Portland Raccoons (ABL)

[Bub13]

The Age of the Travises (Travis-ties?) is over.

[Westheim]

Originally Posted by Bub13

The Age of the Travises (Travis-ties?) is over.

Thank god and holy Moses yes!

[Westheim]

Nothing much happened over the holidays; while I talked to several free agents to round out the roster, we only made one signing and he had no shot at being around on Opening Day, another young Japanese import that would probably be just as great as the last one…

+++

December 21 – The Cyclones pick up ex-SAL SP Brian Frain (56-53, 3.78 ERA, 4 SV) on a 2-yr, $5.16M contract.
December 24 – The Raccoons sign 24-yr old international free agent 2B/SS Yukitsura Hirai to a $300k contract.
December 24 – The Warriors grab former Raccoons reliever Victor Anaya (13-11, 3.74 ERA, 4 SV) for the modest price of $4.38M over three years.
January 1 – 37-year-old veteran ex-SFW 1B Kevin Harenberg (.298, 261 HR, 1,225 RBI) lands another big contract, signing with the Capitals for 2-yr, $3.84M.
January 7 – Former Indians SP Sal Bedoya (72-57, 3.35 ERA) signs a 3-yr, $9.84M contract with the Crusaders.

+++

Other Raccoons with new homes: Billy Jennings inked a 2-yr, $1.92M deal with the Gold Sox;

+++

Only one player made it into the Hall of Fame on the 2035 ballot, 16-year veteran Jason LaCombe, who spent his entire career with Californian Federal League teams, debuting with the Scorpions in 2014 and staying there until ’27, followed by two years with the Pacifics. Along the way the steady defender, who was born in Japan and entered the league as international free agent, won Rookie of the Year honors, five Gold Gloves, was an All Star nine times, and hoisted the 2020 World Series trophy with Sacramento. LaCombe won the batting title in 2017 and led the league in walks three times and OBP twice. For his career he batted .319/.440/.397 with just 31 home runs and 857 RBI, but scored 1,299 runs as a top of the order batter.

Complete voting results with year on the ballot and percentage of votes:

SAC 3B Jason LaCombe – 1st – 84.3 – INDUCTED
??? SP Chris Klein – 1st – 72.4
ATL LF Gil Rockwell – 8th – 39.9
LAP C Errol Spears – 3rd – 25.0
??? CL Jarrod Morrison – 3rd – 23.1
??? CL Ben Marx – 1st – 21.3
??? SP Ernest Green – 2nd – 20.1
??? SP Ian Van Meter – 3rd – 16.4
VAN 1B Ray Gilbert – 10th – 14.6 – DROPPED
NAS C Pat Walston – 4th – 11.9
OCT 2B Emilio Farias – 2nd – 9.7
ATL SS Devin Hibbard – 2nd – 7.5
??? SP Bob King – 9th – 7.5
PIT SP Pedro Hernandez – 2nd – 6.7
SAC SP Brian Simmons – 1st – 6.0
POR LF Ricardo Carmona – 2nd – 4.1 – DROPPED
SAC CF Ray Meade – 2nd – 3.0 – DROPPED
BOS C Tim Robinson – 1st – 3.0 – DROPPED
DAL 2B Raul Maldonado – 1st – 3.0 – DROPPED
??? SP Bryan Hanson – 1st – 2.2 – DROPPED
??? SP Alberto Molina – 1st – 1.9 – DROPPED
??? SP Tadasu Abe – 1st – 1.1 – DROPPED
??? SP Alejandro Mendez – 2nd – 1.1 – DROPPED
??? 2B Jose Gutierrez – 1st – 0.4 – DROPPED

[Westheim]

Nobody really asked for him, but striving for an upgrade in the outfield, the Raccoons re-signed Nate Hall in January. The almost-32-year-old got a $380k deal for the 2035 season, his fifth change of scenery in under four years. He had been with us in 2032, batting .252 with seven homers in almost 500 PA. If things go as planned, he won’t get nearly as many plate appearances this season…

+++

January 10 – The Raccoons sign ex-SAL OF Nate Hall (.262, 48 HR, 414 RBI) to a 1-year deal worth $380k.
January 20 – The Canadiens trade MR Dave Peluso (6-1, 3.69 ERA) to the Cyclones for #89 prospect C Marco Romero.
January 21 – Former MIL/RIC INF Wayne Morris (.289, 46 HR, 427 RBI) breaks the bank with a 7-yr, $27.24M contract from the Gold Sox.
January 21 – The Raccoons make their bullpen tougher with the addition of ex-VAN MR Dusty Kulp (44-45, 4.05 ERA, 70 SV). The 32-year-old righty signs a 3-yr, $3.3M contract.
February 1 – Ex-DEN LF/RF Federico Nuno (.238, 41 HR, 243 RBI) signs a 2-year deal with the Capitals that will pay $2.24M to the 29-year-old.
February 4 – The Pacifics snatch ex-NAS SP Mark Morrison (115-118, 4.02 ERA) for 3-yr, $9.12M.

+++

Kulp had a few meh years surrounded by meh defenses and we can offer him something better. Nick Bates, who has no options, is probably out of luck here, especially since nobody’s dying to get his services via a deal for even modest returns.

The Morrison signing made our old #20 pick move to Nashville. The Pacifics had received it when we signed Justin Fowler. The Blue Sox now have the #18, #20, and #22 picks, and two picks in the supplemental round.

Tom Hawkins signs with the Falcons for $338k; the Blue Sox pick up Mark Roberts for $680k; the Titans picked Terry Kopp for $390k; Jonathan Fleischer is a Falcon for $296k; Jon Gonzalez got $366k from the Capitals;

The rest of the last few weeks was mostly stupid things, like Ed Blair being stalked by an Agitator hitman and caught diving into a dumpster behind Luigi’s two blocks down to the Columbia River. Trying to make a quick escape, Blair fell off the edge of the dumpster and hit his knee, and it is all very well documented in the ****ty assault piece they call newspaper. (throws the ****ty assault piece into the bin) That will not threaten Blair for Opening Day, but I am weary and I see disaster looming behind every – UH-UH! No! Berto! You’re not gonna eat that with knife and fork! – No, also not with your paws, you’re gonna- … Someone pre-chew it for him and feed him like the mother bird does!

(Chad, costumed, shows great resolve, points an index finger skyward, and strides towards Ramos, who squeals and scatters)

I long for the start of the season.

[Westheim]

The rest of the preseason was spent hunting down a few more players for the AAA team and watching old bums getting lowly-paid gigs here and there, including former Raccoons. Lance Legleiter signed with the Indians for $348k; Fernando Garcia was back with the dumb Elks for $570k; Adrian Reichardt signed with the Blue Sox with one week left in the spring and for $710k;

The Stars found a new closer in the rubble they rummaged through in March, inking ex-DEN CL Adrian McQuinn (41-41, 3.04 ERA, 246 SV) to a 3-yr, $4.38M deal that wasn’t often doled out with the season right around the corner.

The Critters baked smaller buns, spending $315k on SP Seth Green, a 25-year-old righty from Nantucket that had seen six games in relief’s worth of action with the Falcons at some point and had allowed 11 runs in 11 innings. That had been in 2032 and 2033 though, so he had an additional season of ripening under his belt. He also had an option left which we would use to park him in AAA right away, especially given some concern that Darren Brown, who a) had no spot on the roster, and b) no options either, would be lost on waivers in early April. Not that we were concerned about the loss of “talent” on his part… but we had to make the numbers tally up with the Alley Cats at some point. They, too, needed 12 pitchers.

Minor league deals were also given out to infielders Gavin Reece, who had hit .256 with 2 HR and 66 RBI in parts of four seasons with the Aces, and who signed a minor league deal with a $340k major league option. He was the early-Berto-injury backup. He was capable in the D, quick on the base paths, and maybe he’d stumble on base entirely by accident…; and another minor league deal with Matt Triolo, who for the second time signed such a deal with the Critters. The last time had been prior to the 2028 season, but he had been traded for Jon Correa and ultimately a set of rings before long. Triolo had never made the majors.

Those were all players added with at least some name recognition and/or basic value.

By March we also returned 3B Fidel Nunez to the Scorpions after having taken him in the rule 5 draft three months earlier. On the infield it was really down to him and Justin Marsingill for the sixth spot, and Marsingill was a more versatile defender and we didn’t expect Nunez to hit any better than the paltry output we had gotten in part-time duty from Marsingill for - … has it really already been three years?

More importantly, it’s been six years ringless. And that’s enough!

[Westheim]

2035 PORTLAND RACCOONS – Opening Day Roster (first set in parenthesis shows 2034 stats, second set career stats; players with an * are off season acquisitions):

SP Bernie Chavez, 26, B:R, T:R (16-5, 2.57 ERA | 36-22, 3.47 ERA) – had by far his best career year, coming third in ERA in the league and being consistently stingy even if he didn’t strike out even six batters per nine innings. 94mph, curve, slider, and the tendency to hang something from time to time with a worst of 20 homers allowed in the 2033 season.
SP Colt Willes *, 28, B:R, T:R (10-7, 2.77 ERA | 40-39, 3.52 ERA) – acquired in trade with the Capitals, Willes looks like a really steady guy and a big gain for any rotation especially if partnered with a tight defense on the infield, and we can offer that. He also cost almost an arm and a leg, so we wouldn’t be mad if he could improve on his career-high of 12 wins.
SP Raffaello Sabre, 26, B:L, T:R (12-9, 3.70 ERA | 31-32, 3.85 ERA) – incremental improvements made Sabre the most steady pitcher in the ’33 rotation, even though he only struck out 5.5 batters per nine innings. That number didn’t increase, but his ERA did in ’34. Still looks like the steady guy we expected him to become.
SP Ignacio del Rio, 25, B:R, T:R (12-10, 3.97 ERA | 35-34, 4.21 ERA) – more young talent in the rotation, pretty decent stuff, but unfortunately with a rotten character that had him pretty soon stamped as clubhouse cancer. The Raccoons are willing to wait for him to turn into a star before they sent him to reeducation camp. For now we’d be content with him shaving another run off his ERA.
SP Gilberto Rendon, 30, B:R, T:R (11-6, 4.13 ERA | 82-73, 3.94 ERA, 14 SV) – went from highly-paid Opening Day starter right to the new Rico Gutierrez, including a bump to the back end of the rotation. Acquired in a trade with the Crusaders last winter, the well-rounded right-hander was inconsistent and made only 29 starts thanks to being skipped as often as possible late in the year. Perplexingly led the CL in K/9 (8.2).

MR Dusty Kulp *, 32, B:S, T:R (5-7, 2.71 ERA, 34 SV | 44-45, 4.05 ERA, 70 SV) – signed as free agent from the dumb Elks, who used him as closer out of a lack of other talent. The Raccoons have other talent, but if Ed Blair becomes the stumbling closer this season, here’s another rock solid option.
MR Antonio Prieto, 24, B:R, T:R (1-4, 3.43 ERA | 3-5, 3.22 ERA) – did good things with the slider, but couldn’t produce any dazzling numbers in his first full season; solid despite rather high 3.8 BB/9.
MR John Hennessy, 27, B:L, T:L (1-4, 3.30 ERA, 1 SV | 11-8, 2.97 ERA, 2 SV) – part of the “really solid even though some numbers don’t tally up real well” corps. In his case it’s not walks, but shaky defense and seven homers served up that betrayed a much better year with 10.1 K/9.
MR David Fernandez, 28, B:L, T:L (7-5, 3.23 ERA, 3 SV | 15-11, 2.80 ERA, 3 SV) – the walk issues will probably never go away (4.4 BB/9 last year and for his career), but other than that he is a remarkably solid reliever despite also allowing nine homers. We are not quite sure how he does it, but our best scientists – Cristiano and Chad – are on the case.
SU Mauricio Garavito, 33, B:L, T:L (2-5, 3.75 ERA | 20-22, 2.96 ERA, 9 SV) – left-hander with balanced splits that was claimed off waivers by the Bayhawks early in the 2029 season when Jeremy Moesker turned out to be a turd. Has it really been this long??
SU Chris Wise, 28, B:R, T:R (6-10, 3.50 ERA, 18 SV | 19-18, 2.74 ERA, 117 SV) – the Tennesseeian groundballer Wise has become the first reliever to hold down the closer assignment for more than five minutes in recent memory and we generally don’t have too many complaints about what he does, although 8.8 K/9 is not exactly outrageous for a closer. Oh no wait, that was last year. In ’34 he became the first reliever in recent memory that survived losing double digits without taking a single start. Something new every year for Chrissyboy – what will it be this time? Growing a tailbone?
CL Ed Blair, 32, B:R, T:R (2-1, 2.29 ERA, 26 SV | 43-28, 3.09 ERA, 64 SV) – took over closing after Wise faltered and did largely well, except for that one meltdown against the Titans, or two, or six… strong sinker, evil slider, and great control to nail the corners!

C Kurt Wall, 30, B:R, T:R (.289, 4 HR, 40 RBI | .287, 23 HR, 163 RBI) – was surely an improvement over the turned-stale Elliott Thompson after a deadline deal with the Miners, but didn’t hit a lick after a flashy first week and all those homers were with Pittsburgh, too. He’s on a timer (or at least one of the catchers on paw) as we expect Tony Morales to conquer AAA this year and debut in the summer.
C Philip Scheffer, 34, B:S, T:R (.245, 5 HR, 28 RBI | .235, 27 HR, 171 RBI) – primarily a defensive catcher, who won the 2033 CL Gold Glove, hitting precious little. He hit even less with the Coons because he was stuck behind a rotation of wishes upon a primary catcher, none of which were any good at all.

1B Adam Avakian*, 28, B:L, T:L (.293, 25 HR, 107 RBI | .300, 47 HR, 215 RBI) – acquired in trade from the Knights, this slugger makes the minimum but will hopefully hit more than the minimum!
2B/SS Tim Stalker, 36, B:R, T:R (.271, 4 HR, 56 RBI | .262, 110 HR, 720 RBI) – the old man of the mountain resigned for another two years at a huge discount, which allows this on-off love relationship to enter its 14th season. Still a very good defensive middle infielder, more than just token speed, and most of the time also a good batter, at least until he hit a snag right after signing that big extension.
SS Alberto Ramos, 29, B:L, T:R (.291, 2 HR, 54 RBI | .313, 20 HR, 402 RBI) – Portland’s goodest boy hopes for another healthy season with less slumps. He missed only four games, the fourth time in five years that he largely held up and stayed on the field, but his bat dropped 24 points after he snuck into a batting title in ’33. He is signed through the 2038 season and if he keeps challenging an .800 OPS with above-average defense and 40+ stolen bases, that contract will always be a gainer for us.
SS/3B Bob Zeltser, 30, B:L, T:R (.302, 13 HR, 82 RBI | .305, 71 HR, 424 RBI) – high average, solid power, borderline Gold-Glove defense, dangerous hindpaws – almost the perfect first baseman. Too bad he’s in a contract year to give me a mild existential crisis.
2B Edgar Barrios *, 28, B:L, T:R (.294, 8 HR, 59 RBI | .284, 9 HR, 65 RBI) – left-handed alternative to Tim Stalker after being acquired in a deal with the dumb Elks. Probably won’t amount to 410 PA this year…
3B/2B/SS/RF Justin Marsingill, 28, B:R, T:R (.211, 0 HR, 2 RBI | .267, 5 HR, 66 RBI) – versatile infielder that somehow made another Opening Day roster after making the previous one and getting booted only a few weeks into the season.

LF/RF Jimmy Wallace, 28, B:L, T:L (.283, 13 HR, 89 RBI | .284, 54 HR, 321 RBI) – every year his presence in leftfield becomes a bit harder to defend, especially with his offense slipping slightly in ’34, as he failed to slug .400 for the first time in a full season. The Raccoons should come up with answers at some point...
CF/LF/RF Justin Fowler *, 32, B:R, T:R (.284, 20 HR, 53 RBI | .282, 214 HR, 782 RBI) – the BIG free agency acquisition, the 10-year Pacific is expected to put the offense in order. He has three rings, six All Star nods, and a homer crown. I expect nothing less from him.
RF/LF/CF Manny Fernandez, 25, B:L, T:L (.266, 7 HR, 73 RBI | .270, 13 HR, 109 RBI) – the #5 pick in the 2031 draft made his debut when Adrian Reichardt went to the DL early in the 2033 season and never went away again, amassing almost 400 plate appearances in his debut season and then playing close to a full slate last year. Figures to be the rightfield starter most of the time with the addition of Fowler; otherwise he would have been the starting centerfielder.
LF/CF/RF Nate Hall *, 32, B:S, T:R (.261, 1 HR, 17 RBI | .262, 48 HR, 414 RBI) – brought back as free agent after two years in the Federal League; Hall might end up being the token defensive replacement for Wallace more often that not, but can also balance the lineup due to being a switch-hitter.
RF/LF/3B/CF Hugo Salgado, 26, B:R, T:R (.316, 4 HR, 24 RBI | .274, 13 HR, 141 RBI) – hit for reverse splits, and had slim hopes for a starting spot, but that ended when we signed Fowler. Doesn’t figure to get too many at-bats.

On disabled list: Nobody.

Otherwise unavailable: Nobody.

Other roster movement:
SP Darren Brown, 25, B:R, T:R (3-1, 2.67 ERA | 3-5, 4.39 ERA) – waived and DFA’ed; the ERA looks good, nothing else does, he is an explosion waiting to happen whenever he’s vaguely near a baseball. Losing him would sting, but keeping him would make him lose.
MR Nick Bates, 29, B:R, T:R (5-1, 2.86 ERA | 11-1, 2.50 ERA) – waived and DFA’ed; looked off ever after returning from injury and gave up a lot of hits and homers after he came back from rehab in the second half. Since he also has no stamina, he got squeezed off the roster.
MR Carlos de la Cruz, 27, B:R, T:R (0-0, 2.19 ERA | 1-0, 2.61 ERA) – optioned to Alley Cats; ho-hum in only 20.2 total innings in the majors.
2B Rich Vickers, 25, B:R, T:R (.268, 3 HR, 17 RBI | .278, 5 HR, 37 RBI) – optioned to Alley Cats; had his flashy week when he debuted in July of ’33, but has not done anything much since. Lacks versatility, getting him beaten out by Marsingill for a bench spot.
RF Bobby Houston, 26, B:L, T:L (.353, 0 HR, 3 RBI | .353, 0 HR, 3 RBI) – waived and DFA’ed; bland left-handed rightfielder that made his debut at 26 and didn’t impress.

Everybody not mentioned by now has already been waived or reassigned during the offseason.

OPENING DAY LINEUP:

We still have more left-handed batters than we really need against left-handed pitching. Salgado is no help since he has reverse splits.

Vs. RHP: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – 2B Stalker – RF M. Fernandez – C Wall – P
Vs. LHP: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF M. Fernandez – 3B Marsingill – P

OFF SEASON CHANGES:

Last time ‘round the Coons lost 4.4 WAR according to BNN, but turned it into six games in the standings. That was still not enough, but at least we got more confirmation that WAR is a useless stat. This time we came 8th in the BNN offseason WAR table with a gain of +2.5 WAR. We lost 5 WAR in free agency and gained only 1 WAR (Kulp), but the Avakian and Barrios trades were really valuable in that regard. We will talk about this again further down…

Top 5: Pacifics (+11.8), Canadiens (+6.7), Capitals (+4.5), Falcons (+4.4), Gold Sox and Stars (tied at +4.1)
Bottom 5: Scorpions (-5.3), Knights (-5.4), Wolves (-7.5), Rebels (-8.2), Buffaloes (-9.4)

PREDICTION TIME:

I tabbed the Coons to win 90 and to make it close for the division. They won 92 and they would have won the division with less arthritic play against the Titans in particular. Offense was the main culprit in that regard, and Avakian and Fowler absolutely must help with that, right? Right?

I will say it. The Coons will win the division this year. The Titans are the only serious threat in the division. The Indians are… no, it’s us and the Titans, as usual. And this time we will beat them. Better offense, more wins, and the playoffs. It’s our time!

PLAYER DEVELOPMENT:

Of course we burned down the farm this winter. We held on to former #5 pick Jesus Maldonado. Mostly everybody else is gone. #21 Brandon Williams, #30 Mike Lang, #47 Jonathan Dykstra, #58 Jonathan Galvan were all traded away for improvements, plus #125 Dave Mendoza and #182 Vincent Zesati, and our system sagged from 3rd to 11th in the league for it. There was at least one significant riser, but of our 12 ranked prospects (last year: 14) only two are in the top 100 (last year: 5).

6th (-1) – AA OF/3B/1B Jesus Maldonado, 21 – 2032 international free agent signed by Raccoons
28th (new) – A SP Lazaro Cavazos, 20 – 2034 first-round pick by Raccoons
105th (new) – AA INF Jon Caskey, 21 – 2034 first-round pick by Raccoons
116th (+53) – AA OF/2B Cory Cronk, 21 – 2032 third-round pick by Raccoons
144th (new) – AA CL Travis Sims, 22 – 2031 tenth-round pick by Raccoons

148th (new) – AAA CL Brad Forsch, 22 – 2031 supplemental round pick by Buffaloes, signed as free agent
159th (-38) – AAA INF Vince Lutch, 24 – 2029 second-round pick by Wolves, claimed off waivers from Loggers
160th (new) – A OF Sebastian Waddingham, 19 – 2031 scouting discovery by Raccoons
181st (-20) – AA SS/2B Jose Agosto, 21 – 2030 international free agent signed by Raccoons
184th (new) – INT SP Angelo Montano, 17 – 2034 international free agent signed by Raccoons

186th (new) – INT LF/RF Jose Lopez, 17 – 2034 international free agent signed by Raccoons
193rd (new) – AAA MR Lazaro Salazar, 23 – 2030 fifth-round pick by Raccoons

Four other ranked prospects from last season are no longer ranked: #148 Roger Arrendell, #152 Tom Miller, #181 Will Luna, and #183 Willie Gallardo.

The top 5 overall prospects this year are:

#1 PIT AAA INF Sergio Barcia (was #2; also was #1 in 2033)
#2 MIL A 3B/2B/RF Jared Paul (newly drafted)
#3 LVA ML OF Mike Hall (newly drafted)
#4 CHA A SS/2B Tony Aparicio (was #1)
#5 IND AA SP Ricky Sanchez (was #4)

Last year’s #3, Chris Crowell, exceeded rookie limits with the Loggers, while #5 was of course Maldonado, who slid to 6th.

The Rebels have three players in the top 10 in 7th, 9th, and 10th, which is also not a terrible place to have your youth division in.

Next: first pitch.

[Westheim]

Raccoons (0-0) @ Canadiens (0-0) – April 3-4, 2035

Not the best way to start a season, right up in stinkin’ Elkland. They had lost 102 games last year, and while that was right where I liked to see them, I still didn’t like to see the team up there while I had to nurse my anxiety at home. At least it was only a season-opening 2-game set… The Raccoons had gone 12-6 against them for two straight years.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (0-0) vs. Josh Weeks (0-0)
Colt Willes (0-0) vs. Joe West (0-0)

Left, right, and outta there.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF M. Fernandez – 3B Marsingill – P Chavez
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – 2B Morrow – CF Pohl – SS B. Gonzales – P Weeks

Alberto Ramos would get the first Coons hit of the season… in the third inning, legging out a 2-out infield single. He was left on base, with the game still scoreless. The Elks had gotten Eric Morrow and Pat Pohl into scoring position in the bottom 2nd on two base hits, but had also lost Pohl to a sore hammy on the play, replacing him with Micah Massey. The stupid Elks had three base hits off Chavez in the bottom of the third, with Jesse LeJeune hitting a soft 2-out single, stealing second, and coming home on Josh Stephenson’s single. Tomas Caraballo doubled past Manny Fernandez for another run, and the Coons were in a 2-0 hole to begin the year. Morrow flew out to Fowler to end the third. Portland followed on the board swiftly and in style – Adam Avakian jerked a leadoff jack off Weeks in the top 4th! Justin Fowler, the other huge offseason acquisition struck out before Wallace and Wall both reached and were stranded, but the fifth began with Chavez singling up the middle, and Berto coaxing a walk. Tim Stalker fanned, Avakian popped out, but now Fowler came through with a game-tying RBI single to right, and Jimmy Wallace slipped an RBI single up the middle to put the Critters ahead. Josh Weeks got carved up some more when Stephenson failed to reach Kurt Wall’s gapper that became a 2-out, 2-run double and extended the lead to 5-2! …and then 5-2 became 5-4 on Stephenson’s long homer in the bottom 5th, collecting Michael Duryea, too.

Tim Stalker would single home Marsingill in the top 6th, but that run would fall out of John Hennessy in the bottom 7th. Hennessy retired none of the three batters he faced; replacing Bernie Chavez with two outs in the bottom 6th he walked PH Nick Carpenter, who as caught stealing, and then walked D.J. Robinson and served up a double to Duryea in the seventh. Chris Wise staved off the worst upon replacing him, allowing a sac fly that cut the gap to 6-5 and getting a grounder and a K. The eighth inning was uneventful, but my jaws had yet to unclench, and the ninth inning would definitely not help with that. Bryce Sudar would face the Raccoons and served up a leadoff double off the wall to Justin Fowler… and Fowler pulled up lame at second base and had to be replaced. Nate Hall jogged in as pinch-runner while Fowler limped off with the trainer, and all of it unspooled in slow motion in front of my eyes aghast. The intentional walk to Wallace and Wall’s RBI double to left-center didn’t even register with me. Neither did the intentional walk to Fernandez, loading the sacks, the bases-loaded walk drawn by Bob Zeltser, and Edgar Barrios’ sac fly, all of which gave Portland a slam-sized lead. I still saw $14M worth of Justin Fowler limp off. I also didn’t see David Fernandez get chucked up for three hits and a run in the bottom 9th before Caraballo hit into a game-ending double play. I was still seeing Fowler limp off, and $14M in medical bills with him. 9-6 Coons. Ramos 2-4, 2 BB, 2B; Avakian 2-5, HR, RBI; Fowler 2-5, 2B, RBI; Wall 3-5, 2 2B, 3 RBI; Zeltser (PH) 0-0, BB, RBI;

I didn’t unfreeze until a rerun of Hunchback Judge in the middle of the night. I wept a little, then crawled into bed with Honeypaws.

The following day, Dr. Chung called from Elk City, complaining that his boss hadn’t given him any MEN to care for, just whiny little GIRLS, then hung up.

