Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[cknox0723]

remember that busy schedule? the following is exhibit 'a' for why i typically don't stay organized enough to have a concrete schedule. sometimes, rather than you finding time, time sort of finds itself. however, we return not to the pale hose talk, but the feline talk. hope you still enjoy.

[cknox0723]

A little key: Bold-face in these charts is, like the Pale Hose, all that 'tis holy. It signifies a team leader in a category or, in the case of fielding numbers, a general asset. Easy enough, right?

DETROIT -- 2006 BATTING STATS

676 runs scored -- 24th in MLB, 9th in AL, 4th in AL Central

PLAYER		AB	AVG	OBP	SLG	OTHER
RF R. Johnson	565	.320	.386	.457	28 2B, 15 HR
LF R. White	564	.280	.324	.433	18 HR, 93 RBI
CF N. Logan	554	.296	.338	.426	29 2B, 52-65 SB, 142 (!) K
1B C. Pena	513	.242	.318	.349	23 2B, 141 K
C I. Rodriguez	496	.228	.284	.313	Gold Glove, 11 SB
3B A. Beltre	404	.223	.281	.349	blah
2B J. Spivey	403	.248	.340	.392	9 E, 112 K
INF O. Infante	377	.265	.300	.310	12 2B, 4-12 SB
SS T. Gi'atano	336	.274	.315	.369	17 2B, 16 BB, 81 K
OF W. Reynolds	193	.223	.282	.342	4th OF
OF J. Dye	152	.191	.253	.296	holy crap, that's bad!
2B J. Alfaro	105	.257	.280	.340	nah, don't like that

TEAM TOTALS	pi 	.253	.309	.359	bunting time!
LEAGUE AVERAGES	---	.252	.312	.383	insert joke here

I had plans for a second snazzy chart, but it will have to wait another post, because the Tigers didn't lose a single batsman and signed only Proven Game-Caller (TM) A.J. Hinch, and he to a minor league deal. Whatever. Makes my life easier.

Fine by me, too, because it means the Detroit club will have to scratch and claw for every single run for a second straight year. The flaws of your garden-variety mismanaged club still remain -- a lack of plate discipline and a lack of power. Without any budding stars in the lineup, things could be even worse this year. Why?

For one, backstop Ivan Rodriguez is a year older at age 35. I don't know that it's physically possible for him to drop off of last year's .596 OPS, but Mike Piazza did, after all. Left fielder Rondell White is the same age and reversed two years of declining numbers with his solid effort last year. I wouldn't expect him to do it again, but I've long been a fan of Mr. White and his frighteningly quick bat, so we'll see.

No one else in the lineup has an obvious flaw in the age column, but nor do any of the projected starters look like candidates for a breakout season, either. Wonderfully named centerfielder Nook Logan is at that mythical age, 27, but his 2006 numbers give off the malodorous stench that he's already busted out. And, indeed, his batting average and OBP jumped a few dozen percentage points, and his slugging some 70-plus. Consider his woeful, woeful thirty-three walks to 142 strikeouts and a lack of power. I can't see someone with that sort of profile consistently hitting over .300 or anywhere close to it.

There are, however, a lot of things I haven't been able to see. Reed Johnson hitting .320? A year after he hit .252? Come on, now, this is a .265 career hitter we're talking about here!

Oops. But, uh, what are the odds he does it again?

And while we're still on the subject...shortstop Tony Giarratano. Rule 5 pick last season, toolsy shortstop with little power beyond the two-base hit and little experience above AA. He hit .274 with a .369 slugging percentage, just below the league-average -- while playing a fine shortstop. We spent the year dicking around with Julio Lugo, who might not have had a .274 on-base percentage. If this were a Moneyball simulator, I would throw a chair right now. Or fire a scout.

I could kick around the rest of the possibilities for this Detroit outfit in '07 -- A. Beltre rebounding, J. Spivey at second, O. Infante at second, Ty Wigginton playing somewhere, Chris Shelton grabbing 300 at-bats. But, at the end of the day, you'd have read hundreds of words essentially telling you what the handy-dandy little chart already did. The Tigers couldn't score runs last year, and they won't score runs this year, names and specific numbers be damned. Often in trying to project specific performances and trying to know exactly what will happen when of course we can't, we lose sight of simpler self-evident truths that we can rely on.

For now, the ineptitude of the Detroit offense is one of those simpler truths. I need not have wasted however many words I've written to explain that; it's probably obvious and, dare I say it, but definitely beautiful, in some karmic sense. So, though I've written hundreds of words, and keep adding to that with every keystroke, I'll call it 'dozens' and leave it at that. It's appropriate; the Tigers are in the same boat. They'll score hundreds of runs; over one hundred and sixty-two games, you can't help but score hundreds of runs. But it may as well be dozens.

[gordyhulten]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

if i ever get back to the baseball talk, that is. but, hey, every post like this moves me up a half spot on the 2005 dynasty countdown, right? i know, i am a sly, sly dog!

Wait. Is the Dynasty countdown still going on? I thought he stopped after me...

[hint, hint]

[Mike D]

Good stuff as always ck. I took a couple of days sabatical from OT and OOTP boards, but I came back today to see if I missed anything. Gold man. Thanks for helping inspire me to write up a dynasty.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Mike D

Good stuff as always ck. I took a couple of days sabatical from OT and OOTP boards, but I came back today to see if I missed anything. Gold man. Thanks for helping inspire me to write up a dynasty.

thanks, mike. hope that is a precursor of things to come; i'd definitely be interested in any dynasty you were to write, not to mention seeing joe borchard and jeremy reed prove me wrong somewhere.

Originally Posted by gordyhulten

Wait. Is the Dynasty countdown still going on? I thought he stopped after me...

[hint, hint]

if it was my countdown, i would have! but you know that.

thanks, as always.

[cknox0723]

Isn't it funny how even the worst teams have both batters and pitchers? How much worse off would they really be by forgoing one or the other? And you can't beat efficiency like that. What's not to like?

P.S. - Bold-face type denotes starting pitchers, since they boldly face the opposition, while relievers not named Joe Roa or P.J. Bevis do not, and deserve nothing of the sort.

