Russell Crowe Baseball Association

[mrbucket]

7 April 1964
Russell Ira Crowe is born in Wellington, New Zealand, but our story doesn’t quite begin here. We need to go back further.

26 May 1926
Is Anna Pavlova the greatest ballet dancer of all time? I don’t know -- I searched Ballet Dancer Wins Above Replacement and got nothing. By this point, though, she’d already taken Australia by storm and left New Zealand delirious after her first performance in Auckland. To honour the lady, everyone decided to name a dessert after her: the eponymous pavlova.

6 egg whites
2 cups of white sugar
1½ teaspoons of vinegar
1½ teaspoons of vanilla essence
1½ teaspoons of cornflour

Beat those egg whites stiff, add the sugar gradually, then mix in the rest. Plop that glorious mess into the oven at 150°C for 45 minutes, and leave it inside until it cools.DON’T OPEN THE OVEN DOOR OR YOU’LL RUIN IT. Slather on cream and fresh fruit, and voilà -- pavlova.

Both Australia and New Zealand claim they invented the recipe, and the dispute has persisted to this day, nearly 100 years later.

4 November 1930
Phar Lap wins the Melbourne Cup. Born in New Zealand and trained in Australia, the legendary thoroughbred is hailed as one of the greatest racehorses of all time. Both countries induct him into their respective Racing Halls of Fame, and both insist he’s theirs.

Sometime in 1985
Melbourne, Australia. The band Crowded House forms. Its members: Neil Finn (Kiwi vocalist, guitarist, and songwriter), Paul Hester (Aussie drummer), and Nick Seymour (Aussie bassist). They release Don’t Dream It’s Over in 1986, which becomes a global hit. Cue the trans-Tasman squabble: Is it an Australian band (formed there, majority Aussie) or a New Zealand band (fronted by Finn)?

The song is later voted the 7th-best Australian song and 2nd-best New Zealand song of all time by rival polls. Like pavlova and Phar Lap, the feud remains unresolved.

Is Crowded House the greatest band of all time? No. Thankfully, we don’t need a rock band WAR to settle that.

Also Sometime in 1985
Russell Crowe leaves New Zealand to pursue acting in Australia—a country he’d already called home for 10 years (1968–1978). His music career in NZ had fizzled, with singles sinking without a trace. Meanwhile, his cousins Martin and Jeff Crowe are cricket icons for the New Zealand cricket team. Russell? The family’s “disappointment.”

18 October 1990
The Crossing debuts, marking Russell Crowe’s first lead role. Crowded House covers She’s Not There by The Zombies for the soundtrack.

14 May 1997
L.A. Confidential premieres at Cannes. Directed by Curtis Hanson (who found Crowe “repulsive, scary, but captivating”), it earns 9 Oscar nominations and cements Crowe as a Hollywood heavyweight.

1 May 2000
Gladiator storms cinemas. Crowe’s Oscar-worthy turn as Maximus sparks a fresh Australia vs. New Zealand feud: Who gets to claim him?

Given the bitter precedents of pavlova, Phar Lap, and Crowded House, tensions escalate. Violence looms. Desperate, Prime Ministers John Howard (Australia) and Helen Clark (NZ) summon Crowe to a summit.

Crowe arrives with a solution: “Look, I’ve invented this game. It’s awesome. Let’s get Aussie and Kiwi teams together. Whichever country wins gets to claim me for the year.”

He hands Howard and Clark a baseball each and grabs a bat. “Throw that ball at me.”

Howard throws first.

Crack.

Crowe launches it 902 feet. Clark goes next.

Crack.

878 feet. All three nod. This’ll work.

And that, folks, is the story of how Russell Crowe invented baseball -- and saved Australia and New Zealand from all-out war in the year 2000.

[kq76]

LOL! I love it! I'm looking forward to seeing your league structure.

[mrbucket]

Originally Posted by kq76

LOL! I love it! I'm looking forward to seeing your league structure.

Thanks! Coming soon.

[mrbucket]

[Just holding this space for later]

[mrbucket]

With the decree of Parliament across both nations -- and the blessing of Russell Crowe -- it became a scramble of details.

Crowe had insisted that the first game be played on the 30th of March, 2001, and then promptly disappeared to Ecuador with Meg Ryan, leaving a hastily assembled team to actually organise the competition.