Fowler wasn’t in the lineup on Wednesday afternoon, so I assumed he had already been sent to some gulag in the mountains.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P Willes
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – 2B Morrow – CF Massey – SS B. Gonzales – P J. West

The first five Critters in the game all reached, even though not all did so under their own power. Berto walked to begin the game, Zeltser singled, and Wallace cranked a 3-piece to right-center. Avakian reached on an error, Salgado singled, and then the inning quickly fizzled out. Then came Willes’ Coons debut, an infield single for Robinson and a 2-run homer by Duryea. Oh dear. Willes would bleed another pair of hits in both of the next two innings, but those were all singles and paid them Elks no runs. Portland added an unearned run in the third inning, when Avakian reached on an error yet again. Tim Stalker would end up plating him to make it 4-2.

While Willes was shaky just like Bernie had been, which filled me with foreboding, the Raccoons got more chances to score. They loaded the bags in the fifth, with Willes’ bases-filling 2-out single bringing up Berto, who flew out to Massey to strand three. Three more were on in the sixth with Zeltser, Avakian, and Salgado all reaching. Manny Fernandez hit into a double play to kill that attempt…

Like Bernie, Willes lasted only 5.2 innings and was yanked after two singles had made it a 4-3 game with Bobby Gonzales at first base and Nick Carpenter again pinch-hitting in the #9 hole. Garavito came on, nailed Carpenter, then rung up Robinson, which at least ended the inning. The Critters’ offense seemed to have gone home at this point, while the pen kept scrambling. Dusty Kulp did the seventh well enough, but Hennessy walked Stephenson to begin the eighth, again the only guy he faced, and the only out he had logged had been a CS for Kurt Wall. Antonio Prieto got around the bottom of the order without accident to protect the 4-3 lead for Ed Blair, should it come to that in the ninth. It did come to that – but in a 6-3 game. Fernando Nora bled four straight 2-out base hits in the Critters’ half of the ninth, starting with a Manny Fernandez double to right and progressing through singles by Stalker, Wall, and Hall before Massey caught a Ramos fly in shallow center to strand a pair. Blair allowed a single to Robinson but also struck out two in a 20-inning, scoreless affair, and the Coons left Elk City unbeaten. 6-3 Raccoons. Salgado 2-4, BB; M. Fernandez 2-5, 2B; Stalker 2-5, 2 RBI; Hall (PH) 1-1, RBI;

Justin Fowler, to my great relief, did not come back in a box, but was walking unaided when the team arrived on Wednesday night. He did however have a groin strain that would hobble him at least for the weekend set with Atlanta. He was expected to be back at full strength early next week, but we thought he would be available to pinch-hit if needed.

The three unused starters aside, only Philip Scheffer had yet to get into a game; all relievers had been used (and some twice) in the two games in Elk City.

Raccoons (2-0) vs. Knights (0-3) – April 6-8, 2035

The Knights had been swept to begin the year, bleeding 22 runs in three games, but then again they had faced the Condors, and the Condors were potent. At least they didn’t have to worry about injuries… We had won five of nine from them last season.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (0-0) vs. Drew Johnson (0-0)
Ignacio del Rio (0-0) vs. Chris Cooper (0-0)
Gilberto Rendon (0-0) vs. Chris Inderrieden (0-0, 3.86 ERA)

Cooper would be another southpaw to contend with. The others were right-handed.

At the start of play on Friday, we were the only unbeaten team in the CL North.

Game 1
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Greene – P D. Johnson
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P Sabre

Travis Zitzner, the devil, hit an RBI single to score Roy Pincus and his 2-out double right in the first inning, which justifiably evoked boos from the crowd during this home opener. A Ramos Special got the Coons even in the bottom 1st; Berto singled, stole second, and came around on Zeltser’s single to center. Juan Muro’s weak throw home allowed Zeltser into second base, and he would score from there on Avakian’s single to put the Raccoons up 2-1. Neither team managed more than three hits through four innings before Sabre came apart in the fifth. Chris Maneke led off with a double to right, and while Drews Greene and Johnson amounted to nothing, starting with the ball the Juan Muro dropped in front of meandering Jimmy Wallace the Knights rapped off four straight 2-out singles to batter Sabre for three runs and a 4-2 deficit before Keith Thompson grounded out to the right side.

Drew Johnson’s 2-out single in the sixth moved Maneke (infield single) to second base and knocked out Sabre, who had thus gotten just as far and had been just as **** as the first two guys to take the baseball. Garavito replaced him and got his furry skull parted with an axe just the same. He walked Muro in a full count, then allowed sharp base hits to Luis Inoa and Roy Pincus to concede another three runs to bury the Raccoons five deep. A ****ty home opener would cruelly offer a last glimpse of hope when the Raccoons unfurled their own 3-run frame in the bottom 6th, piling on Thompson with four base hits, including 2-out extra-base RBI knocks by both Stalker and Wall, but when Fowler hit for the ghastly Garavito, he grounded out to end the inning.

While David Fernandez walked two and whiffed five in two scoreless innings, the bottom 8th saw Atlanta’s Brad Santry walk Avakian and allow a double to Hugo Salgado to get the inning underway. Those were the tying runs in scoring position with nobody out! Southpaw Tony Cash replaced Santry, walked Manny Fernandez, then was yanked for right-hander Terry Garrigan. The Coons batted Barrios for Stalker, which netted them a K, Wall hit a sac fly, and Nate Hall pinch-hit and flew out to Luis Inoa. Way to squander the comeback, boys… Way to squander. The tying run reached base with Berto’s leadoff single off Marcus Goode, a righty up against a lot of left-handed bats in the bottom 9th. Zeltser dropped a 2-1 pitch near the rightfield line. Pincus managed to cut the ball off, but the Coons still reached scoring position on the double; tying run at third, winning run at second for the middle of the order! Jimmy Wallace whacked a pitch … right into Goode’s glove. Avakian lined the baseball … right at Thomson. Hugo Salgado … grounded out to Thomson to end the game. 7-6 Knights. Ramos 2-4, BB; Zeltser 2-5, 2B, RBI; Stalker 1-2, BB, 3B, RBI; D. Fernandez 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 4 K;

It’s three games and it feels like thirty. The pitching is absolutely catastrophic. At least the lack of clutch hitting is the same as ever… We do like consistency.

Game 2
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P C. Cooper
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – C Wall – CF M. Fernandez – 3B Marsingill – P del Rio

There was absolutely no offense to write home about all the way into the middle innings, which at least meant that del Rio perhaps had a chance to see his way through the sixth inning… oh well, the baseball gods put the fifth before the sixth, nastily enough, and del Rio got flogged in that. Leadoff walk to Maneke, a Sergio Ibarra single, dark clouds circling over my head, and after a bunt by Cooper, Juan Muro singled home a pair with a liner to center. Fernandez stupidly threw home, allowing Muro into second base, but not that it mattered, considering Luis Inoa’s mile-long home run blast to rightfield that put the Knights up 4-0 at once. When the Raccoons somehow loaded the bases in the bottom 5th on an infield single and two walks, the Critters had to hit for del Rio with three on and one gone. Fowler grabbed the bat again, struck out, and Ramos flew out to Muro.

Hennessy finally retired a ****ing batter in the sixth (but also nailed Paul Kuehn…), pitching the entire inning without making everything worse. That was a temporary thing though with the bullpen not accelerating the rate of scoring for the opposition. Come the eighth, we had Prieto on the mound, and he walked right-handed batters Pincus and Zitzner to begin the inning, then gave up a 3-run homer to Maneke before long. Not that it made a difference in the game. The Raccoons had not scored until then and they wouldn’t get remotely close to scoring from here on out. Chris Cooper pitched a 5-hit shutout to keep them winless at home. 7-0 Knights. Wallace 3-4; Hennessy 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

We are also allowing runs at a sixth-place team’s pace.

Game 3
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P Inderrieden
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – CF Hall – 2B Barrios – C Scheffer – P Rendon

I had my snacks carefully prepared for this game: a bottle of Capt’n Coma, three containers of pills of unknown provenance, a half-empty bottle of bleech, and finally a bowl with random glass shards – I was ready for everything the brown-clad team would fling at me now. Maybe with the exception of Rendon hitting Muro only two pitches in… but the next three Knights made outs, so the game could still go either way. The Coons scored first instead, getting a run in the bottom 1st on a Ramos single, Wallace’s double to right, and Adam Avakian’s sac fly. Rendon took very good care of the 1-0 lead spotted to him, nailing Ibarra to begin the third inning, and that runner too was left stranded on a bunt and two groundouts. Rendon also drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 3rd (…!), but even with Zeltser coaxing another walk from Inderrieden the Raccoons couldn’t score. Berto flew out to right, Wallace hit into a fielder’s choice, and Avakian grounded out to Maneke.

Rendon stayed 1-0 ahead right up to that magical 5.2 innings mark that had already broken three starters this opening week. Roy Pincus homered on a 1-2 pitch with two outs in the sixth, and that tied the game at one. Whiffing Zitzner after that made Rendon the best starting pitcher on the roster by default. Or so we thought. Maneke doubled with two outs in the seventh, Matt Dear’s pinch-hit single put the Knights in front, and then Rendon walked Inderrieden. Funny how these things sometimes go. (pours Capt’n Coma over the glass shards in the bowl) No, Honeypaws, this ain’t for you, this is only for daddy… Mauricio Garavito replaced Rendon to face Muro, who was hit for by right-handed scrub Eric Martins, who hit Garavito’s first pitch over the fence in centerfield, and that was pretty much ballgame. The Raccoons remained mostly hit- and largely clueless and didn’t reach the previous day’s paltry output of hits only when they were down to their final out in the ninth inning. Brad Santry had nailed Barrios with one out; Scheffer flew out, and Tim Stalker singled in place of the pitcher to get them to a lofty five base hits. That brought on Goode as their closer, and Ramos grounded out on a 3-1 pitch to cap off an absolutely dismal first week. 5-1 Knights. Stalker (PH) 1-1;

In other news

April 4 – After 10 scoreless innings, the Capitals beat the Miners, 3-1, with all runs coming in the 11th inning. Veteran Alex Torres (.500, 1 HR, 3 RBI) comes up with a pinch-hit, 3-run homer off PIT MR Jorge Farinas (0-1, 16.20 ERA) for the winning runs in the top of the 11th.
April 4 – PIT OF Ozzie Burgos (.364, 0 HR, 1 RBI) will miss most or all of April with a broken rib.
April 5 – 39 hits, five lead changes, and lots of crying pitchers are the final tally in the Thunder’s 16-15 regulation win over the Bayhawks. OCT Luis Sagredo (.538, 2 HR, 9 RBI) has six RBI, and his team mate Andy Schmit (.400, 2 HR, 7 RBI) and San Fran’s Kenny Elder (.348, 1 HR, 5 RBI) both have five. The game ends on a walkoff triple by OCT INF/RF Ben Riffer (.278, 0 HR, 1 RBI).
April 6 – VAN 2B/OF Eric Morrow (.273, 0 HR, 6 RBI) drives in six runs on two base hits (including a bases-clearing triple) in the Canadiens’ 15-0 bleaching of the Aces.
April 7 – The Miners also lose 1B Danny Santillano (.250, 2 HR, 5 RBI) for at least a week with a mild groin strain.

Complaints and stuff

Dismal. Everything. Horrendous. Atrocious. I’ve seen slasher movies in my youth that were less of a farce.

With no pitching and meager offense, I wonder what happens once we play an actual team with real ambitions…

(stirs the booze-bleach-shards concoction in the bowl)

Fun Fact: The Raccoons are largely on pace to have the worst pitching staff in the league!

I didn’t need any stats for that (though stats support the claim) because the eyeball test spoke for itself. Speaking of eyeballs, I was going to drink myself blind…

[Westheim]

Raccoons (2-3) vs. Bayhawks (3-4) – April 9-11, 2035

The good news (?) was that even after the weekend massacre, a new day dawned over Portland. The bad news were in no particular order that the Bayhawks were in town right away, we had lost six of nine against them last year, and that wasn’t the only arrival. The team that had conceded the second-most runs and almost six per game was joined in Portland by the Raccoons’ owner Nick Valdes, who somehow hadn’t gotten the news on the weekend and thought the Critters were still undefeated. Talk about rude awakenings.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (1-0, 6.35 ERA) vs. Jose Lerma (1-0, 5.14 ERA)
Colt Willes (1-0, 4.76 ERA) vs. Ben Lipsky (0-0, 18.00 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (0-1, 9.53 ERA) vs. Jesus Rodarte (0-0, 3.38 ERA)

Southpaws would bookmark the array of Bayhawk hurlers in this series.

Justin Fowler was again not in the lineup on Monday, but we were eyeing a Tuesday return now.

Game 1
SFB: 2B K. Elder – SS J. Cruz – 3B D. Myers – 1B Dupuis – LF Hawthorne – CF A. Castillo – RF Pridgeon – C Resendez – P Lerma
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – 3B Zeltser – CF M. Fernandez – C Wall – P Chavez

Straight base hits by the 4-5-6 batters gave the Coons a run and Critters on the corners to begin the bottom 2nd. Manny Fernandez chipped in a sac fly to make it 2-0 and get his first RBI of the year, while Wall flew out and Bernie fanned to end the inning. Himself, Bernie struck out five against one base hit the first time through, but the general sucking of the rotation was not going to stop any time soon; come the fourth inning, the Bayhawks landed singles via John Dupuis and George Hawthorne, and Alex Castillo crashed a fastball for a 2-out, 3-run homer. When Valdes asked whether that happened often, I just kept drinking.

Not all was lost yet; Jimmy Wallace caught a Jose Cruz drive with two Bayhawks on base in the fifth that initially had looked like certain doom, so apparently his legs were working after all… and in the bottom 5th Berto led off with a single to right before Stalker banged a ball off the fence for a game-tying RBI double. Avakian, batting .174 after a good showing in Vancouver, was walked intentionally, and the bags were full after Hugo Salgado snuck a grounder through between Kenny Elder and Cruz, and with nobody out. Valdes clapped his hands with passion, but I feared nothing but more desolation from the 5-6-7 batters. Lerma ran a 1-1 count against Jimmy Wallace before hanging a breaking ball right in the sweet spot. Jimmy’s whiskers twitched sharply upwards and he unloaded a ball to right-center for 423 feet – GRAAAAAAAAND SLAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!

The slam ended Lerma’s day at once, but the Coons still had to pitch to get that 7-3 lead to the finish line, and it would have to be done without Bernie Chavez, who was yanked after conceding three singles to four batters in the sixth inning. Dupuis, Hawthorne, and Jaden Pridgeon were on base for Jorge Resendez with one out, facing Dusty Kulp, who registered the K before also seeing pinch-hitter Luigi Banfi, who flew out to center on the first pitch. (exhales!) Bottom 6th, right-hander Rick Haugh got burned for several runs; PH Edgar Barrios opened with a single, his first Coons hit, Berto doubled, and Tim Stalker tripled both of them home. At this point, an Avakian homer would have completed a natural cycle for the team, but we had to be content with a sac fly to left, which nevertheless increased the lead to 10-3. Barrios stayed in the game afterwards, with Berto being spared the last few innings – it was going to be a long week. Justin Fowler hit an RBI single as pinch-hitter the following inning, in which the Coons put two runs on Tony Rivas. Tim Stalker drove in the other run with Barrios and Marsingill (running for Fowler) on the corners. Barrios scored on the double, while Marsingill was thrown out at the plate. Rivas was made to endure by the Bayhawks, ended up walking two in the bottom 8th, and had them tripled in by Manny Fernandez with two outs. Nick Valdes was enthusiastic, I was laying off knotting a good piece of rope for another day, and the Raccoons won by 11 in the end. 14-3 Furballs! Ramos 2-4, 2B; Fowler (PH) 1-1, RBI; Stalker 4-5, 3B, 2 2B, 4 RBI; Salgado 3-5, 2B; Wallace 2-4, HR, 4 RBI; Barrios (PH) 2-3, 2B; Prieto 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

Bernie struck out nine in 5.1 innings and he’s now 2-0 with a 5.73 ERA. The thing that gives me some solace early on is that at least the opposition seems to mostly score in bunches, e.g. bad luck could be a big factor here. Not all is lost.

Yet.

Game 2
SFB: 2B K. Elder – SS J. Cruz – 3B D. Myers – 1B Dupuis – LF Hawthorne – CF A. Castillo – RF Levis – C Resendez – P Lipsky
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – RF M. Fernandez – 2B Barrios – C Scheffer – P Willes

Alex Castillo homered to lead off the second after a first inning in which Willes walked a pair. Willes would run a whole bunch of 3-ball counts, but even then offense was remarkably low for the Bayhawks, who managed only one more hit, one more walk, and no more runs through five. The Raccoons managed a Barrios single… and that was about it. Scheffer doubled him up in that bottom of the third, and grounded out in the sixth after Barrios hit another leadoff single. Willes grounded out, and Ramos lined to left, but Hawthorne got his stupid glove on the ball, ending the inning. Willes came back for the seventh, throwing four balls to leadoff man Castillo, and after Doug Levis’ groundout also walked Jorge Resendez. Lipsky’s bunt advanced the runners and ended Willes’ day after 105 mostly messy pitches with five walks. Luigi Banfi pinch-hit for Elder before we brought Wise on at all, and flew out on the first pitch, stranding those two runners. The Coons also left two on, Fowler and Wallace on the corners, when Manny Fernandez popped out foul in the bottom 7th. Valdes was not amused, pointing out that the other team had more “R”s than the Raccoons, and how could that be, when there was no R in Bayhawks, but a huge R in Raccoons!?

Then came the ninth inning. Ed Blair needed some work, having pitched once in the first six games, and was tasked with holding the Bayhawks at 1-0. He started by walking Castillo, then balking the runner to second base. Doug Levis singled in front of Fernandez, Castillo was sent for home, and thrown out by Manny. Levis moved up to second, then reached third on Resendez’ single. Justin Uliasz pinch-hit for Lipsky, lined hard to the right side, but Avakian caught the ball and tagged a surprised Resendez for a 3-U double play to end the inning. Ed Blair looked around cautiously as he left the mound, but he had indeed just survived that royal mess without a scath… Bottom 9th, right-hander Jimmy Lohrey and his 18.00 ERA against the top of the order. Berto grounded out. Zeltser flew out to right. Avakian flew out to left. 1-0 Bayhawks. Barrios 2-3;

No, Nick, we didn’t win. – Yes, Nick, they had more “R”s than us right til the end. – No, I don’t know why it works this way. – Because then the Warriors would win every game?

Game 3
SFB: 2B K. Elder – SS J. Cruz – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – LF Hawthorne – CF A. Castillo – 1B Levis – C Resendez – P Rodarte
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Salgado – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 1B Marsingill – P Sabre

Kurt Wall throwing out Jose Cruz trying to nip second base bailed out Sabre from having runners on the corners in the third inning, just when he looked like he was melting in a scoreless game. The Portland offense kept being absent, and Rodarte retired them in order the first time through. Berto would be our first runner, walking and stealing second base in the bottom 4th. While Rodarte also nailed Salgado, the rest of the team couldn’t figure out what to do with the bats, and between grinding my teeth and trying to resist the urge to not outright strangle a nagging Nick Valdes, I had a hard, no-fun time at the game. While Sabre occasionally wobbled but didn’t fall through six, Rodarte didn’t allow a single base knock. He walked Stalker and Salgado with two down in the bottom 6th, but Fowler flew out to Ben Suhay. – No, Nick, we don’t have a hit yet. – Do YOU see an H in “Raccoons”??

Salgado held Sabre’s game in one piece in the seventh, retiring Resendez on his liner with two outs and Suhay and Levis on the corners. Jimmy Wallace then banished the specter of a no-hitter with a leadoff single that dropped just in front of Suhay in the bottom of the inning. Kurt Wall cranked the very next pitch over the fence in left, breaking the ice, and after that Zeltser and Marsingill also reached base. Then Sabre bunted badly for a force on Zeltser, and Berto hit into a perfect 6-4-3 double play… The Bayhawks batted for Rodarte to begin the eighth, which we had expected, but at least they sent Banfi, the righty bat again. Sabre, on 94 pitches, stayed in to face him, but leaked a walk. Garavito came on with two switch-hitters up next, fanned Elder, but walked Jose Cruz. Prieto took over, whiffed Dave Myers, and that brought up all-or-nothing Ben Suhay, who fell to 1-2… and got nothing, *swinging* like there was a bonus on bat speed, ad missed the low pitch by a mile. Ed Blair got a meaningful ninth this time, allowed a leadoff single to Hawthorne, threw a wild pitch, walked Resendez with two outs, and somehow fanned Uliasz with the tying runs aboard to squeak out a win in the rubber game… 2-0 Critters. Sabre 7.0 IP, 6 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 3 K, W (1-1);

That was a bit too close for comfort…

Speaking of too close for comfort, so was Nick Valdes. We were productive overnight. Maud found an almost untouched coastal hiking trail off US-101 and Cristiano Carmona forged an oil drilling permit for that area form the Department of Power. We then casually left that permit next to Valdes’ breakfast on Thursday, calculating correctly that Valdes couldn’t resist starting to drill immediately, which would get him out of town and into enough trouble with the state police to leave us alone through the weekend.

We saved our backup plan for another time, which consisted of Chad drawing a treasure map of a pirate-infested islet in the Caribbean.

Now we just had to get rid of the Titans…

Raccoons (4-4) vs. Titans (4-5) – April 12-15, 2035

Neither team had gotten the start to the season they expected, and we were both well off the division-leading … Loggers? The Titans were tied for eighth (with us) in runs scored and fifth in runs allowed (Coons: 2nd), with a pathetic .220 batting average, but an almost untouched bullpen with a 1.71 ERA. We had won only five games against them in ’34 and that had cost us an October ticket. Beating them had to start now.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (0-1, 7.20 ERA) vs. Rich Willett (0-1, 3.68 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (0-1, 5.40 ERA) vs. Adam Potter (1-0, 0.00 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-0, 5.73 ERA) vs. Tony Chavez (0-1, 14.14 ERA)
Colt Willes (1-1, 2.92 ERA) vs. Jeff Dykstra (1-0, 2.25 ERA)

Only one southpaw (Chavez) of their two (Tim Wells was 0-1 with a 4.50 ERA) to contend with here. Ace candidate Mario Gonzalez was still on the DL with elbow ligament surgery from last year. SS Keith Spataro was day-to-day with a rib cage muscle that bothered him.

Game 1
BOS: 3B Gil – 1B J. Elder – RF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – C J. Young – 2B R. West – CF M. Walker – P Willett
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – RF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P del Rio

A Fowler double and two productive outs, including Manny Fernandez’ sac fly, created a run in the second inning that was pretty much the only offense early on. The Critters, in fact, didn’t log another base hit until Manny homered in solo fashion in the fifth. Del Rio whiffed five through six innings and allowed only three hits. He walked nobody… or at least until he walked Spataro to begin the seventh inning. Jim Young was retired on a sparkling catch by Fowler – I screamed like a girl while our $14M man was in mid-flight – and Rhett West hit into a double play to get out of the inning. Justin Fowler homered with one out in the bottom of the inning; like Fernandez’ shot it was a solo edition, but extended the lead to 3-0. Del Rio started the eighth inning, got Mark Walker out, but then allowed a single to Willett (!), and was yanked. Hennessy replaced him for Antonio Gil, who singled, and when Dusty Kulp took over the spot on the mound he got Jay Elder on a fly to right, but allowed a single to Moises Avila. Willett scored, but Gil was thrown out by Fowler trying to reach third base, ending the inning. The score remained 3-1 after the Coons’ half of the eighth, and with Blair coming off two straight days of pitching, none of them great, we weren’t too keen on having him face the Titans right here. With two lefty bats due up, David Fernandez got the ball, fell to 3-1 on Willie Vega, who lined to left-center, and Justin Fowler made another potentially neck-breaking catch. Fernandez was far from sharp, but somehow got through the Titans before he could get through the lead, and a win was a win was a win … 3-1 Coons. Fowler 2-3, 2B, RBI; M. Fernandez 1-2, HR, 2 RBI; Salgado (PH) 1-1; del Rio 7.1 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 5 K, W (1-1);

Neither Avakian nor Zeltser were hitting much of anything right now. Both remained in the lineup for Friday, but would likely sit on Saturday against the lefty… Yeah, that’s how we’ll cure the offense. More Justin Marsingill…

Game 2
BOS: 3B Gil – 1B J. Elder – RF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – C J. Young – 2B R. West – CF M. Walker – P Potter
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon

With a grim weather forecast, Rendon allowed a single to Elder, walked Avila, and then somehow bailed out with Vega’s 4-6-3 grounder in the first inning. Jimmy Wallace hit a solo jack in the bottom of the inning, his third of the year. To start the bottom 2nd, Adam Avakian livened up a .133 batting average with a single, Fernandez doubled to left, and the bottom of the order saw a pair in scoring position. Zeltser whiffed, Scheffer barely managed a run-scoring groundout, and Rendon fanned, AND it started to rain. It was only a drizzle for the moment, but we sure hoped that Rendon could hold on to the lead…

And he did for a while. The Coons didn’t do much more with the bats early on, but Rendon lined up four scoreless before running out of luck in the fifth inning. Spataro drew another leadoff walk, then reached third base on Jim Young’s single. The Critters went on to concede that lead run during the following groundouts, but kept Young stranded at second base to maintain a 2-1 edge in mostly moist conditions. Berto singled and stole a base in the bottom 5th, but was left on by Stalker and Wallace. In turn, Rendon issued another leadoff walk in the sixth, now to Antonio Gil, and Elder singled. He rung up Avila, but gave up a single to leftfield to Vega, the bases were loaded, and Rendon was yanked. Chris Wise struck out Spataro, then had Young at 0-2 before allowing a screaming liner to rightfield… but Fernandez got there in time to make the catch, stranding three Titans as the inning came to a close.

Wise retired West to begin the seventh before yielding for Hennessy, who struck out all three batters he faced in enigmatic fashion. Prieto got two outs against a walk to conclude the eighth, but the lame Coons offense couldn’t do anything to add to their skinny 2-1 lead, which ended up with Ed Blair facing the 5-6-7 batters in the ninth. He promptly walked Keith Spataro. Young then hit a comebacker that Blair pounced on and turned into a force at second base, which was good, since it replaced the tying run with a snail-paced “runner”. Blair went on to walk West and give up a single to Walker. The bases were loaded, David Lessman was pinch-hitting, and the Raccoons were largely out of ideas. Agony broke out – but the Raccoons were also running low on ammunition in their pen. Garavito was pretty much the only pitcher left over, and while he was a good match for David Lessman, there was no guarantee he would strike him out. Blair still seemed like the best bet for a strikeout. Blair remained in the game, faced Lessman, and the Titans’ catcher poked the first pitch into play. RIGHT AT STALKER. To Berto! To first! DOUBLE PLAY!!! 2-1 Critters!!