2006 DETROIT TIGERS PITCHING STATS

716 runs allowed - 16th in MLB, 10th in AL, 4th in AL Central

PLAYER		IP	H	BB	K	ERA	OTHER
R. Harden	224	174	87	196	3.01	9 HRA; he good!!
M. Redman	202	197	43	129	3.83	.543/.713 OPS vs. LH/RH
I. Valdes	157.2	160	39	89	3.88	For $842K, not bad
*E. DuBose	113.2	131	29	75	5.17	7-2, 2.40 elsewhere
J. Suppan	111	118	36	70	5.19	4.28 ERC.  Que?
N. Cruz		his stats refuse to line up, confirming how f*cking awful he is	
F. Rodney	71.1	61	31	80	2.78	31-36 SV (TM)
*B. Perez	69.2	74	37	46	4.01	3.79 ERA in ARI.  Hmmm!
J. Brower	68.1	65	25	46	3.95	2.66 ERA in Sept. mop-up
T. Tucker	66.1	63	27	55	3.53	awful with men on base
J. Cressend	65	74	23	34	4.85	34 K?  balata ball?
J. Jones	60.1	78	26	26	5.67	Rule 5 pick

PRORATED TOTALS	100	99	32	70	4.01	what edit? ;)
LEAGUE AVERAGES	100	97	31	75	3.85	comparable

* - has five points. Also denotes the veteran DuBose being involved in a trade deadline swap last season with the equally hopeless Snakes for the younger, cheaper Perez. Interestingly, a playoff appearance this season from Arizona is not completely farfetched, from my view. Their acquisition of a veteran arm a year ahead of time would, then, be a textbook example of prescience.

I still can't debut my brilliant second chart because the goddamned Tigers didn't change the composition of this staff at all except for signing Ryan Vogelsong to some pittance of a contract, and I don't want to talk about him. Nor do I really want to talk about anyone else; Rich Harden is good, the rest of the rotation is made up of various waiver pickups and trade acquisitions, none of whom would be more than a fifth starter on a decent team. Hell, I don't know if any of them but Redman would be fifth starter on the Pale Hose! The bullpen is centered around Fernando Rodney, an oddly named Dominican native who can bring the cheddar. The other relievers, like me, burn the cheddar in the microwave, and perform demonstrably worse. How much worse? I couldn't say; I don't think it really matters.

Merely looking at the number of pitchers used last year by Detroit tells you plenty. 18 men logged 20 or more innings, the vast majority marked by mediocre control, an uninspiring strikeout rate, and more hits than innings pitched. When those numbers are attached to pitchers in their mid-twenties and early thirties, case closed. Detroit won't win until they break the cookie-cutter mold of swapping lousy pitcher for lousy pitcher.

However, I think it runs deeper than that. Note in the chart the performances of Messrs. DuBose and Perez, both of whom pitched significantly better in Arizona. That's just a hiccup of small sample size, but part of me can't help but think that there might be something there. Allie Reynolds' Disease -- pitching better for a good team and worse for a bad team -- it's probably a myth, once you filter out factors like defense that would actually lower a pitcher's numbers on a poorer team. But psychologically speaking, maybe there is something to it, just as there is purportedly a beast called "clubhouse chemistry" on overachieving teams. If players really do tend to ebb and flow with the quality of their teammates, then this Detroit team has the momentum of a runaway freight train, and hell if I knew how to slow down their descent into the pitch blackness of 100-loss seasons. Someday, they'll figure out a way out and begin that long, arduous climb back to the bright lights and near-sellout crowds of respectability. Someday.

[cknox0723]

There is no hope in this world for the Tigers, at least not this year. The union of their present outfit and any success in the future, then, will be contingent on the talent in their minor league system, but that cupboard is mostly bare, too.

Like the Pale Hose, the Felines purport to have a top pitching prospect in AAA, but unlike Chris Scarborough, Jon Connolly doesn't have a pedigree that screams out in favor of future stardom. The scouts are still crowing, and a scoreless two and-a-third inning cup of coffee last September looks nice, but rare is the staff ace who only struck out six batters per nine innings in the minor leagues. But that's Connolly. Not all is bleak; the short, slight lefty's control record shows that he has near-uncanny pitch precision, but were there ever a group of young pitchers where that was common, it's the soft-tossing lefty. I like the 23 year old more than I like most every other pitcher with a 22-24 minor league ledger, but he's an injury-plagued year away from becoming an afterthought.

That 2006 Rule 5 pick Justin Jones holds a premium slot on Detroit's list of top prospects speaks volumes about the system's depth beyond Connolly, volumes that I will mercifully not add to. The only other names of interest in the system at this time are 23 year old outfielder Wes Bankston and shortstop Russ Christensen, one year removed from high school ball in the literal hotbed of Florida.

Bankston, acquired from Tampa at last season's trade deadline for dime-a-dozen catcher Max St. Pierre, has obvious power, walloping 89 home runs his last three seasons in the low minors. He's consistently drawn 70 walks a year, and fanned just 76 times last season after reaching triple digits in whiffs the previous two seasons. Something tells me that doesn't mean anything, though, and Detroit management agrees, having tabbed Bankston for another year at single-A. Whether it's the middling .260 to .280 batting averages, his weak skillset outside of the batter's box, or something else entirely is a question I can't answer.

Christensen, the eleventh overall pick last season, had an inauspicious 282 at-bat pro debut, hitting just .234 with a .294 slugging percentage, but even then, there are positive signs. Thanks to a healthy 45 walks, his OBP was a respectable .335. One-sixth of his hits were two-baggers, portending well for future power development. Russ stole 20 bags; perhaps not at the best rate, being thrown out seven times, but that can be polished up. Finally, he still draws rave reviews for his defense. Jeter struggled at age 18. So did Renteria. I don't know if Christensen has the same skillset as the former, but he could certainly become the latter. He's only in A-ball. Give him time.

That seems to be the organization's mantra top to bottom, though, to wait and see. They're on a sadly predictable and unoriginal path; I'd bet dollars to donuts that their first round pick, number seven overall in this June's amateur draft, will be spent on a high schooler like Chris Young or Earl Alexander. Maybe this strategy will pay off in a few years, but I absolutely hate the idea of forgoing the present in the meantime, or at least not doing something different. The value of a minor league slugger like Eric Munson or a journeyman like Raul Gonzalez is marginal, but surely it's better than trotting out the same old tired guys, right? It's quite telling that I've not come up with a single brilliantly witty nickname for a Tiger. Management's done nothing interesting, shuffling around replacement-level talent for replacement-level talent, and how many different ways can I really call a spade a spade? They don't care enough to do anything interesting; I'll respond in kind. Apathy for apathy. It's as good a move as any they've made recently.