There was no shortage of interest as the sport spread across both countries. It was quickly decided that the inaugural season would feature 24 teams -- 12 each in Australia and New Zealand. While bids poured in from across New Zealand, in Australia, interest was largely concentrated in the southeast. Baseball hadn’t quite penetrated the likes of Queensland or Western Australia -- yet.

It was during the opening ceremony of the Sydney Olympics in September 2000 that they finally decided how many games should be played. In their private box, Crowe watched silently as everyone debated the number. Suggestions ranged from 20 to 40 games per season, until finally, Crowe signalled for silence. The only sound was the ceremony outside. Then he stood and said, simply: “162.”

The room was in shock. But Crowe had spoken. 162 it was.

So the structure of the inaugural season of the Russell Crowe Baseball Association would look like this.

• 24 teams across Australia and New Zealand.
• They'll be divided into 2 leagues: 12 in Australia and 12 in New Zealand.
• Each league is divided into 2 divisions of 6 teams.
• 162 games will be played for each team starting at the end of March. (let's assume that Russell Crowe also figured out how you play baseball in the winter)
• Each team will play 18 games against their division foes, 6 games against teams in the other division, and 3 games against teams in the other league.
• There will be an All-Star game at the half way point in July.
• The division winners qualify for the playoffs along with two wildcard teams from each league.
• No Designated Hitters, pitchers will hit.

[Carplos]

Incredible backstory. Looking forward to following.

[mrbucket]

The 6 teams of the Australian League: North Division. We've got teams from Newcastle, Canberra, and four from Sydney.



Newcastle is a coal and steel town. Back in the day, it was the industrial engine of New South Wales -- and while the vibe might shift towards breweries and barbershops, the spirit remains. When it came to naming the team there was no doubt it would be the Steelers: tough, blue-collar, and built to hit the baseball hard.



Surf's up. This Sydney suburb is home to some of the most beautiful beaches you'll ever see. You might find one of the relievers moonlighting as a lifeguard. And to get a little corny: the Breakers don't just ride waves -- they make them.



Penrith is the last stop before you disappear into the Blue Mountains. The Blues name alludes to the geography but also the music. They're not too flashy, but they get the job done.



They’re called the Rebels, but the logo’s an eel. That’s not a mistake -- it's a warning. Parramatta’s river winds like a trap, full of slick, ancient things that don’t take kindly to being disturbed. The eel is local, legendary, and a little bit cursed. So is the team.



The Newtown Jets were one of the foundation clubs in Australia’s top-flight Rugby League before being booted from the competition in 1983. Now they’re back from the dead -- but hitting dingers instead of tries -- and here to represent the inner Sydney suburbs.



Everyone thinks Canberra is boring, so the team from Australia's capital picked the most majestic creature it could think of to represent them: part lion, part eagle, meet the Canberra Griffins. Fittingly, they'll don Australia's colours of Green & Gold.

[mrbucket]

The 6 teams of the Australian League: South Division. We've got teams from Adelaide, Geelong, and four from Melbourne.



No, that's not a typo - it's Crowes, with an 'e'. The Adelaide Crows -- the AFL team -- has existed in Adelaide since 1990 and somehow no thought this would be confusing. The Crowes are named after the founder of baseball, Russell Crowe, and their mascot is a terrifying half man/half crow who will be nightmare fuel for the children of South Australia.



North of the Yarra, past the brunch queues and ironic moustaches, you’ll find Preston in the North of Melbourne. The suburb is solid working class. Someone found a bear costume in the cupboard and they just went for it.



Baseball, but make it art. The outfield wall is covered in murals and they'll delay the game if the bass player from some band wants to throw the first pitch. The Bohemians represent the most inner-city Melbourne suburb and it's a place full of vintage stores, tattooed chefs, and espresso. They didn't choose their name -- it just happened.



Hawthorn may be buttoned-up suburbia on the surface, but dig deeper and you’ll find ambition, drama, and private school cricket kids turned switch-hitters. The Phoenix play sharp and shiny, but every now and then, something catches fire -- on purpose. That’s when they’re most dangerous.



If you’ve ever eaten hot chips on St Kilda beach, you’ve met the mascot. The Seagulls are the unofficial rulers of Melbourne’s grimiest, most iconic waterfront suburb. Full of backpacker hostels, music venues, with sticky floors, and Luna Park. St Kilda is eccentric and chaotic and the Seagulls play with the same energy.