First time we won back-to-back games from Boston since 2033… also the fourth game in a row where neither team managed to score even four runs.

Game 3
BOS: 3B Gil – 1B J. Elder – RF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – C J. Young – 2B R. West – CF M. Walker – P T. Chavez
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Salgado – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF Hall – 3B Marsingill – P B. Chavez

The game started with three straight Titans reaching base. Gil did so on a Salgado error, but was then caught stealing. Elder singled, Avila walked, but Bernie then got his **** together and struck out the next two to get out of the inning. Bernie would need almost 60 pitches through three innings, however, walking three and whiffing six, so an already well-worked Raccoons bullpen was looking at another four innings or so of work this Saturday. The offense continued to do NOTHING for Portland, and Jim Young popped a homer off Bernie in the fourth for the first marker on the scoreboard. It didn’t necessarily get any better from here, as our Chavez walked both West and Gil, then got a 2-out pop from Jay Elder that Salgado dropped as he chased it around first base. Bags full, Moises Avila coaxed a walk in a full count, forcing home a run, before Vega grounded out to Ramos to end the inning. That was on Chavez’ 91st pitch of the game, and he was as good as done in a 2-0 deficit.

A seventh walk to Young ended Bernie Chavez’ game with one out in the fifth. Garavito came on in a desperate bid for length, allowed a single to West, but then got out of the inning on two groundouts, the first of which was a comebacker that Garavito intended for a 1-6-3 double play, but Rhett West slid into Berto, who fell onto him, but didn’t break any legs. West however hobbled off with a bum knee that would render him out for a while, one inning after Jay Elder had sprained his wrist and had come out. With Terry Kopp on first base, Ivan Vega had to man second base, a job he was not qualified for. The Titans had run out of infielders; they nominally carried six, but one of them was old and broken David Lessman, who’s body allowed him neither to catch much nor stretch any, hence Kopp at first base.

Portland made up a run in the bottom 5th on a Wall single and Marsingill triple, but then Avakian fanned, having entered the #9 hole when Garavito came into the game, and Berto’s grounder was intercepted by Spataro. No, Berto – you have to hit it at the outfielders on the right - … hmpf. The Titans got the run back in the seventh against Dusty Kulp, who issued a leadoff walk (…) to Spataro (…!!), conceded a single to Young, Spataro went to third, then scored on Vega’s double play grounder. Down 3-1, the Coons did nothing in the bottom of the inning, and Avakian fanned to begin the eighth. Tony Chavez, who was pitching silently but efficiently, then walked Ramos, the first free pass issued by the Titans’ version of Chavez in this game. Stalker singled, and now it looked like an actual chance! Chavez ran out of control against Salgado, walking him to fill the bags. Fowler came up with three aboard, but flew out softly on the first pitch. The runners had to hold, and the Coons had to hit for David Fernandez in Wallace’s vacated spot. Manny Fernandez pinch-hit, but grounded out to the inevitable Spataro, stranding all runners. Wall, Hall, and Zeltser were retired in order by Jermaine Campbell in the ninth. 3-1 Titans. Stalker 2-4; Wallace 1-2;

Where has the goddamn offense gone?? It was supposed to get BETTER! (glance hits Fowler and Avakian)

Don’t lose the fourth game. Don’t lose it. Just don’t.

Begging in April. Gonna be a long season.

Game 4
BOS: 3B Gil – C J. Young – RF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – 1B Lessman – 2B D’Angelo – CF M. Walker – P Dykstra
POR: SS Stalker – 3B Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – RF M. Fernandez – 1B Avakian – 2B Barrios – C Wall – P Willes

Nothing worked, just as the last five games, with the offense, who remained completely inane and unwatchable. As was, in fact, Willes. He walked two in the first, with Spataro’s long drive speared by Fowler in deep center, then walked Gil to begin the third inning. Young doubled right away. Avila’s grounder gave Boston a 1-0 lead, and Willes plated the second runner with a wild pitch before serving up a homer to Spataro, who couldn’t resist sticking another knife in the Critters’ belly. Down 3-0, the game looked completely lost. They did occasionally get on base, but not to third base. In the bottom 3rd, a Lessman error and Wallace’s single put two aboard for Fowler, who flew out to center to end the inning. Dykstra walked Avakian and Barrios in the fourth, and Kurt Wall hit into a 5-4-3 soul-cruncher. Even worse, Cristiano seemed to have hid the Capt’n Coma.

Jim Young’s leadoff jack made it 4-0 in the fifth, which was the point where I resigned from competing for much of anything again. Avakian and Barrios walked again with two outs in the sixth, so at least Kurt Wall couldn’t spank the ball into a double play… instead, he popped out on the first pitch. Willes scratched out seven innings in a losing effort before being hit for by Berto to begin the bottom 7th. Berto grounded out, and nobody after him did much better until Bob Zeltser’s pinch-hit double off Tim Zimmerman to kick off the bottom 9th. The team was still down 4-0 and nobody expected them to make a comeback. Scheffer hit for Chris Wise in the #9 hole and whiffed. Stalker grounded out to Spataro. Salgado grounded out to the pitcher… 4-0 Titans. Wallace 2-4; Fowler 2-4; Avakian 1-2, 2 BB; Zeltser (PH) 1-1, 2B;

In other news

April 9 – IND 1B Ivan Pena (.190, 1 HR, 3 RBI) goes yard for the only marker in the Indians’ 1-0 win over the Knights.
April 15 – 2033 CL ROTY, SFB LF/RF/1B Doug Levis (.290, 1 HR, 5 RBI), mercifully ends the Bayhawks game against the Condors with a game-winning sac fly… in the 19th inning. Neither team had scored in extras at that point. In a game with two rain delays that lasted north of eight hours, the most efficient appearance was that of the Bayhawks’ Ben Suhay (.256, 2 HR, 10 RBI), who smoked a pinch-hit grand slam in the seventh inning of the eventual 7-6 San Francisco win.
April 15 – CIN LF/RF Barend Kok (.158, 1 HR, 6 RBI) caps a 5-run rally with a walkoff grand slam as the Cyclones beat the Blue Sox, 7-6.
April 15 – WAS INF/LF Adam Crabb (.276, 0 HR, 4 RBI) is out for the season with a ruptured medial collateral ligament.

Complaints and stuff

It took all of two weeks for me to be fed up with our new star batters. One is in a 2-for-23 slump, and the other is working his hairy bum off to get there, too.

The team scored 14 runs on Monday, and then everything just died. They got eight runs in the other six games. IN TOTAL.

Desolation.

Before we get any ideas, Tony Morales is batting .190 in AAA. It’s only been five games. It’s only been five games. It’s only been –

Rich Vickers is raking .385 with the Alley Cats, but his problem remains the same – everything Rich Vickers does, Tim Stalker does a whole lot better. And when you as a 25-year-old get dominated by a 36-year-old…

And yes, Darren Brown cleared waivers, too (all players waived on Opening Day did), and no, that’s probably not great news. Through 13 innings in AAA, he was walked 10 batters. He’s useless. Maybe I can work him into the lineup, though…

Fun Fact: 14 years ago today, Luis Moreira of the Cyclones churned out six hits in a 15-13 win over the Buffaloes.

Moreira, then a 27-year-old sophomore and reigning Rookie of the Year in the FL, was traded to the Rebels the same year. He hit .278 with 15 homers in total that season and would hit more than 20 a year for a good long time then, all the way through 2027 with the Scorpions. He led the FL in walks that year, drawing 138 of those, and hit .273/.402/.474. He was an All Star for the sixth and final time at age 33, and after that rapidly declined. He was out of baseball three years later. In total he appeared in 1,594 games and hit .264/.383/.429 with 205 homers and 866 RBI. He also drew 1,066 walks.

He will not be on the Hall of Fame ballot for another year, but despite a lofty .811 OPS is not likely to get much support. He only amounted to 1,452 base hits in a career that barely spanned the minimum ten years. He ended up with 10 years and 81 days of ABL service time.

[Westheim]

Raccoons (6-6) vs. Loggers (8-5) – April 16-18, 2035

In came the first-place Loggers, which sounded unusual to begin with. They were fourth in both runs scored and runs allowed, and had a fine rotation and a bullpen allowing hardly any runs at all. Last year, this series had seen a 9-9 split.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (1-1, 4.26 ERA) vs. Vinny Olguin (1-0, 1.69 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (1-1, 3.65 ERA) vs. TBD
Gilberto Rendon (1-1, 3.75 ERA) vs. Alfredo Casique (2-0, 3.57 ERA)

Those were two right-handers, and a third right-hander, Mike Bass (0-2, 5.91 ERA) had taken the first turns in the rotation between them, but was reportedly moved to the pen. William Stockwell (1-1, 3.86 ERA), a left-hander, was a likely replacement.

Game 1
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – 3B J. Conner – 1B O. Huerta – CF Prestwood – LF K. Farmer – 2B Yoshioka – C Canas – P Olguin
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 3B Zeltser – RF M. Fernandez – C Scheffer – P Sabre

Danny Valenzuela opened with a single on a 1-2 pitch (oh, to have a pitcher that can whiff anybody…!), stole second, and would score on two productive outs by Maxime Garnier and Josh Conner, putting Milwaukee up 1-0 right away. A brief rain delay (April in Portland!) later, the Critters would scratch out an unearned run in the bottom 3rd, with Sabre doubling with two outs and scoring on Ramos’ single and an error by Valenzuela, who overran the baseball. That was the last thing Sabre did in the game, more or less. He allowed a leadoff single to Omar Huerta in the fourth, then left with discomfort in the wrist. Dusty Kulp replaced him, but conceded the run on a Kymani Farmer single and Kenta Yoshioka’s sac fly to center, giving the Loggers a new lead, 2-1.

For the seventh game in a row, the Raccoons’ offense looked like a single-A team that had erred into the ABL’s All Star showcase in July. At least Manny Fernandez drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 5th against Olguin, giving the Raccoons the tying run on ba- oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD!! Fernandez fell asleep and was picked off, one pitch before otherwise useless Philip Scheffer doubled down the rightfield line. Salgado batted for Kulp, flew out to center, Berto rolled over to Yoshioka, and nobody scored…

Somehow we still got the game knotted up in the sixth when Justin Fowler rammed a mistake by Olguin over the fence. It was another solo homer, because getting on base was hard, especially with a stuffed tummy… The Raccoons did nothing in the seventh, nothing in the eighth, and had to bitterly do something, anything in the ninth, because the Loggers had done something against Ed Blair in the top of the ninth inning… D.J. Mendez’ 2-out RBI double gave them a 3-2 lead, although to be fair the main blame was on Jimmy Wallace, who had played a Steve Wilson fly into a triple before that… Facing righty Alex Banderas, the Raccoons had 4-5-6 at the plate in the bottom 9th. Fowler dropped in a soft single between Garnier and Mendez, which was a nice start. Avakian grounded to the right side, with Jeremy Leftwich going to second base to erase the lead runner. Zeltser grounded to short, and again the Loggers took out the lead runner, but couldn’t turn two. Manny Fernandez was the last chance we had, but flew out to Tyler Prestwood. 3-2 Loggers. Fowler 3-4, HR, RBI; Avakian 2-4; Kulp 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K; Hennessy 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K;

Sabre will be fine; we may have to juggle the rotation a bit because it doesn’t look like he can pitch by Sunday.

We are now behind the Elks, and I am now going to get measured for a uniform because I’m gonna put myself into the ****ing lineup now!!

Game 2
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – LF S. Wilson – 3B J. Conner – 1B O. Huerta – 2B Yoshioka – CF K. Farmer – C Paiz – P Stockwell
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Salgado – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – LF Hall – 3B Marsingill – P del Rio

Five Raccoons batters reached base in the opening inning … and we scored one run … and I don’t know … why and how… Berto led off with a double and scored on a Stalker single. Salgado hit into a double play; Fowler, Avakian, and Wall all reached base via walk, single, walk, but Nate Hall struck out to strand all three of them. All the Loggers had to do to undo the 1-0 led was an Omar Huerta gapper for a leadoff triple in the top of the second; Yoshioka’s sac fly got him across. Huerta would knock of the other hard part of the cycle in the fourth, hitting a long 2-run homer off del Rio, who had walked Josh Conner to begin the inning, but Huerta grounded out the next time around, ending the sixth inning. It was still a 3-1 game, and of course the Raccoons were on the short end. We got leadoff walks in the fifth (Marsingill) and sixth (Salgado), and neither runner even made it to third base. Justin Marsingill drew another walk in the seventh inning, then with one out off Rafael Zacarias. Wallace batted for del Rio, but grounded out. Berto was up with two outs, struggled just like everybody else, but managed to get a grounder through the right side on the first pitch. Marsingill scored from second, and a throwing error by Valenzuela moved Berto to second base… where he remained; Stalker struck out. The Loggers took the run right back in the top 8th against Garavito. Valenzuela singled, stole second, and moved around on two groundouts, and Yoshioka’s leadoff jack in the ninth added another run. The Coons were very careful not to cause any commotion on their way to their fourth straight defeat. 5-2 Loggers. Ramos 2-4, 2B, RBI; M. Fernandez (PH) 1-1;

(on the phone) Yes, hello, Dr. Lipschitz. – Yes, I need an appointment. – Oh, nothing out of the ordinary, the usual thing. I’m questioning all my life choices again. – Can Honeypaws come, too?

Game 3
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – LF S. Wilson – 3B J. Conner – 2B McWhirter – CF Prestwood – 1B Leftwich – C Canas – P Casique
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 3B Zeltser – RF M. Fernandez – C Wall – P Rendon

The Loggers scattered four hits in the first five innings, all singles, and the Coons amounted to all of three hits, but also a run, somehow; Adam Avakian walked in the bottom 2nd and was driven in with a 2-out single slashed by Kurt Wall. It was a lead, but it was also the ninth straight game where the entire lineup looked not only overeaten, but also as if every single muscle had turned into jelly.

But it wasn’t a game like the last EIGHT games. For the first time since the previous Monday, the Raccoons managed to reach the lofty heights of FOUR runs in a single game, and they did so on a big swipe by Justin Fowler in the bottom 6th. Fowler hit his second dinger of the set, the third on the year, and cashed Stalker and Wallace, who had begun the inning with soft singles. Avakian then reached on a Garnier error, advanced on a wild pitch and a balk, and scored on Wall’s groundout, racing the gap to a dizzying 5-0!

…and of course Rendon then immediately started to cough blood and was slapped for three hits and a run in the seventh, but Jeremy Leftwich’s 2-out RBI single still kept the Loggers at slam’s distance, and Rodrigo Canas grounded out to end the inning, and that was before Justin Fowler hit another homer, a 2-piece to centerfield that collected Tim Stalker, whom Casique had nailed. That was the final run-scoring event in the game, with the Raccoons just barely staving off a sweep… 7-1 Critters. Wallace 2-4; Fowler 2-4, 2 HR, 5 RBI; Rendon 7.0 IP, 8 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 4 K, W (2-1);

Raccoons (7-8) @ Condors (11-4) – April 20-22, 2035

I had an icky feeling about this series, because the Condors had played well, sitting second in both runs scored and runs allowed in the CL South, and because the Raccoons had done anything but playing well… We had lost six of the last seven season series against them, including a 4-5 effort in 2034.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (2-1, 4.70 ERA) vs. George Griffin (2-0, 2.89 ERA)
Colt Willes (1-2, 3.72 ERA) vs. Ethan Jordan (0-1, 1.42 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (1-1, 4.60 ERA) vs. Juan Garcia (2-1, 1.90 ERA)

Right, left, left, and boy, those are some low ERAs…. Sabre was penciled in, but was a potential scratch. In this case we’d move up del Rio (1-2, 3.72 ERA).

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Chavez
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – SS Bunyon – P Griffin

Both starters walked the first batter they faced, but Fernandez hit into a double play and Chris Murphy was caught stealing. Bernie Chavez ran into a chainsaw soon enough, conceding a single to Firmino Cambra to begin the bottom 3rd. Donovan Bunyon hit an RBI double to right, and when Griffin bunted, Chavez tried to get the lead runner, but the throw to third base was so bad that it pulled Zeltser off the base. Murphy would bring up that run with a fielder’s choice. The Raccoons wouldn’t get a base hit until the fifth inning, which saw a leadoff walk to Edgar Barrios. Zeltser grounded out, but Scheffer found a hole for an RBI single, plating Barrios from second base. Berto would draw a 2-out walk, but Fernandez grounded out poorly and left the tying and go-ahead runs on base. The Condors shrugged, dramatically waved with their ugly wings, and beaked Bernie for a comeback run in the bottom of the same inning. Bunyon hit another double to right, was bunted to third, and scored on Murphy’s sac fly, 3-1, and old man Firmino Cambra singled home a run with two outs in the sixth after Chavez had clumsily walked Justin Williams and Jose Flores. Bunyon struck out raking, but it was a 4-1 game, and the Raccoons were looking like losers again.

After a sad seventh, Fowler singled home Jimmy Wallace in the eighth inning, bringing the tying run to the plate. Both Avakian and Barrios would hit deep flies in that situation – and both had their balls caught on the warning track by Murphy and Willie Ojeda, respectively. Wise got stuck in the bottom 8th and required rescue by both Fernandezes, one of them on the mound and the other in rightfield chasing down a Cambra drive that looked like trouble. No trouble was encountered by Ray Andrews in the top 9th. Salgado, Hall, and Wall all pinch-hit, and none of them reached base. 4-2 Condors.

The Raccoons made a roster change prior to Saturday. Largely useless Justin Marsingill was dumped to AAA, and we brought up Vince Lutch, a waiver claim off the Loggers’ 40-man roster a while back. Lutch, who would be in the lineup and make his major league debut, played all infield positions with some degree of competence. He was 24, had a last name that sounded like an obese dove smacking a windshield on the freeway, and batted .244 in AAA, but sometimes you gotta change the damn drapes…

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Salgado – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF Hall – 3B Lutch – P Willes
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – SS Bunyon – P E. Jordan

Salgado singled, got to second on a wild pitch, and scored on Fowler’s double to center – the Raccoons went up 1-0 in the first! …and that was it with the offense. Fowler reached base in the fourth, and Wallace and Wall made bids for the walls at least, but neither of them reached them, or even the ground in front of them. Nate Hall reached on an error by Jason Bensinger in the fifth, then was caught stealing. Colt Willes did what he could and one-hit the Condors for a while, but this was not a lineup you could reasonably expect to shut out just like that; the Condors actually knew their way around a baseball and a bat…

The sixth saw Salgado double, but that was with two outs and Bunyon handled Fowler’s grounder to end the inning. The bottom 6th began with a Murphy single, and somehow I knew this was gonna be the end of the 1-0 lead. Bensinger bunted the runner to second, and while Ojeda flew out harmlessly, there came the ****ing disgusting skunk weasel. Batting .175 so far on the season, the foul-smelling animated pile of feces that was Shane Sanks slapped a single to left-center, brilliantly exploiting the defensive black hole out there, and Murphy casually scored the tying run. More singles by Williams and Flores brought around the skunk weasel, too, giving Tijuana a 2-1 lead by the time Willes finally got the ****ing third out from Cambra…

The seventh was uneventful, and the eighth began with Fernandez batting for Willes and fanning. Berto then singled to left, giving him an edge in an April-long struggle with the .200 mark, and then Stalker narrowly landed a double in left-center. Since both Williams and Juan Palbes were near that ball, Berto couldn’t go all-out for home plate and had to hold at third base, but the tying and go-ahead runs were in scoring position for Salgado, who hit a soul-stabbing comebacker that did absolutely nothing to stave off looming defeat. Jordan, who was on six strikeouts, had Justin Fowler at two strikes, but then left a curve on the bottom edge of the zone. Fowler couldn’t hit it outta here, but he sure hit it over Bunyon’s dumb glove for a single. Berto scored, Stalker scored, the Coons were ahead again! Wallace fouled out, then was ditched for defense right away. Chris Wise retired 2-3-4 in order, including a K to the skunk weasel, in the eighth. Hall and Avakian both hit singles in the ninth, but Fernandez and Ramos made poor outs to keep them stranded. This left Ed Blair with no cushion against the 5-6-7, including at least two lefty bats. The first pitch Blair threw was dumped at the base of the centerfield wall by Justin Williams, who legged out a leadoff triple. Neat. Jose Flores hit a sac fly to right, 3-3, Cambra doubled to right, and who doubted Bunyon would walk off the Condors? He did walk off the Condors, singling to left. 4-3 Condors. Fowler 3-4, 2B, 3 RBI; Avakian (PH) 1-1; Willes 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 7 K;

Vince Lutch went 0-3 with a K. Sums up the season nicely.

Game 3
POR: SS Stalker – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 2B Barrios – 3B Lutch – P del Rio
TIJ: 1B Cambra – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – CF Palbes – SS Bunyon – P J. Garcia

I didn’t feel like getting out of bed in my hotel and left the team to its own devices at the ballpark. I huddled up with a bottle of The Official Tequila of the Tijuana Condors – and my Spanish wasn’t polished enough to get the assumed pun on the bottle, but it showed a drunk eagle, and that was all I needed. I was not yet drunk when the Raccoons clubbed Juan Garcia for three hits and as many runs in the top of the first; all the damage was done with two outs, Wallace and Fowler getting on before Avakian hit an RBI double, and Kurt Wall chipped in an RBI single, slyly taking up second place on the team’s paltry RBI table with 11. I soon regretted that 3-run inning because it delayed me getting knackered on the eagle’s stuff, while the Condors nibbled away on del Rio’s intestines. Williams and Palbes both landed hits on 2-strike pitches to make up a run in the second, and in the fourth inning the heavens came down once again and del Rio couldn’t get anybody out. He nailed Williams with one out in the inning, and it all went to hell in a hurry. Flores singled, Palbes walked, Bunyon hit an RBI single with the bags full, and while the pitcher Garcia struck out, two outs would not be any help to del Rio. He walked Cambra to tie the game, and Bensinger singled home two. Ojeda singled to load the bases again before the skunk weasel struck out. It was now 5-3 Condors, and I had to get pouring. I even found the worm in the bottle while Wallace slumped back to the dugout after whiffing in the top 5th.

Wallace was the tying run in scoring position in the seventh inning, though, doubling over Palbes with one out as a follow-up to Salgado’s single. Despite first base open and not a good matchup, the Condors had Garcia face Fowler, who grounded up the middle. Bunyon got the second out, but Salgado scored, with Wallace to third base. Avakian flew out to center, keeping the Coons down 5-4. The tying run was left at third base again an inning later. Kurt Wall opened with a double before Barrios grounded out, Lutch popped out, and Berto flew to right in the #9 hole, where Willie Ojeda made a headlong, sliding catch that left a wide brown trail on the field, but it counted for the third out all the same. Ninth inning, Ray Andrews on the mound, and another leadoff double, now by Tim Stalker, and HE was the tying run…! Also, that eagle is blurry as **** all of a sudden. Salgado singled, putting runners on the corners. They were gone after Jimmy Wallace doubled over Justin Williams for a score-flipper! The next three batters made fast outs, but we had the lead. After the previous game’s massacre, Mauricio Garavito got the ball – the only southpaw left in the pen at this stage. The skunk weasel singled with one out in the bottom 9th, but that was it. Williams struck out. Flores grounded out to Lutch at third base. 6-5 Raccoons. Stalker 2-5, 2B; Salgado 3-5; Wallace 3-5, 2 2B, 2 RBI; Wall 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI;

In other news

April 17 – ATL RF/LF Roy Pincus (.275, 3 HR, 7 RBI) is out with a sprained ankle and isn’t expected back before late May.
April 17 – BOS SS Keith Spataro (.200, 1 HR, 3 RBI) will be on the DL for a month with a torn meniscus.
April 19 – PIT 3B Omar Lastrade (.317, 0 HR, 10 RBI) extends a hitting streak dating back to last season to 20 games with a single in the Miners’ 5-3 loss to the Blue Sox.
April 20 – NAS 3B/1B Chance Bossert (.290, 0 HR, 7 RBI) is expected to miss two weeks with knee inflammation.
April 20 – SFW RF/LF Doug Stross (.321, 2 HR, 6 RBI) has strained an oblique and will miss three weeks.
April 21 – Cincy SS/2B Alex Majano (.400, 0 HR, 14 RBI) lands two hits in regulation in the Cyclones’ 16-inning, 8-4 loss to the Gold Sox, extending another hitting streak started in 2034 to 20 games.
April 21 – The Bayhawks will be without INF Dave Myers (.225, 1 HR, 4 RBI) for a month. The 29-year-old is down with shoulder soreness.
April 22 – The hitting streaks of both Alex Majano (.382, 0 HR, 14 RBI) and Omar Lastrade (.310, 0 HR, 11 RBI) end in losses, at 20 and 22 games respectively.

Complaints and stuff

I don’t know what to tell you. Everything has gone off the rails real fast, and I think it’s time for one of my motivational speeches to the team. I have to get in shape first, though. – Maud? – Maud!? – Did you manage to rent “Titanic”…?

Tony Morales? Still hitting .190 …!

We see the Falcons and Elks next week, and why the flying squirrel are the dumb Elks ahead of us?? (starts to faint)

Fun Fact: Bernie Chavez, Ignacio del Rio, and Raffaello Sabre all have 96 career starts.

If I had anything more positive and life-embracing than that, I’d tell you.

[Westheim]

Raccoons (8-10) @ Falcons (6-13) – April 23-25, 2035

The Falcons continued to make for a pretty good charity case. They had scored under three runs per game so far this season, the worst mark in the CL by a good margin (Critters: a lofty 3.6 R/G). Their pitching was average, but no pitching could cure not scoring three runs per game… The Raccoons had won seven of nine from the Falcons in 2034.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (1-1, 4.60 ERA) vs. Abramo Archibugi (0-1, 3.43 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (2-1, 2.84 ERA) vs. Bryce Sparkes (2-1, 2.56 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-2, 5.06 ERA) vs. Matt Moon (1-2, 3.42 ERA)

Left, right, right. Despite our left-handed leaning lineup we were actually 4-4 against southpaws. In terms of runs scored it didn’t really matter who we faced, though…

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – P Sabre
CHA: CF L. Herrera – RF J. Aguilar – LF Garbinski – 3B G. Ortiz – 1B Pulido – 2B Tello – C K. Morris – SS O. Aguirre – P Archibugi

The Coons put their first two batters on base in the first inning, then left them there; followed by the first three batters reaching base in the second inning. Avakian was nailed, Kurt Wall doubled to center, and the .159 batting shadow of Bob Zeltser walked after simply not interfering with bad tosses. That brought up the pitcher, who popped out on the first pitch, and then Ramos, who fell to 1-2 before flying out to center. Avakian was sent and trundled right into an 8-2 double play.