Put 'Em Down For...65-97, 5th place

[cknox0723]

It seems strange to move from the hapless Felines to the considerably less hapless Twins. I will forever associate their 2006 season with failed expectations, but their supposed failure was mostly due to my own irrationality about their club's chances. But nicknames for Julio Lugo and Jeremy Reed were also born out of that irrationality, so I don't have any desire to discuss that. Rather, I'd like to try to ascertain why I was so irrationally optimistic about this club last season, and whether there's anything to learn out of their failure.

Ben Sheets is a good man to start with. I saw his gaudy 17-8 record in 2005 and a pretty typical rate of hits to innings pitched and expected his 240 innings of 2.80 ERA ball to carry over. Instead, he allowed 242 hits in 219 innings and handed out home runs, as the saying goes, like condoms at a high school. His sparkling strikeout-to-walk ratio didn't change, but his ERA sure did, jumping to 4.23. Haphazard run support left him with an 8-12 ledger, and instead of a Mark Buehrle type, the Twins had themselves an average-at-best performance. That's a half-dozen Win Share difference, minimum.

The mantle of staff ace, a must-have for most every winning team, felt solely on Barry Zito's shoulders, then, and he was up to the task -- until he got hurt. Minnesota was 24-22 when Zito went on the disabled list on May 25th. He was activated on the last day of June, at which point the Twins were...a game over .500. So much for that.

But there may be a point there. How long can you tread water and expect things to improve? How long can you say that Joe Mauer's young and hit .292 in 2005, so of course he's not a .210 hitter? How long can you allow Alex Cintron's defensive reputation to supercede his rather poor numbers at the keystone defensive spot? Cintron's ordinary numbers coupled next to the statue that is Michael Cuddyer may have played as big a part in the struggles of Sheets, Ted Lilly, and Darren Dreifort as anything. Hell, Cuddyer, who wouldn't know a backhand if it slapped him in the face, still somehow managed to make 30 errors! Thirty! That's not a flaw or a weakness; it's a festering wound.

The Twins were an odd consortium of good and bad. On the one hand, you have the brilliant Alex Cintron trade of early July, picking up a two-time All-Star for a replaceable right-side of the defensive spectrum bat in Ryan Shealy and an ordinary hair-cutting pitching prospect named Javier LaBarbera. On the other hand, this club did nothing at the trade deadline despite being within shouting distance of first place, watching as Cleveland beefed up the bullpen and responding in kind by...waiving Darren Dreifort. You have a lineup brimming with good hitters, Cuddyer and Corey Koskie and Torii Hunter and Cintron, yet they only place fourteenth in the league in run scoring, only scoring 60-some runs more than the Pale Hose! A fantastic bullpen, an ace for twenty-nine starts in Zito, and a respectable rotation otherwise, full of relatively young, relatively notable names. 714 runs allowed, 15th in the league. It can't be as simple as my having overrated this team. Looking at it now, I still think this team should have won four hundred games! There is something here below the surface that caused a big, malignant mess.

And I know what it is. They weren't clutch.

Go ahead, laugh. Then consider this:

LeCroy, 87, .244. Hunter, 79, .228. Ford, 56, .214. Walker, 68, .206. Mauer, 65, .185. Bartlett, 50, .140.

Those aren't those players' bowling averages, but their batting numbers and at-bat totals in close and late situations last season. The same splits aren't available for pitchers, but I am undoubtably f*cking certain that they would bear out the same thing. Debate the merits of clutchness all you want; it's undeniable that there is such a beast as a clutch situation. Joe Carter may not have been a "clutch RBI machine", but did he ever try to disprove that with one swing of the bat on October 23, 1993. The Twins spent last year trying to do the same, just like 29 other teams, and more often than not, they failed. Make of that what you will.

[Jestor]

You've gotten a lot more poetic and powerful in your prose, Craig

It makes an already great dynasty even better.

I especially like the LaBarbera line and the bowling averages comment.

BTW, Lack of Run Support is Ben Sheets' three Mexican last names IRL and apparently in this universe, too. It's sad to see.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Jestor

You've gotten a lot more poetic and powerful in your prose, Craig

It makes an already great dynasty even better.

I especially like the LaBarbera line and the bowling averages comment.

BTW, Lack of Run Support is Ben Sheets' three Mexican last names IRL and apparently in this universe, too. It's sad to see.

thanks, moung. high praise indeed, especially considering the source. i think my writing's improved, too, and even if i get nothing else out of this...

but i still have a good time writing it. so i'm glad that some peeps are still reading.

[seth70liz76]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

but i still have a good time writing it. so i'm glad that some peeps are still reading.

Not just reading, but anticipating, Craig.

[ifspuds]

Reading along religiously. I worship at the altar of the Pale Hose.

Which might explain the dark clouds and lightning bolts, come to think of it...

[canadiancreed]

Originally Posted by ifspuds

Reading along religiously. I worship at the altar of the Pale Hose.

Which might explain the dark clouds and lightning bolts, come to think of it...

I figured that was your typical OR weather

[cknox0723]

Tell me again why these guys couldn't win?

2006 MINNESOTA TWINS PITCHING STATS

714 runs allowed -- 15th in MLB, 9th in AL, 3rd in AL Central

PLAYER		IP	H	BB	K	ERA	OTHER
K. Lohse	220	223	44	121	3.85	more vanilla than Ice
B. Sheets	219	242	27	167	4.23	it was DIPS.  so what?
B. Zito		193	156	59	161	2.75	1.42 ERA in May and Sept
T. Lilly	120	117	32	82	4.43	uh-oh -- falling K rates
P. Feliciano	115.1	94	51	72	3.20	a ton of IP!!!
D. Dreifort	109	136	34	87	4.30	give him $55 million
A. Fultz	98.1	94	38	68	3.48	Super-LOOGY -- The Ride!
D. Waechter	82.2	76	39	57	4.14	their Jon Rauch
J. Crain	72.1	59	39	77	3.24	the new Percival
J. Rincon	68	64	25	43	2.91	The Vulture scavenged 3
J. Nathan	64.2	60	19	59	3.48	no more (TM) :-(
A. Johnson	24	27	17	12	7.50	super size me, Adam
N. Cotts	5.1	7	2	4	5.06	so what, right? heh. ;)

PRORATED TOTALS	100	98	31.5	73	3.88	yes, half a walk
LEAGUE AVERAGES	100	97	31	75	3.85	neat, eh?  compare away!

Prorated totals -- look at this world we live in! Amazing what you can do with modern technology!

