Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[Jestor]

Go Pale Hose!!!

I finally caught one of the basketball games on campus tonight. We won 60-55 over UW-Platteville aka Engineer Central (85% of the student population there is male and every girl, no matter how ugly, should go to a bar in Platteville because the men will fight over who gets to buy her drinks).

Even got a technical foul on the home crowd as we gleefully threw our Papa John's promotional balls on the court in celebration of our big center's second slam-dunk of the evening, with 32 seconds left in the game.

Oh, it was sweet, so sweet.

To have that victory and to come home and read of the Pale Hose solely in first place makes this evening as close to perfect as it can get without a hot blonde girl in my room for me and me alone.

Oh and I like paragraphs.

[orin2]

I'd like to take this opportunity to congratulate the Pale Hose on reaching 1st Place. I'm rooting for you and believe me, for a Cubs fan that's tough.

[rem]

Go Pale hose!

[cknox0723]

bump

I mean, thanks for the replies and all. Sorry for the unexpected delay, but some things have fallen in the way of internet postings. Literally. But thankfully my arms and fingers are still attached, and so I cross my heart and promise to have an update tomorrow.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

But thankfully my arms and fingers are still attached, and so I cross my heart and promise to have an update tomorrow.

I'm not sure why I said this yesterday, to tell the truth. I had to work all day and night and it was unsurprisingly a long day, and here I sit with the day about over, ready to fall asleep in front of the computer. So I'm going to go do that, except on a bed instead. I have no Pale Hose update in me tonight.

But just wait until I get a few, because things are happening right quick and within the vortex may be something worth reading about.

[orin2]

I hope that you are getting some rest. Your Faithful Pale Hose Fans (FPHF) will be here waiting when you get ready. In fact, I am now in Germany so you have International Faithful Pale Hose Fans (IFPHF) ifffppphfff.... sounds like a bad sound. Anyways...

[cknox0723]

6/30/2006: @TOR - What should have been a nice, quaint 3-0 win on the strength of Eric Munson's two-run second-inning long ball and Ryan Franklin's typical solid effort went up in flames in the seventh inning as we re-established ourselves in that old cottage industry where games are blown in every way imaginable. Southpaw reliever Mike Gallo cleaned up Ryan Franklin's little sixth inning mess well enough, but he was ineffective against a pair of left-handed batters in the seventh, and on came right-hander Akinori Otsuka to replace him. He ends up loads up the bases, and they're unloaded by the time the inning's ended, but only after Alex Rios had taken care of that by blasting a grand salami to right-center field to give Toronto a 6-3 lead. Rios, the home club's 26 year old left fielder, is batting 85 points off last season's mark, and perhaps that's why he felt the need to bust his second career four-run four-bagger rather than go to my place of employment and pick up a big ol' hunk of pork roll (New Jersey's second finest export) for about $14.99 instead. I don't get any commission, so normally his decision would be OK by me, 'cause less customers mean more time to bust out something else entirely. But our ninth-inning charge falls short, as no one on our side can put quite the charge into the ball that Alex Rios did, so I'm quite perturbed indeed. CHW 3 TOR 6

7/1/2006: @TOR - In a matchup of southpaws who top out at ninety-two miles per on the radar gun and have the first and last initials M.B., you might expect the man making $9.7 million per annum more to come out on top, especially since that man's got 104 career victories, or 84 more than the man opposing him, a man who is also a year older. But it is Mike Bacsik turning in the one-two-three first inning and Mark Buehrle surrendering a long ball to the second batter, backstop Guillermo Quiroz. It is Mike Bacsik who retires three in a row to escape a second-inning jam and Mark Buehrle walking the opposing pitcher to start the third, Mark Buehrle watching the opposing pitcher wander around the bases after a single by Quiroz and a booming Carlos Delgado two-bagger. It is Mark Buehrle who digs us a 3-0 hole and Mike F. Bacsik who is shutting us down. But things start to right themselves a half-inning later when Frank Catalanotto doubles down the left field line to start the frame, and then Brian Anderson gets us on the board with a ribbie single to left. Buehrle himself gets into the act with an improbable two-out double to bring home our rookie outfielder, though Jack Wilson flies out to left to halt our scoring there, and Mr. Bacsik ends up holding us at two runs for the duration of his six frames, in a little show of bravado. Journeyman right-hander Kip Wells pitches a pristine seventh and is replaced by southpaw Eric Knott for the eighth, but he's knott very good (geddit??), and chased out of Canada after Frank Catalanotto's one-out single. On comes Proven Closer (TM) Geoff Geary for the five-out save, and Eric Munson steps up to the plate in Frank Thomas's slot. Munson's been raking like a house afire lately, but surely a pinch-hit home run is asking a bit much, i'n't it? Well...

"Two balls and no strikes to Munson. Catalanotto at first, one out here in the eighth, Toronto clinging to a three-to-two lead. Geary to the set, Munson waving the bat lazily. Quiroz pounds the glove and sets up on the inside half. The kick...the offering, up over the plate, swing and a long fly ball, deep to right field. Going back is Restovich...at the track, at that wall, but he will just watch that one go! Eric Munson has done it AGAIN!"

