Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[cknox0723]

okay, so i'm going to break my no-picture rule in the interest of entertainment, because it's always a par-tay here in the pale hose thread!

here is a little game of pictionary. i'll show you some pictures corresponding to an event or events that happened in each of our four games in oakland, and you can tell me what happened. it's interactive, i can pretend it's amusing, and it saves me a whole lot of writing. (never mind that i'm going to write everything, anyway)

so, without further adieu:

#1:



#2:



#3:





#4:




so, you tell me...wha' happened in this series?

ps - sorry about the complete disparity in size between some of the pictures. maybe you can see why i stick to text, for the most part.

[rem]

^^^ That post




-----

my head

[Jestor]

I hate foil. I hate it hate it hate it!!!! Sabre and epee are the macdaddy pimpolicious.

Other than that uh, I have no idea what the images say. BTW, hop on AIM.

[UngratefulDead]

Something about Brian Anderson and Miguel Olivo hitting a little Dick with a sausage? I dunno, Craig, sounds kinda gay...

[Jestor]

Wait, wait. A grand salami figures in somehow!

[Vris]

1) Some Pale Hosian breaks out.
2) Banana guy likes chocolate covered raisins.
3) Relief Ace busts a little pitch into a grand salami.
4) Wilco duels against The X-Files dudes? I dunno. I know nothing against either of them.

What do I win?

[The Funk]

1: See Vris.

2: Banana = victory. Those things look quite festive to me - Christmas comes early? And I think they're chocolate-covered nuts.

3: Um... The Yankees all have tiny wangs and get jacked out of the park by your guys and their giant salamis. Women are impressed.

Or Enrique Wilson had been getting really small numbers but the Yanks gambled with him (maybe in a pinch-hit situation) and he comes through big, possibly in salami-based-baseball-synonym form. This is assuming he doesn't play for you in this universe, which I think he might do, I can't remember.

Or, Wilson pisses you off in some way so you decide to take it out on other minorities and ostracise the Jews by filling your stadium with oversized non-kosher foodstuffs.

Or something else happened (I think I got it with this one)

4: Wilco was at the game trying to discover the real reason why your team sucks so badly. They got bored and decided to go fencing instead.

Or something involving a hard fought battle with an implausible ending? Extra innings? Yanks (if it's them you're playing) looking to tie the series?

You get fired for bandwidth theft.

[Vris]

Answers???!?!?!?!?!?!!1!///1/1?

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Vris

Answers???!?!?!?!?!?!!1!///1/1?

comin' up, my man!!!

pardon my brevity at the moment -- school is kicking my ass in terms of time right now -- but it is either make note of how funny all y'all are or type up some ass-kicking ball-busting pale hose action. for the first time in, what, a week and a half, i opted for the latter.

[cknox0723]

WED 5/24 - "Brian Anderson breaks out"

With the pitching matchup of Jon Garland and Mike Wood decidedly in our favor for this first game out in Oaktown, I throw caution to the wind and tell "Buddha" Ordonez, equal amounts of tired and awful this month, to go off and meditate. Hot hitting rookie Brian Anderson bats in Ordonez's prime spot in the order...and right out of the gate, Ramon Vazquez singles, Adam Kennedy draws a base on balls, and Anderson's got a chance to make some hay.

Hey! Wood's first pitch to the right-handed hitting outfielder is right up in his wheelhouse, and Anderson, with one mighty swing of the lumber, rewards my confidence in him, blasting a ball over the outfielders and off the left-center field fence. Both runners score, as does Anderson after a single by Frank Catalanotto, and a hell of a way to start a roadtrip, with a 3-0 edge.

Same score -- one out, top of the third. Anderson cracks a line drive single to center to get us a baserunner. Frank Catalanotto follows with a bouncing ball to first that Erubiel Durazo misplays enough so that Catty makes it in safely to first, and now we've got a genuine chance to add to that 3-0 lead...but Eric Munson, striding up to the plate, is in a terrible, terrible funk.

So I call for the double steal. Why not? Anderson inches off second. Wood peers at him, then catcher Jeremy Brown. The cat-and-mouse game continues for a quarter-minute, maybe more. Then Wood finally lets that trite cry sink into his mind..."Just focus on the batter." And so he does. He grips the red, red seams tight as he can, kicks forward, fires in a fastball, intent on being as a precise as an open-heart surgeon...

But it doesn't matter, because Munson's taking all the way. Anderson streaks down the line and Jeremy Brown's rag-armed toss is in vain. Away from the action, Frank Catalanotto eases into second.

Double steal. Nice. Three pitches later, Munson hits a can of corn out into left-center, and Anderson trots home with our fourth run.

Jon Garland goes five, fanning seven, and the bullpen has enough of a cushion that we pull this one out, aided by a couple of late runs.