OK, enough basking in my own Spring Glory, here's the much-anticipated debut of chart #2:

IN

RP F. Beltran (27 yrs old)
231 career IP/5.34 ERA
Acquired off waivers from CHC

RP S. Linebrink (age 30)
0.54 ERA in 16.2 IP, 4.39 career ERA
Signed from TB - 3 yrs, $4.2 million

OUT

SP B. Zito (age 29)
193 IP, 2.75 ERA
Signed with CHC - 5 yrs, $50+ million

RP P. Feliciano (age 30)
115 IP, 3.20 ERA
Signed with NYY - 4 yrs, $10 million

RP A. Johnson (does his age really matter?)
the worst 24 innings EVER
Flippin' burgers

Well, isn't that neat? Two charts about says it all, huh? An average staff last year, mostly due to the back end of the rotation, and damned if they'll be able to improve on that this year.

A healthy pitching staff allowed the Twins to rest on their pitching staff pretty comfortably last season, and the bullpen was crisp like mountain air besides. Hard for the bed to be made up that perfectly two years in a row without a woman in sight.

And to soil things further...this year, they don't have Barry Zito, that warm, comfortable waterbed. Just don't poke a hole in it! They don't have Pedro Feliciano, that king-sized mattress lying in the bullpen closet. Instead, they have Neil Cotts. Plain, thin, pasty white, itchy-as-hell Cotts, who fell out of Chicago's dirty laundry hamper a year and a half ago and wasn't missed.

And you say I need sleep, Gordy.

[gordyhulten]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

here's the much-anticipated debut of chart #2:

Wow. That was worth the wait.

Originally Posted by cknox0723

A healthy pitching staff allowed the Twins to rest on their pitching staff pretty comfortably last season, and the bullpen was crisp like mountain air besides. Hard for the bed to be made up that perfectly two years in a row without a woman in sight.

And to soil things further...this year, they don't have Barry Zito, that warm, comfortable waterbed. Just don't poke a hole in it! They don't have Pedro Feliciano, that king-sized mattress lying in the bullpen closet. Instead, they have Neil Cotts. Plain, thin, pasty white, itchy-as-hell Cotts, who fell out of Chicago's dirty laundry hamper a year and a half ago and wasn't missed.

And you say I need sleep, Gordy.

But this - this - is friggin' hilarious.

Keep up the great work, Craig. Why don't you stay up late tonight and develop chart #3?

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by gordyhulten

Wow. That was worth the wait.

perhaps you prefer a giant tomato? i couldn't use the nifty strikethrough function on that, though!

Originally Posted by gordyhulten

But this - this - is friggin' hilarious.

Keep up the great work, Craig. Why don't you stay up late tonight and develop chart #3?

thanks! a pique of inspiration, i guess. i didn't think it was too bad, either, and i'm usually my own toughest critic.

chart #3 - finally, an eye chart i can read.

appreciate the kind words from the rest of you folks as well. keep 'em comin', even amidst dark clouds and lightning bolts. hopefully today (or tomorrow) will be a sunny day. it looks pretty nice out here in VA this morning.

[cknox0723]

Perhaps offsetting the itchy Cotts that the Twins have at the major league level are the clean white sheets neatly folded up in the minor leagues. A troika of pitching prospects have a veritable chance at making an impact at the major league level at some point this season.

25 year old J.D. Durbin, a skinny right-hander with a power slider, stepped out from the shadows of a rather ordinary minor league career with a blindingly bright 2.39 ERA in 128 innings at AAA Rochester last season. Pedestrian strikeout and walk rates show that scouts' disdain for him may hold some water, but anybody that wins 10 of 13 decisions at the minor leagues' highest level deserves some notice.

Lanky 24 year old Scott Tyler has a similar profile to Durbin, but with two distinct differences. His 15-win 2006 at AA New Britain was backed up by a strong 177 to 39 strikeout to walk rate, but despite that, he'll remain a level lower than Durbin for another year. Regardless, the scouts and I both like his chances for major league success.

Southpaw Frankie Liriano is a combination of the previous two prospects, if you can imagine that. His middling minor league numbers are reminiscent of Durbin's pre-2006, but the bird dogs love this kid as much as Tyler. Even with a checkered injury history and a rather ordinary performance record, I can see why. Lefties who touch 95 on the radar gun and add in a 12-to-6 hook are in short supply. Liriano could go apesh*t on the league and win Rookie of the Year, or he could get hurt and end up logging innings at A-ball for a fourth consecutive year. I'll split the difference and say that his head will explode, leaving a curious dilemna for whoever's unlucky enough to have to clean it up.

Aside from those three, the system is threadbare, particularly among the position players. There are a handful of OK outfield prospects scattered between the top two levels, but Denard Span and Jason Kubel are both toolsy types that usually aren't worth a whole lot unless they hit .300, and neither has to this point. 24 year old AA outfielder Garrett Guzman wields heavier lumber than either of those two, having increased his home run output the last three seasons from 18 to 28 to 33, but don't buy up his rookie cards just yet. With middling plate discipline, outfield defense reminiscent of Ben Grieve, and the hefty total of exactly zero at-bats above A-ball, I suspect it would be wise to throw caution to the wind. Many a minor league masher has failed to make an impact at the highest level.

I wonder what Guzman's nickname would be on the other side of the pond. Some clicking around here, and I think I've come up with something. Oni-sama seems like a good fit, and it's a hell of a nickname besides. What does it mean? "Esteemable ogre."

Plenty of amateur catchers fail to amount to much as well, as new Pale Hose third baseman Eric Munson well knows. Nevertheless, Minnesota invested a first round pick in collegian Nick Davis last year, only to watch him respond with a .341 OBP and .362 slugging percentage in his pro debut. But more troubling is that he looks as much a catcher as Bob Horner, an ogre if there ever was one. But, hell, the draft is a crapshoot anyway, right?

Sounds good to me. But when Minnesota's shooting crap in three years because they couldn't develop more than two or three half-decent players, don't say I didn't warn 'em.

[cknox0723]

This was, in retrospect, as average a team as you'll find. How's that work again?