Geelong’s a port town with a chip on its shoulder and a V8 engine under the bonnet. It’s steel, surf, and stubborn pride. This team plays with old-school muscle and no-nonsense grit. Their home ground is loud, close, and built like a shearing shed: practical, brutal, echoey as hell. The Rams don’t finesse. They charge.

[mrbucket]

The 6 teams of the New Zealand League: North Division. We've got teams from Northland (based in Whangārei), Waikato (based in Hamilton), Bay of Plenty (based in Tauranga), and three from Auckland.



Up north, the sky feels bigger. The beaches stretch longer. The games run slower, unless the Dolphins are running them. Based out of Whangārei but carrying the whole north with them, the team plays with a kind of calm urgency -- like they know something you don’t.



Out west of Auckland, the forest gets thick, the roads get narrow, and the spiders get huge. The Waitakere Ranges are home to some of the country's densest bush -- and if you’ve walked a trail out there, chances are you’ve had a faceful of web. The Spiders lean into that reputation: twitchy, sudden, and surprisingly elegant.



Half skyline, half volcanic cone. Auckland is big, loud, and fast-growing. The names makes its nod to the harbour where literal sharks can be spotted and metaphorical ones run the property market. The rest of the country hates Auckland, rest assured you'll spot plenty of shirts with the phrase "I Support two teams [MY TEAM] and whoever's playing Auckland. "



South Auckland doesn’t ask for respect—it earns it, week after week, hit after hit. The Stallions are built in that image: strong-backed, no-nonsense, and always moving forward. The name’s a nod to horsepower, sure—but also to mana. This team carries it like a flag.



The morepork, or ruru, is New Zealand’s native owl: quiet, precise, and a little eerie. So naturally, Waikato named a baseball team after it. Because while everyone else was going big and loud, the Morepork went nocturnal. Based in the misty belly of the country, this team doesn’t roar -- they haunt.



This is the team that turns bloopers into triples, dropped third strikes into rally starters, and routine fly balls into supernatural events. The name isn’t ironic. It’s just accurate. Nobody can quite explain how they win games they shouldn’t, or why visiting pitchers forget how to throw strikes once the sea breeze rolls in. The Magic don’t overpower. They bewitch.

[mrbucket]

The 6 teams of the New Zealand League: South Division. We've got teams from Manawatu (based in Palmerston North), Hawkes Bay (based in Napier), Wellington, Tasman (based in Nelson), Canterbury (based in Christchurch), and Otago (based in Dunedin).



Palmerston North doesn’t scream Scandinavia -- until you start looking. There’s something in the surnames, the cheekbones, the quiet stubbornness. Turns out a wave of Nordic settlers once came inland and never left. The Vikings name isn’t branding -- it’s ancestry. The team plays like they’re channelling Valhalla. Big swings, big beards, and defence like a longship wall.



Welcome to hitter's country. Leave a fastball hanging over the middle and you'll never see it again.



Wellington’s wired tight. All caffeine, crosswinds, and clever people in loud coats. The Bees fit right in -- small, fast, relentless. They don’t overpower you; they outthink you, then outrun you, then steal home while you’re still checking the signs.

Their name nods to the Beehive up the hill, but also to the way they play: buzzing defence, constant motion, and the kind of coordination that only looks chaotic from the outside. Swarm early, sting late, disappear into the night with a one-run win and no explanation.



At the top of the South Island lies Tasman: golden beaches, clear air, and the sort of sunsets that make you forgive your childhood enemies. The Suns are a reflection of that -- warm, dazzling, and sneakily dangerous.



The Knights are pure Canterbury: structured, loyal, and obsessed with tradition. These boys bleed red and black (they should probably seek some medical attention for that). The team’s name evokes chivalry, but don’t expect politeness on the field. This is trench-warfare baseball, powered by spreadsheets, grass stains, and regional pride so thick it should be rationed.



Penguins waddle down the Otago Peninsula like tiny, angry gods. So when Otago picked a mascot, they didn’t choose something fierce. They chose something tougher. The games in Dunedin are cold, so bring a blanket and puffer jacket anytime you make it to a game. Penguins may not fly, but they'll slide and scrap their way through to survial.