Living up to the picture scrawled in the introduction, Sabre retired eight in a row before Archibugi singled, which was such a Coons thing to happen… Lorenzo Herrera grounded out afterwards, sending the Critters into another chance in the top 4th. Avakian singled, Zeltser doubled with one out, and here was Sabre again, cropping up whenever nobody needed him in the picture… although after his double into the rightfield corner that gave the Coons a 2-0 lead, I would gladly take that back. Berto hit an infield single to put them on the corners, but both Salgado and Wallace popped out listlessly. The following inning the Coons tacked on a run with an Avakian double and Wall’s RBI single, and up 3-0 Sabre continued to cruise. He allowed a single here and a single there, walked a guy, hit a guy, and Avakian made an error to put Oscar Aguirre on base in the eighth, but Sabre was in well-enough shape against the Falcons’ non-entity of an offense that he would get the ninth even if the Raccoons wouldn’t find a fourth run in the top 9th (which they did!), despite the middle of the order up, and with Sabre having already tossed almost 100 pitches. Berto’s infield single, an error by Greg Ortiz, and two long fly outs produced an unearned run for Portland in the ninth, and after that Sabre was back on the mound on 98 pitches. Josh Garbinski doubled off the wall on 3-1, Ortiz singled up the middle, and Jose Pulido hit into a run-scoring double play. Gone was the shutout – but so were the Falcons after Ricky Tello’s fly to Fowler. 4-1 Raccoons. Ramos 3-5; Salgado 2-5; Avakian 2-3, 2B; Wall 2-4, 2B, RBI; Sabre 9.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, W (2-1) and 1-4, 2B, 2 RBI;

…and in a virtual tie for first place after the Titans’ 3-2 loss in Vegas? The damn Elks. I feel weak in my knees.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon
CHA: CF L. Herrera – RF J. Aguilar – LF Garbinski – C Huichapa – 3B G. Ortiz – 1B Pulido – 2B Tello – SS O. Aguirre – P Sparkes

Berto walked, moved up on Fernandez’ single… eh, actually a bit too far. Jerry Aguilar threw him out at third base. Manny advanced to second on the play, then scored on Fowler’s 2-out dinker for an early 1-0 lead. He displayed defensive heroics in rightfield in the bottom 1st, robbing Ortiz of extra bases and RBIs in the depths of right-center after Garbinski and Player of the Year Ernesto Huichapa, batting .333 with two homers, had both singled off Rendon. Those were not the last hits off Gilberto, who allowed singles to Ricky Tello and Oscar Aguirre in the bottom 2nd before Bryce Sparkes bunted into a 2-5-3 double play. But sooner or later they had to carve a good slice out of a helpless Rendon, and they did it sooner rather than later, in the bottom 4th. Huichapa drew a leadoff walk, although Ortiz forced him out. Jose Pulido popped out, but Ricky Tello dropped a single in rightfield. With two outs they were on the corners with .165 batter Aguirre (right-hander, too) at the plate. No way we were gonna walk him and load the bags for the pitcher. And no way Jimmy Wallace would catch his fly to left that became a 2-run triple. Sparkes then grounded out to Barrios.

No immediate countermeasures were taken by the brown-clad team. Jimmy Wallace hit a leadoff single in the sixth and that tying run never got off first base (although it changed shape twice on fielders’ choices). Nobody reached at all in the top of the seventh, and then the bullpen collapsed in the bottom 7th after Salgado had inefficiently hit for Rendon. Prieto was out first, allowed a triple to Aguirre and an RBI single to Sparkes, and was shooed off the mound once Garbinski came up two outs later. Hennessy faced him, conceded an RBI double to him, an RBI single to Huichapa, and another single to Greg Ortiz before Dusty Kulp arrived just in time to give up a 2-run double to Pulido. Tello singled to score Pulido before Aguirre struck out, ending a 6-run inning, five of them scoring with two outs. Sparkes leaked four base hits and three runs that I couldn’t give a flying **** about anymore in the top 8th – mentally I was already preparing for getting swept by the dumb Elks on the weekend. 8-4 Falcons. M. Fernandez 3-5; Fowler 2-4, 2 RBI;

The Agitator will like it. “Inept Raccoons GM drops dead from upper deck”

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Lutch – P Chavez
CHA: CF L. Herrera – RF J. Aguilar – LF Garbinski – C Huichapa – 3B G. Ortiz – 1B Pulido – 2B Tello – SS O. Aguirre – P Moon

A clumsy error by Kurt Wall put Herrera on base to begin the bottom 1st, Aguilar flew out, but Garbinski singled Herrera to third base, and Huichapa’s fly to center plated him, and, oh, there it was, another deficit, unearned, but who gives a ****. The Raccoons put Wall and Vince Lutch (of all people) on base with singles in the top 2nd, Berto walked with two outs to fill the sacks, and Salgado casually flew out to Aguilar in right. Fowler doubled, Avakian walked, and Wall hit a game-tying RBI single in the third before Lutch stranded them with a K, so now in a 1-1 game we just had to hold the Falcons there for another 16 innings until the trash can kids could be bothered to score another run, maybe.

Bernie hit a leadoff single in the top 4th, but Berto flew out to Garbinski and Salgado lined out to the pitcher, who found Bernie halfway between first and second for a casual 1-3 double play. In the fifth it was a shoddy play by Aguilar that allowed Portland to take a 2-1 lead. Jimmy Wallace led off with a walk, stole second base after he missed a sign that told him not to, and came around on Avakian’s 2-out single to right that was slightly bombled by Aguilar. Bernie hit another single in the sixth that led to just as much greatness as the last one, then issued a leadoff walk to Ying-hua Ou, relief pitcher by trade, to begin the bottom 6th, and there was no ****ing way on Earth that this one wouldn’t come back to roost. Two Falcons grounded out, but Ou still scored from second base on Garbinski’s 2-out single, and we were tied at two. Waiting for the Raccoons to untie that score was probably a futile proposition; as was leaving Bernie Chavez on 90 pitches in for the bottom of the ninth inning. He had only allowed three base hits so far, and he straightaway allowed a triple to Aguilar. Not to worry about that one, though – Josh Garbinski’s 400-footer would have sent the Raccoons home losers anyway. 4-2 Falcons. Ramos 0-1, 3 BB; Wall 2-4, RBI;

What’s this on my shoulder? … oh, just a bushel of hair that’s fallen out.

Interlude: Waiver claim

A team with championship ambitions making waiver claims in April? Ya, right.

On Thursday, the Raccoons were awarded the contract of Robby Ciampa (2-0, 1.80 ERA), no-longer-on-the-Condors right-hander and swingman, which doesn’t sound like the sort of acquisition that will get us anywhere. He was a finesse pitcher and a bit of a lazy bum, but then again, compared to our offense…

John Hennessy was sent to AAA to free up a roster spot, with reasons for that including the meltdown on Tuesday and residual grudge I was harboring for his hissy fits when talking contract last fall.

Raccoons (9-12) vs. Canadiens (12-9) – April 27-29, 2035

The Raccoons were tied for last place and in a tight division were three games behind first place which was occupied by the team that SHALL NOT BE NAMED. The stupid Elks were fourth in runs scored, third in runs allowed, nobody knew how the **** they did it, and I didn’t want to know either, but had a hunch that I’d know by Sunday. There was no way to convince me that we weren’t up for a sweep, even after starting the season series 2-0 against them.

Projected matchups:
Colt Willes (1-2, 3.42 ERA) vs. Felipe Delgado (2-2, 3.81 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (1-2, 4.94 ERA) vs. John Nelson (1-0, 2.25 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (2-1, 3.28 ERA) vs. Josh Weeks (1-3, 6.40 ERA)

Southpaws would sandwich the righty Nelson, and all three of them would get a W.

Game 1
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – C F. Garcia – LF LeJeune – 1B Caraballo – SS Cabral – CF Pohl – RF Phillips – 3B B. Gonzales – P F. Delgado
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Salgado – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – LF Hall – 3B Lutch – P Willes

It came as no surprise when the damn Elks rattled off three runs in four batters’ time to begin the second inning. Ramon Cabral walked, Pat Pohl reached on an infield single, Ryan Phillips tripled into the gap, and Bobby Gonzales hit a shy RBI single. The Raccoons amounted to precious nothing the first time through before Berto reached base to begin the bottom 3rd. He stole second, Stalker and Salgado did nothing, but Fowler singled to right. Ramos was sent around third base for home plate and - … thrown out by Phillips.

Six hits, four walks, and a rain delay in the bottom 5th knocked out Willes before everybody could get bored of his continued presence. Ciampa got into his first game as a Raccoon and immediately cooked up a stink bomb, allowing a walk to Phillips, a single to Bobby Gonzales, and then two more walks to D.J. Robinson and Fernando Garcia, the last one with two down and the bases stuffed. In came the fourth Elks run, out went Ciampa, and the .358 lefty bat of Jesse LeJeune got David Fernandez for company. He dished the 1-1 pitch to center, but Fowler got there to make the catch and strand a full set of runners. Not that it mattered much; the home team was all dead form the waist up, and Fernandez allowed a leadoff jack to Tomas Caraballo in the seventh, then another single to Cabral. Prieto took over and conceded that run on a 2-out hit by Gonzales, 6-0. The Raccoons only scored in the eighth inning, and then only an unearned run, and also only ONE unearned run; Berto reached on a gross throwing error by Cabral, then was singled home by Salgado. Too little, too late, too pathetic. 6-1 Canadiens. Salgado 2-4, RBI;

There was no hope, was there? Can it even become worse anymore? I can’t imagine how –

What is it, Maud? – Who is here? – (clenches first and cries skywards) WWHHYYYYY??

Game 2
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – SS Cabral – CF Massey – 3B B. Gonzales – P J. Nelson
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio

While Nick Valdes was berating me that the Raccoons were in last place and he wasn’t standing, nor paying for that, Tim Stalker tripled and scored on Wallace’s sac fly for a first-inning, 1-0 lead. Early glimpses of doom included two infield singles for the damn Elks in the top 2nd before Nelson struck out, Manny Fernandez popping out on a 3-0 pitch in the bottom 2nd, and then the Elks loading the bases poking singles off del Rio in the third inning. Tomas Caraballo hit a sac fly to tie the game for the second out before Cabral grounded out to keep the game tied. Top 4th, Gonzales’ bloop single was followed by a Nelson double (…!), Robinson whacked another double off del Rio, and after Michael Duryea grounded out, del Rio threw a wild pitch with two outs to bring the third run of the inning across. Nick Valdes was fuming and waving his newspaper with the standings of doom. I took the paper from him, turned it around, and then showed him the standings with the Coons on top. That retreated him to the couch to mull this over.

There was a brief glimpse of false hope in the bottom of the fifth. Fernandez and Wall opened by reaching base, bringing up the tying run in Bob Zeltser, who steadfastly hit into a double play to kill the inning. Berto hit a leadoff single in the sixth, but was forced out quickly by Stalker, and neither Wallace nor Fowler got a ball to drop in. No Raccoon reached base before Berto hit another single off Nelson with two outs in the eighth, and nothing came of that one either. Stalker ground out listlessly, and the team trundled towards their next 4-game losing streak, and against the TEAM THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED. Bryce Sudar was in the game for the bottom 9th, facing Jimmy Wallace, who homered to right, and that surely made things tangentially more interesting. Fowler bounced out to first, Avakian lobbed out to second, and then finally Manny Fernandez singled to make the tying run appear in the box. Kurt Wall flew to center, Micah Massey moved over three steps, and that was it. 4-2 Canadiens. Ramos 2-4;

Valdes continued to be furious and pointed feverishly to his newspaper – the Raccoons had just lost to a last-place team!!

Unfortunately he couldn’t hang any longer; he had to attend the National Dogfight Championships in Cancún on Sunday. He had to – he was the association’s vice president.

Game 3
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – SS Cabral – CF Pohl – 3B B. Gonzales – P Weeks
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Salgado – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF Hall – 3B Zeltser – P Sabre

Singles by Caraballo, Cabral, and Pat Pohl, then a 2-run double by Gonzales – the damn Elks were up 2-0 in the second inning just like that. Meanwhile, no Raccoon reached base the first time through. The Raccoons would get their 4-hit inning in the bottom 4th, however. Ramos singled, then was parked on first base for a while. Soft singles by Fowler and Wallace with two gone loaded the bases, Kurt Wall landed an RBI single in leftfield, but then Nate Hall made a weak out to strand a full set of runners. Desolation.

Of course it only got worse once again. Robinson and Duryea dropped soft singles to start the fifth inning against a terrible Sabre, who got a groundout from Jesse LeJeune and Stephenson hacked himself out, but then Caraballo hit a duck snort, 2-out, 2-run single to left. True, a good defender maybe catches that. Also true, a good pitcher doesn’t allow four runs on eight hits in 4.2 innings. And it only ever got worse. Fowler overran a soft single for an extra base in the seventh, although that one couldn’t even sink David Fernandez this time around. In the bottom 7th, though, Kurt Wall opened with a double to right, didn’t stop at second base, and was thrown out by Stephenson at third base. Nate Hall then struck out feebly, dropping his average to an uneasy .107. Zeltser then doubled. Vince Lutch hit for Fernandez and fouled out behind home plate, so the Critters got no runs from two doubles in the inning. Zeltser in turn came up with a 2-base throwing error behind Prieto, putting Pat Pohl on second base with one out in the eighth. That one OF COURSE turned into a run on Bobby Gonzales’ single. And that was before Ciampa got into the ninth, loaded the bases with the 3-4-5 batters and nobody out, and after Cabral fanned, allowed a 2-run single to Pohl. 7-1 Canadiens. Wall 2-4, 2B, RBI; Zeltser 2-3, 2B;

In other news

April 24 – MIL LF/RF D.J. Mendez (.435, 2 HR, 6 RBI) drops in four hits and drives in four runs in a 15-5 whooping the Loggers hand to the Bayhawks.
April 28 – TIJ 3B Shane Sanks (.241, 2 HR, 9 RBI) hits his 300th career home run in a 3-2 win over the Knights. The 36-year-old Sanks is in his 15th ABL season, the 12th with Tijuana, and besides four Player of the Year titles has ranked up a .260/.393/.456 slash line, 1,874 base hits, 1,488 walks, and 1,159 RBI.
April 28 – Washington’s Kelvin Winborn (.289, 3 HR, 9 RBI) goes on a rampage in the Capitals’ 8-7, extra-inning loss against the Miners. Winborn knocks out five hits, four of them for extra bases with a homer and three doubles. He drives in four runs in the game, but sometimes it’s just not enough…
April 28 – Out until early June with back spasms is DAL LF Abel Madsen (.260, 2 HR, 9 RBI).

Complaints and stuff

Welcome to the Portland Raccoons, your totally awesome, local, fly-by-night baseball team. Please stand by while we give a shoutout to all our most beloved and bestest players!

(dreary silence)

And now for some more serious news. Everything is awful. No exceptions. I have only a passing recollection of the 2001 Raccoons or the 1979 Raccoons, because booze deletes the bad times first, but it can’t have been much worse. Right now we have the fewest runs scored (3.3 per game), the fewest hits, the fewest homers, the second-fewest walks, and the second-lowest OPS. The pitching is “adequate” at best. And no, you can’t have a refund for your season tickets – we have already pumped all of it into the goodieness of Gilberto Rendon, Adam Avakian and others. And what the actual **** is Nate Hall doing on this roster??

Should have stopped shopping in the offseason after the Fowler signing. It’s been a bit up and down, but he’s been fairly active with the stick whenever his body felt like letting him on the field. Looking for more positives, uhm, we got two complete games in Charlotte, sort of, and the bullpen only ****ed up one game in Charlotte, and … and… and this team is gonna be the end of me, so no more drilling headaches that even Capt’n Coma and a ladleful of thiazolidinediones can’t fix.

That ****er Bobby Gonzales hit .900 with 5 RBI in the weekend series. And he’s batting EIGHTH.

What else? I told Kurt Wall that he’s a ****ing ***hole that thinks he can outrun a Gold Glove rightfielder with the ****ing fat tree trunks he has for legs. And I think I came across Bob Zeltser on my way out, and as he wished me a good night, I snarled that he should pull his ****ing bat out of his ****ing lard ***. So everybody’s sort of tense and relationships are strained. The clubhouse is a mess, I hear, and the Agitator is cranking the outrage up to a 10.

Maud? – Maud? – How’s Tony Morales in AAA? Still batting .190? – Oh. – That much lower?

(unscrews another bottle of Capt’n Coma)

Fun Fact: The Raccoons have yet to stave off losing long enough to play a single extra inning game this season.

(opens mouth)

(reconsiders)

(closes mouth around bottleneck)

[Questdog]

Well, losing to the Canadian Creeps is not fun to watch....
But the team surely cannot be this bad....
They will turn it around....
And everything will turn out rosy in the end!

It's just like I told my sister, when she stabbed her husband in a bit of a temper fit, "No! Do not call the police or take him to the hospital! You will get arrested! Just relax and the bleeding will stop. It always stops."

And it did stop! Her husband was dead, but he stopped bleeding....

[DD Martin]

What the $%#@, I put money on this team to win its division and league championship. Guess no early retirement for me

[Westheim]

Raccoons (9-15) vs. Crusaders (11-13) – April 30-May 2, 2035

The last-place Critters (…) had their first dibs with the Crusaders, who they had beat 10 times out of 18 in the previous season. Right now, though, the Critters had lost 11 of their last 14 games, and had scored roundabout 14 runs doing so. New York was sixth in runs scored, second from the bottom in runs allowed, but they had real hope that their patented stale brand of baseball would play rally well in Portland…

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (2-2, 2.88 ERA) vs. Eddie Cannon (2-3, 4.00 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-3, 4.60 ERA) vs. Jamie O’Leary (0-1, 5.06 ERA)
Colt Willes (1-3, 3.73 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (1-3, 6.20 ERA)

Right, left, right. Jamie O’Leary was by now 31 years old and had a 4-11 record in six years as occasionally employed Crusaders swingman. He had needed only one season as a Coon to rack up a 2-11 record in ’29. Him and Yusneldan Delgadillo had amounted to Chris Wise back then, so that trade still looked kind of fresh.

Game 1
NYC: LF Saito – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – CF Veraart – SS J. Brown – P E. Cannon
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – CF Hall – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon

Superficially, the game started rather well with Gilberto Rendon facing the minimum while whiffing five the first time through. Danny Monge hit a single in the top 2nd, but was doubled off by Bill Moore, and the Coons took a 1-0 lead in the bottom of the inning on Avakian and Zeltser singles, and, well, Eddie Cannon’s wild pitch at one point helped them out, too. The Coons’ 3-4-5 batters all reached with two outs in the bottom 3rd, Manny singled home Wallace, and all seemed well. At least until Hirofumi Saito homered to start the fourth inning, indicating that Rendon was still mortal and had been direly mediocre for all of last season. As if we needed confirmation, Saito homered again his next time up, a 2-out, 2-run homer to right in the fifth that brought the Crusaders into the lead, 3-2.

A Ramos Special re-knotted the score at three in the bottom of the same inning. Berto singled to right, stole second after Stalker flew out, then came home on Jimmy Wallace’s single to center. Avakian also singled to center, and Manny found the gap between Ronnie Veraart and Vinny Chavira for an RBI double. Nate Hall cashed a pair and knocked out Cannon with a 2-run single to right before Zeltser hit into a double play against right-hander Keith Black. Ramos singled again and stole second base again off Black in the bottom 6th, but was stranded when Tim Stalker struck out. Those two turned a double play on Brown in the seventh to get Rendon through that inning, which was also his final – he finished with seven each in hits and strikeouts, too, having thrown 101 pitches. Mauricio Garavito, Dusty Kulp, and Ed Blair would finish the game without any silly accidents, and in fact without any silly base runners. 6-3 Coons. Ramos 2-5; Avakian 3-4; M. Fernandez 2-3, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Hall 2-4, 2 RBI; Zeltser 2-4, RBI; Rendon 7.0 IP, 7 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 0 BB, 7 K, W (3-2);

O’Leary was evacuated from the middle game; the Raccoons would face Joe Martin on short rest, which was certainly a wicked move.

Game 2
NYC: CF Sung – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – LF Damron – SS J. Brown – P J. Martin
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Yeong-ha Sung singled, stole second and reached third when Kurt Wall’s throw hit him in the bum, and came home on Mario Hurtado’s sac fly to give the Crusaders a 1-0 lead in the first inning. That didn’t sound too bad; they were after all bringing a pitcher with an ERA over six, more walks than strikeouts, and on short rest – and that pitcher didn’t allow a hit the first time through the order, walked one, and fanned four. Bernie got bombed for 420 feet worth of Vinny Chavira to start the fourth inning, 2-0, and things were already drifting down the Willamette in my head. Their first base hit would be an Avakian double off the fence in leftfield with two gone in the bottom 4th and nobody out. Avakian was safe, also hurt, and was replaced by pinch-runner Hugo Salgado, who scored on Wall’s bloop single to shorten the gap to 2-1 before Zeltser popped out.

The Crusaders hit four singles through the infield gaps to score two runs – RBIs for Hurtado and Chavira – in the fifth inning, burying the Coons even deeper. Bottom 5th, Barrios walked, was bunted to second base by Chavez, and … and that was the point where the Crusaders hauled in their pitcher after 4.1 winning innings. In came *O’Leary* and right away gave up a single to Berto and a close RBI double that dropped near Keith Damron, a player from the Jimmy Wallace School of Defense, and put the tying runs in scoring position for said Jimmy Wallace, who hacked his way to 0-2 before getting drilled right in the knee. He went to the ground at once and had to be walked off the field by an annoyed Dr. Chung, which took several minutes, because our trainer initially couldn’t be arsed to bother about another clearly simulating player and just casually kept smoking with one arm hanging over the dugout’s guard rail. The Coons moved Salgado to the outfield at this point, with Fernandez to leftfield, and brought in Vince Lutch as new first baseman, batting third. It was what it was…

O’Leary walked Fowler with the bases loaded, pushing home Berto with a run, 4-3. Salgado hit a sac fly to tie the game, but Wall struck out, stranding two. In turn, the flogging of Bernie Chavez continued, with Damron and Brown reaching base to begin the sixth inning. Saito and Sung had poor outs, but Johnny Lopez hit a 2-run single, then scored on Hurtado’s double to left, knocking out Chavez after 5.2 innings of 7-run (six earned) ball. Monge lined out against Chris Wise to finish the inning. Robby Ciampa would pitch the seventh through ninth innings without allowing a run, but the Raccoons also twice failed to turn a leadoff base runner into anything, arriving in the bottom 9th still three short. Berto would lead off against Mike Hugh, the rule 5 pick that wasn’t, grounded out, and only Fernandez reached via four balls. Lutch and Fowler both grounded out to third base. 7-4 Crusaders. M. Fernandez 2-3, BB, 2B, RBI; Avakian 1-2, 2B; Wall 2-3, BB, RBI; Scheffer (PH) 1-1; Ciampa 3.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 3 K;

Jimmy Wallace had a swollen knee that would likely render him out for the rest of the week, but probably not bad enough to DL him entirely. Dr. Chung could not yet be bothered with Avakian’s perceived ailments, so the Raccoons carried two immobile players on the roster for the rubber game, with only a 3-man bench available.

Game 3
NYC: CF Sung – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – LF Veraart – SS J. Brown – P Bedoya
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P Willes

Right-hander Sal Bedoya (2-1, 3.63 ERA) was spotted a 1-0 lead by means of three 2-out singles in the top 1st, which immediately got me into spin mode again. The team would never win another game! Bottom 3rd, Ramos walked, Salgado got nailed – which we did not appreciate at this point – and Fernandez walked on four pitches, giving the Coons three on and one out. Fowler snuck a 2-2 pitch up the middle for a 2-run single, putting him at 20 RBI for the season, and Kurt Wall hit an RBI single to left. Fernandez scoring was aided by an errant throw by Ronnie Veraart, and it definitely allowed Fowler and Wall to move into scoring position. Bedoya fed junk to Edgar Barrios until he walked him to get forces on all bases, then got Zeltser to fly out to shallow left, keeping all the runners at their stations. Vince Lutch was next, batting a mighty 2-for-18. Bedoya’s first pitch was wild, scoring Fowler to make it a 4-1 game. They then walked Lutch, bringing up Willes for the second time in the inning, and he made his second out, grounding out to Josh Brown.

Salgado doubled in the bottom 4th; with two outs Fowler dropped a single near the line in rightfield, getting Salgado around to score, 5-1. Wall singled, Barrios was hit, and if the Crusaders played beanball for much longer, Ronnie Veraart was the most likely candidate to have a fastball coming for the space between his eyes… For now, Zeltser flew out to center, stranding all the runners. Keith Damron’s pinch-hit homer in the #9 hole got the Crusaders back to 5-2 in the fifth, and then Willes’ pitch brushed Sung in chest region, but only caught the uniform. Sung stole second, and scored on Monge’s single with two outs. Warnings were issued when O’Leary (!) hit Lutch to begin the bottom 5th. Willes bunted him over, Berto walked, but was forced out on Salgado’s grounder to short. Runners on the corners with two out, O’Leary threw a wild pitch that plated Lutch, 6-3, then conceded Salgado’s run on a Manny single up the middle. Fernandez was then caught stealing to end the inning.

The game was an unabated mess at this point and my only hope was that we’d get through nine without Berto taking one in the kisser. The sixth and top 7th were uneventful, while lefty Bill Herrmann gave up a leadoff single to Zeltser in the bottom 7th. Zeltser ran with Lutch down 0-2, upon which the replacement corner infielder unexpectedly hit a ball over the leftfield fence for his first career home run. The Crusaders scratched out a run in the eighth; Danny Monge reached on an uncaught third strike issued by Antonio Prieto, and when David Fernandez replaced him he allowed singles to Chavira and Moore to get that runner around. Veraart and Brown both flew out to end the inning. The Raccoons got the run back with three hits off various relievers in the bottom 8th; Nate Hall hit an RBI double to score Kurt Wall. That was the final run in a complete whirlwind of a contest, with the Raccoons prevailing by six once Chris Wise kept the Crusaders quiet in the ninth. 10-4 Raccoons. Fowler 3-4, BB, 3 RBI; Wall 2-5, RBI; Barrios 2-3, BB; Hall (PH) 1-1, 2B, RBI; Lutch 1-2, 2 BB, HR, 2 RBI;

By Thursday, the conundrum got more puzzling when Dr. Chung reported that the weakling Adam Avakian was out with “hand soreness”, and that he suggested a firing squad for treatment. I declined on the grounds that we’d never get Slappy to clean up the mess afterwards.