CHW 6 OAK 4

WP: J. Garland (3-5)
LP: M. Wood (0-2)
S: P.J. Bevis (1)

[The Funk]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

...but it is either make note of how funny all y'all are or type up some ass-kicking ball-busting pale hose action. for the first time in, what, a week and a half, i opted for the latter.

Well if you won't, I sure as hell will. I made this thread what it is today, you ingrate! To show this:

Originally Posted by The Funk

1: See Vris.

2: Banana = victory. Those things look quite festive to me - Christmas comes early? And I think they're chocolate-covered nuts.

3: Um... The Yankees all have tiny wangs and get jacked out of the park by your guys and their giant salamis. Women are impressed.

Or Enrique Wilson had been getting really small numbers but the Yanks gambled with him (maybe in a pinch-hit situation) and he comes through big, possibly in salami-based-baseball-synonym form. This is assuming he doesn't play for you in this universe, which I think he might do, I can't remember.

Or, Wilson pisses you off in some way so you decide to take it out on other minorities and ostracise the Jews by filling your stadium with oversized non-kosher foodstuffs.

Or something else happened.


4: Wilco was at the game trying to discover the real reason why your team sucks so badly. They got bored and decided to go fencing instead.

Or something involving a hard fought battle with an implausible ending? Extra innings? Yanks (if it's them you're playing) looking to tie the series?

That's right, the inaugural 'The Funk's Ross Gload* Award For Clutch Posting, In Association With The Funk *(Not affiliated with Ross Gload)' goes to... me.

HUZZAH!

(, by the way - that first one was easy)

[cknox0723]

THUR 5/23 - "A Feast of Banananananas and Olives"

It's Michael "" Nannini's first start in Pale Hose, and I'm sure he's doing the banana dance when Ramon Vazquez starts the ballgame off by smashing a Brett Tomko fastball down into the right field corner for a nice two-base hit. It's a testament to how hot the top of our order's been when I'm actually surprised that someone catches the line drive scalded off Adam Kennedy's bat. But we get our run anyway when second sacker Bret Boone makes a nice stop on a hard-hit "Buddha" ball -- and then chucks it to Laguna. Nannininini is OK in the bottom half, with only Bobby Kielty reaching base (and on an F-Cat error besides), but I still ain't bursting with confidence like with the previous game.

The Hose go down right quick in the top of the second, and sure enough, Nannini gives up a couple hits and gets himself into trouble before the second inning's three batters old. Somehow, he strikes out Boonie and induces the pitcher Tomko to hit a soft fly ball out to never-never land, leaving two Elephants on base. And, hell, if Beane is still running this team, he wouldn't give a **** if they were elephants, would he?

Nannini's not so lucky against some real live ballplayers in the third, though, as havoc is created and elephants are running around the stadium after singles by CF Chris Snelling and his outfield mate Kielty. As an aside, Snelling was AL batting champ in Seattle last year, and acquired for hotshot third base prospect William Catania in the offseason. The kid is currently in AAA but does have one major league home run to his credit. Hotshot third baseman of the present Eric Chavez squirms into a 2-2 count and somehow convinces himself that a fastball on the outside corner is not worth swinging at. I can't credit Nannini there; it's just dumb luck. Sure enough, fearsome, frightening man-beast Miguel Cairo brings home the run anyway, on a ground ball to short. He can take down reigning MVP Chavvy -- scare him enough that the buehrle third sacker won't even swing at strike three, even -- but, boy howdy, hide the women and children when "The Godzilla of Utility Infielders", man! At least that's all the Elephants get, as Bob Crosby ends the inning by hitting one to his counterpart, my boy Ramon.

Things settle in the fourth and fifth, with only a scattered single or two the only tangible things to come of the frames. We have the heart of the order in the top of the sixth, so I'm hoping for more, but "Sleepy" Ordonez, that damned dwarf, bounces to second. Frankie Cats scratches a ground ball to third, and that's...good for a baserunner, as Eric Chavez pulls his boy Cairo off the bag with a throw closer to Alexandria. Brings up Brian Anderson, and this dog just knows the same old tricks, dawg.

"Ball and a strike to Anderson. Ones across the board, in fact -- man on first, one man out, one-one ballgame. Tomko to the set. Brown settling on the outside half. And the pitch -- oh, my, right down the middle and Anderson CRUSHES it to left field! Way, way back...we're here in Oakland, but I think that ball just splashed down in McCovey Cove! Brian Anderson with a two-run long ball, emphasis on the long, and the Pale Hose take a 3-1 lead."

Michael Nannini follows that up by recording what I feel are the three most important outs of the game -- more than the first three, more than the last three -- the sixth inning, where it's ostensibly too early to go to a closer (or even a relief ace), but what the hell kind of time is that for a mop-up man? Shortstop Crosby bounces out to the left side, struggling veteran LF Bill McMillon deadens one towards second, and backstop Jeremy Brown ain't sellin' no nothing as he jogs down the line, only to see Ramon Vazquez's throw sail in true to Frank Catalanotto.