[mrbucket]

So in summary, the charter teams of the Russell Crowe Baseball Association.

Australia North Division
Canberra Griffins
Manly Breakers
Newcastle Steelers
Newtown Jets
Parramatta Rebels
Penrith Blues

Australia South Division
Adelaide Crowes
Fitzroy Bohemians
Geelong Rams
Hawthorn Phoenix
Preston Bears
St Kilda Seagulls

New Zealand North Division
Auckland Sharks
Bay of Plenty Magic
Counties Manukau Stallions
Northland Dolphins
Waikato Morepork
Waitakere Spiders

New Zealand South Division
Canterbury Knights
Hawkes Bay Moonshots
Manawatu Vikings
Otago Penguins
Tasman Suns
Wellington Bees

Division winners + 2 wildcards from each league will make the playoffs.

[mrbucket]

Welcome to our first part of our first ever preview of the Russell Crowe Baseball Association. We’re starting with the Australian North Division.

We’ve assigned our experts to rate every team out of 10 in 10 categories we’ve deemed important. The worst team in the entire association gets a 1, the best gets a 10, and the rest fall somewhere in between.

Is this the best possible method? We don’t know. Russell Crowe invented this sport less than a year ago. Give us a break.



The Canberra Griffins will prove lethal if they can get bat to ball. Up and down their lineup, everyone has the potential to do damage. 2B Chris Cameron and 1B Jaxon Bratile will absolutely smash the ball if given the chance. RF Travis Gardner will put it where the defenders ain’t, CF Leonard Marquis will hit some sneaky doubles and triples, and SS Nick Hafner won’t swing at anything outside the zone.

But that might all prove irrelevant. There are no great fielders on this team -- and there absolutely need to be, given the pitchers they’re trotting out. No disrespect to Dunnam and Minyarrie, but they’ll need some serious defense behind them.



Like Canberra, we’ve got to show a bit of admiration for the Breakers’ ability to do damage if they can get bat to ball. Everyone brings a solid bat. SS Lewis Sykes won’t chase outside the zone, RF Liam O’Dwyer has sneaky power, and while you’ll only see him against southpaws, 1B Brent Thomas can send it out of the park.

The issue, though -- even worse than Canberra’s -- is the pitching. It’s terrible. We’ve chosen to highlight the #4 in their rotation, Slash Numbers, simply because his name is cool.



Expect some good power from the likes of 1B Mike Clarke, RF Chris Kerr, and C Jy Cremeans -- plus good contact from LF George Watson. They’ve also got OF Ronan Harvey on the bench: a solid bat at only 26 years old, but they can’t really fit him anywhere. He might become trade bait at the deadline.

Closer Shae Smith is the biggest name in the pitching staff, with a devastating fastball/splitter mix. Newcastle has also interestingly brought on 36-year-old Kiwi Oliver Ropiha to head their rotation. It remains to be seen whether he’s going to be enough.



The Newtown Jets have got to be the strong favourites to take out the Australia North title. Graham Sorrell is a legit Pitcher of the Year candidate, and the rotation behind him is solid. The danger lies in a couple of key members -- #2 Jack Buckhalter and CL Isaac Wahl -- who sometimes struggle to find the strike zone.

The batting is led by genuine superstars: 1B Jeremy Mason, C Russ Wakeford, and LF Damien Bartlett. Aside from Wakeford, don’t expect many home runs, but do expect a lot of hits. Mason, in particular, has his eye on the steals leaderboard.

First base is a bit of a weird position for the Jets. They've got Mason there already, but they also have massive 19-year-old Dan Omana (6’8”, 245 lbs) ready to take over. The Jets might be better off shifting Mason to 2B to give Omana a shot.



Leadoff man CF Miles Evans looks set to be a dangerous hitter for the Rebels -- and he’s got a dangerous crew around him. 3B Lou Deegan and 1B Ryan Parker have incredible contact ability. RF Sydney Henson and LF Kolton Miller have a great balanced approach, and SS Mark Verbic has incredible raw power if he can get bat to ball. The metrics might not be crazy about this lineup, but they can get the job done on their day.

#2 in the rotation, Boyd Dean, has the makings of a future superstar. His 99–101 mph fastball is elite, but he’s vulnerable until his changeup and sinker develop enough to complement it. Closer Bengie Nakagawa looks like one of the best in the game. Expect the deal to be done if the lead gets handed to him.