We were however hampered with a 3-man bench. Neither Avakian nor Wallace figured to miss even close to 15 days, with Jimmy perhaps ready to attack again on the weekend. Avakian’s timetable read about a week, maybe less. Stripping out a reliever and going with a short pen and a short bench sounded inconvenient just the same; so the Raccoons would travel to Pittsburgh with that 3-man bench…

Raccoons (11-16) @ Miners (9-19) – May 4-6, 2035

Miners baseball entailed scoring little, and giving up lots of runs. They had a -29 run differential with the eighth-best offense and second-worst pitching. The rotation was especially morbid, but it was also suffering from the worst defense in the league. They were hitting homers – Danny Santillano led the league with eight and Jake Trawick had seven – but that was about it. The Raccoons had last faced the Miners in 2033, winning two of three games after losing the three series prior to that.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (1-3, 5.16 ERA) vs. Jon Bleich (2-2, 6.00 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (2-2, 3.86 ERA) vs. Guillermo Regalado (0-5, 6.98 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (3-2, 3.09 ERA) vs. Jonas Mejia (2-3, 6.48 ERA)

We’d get all the stinkers in their rotation while missing the solid Julio Palomo (1-2, 3.32 ERA) and Roberto Pruneda (0-2, 3.38 ERA). All five were right-handers.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P del Rio
PIT: CF C. Russell – LF Burgos – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – 2B Trawick – RF Bonaccorsi – P Bleich

.091 batter Bryant Raymond took del Rio deep to center to put the Miners up 1-0 in the bottom 2nd, so this was to be another game where we’d be behind early, in the middle, and late. Berto drew a 2-out walk with nobody aboard in the top 3rd, stole second, reached third on a wild pitch, and then Salgado missed a 2-2 pitch… except that Raymond got called out for interference, sending Salgado to first base. Oh, not to worry, Miners – Manny Fernandez rolled over to Jake Trawick to end the inning anyway. The Coons had only one base hit through four innings, which was the usual modus operandum against any pitcher with an ERA north of six, so I wasn’t even surprised anymore… only dead inside. Then Zeltser and Lutch flicked soft singles to begin the top 5th, so at least something was moving. Enter del Rio, bunting the ball back to Bleich with juice, and Bleich couldn’t be more happy about it – that **** show gave the Miners a 1-5-3 double play. Ramos slid a single past Omar Lastrade to score Vince Lutch and tie the game, but that was all the Critters got… and then del Rio gave up a home run to Trawick in the bottom of the inning, and it just pain these days…

It was 3-1 after Danny Santillano singled home Chris Russell with two outs in the sixth; Russell would be in scoring position in the eighth with Dusty Kulp pitching and Santillano striding up with two outs, eager to cash an insurance run. The Coons had none of it; Santillano was walked intentionally to bring up Raymond, the crowd booed intensely, Raymond fell to 1-2, then hit a deep fly to center. Fowler kept up with it and the inning ended, after which Fowler drew a leadoff walk from Robbie Peel to bring the tying run to the plate in the ninth. Wall singled, but Stalker popped out and Zeltser whiffed. Nate Hall hit for Vince Lutch, which was a .182 batter one way or another but was also all the super-short bench would give. Hall slapped a 2-out RBI single, the tying run went to third base, Philip Scheffer batted for Kulp, popped out, and the Raccoons died another anemic death. 3-2 Miners. Zeltser 2-4; Hall (PH) 1-1, RBI;

(buries face in paws)

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P Sabre
PIT: 2B McKenzie – LF Burgos – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – CF Trawick – RF M. Mendoza – P Regalado

Berto, Manny, and Fowler hit singles in the first for one run, then Wall hit into a 6-4-3 to end the inning. Santillano hit into a double play in the bottom 1st ,and Zeltser joined the club of shame in the following half-inning. With Neil Clark on second base and two outs, the Coons walked Mario Mendoza and his .383 bat intentionally, bringing up Regalado, who OF COURSE singled to right past Vince Lutch to score Clark and tie the game. Jim McKenzie then struck out.

Portland poured out four singles in the third inning, amounting to a total of one run, which was Fowler singling home Fernandez. Wall and Stalker also hit singles, but Zeltser flew out to Trawick in center to strand three. That was a 2-1 lead in the middle of the third inning, with Portland on NINE hits… and they STILL couldn’t just flatout WIN a ****ing game…!! While Sabre almost walked Regalado in the bottom 4th – the offending pitcher flew out in a 3-0 count ultimately – the Raccoons got Fernandez to second base with nobody out in the fifth thanks to a throwing error by Neil Clark… and left him on base. Wallace popped out, Fowler was walked intentionally after getting all the Critters’ RBI in the game, and Wall hit into another double play. While Sabre kept somehow holding on despite being behind against almost every batter, the Raccoons got ANOTHER unearned runner in scoring position on a 2-base throwing error to begin an inning, with McKenzie’s airmailed toss putting Berto on second base in the top 7th. Comebacker, groundout, lineout – Ramos trudged back to the dugout from third base. Sabre lasted seven, the final out being Regalado grounding out on a 3-1 pitch… and I was close to not understanding anything about baseball anymore.

While Regalado lasted eight without allowing any more runs, the Raccoons sent Garavito for a scoreless 8-pitch eighth inning. Hugo Salgado pinch-hit for Garavito to begin the ninth, singled, stole second, and was stranded when right-hander Matt Brost got three pathetic outs from the 1-2-3 batters. Enter Ed Blair into the game and two groundouts into the scorecard before Clark singled to right. Yvon Bonaccorsi batted for Trawick mostly for matchup reasons, ran a full count, but fanned. 2-1 Blighters. M. Fernandez 2-5; Fowler 2-3, BB, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-4; Lutch 2-4; Salgado 1-1; Sabre 7.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 3 K, W (3-2);

It takes some sort of talent to land 12 hits, all singles, and score only two runs with them…

It is not a GOOD talent to have, just like it is not a good talent to remain undetected for years while murdering hookers in the general vicinity of he ballpark. I hear the Rose City Ripper slew another victim last night; I wish he’d slay a few of these players…

How to make Avakian wear a pink skirt…

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Salgado – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon
PIT: CF C. Russell – 2B McKenzie – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – LF Trawick – RF Bonaccorsi – P J. Mejia

The Raccoons scattered three hits as badly as possible the first time through while Rendon retired the Miners in order in the first two innings before Trawick and Bonaccorsi reached the corners on a pair of sharp singles to begin the bottom 3rd. Mejia’s bunt was bad and had Bonaccorsi forced out at second base, but Russell also popped out, so maybe for once it would not all come crash- … and then it all came crashing down with a McKenzie homer to right. 3-0 at once, the game was lost, I declared and resorted to drinking whatever I could find, parading the concourse from the third base side counter-clockwise with the sole intent of getting as hammered as Rendon.

Top 4th, Jimmy Wallace opened with a single to right and Fowler walked. That brought up the tying run with nobody out, but unfortunately those two were the only two batters no in some sort of funk. Salgado was hitting .296, but it was a weak .296 and he only had 3 RBI. What a waste of everybody’s time. He nubbed a ball through the left side, loading the bags on a single, and all that did was entice the corps of despicables to do horrendous things to our chances. A run scored with Edgar Barrios waving his bat, but he also grounded into a 4-6-3 double play. Zeltser somehow walked, but Scheffer reliably grounded out to short; it was that or whiffing with him. The ****show continued with a Neil Clark double with one out in the bottom 4th. Trawick flew out, advancing the runner, and the Coons had no part of Bonaccorsi and his .350 average. With two outs he was put on intentionally. Jonas Meija thus turned a 1-2 pitch into an RBI single to center. RENDON!! YOU ****ING ***HOLE!! (several children in the vicinity start to cry)

Rendon and Ramos opened the fifth on base, but Fernandez hit into a double play. Wallace’s RBI double was followed by a Fowler strikeout, and the Coons remained behind by two, until they were behind three again on Chris Russell’s sac fly in the bottom 6th, plating Trawick, who along with Bonaccorsi had opened the inning with base hits off the useless pushover soiling the brown shirt. David Fernandez and Robby Ciampa would pitch the required innings to end the game in a Miners win and held the score at 5-2, with Robbie Peel back on the mound for the ninth. Tim Stalker hit for Ciampa in the #7 hole and doubled to right. Kurt Wall hit for Scheffer against the lefty closer, but grounded out. Lutch fanned, Raymond fumbled a pitch for a run-scoring passed ball, and Berto blooped a single on a 1-2 pitch to extend the game long enough to bring the tying run to the plate. It was an 0-for-4 Manny Fernandez, but only Nate Hall was left on the bench, and … Fernandez struck out. 5-3 Miners. Ramos 2-5; Wallace 3-4, 2B, RBI; Salgado 2-4; Stalker (PH) 1-1, 2B;

In other news

April 30 – The Condors take 12 innings to beat the Thunder in walkoff fashion, 1-0, after a OF Justin Williams (.245, 2 HR, 14 RBI) single, a misplayed bunt, a 4-pitch walk, and finally a sac fly by 2B/SS Andy Hughes (.275, 0 HR, 8 RBI).
May 1 – NAS SP Sean Fowler (0-4, 8.42 ERA) will have season-ending surgery for a torn rotator cuff, which is probably for the better.
May 2 – DAL SP Logan Bessey (1-2, 2.73 ERA) is expected to miss four months with bone chips in his elbow.
May 3 – With the Titans’ 6-3 lead already whittled down to 6-5, the Canadiens have Tomas Caraballo (.268, 2 HR, 16 RBI) and D.J. Robinson (.265, 0 HR, 8 RBI) at the corners with one out in the bottom of the ninth. A passed ball ties the game before Robinson sets off to steal third base in a 2-2 count to Nick Carpenter. BOS C Jim Young (.309, 4 HR, 9 RBI) throws wildly to third base, allowing Robinson to make for home and score the winning run in a 7-6 walkoff win.
May 5 – TOP SP Andy Geiser (4-2, 3.00 ERA) 1-hits the Falcons in a 5-0 Buffos win while they also lose CF/RF Tony Coca (.212, 4 HR, 15 RBI) for a month. The 34-year-old is out with a quad strain.
May 6 – Salem’s SP Brandon Nickerson (2-1, 1.51 ERA) 3-hits the Knights in a 5-0 Wolves win.
May 6 – SAC CF Mark Vermillion (.324, 6 HR, 17 RBI) has a 20-game hitting streak after landing a pair of doubles in the Scorpions’ 9-3 win over the Bayhawks.

Complaints and stuff

Not a losing week! Progress, ya-hay …! (hits head on desk repeatedly)

Kurt Wall wants to bat in the middle of the order, Dusty Kulp wants to the closer, Jimmy Wallace wants more meat for breakfast, and I want these diarrhea pills to adversely react with the bottle of rim cleaner I just mixed with orange juice and half a bar of soap, but nothing is working and nobody is happy!

(sighs) … Can this team be turned around in any way? (shakes magic 8-ball) … (peeks in the hole) … (shoulders sag) … (turns to Honeypaws) Don’t you bicker at me! – Well, then you try it. (rolls ball into the stuffed toy coon’s nose)

Vermillion’s Scorpions come to Portland starting on Monday. That will be a series without Avakian. He may come back on the weekend on a trip to the Great Lakes region.

Fun Fact: Alberto Ramos has 479 career stolen bases, fourth all-time and just six off Moromao Hino’s total of 485.

After that it’s Guillermo Obando (561) and Pablo Sanchez (687), although both of these are still active.

That aside, fun’s pretty much dead ‘round here…

[Westheim]

Raccoons (12-18) vs. Scorpions (17-15) – May 7-9, 2035

The rather headless Raccoons next came up against the Scorpions in a brief 3-day stay at home. Sacramento was third in runs scored and ninth in runs allowed in the Federal League. Their run differential was -1 (Coons: -9), and while they were in the top 3 in home runs and stolen bases, they were in the bottom 3 in OBP. Infielder Tim Stackhouse and reliever Juan Zabala were nursing nagging injuries, while catcher Hector Alvarez was on the DL. These teams had faced another last year, with Sacramento taking two of three back then.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (2-4, 5.40 ERA) vs. Jason Lucas (4-2, 5.03 ERA)
Colt Willes (2-3, 3.76 ERA) vs. Josh Vercher (1-2, 3.26 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (1-4, 5.00 ERA) vs. John McInerney (1-5, 6.37 ERA)

McInerney, once of the Indians, was the only left-hander in sight.

More pitchers with adverse ERA’s that would cause the Raccoons’ lineup much adverse results…

Game 1
SAC: CF Vermillion – RF Greenway – LF Sandstrom – 1B Cortes – 2B J. Rivera – 3B Downs – SS Stackhouse – C D. Maldonado – P Lucas
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – 1B Lutch – P Chavez

So unusual was the sight of it, at first I didn’t know what to make of Jimmy Wallace hitting a ball over the fence in rightfield in the first inning. Cashing Ramos on first base, Jimmy’s fifth homer of the year put the Raccoons up 2-0, and he would add to that with a shot to left in the fourth inning, that leadoff jack getting the tally to 3-0. Singles by Kurt Wall and Tim Stalker extended the lead to 4-0 in the same inning, which was a welcome addition given that Bernie Chavez constantly looked like he as about to get splanked for a few markers on the board. The Scorpions didn’t score through four innings, but had a runner in scoring position in all but one of them; timely hitting was amiss for them, although that statement needed a correction in the top 6th. Mark Vermillion drew a leadoff walk, stole second, and came around on Carlos Cortes’ 2-out double to get the green-laced team on the board, too.

That was only the beginning of the end, though, as far as Bernie Chavez’ day was concerned. Adam Downs and Tim Stackhouse hit homers into the same section in leftfield to start the top of the seventh inning, cutting the gap to 4-3, and showing Chavez the door. Dusty Kulp replaced him and fanned Danny Maldonado, before the appearance of pinch-hitter Marquis Stubblefield lined up four left-handed bats. Garavito was called upon, got Stubblefield on a grounder, but allowed a single to extend Vermillion’s 20-game hitting streak. That was the tying run, and he also stole second base, but Troy Greenway went down on strikes to strand him. Some shuffling on defense had placed Hugo Salgado on first base, batting ninth for Portland; that almost came back to bite the team in the eighth, with Salgado missing Chris Sandstrom’s grounder for a leadoff single after which the Scorpions sent three straight lefty pinch-hitters against Chris Wise, Garavito’s replacement. One, Christian Abel, singled, but the other two struck out. Tim Stackhouse grounded out to Lutch at third base to end the inning. After Portland did nothing to extend their lead, Ed Blair was left to his own wisdom in the ninth. It began with a deep fly out by Maldonado and ended with a 2-out string of a Vermillion double, a Greenway single (on 1-2), and a Sandstrom triple (also, 1-2). When Abel grounded out, the Scorpions were up 5-4, and the Raccoons, facing Jorge Villegas jr., amounted to only a 2-out single by Edgar Barrios in the bottom 9th. The game ended with a K to Vince Lutch. 5-4 Scorpions. Wallace 2-3, BB, 2 HR, 3 RBI; Barrios (PH) 1-1;

All Wallace’s fault. Should have hit three homers…

That was the last game for Vince Lutch (.219, 1 HR, 2 RBI), who was shanked to AAA afterwards; not for his 0-for-4 performance, or for the final strikeout (what was one more strikeout at this point…?), but for the dire need to get a proper first baseman lined up with Adam Avakian still unavailable. So here was the comeback for Chiyosaku Maruyama (for two games, Avakian’s health permitting), who was hitting .287 with no homers in AAA… He had mostly shown off antics in his Raccoons stint in 2034, hitting .170 with … no homers.

Game 2
SAC: CF Vermillion – RF Greenway – LF Sandstrom – 1B Cortes – 3B Bonnett – SS Laughren – 2B Stackhouse – C D. Maldonado – P Vercher
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 1B Maruyama – 2B Stalker – P Willes

Marquis Stubblefield replaced Troy Greenway after a solid beaning right in the first inning, but nothing came of the free runner for Sacramento. It would be the Critters to take another 2-0 lead in this game, though not until the third inning. Manny Fernandez hit a homer and Jimmy Wallace tripled before scoring on Fowler’s sac fly to Stubblefield, who took immediate revenge with a leadoff jack in the fourth.

That was about it for the first six innings, with the exception of an hour-long rain delay in the bottom 6th that knocked out Willes after six frames of 2-hit, 5 K ball. The 2-1 lead was inherited by David Fernandez, who got two outs before Erik Bonnett singled off him. Adam Downs pinch-hit for Paul Laughren, but popped out when the Coons brought in Antonio Prieto to toss from the right side. Prieto retired two more in the eighth before Abel doubled out of the #9 hole, putting the tying run in scoring position for the 21-game hitting streak-holding .322 batter Vermillion, who was hitless on the day. Reliever Jimmy Jackson was in the #2 hole, and the Critters would much prefer to face a right-handed pinch-hitter – which was all that was left on the Scorpions’ bench. Jimmy Wood, hitting .224 got the call – and struck out. The Coons continued to do NOTHING, then had to find a closer for the ninth inning. Garavito got the call with two left-handed bats up in the inning. He struck out the first of those, then served up a game-tying homer to Carlos Cortes, three second before a quarter-full bottle of Capt’n Coma shattered in a thousand pieces against one of the walls in my office.

The Scorpions failed to take the lead this time, but the Coons had already removed Jimmy Wallace for defense, which turned out to be a defenseless move, and when the #3 slot led off against righty Miguel Montoya in the bottom 9th, Nate Hall wiggled a bat. He walked in a full count, but the Coons wouldn’t ask Justin Fowler to bunt; we weren’t paying him $14M to *bunt*. He singled instead, and then Wall was told to bunt. This moved the runners into scoring position, although only Hall’s run counted. The Scorpions could play filthy moves, too, walking Bob Zeltser intentionally to force up Maruyama, who had even hit a single earlier in the game. The Coons were about outta moves; Barrios and Scheffer were all that was left on the bench, and one way or another Hugo Salgado would play first base again if this winning run didn’t come across… Barrios batted for Maruyama anyway, and popped out foul… (*animalistic scream*) … That left Tim Stalker, mired in a deep slump. He ran a full count, then avoided a ball going for his hindpaws that was judged ball four, with the Critters nursing a walkoff walk to even the series. 3-2 Raccoons. Willes 6.0 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 5 K;

Game 3
SAC: CF Vermillion – RF Abel – LF Sandstrom – 1B Cortes – 3B Bonnett – 2B J. Rivera – SS Laughren – C D. Maldonado – P McInerney
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Salgado – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – 1B Maruyama – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P del Rio

The Coons began the rubber game with the bags full after drawing walk, single, walk from McInerney. All those runners would score, and then some; Justin Fowler hit a 2-run double before Wallace whiffed. Maruyama plated Salgado with a groundout, and then they started to re-accumulate with straight singles from Zeltser, Scheffer, and del Rio, the latter plating the fifth and final run of the inning before Berto fanned. McInerney would not allow any more runs, but was still gone after three innings. Right-handed third-year call-up Matt Broughton had the bags full with one out in the bottom 4th after del Rio and Ramos singles, plus a walk to Salgado. He lost Fowler on balls, too, shoving home del Rio for a 6-0 lead. Wallace scored Berto with a groundout, but Maruyama’s groundout ended the inning.

Del Rio took the big lead and ran with it; Sandstrom had singled in the first, and Laughren would single in the fifth. In between he survived a throwing error by Bob Zeltser that put Maldonado in scoring position. He looked like he was cruising towards a shutout right up until Maldonado and Stubblefield hit back-to-back 2-out doubles in the top of the eighth, totally out of the blue. That of course scored the Scorpions a run, and gone was the shutout. Bottom 8th, facing Jimmy Jackson, the Raccoons loaded the bases without the benefit of a hit as Scheffer and Ramos drew walks and Laughren bobbled Stalker’s grounder for an error. Manny Fernandez pinch-hit for a ghastly roller on the infield that nevertheless wasn’t dug out in time to have any play at all and left him with an RBI infield single. Fowler added a sac fly, Wallace whiffed to end the inning, and then del Rio was back out there. He finished the game in just three more batters and 99 total pitches. 9-1 Raccoons. M. Fernandez (PH) 1-1, RBI; Fowler 1-3, BB, 2B, 4 RBI; del Rio 9.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 5 K, W (2-4) and 2-3, RBI;

For the first time in a while, the Raccoons ditched sole or joint possession of last place in the CL North, squeezing half a game ahead of the Indians and tying the Loggers at a dismal 14-19, five games behind the virtually tied Titans and Elks. Milwaukee, however, played on Thursday and beat the Caps to break the tie, and the Indians won their game to set the Critters back into a tie for last place.

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted...

Raccoons (14-19) @ Loggers (15-19) – May 11-13, 2035

The Loggers were in a rut as a franchise and in this current stretch of games, having lost 14 of their last 19 games, starting with the final game in Portland back on April 18. Not that we hadn’t been through an extended .250-ish spell already… They were eighth in runs scored and runs allowed, so greatness was not in the books for them once more. They had a -17 run differential, while the Coons’ was up to -1 and was begging to see some wins tacked on to become positive. The Loggers led the season series, 2-1.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (3-2, 3.38 ERA) vs. Alfredo Casique (5-1, 4.57 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (3-3, 3.82 ERA) vs. Ernesto Lujan (2-3, 4.05 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-4, 5.27 ERA) vs. Vinny Olguin (3-2, 3.06 ERA)

All righties here; meanwhile the Coons made another roster move, ditching Maruyama back to St. Pete after a 1-for-6 filler performance. Rich Vickers was promoted, batting .336 with five homers in St. Pete; that still didn’t open a spot for him in the lineup…

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Sabre
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – LF S. Wilson – 3B Conner – 2B McWhirter – 1B O. Huerta – CF Prestwood – C Paiz – P Casique

Avakian mishandled the first grounder put in play by Danny Valenzuela, who stole second, reached third on Wall’s throwing error, and then was stranded by Maxime Garnier’s and Steve Wilson’s awful grounders, plus Josh Conner’s fly to Fowler. Yup, two struggling teams matching up here! Bob Zeltser then fumbled Omar Huerta’s grounder for the Coons’ third error in two innings, Tyler Prestwood reached on an infield single, and somehow Sabre didn’t kill himself outright but struck out Edgar Paiz and Alfredo Casique to bail out of the constant mess surrounding him. And yet, the Raccoons again scored first as in every game this week, and again it was more than one marker at once. Zeltser and Stalker drew leadoff walks in the top 3rd. Sabre bunted them over, Berto popped out, but Fernandez singled to left-center to get both in. Runners were in scoring position again the following inning after a shy roller past Conner off Avakian’s stick and a double to the wall hit by… Wall. Bob Zeltser’s looper to shallow left and Tim Stalker’s sac fly to right scored one run each, 4-0, briefly outpacing their error total at that point, at least until Kurt Wall threw another ball away in the bottom of the fourth inning. Bill McWhirter chimed in, committing a fumble error that put Berto on base in the top 5th; the Coons maneuvered their free runner around with a Wallace single and Fowler’s sac fly. Berto in turn made it 6-0 in the sixth with a 2-out RBI double plating Tim Stalker, and Sabre also got around after hitting a single when Sergio Piedra threw a wild pitch to get him home from third base, 7-0.

Berto also got entered into the error log in the bottom of the inning, misfielding a McWhirter grounder with one down. That was the fifth error of the game and Sabre was starting to become annoyed and bickered at the infielders and his catcher. The pitching coach hustled out to calm the waves, and Sabre’s very next pitch resulted in a 4-6-3 double play. Zeltser singled home Wallace in the seventh, the fifth straight inning in which the Coons scored, 8-0, but Prestwood opened the bottom 7th with a double to left. Not that it gave the Loggers a run – Paiz popped out and PH D.J. Mendez lined out to Ramos, who found Prestwood far off base and doubled him up with a toss to Stalker. Howard Haws retired the Critters in order in the eighth inning to end their scoring streak, and Danny Valenzuela legged out an infield single to begin the bottom 8th. Garnier singled to center, sending Valenzuela to third, and the Loggers scored their maiden run on a groundout by PH Jeremy Leftwich, but stranded Garnier. Sabre completed the inning, but would not be asked to do the ninth after 103 pitches and lots of frustration.

Bottom 9th, still up 8-1, but not for much longer. Robby Ciampa was assigned the mop-up duty, and boy, was he mopped up. He walked Huerta on four pitches. Prestwood flew out, but Paiz singled. Kymani Farmer fanned, putting the Coons one out away from sealing the deal, but straight extra-base hits by Valenzuela (RBI double), Garnier (2-run triple), and Leftwich (RBI double), brought the Loggers in ****ing save range. Ed Blair donned pants in a hurry, but gave up an RBI single to Josh Conner when he finally arrived, which brought the tying run to the plate in McWhirter, who lined to left, which was where Wallace roamed… but somehow the ball found *him* rather than bouncing over the track waiting to be found, and the Raccoons narrowly escaped major humiliation. 8-6 Blighters. Ramos 2-5, 2B, RBI; Avakian 2-5; Zeltser 2-3, BB, 2 RBI; Stalker 0-1, 2 BB, RBI; Sabre 8.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 2 K, W (4-2) and 1-3;

Ciampa didn’t, though – he went on waivers IMMEDIATELY. He had spun a 1.80 ERA for the Condors in 15 innings. In 6.1 innings with Portland, his ERA was 11.37 and we had seen enough.