But so does our bullpen. Joe Roa gets through the eighth inning thanks to a fortuitous double play ball off the bat of Carlos Delgado, but the ninth inning takes a sour turn after pinch-hitter Gabe Gross reaches on a bouncing ball to second that should have gone for out number two -- until Adam Kennedy chucked it wide of first. The cracks in our armor start to show. Roa balks, of all things, to put the tying run in scoring position. 39 year old pinch-hitter Robin Ventura is an easy out on a bouncer to short...but that should have been the third out, and third baseman Eric Hinske makes us pay with a sharp base hit to left to tie the game up. Our best hope now is a win in extra time, but Russ Adams pinch-hits and drives a single into left field, and suddenly the winning run is ninety feet away. I panic and call on "Mercurial Kiko" Calero to face the southpaw left fielder, Laynce Nix. His first pitch is predictably wild, in the dirt, and an unchallenged Adams scampers for second, not that it really matters. The second toss rings true, though if it were a pinata filled with chocolate treats, I'm sure Nix would have grabbed the tostadas instead. It's on the one-one pitch where Nix finally takes a hack, and it's a low breaking ball that's literally chopped at and bounces back up the middle. Second baseman "Gumby" Kennedy ranges far to his right, pushing the memories of Juan Uribe out of the way as he does so, and backhands the ball while falling to his knees. "Ah," I think out loud with a little smile, "Here we have evidence that things have changed. That ball would've gotten through last year, and we would've ended up with yet another loss."

But Kennedy's on his knees around second base, with the only out to be had at first. Any attempt to scramble to his feet would take too long, so he sort of half-stands while making the toss across the diamond. It's a girlish toss with a long arc. By the time it reaches Frank Catalanotto's outstretched glove, Laynce Nix has already streaked past the bag, down the right field line...

And back to home plate to celebrate Toronto's 5-4 victory with the rest of his teammates.

[rem]

WOOT! lowercase

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by remangiii

WOOT! lowercase

schadenfreude.

But here is something to cheer about!

[cknox0723]

The Pale Hose have lost a game and a half in the standings over the last two days, as Cleveland spent their time well, first beating the hell out of Minnesota behind the electric right arm of 23 year old Fausto Carmona (7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 5 K for his 20th career win) and then gloating about it. The setting for this post is once again the friendly confines of U.S. Cellular, and last-place Tampa Bay makes for a dastardly foe indeed. Dastardly, but they suck, and among the cornucopia of reasons for that is the 4-7, 4.70 ledger from their "exceptional pitcher (who) has every tool needed to be a No. 1 starter in the majors." I guess that makes John VanBenschoten a tool, or at least a Dutch windmill cookie, or something, anything if it'll shorten his last name from 13 letters.

The shortening today is the two runs that "The Dutch Windmill Cookie" allows in the first (on yet another ribbie single off the bat of rookie outfielder Brian Anderson) and the rains that come thereafter, wearing out both our man, Esteban Loaiza, and their highfalutin right-hander, turning the ballgame into a battle of the bullpens. The right-handed side-armer PJ Bevis basically wins it for us with a solid three-inning stint that's sullied only by a lonely run in the fifth, one keyed by a leadoff triple by the "Woonsocket Rocket", speedy outfielder Rocco Baldelli, and brought home on a bouncer to short off the bat of left fielder Jason Pridie. Dan "Dixon" Kolb hands us a few insurance runs in the ninth, and Akinori Otsuka don't give up no grand slams this time.

PS - A win, even if it is over lowly Tampa, it is just the right kind of antidote to two tough losses.

[Jestor]

Win on, Pale Hose, win on!

ps congrats on second consecutive #1 in Vris's Top 10.

[canadiancreed]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

6/30/2006: @TOR - What should have been a nice, quaint 3-0 win on the strength of Eric Munson's two-run second-inning long ball and Ryan Franklin's typical solid effort went up in flames in the seventh inning as we re-established ourselves in that old cottage industry where games are blown in every way imaginable. Southpaw reliever Mike Gallo cleaned up Ryan Franklin's little sixth inning mess well enough, but he was ineffective against a pair of left-handed batters in the seventh, and on came right-hander Akinori Otsuka to replace him. He ends up loads up the bases, and they're unloaded by the time the inning's ended, but only after Alex Rios had taken care of that by blasting a grand salami to right-center field to give Toronto a 6-3 lead. Rios, the home club's 26 year old left fielder, is batting 85 points off last season's mark, and perhaps that's why he felt the need to bust his second career four-run four-bagger rather than go to my place of employment and pick up a big ol' hunk of pork roll (New Jersey's second finest export) for about $14.99 instead. I don't get any commission, so normally his decision would be OK by me, 'cause less customers mean more time to bust out something else entirely. But our ninth-inning charge falls short, as no one on our side can put quite the charge into the ball that Alex Rios did, so I'm quite perturbed indeed. CHW 3 TOR 6