PLAYER		AB	AVG	OBP	SLG	OTHER
LF S. Stewart	618	.304	.366	.416	32 2B, 98 R
CF T. Hunter	602	.262	.305	.445	Spidy is the prototypical Twin
1B M. LeCroy	560	.241	.293	.446	37 2B, but at first, so what?
3B C. Koskie	551	.292	.378	.486	37 2B, 93 RBI
"2B" M. Cuddyer	544	.276	.362	.447	his defense makes me squeamish
C J. Mauer	515	.212	.289	.291	wow; just...wow.
RF L. Walker	459	.233	.337	.320	in his twilight; in AAA in '07
SS J. Bartlett	376	.263	.297	.388	22 SB from Jayback
OF L. Ford	247	.275	.358	.381	their Raul Gonzalez
SS A. Cintron	239	.280	.336	.418	Cristian's Curse at SS in MIN?
SS C. McGehee	157	.236	.259	.274	5 BB, 45 K; thanks, Rule 5!!
OF J. Rabe	92	.283	.353	.337	OF's are best crop in frigid MN
C R. Bowen	81	.321	.337	.407	not that good, but nor is Mauer

TEAM TOTALS	-33	.253	.317	.382	lame OBP, right?
LEAGUE AVERAGES	600	.252	.312	.383	maybe not so much

IN

1B B. Fullmer (who will never have a nickname of any kind)
304 AB - .234 avg, .316 obp, .388 slg (it seemed worse, right?)
Signed from HOSE - 5 yrs, $7 million (gah!  5 years?!)

2B J. "Deputy Dog" Thurston (27 years old)
425 AB - .245 avg, .290 obp, .346 slg, 30 SB
Signed from MIL - 4 yrs, $4 million

LF C. Lee (30 yrs old)
566 AB over the last two years - .329 avg, .387 obp, .655 slg, 43 2B, 45 HR
Signed from COL - 4 yrs, $38 million

RF E. Byrnes (age 31)
475 AB, .255 avg, .317 obp, .448 slg, 47 2B
Signed from OAK - 3 yrs, $12 million

OUT

1B M. LeCroy (32 yrs old)
560 AB, .241 avg, .293 obp, .446 slg
Signed by NYM (to catch!) - 4 yrs, $8 million

LF S. Stewart (33 yrs old)
618 AB, .304 avg, .366 obp, .416 slg
Signed by CLE (those dogs!) - 3 yrs, $16 million

Oh. Is that all, then? I've no idea how to make sense of that, but let's give it a go anyway.

Joe Mauer's the natural guy to start with. How often does a 23 year old drop nearly 200 points in OPS over the course of one season? For a pitcher, you can easily attribute a sophomore slump to an undiagnosed injury, or the league catching up to a funky delivery. But a hitter? Has Mauer cracked under the weight of the adulation of an entire state? It's a good an explanation as any. I've no idea how he'll perform this year, but I want to find out now. Don't you???

The names and faces around Quick-Swing McMauer might have changed, but I think the only one of real importance is the burly Panamanian Carlos Lee. Rather than discuss him, though, I'll point you to an article from a Panamianian newspaper made at least slightly hilarious by Google's translator:

link

Carlos the Lees has not had the beginning of season who waited for the Average White of Chicago, but their chain of unstoppable, combined to the good offensive average in the last week, seems to be signals that "the Horse" will take the step.

TECNICOS SPEAK
"He is right to give something him of time", said the director of the Average White, Ozzie Guillén, to the Chicago Tribune. "All we know that Carlos Lee can do it (work) in the plate".

With gust of wind of 12 games giving of "hit" its average has increased in more than 40 points, besides to be towing races.

"it has been rate, synchronization and something of confidence with he himself, and now we have seen that this is coming", it honored the instructor of batting of the Average White, Greg Walker.

The technician commented that it is difficult that the fans assimilate that a player of the Great Leagues, with good seasons previously, has confidence problems.

Added to this, it needed that it does not put much to him taken care of to this situation, because the players must battle every year with the confidence.

However, Walker needed that the main problem with Lee, like with the rest of the alignment, is that they try to do more than what they can when they are in the plate.

Nevertheless, the work of the last days of Carlos Lee, aims at that it is recovering the rate, the synchronization and the confidence of which Walker speaks.

Best international agency AFP chose to the Panamanian like one of the Latins of the last week.

Lee would be a hell of a bargain of he slugged .655 over 600 at-bats this year. But something tells me he will battle with the confidence and try to do more than what he can in the plate. Call it a hunch.

I can't fault the Twins for much that they've done. Adding a player like Joe Thurston doesn't mean much in the end, but it strengthens a weak spot. You can't help but nod in agreement with moves like that. While I'm less enthusiastic about the marginal utility of additions like Brad Fullmer and Eric Byrnes, there's no doubt that this team is full of ballplayers, not just guys trying to hang-on.

Nonetheless, this is still a one-dimensional offense reliant on the two and four base-hits, and isn't an offense like that bound to underperform? And yet...two-time All-Star Alex Cintron is penciled in as the eight hitter. Carlos Lee has hit 45 home runs in his last 600 at-bats. Taken on their own, tidbits like that will convince you that this team is on their way to a division title.

But, just like last year, the picture is more complicated, like this. Clutch hitting probably won't bring the Twins down again, since there's no predictability in it, but I feel safe in saying that something will. It's like trying to predict the weather. Maybe the clouds won't come in the same pattern as the weatherman thinks...but odds are, they'll darken the sky eventually.

I won't again make the mistake of looking solely at the sunny side of Minnesota's possible range of outcomes. After all, the sun only shines for four hours a day in Minnesota. Right? The clouds are going to darken this team's 2007.

Put 'Em Down For... 78 wins, same as last year

[Jestor]

I hate the Twins.

I bought a new White Sox hat and shirt today.

Go Pale Hose!

[ifspuds]

Don't you mean go Average White of Chicago?

[Jestor]

Originally Posted by ifspuds

Don't you mean go Average White of Chicago?

I think we have a new nickname for the Pale Hose or should we just go ahead and start saying the Average White?

Edit: Then again, with how bad this team is, they still have a long way to go before they can even think of aspiring to being the Average White.

[cknox0723]

i am in a rush here as i go on the radio in...10 minutes, but i will say that i thought the same thing about how we're a long ways off from being the average white of chicago. now, without further adieu (or rambling)...

[cknox0723]

Ever go to a game and see a player that's on a completely different level vis-â-vis everyone else on the ballfield? You don't see it on the pro level much except for the greats. Randy Johnson's perfect game, for example. Something like that brings back memories of Little League, where one kid defeats an entire team single-handedly. 1 versus 9, and the Lone Ranger wins. In no other sport can that happen.