By Saturday, John Hennessy was back after having spent a few weeks with the Alley Cats. He had been in six games, had saved five, and had pitched to a 1.69 ERA. I’m sorry, John, I was being dumb by claiming Ciampa off waivers…

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Rendon
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – 3B Conner – 2B McWhirter – 1B O. Huerta – CF Prestwood – LF K. Farmer – C Paiz – P Lujan

Both teams got their first batter of the game on base, but while Fernandez doubled up Ramos, the Loggers’ Conner and McWhirter chipped another two singles to get Valenzuela around for the first run of the game. Bob Zeltser’s 2-run homer in the top 2nd cashed Fowler, who was nicked, and flipped the score, but Edgar Paiz’ double and Valenzuela’s second single of the day tied the game back up. Garnier also singled, sending Valenzuela to third, but Conner grounded out. That was six hits off Rendon in just two innings…

Portland still took a 3-2 lead in the fifth inning when Wall was hit to begin the frame and Stalker dropped in a single. Rendon hit into a fielder’s choice, but Berto found the hole on the right side for an RBI single, only his fifth run driven in on the season. Another inning later, Kymani Farmer gave the Coons a major break; with one out, we had Fowler and Avakian on second and first, respectively, and Kurt Wall blooped a single to shallow left. Farmer tried to catch it, then pulled up too late, and had the ball go through the wickets for an extra base, allowing Fowler to score and the other runners to reach scoring position for Zeltser, who came up with a sac fly to Farmer. Stalker was walked with intent to fan Rendon, stranding a pair, but the Coons were up 5-2 and the pen was ready for anymore Rendon-shaped shenanigans. Huerta’a 1-out single was deemed a shenanigan and Rendon was yanked. Prieto got two grounders to escape the inning, then logged another Logger out in the seventh. Garavito replaced him against PH D.J. Mendez, but then put Valenzuela on with a single and hit Garnier. Dusty Kulp faced Conner as the tying run, but fanned him in a full count to end the inning. In turn, the Critters scratched out a run on Mike Bass, with Nate Hall singling home Avakian with two outs in the eighth; Hall had entered the game in a double switch that upgraded defense in leftfield. Huerta and Farmer hit singles off Kulp in the bottom 8th, but Huerta also was thrown out at third base by Manny Fernandez on the latter base hit, ending that inning. Top 9th, the bases were loaded against Bass, who was clearly meant to see this game out, but walked Fernandez, PH Rich Vickers, and gave up a 1-out single to Avakian after Fowler flew out. Kurt Wall batted with three aboard, got a single over the second base bag, and another run scored. Bass walked Zeltser with the bases loaded, which finally saw him removed and taken behind the shed. Sergio Piedra came in and struck out Tim Stalker, and the same happened with Hall. That sent the game to the bottom 9th… and another near-disaster. Up 8-2, David Fernandez faced four Loggers and put three aboard with a single and two walks. Ed Blair came on, facing Josh Conner, who grounded the 2-1 pitch to Berto. Zip to Vickers at second, zip to Avakian – and game over! 8-2 Raccoons! Avakian 3-5; Wall 2-4, 2 RBI; Zeltser 2-2, 2 BB, HR, 4 RBI; Hall (PH) 1-2, RBI;

What’s that? A 4-game winning streak? What??

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Vickers – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Chavez
MIL: RF Valenzuela – SS Garnier – LF S. Wilson – 3B Conner – 2B McWhirter – CF Prestwood – 1B Leftwich – C Paiz – P Olguin

Berto drove in a pair for the fifth time this week the Critters drew first blood, coming to the plate with Vickers (single), Zeltser (double), and Scheffer (walk) all aboard and two outs in the top 2nd. His single to right-center was good for two, but as many were stranded when Fernandez popped out. A Josh Conner homer cut the lead in half, but Berto would stir again in the fifth inning, singling, stealing second, and finally coming home on a Wallace groundout to stretch the gap to 3-1 again. To no avail – Bernie Chavez, who really pitched like someone with a 5.27 ERA rather than his 2.57 mark from last season, surrendered three sharp base hits to Paiz, Valenzuela, and Garnier in the bottom of the fifth, and the Loggers tied the game on those…

Chavez allowed leadoff base hits four times, the last of those occurring in the bottom 6th when McWhirter singled to center. Prestwood flew out, but Leftwich and Paiz also hit line drive singles, chasing McWhirter around to give Milwaukee the 4-3 lead. Chavez was yanked after fanning Olguin, with runners on the corners and two outs and with his ERA having gone up again… John Hennessy popped out Valenzuela for his first batter faced since coming back from the Alley Cats, and the only one in this game.

The Coons opened the seventh with Ramos and Fernandez singles off Olguin, then pulled off an aggro double steal. Wallace’s sac fly tied the game, and Fowler’s single to right put Portland ahead and got Fowler to 30 RBI, the first batter in the CL to reach that mark. Fowler was then thrown out when he ran while Avakian missed in a hit-and-run, and the inning fizzled out with the 5-4 score. In response, the Loggers ticked Dusty Kulp for Garnier and Wilson leadoff singles in the bottom 7th… Conner grounded out, moving the runners into scoring position. David Fernandez appeared to face PH D.J. Mendez, who fell to 0-2, then hit an RBI single to left anyway… Omar Huerta had another pinch-hit RBI single, Milwaukee had the lead again, and the Coons kept picking through that ****ty bullpen, hoping to find somebody, anybody, to get outs. Chris Wise wasn’t that guy; he walked Corey Price to fill the bases, and also Edgar Paiz to push home a run. Kymani Farmer popped out and Valenzuela flew out to center to strand three in a 7-5 contest that was rapidly sapping all my energy. The Coons would get the tying runs on base in the eighth – Vickers and Salgado singled – but left them there with Barrios whiffing and Ramos flying out against Sergio Piedra, the third Loggers relief man of the inning. Following a fine eighth by Prieto, however, the tying run was at the plate against Alex Banderas in the ninth following a leadoff double by Manny Fernandez. Wallace and Fowler grounded out poorly, and Avakian flew out to Mendez in leftfield, which wasn’t even enough to get Fernandez across… 7-5 Loggers. Ramos 3-5, 2 RBI; M. Fernandez 2-5, 2B; Wallace 2-4, 2 RBI; Vickers 3-4; Scheffer 0-1, 2 BB; Salgado (PH) 1-1;

Eh. I didn’t know what to do with a winning streak anyway…

In other news

May 8 – PIT SP Julio Palomo (2-2, 2.72 ERA) 3-hits the Bayhawks in a 4-0 Miners win.
May 8 – The Thunder amount to only one hit in 10 innings against the Cyclones, who nevertheless can’t score either. An Andy Schmit (.350, 7 HR, 23 RBI) single and an Alfredo Rojas (.293, 3 HR, 8 RBI) homer end the game with a 2-0 walkoff in the Thunder’s favor in the 11th inning.
May 10 – After 13 innings of battle, VAN OF/2B Jesse LeJeune (.291, 2 HR, 16 RBI) ends the Canadiens’ contest with the Stars with a walkoff grand slam off Joe Perry (1-2, 8.16 ERA), ending the game with a 5-1 win in their books.
May 10 – SAC RF/LF Troy Greenway (.340, 6 HR, 24 RBI) will miss up to two weeks with a bruised knee.
May 10 – Vancouver swingman Denny Marsh (0-0, 6.43 ERA) is out for a year with a torn UCL and will have Tommy John surgery shortly.
May 13 – IND MR Bernardo Martinez (2-1, 1.23 ERA, 1 SV) is out for the season with elbow ligament damage.

Complaints and stuff

First winning week since Opening Week. That is the amount of terrible baseball we’ve witnessed so far… and just when they looked like they could get over the hump and close in on .500, they delivered another pitching stinker like on Sunday…

Showing signs of life: Tony Morales. The 21-year-old backstop (his birthday was on April 24) is up to .234 with 7 homers in AAA, including six multi-hit games in his last nine starting assignments. Yes, he had some hole to dig out of; he dropped as low as .137 after an *0-for-26* stretch and was close to getting sent back to Ham Lake. He had only four strikeouts in that 0-for-26 though, so the baseball gods tried to trick me there, but I wasn’t fooled! (shouts upwards) You hear that!? You sorry sods ain’t fooling me!! (shakes fist)

Boy, Alberto Ramos will pay for that…

Considerable anger was directed at the Raccoons’ coaching department on Wednesday after the controversial intentional walk to Mark Vermillion in the top of the eighth inning the night before, which it turned out had killed his 21-game hitting streak. I told Cristiano Carmona to go on this Gobble thing and invite everybody in green and yellow to bite me. – It may not always look like it, but we’re trying to win some ****ing ballgames, too!!

The Gold Sox have claimed Robby Ciampa’s contract, so that is one step towards winning some ****ing ballgames.

Still last in homers though. That is the part that keeps annoying me and has for a long time. Whenever I look at our pitching homer stats, I see that our park still plays small… but… oh well, maybe it’s our pitching.

Our pitching, our hitting, our defense, and our mascot … (points at Chad in the costume having his head stuck in a waste basket) … those four things aside, we’re pretty well off…

Fun Fact: The damn Elks’ closer, Bryce Sudar, has a 6.89 ERA.

Ha-hah, what a miserable team. Ha-hah, poor effort.

Ha-hah.

(groans)

[Questdog]

1B Adam Avakian*, 28, B:L, T:L (.293, 25 HR, 107 RBI | .300, 47 HR, 215 RBI) – acquired in trade from the Knights, this slugger makes the minimum but will hopefully hit more than the minimum!

So far, exactly 1 more than the minimum....
Only 1 home run more than me!

[Westheim]

Raccoons (16-20) @ Indians (14-22) – May 15-17, 2035

The Coons could really use a sweep at this point (in their favor in case you weren’t sure). The Indians were a good candidate. No offense, little pitching, hardly any good luck. Their rotation was in the bottom three, too, and their defense was adjudged the worst in the CL. The Coons looked like a powerhouse against them. This was our first meeting in ’35, but last year we had dominated them, 14-4.

Projected matchups:
Colt Willes (2-3, 3.45 ERA) vs. Josh Walsh (2-2, 3.12 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (2-4, 4.20 ERA) vs. Arnie Terwilliger (0-5, 8.33 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (4-2, 2.98 ERA) vs. Mike Burris (0-0, 2.93 ERA)

Terwilliger, who looked like he merited drowning in a nearby pond, was the only southpaw they had. Since both teams started the week with an off day, he could easily be skipped.

The Indians would start the series without John Baron, who was nursing a sore hammy.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF J. Reyna – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B I. Pena – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P J. Walsh

Willes took the mound with a 2-0 lead after Berto singled and scored on Manny’s homer in the top 1st, and showed great composure with a leadoff walk to Dustin Acor, who was forced out Dan Schneller’s grounder, a Jonathan Reyna single, and a 2-out walk to Mike Plunkett. Ivan Pena popped out, stranding three, but… eh. It didn’t get much better with Willes, who conceded a run on a Juan Benito double and Josh Walsh’ RBI single with one out in the bottom 2nd…

The bases would be loaded in the top of the fourth, with nobody out and in unearned fashion after Benito’s throwing error had put Kurt Wall on second base to begin the inning. Zeltser was walked intentionally, Stalker singled, and that brought up… the pitcher. Willes however cracked the 0-1 pitch to right-center, Plunkett missed it, and Reyna played the ball deep enough for the Coons to come up with a 2-run double! Promptly, Berto and Manny came up with poor groundouts that advanced nobody, but Wallace rushed his first pitch through the hole between Schneller and Jose Jaramillo for a 2-out, 2-run single, stretching the score to 6-1. Benito committed another error on Fowler’s grounder, but Avakian grounded out anyway… We sure hoped, six runs would be enough for Willes not to lose, but … oh, boy. Bottom 5th, Acor led off with a single, Willes walked Schneller – the fifth free pass he issued – and Jonathan Reyna singled to right. Acor went around third base and scored, but also twisted his ankle as he banged into The Wall, and had to leave the game in favor of Luis Leija; the trailing runners, however, moved up and so it was a 6-2 game with runners on second and third and nobody out. On the very next pitch, Juan Herrera fired a rocket to right, but precisely at Manny Fernandez, who then cut down Dan Schneller at home in a 9-2 double play. Willes plunked Plunkett, then barely made the play on Ivan Pena’s grounder that stranded runners on the corners in a completely messed up inning…

Portland responded with Berto and Manny on base in the top 6th and Fowler knocking a 2-out, 2-run single off Ricardo Ordas to get them home, further extending the lead to 8-2. Stalker was on second base in the top 7th when Berto singled to right. Portland sent the runner anyway, but Plunkett also overran the ball for the by then fourth Indians error in the game. Nothing further came of it, while in the bottom of the inning Reyna singled and Juan Herrera homered off Mauricio Garavito to get the Indians back to within a pawful. That was the last out of the Indians, however; Hennessy and Wise would show them the door in the last two innings. 9-4 Coons. Ramos 2-5, BB, RBI; M. Fernandez 2-6, HR, 2 RBI; Fowler 3-5, 2 RBI; Stalker 3-4;

Game 2
POR: RF Salgado – SS Stalker – C Wall – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Vickers – LF Hall – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B I. Pena – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P Terwilliger

Under the threat of having their daily meals reduced from six to three if they didn’t beat Terwilliger, the Raccoons did precious little the first time through, although del Rio singled with one out in the top 3rd. Salgado singled, but was forced out by Stalker before Wall grounded to short with two outs. Jaramillo threw that one away, plating del Rio for the game’s first run. Fowler was walked half-arsedly with first base open, and Avakian struck out, stranding a full set. Del Rio responded by allowing three straight singles to begin the bottom 3rd, all to right, and by the 7-8-9 batters. Bags full, Acor tied the game with a sac fly, Schneller walked, Baron hacked himself out, and Herrera singled to left, where Nate Hall clumsily overran the ball for an extra base and extra run. Plunkett grounded out, but the damage was done, now down 3-1, one run on both sides unearned. Consecutive Tim Stalker errors (!) with two outs (!!) in the bottom 4th put Benito and Terwilliger (!!!) on base, but Acor grounded out to throw the opportunity away…

The Coons stranded two when Avakian grounded out in the fifth, then only got back on base with another Jaramillo error in the seventh, placing Hugo Salgado on second base with nobody out. Stalker popped out, but Kurt Wall FINALLY got a ball to drop in for an RBI single in left-center, getting Salgado in to score and Fowler came up with the go-ahead run, but popped out as well. Avakian dropped a bloop single, bringing in Vickers, who ran a full count in an exceedingly tense spot with the tying run on second base and the go-ahead run on first, before shooting a ball through Juan Benito and up the line, all the way into the leftfield corner. Both Critters scored, flipping the scoreboard to show 4-3 in our favor! Nate Hall added a sharp RBI single to center, 5-3, before Zeltser flew out to Baron in deep centerfield.

Del Rio got two more outs before walking Acor in the bottom 7th. He was yanked; with his spot leading off the following inning, the Coons wanted Berto in that #9 slot; he entered along with Dusty Kulp, with Vickers getting shafted a half-inning after his potentially game-winning double. Facing Schneller, Kulp got a grounder to Berto, and that ended the inning. Berto then reached on a Benito error in the eighth, but the Indians had brought in lefty Juan Melendrez, the death of all base stealers. Salgado’s grounder to second base wasn’t much better, wrapping up Ramos in a 4-6-3, and the Coons did nothing else of value in the inning. The 5-3 lead eventually arrived with Ed Blair in the bottom 9th. He walked Reyna, Benito singled, and there was nobody out when J.J. Henley pinch-hit and drove a ball to deep right. Manny Fernandez raced back and made a catch at the fence…! Reyna moved to third base, but the Coons kept the tying run, Benito’s, on first base, now with one out. One more pitch did end the game – but in the Coons’ favor! Acor grounded to short and Berto started a 6-4-3 soul-soother… 5-3 Coons. Wall 2-5, RBI; Vickers 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI;

One more left with Indy; can we make it a sweep, finally? It would be our first 3-game sweep of the year!

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Sabre
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – 1B I. Pena – RF Plunkett – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P Burris

Portland started out with another 2-0 lead; Berto opened with a single, with Manny getting added to the bases on an Ivan Pena error. Fowler hit a single to center; Berto made a bid for home and beat Baron’s throw that also allowed the remaining runners to advance. Avakian landed an RBI single as well, but then Stalker got wrapped up in an inning-ending double play. That was a good start for Raffaello Sabre… who lasted two outs before leaving the game with an injury, blowing a six-foot hole into our sweep bid. The Raccoons had to scramble and sent Prieto to get some length, but ultimately we’d exploit the previous off day and Rendon was sent to the bullpen to get ready to follow after Prieto if necessary – and it would be necessary if Prieto didn’t go at least three innings.

He didn’t. 31 pitches barely got him through the second inning, and after two outs in the bottom 3rd had been logged, Prieto gave up a blast to John Baron. A walk to Herrera after that ended his day, and Gilberto Rendon appeared in relief. He walked Pena, gave up a single to Plunkett, and with the bags stuffed also a long fly to left to Jaramillo. Somehow Wallace managed to catch that one at the edge of the warning track, stranding all runners. Top 4th, the Coons got Avakian and Stalker on base; now the latter only reached on Benito’s throwing error on what could have been a 5-4-3, but don’t panic – we still found some mook to hit into that double play. After Zeltser fanned, Scheffer fed Schneller a 4-6-3 cookie…

While Rendon settled in a bit, the Coons had their first two batters on board again in the sixth, this time without an error involved. Wallace singled and Fowler walked against Burris, who fell to 3-0 to Avakian before our pretend-slugger actually swung. I screamed in horror, but the ball dropped into no man’s land in shallow center; the single loaded the bases with nobody out. Tim Stalker grounded sharply at Schneller, who elected a safe out at home rather than a wonky double play. Zeltser thus still had three on, grounded up the middle, and the Gold Glover Schneller missed that one for an RBI single. Burris was knocked out and replaced by Ricardo Ordas. The Coons brought on Hugo Salgado to hit for the generally lackluster Philip Scheffer, but Salgado flew out to Acor, and with the pitcher behind that, the Raccoons had to send Avakian from third base – he was thrown out, ending the inning in 7-2 fashion. In turn, the Indians ran into an inning-ending 9-2 double play in the bottom of the inning after Rendon had cluelessly shuffled Plunkett, Jaramillo, and Benito on base. Matt Owen pinch-hit and flew out to Manny Fernandez, who axed Plunkett at the plate. Wicked game!

That was all for Rendon. Vickers walked in his place to begin the seventh, but never got off first base. Wise got through the seventh, but Hennessy retired nobody in the eighth; Pena and Plunkett singled, and Ed Blair came on in some desperate move that couldn’t possibly work out. Jaramillo promptly shot an RBI single to left, moving the tying run to second base. Benito bunted, badly, and got that tying run forced out at third base, but that still left two on base with one out. J.J. Henley pinch-hit and fanned, but Acor hit a grounder to left. Zeltser BARELY got paws on it and threw to second base from his bum, where Edgar Barrios barely caught the ball ahead of the sliding Benito, ending the bottom 8th…!

After singles by Barrios and Ramos put two on with one out against Tim Thweatt in the ninth inning, Manny grounded to third base. Benito made the force play there, but couldn’t toss to first base on time. Wallace however beat Plunkett for an RBI double for a precious insurance run before Fowler fanned to strand two; but that still meant that Ed Blair had to hold up for another inning. Schneller grounded out to short. Baron singled to right. Herrera flew out to Fernandez. That left Ivan Pena, who poked the first pitch for a comebacker, and Blair gladly took that one and lobbed it to first base to seal the deal on the Indians…! 4-2 Critters! Ramos 2-4, BB; Wallace 2-5, 2B, RBI; Avakian 2-3, BB, RBI; Barrios 1-1; Rendon 3.1 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 1 K; Blair 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K, SV (8);

I am sort of worried about the huge hole that an injury to Raffaello Sabre would tear into the rotation… Dr. Chung, any good news? Any good news?? - … He just walked away after snorting and rolling his eyes.

Raccoons (19-20) vs. Aces (22-18) – May 18-20, 2035

A winter removed from a 7-2 performance against the Aces in 2034, the Raccoons hoped to keep winning and extend their 7-1 string of games. Vegas had dropped five in a row after a strong start to the season, but they were first in runs scored in the CL. Unfortunately their pitching was nowhere near that good. Their rotation was average, and their pen was getting the brains beaten in on a daily basis.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (2-4, 5.40 ERA) vs. John Jackson (1-4, 4.21 ERA)
Colt Willes (3-3, 3.35 ERA) vs. Jamie Klages (2-3, 3.02 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (3-4, 4.18 ERA) vs. Antonio Vega (5-1, 3.09 ERA)

All right-handers in this series.

Game 1
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – LF Salto – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – RF J. Nelson – 3B Carman – SS Schneider – P J. Jackson
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Justin Simmons singled, Adam Horner homered, and Bernie Chavez looked like a total fraud once more, and that was even before Brent Rempfer doubled and scored on Justin Nelson’s single. All those hits were hard, and sad, too. He gave up a triple to the opposing pitcher in the second, then nailed Simmons, and finally came out of the game with back tightness, which served to completely derail all pitching plans for good. Dusty Kulp would be entered for long relief and found his way out of the inning without deepening the 3-0 chasm, but morale had found a new low in my office.

Compounding factors included the Coons getting no hits the first time through, and then adding idiocy to the mix. Manny Fernandez ran a 3-0 count to begin the bottom 4th, then poked and popped out. Kulp lasted the Critters through the fifth inning, surrendering a run on three hits, a pair of 2-out doubles by Graciano Salto and Mario Briones in the top 5th. The Coons finally got a base hit with a Kurt Wall single in the bottom 5th, but that was it for offense. David Fernandez logged five outs in the sixth and seventh before putting four straight Aces on base and getting chased off the mound after a bases-loaded walk to Justin Nelson that got the Aces to 5-0. Chris Wise replaced him and struck out Vince Carman, but who cared at this point…? The Aces stranded another three in the eighth inning, and those had mostly also reached with two outs. Wise gave up a single to Brian Schneider, then was replaced by Hennessy after Simmons struck out. Hennessy nailed Horner, walked Salto, and somehow Briones popped out foul before waiting for what other inept move Hennessy had up his sleeves… Hennessy ****ed up another two walks, leading off the ninth, and a Bob Cruz RBI single after that, but again, who was even counting at this stage…? 6-0 Aces. Wall 1-2, BB; Salgado 1-1;

Panic mode engaged? Never mind the $14m fed to a 5.77 ERA pitcher that now seems to have back issues, but everything is coming apart yet again, just when I thought the team had found the rally button.

Bernie Chavez will be fine to pitch his next turn in the rotation. No word on Sabre. I asked Dr. Chung, and he just spat on the ground and stomped away.

No roster move as of Saturday, but we had to get our **** in a row and our ducks cleaned up by now…!

Game 2
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – LF Salto – RF E. Martin – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – SS B. Cruz – P Klages
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes

Another first inning, another homer, this time by Graciano Salto. At least it counted only for one run, but in exchange it was almost deep for two, easily clearing the batter’s eye in centerfield. Berto walked and was caught stealing in the bottom 1st, but the bottom 2nd began with walks to Avakian and Wall, then a bases-filling single by Bob Zeltser, who lifted his average to an inspiring .216 with those heroics. Stalker had three on and no out, and for a moment showed how he had survived in the majors for almost 15 years, tripling into the rightfield corner on a 1-2 pitch to give Portland a 3-1 lead. Willes scored him with a single, got forced on Ramos’ grounder, and then Berto was caught stealing again. Brilliant! Berto was then on the long end of a leadoff error by the Coons in the third, when he fed a fine throw to Avakian off Bob Cruz’ grounder, but Avakian had it bounce in and out of his glove and eventually to the ground. Cruz was then caught stealing. – Yeah, making a call here … those teams won’t meet in the CLCS …!

Over the next few innings there were only singular heroics; Justin Fowler hit a solo homer in the third inning, and the Aces clawed back on Jesse Stedham’s Wallace-sponsored single, then a Cruz double in the gap and Vince Carman’s pinch-hit sac fly in the top 5th. Steve Carr pitched in the bottom 5th but arrived at the same spot that Klages had found himself in in the second inning: Avakian, Wall, Zeltser aboard, Stalker up, nobody out. That count reached 1-2, too. And that pitcher didn’t beat Stalker either, not with his 71mph curve – GRAAAAAAAND SLAAAAAAAAAAMMM!!!!

With the game about over in a 9-2 score, it was mostly about how far the Coons could push Willes without calamity occurring, given that the team had twice lost starters in the first two innings in the last few days, and the pen was aching and screaking. Willes was almost at 100 pitches after seven fine but unspectacular innings. He went out for the eighth, but only caused mayhem; Simmons hit a leadoff single, Willes threw a wild pitch, then walked Horner, and was summarily yanked after that. Prieto got a double play grounder from Salto, then a grounder to end the inning from Evan Martin. Then came the ninth, and Garavito. He allowed a single to Briones, a single to Rempfer, another one to Stedham, and another one to Cruz, then was chased into the tunnel to the clubhouse by the pitching coach, swinging a bat laced with nails. Wise entered, allowed a 2-run double to Tony Salinas, and was also yanked. Ed Blair entered in a save situation – always dandy after having been up by A ****ING SEVEN RUNS – and got Simmons to line out to Stalker. Moreover, Salinas was doubled off second base. Horner grounded out, ending the damn game. 9-5 Coons. Zeltser 3-4; Stalker 2-4, HR, 3B, 7 RBI; Willes 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W (4-3) and 1-3, RBI;

By Sunday, there WAS a roster move. Dr. Chung announced that Sabre had a forearm strain and had to be shut down for a month. So off to the DL with the 26-year-old.

Hul-lo, Darren Brown…

Game 3
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – RF E. Martin – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – LF J. Nelson – SS McNatt – P Crowell
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P del Rio

The righty Chris Crowell (4-1, 3.77 ERA) saw runners in scoring position both in the first (Wallace, Fowler) and second (Zeltser, Scheffer) innings, and neither time surrendered a run with Avakian and Ramos grounding out harmlessly both times. The game was still scoreless when an hourlong rain delay continued the constant Coons pen sabotage in the fourth inning. del Rio would be closely watched after having tossed 44 pitches for 3.1 innings prior to the interruption, but continued as normal afterwards, retiring the next five Aces in order to complete five innings. He was sent to bat, leading off the bottom 5th, popped out, then saw Ramos single, but that was all the offense the Critters mustered in the inning.

Crowell hit a leadoff single in the sixth, sending the Coons’ pen stirring, but del Rio held on one more time, retiring the next three batters on grounders. Briones then drew a leadoff walk in the seventh, followed by Brent Rempfer singling through Avakian. Manny Fernandez was on the ball quickly and threw out Briones trying to reach third base, but the Coons had seen enough of del Rio now, who was lifted for David Fernandez. The Aces sent Salinas to hit for Stedham on those grounds, seeking the platoon advantage. Fernandez walked Salinas, rung up Nelson, then conceded the first run of the game, an RBI single by PH Vince Carman. Salinas was slain in a rundown on the play, but only after the runner scored, ending the inning. Portland made two outs in the bottom 7th before Vickers singled out of the #9 hole, followed by Crowell melting with a walk to Berto, followed by Manny Fernandez’ RBI single. Wallace flew out to center, keeping the game tied, though.