7/1/2006: @TOR - In a matchup of southpaws who top out at ninety-two miles per on the radar gun and have the first and last initials M.B., you might expect the man making $9.7 million per annum more to come out on top, especially since that man's got 104 career victories, or 84 more than the man opposing him, a man who is also a year older. But it is Mike Bacsik turning in the one-two-three first inning and Mark Buehrle surrendering a long ball to the second batter, backstop Guillermo Quiroz. It is Mike Bacsik who retires three in a row to escape a second-inning jam and Mark Buehrle walking the opposing pitcher to start the third, Mark Buehrle watching the opposing pitcher wander around the bases after a single by Quiroz and a booming Carlos Delgado two-bagger. It is Mark Buehrle who digs us a 3-0 hole and Mike F. Bacsik who is shutting us down. But things start to right themselves a half-inning later when Frank Catalanotto doubles down the left field line to start the frame, and then Brian Anderson gets us on the board with a ribbie single to left. Buehrle himself gets into the act with an improbable two-out double to bring home our rookie outfielder, though Jack Wilson flies out to left to halt our scoring there, and Mr. Bacsik ends up holding us at two runs for the duration of his six frames, in a little show of bravado. Journeyman right-hander Kip Wells pitches a pristine seventh and is replaced by southpaw Eric Knott for the eighth, but he's knott very good (geddit??), and chased out of Canada after Frank Catalanotto's one-out single. On comes Proven Closer (TM) Geoff Geary for the five-out save, and Eric Munson steps up to the plate in Frank Thomas's slot. Munson's been raking like a house afire lately, but surely a pinch-hit home run is asking a bit much, i'n't it? Well...

"Two balls and no strikes to Munson. Catalanotto at first, one out here in the eighth, Toronto clinging to a three-to-two lead. Geary to the set, Munson waving the bat lazily. Quiroz pounds the glove and sets up on the inside half. The kick...the offering, up over the plate, swing and a long fly ball, deep to right field. Going back is Restovich...at the track, at that wall, but he will just watch that one go! Eric Munson has done it AGAIN!"

But so does our bullpen. Joe Roa gets through the eighth inning thanks to a fortuitous double play ball off the bat of Carlos Delgado, but the ninth inning takes a sour turn after pinch-hitter Gabe Gross reaches on a bouncing ball to second that should have gone for out number two -- until Adam Kennedy chucked it wide of first. The cracks in our armor start to show. Roa balks, of all things, to put the tying run in scoring position. 39 year old pinch-hitter Robin Ventura is an easy out on a bouncer to short...but that should have been the third out, and third baseman Eric Hinske makes us pay with a sharp base hit to left to tie the game up. Our best hope now is a win in extra time, but Russ Adams pinch-hits and drives a single into left field, and suddenly the winning run is ninety feet away. I panic and call on "Mercurial Kiko" Calero to face the southpaw left fielder, Laynce Nix. His first pitch is predictably wild, in the dirt, and an unchallenged Adams scampers for second, not that it really matters. The second toss rings true, though if it were a pinata filled with chocolate treats, I'm sure Nix would have grabbed the tostadas instead. It's on the one-one pitch where Nix finally takes a hack, and it's a low breaking ball that's literally chopped at and bounces back up the middle. Second baseman "Gumby" Kennedy ranges far to his right, pushing the memories of Juan Uribe out of the way as he does so, and backhands the ball while falling to his knees. "Ah," I think out loud with a little smile, "Here we have evidence that things have changed. That ball would've gotten through last year, and we would've ended up with yet another loss."

But Kennedy's on his knees around second base, with the only out to be had at first. Any attempt to scramble to his feet would take too long, so he sort of half-stands while making the toss across the diamond. It's a girlish toss with a long arc. By the time it reaches Frank Catalanotto's outstretched glove, Laynce Nix has already streaked past the bag, down the right field line...

And back to home plate to celebrate Toronto's 5-4 victory with the rest of his teammates.

I always love the T.O games. What's your record against them lifetime?

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Jestor

Win on, Pale Hose, win on!

ps congrats on second consecutive #1 in Vris's Top 10.

Hey, thanks for the props. It was quite an honor to receive so many votes, especially considering the competition. I don't believe I am nearly the scribe that some are (present company included), but I enjoy keeping this thread going and I am glad to see others enjoyed reading it.

Originally Posted by canadiancreed

I always love the T.O games. What's your record against them lifetime?

Thanks for the question, wouldn't it be neat (or lame) if one day I could start a mailbag? We were 6-5 versus the Cerulean Kays last year and are 3-3 against them this year. In the two years simmed before I took over this woeful bunch of malcontents, the Pale Hose went 3-4 against their canadianfoes...and 6-1 the first year. It is awfully difficult for a 70-win team to go 6-1 against anyone, so I guess that is quite the accomplishment, or display of dumb luck.

[cknox0723]

While we were busy celebrating our glorious win over the, um, Devil Rays, division rival Cleveland was falling in a five-nothing hole to visiting Kansas City. No matter. The home crowd got to see their moundsman, Josh Beckett, jack a two-run home run to start the crawl up to the summit. The deficit was down to 5-4 after three frames and then tied in the fifth when 34 year old infielder Pokey F. Reese doubled home Jody "Odysseus" Gerut. Presumably the RBI man on that tying run is no relation to the beloved Pee Wee of the same surname, or even former Twins outfielder Rich Reese, since he slugged .513 once, and Calvin Jr.'s career slugging mark is a whopping .357 in this universe. Predictably, the hated Tribe are ahead by the time the sixth inning is in the books, and they don't give up no grand slams, so of course they close the game out with yet another win. Seemingly, it's their dozenth; it at least evokes enough frustration within me to encourage the creation of made-up words like dozenth. It's actually only their eighth consecutive victory, but a dozen is just around the corner, and what the hell are you going to do when you're the club looking up in the standings at that?