With those outs out of the way, we bust things open next innings. Five Pale Hosians come across the plate, all with two outs, catalyzed by Ramon Vazquez's two-bagger into the right-center field gap and topped off with the de-licious cherry that is a pinch-hit 432-foot tater by "Hackin' Miggy" Olivo. Kiko Calero goes a couple innings, and the rookie southpaw Fabio Castro fits in just fine with a one-two-three ninth in his major league debut.

Last year, he would have fit in by giving up about four runs, playing a huge part in losing this game ten to eight in eleven innings. But this year...I could get used to this, you know?



CHW 8 OAK 1

WP: M. Nannini (1-0)
LP: B. Tomko (3-4)

4: I won't be able to give you answer #4 tonight (or #3, for that matter) -- sorry, peeps, but I got a date with the sunrise tomorrow morning. But I thought I would note that with this win, there's a 'W4' in a certain column next to a certain team from Chicago's south side, and it ain't got nothin' to do with income taxes.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by The Funk

Well if you won't, I sure as hell will. I made this thread what it is today, you ingrate! To show this:

That's right, the inaugural 'The Funk's Ross Gload* Award For Clutch Posting, In Association With The Funk *(Not affiliated with Ross Gload)' goes to... me.

HUZZAH!

(, by the way - that first one was easy)

ok, i could maybe pull off ignoring that whole bunch of replies since there were just so many, but this is just too much.

i think it is only appropriate that in the pale hose thread, my posts pale in comparison to so many of y'all's replies. my heartfelt thanks...

...now why don't you pervs get back to the talk about chocolate-covered nuts? chocolate-covered nuts? they're olives!!!1

just playin'. glad to finally get this thread rolling again, if only a bit. unfortunately it may not pick up speed again for another day or three, but didn't want y'all to think i bagged out on ya. plus, i like lovable losers as much as anyone, but it is a frickin' joy to write stuff about a team playing as well as these hose...were. or are?

looking forward to getting back to it ASAP. see ya on the flipside.

[Vris]

Craig? School?

I feel the need to send a PM...

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Vris

Craig? School?

I feel the need to send a PM...

Yeah, old man, school. You know, the thing with the books? How quickly we forget!

This is school, for the time being. It is not Harvard but I am liking my classes so far, and I am doing pretty well with them. Only 3 classes but I am thinking about enrolling there full-time next semester, maybe even earning the associate's before transferring. The only downside is that is not the 'true' college experience (commuting, for one thing), but beyond that, I kind of like. I guess there is one more downside, though -- between classes and working ~30 hours a week, it's hard to find time to write a good bit about some fictional baseball team from Chicago. But here's some.

And I welcome PM's, any and all! We haven't talked in far too long, besides.

And with that bit out of the way, let's finish off this godforsaken series with Oakland. With a little bit of style, even.

[MattStewNYY]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Yeah, old man, school. You know, the thing with the books? How quickly we forget!

This is school, for the time being. It is not Harvard but I am liking my classes so far, and I am doing pretty well with them. Only 3 classes but I am thinking about enrolling there full-time next semester, maybe even earning the associate's before transferring. The only downside is that is not the 'true' college experience (commuting, for one thing), but beyond that, I kind of like. I guess there is one more downside, though -- between classes and working ~30 hours a week, it's hard to find time to write a good bit about some fictional baseball team from Chicago. But here's some.

And I welcome PM's, any and all! We haven't talked in far too long, besides.

And with that bit out of the way, let's finish off this godforsaken series with Oakland. With a little bit of style, even.

harvard is really not harvard though...

once you start seeing yale med students and midgets with business degrees from ivy league universities on late night informercials you know the gap isn't as wide as it was 60 years ago. hell brookdale sounds like one of those juco's in california that the o.c. children attend for fear of venturing too close to the real word. if they dropped or hid the cc i wouldn't know the difference!

valleyboy

[Jestor]

Actually the California community colleges are the best in the country and even exceed the education you get at quite a few four year universities.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by me, 20 hours ago

I guess there is one more downside, though -- between classes and working ~30 hours a week, it's hard to find time to write a good bit about some fictional baseball team from Chicago. But here's some.

hey, now that was some update, huh?

I'll be straight with you now, I have obviously had trouble keeping the thread updated the past month or so, and it has been bothering me quite a bit. I feel like something is missing, and in fact it is, as much as the Pale Hose are something. Sure, my time has been spread a bit thin recently, but that's a lame little excuse.