I got to see that on August fourth last year at the hometown ballpark. The Lakewood BlueClaws have been the bottom-feeders of the Low-A South Atlantic League for going on five years now, but this guy, I'm convinced, would have been hitting ropes off Messr. Johnson the way he was swinging the bat that night. Scarcely had my buddy and I settled in after the national anthem before Mr. Moss had clubbed the first pitch over the right field fence to give the visiting Green Jackets the lead. Most striking was not the distance of the blast, but how hard it was hit, clearing the wall before Mr. Moss had rounded first base. Second at-bat, third inning, first pitch...same thing. CRACK! Less emphatic, but every bit as much a long ball. By the time Moss was digging in for his third at-bat in the fifth or sixth inning, my compadre and I were scrambling out of our seats, just about going nuts, wondering "Who the f*ck is that and how big does the baseball look in his world?" We may have been the only ones. Lakewood, NJ is not exactly known for its passion for baseball.

Moss lined out to center that third time up, but that's almost besides the point. There's not a whole lot that can compare to wondering "Who the hell is that, and how in the name of the Lord can he do those things on a ballfield?" Some guys just need a bigger ballfield to contain them, because mere mortals don't hit .350 and drive in 100 runs in the Sally League at the age of 21. Mere mortals don't hit two home runs on the first two pitches they see in batting practice, let alone in a live ballgame. I don't have much faith in my scouting abilities, and I'm not a betting man, but I'd still wager a lot that Brandon Moss is going to become a star. So's this guy:

YEAR/LEVEL	IP	H	BB	K	ERA
2006, A		47.1	28	7	38	2.47
2006, AA	74.1	48	17	74	2.54

Mere mortals don't allow 48 hits in 74 innings. Mere mortals don't strike out 112 and walk 24 at the age of 21. Isn't it amazing what a line of numbers can tell you? This kid's going to be a stud.

Want to hear the best part? He's property of the Pale Hose. After a year of misery, a year that contained a 24-run loss, countless leads blown and thousands (yes, thousands) of runners stranded, nothing brings a bigger smile to my face than dreaming the world on a tall, lanky righthander from Virginia with a megawatt fastball, an electric changeup, and the poise to match. Nothing would delight me more than uttering those five beautiful words..."Who the f*ck is that?"

And now, I finally have that chance.

[BadluckinOOTP]

What about Butner? The hotshot reliever you drafted. How did he do?

So Jestor's a White Sox fan huh? Well, all those years of torture must of caused him to burst. I'll pick up the posting slack that Jestor's leaving here in the thread. It's a promise!

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by BadluckinOOTP

What about Butner? The hotshot reliever you drafted. How did he do?

you have no idea how happy this question made me. it is the dynasty writer's dream to get questions about players in their league. my banana dances for you.
here are the stats for the south carolina alum:

YEAR/LEVEL	IP	H	BB	K	ERA	SV
2006, A		15	4	6	12	0.00	10
2006, AA	23	19	16	23	4.70	12

as you can see, the now-22 year old was indescribably dominant over the kiddies down at a-ball. an aside: how freakin' awesome is it that both of our prospects are youthful collegians as opposed to 23 or 24 years of age? oh, the upside!! i'm slightly worried about his control but southpaws that touch three digits on the radar gun are in short supply. his spring training outing did nothing to dispel my fears, but for now i am still blinded by his upside. pray for his left arm, though.

thanks again for the question!

Originally Posted by BadluckinOOTP

So Jestor's a White Sox fan huh? Well, all those years of torture must of caused him to burst. I'll pick up the posting slack that Jestor's leaving here in the thread. It's a promise!

can't think of a ridiculous joke to make so i will simply say that i do hope jestor returns soon.

well, that was sort of like an update, only with less capital letters, but i'll throw in another one, too, less influenced by e.e. cummings. nothing happens, but i kinda like it anyway. wouldn't that sort of be influenced by cummings, too?

[cknox0723]

One of my many infirmities is a tendency to expect far too much out of everyone around me. I do think it's better than having incredibly low expectations, but it's not healthy to be constantly disappointed, either.

Exacerbating that is a memory plagued by the recency effect. The two go hand-in-hand, I suppose, and when it comes to my interpersonal relationships, maybe it's not so bad. After all, why be forced to find solace in amicable acts of weeks past? Shouldn't those you dare to call friends make you feel like a million bucks all the time, or at least more than once in a while?

I don't know; I'm not a psychologist and I don't even play one in the classroom. But I do know that both of those aspects of my personality can be applied to the analysis of baseball players. For once, though, this isn't just one of my quirks, though it was on display in full force in our most recent exhibition affair. No, this is something that you and I and especially the talking heads on the radio are guilty of. But it's funnier when applied to the Pale Hose, or so I hope.

I entered this third and final spring training match of 2006 with my head, predictably enough, still in the clouds, filled with visions of a lanky first round pick from Virginia dazzling last year's runner-up for World Champion. Never mind that it was the Cubbies' B-Squad, and never mind that it was only spring training besides. Just as I still hold onto the small chance that my own Ruth Graham won't end up ripping my friggin' heart out thanks to a traveling hypnotist, I also refuse to consider the possibility that Chris Scarborough will be anything but a star.

Even though there's no such thing as a pitching prospect, particularly when he's regarded as injury 'prone', I couldn't help but see Chris Scarborough as our franchise's savior. Even though he's still just a kid with one half-year of pro ball under his belt, I see the Pale Hose in the World Series someday, led by the number three overall pick in 2006. Even though I'd never seen him pitch, I've been certain beyond all shadow of a doubt that we have a supernova ready to EXPLODE on the big leagues.

Well, I finally got the chance to see him pitch with this final spring training game.

And from the very moment he stepped on the mound, my idiosyncratic mind started f*cking around with every notion I'd associated with one Christopher Scarborough.

[cknox0723]

I had that feeling in my stomach. Some would call it butterflies -- part nervous energy, part confidence, knowing that things are going to be resolved soon one way or the other. I get it before a big test. I used to get it back when I actually played ball, too, specifically when I pitched.

Someone else apparently knows that feeling, too. Someone you might remember.

The top of the first frame of our third and final exhibition game went quick for our lads, as Chicago southpaw Jon Switzer set us down one, two, three. And third sacker Brendan Harris dug in to start the bottom half against our man, the gem of our system and the supernova ready to explode on the league, Chris Scarborough.