Apparently, give up some more grand slams. The banana isn't dancing for our right-hander Michael Nannini, but the baseballs hit by Evil Fish sure are, as that club pounds five doubles over the duration of our northpaw's six frames. Their right-hander, control artist Josh Towers, tosses just 65 pitches through six innings of one-hit ball, so you can safely assume that this was just another cold, cruel game in what's been a year-and-a-half long blizzard of 'em.

But you know what they say about assuming. Thanks, Markus, keep up the good work, and thanks to some deft timing on the part of Mike Nannini and one swing by Eric Munson that gave us both a hit and a run simultaneously, it's 1-1 through six. Do you want to attribute it to defense? Go ahead, but that is at least in part ********, because how many times does a club give up eleven hits and only one run? It is luck, mostly. Surely some other factors are involved, such as the square root of pi and Adam Kennedy's long, stretchy legs, but chalk it up to the same good fortune that has this club in the three-legged AL Central race as the first half of the season winds down.

Our luck runs out in the seventh as Joe Roa comes on as struggles with two pinch-hitters, giving up a quick single to reserve infielder Aaron Baldiris and walking the notoriously hacktastic outfielder Juan Encarnacion. Relatively light hitting outfielder Jason Pridie has been starting for this lowly club for the last month for reasons I am unaware of, but maybe his cheerfulness in the clubhouse is a factor. If that is the case, then his getting plunked in the arm with Roa's third pitch is right in character, and a bit of statistical representation of how valuable he is when taking his teammates out to dinner.

First baseman Josh Phelps, a big-time power hitter who struggles to hit .250, swings at Roa's very first pitch in his direction and what a mighty blow he struck indeed. The ball flies off into orbit somewhere, allowing it to appropriately be called a moonshot. What was ostensibly a close game turns into a 5-1 mess, and that is basically how it ends.

Cleveland had another bout with Kansas City and the visiting club's leadoff man and Ramon Vazquez ringer, infielder Henry Mateo, got the party started in a hurry with a leadoff three-bagger. He'd later score on a groundout, but that's all the scoring the Regal Ones did over nine frames, and of course that run didn't hold up. Alaskan southpaw Clifford Lee got the win in the 2-1 Cleveland victory, and the club notched their tenth consecutive victory the next day. It was a reasonably predictable 3-2 win as hard-throwing, portly portsider CC Sabathia outdueled 37 year old Wilson Alvarez, whose ledger dropped to 1-8 on the season. That's one win, eight losses, fyi.

Having already known of that happening before taking the field, our 5-3 win on the strength of two scoreless innings from Rick "Wild Thing" Ankiel and a two-run tater by Raul Gonzalez (his fifth this year)...well, it's nice, but it's not doing a damned bit of good in the standings. Sure, Jon Garland was mostly ineffective (4 IP, 7 H and 3 R including allowing a long ball to the anemic Mike Barrett) and it is nice he was not saddled with the loss, but if this is really the year, shouldn't we shoot for somewhere beyond second place? Maybe the trade should be made soon, but I am thinking that the logic behind such a step is becoming more and more murky.

We remain home for three with Minnesota and perhaps things will be clearer after this set.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

We remain home for three with Minnesota and perhaps things will be clearer after this set.

Crystal, in fact. Minnesota's in third place heading into this little scrum, some team from Chicago is in second, and Cleveland's in first. A day by day summary:

7/5/2007:
CLE L 6-5 @ Boston - Keith Foulke's saved over 270 big league ballgames, but at 34 years old, with an ERA of 6.08 this season, his time as a Proven Closer (TM) may be running out. None of his BS were more painful than this one, as he retired a pair of weak hitters in 1B Bellhorn and C Vic Martinez to start the ninth before allowing a pair of singles to left off the bats of Jody Gerut and Angel Berroa. Second baseman Ray Durham, a long-time favorite of Pale Hose fans in another universe (and in this one, since he's batting .220 this year), flashed a bit of his old skillset with a game-changing two-run double to center, and fifth outfielder Coco Crisp singled two batters later to make it 5-3 in favor of the Tribe.

Who still lost. I love it! Scott Eyre goes to the top of the **** list for long-suffering Tribe fans who don't like relief pitchers, and Joe Crede (our old friend!) gets special mention for turning a 5-3 inning-ending out into the winning run, as he let one sail all the way into the seats to send the crowd home happy.
CHW day off
MIN day off