Nah, I think I figured out the real reason sometime last night, whilst perusing the Top 75 dynasty thread. Here is a quote from the late, great seth:

Originally Posted by seth70liz76

That's why the Pale Hose will keep going as long as their "suckage" make Craig smile.

We don't suck this year, folks. Or at least not right now.

We can blow an eight to one second-inning lead and still win the ballgame -- that's where Enrique Wilson's pinch-hit four-run four-bagger came in, our third game out in Oakland. We hit journeyman right-hander Ryan Mottl all over the lot, but Schizo Jorge handed out free game-used baseballs to the bleacher denizens at NetAss Stadium as if he was somehow perpetuating the species by doing so, but we won the battle of the bullpens by plating five against left-hander Frank Brooks in the eighth, four of which came courtesy of one long drive to center by some sh*tty utility infielder occasionally called "The Relief Ace., bless his heart.

Then Ken Macha and Co. just handed us the fourth game of the series, eschewing their fully-rested southpaw ace Mark Mulder in favor of mediocre righty Justin Duchscherer on short rest. Must have been the northpaw's ERA that sat at a run and a half higher than Mulder's. Instead of dueling aces, we had the clear advantage between moundsmen, and so a couple of early solo long balls off the bats of Eric Chavez and fifth outfielder Armando Rios weren't such a big deal. Sure enough, we matched those runs and then some in the fifth, when number three hitter Magglio Ordonez came up with the bases loaded and unloaded 'em with a shot down into the left field corner. That gave us five notches in our belt, and it was more than enough for Buehrle, who was absolutely brilliant in coming up one out short of the complete game -- seven hits, two runs, two walks, and ten strikeouts in those eight and two-thirds, with that heavy sinking fastball and sharp slider really darting to the tune of 12 ground ball outs. And the pitch count? A tidy hundred and thirty. Yeah, that might make you cringe a little, but, boy, is it nice to have a horse like that to ride.

Fresh off that sweep, we ride our horses out to Kansas City for a three-gamer with our division rivals, and we ain't slowin' down none, even against their ace Carl Pavano. We scratch out a first inning run thanks to the te-riffic trio of middle infielders Vazquez and Kennedy and nominal psuedo-star Ordonez, handing Esteban a one-run lead to work with. He's dropped it like a hot potato by the fifth frame and left the game entirely by the sixth, but former Rule 5 pick PJ Bevis only mucks things up a little more with an ill-timed battle with his nemesis, the strike zone. But a 4-2 hole's no problem for our brave heroes, especially when a sight for sore eyes like Scott Stewart takes the mound. When left-handed Ramon Vazquez, typically anemic against southpaw moundsmen, clubs a one-out shot off the right-center field fence, I can't help but get a good feeling. Sure enough, by the time the dust's settled on the inning, we've tied the game back up.

The game stays knotted up at four up until the top of the eleventh, when their Proven Closer (TM) Brian Schmack finally departs, and we beat up on lesser right-handed relievers Shawn Camp and Nate Field. Buoyed by Mike Sweeney slipping and falling on the wet grass to bring a run home, we plate four in the half-frame, plenty enough for left-hander Fabio Castro, who's perfect in the bottom half to get us the 8-4 win, our seventh straight.

See? WHERE IS THE SUCKAGE???

Just to catch up the thread completely (since it's gone too slow anyone), we get our eighth straight win when Jon Garland outduels 2-5 rookie Zack Greinke, who falls to 2-6. Third basemen Eric Munson and David Bell each hit three-run taters, and the always-clutch Enrique Wilsob comes through with a big pinch-hit ribbie single in the seventh to put the icing on top. Our lead reaches as high as six to three before Joe Roa and Aki Otsuka give a few back, but Kiko Calero slams the door in the ninth to give us a 6-5 win.

We finally lose a friggin' game in our last jaunt out in the midwest, as journeyman right-hander Mike Nannini just does not have the service time or the all-important POISE of a savvy, established vet like Todd Ritchie. We can't scratch much out against the former Pale Hosian, as rookie left fielder Clint King strokes half of our 6 hits on his lonesome, and trust me, he ain't much with the stick. Lefty reliever Mike Gallo allows an ill-timed sixth inning hit to the pitcher Ritchie that plates the inherited baserunner Abe Nunez, and that is technically the difference in a 3-2 defeat. While a loss like that ordinarily might eat away at my soul for a few days, I can't sweat it with standings like these:

CHW 26-25
MIN 26-25
KC  25-26
CLE 25-27
DET 23-27

Short, sweet, to the point. Beautiful.

It's taken a little while for me to get used to this winning thing. I doubt it'll last, but June's amateur draft is but a day away, and we're heading to the Bronx in the same position in the standings as the Empire. Life is good in the land of the Pale Hose.

Worth the wait, no?

[Vris]

Woohoo!

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Vris

^^fixed that for ya

EDIT: for me, too!!