First pitch, fastball, up in his eyes for a ball. The second, delivered quickly, confidently, but in the dirt. Two and oh. Out of the box for a moment steps Harris, glancing down towards third. A tug of the helmet, a swing of the feet, and a few swipes of the air and he's ready. Our moundsman's still not, though -- ready for the game, that is. Fastball up near the chin. It'd be a hell of a brushback pitch in the right situation. That wasn't what Chris Scarborough was aiming for, though.

You know those moments where you see someone losing their sanity for a spell, and you want to say something to them, but you can't quite figure out what? That's what I felt right there. I wanted to push a visit mound button; I wanted to tell this 6'7" kid -- kid -- that it'd be all right, that his future didn't depend on this one start. Three pitches, I know, but this kid looked ready to crack. Instead, he stood out on that mound in Mesa, Arizona, sun beating down on the clay, dirt, and rubber of the pitcher's mound, alone, miles removed in size, skill, and stature from everyone else in the organization. 90% of the guys in our orgnaization won't ever make the money that Chris Scarborough's already made. The other 10% have accomplished a hell of a lot more in pro ball. How can a 21 year old guy who's never seen that much money in his life deal with that? I couldn't handle that. Could you?

Finally, our crown jewel delivers his fourth pitch. Forcing himself to throw a strike, it's a lackluster 87 mile an hour fastball tailing out of the strike zone. The right-handed batsman swings anyway, and clubs a lined shot to right. Clubs? Destroys. Only by the virtue of fortuitous positioning does Brendan Harris get held to one bag. If he swung upwards at all, got any loft under the ball, it'd be flying towards New Mexico right now. Instead, it's going back to the pitcher, who looks like he'd rather someone else keep it. But with that at-bat over, maybe our prized prospect will realize that the game's not over yet, he's not going to go back home to Fredericksburg, and he can hang with these guys.

But it doesn't look like it. The first pitch to Habelito Hernandez bounces off one of Miguel Olivo's shin guards and rolls on top of the plate. Five pitches, only one of which has been anywhere near the strike zone. Billy Beane was a prized prep star, too. "Billy was a guy you could dream on..." went the quote in Moneyball. I've been dreaming on this Scarborough kid ever since I drafted him. He's never thrown a major league inning, never faced anyone other than green kids. "I just didn't have it in me," sayeth Mr. Beane. What if this kid doesn't have it in him?

The moundsman comes to the set, kicks forward and fires his sixth pitch. Changeup, way high; Miggy pushes his arm in the air reflexively and somehow snares the sphere some six feet above the earth, momentum pushing him backwards in the process. Ball two. Again. The kid still looks lost. One wild swing and miss could change that, but instead he's thrown six balls and given up one laser beam. Feeling that, his shoulders are slumped as he receives the toss back from our fair retriever, who's inconspicuously silent. No jog out to the mound to pat him on the butt, no hard throw back to try to wake him up like I used to get every so often from my buddy when he caught. Just a lob. Can't f*cking Olivo tell this kid is losing it? What if we still had Piazza right now? What would he do? Why won't someone say something? Are the fans even paying attention anymore? Are they laughing?

That's how I always felt when I was pitching and didn't have it. Million thoughts, my mind in the clouds. Not the best for your control, your deceptiveness, your confidence. I would have underhanded the ball over the plate if I could have. It would have been just as effective. Instead, I'd start trying to force the ball into the strike zone. Aiming, not pitching.

That's what Chris Scarborough's trying to do right now. Another fastball, almost a foot outside. Three and oh. I can hear the boos raining down. Two batters into the beginning of his big league career, and our gem is merely pyrite. It's not even a real game! How is he going to handle a real call-up when the time comes? The inning, the game, this kid's confidence; they're all slipping away, right in front of my eyes. And with that, everything else is up in the air. If he fails, where is this team's future? We have nothing else.

He's setting back up now, but he's setting up for failure. Not pitching, but forcing himself to pitch, resignedly. This kid went undefeated in college, struck out 15 batters per nine innings. He's not used to failure. He's never struggled, not even last year in the minors. What if he can't handle adversity? The mind works in funny ways sometimes, but not in a comedic sense. I wish it did, though. I wish somebody would walk out to the mound right now and slap this kid in the face with a fish, or make some joke about the size of his tonsils. But there's no comic relief to be found. Instead, this kid just looks like a scared kid. Another batting practice fastball, right over the heart of the plate.

CRACK!

This isn't the pitcher I drafted number three overall half a year ago. It can't be.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
For once he was a true love of mine...

[seth70liz76]

This has to be the best post ever about two at bats! It that feeling us Cub fans get when Kerry sails that first pitch of the game toward Cicero and you just know where it's heading--I've seen this movie before, and I don't like the ending.

Heartbreaking--the laugh of a condemmed man always rings harsh.

[gordyhulten]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

my banana dances for you.

We've been over this before. Your bananananana most certainly is not dancing for me.

[Vris]

Agreed. Banana is not dancing.

Those two batters had me on the edge of my seat. Will Mr. Scarborough Fair up his control to battle in the major leagues? Or is he doomed to be play outfield, a la Wild Thing? Will we ever know?

[seth70liz76]

Originally Posted by Vris

Agreed. Banana is not dancing.

Those two batters had me on the edge of my seat. Will Mr. Scarborough Fair up his control to battle in the major leagues? Or is he doomed to be play outfield, a la Wild Thing? Will we ever know?

Banana is dancing--maybe it is a matter of faith, if you believe in the Banana . . .

And shouldn't he be Scarborough Poor, at least Scarborough Average--Fair is a little too generous at this point.

[Vris]

Ah, touche.

[Dougiestyle]

The banana is a lot like our beloved Pale Hose in this OOTP world. Sometimes they do what we want, sometimes they break our heart. It changes with the blink of an eye, just like Scarborough's potential.

[Tavarin]

The banana is dancing for me. Maybe everyone needs to truly be a Pale Hose fan to see it dance

[BadluckinOOTP]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

No jog out to the mound to pat him on the butt,

What if we still had Piazza right now? What would he do?

Yeah, Piazza would have patted him on the butt for sure.

[cknox0723]

wow. uh, what does it take to be a man who responds to all that? i don't know, but i was going to quote the comments i liked, until i realized that i was about to quote all of 'em. poetry, metaphors, gay jokes, bananas -- there are few places in this world where all four can intersect. i'm proud to say this is one of them and i appreciate all of the comments, really and truly. i took some notes there, too, so thanks for the inspiration.

here's the stunning conclusion -- to the game, even, and not just the first inning! it's, uh, a bit different. hope it works.