7/6:
CLE L 6-3 @ Boston - Six sixth-inning singles and one very wild peg to first from shortstop Angel Berroa led to five Boston runs and turned a two-run deficit into a three-run lead. For a Cleveland ballclub that is led in home runs with 12 by Pale Hose reject Joe Crede, asking for three runs in three innings is probably three runs too many. The much-maligned right-hander Foulke records his twentieth save of the season with a quick ninth, getting reliever Grant Roberts his fourth victory of aught-seven. Much to the surprise of anyone with a pulse, "Spicoli" Roberts worked an effective enough inning-and-a-third in relief of a largely ineffective "Petey" Martinez, whose two runs on seven hits in four-plus frames was far and away his worst outing of the year and raised his ERA to a staggering 1.38.
CHW W 4-3 vs. MIN - Mark Buehrle was not the ideal moundsman for this one, since Twins starter Ted Lilly is in the midst of his best season, and the visitors tote a rather fearsome lineup against southpaw pitchers. But starting this game would allow our ace to start our final game before the All-Star Break, and so any decision was a non-starter. So, too, was our opponent's southpaw, as our first three batters reach, and three runs cross home before the inning's finally put to bed, two of 'em on a single to left-center by the RBI machine himself, centerfielder Brian Anderson. Buehrle gives two of the runs back in the fourth, with the biggest blow being the two-out ribbie single by light-hitting infielder Jason Bartlett, and shortstop Alex Cintron brings the score to a dead heat in the sixth with his second hit of so very many this year, a double that plates dynamic outfielder Eric Byrnes. But Buehrle's multiple one-two-three innings far outweigh his few follies, especially since those three first-inning runs kept us in the black most of the way. Mike Gallo relieves in the seventh and when he gets in a jam, his foil Akinori Otsuka bails him out by fanning the dangerous Byrnes to leave the bases loaded and the score tied. When part-time third baseman Russell Branyan leads off an inning and a half later and blasts a Francis Beltran fastball into orbit to give us a one-run edge, it's Otsuka who's in line for the win, and after Kiko Calero and Joe Roa muddle through the ninth, Otsuka's W is exactly what goes into the books.
MIN L 4-3 @ CHW


7/7:

CLE L 4-1 @ Boston - 38 year old outfielder Jeromy Burnitz is hitting .172 in what should, by all rights, be his swan song, but his 449-foot three-run blast off of Armando Benitez was a crescendo if I've ever heard one. It made waste of Josh Beckett's typically brilliant (but slightly out of control) outing, and by all rights should not have been a three-run blast, but for the struggles of the pitcher who was the meat of the Beckett-Benitez sandwich, Raffy "Gasoline" Betancourt, who retired only spectacular left fielder Manny Ramirez before allowing weaker hitters in veteran first baseman Kevin Millar and shortstop Nomar Garciaparra to reach. Granted, calling Garciaparra weak is a misstatement, and Millar only reached because of yet another error by shortstop Angel Berroa...but here are the problems that plagued Cleveland while they sleepwalked through the first half of 2006. They may need electric shock therapy to even have a chance of a repeat performance of their world championship run.
CHW W 5-1 vs. MIN - Esteban Loaiza was bad enough for a full season to earn the dubious moniker of the "Art of Suck", but his solid season thus far indicates that he's sure found something this offseason. After a one-two-three first half-inning, Loaiza found himself with yet another lead to work with, courtesy of singles by second baseman Adam Kennedy, first baseman Frank Catalanotto, and third baseman Eric Munson. Though he gives up a run by the time it's all said and done, that lone first inning run was really more than enough for Esteban, who was so brilliant in this one that I have a hard time reconciling that this is the same man who was 8-16 last season. The first and only time the Twins have a baserunner in scoring position is the fifth inning, when Jason Bartlett (a utility infielder starting at first base for no discernable reason) draws a walk and swipes second. Nothing comes of it. Fourth outfielder Lew Ford comes through with a pinch-hit single to right with one out in the next frame, the first hit of the ballgame for the visiting club, but he's thrown out trying to swipe second base a few dozen seconds later. It's basically irrelevant, as Magglio Ordonez had busted the game open the previous half-frame with a three-run big fly off of starter Doug Waechter, but even that is obscured by the second half of the eighth inning, a frame that is simply a microcosm of a lousy game for Minnesota. Only one run crosses for our gang, but it comes about on consecutive outfield errors by Eric Byrnes and "Spiderman" Hunter. Where is the Spidey sense when they need it? Loaiza loses his one-hit shutout when Corey Koskie slams a one-out ninth-inning home run to left, but Hunter and Carlos Lee go down without much of a fight, and I suppose Esteban will just have to settle for a two-hit complete game. "Art of Suck", indeed.
MIN L 5-1 @ CHW

7/8:

CLE L 8-6 @ NYY - Southpaw starter Cliff Lee failed to retire even nine New York batters in an ill-fated stint where he allowed seven hits and six runs, but his counterpart Eddy Candelario fared little better despite lasting three-plus innings longer. It still ends up coming down to a beleaguered Cleveland bullpen, and again they have the chance to push the game to extra time after a ninth-inning flurry, with Joe Crede whacking a double off of Proven Closer (TM) Dave Weathers (who saved 51 games last year) to tie the game. But again the ignominious duo of Betancourt and Benitez blow it, with obscure end-of-the-bench infielder Brian Myrow the hero after blasting a walk-off two-run long ball. You think Cleveland would have saved one of these games just through sheer will or dumb luck. Guess not.
CHW W 4-3 vs. MIN - There is no way the supremely talented right-hander Ben Sheets, he of the 9-4 record and superb strikeout rate, should ever lose to a guy like Ryan Franklin who is on about his fourth right arm, no matter how gritty and gutty Franklin may be. But in the bottom of the first, it is the home club who takes a 1-0 lead after a Magglio Ordonez double is followed by Joe Mauer chucking into right field what should have been an easy 2-3 out to end the inning. Rookie left fielder Clint King blasts his second major league long ball with one out in the next frame, a real big fly to left-center tha makes it two-nil. In the third, our dynamic middle infielders at the top of the order give us yet another quick start to an inning with back-to-back singles, and "Buddha" Ordonez pokes a deep enough fly ball to allow Ramon Vazquez to amble home with our third run. That's all Ben Sheets allows, but it's more than could have been reasonably expected. It's not unreasonable that Ryan Franklin gives it all back on one lousy pitch to Eric Byrnes; I'm more than satisfied that the 34 year old gives us six-plus and another quality start. It's the same score, three-to-three, after seven-and-a-half, but somehow a one-out Frank Catalanotto double leads to a change in that score when backup catcher Miguel Olivo comes off the bench and pounds a two-bagger of his own off of southpaw Aaron Fultz. We manage to close the win out once again, and apparently that means we swept our division rivals.
MIN L 4-3 @ CHW