Top 8th, Antonio Prieto allowed a 1-out single to Simmons, then was hung with the loss when Hennessy came on and retired nobody once more. Simmons stole second, but Hennessy walked Horner on four pitches anyway. Evan Martin’s RBI double made it 2-1 Aces, and then Hennessy walked Briones onto the open base like a real ***hole. He was yanked for Dusty Kulp, who gave up a 2-run single to Bob Cruz, an RBI single to Brian Schneider, who stole second base, and then a sac fly to Nelson. Carman grounded out, concluding a 5-run massacre that sealed the game pretty much watertight. 6-1 Aces. Vickers (PH) 1-1; del Rio 6.1 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K;

In other news

May 15 – The Blue Sox beat the Rebels, 9-8 in 11 innings. Two Sox have 5-hit games, with Billy Bouldin (.345, 0 HR, 15 RBI) hitting for four singles and a double without even one RBI, while Raul Sanchez (.343, 7 HR, 19 RBI) lands a homer, two doubles, and two singles, and drives in just the one RBI.
May 15 – The Gold Sox out-hit the Wolves 15-8, yet lose 10-5 in a wicked game in Salem. The Wolves score all their runs in the first three innings and strand only three runners, while the Gold Sox leave 14 runners on base.
May 16 – In what could have been The Day for Warriors SP Mike Ibarra (5-1, 3.14 ERA), he pitches a no-hitter into the ninth inning before coming apart violently for a single, three walks, and after two relievers are done finishing the collapse, three runs. DAL SS Jon Ramos (.289, 0 HR, 16 RBI) gets that crucial first base hit in. The Stars score four runs total in the inning, but still lose, 6-4. Ibarra allowed neither a hit nor a walk prior to the ninth inning, but DAL C Giovanni James (.245, 0 HR, 8 RBI) reached base on an uncaught third strike in the third inning.
May 16 – The Canadiens lose SP Felipe Delgado (4-3, 3.72 ERA) for the season with a partially torn UCL.
May 17 – SAC SS/3B Adam Downs (.261, 3 HR, 15 RBI) is lost for the season with a torn posterior cruciate ligament.
May 18 – The Indians pick up 41-year-old RF Pablo Sanchez (.366, 2 HR, 16 RBI) from the Buffaloes, parting with MR Ricardo Ordas (0-1, 6.23 ERA) and two prospects. The package includes #77 prospect CL Charlie James.
May 18 – SFB SP Jose Lerma (3-2, 5.37 ERA) holds the Crusaders at bay for a 3-hit shutout in a 5-0 San Francisco victory.
May 18 – LAP 2B/SS Alex Serrato (.319, 5 HR, 26 RBI) has four hits and plates six runs in the Pacifics’ 16-2 wonking of the Rebels.
May 20 – NYC SP Eddie Cannon (6-4, 2.95 ERA) fires a 3-hit shutout against the Bayhawks, returning the favor from Friday. The Crusaders win 5-0.

Complaints and stuff

There is two options to go with the bullpen. They will either be the death of me, or I will be the death of every single one of them. What a ****ing collection of clowns. And not the funny ones. The ones that climb into your children’s bedrooms at night… (slams fists on the desk)

Then there was this number – the Raccoons have the second-worst defensive efficiency in the CL. Now, this is out of the ordinary, and I know that we’re playing the odd defensive dud wearing #5 day in, day out, but we have always been a strong defensive outfit. I suspected Fowler might have something to do with it, but not so; he has a +2.2 ZR. Berto is under zero, but just barely, and he’s never really been far above it, at least not since his age 22 season. Avakian does not help a great deal at first base; at least in that regard Travis Zitzner was not a complete chance killer.

Maybe I shouldn’t have mocked the baseball gods? Oh yeah, about that…

Darren Brown’s regular turn would be Monday, but we are off on Monday. Nevertheless I plan to send him out the first chance I get on Tuesday in Oklahoma, which is also in the spot occupied by Sabre.

Is there a worse position to be in than Rich Vickers? By all accounts he is a pretty decent second baseman. He is more than a decade younger than Tim Stalker. And yet, whenever it looks like the tooth of time has finally chewed up Tim Stalker, he wins a game all by himself like on Saturday. Rich Vickers will never get a fair shot on this team, not as long good ol’ Timmyboy’s still alive.

Fun Fact: The Raccoons have gone through 16 different team leaders in starts at first base since Tetsu Osanai’s demise in 1993.

This includes the odd weird assignment like Matt Higgins (in 1993, when we were simply not prepared) and Shane Walter (in 2023). But mostly it is one alleged slugger after another that was imported for precious coin or prospects and then turned out to be completely useless. The exception were the 15 seasons from 2000 through 2014 when Al Martin and Adrian Quebell held the fort after moving up through our system. And even then I was only happy with one of them…

Raccoons Leaders in GS @ 1B by Year, with total offensive output for team (includes games at other positions; *denotes Hall of Fame player):

Matt Higgins (1993) – 1,043 G, .258, 36 HR, 392 RBI, 17.3 WAR
Esteban Baldivía (1994-95) – 337 G, .284, 18 HR, 135 RBI, 3.8 WAR
Liam Wedemeyer (1996-98) – 388 G, .246, 69 HR, 235 RBI, 3.3 WAR
César Gonzalez (1999) – 245 G, .243, 27 HR, 128 RBI, 3.9 WAR
Albert Martin (2000-05) – 928 G, .284, 142 HR, 518 RBI, 15.4 WAR
Adrian Quebell (2006-14) – 1,369 G, .291, 129 HR, 675 RBI, 30.9 WAR
Stanley Murphy* (2015) – 218 G, .258, 22 HR, 93 RBI, 1.9 WAR
Adam Young (2016-17) – 287 G, .280, 15 HR, 119 RBI, 2.4 WAR
Hugo Mendoza* (2018-21) – 785 G, .296, 144 HR, 551 RBI, 25.7 WAR
Gil Rockwell (2022) – 149 G, .238, 19 HR, 68 RBI, 1.0 WAR
Shane Walter (2023) – 812 G, .306, 34 HR, 348 RBI, 20.4 WAR
Jon Gonzalez (2024-26) – 380 G, .274, 55 HR, 220 RBI, 6.9 WAR
Kevin Harenberg (2027-30) – 688 G, .287, 99 HR, 414 RBI, 16.3 WAR
Jarod Howden (2031) – 283 G, .234, 29 HR, 114 RBI, 0.7 WAR
Travis Zitzner (2032-34) – 452 G, .269, 51 HR, 201 RBI, 6.5 WAR
Adam Avakian (2035) – 33 G, .261, 1 HR, 7 RBI, -0.2 WAR

And now, by WAR per 100 games! Total science, baby!

Hugo Mendoza* (2018-21) – 3.27
Shane Walter (2023) – 2.51
Kevin Harenberg (2027-30) – 2.37
Adrian Quebell (2006-14) – 2.26
Jon Gonzalez (2024-26) – 1.82
Albert Martin (2000-05) – 1.66
Matt Higgins (1993) – 1.66
César Gonzalez (1999) – 1.59
Travis Zitzner (2032-34) – 1.44
Esteban Baldivía (1994-95) – 1.13
Stanley Murphy* (2015) – 0.87
Liam Wedemeyer (1996-98) – 0.85
Adam Young (2016-17) – 0.84
Gil Rockwell (2022) – 0.67
Jarod Howden (2031) – 0.25
Adam Avakian (2035) – –0.61

Worse than the dumb pig…!?

[Westheim]

It's a Raccoons road game on NWSN!

Play-by-play Cole Swatter: ...and with one half of the Thunder still discussing with the first base umpire, the other half is talking composure with Dan Jerge on the mound.

Guest color commentator Carl Bean: Yeah, you hate that to happen to you. The run was going to score anyway, but now he has Fowler on first base rather than two outs and nobody on.

Swatter: Andy Schmit also looking guilty after that bad throw that bounced in and out of Cruz' glove...

Bean: That will give a runner to Avakian.

Swatter: Please no more double plays ...!

Bean: God, no.

Swatter: It's Raccoons 3, Thunder nothing, in the third inning, and Adam Avakian is up next, oh-for-one today. He entered the day batting .258 with one dinger and seven RBI.

Bean: Maybe that's his lucky break. I tell ya, as a pitcher, these bad throws that put the extra guy on, something always seems to happen after those ... I have seen it my fair share.

Swatter: Jerge trying to climb out of a mess here, needs a good groundball to feel good about himself again. [Avakian rakes at the pitch] Oh!

Bean: Momma!

Swatter: Deep fly to right, and there is no doubt about this one! Out and away for Adam Avakian, who homered on Opening Day and not once in the 42 games since. He circles the bases and drops weights of his shoulders left and right...!

Bean (laughs): I feel with the pitcher here, but -

Swatter: Not a good pitch.

Bean: No, not a good pitch. I threw plenty of those stinkers in my days.

Swatter: Raccoons 5, Thunder zip, and maybe the Gordian knot around Avakian's neck is broken for good now...

[Westheim]

Raccoons (20-22) @ Thunder (25-20) – May 22-24, 2035

We took five of nine from the Thunder last year, not that anything like this mattered right now with the Raccoons neck-deep in water and paddling for their petty lives. Oklahoma was on a 4-game winning streak (including a win on Monday when the Coons were off), sat second in runs scored, and third in runs allowed. Maybe they had a chance this year? They were already 4.5 games behind and had to keep winning away now.

Projected matchups:
Darren Brown (0-0) vs. Tony Gallardo (2-2, 2.95 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (4-3, 3.50 ERA) vs. Mike Cockcroft (1-0, 2.08 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-5, 5.77 ERA) vs. Dan Jerge (2-1, 2.63 ERA)

Either Cockcroft or Jerge would have to go on short rest on Wednesday. Cockcroft, an 38-year-old that had seen some **** in his career, was doing duty after starting the season in the pen with two starters, Chris Guyett and Michael Donovan, on the DL. Gallardo was a left-hander and would go on regular rest.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 1B Avakian – 2B Vickers – 3B Zeltser – P Brown
OCT: 3B Schmit – SS C. Miller – RF Celaya – 1B D. Cruz – C Burgess – LF Sagredo – CF Cutler – 2B A. Rojas – P Gallardo

A Chris Miller throwing error put Ramos on second base to begin the series; Wallace singled up the middle and scored him for an early 1-0 lead. In due time, the game descended into mess territory; both teams put three on in the second inning – not a single run was scored. The Coons did all their reaching with two outs – infield single by Bob Zeltser, proper single by Brown, Berto walked, and Salgado fanned. The Thunder went the other way round, with Danny Cruz hitting a leadoff double, Mike Burgess reaching on a Ramos error, and Luis Sagredo getting nailed. Then Steve Cutler popped out to Avakian, Alfredo Rojas flew out to Fowler in shallow center, and Gallardo bounced out to Avakian…

At least Darren Brown didn’t walk anybody in the first three innings, and didn’t implode even after walking Burgess to begin the bottom 4th. Portland had the top 5th start with back-to-back doubles by Salgado (to right) and Wallace (to left) before Kurt Wall added a second run with a single, stretching the score to 3-0. Come the sixth, Brown led Berto and Salgado in a string of leadoff singles that loaded the bags with nobody out; this came already against reliever Josh Livingston, a righty. Wallace struck out anyway, Fowler struck out as well, but Kurt Wall flicked in another RBI single in shallow left. Avakian, the 7-RBI pro, popped out, stranding three… Zeltser, Ramos, and Salgado all hit singles in the seventh for a fifth run, but then Wallace grounded out to Rojas to end the inning. Brown lasted into the bottom 7th, but ran out of steam after retiring Cutler and Rojas. He walked PH Drew Olszewski, then allowed a single to Andy Schmit. Dusty Kulp was brought on and got a groundout from Miller to keep Brown’s slate clean. The shutout then was in mortal danger again in the eighth with David Fernandez joining the gang of completely haywire southpaws in the pen by filling the bags with one each of a single (Cruz), walk (Burgess), and drilled batter (Sagredo). He struck out Steve Cutler for the second out, then was yanked for Ed Blair against the right-handed Rojas. Like a ****ing pro, Blair walked Rojas to push in a run, plated another one with a wild pitch, and somehow avoided complete disaster with a Dan Dalton fly to centerfielder Manny Fernandez. The Thunder’s 1-2-3 went down in order in the ninth, though… 5-2 Coons. Ramos 2-5, BB; Salgado 3-5, 2B, RBI; Wallace 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Fowler 2-4, BB; Wall 2-5, 2 RBI; Zeltser 3-5; M. Fernandez 1-1; Brown 6.2 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 4 K, W (1-0) and 2-2;

Somehow, they made even that into a scary game…

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Rendon
OCT: CF Olszewski – SS C. Miller – RF Celaya – 1B D. Cruz – C Burgess – 3B Schmit – LF Cutler – 2B A. Rojas – P Jerge

Gilberto Rendon was his own offense with a 2-out, 2-run single in the top of the second inning after Fowler, Wall, and Barrios had slowly but surely loaded the bases. Manny Fernandez reached base after Ramos ended the second with a pop, singling to begin the top 3rd. He stole second, advanced on a groundout, then scored on Fowler’s grounder, with Fowler safe on a spiked throw by Andy Schmit. That brought up Adam Avakian, and the unbelievable happened when he homered to right on the first pitch Jerge tossed up there. 380 feet – so apparently he theoretically, technically knew that points out there behind the fence counted…

While Rendon gave up a run on three singles in the bottom of the inning, the Coons had more hurt in store for Jerge. Fernandez and Wallace reached base in the fifth, Fowler mauled another first offering for a homer to left, and at 8-1, Jerge was done. Rendon’s job was now to just keep the bullpen out of it… But that didn’t happen. He went into the sixth inning, ran four 3-ball counts, and walked the bases full for one groundout to his name. The .208 hitter Cutler was up, a lefty bat, but then there was the thing where none of our lefties could be trusted with not just keeping the **** walking guys. Rendon faced him, gave up a sharp 2-run single, then was yanked in disgust. Prieto replaced him and sucked an 8-3 game into an 8-5 game with a 2-out single by PH Dan Dalton, then a wild pitch that brought home Cutler from third base. Olszewski struck out, but suddenly it was 8-5 with nine outs left and I could totally see them lose this one.

Top 7th, Max Nelson opened with a single allowed to Wallace, a walk to Fowler, and then Avakian hit into a ****ing double play. Kurt Wall fanned, unable to hit 2-out RBI singles forever. Instead in the bottom of the inning, Hennessy allowed a 2-out double to Danny Cruz, then an RBI single to Burgess, and his ERA was now higher than the Critters’ run total in this game. Portland put Barrios and Ramos on base and stranded them in the top 8th, but at least Mauricio Garavito handled the bottom 8th and the bottom of the order without anybody having to be sent to the emergency room with a caved-in skull. Maybe Avakian, though – he doubled up Wallace in the ninth. Bottom 9th, Olszewski led off with a single to right, past Avakian (…!!!) against Blair, who threw a wild pitch before walking Lorenzo Celaya with one out. Cruz lined a 1-2 pitch into Ramos’ mitten. Burgess, a .302 batter with nine bombs, with was the winning run with two outs. The Raccoons made sure they got as much mound conference as they could out of the home plate umpire and to non-too-subtly describe to Blair all the ghastly ways you could skin a coon… and then he still allowed a first-pitch RBI single to Burgess. Schmit singled in a full count, Celaya easily scored from second base, and the game was tied. That was it – heads would roll now. All of them. Blair was yanked immediately. Matchup candidate David Fernandez struck out Cutler, and THAT sent the Coons to their first extra inning game of the year after leading by a ****ING SEVEN RUNS.

Nobody scored for two innings, with Fernandez and then Wise holding court. Marcos Ochoa, a right-handed middle reliever with control issues began the 12th for Oklahoma and served up a mighty homer to left to Justin Fowler, his seventh of the season. Ochoa retired the next three, which was probably just as well given that the fourth man after Fowler would have been Chris Wise anyway, and the Raccoons were down to him and Kulp in the pen – everybody else had already been used in a game in which they had led by A ****ING SEVEN RUNS. They now led by one as Wise remained in the game to face 6-7-8 with PH Liam Riley’s lefty bat up first. He grounded out, but Wise walked Steve Cutler. Rojas, too. Thierry Becker’s bloop loaded the bases for Olszewski, who ran a full count with some mighty rips before popping up the 3-2 pitch behind short. Berto had that one for the second out, bringing up Sagredo, another lefty batter. Wise walked him on four pitches to tie the game. Celaya flew out, and the ****ing nightmare continued. After Rich Vickers’ pinch-hit leadoff single off Nick Celmer led absolutely nowhere in the top 13th, the bottom 13th saw Cruz double to right against Kulp, who walked Burgess. Celmer was in the #6 spot and bunted the runners over, but the Raccoons had nothing to lose anymore – chances, record, and dignity were all long gone. Cutler was walked intentionally to get forces everywhere. And then Alfredo Rojas slapped a leadoff single past Vickers. 10-9 Thunder. M. Fernandez 2-5; Wallace 2-4; Fowler 3-5, BB, 2 HR, 5 RBI; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

****ing **** team.

****ing **** team.

(Vickers come up and opens snout) GET THE **** OUT OF MY ****ING EYES!!! (Vickers scurries, bickering)

In a roster move, John Hennessy was yanked to St. Petersburg prior to the rubber game. His ERA was up to 7.94 and I wasn’t in the mood for that kinda ****. Great options were however not something the Raccoons could select from in AAA. For the time being, the call went to … (sigh) … Jason Gurney. The 29-year-old had last been seen in ’33, and had a 1.67 ERA in 15 relief outings with the Alley Cats. A plug for a gaping hole below the waterline? His career ERA (4.94 ERA) was not so sure about that.

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Chavez
OCT: CF Olszewski – SS C. Miller – RF Celaya – 1B D. Cruz – C Burgess – LF Sagredo – 3B Schmit – 2B A. Rojas – P Cockcroft

Justin Fowler kept swatting ‘em in what I was dead-certain would be vain, hitting a 2-run homer in the first inning that cashed Berto and his leadoff walk. Wallace would double home Bernie Chavez in the third inning before silence fell over the lineup and the focus shifted to Bernie entirely, who had the most uneasy 4-hit shutout through six innings that you could imagine. The Thunder were hitting the ball well, they twice had two men on with less than two outs, and they never could get the ball to drop in when it counted. He struck out only two Thunder in six innings, but we were at a point where the less we saw of the pen the better, and I’d take a complete game any day of the week. He was on 71 pitches through six, so a complete game was not entirely ruled out by then, but the chances got dimmer after 2-out base knocks by Schmit and Rojas in the bottom 7th. PH Steve Cutler struck out when he came up as the tying run.

Jimmy Wallace hit a 340-footer just to the right of the 341’ sign with two outs in the eighth. That one came off Ochoa and was of the solo variety, but it also extended the lead to 4-0, which was all the more precious with a wonky starter going long and aiming for a sub-5 ERA at the same time. He got there … for TWO SECONDS… logging two outs in the bottom 8th… and then got waffled by Celaya, Cruz, and Burgess with straight hits. One run was in on Burgess’ double, and two were in scoring position while Sagredo came up as the tying run. Doom. Again. Doom. Garavito replaced Chavez and SOMEHOW got the K to end the inning.

Top 9th, Avakian singled off Ochoa. Wall popped out, but Zeltser walked. Barrios hit for Stalker for the platoon advantage, popped out, and Scheffer hit for Garavito – and hit a ****ing ball into the bleachers for a 3-run homer. Okay, that came unexpected…! Sean Bastone replaced Ochoa, walked Berto, who stole second, and conceded that run on Manny’s double into the corner, giving the Coons another… 8-1 lead. DON’T YOU DARE!!! The Coons went to Prieto for the bottom 9th, and he nailed Schmit right away. Good stuff. Not on the pitcher. On what the baseball gods were coming up with. (shakes fist skywards) Rojas singled. Dalton almost hit a gapper for extra-base damage, but Fernandez made the catch in right-center. Runners were on the corners with one out for Olszewski, who hit a comebacker that only led to one out at second base. Miller hit an RBI single. HERE WE GO. And then Celaya struck out. 8-2 Coons. Wallace 3-5, HR, 2B, 2 RBI; Avakian 2-4; Scheffer (PH) 1-1, HR, 3 RBI; Chavez 7.2 IP, 9 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 4 K, W (3-5) and 1-3;

Raccoons (22-23) vs. Bayhawks (24-22) – May 25-27, 2035

San Francisco came in with the ninth-best offense, the eighth-best pitching, a -31 run differential, and lots of questions on my part how they were employing witchcraft so efficiently that they were four games over their expected record this early in the season (Coons: -2). They were good in hitting homers, but literally nothing else. Their pitchers were crummy almost as a complete group. I look at our pen, but … nope, not switching. We had won two of three from them the first time we met this season. They came in after an off day on Thursday.

Projected matchups:
Colt Willes (4-3, 3.26 ERA) vs. Matt Huf (4-4, 3.44 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (3-4, 3.88 ERA) vs. Ben Lipsky (4-2, 4.45 ERA)
Darren Brown (1-0, 0.00 ERA) vs. Josh Long (3-5, 5.00 ERA)

A skip might bring in Matt Peterson (2-2, 3.11 ERA). Those four were all right-handers; their southpaw Jose Lerma (3-2, 4.93 ERA) had tossed on Wednesday and was not expected to crop up.

Game 1
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – 3B D. Myers – RF Levis – 1B Dupuis – C Resendez – SS K. Elder – CF Zollinger – P Huf
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – RF Hall – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Willes

After both teams amounted to only a sad single the first time through, the Raccoons saw Willes and everybody else come apart in the fourth. George Hawthorne hit a leadoff single, after which Dave Myers grounded to short. Probably not good for two, but at least one, yet, once Ramos bobbled it, none. The gates were blown open there; while Doug Levis fanned, Jon Dupuis single and a wild pitch both plated a run, and the Bayhawks would take that 2-0 lead. Jorge Resendez walked, was forced out on Kenny Elder’s grounder, and then somehow Hall caught a soft fly by Walter Zollinger before it could drop in for even more damage. The Coons responded by loading the bases in the bottom 4th, all with one gone – Fowler walked, Avakian reached on an infieldsingle when Dupuis and Jose Cruz got in each other’s underwear, and Nate Hall singled to left in front of Hawthorne. Matt Huf, many MANY years ago traded to San Fran for the services of Mark Roberts, threw not one strike, but four balls to Bob Zeltser, forcing in a run. Scheffer poked to right for an RBI groundout, tying the game, and Willes fanned. Wallace and Fowler would hit 2-out singles in the fifth, but Avakian casually rolled out to Elder at short…

The following innings saw the Coons with a runner being caught stealing (Hall) and Stalker hitting into a double play to erase Berto. Instead, the Baybirds got a Cruz single, then a triple in the gap from Hawthorne in the eighth. Myers’ sac fly gave them a 4-2 lead and once again it was all flushing down the toilet with this team. After Justin Fowler hit a double in the bottom of the eighth, he was entirely ignored, and Hugo Salgado and his 1-out pinch-hit single off Jimmy Lohrey in the bottom 9th didn’t fare much better. Rich Vickers popped out. Alberto Ramos grounded out. Another loss was in the books. 4-2 Bayhawks. Ramos 2-5; Wallace 2-4; Fowler 2-3, BB, 2B; Hall 1-2, 2 BB; Salgado (PH) 1-1;

Ten runners were left on base in this game. The Bayhawks left a total of one.

Game 2
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – 3B D. Myers – RF Levis – 1B Dupuis – SS A. Castillo – C Umanzor – CF Zollinger – P Lipsky
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P del Rio

San Francisco went up 1-0 almost instantly with a Jose Cruz triple in the gap and Hawthorne’s well-placed groundout, but Berto opened with a double in right-center. Fernandez and Wallace both got singles through the right side to score him and tie the game, but then Fowler also lined out to Levis in right, Avakian ****tily whiffed, and Kurt Wall found Dave Myers’ glove with a bouncer, stranding two on base again. John Dupuis then obviously hit a leadoff jack… The same inning, Eduardo Umanzor hit a single on an 0-2 pitch, and if that wasn’t bad enough, Avakian, the stupid ****ter, dropped Zeltser’s feed on Lipsky’s 2-out roller. That provoked a Jose Cruz appearance with two on and two out, and while he whiffed, my ire for Adam Avakian’s mere existence started to reach the Jarod Howden level.

While the Raccoons tied the game on a Bob Zeltser jack in the bottom 2nd and worked Fowler and Wall hits into the go-ahead run in the third inning while also stranding runners left, right, and up the middle, it was not an easy game to watch. Del Rio put everybody on base that was brave enough to ask; six hits and an error of his own through five innings, and the odd nifty defensive play to keep the Baybirds in check. Alex Castillo hit a leadoff single in the sixth and was caught stealing, but Umanzor and Zollinger just hit more singles. Lipsky bunted them into scoring position. Del Rio was goddamn awful, on 91 pitches, and not master of the situation, but then I glanced into the pen, and I saw a bunch of twats that were either sleeping, picking their pointy black noses, or about to choke on a sandwich (but the bullpen catcher saved David Fernandez this time… then ate the rest of that sandwich). Del Rio walked Cruz, but got to 0-2 on Hawthorne before allowing a searing liner to right. Manny Fernandez SOMEHOW got hold of it, ending the inning with three aboard. Near 100 pitches, del Rio was hit for in the bottom 6th; Barrios grounded out to strand Stalker.

Here came the pen. Chris Wise allowed a leadoff single in the seventh against Myers, then another one hit by Levis… that one was to center, and Fowler cut down Myers trying to reach third base. San Fran didn’t score in the inning because of that throw and not of anything Wise did… Dusty Kulp somehow did him one better in the eighth without cocking up the run, bravely walking the opposing pitcher Lipsky with two outs. Cruz popped out on a 3-1 pitch after that, to the utter amazement of all involved, because how could this not end with a 5-run rally…? Nope, the Raccoons were STILL 3-2 ahead and I braced Honeypaws for dear life. Bottom 8th; when Justin Fowler singled over Cruz to start the inning, the Coons sent a pinch-hitter for Avakian… Hugo Salgado hit a terrible bloop to shallow right, near the line. Dupuis went out and missed it, Levis came over and never got close, Fowler raced for third base and drew a bad throw, allowing Salgado to second. Two in scoring position, nobody out! Kurt Wall … popped out… and Zeltser was walked intentionally to get a double play set up. Tim Stalker had none of it – he tore Lipsky apart with a liner down the leftfield line that would empty the bases, THREE-RUN DOUBLE!! … and Stalker was caught in a rundown, which was a very coonsy way of ruining the mood. Up by four, the Raccoons went on to try and cheat the ninth inning with Jason Gurney. He got two outs before Levis hit a double to right, but the Coons did not yet send for another reliever to finish the loss. Gurney faced Dupuis, who hit the 1-0 pitch to center. Fowler was on station and this game ended right there… 6-2 Critters. Ramos 2-4, 2B; Fowler 2-4; Salgado (PH) 1-1; Zeltser 2-3, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-4, 2B, 3 RBI;

No easy wins here, huh?