Finally, we have to mention the absolutely insane talent the Rebels have in their farm system. They’ve got 5 of the top 10 prospects per the BNN Prospect Pipeline -- and 9 of the top 25. One to watch is relief pitcher Ty Zambrano. He’s due up in 2021 and could be even more electric than Nakagawa. Meanwhile, 18-year-old and #2 prospect Jordan Dykstra is projected to arrive by next season. His power/eye combo could be devastating.

Basically, the Parramatta Rebels are set up to dominate this division -- very soon.



We finish with the Penrith Blues. They project similarly to some of the other sides in this division -- some good bats, but lacking in pitching. Nothing wrong with Cam Bowers and Louie Chester, but things turn decidedly below average with anyone else in the rotation.

The exploits of 21-year-old 1B Brendan Reilly may prove the antidote to the pitching struggles, and Oldham/Falkner around him are no slouches either. If these bats light up, there might be no issue on the other side of the ticket -- but there are going to be some brutal days when this power trio doesn't spark.

[luckymann]

Wildly imaginative and graphically breathtaking - I have overcome my abject disappointment at the absence of a team representing Collingwood (the Dentists?) and very looking forward to following along.

Hate to tip my cap to a Kiwi, but top notch so far, sport!

G

PS You can keep Russell but we wouldn't mind the Bledisloe back for a year or two at some point...

[mrbucket]

Originally Posted by luckymann

Wildly imaginative and graphically breathtaking - I have overcome my abject disappointment at the absence of a team representing Collingwood (the Dentists?) and very looking forward to following along.

Hate to tip my cap to a Kiwi, but top notch so far, sport!

G

PS You can keep Russell but we wouldn't mind the Bledisloe back for a year or two at some point...

Thank you!

I'll put the Collingwood Dentists in a list of possible expansion teams. I did some quick googles and not sure If I totally get the connection but I'm happy to just roll with it.

I looked up the Bledisloe, thinking it can't have been that long since Australia won it.... and wow. We have MLB players who have never experienced a world where Australia have held the Bledisloe (Roman Anthony, Jackson Chourio, Jackson Holliday)

[luckymann]

Originally Posted by mrbucket

Thank you!

I'll put the Collingwood Dentists in a list of possible expansion teams. I did some quick googles and not sure If I totally get the connection but I'm happy to just roll with it.

I looked up the Bledisloe, thinking it can't have been that long since Australia won it.... and wow. We have MLB players who have never experienced a world where Australia have held the Bledisloe (Roman Anthony, Jackson Chourio, Jackson Holliday)

Collingwood, the most hated team in Australian sports, AKA the Magpies of the Australian Football League, have a fanbase that makes the Yanks and Red Sox seem like antebellum southern belles in comparison. They are the bluest of blue collar and, to put it delicately, are not reputed for their stellar dental hygiene with many among their ranks missing a fang or two.

So one of the great assorted Aussie vernacular sayings is, when somebody isn't doing so well at something, he is said to be "travelling like a dentist in Collingwood."

I am a proud lifelong supporter (with full teeth, but I make up for it with a criminal record, another badge of honour among the Magpie legion) of this institution.

As, it would seem, is this chappie who makes my point perfectly...

[mrbucket]

Ahh amazing. Love it. I like watching AFL and I'll watch it from time to time but haven't found a team to root for. Sounds like I can't be neutral on Collingwood so I'll need to make a decision.

[luckymann]

Originally Posted by mrbucket

Ahh amazing. Love it. I like watching AFL and I'll watch it from time to time but haven't found a team to root for. Sounds like I can't be neutral on Collingwood so I'll need to make a decision.

Go for the Bombers - Essendon - good young club on the way up.

[mrbucket]

Originally Posted by luckymann

Go for the Bombers - Essendon - good young club on the way up.

Alright I'll give them a shot. Bomb's away! (do they say that? I'll find out.)

[luckymann]

Originally Posted by mrbucket

Alright I'll give them a shot. Bomb's away! (do they say that? I'll find out.)

Learn this and they'll think you were born into the club...

[mrbucket]

Originally Posted by luckymann

Learn this and they'll think you were born into the club...

Love it.