Here are the standings now:

Chicago.......48-39 (.552 win pct), -- GB, W4
Cleveland.....47-41 (.534), 1.5 GB, L4
Minnesota.....43-43 (.500), 4.5 GB, L3
Kansas City...42-45 (.483), 6 GB, L1
Detroit.......41-45 (.477), 6.5 GB, L2

Is this really the same team that lost 193 (one hundred and ninety-three!!!) the last two years?

[canadiancreed]

I"m starting to wonder!

Have you combined two seasons into one thread?

[The Funk]

Damn man, going good! You gonna make a trade for a little extra oompf in the 2nd half? Do you even have anybody you could trade? Pie is nice. How's Buddha doing this year? How's the Hacktastic one doing, wherever he is? Complete the following sentence in 12,982,768,888,236 words or less: The best thing to have on toast is...

[DAL 9000]

Originally Posted by The Funk

Complete the following sentence in 12,982,768,888,236 words or less: The best thing to have on toast is...

Does it have to be G-rated?

[cknox0723]

This is my latest night in...days (weeks and months, actually), so please excuse the many, many grammatical errors that I am sure will follow. And, please, read and enjoy if you would. Thanks y'all for the kind replies, they are always welcomed.

Originally Posted by canadiancreed

I"m starting to wonder!

Have you combined two seasons into one thread?

No, the title is still accurate, but it certainly seems like it sometimes. However, I did sim a couple of years in the file, before taking over the Pale Hose, so there is what I was referring to.

Originally Posted by The Funk

1. Damn man, going good! 2. You gonna make a trade for a little extra oompf in the 2nd half? 3. Do you even have anybody you could trade? 4. Pie is nice. 5. How's Buddha doing this year? 6. How's the Hacktastic one doing, wherever he is? 7. Complete the following sentence in 12,982,768,888,236 words or less: The best thing to have on toast is...

I ennumerated your reply to make my own a little more coherent. In order:

A. Thanks, club really is pulling out all the stops and it has been quite the nice surprise.
B. You might say that we are going to oompf it up, yes.
3. Yes, we have about three prospects in the minor leagues, the most marketable being last year's 1st rounder, right-hander Chris Scarborough. He has had his growing pains in AAA, but his velocity and natural movement are undeniable, as is his statistical record aside from this year's few blips. Middle infielder Hector Made has had a breakthrough at AA Birmingham this year with a professional peak of a .320 average, though he will probably hang around as Ramon Vazquez is a free agent after this year and the year after next, the same can be said of double-play partner Adam Kennedy. Also, we have this year's first round pick, the young Frank Thomas in 19 year old Billy Rogers. He will not be traded as I adhere to fake real rules, but he is undoubtably a prospect due to his girth, draft status, and nickname of "Nine Fingers", .243 single-A average be damned.
D. I agree, Pie is nice. However, the 22 year old outfield prospect of our crosstown rivals, Felix Pie is hitting just .222 in double-A. They say he is very fast and athletic, but he is a reflexive swinger to the point of excess, so I doubt he will have a long major league career, youth on his side or not.
E. You mean, statistically? His April was indistinguishable from any of the monthly campaigns in his 2004 MVP season (.333/.390/.563, 7 2B, 5 HR, 17 RBI), but his OBP was below .300 and his slugging below .250 in both May and June. Obviously July is still young. Most striking to me was that Maggs Ordonez was the anti-Buddha, tired over much of the season's first three months, even after a day or two off. Surely that dragged down his numbers, admittedly in an awkward manner, but I look back to the broken wrist that abruptly ended Magglio's 2005 season and can reason that as being the reason his numbers have been a bit dampened ever since. "Buddha" is aged 33 and making $9.8 million per annum through 2009, and is currently batting .246/.322/.410.
F. Julio Lugo is still colored purple because he is caddying for Saint Eckstein over on the Left Coast, and he has 14 hits in 55 at-bats for a .255 average, with one home run and five runs batted in. I might also mention that his former double-play partner, Juan "The Out-Sucking Machine" Uribe is batting an anemic sixteen for ninety-three (.172) with a paltry .226 slugging as Seattle's sixth infielder. In fact, they have probably gotten more use out of the other man they acquired in the Shea Hillenbrand deal, 24 year old southpaw Jay Marshall, who recently debuted with a bang, blanking Oakland over seven frames to earn the W in his MLB debut. Of course, the last-place A's are a single-A team in more than just name, but the rookie lefty's debut serves as a fine lesson in control, which I will save for another time if that is OK.
7. My favorite toast topping is peanut butter.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Is this really the same team that lost 193 (one hundred and ninety-three!!!) the last two years?