Ah. At least wins. Occasionally.

Game 3
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – 3B D. Myers – RF Levis – 1B Dupuis – SS A. Castillo – C Resendez – CF Zollinger – P J. Long
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – RF M. Fernandez – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Brown

After Cruz and Myers reached base in the first inning, but were stranded, neither team did much until Doug Levis’ solo homer in the fourth. The Raccoons responded by putting Wallace and Fowler on base with singles to begin the bottom 4th, then steadfastly stranded them. Three 2-out singles by the 1-2-3 batters would however tie the game at one after all. The Bayhawks had needed three base hits to get a run; the Coons had needed seven… and then Fowler bounced out to Jose Cruz.

Bottom 6th, Fernandez and Wall led off with singles. Oh boy, here it comes again, Honeypaws…! Bob Zeltser hit into a 6-4-3 double play, and Stalker was walked onto the open base with the advent of rain. Not knowing what to do, we sent Brown to bat, because it didn’t really matter anymore how exactly we’d lose. He ran a full count, but then snuck a ball through the middle and into center for the go-ahead run to score! Berto added an RBI single of his own, 3-1, before Salgado popped out. The rain refused to bring an early end to the game, and Brown reached 103 pitches after seven innings of 3-hit, 1-run ball with seven strikeouts.

Bottom 7th, bases loaded against Long, who was somehow still in there after allowing a 12th base hit. The inning began with a Wallace single, although Fowler forced him out. Fernandez walked, and Kurt Wall poked at a 3-1 pitch and rolled it near the third base line, somehow legging that one out against Dave Myers to load the sacks for Zeltser. Jesus Rodarte replaced Long and got another double play, this time 4-6-3, from Zelts. He was also injured on the play but that didn’t help the booming vein in my neck. Two hits (Kenny Elder, Hawthorne) and three strikeouts didn’t amount to a run for San Fran against Chris Wise in the eighth. While Nate Hall and Edgar Barrios pinch-hit in the bottom 8th, Adam Avakian only entered the game as defensive replacement in the ninth inning… Ed Blair was on the mound, facing the 4-5-6 batters, which included the pitcher in the #6 hole. Levis whiffed. Dupuis flew out to Ramos in shallow left. Luigi Banfi pinch-hit with his .207 bat and two outs. First pitch – liner to right, but also right at Salgado for the final catch of the week. 3-1 Blighters. Ramos 2-4, BB, RBI; Salgado 2-5; Wallace 3-4, RBI; Wall 3-4; Brown 7.0 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 7 K, W (2-0) and 1-3, RBI;

In other news

The Portland City Council amended the city ordinance on the feeding of pigeons. It remains allowed, but you may not show favoritism to any one pigeon. You have to feed all of them the same amounts!

Complaints and stuff

No! NO!! I’m STILL mad about Wednesday, and I am NOT talking to you bums!! (shoves all the bickering relievers out of the office and slams the door with enough force to make Slappy look up from his doze)

Justin Fowler was Player of the Week in the CL with a .458 (11-24) clip, 3 HR, and 7 RBI. Funnily enough he actually scored more runs than he drove home, crossing home plate eight times. No complaints here right now, he’s doing quite well right now. But Avakian’s contract can probably be used best to stuff the hole I punched into the drywall over there at some point in the last few weeks. Don’t even know when. It’s all a blur, really.

Not sure what elaborate ruse Darren Brown is up to with this competent pitching display, but I have a hunch we’ll find out sooner or later…

Would you believe that our pitchers issue the fewest walks? I could swear I look up from my food bowl and all I see is them walking everybody with legs. – What’s that look, Cristiano? – You got legs! – OW!! Don’t roll your wheelchair over my toes, goddamnit!!

No-no, all is smooth around here. All is smooth. No tension. (casually breaks a pencil in half) Condors and damn Elks next week – two unpleasant teams for entirely different reasons…

Fun Fact: The damn Elks last had a winning season in 2028.

That was a good year! … for entirely different reasons!

[Westheim]

Raccoons (24-24) vs. Condors (31-18) – May 28-30, 2035

The Condors were once more in first place in the CL South and were looking really dangerous – not offensively, where they sat only seventh in runs scored (Coons: 8th), but their pitching allowed hardly any runs at all. They had conceded a league-best 159 runs, which was barely 3.2 runs per game. How and when the Raccoons were going to break through those fortifications was as of yet very much unknown. Tijuana had taken two of three in the first series of the season.

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (4-3, 4.01 ERA) vs. Juan Garcia (5-3, 2.47 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-5, 5.14 ERA) vs. Omar Uribe (1-2, 3.47 ERA)
Colt Willes (4-4, 3.27 ERA) vs. Jimmy Driver (4-3, 3.39 ERA)

Garcia looked like the only southpaw that would crop up here. The Condors also had nobody on the DL, so any sign of weakness by the Critters would probably be swiftly exploited.

Game 1
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – LF Palbes – SS Bunyon – P J. Garcia
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Salgado – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – LF Hall – P Rendon

Revolting skunk weasel Shane Sanks doubled home Jason Bensinger with a double off the fence in the first inning, so that was a great start to have… It didn’t get much better from there, either; the Coons would have two Ramos walks for offense in the first three innings, while Willie Ojeda homered top open the fourth for Tijuana. Sanks and Firmino Cambra both reached base after that, but were stranded, while Justin Fowler’s homer got the Critters at least on the board in the bottom 4th. Wall doubled and Hall was walked intentionally to bring up Rendon with two outs in the inning, but he clipped a 2-2 pitch past the reaching Bensinger for a game-tying RBI single. Garcia nicked Berto to load the bases, but Salgado grounded out poorly to strand three Critters. The game also didn’t stay tied at two for long, although it was not really Rendon’s fault, and then again, it was. He had Bensinger struck out to end a 1-2-3 top 5th, but Kurt Wall kicked the ball away. Bensinger reached, and promptly Ojeda hit his second bomb of the game, setting the Condors 4-2 ahead. Rendon lasted only two more batters, with Sanks grounding out to end the inning, but Jose Flores hit a leadoff double in the sixth and that got Rendon yanked. Garavito conceded the run on two deep fly outs, burying the Critters three deep.

Then the nibbling began. Stalker double and Hall RBI single in the sixth, one run nibbled off. In the seventh, Garcia leaked two hits and a walk to load the bases with two outs and the #8 slot up. The Coons sent Jimmy Wallace to hit for Hall, but of course Wallace struck out. Instead, Prieto was clobbered for three base hits and two runs by the Condors in the eighth inning. From the category of pointless heroics, Justin Fowler would hit another homer off Julio San Pedro to begin the bottom of the ninth. While that was his 10th and reason to celebrate, it merely brought closer Ray Andrews on in what was now a 3-run game. Two had to get on base before anything good could happen to the Critters, and Tim Stalker hit an infield single to at least get something going. Unfortunately, that was it – Andrews had already fanned Wall, and the same fate caught up with both Zeltser and Wallace. 7-4 Condors. Fowler 3-5, 2 HR, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-4, BB, 2B; Zeltser 2-5; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

Game 2
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – SS Bunyon – P Uribe
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Bernie Chavez again had the stripes ripped off his furry face right away. Bensinger hit a soft single, Willie Ojeda hit a Wallace-sponsored single in shallow left, and then the skunk weasel ripped a 3-run homer that went right to the loins. Third in ERA last year, Cristiano? – Are you sure? – From the top or from the bottom?? (makes bum-wiping motion)

The Raccoons stranded two in the first, one in the second, and none in the third because Berto was caught stealing after hitting a single. In the fourth, Fowler hit a double and scored on Zeltser’s 2-out single to get them on board in any capacity, but it was just no good, wasn’t it? The Condors got Bensinger on base via a Zeltser error, and long drives by Sanks and Justin Williams added runs in the inning; unearned as they were, they still opened a slam-sized lead for Tijuana, and who on this ramshackle team was supposed to hit a slam? Well, if anybody it would be Fowler, but what were the chances. Miraculously, the 1-2-3 batters all reached base after Chavez fanned to begin the bottom 5th. Uribe would face Fowler with the bases loaded! …and he popped him out on the infield. Adam Avakian, as useful as a ham nailed to a barn door in Palestine, grounded out to Bensinger, stranding all three runners.

Credit, even if very little, where it’s due – after the initial onslaught Bernie Chavez pitched seven full innings without allowing another earned run and ended his day with a K to Shane Sanks on pitch #109. Salgado then led off the bottom 7th in his spot and hit a double in the left-center gap. Berto flew out, but Manny Fernandez singled to right to get the run home, and then Jimmy Wallace hit a homer that went about 430 feet to center – all of a sudden it was a 5-4 ballgame. Unfazed, Uribe fanned Fowler, then also had Avakian at 0-2 for a sorta-decent finish of his own… and then he hung one and even a bat as blind as Avakian could hit that one – right down the line, barely 340 feet, but over the fence it was all the same and tied the contest at five. Needing stingy relief and a scoreless eighth, the Coons sent for David Fernandez and looked like they’d get neither. Williams led off with a single, Jose Flores walked, and there was nobody out. Cambra popped out, but Andy Hughes pinch-hitting prompted a move to a righty. Chris Wise got two groundouts from Hughes and Juan Palbes to get out of that Fernandez-sized mess. The Coons would hit three 2-out singles in the bottom 8th with Vickers, Ramos, and Fernandez. The first runner was sent on the latter runner’s single to right, but was thrown out at home plate by Ojeda.

Ed Blair walked both Chris Murphy and the skunk weasel in the ninth and somehow wasn’t murdered by anybody for it. Williams flew out to strand the runners on the corners. Jimmy Wallace then hit a leadoff single off Josh Heckman – the tying run was on base. Fowler’s fly to shallow right-center was taken by Ojeda, but he couldn’t get Avakian’s soft line deeper in the gap, although he did get close enough to prevent any aspirations by Jimmy Wallace to reach for home plate. The Raccoons DID however have the winning run on third base, with Avakian at second, and one out for Bob Zeltser, who was walked intentionally. Stalker batted for Scheffer, up the middle, into the maws of Andy Hughes, and Wallace was cut down at home plate. Barrios then struck out in a full count, stranding ANOTHER three and rendering the whole exercise meaningless. Then came the top of the 10th, and the most ****ed-up display of baseball anyone had seen in a while. Blair was still around, but issued a leadoff single to Flores. When Cambra hit a comebacker, Blair threw it away, adding a second runner. Hughes singled to load the bases. PH Ken Hess grounded to Stalker, who had his feed to second dropped by Ramos for another error. Blair was then yanked for Garavito, who had Murphy at 2-2 before drilling him, pushing home another run. Bensinger hit into a 6-4-3 double play, plating another run, and Ojeda grounded out. All in all, the Condors had scored three free runs. As I was casually donning an oxygen mask to recline on the coach with that, Nate Hall drew a leadoff walk in the #9 hole against San Pedro in he bottom 10th. Ramos flew out to center and Fernandez hit into a fielder’s choice, but when Wallace dropped a blooper for a single, the Coons brought up Fowler with the tying run. He struck out. 8-5 Condors. Ramos 2-5, BB; M. Fernandez 3-5, BB, RBI; Wallace 5-6, HR, 2 RBI; Avakian 2-5, HR, 2B, RBI; Salgado (PH) 1-1, 2B; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

So Fowler hit two dingers in a loss on Monday, and Wallace landed five hits in a loss on Tuesday. What next? A Willes no-hitter that six errors turn into a 4-0 loss?

Can it get that bad??

Game 3
TIJ: C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – 2B Bunyon – P Driver
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes

How about a 5-spot in he first inning? Murphy walked, then advanced on a wild pitch. Bensinger hit an RBI single, Ojeda grounded out, and Sanks hit another RBI single, so far so terrible. Williams walked, there was ANOTHER wild pitch, Flores homered, and it was already 5-0. After that colossal toss-up, Willes remained in the game merely as punishment. In the end the Condors ****ed him for another four in the third inning because he was such a waste of oxygen. The ****ing skunk weasel singled. Flores singled. Run-scoring wild pitch! …bleeding into a Cambra single. 2-out RBI double from Bunyon, and a 2-run single through Avakian, the stupid ****ter, by the opposing tosser. Jason Gurney entered, walked Murphy, and somehow got an inning-ending groundout from Bensinger.

It was 9-0, the fans were openly rooting for the Condors at this point. It took Gurney six batters to throw a wild pitch, which was remarkable, but it also led to a run in the fifth, giving Flores an extra base to be singled home by Donovan Bunyon. A Chris Murphy triple would add another run in the inning, 11-0. When Jimmy Wallace singled home a run in the bottom 6th, it was unearned for a Bensinger error. The second baseman made it up to his team in the top 7th, dinging Prieto with a 2-out RBI single that plate Bunyon. Some of the mooks in the feces-colored shirts cobbled together an EARNED run in the bottom 9th, but hardly anybody was left to witness it. I for sure had long passed out at that point, with splatters of Capt’n Coma mixed with tears all over my shirt. 12-2 Condors. Zeltser 3-3, RBI; Vickers (PH) 2-3; D. Fernandez 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

There were still positives to the situation. First, Thursday was off. I was at the park only briefly, went into the team store and took a jigsaw puzzle of 1,000 pieces depicting Kevin Harenberg’s breaking into the trot upon firing the ultimately game-winning homer in Game 2 of the 2028 World Series. I wanted to remember the good times. And the young lady at the checkout wanted me to pay. I argued that I ran the whole stint here, and when she insisted, I hissed. And then I pad the 45 bucks after she called in security to molest me.

Even better yet – the team was going to be out of my side on the weekend, being sent north of the border as punishment for their naughty behavior.

Raccoons (24-27) @ Canadiens (29-24) – June 1-3, 2035

Seventh in runs scored and second in runs allowed, the damn Elks offered much the same mix as the Condors had, and how well had that gone? Both earlier series between these two teams had been sweeps; we had taken two from them in Elk City to start the season, then had been swept for three at home.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (4-4, 3.80 ERA) vs. Josh Weeks (3-6, 4.54 ERA)
Darren Brown (2-0, 0.66 ERA) vs. Joe West (5-3, 2.81 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (4-4, 4.13 ERA) vs. Steve Corcoran (3-3, 3.68 ERA)

Left, right, left. The Elks had pitchers Felipe Delgado and Denny Marsh, plus infielder D.J. Robinson on the DL.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – RF Hall – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Massey – SS E. Serrano – P Weeks

Freshly-anointed CL Hitter of the Month Justin Fowler hit an RBI double that plated Salgado in the first inning, giving del Rio a quick 1-0 lead, but before long the offensive results were less rousing. Tim Stalker hit a leadoff double in the second inning, with Nate Hall walking after that, but despite a guy at second with nobody out the Raccoons failed to score in the inning thanks to two K and a pop. That was also their last runner in scoring position until Fowler hit another double with one out in the SIXTH. Kurt Wall was walked intentionally and Stalker flew out easily, but Nate Hall landed an RBI single in centerfield, pushing the score to 2-0. Zeltser then flew out to Will Korecky in deep right. The damn Elks were still mostly idle at this point, having gotten only one base hit off del Rio through five innings, but del Rio had issued two leadoff walks. Bottom 6th, Josh Weeks hit a leadoff double around Jimmy Wallace, and del Rio walked Bobby Gonzales. Doom, palpable, testable doom. I could feel it – but I was mistaken. Michael Duryea and Jesse LeJeune both grounded out to Berto, who turned two on the catcher and needed only one more on the outfielder. Weeks was stranded at third base, but kept holding the Coons short, and the bottom 7th saw Korecky and Tomas Caraballo with leadoff singles to right. Ramon Cabral bunted, and del Rio couldn’t pull that one out of his bum either, Cabral legged out the play, and the bags were loaded with stupid Elks and with nobody out. Del Rio faced the .133 batter Micah Massey, had him at 1-2, then allowed an RBI single to left, and then was yanked. Not that this was a mess that could be saved, with the tying run scoring on Edgar Serrano’s grounder to second base, that was only good for one out. Fernando Garcia’s pinch-hit grounder was good for two, but del Rio’s lead was gone in a 2-2 game that the team was now destined to lose horribly.

Top 8th, Jordan Calderon, a rookie southpaw with more walks than innings pitched, loaded the bases with one out. Fowler walked, Wall singled, Stalker walked, and here was Nate Hall again. Hitting Rich Vickers in this spot was just too tempting. He ran a full count, struck out, and Zeltser struck out well before reaching a full count. All runners were stranded once more. The ****ing Elks scored a off Chris Wise on a simple double-double effort by Duryea and Korecky, both past Hugo Salgado in rightfield, and there it was. Doom. Down 3-2, the Raccoons faced Bryce Sudar and his 7.36 ERA in the ninth inning. That hadn’t helped us last time round in Portland and probably wouldn’t help us here, either. Adam Avakian opened in the #9 hole and singled to left. Berto doubled to right, putting the tying and go-ahead runs in scoring position. Ah, the baseball gods were lining up the most grim outcome. Probably an intentional walk next? No, Salgado walked because Sudar couldn’t find the zone while trying. Three on, no outs for Wallace, who hit a sac fly to center, but then Fowler struck out and Wall grounded out to Gonzales to strand Ramos on third base. Why… just … why… why can’t I find the fourth corner piece of this jigsaw puzzle?? Honeypaws – are you sitting on it?? … Not sitting on a W were the miserable Raccoons on the field in Elktown. Garavito staved off a loss in the bottom of the ninth, but extra innings saw Jason Gurney interact with the damn Elks in an unfavorable manner in the bottom 10th. Nick Carpenter hit a leadoff single, and after two valid tries by Bobby Gonzales and Michael Duryea to walk off the team with liners, Jesse LeJeune hit a 3-2 pitch over the wall in rightfield. 5-3 Canadiens. Fowler 2-4, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Hall 1-2, BB, RBI; Avakian 1-1;

Losing four in a row… (pieces together Kevin Harenberg’s right leg) … to the damn Elks … (bangs pieces on the table with fists to make them fit) … would never have happened with you Kevin. But this team ain’t got no … (turns the foot piece 180 degrees and it miraculously fits) … guts.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Brown
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Pohl – SS E. Serrano – P J. West

Another game, another first-inning, 2-out, extra-base, RBI knock by Justin Fowler, who reached 45 RBI by game 53 with an RBI triple cashing Jimmy Wallace, before Avakian dumbly struck out. The damn Elks started slow, but got Serrano and Gonzales to the corners before Duryea whiffed his way out to strand them in the bottom 3rd, and with the Raccoons absolutely not tacking on, I had little doubt that by the middle innings Darren Brown would be turned into dog food. As if on command, the bags were full in the bottom 4th, two outs, and Brown dropped to 3-1 on Serrano. Given his lifelong walk issues, I was dead certain he’d walk Serrano to tie the game, then West to give them an edge. Then likely a slam. Serrano flew out to Fernandez at 3-1, and the inning ended, Coons still up 1-0. Would this be the one? The game where not EVERYTHING would turn up ASS?

No. Bottom 5th, West hit a leadoff single, putting the tying run on base again, and then Kurt Wall fired Gonzales’ roller over the head of Avakian, putting the tying run on third base with nobody out. Duryea hit score-knotting sac fly, and LeJeune popped out at 3-2. Then Wall lost hold of the 2-2 to Korecky and Gonzales scored on the passed ball, solidifying my desire to be reborn as dung beetle the next time round, because I could stomach having senses any longer. Korecky walked, but was left on when Caraballo grounded out, while Manny Fernandez reached base to begin the sixth inning, but was doubled up by Wallace. That looked like it would be it. Kurt Wall was on and stranded in the seventh, and I regretted deeply that he was in Elkland and the blunderbuss was in the ballpark and I couldn’t even shoot my TV. Fowler struck out to strand Fernandez in the eighth. The ninth began with Sudar and another leadoff single by Avakian, and there was the tying run again. Wall, until then unretired with the stick, struck out. Zeltser struck out. Barrios hit for Stalker and … flew out to centerfielder Nick Carpenter. 2-1 Canadiens. Brown 6.0 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 0 ER, 4 BB, 6 K, L (2-1);

I wonder whether this jigsaw puzzle can even be finished. None of the pieces looks remotely like a snippet of the picture on the box. This one has an ice cream cone on it. I can’t find any ice cream cone in the picture on the box!!

None of this fits together, none of this makes sense.

Game 3
POR: 3B Salgado – 2B Vickers – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – SS Stalker – 1B Avakian – RF Hall – C Scheffer – P Rendon
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Pohl – SS E. Serrano – P Corcoran

Justin Fowler did not make it a 1-0 game in the first inning. He made it a 1-0 game in the third inning. Vickers doubled, Wallace singled, and the 1-out string of base knocks continued with an RBI single to right by the big winter addition that didn’t stink of socks worn six weeks straight. Stalker struck out, bringing up the winter addition that did stink of socks worn six weeks straight, and that guy grounded out easily to Cabral to end the inning. And Michael Duryea made it a tie with a simple solo homer in the bottom of the inning.

When Avakian did hit a 2-out single with two Coons aboard in the fifth inning, it bounced right into Pat Pohl’s mitten and made an attempt by Fowler to score from second base too bold a move. Instead Nate Hall inherited bases loaded and bounced out to Gonzales on the first pitch, stranding another three. The Elks also wasted two singles by their battery in the bottom 5th, but the thing that piqued my interest more was why there seemed to be one puzzle piece of the side wall behind Harenberg missing.

The damn Elks had Caraballo at second base with two outs when Pat Pohl singled to right, sharply, on the first pitch he got in the bottom 6th. Nate Hall got the ball on two bounces, but the damn Elks did send Caraballo from second base – and Hall threw him out at the plate, keeping the game tied and delaying inevitable defeat to a later point. For the time being and some false, foolish hope, Justin Fowler delivers his FOURTH go-ahead base hit of the series in the seventh inning, a solo homer off Corcoran that went outta leftfield. Avakian with two outs lifted a ball to the fence in left, but of course he was a weak of both body and soul and only made it to the warning track and bedeviled LeJeune’s mitten.

Rendon got stuck in the bottom 7th with Serrano’s leadoff single and a wild pitch that moved the tying run to second base. Garcia and Gonzales both made unhelpful outs, but Rendon lost Duryea on balls and then was lifted against the left-handed LeJeune. Garavito would see after him, entering in a double switch that replaced Stalker with Ramos at short. LeJeune fell to 1-2, then popped out. The Coons replaced Wallace with Fernandez (entering into rightfield) after the top 8th, but Nate Hall’s defensive impact was limited when Will Korecky hit a clean homer to left off Garavito, tying the game at two. The next two batters made outs before the Raccoons went back to a right-hander. Chris Wise saw Pohl ground to third base where Salgado ****ed the baseball in unspeakable ways and put the go-ahead run with the error. Pohl stole second, then scored on Serrano’s ****ty single to left. Carpenter struck out. Too little, too late. Left-hander Sean LaRue got Vickers to pop out, but Manny Fernandez hit a 1-out double in the ninth. Fowler was up next, but his fly was caught by Pohl, the disgusting little swamp rat. Kurt Wall hit for Wise. He grounded out to Cabra. 3-2 Canadiens. Vickers 2-5, 2B; Wallace 2-4; M. Fernandez 1-1, 2B; Fowler 3-5, HR, 2 RBI; Hall 2-4;

In other news

May 29 – The Indians pick up outfielder Josh Garbinski (.356, 7 HR, 18 RBI) from the Falcons, parting with CF/RF Jonathan Reyna (.408, 0 HR, 2 RBI) and a prospect.
May 30 – SFW LF/RF Doug Stross (.330, 2 HR, 7 RBI) will be out four weeks with a strained hamstring.
May 31 – WAS SP Lorenzo Viamontes (8-3, 4.06 ERA) 2-hits the Scorpions in an 8-0 shutout, and whiffs ten Sacramento players.
June 1 – The season of DEN SP Carlos Marron (0-0, 3.00 ERA) had barely begun, but now he is shut down for the year with bone chips in his elbow. The 39-year-old right-hander had signed only a week earlier with the Gold Sox.
June 1 – LAP SP Andy Palomares (3-6, 4.23 ERA) will be out for a full year with elbow ligament damage.

Complaints and stuff

$14m man Justin Fowler notched Player of the Month honors while batting .294 with 6 HR and 26 RBI. Not shabby, not shabby – especially given the personnel around him…

This week John Hennessy’s season ended with shoulder inflammation. He looked **** all year long, and maybe that was it.

That was it for the Coons at least. Another season in the bin.

Oh well. Spilled milk. Not done with the jigsaw puzzle either, but then again it’s only been a (long, dreadful) weekend (with lots of crying), and on the box it says that it takes three years and up to complete it, so I feel pretty good about myself right now.

I got bits of the fans behind Harenberg in the good seats on the sideline pieced together and there’s one that has caught my eye and that is not releasing it again. It’s a young boy of about 10, fully decked out in Raccoons gear. Cap, uniform with #42 on the chest for Matt Nunley, a glove with a Raccoons logo on his right hand. He’s in the first row and has jumped up after Harenberg has hit the go-ahead homer in Game 2 in ’28. His left fist is tightly clenched, eyes wide open, and his mouth has that “whooo!!” shape. Yes! We’re winning that game! We’re gonna be up 2-0 in the series! We’re gonna beat the Buffos! Life is good!

The Raccoons did not win a game all week long. They were outscored 37-17. They barely showed up. We’re seven off the goddamn ****ing Elks. Life is not good. That boy’s gotta be about 17 now. Does he still care? Does he still find the Raccoons “whooo!!” …?

Does anybody still find the Raccoons “whoooo!!”?

Fun Fact: The Raccoons are 0-3 in extra-inning games and 4-9 in one-run games.

I think that should imply that we’re some sort of unlucky, but I disagree. We’re ****. We’re completely, fully, and abysmally ****. Imagine the offense without Justin Fowler.

Yeah, that’s right. ****.

[Questdog]

This was the bummiest of weeks and the Raccoons have not made it any better.... Maybe they should shut down like everything else....

No March Madness, no Spring Training, no fun anymore in the world....

Because of the Raccoons I went out to meet all the people I could and shake their hand and then sniff and lick my hand....

But no one would let me shake their hand....