[cknox0723]

Click. Click. Click. Button-mashing, but of the remote. What does one watch when nothing's on at 11 PM? Baseball Tonight, of course. The following BBTN highlight never really happened...but don't you wish it did?

Ravech: "And both Chicago clubs concluded their exhibition seasons with a game in Mesa, Arizona. Man on, top of the first, Habelito Hernandez at the plate. Three-oh count, a shot to the left side but Eric Munson with a diving stop to his left --"

Reynolds: "Web. Gem."

Ravech: "--Wilson down to Thomas and Hernandez is out by half a step! Double play, around the horn, and watch the replay again to see just how close the play was at first. Peter, did Wally Bell make the right call here?"

Gammons: "Eric Munson, a former Golden Spikes winner, will transition well to third base because of his offseason work in the circus. A scout tells me he especially likes feeding the elephants peanuts."

Kruk: "I like peanuts. You can spit out the shells just like sunflower seeds, you know."

A muffled banging noise...

Ravech: "Ahem...Nic Jackson up with two outs, and watch this pitch from the rookie Scarborough on two-two. High heat, right by him to end the inning."

Kruk: "Must be why Jackson's missing the K at the end of his first name. Har har har har!"

Gammons: "Jackson slugged .409 in 208 at-bats last year. He's a darkhorse for MVP this year if he can shake that nasty parasite attatched to his left leg."

In the background, a squawking noise and thud are heard.

Ravech: "Errr...we move ahead to the bottom of the fourth, still scoreless. Habelito Hernandez leading off. One-two count...slider, and sit him back down."

Reynolds: "Lou Piniella would have hated Hernandez. See how his uniform is perfectly clean? I can't remember ever being in the fourth inning of a game with my uniform that clean. Hasn't he had to go to the bathroom by then? No need for toilet paper, son!"

Ravech: "Nic Jackson...frozen by a nasty change of pace for out number two."

Kruk: "See, what did I tell you about his name? Ha ha ha ha..."

Ravech: "And Jason DuBois...swingin'. One hit, no runs, and five K's for the rookie Scarborough in four innings pitched."

Gammons: "Cubs' manager Dusty Baker compared DuBois favorably to Marquis Grissom, according to one scout. I think he'll have a ten-year career as a clubhouse lawyer."

The left side of the desk buckles just a bit.

Ravech: "Top of the sixth, still...still zeroes on the board for both sides. Man on first for Enrique Wilson, who turns on a Jon Switzer fastball and hammers it...past a diving Brendan Harris and into the left field corner --"

Reynolds: "Wilson's a heck of a hitter. And look at Hernandez, receiving the relay in from the outfield and merely placing a late tag on Wilson as he slides into second. Dive for that tag, son! Get your uniform dirty!"

Ravech: "Aneudi Cuevas scores to make it 1-0 in favor of the Pale Hose --"

Gammons: "White Sox management drafted Cuevas in the offseason's Rule 5 draft because they love his character. His mother worked seven jobs in the Dominican Republic to feed his eight sisters and pet monkey. He is a man acutely aware of the Golden Rule, a lost art in a modern-day game dominated by --"

Ravech: "And...move ahead to the top of the seventh, one-nothing game still."

Gammons: "I -- I...wasn't done, Karl."

Ravech: "No, you were done, Peter. And now let's..."

Gammons: "F*ck you, Karl."

Ravech: "Hey! You can't say f*ck, Peter. What the heck are you thinking? I apologize, folks --"

Gammons: "Sure I can. If it's good enough for Billy Beane, hero of Moneyball..."

Kruk: "I don't understand why Beane had to write a book. The last book I read was Lenny Dykstra's biography, and that was only for the pictures. Why would I want to read about some guy with a pocket protector?"

Reynolds: "Pocket protectors don't work in the playoffs, right, Peter? You need heart, and you need to know how to get your uniform dirty."

Gammons: "Theo Epstein told me that..."

Ravech: "ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH! Seventh inning, Shea Hillenbrand leads off with a mighty swing of the lumber, and with that, changes the scoreboard to 2-0 Sox with a JACK to left off of Jon Leicester."

Kruk: "Shea Hillenbrand is a proven RBI machine. I like his chances this season."

Ravech suddenly has a coughing fit.

Ravech: "His...his chances for what, John?"

Kruk: "I...errr...uhhh...his...I just like his chances!"

Ravech sits back with a satisfied smile as the highlight reel continues to play. Mike Crudale's shown pitching to Nic Jackson with two outs in the ninth and the Pale Hose up two.

Reynolds: "Aren't you going to announce the highlight, Karl?"

Ravech: "Aren't you going to talk about a goddamned second baseman, Harold?"

Reynolds: "But everyone knows that second base is -- hey, you can't say damn on TV, Karl! Wash out your mouth, son!"

Kruk: "Yeah, you sound like Jim Eisenreich in the outfield. Har har har..."

Ravech: "Shut up, both of you. Just...shut up. You want me to announce the highlight? OK...some lousy player I've never heard of makes an out thanks to another lousy player I've never heard of, and a lousy team wins a game that means nothing except to the incomparably stupid Peter Gammons. I knew I should've let goddamn Pidto take this --"

Gammons: "F*ck you, Karl. And for your information, Ramon Vazquez is truly a man of the world, having visited 19 different countries, and his versatility makes him one of the seven most underpaid players from Aibonito, Puerto Rico in their long and storied baseball history. And Mike Crudale."

Reynolds: "I agree, Peter. You tell him! And I just don't think the Cubs will win until they get rid of Habelito Hernandez and find a second baseman with more heart."

Kruk: "Did I ever tell you what Darren Daulton used to say about heart? He'd say you have no heart, Karl. He --"

Ravech finally snaps, letting out a Karate Kid-like yell and flipping over the desk with one large heave, revealing Kruk in jeans, Reynolds in dirt-streaked baseball pants, and Gammons in boxer shorts covered with pictures of Theo Epstein. Muffled shouts and wild camera panning dominate the television for a few moments until the coverage is switched to yet another re-run of the World's Strongest Man Competition in Hamburg, Germany from your Worldwide Leader in sports coverage. Tune in tomorrow at 11!

[Vris]

*stares in awe at the television...

"Can John Kruk get any fatter?"

[ifspuds]

*doubled over laughing*

Now that's a post with heart.

[gordyhulten]

Post #277 needs a nomination for something. Primie, Oscar for best screenwriting, Pulitizer, Nobel Prize for Satire?

I don't know. But something.

"No need for toilet paper, son!"