No, it is not. Here is how the ballclub has changed, since the Pale Hose first came to the dynasty forum.

Sometime after Boston defeated the Cubs 4-2 in the 2005 WORLD SERIES, the news wires began to report on the players granted free agency. The other team in Chicago, the club that had won just 62 games, let go of first baseman Paul Konerko and outfielder Carlos Lee, both big-time power hitters who had ended up splintering on the bench through a combination of injuries and mismanagement. The former blasted a career-high 34 long balls down by the San Francisco bay last season, though he is batting just .246/.293/.390 this season, and Lee smashed 23 home runs in just a half-year in Colorado, cashing in big this offseason with our friends in Minnesota, where he has basically been Magglio Ordonez's equal, and that really ain't much of a compliment.

All of the cash freed up by the departure of those gentlemen as well as various other shrubs and greenery led to the ill-fated fiasco that was one very old catcher named Mike Piazza, as well some smaller, less disastrous moves. Platoon outfielder Brian Buchanan hooked on for a year and pasted left-handed pitchers as he always had, to the tune of a .366 OBP and .496 slugging, and parlayed that into a decent wage from Texas this offseason, where he has done his usual thing but had it obscured a bit more by more noticeable struggles against right-handers, something he didn't have to worry about when playing for a lousy, last-place ballclub. Dmitri "D.Y." Young hooked up with the club on a one-year deal just before the spring, and absolutely beat the snot out of the ball all year long, bludgeoning 40 doubles and clubbing 12 big flies, providing a considerable on-base threat and power presence out of the #2 slot in the batting order and giving us more bang for the buck than we ever deserved. His .310/.360/.448 line doesn't do his contributions justice, even accounting for his creative-at-best left field defense. "D.Y." got the riches he so deserved this offseason from the Mets, and he has been a main cog in the offense while other offseason signings like catcher Matt LeCroy, the former Twin, have bombed. Dmitri is batting .335 with 26 doubles to pace the team in both categories, and he is quite a large reason why the ballclub is finally pacing the NL East as they were predicted to. At 33 years old, it is unclear that the Mississippi native will do this for much longer, but I'm sure he'll be stinging line drives somewhere at age 45.

First baseman Brad Fullmer was also an offseason pickup, but he had an off year with the bat, and so I like to keep that on the down-low.

A handful of pitchers who are currently on the staff were acquired during that first fateful offseason, but none of them through a conventional signing, which I suppose is a credit to my ingenuity or a debit to my stinginess, whichever you prefer.

"Mercurial Kiko" Calero was squeezed out of Saint Louis and ended up over here, surely something they regret as the Missouri-based ballclub is having significant trouble bridging the gap to the superb Jason Isringhausen this year. Calero was relatively indistinguishable from the rest of the mediocre 'pen last year, but was brilliant this April and has mostly had command of his frequent battles with command ever since. He has yet to allow a long ball in 42+ innings of work after allowing 9 in 67.1 frames last year, and arbitration may net him a nice payday at the age of 32 this offseason.

PJ Bevis was a Rule 5 pickup who was simply not going to crack a very deep Mets staff (that is improbably even deeper this year after someone was drinking the Kool-Aid this offseason; granting, they are in first now, so all is well, but I would hate to balance that budget); Bevis ended up with a 5.94 ERA inflated by an 11-run outing in a 23-run loss to Texas one fateful June night (shaddup), but he has been reasonably effective this year with a 3.53 mark in 36 frames. The 26 year old's command is probably a notch below average, but he compensates with a pair of hard sidearm offerings that can only be described as nasty and will apparently lead to an above-average K rate for years to come. I am not so sure I trust him against left-handed batters, or in the late innings of real close ones, but maybe that is just his inexperience, or perhaps mine, that is showing through.

The other two guys are less significant pieces of the pie (which is quite a tasty foodstuff), but Rick "Wild Thing" Ankiel and "Schizo Jorge" DePaula merit mention for all of the good times they've given us. Ankiel can't really throw consecutive strikes more than once a week, but he did give us one hell of a game when you voted him to make the start, and DePaula has managed a 6-23 record over his 200 innings in Pale Hose, making him in some ways the quintessential Pale Hose, uh, guy.

We'd add southpaw reliever Mike Gallo on waivers in May of last year, and he was extremely ordinary last season and has pitched the best 38 innings of his life this year, toting a 2.13 ERA as of this writing, though his record when entering games mid-inning is significantly worse, which I suppose means that he is less a specialist and more just a plain old pitcher. Fourth outfielder and my personal favoritest player Raul Gonzalez had been added a few weeks earlier, and the 32 year old pounded the ball for a while in triple-A before earning the call to the show in mid-July. He's been here ever since, hitting .283/.367/.434 in 173 AB's last year and parlaying that into...$350K in arbitration, as he fell 13 days of service time short of getting a chance on the open market. Predictably, "The Element" that charged Raul has been missing much of this year, as he lost his center field job to rookie Brian Anderson with a mediocre April notable only for three triples and an abonimable (.164/.225/.233) May. Since then, mostly free of pesky left-handers and everyday pressures, Gonzalez has quietly reasserted himself as a capable batsman and outfielder. His overall .237/.323/.377 line doesn't blow you away, but his numbers against right-handed pitchers are quite fine at .274/.353/.419, and he's going to be re-signed if I have any say in it.

But this ballclub has really been constructed through trades, and for the most part I am happy with them, both for what they have brung/brought/brang the team and for how they seemed to make sense at the time. Some might say they don't make any sense now, but **** the ********, I say. **** the *******.

Here is a rundown that I tried to balance between brevity and detail, much unlike this sentence. I fudged the ages a little, tho', 'cause I can be lazy like that. It's close enough.

2/28/2006: Traded 30 yr old LHRP Damaso Marte, 22 yr old RHSP Kris Honel, and 25 yr old minor league infielder Ruddy Yan to New York for 27 yr old RHSP Jorge DePaula, 21 yr old minor league infielder Hector Made, and cash.

The idea was to clear up some money, so free chips & beer on that front. The two youngest players in the deal are the most likely to end up making more than minimal impact, though the jury is definitely out on Honel, who has had success at lower levels but bombed in the bigs a few years ago and in triple-A this year. I probably made 35 posts with "DePaula" in there somewhere, but he is in triple-A now and the shine is definitely off the man who went 13-8 in the Bronx in 2004, in a swingman role. Made (.321/.374/.450 in his first taste of AA) looks like a nice prospect with a wide skillset, though his base-stealing skills have gone to hell this year (an atrocious 16 CS to 18 SB; he was 52-63 in steals last year), and maybe that will all translate to a boring .250/.300/.350 line in the bigs. Cash is probably the best player in the deal even without shooting the sheriff, and no, that is not a sexual euphemism, pervert.

5/1/2006: Traded 20 yr old LHSP Francis Beech to San Diego for 33 yr old RHRP Akinori Otsuka, 30 yr old IF Ramon Vazquez, and 26 yr old minor league RHSP Brian Whitaker.

This is one deal I wish I could ctrl+Z away, as the Friars were not a million games out at the time (in fact around .500) and so I don't think it makes any sense. Of course if Beech blossomed like their 24 yr old pheenom Sean Thompson has (10-4, 3.19), maybe my conscience wouldn't care so much. "Pokey" Vazquez was frivolously tossed on waivers at the time, so it is really the unnecessary dealing of Otsuka, a valuable bullpen arm, that keeps me awake at night. So, too, does the thought of Whitaker, an absolutely atrocious pitcher who probably **** his pants as a kid, the ratfink. The young southpaw Beech is nothing special and probably never will be. Hooray, the trade is a win for us, but I ain't doing no cartwheels. Mercifully, this is the only trade I can look back on and say, "Yes, this is definitely some flawed AI we are talking about here."

A month later (give or take), we sent inconsequential minor league infielder Pedro Lopez to the same club in the desperate hope that Jason "The Mime" LaRue would give us a real, live catcher. He smacked about a half-dozen hits in his first week and provided some interesting clubhouse chat, but that is about it, and the dispirited backstop eventually quit the game in disgust.

That ain't much there. So it is the moves we have made this year that have improved the club. Marshall & Uribe to Seattle for Hillenbrand has already been mentioned, and "Shea-Rod" is hacking away in double-A right now, so that ain't it. But adding 28 year old Yorvit Torrealba (one of them real, live catchers!) for what has amounted to peanuts was a spirited move, as he's provided more bang for the buck (.290/.337/.420 in a career-high 224 at-bats) than anyone (even ifspuds!) could have ever expected, and then professional hitter Frank Catalanotto was basically gifted on us from Los Angeles. At the plate, he is like a man in the produce section of the grocery store picking through the bananas for those that are just right, and essentially replacing a tragic fellow like former centerfielder Joe Borchard, who was prone to slipping and falling on a banana peel.

Speaking of bananas, we have our very own in Michael "" Nannini, who was hand-picked off one of Montreal's branches and has given us 5 or 6 quality starts out of seven so far. His success, along with the 10 and counting strong starts from oft-injured veteran Ryan Franklin, have been as much a reason for the club's improvement as any.

But we are going to be able to add another one to that list, and now creed will not be the only one loving Toronto. We should all give thanks to our friends up north, for they are human, too, and grow tired of jokes about the sub-zero temperatures and exchange rate. And those crazy Canadians...they grow tired of that, and all hell breaks loose. They decide they have to trade two-time All-Star centerfielder Vernon Wells, a superb gloveman and powerful hitter whose free agency and recent spate of errors are hanging overhead like one of those blizzards or whatever the hell they get up in Canada.

They just want to be rid of him, asking only for outfielder Jeremy Reed (remember him?) and mediocre pitching prospect Armando Deltoro in return. With three capable young outfielders named Nix, Rios, and Restovich covering the ground in Wells's shadow, there's no need for Reed (whose record is a calvcade of .230 batting averages anyway), and Deltoro ain't much but a soft-tossing strike-thrower, but I only pause for so long before saying, "Screw it, they made the offer, got to pounce and bounce." Their all-everything ace pitcher Roy Halladay is also facing free agency at year's end, so I guess the fourth-place ballclub had to prioritize. What the hell we did to deserve their charity, I'll never know.

Wells is finally in town after needing a few days to get to the South Side of the Second City, and he'll be in center field and batting fourth when we finally take on Tampa for our last set before the All-Star break. I didn't plan it -- I didn't plan it -- but it happened, and now I am finally, truly starting to believe.