Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Jestor

Because he's an Angel now, The God of OOTP will give him madcap talent boosts... both because he's an angel and because the Almighty of Baseball clearly hates you and does his best to ensure that the Pale Hose will be teh suk.

Yes, that would be a cruel twist of fate, but somehow I would enjoy it. I'll say one thing for the game-by-game recaps and all of the other nonsense I've done with this team -- you get attached to the bits of code tagged with Julio Lugo and Jeremy Reed, no matter how bad they are.

Except Esteban Loaiza. What the hell is wrong with him?

[cknox0723]

D.Y.'s gone to the Ottomans. And yes, that link's work-safe. Jeez. I'm not that perverted. Actually, he's gone to the Mets, to be more precise. Four years, over $20 million. Good luck, my man.

And the balance of power's managed to shift a bit in our fair division, too. Minnesota's added Carlos Lee for 4 years and almost $40 million, and while that may seem like a non sequitur, it isn't in this universe. The former White Socker has put up slugging percentages of .653 and .655 the last two seasons, with one big caveat -- it's been in a total of about 600 at-bats, due to injuries and the general incompetence of Ozzie Guillen two years ago. Yet another reason why this team is such a mess -- two years ago, the team won all of 62 games in large part because they could only find 262 at-bats for a guy with a .332/.386/.653 line. I took over, Lee refused to come back, and a year in Colorado later, he's set for life and poised to make us kiss his ass 19 times a year.

But, hey, we've got Adam Kennedy, so it's all good!

Abject comparisons aside, two years and one and a half million for the former Angel seems like an OK deal. Kennedy hasn't hit much in part-time play the last two years, but put up a .287/.323/.399 line starting full-time in 2004 that was certainly useful when coupled with his solid defense and speed. Ramon Vazquez will shift to short, and in one short year, we've gone from Juan Uribe, Julio Lugo, and the currently unemployed Joe Borchard up the middle to Kennedy, Vazquez, and Raul Gonzalez.

Shifting deck chairs on the Titanic or actual improvement? Well, eternal optimist that I am, look at it as trading Julio Lugo for Adam Kennedy.

That would probably be in an article on the "Most Lopsided Trades Evah Evah", so perhaps something's going right.

[gordyhulten]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Well, eternal optimist that I am, look at it as trading Julio Lugo for Adam Kennedy.

Nothing wrong with that, but I'll miss the Hacktastic One.

[seth70liz76]

Craig, you're building a team that will be dangerously close to 70 wins.

[Mike D]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

And even though it barely relates to the Pale Hose, the thread just keeps growing and growing! I love it! Vris really may have been right when he said so long ago that this is like OT in the dynasty forum.

To continue along those lines, cross the origin of Magatsu's user name and DAL's hilarious story and you might just end up with this link, perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen outside of these boards. Be sure to check out the White Sox cartoon on the middle of page two.

And to get completely back on topic...


You're right, that really isn't too bad. With Reed, I can see it. I can almost see him doing well for us this year, though that's probably the black-and-white colored glasses. Stretches like he had for us early last year, with a couple of game-winning home runs, show that his talent's definitely there. But it's entirely possible that his inconsistency and lack of patience will win out. Your version of Reed may be in a different universe, but it still gives me a little bit of hope for the former.

Borchard, on the other hand, just sucks, no caveats attached. And yet...a .289 average. I can't fathom that. Well, maybe I can. Mike, I'm curious, how did Borchard fare against left-handers for you? That was his crux for our club, to say the least, though I suppose his crux was really any biped with a functioning arm.

Speaking of having trouble with the old batting practice fastball...

In 2005 he hit a robust .258 vs L with a .278 OBP, so yeah, lefties were his kryponite.

[The Funk]

Shame to see DY go, still, it couldn't have happened to a madder Russian. Do you have any bona fide hitters lined-up? Hopefully Buddha will step it up a bit this year.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by gordyhulten

Nothing wrong with that, but I'll miss the Hacktastic One.

Join the club. Why this is, I haven't the faintest idea. Well, that's not entirely true -- Lugo had something special. He was a complete enigma. Couldn't hit, but every once in a while would bust out a four-hit game. Brilliant in the field, but twice made multiple errors -- in the same inning! What a fantastic, stupefying combination.

Originally Posted by seth70liz76

Craig, you're building a team that will be dangerously close to 70 wins.

Maybe, maybe not. We won 69 last year, but without D.Y., who had what I would perceive to be a 25 Win Share season, we could be aching for runs. And if Jon Moo lays a cowpie...hoo boy.

Originally Posted by Mike D

In 2005 he hit a robust .258 vs L with a .278 OBP, so yeah, lefties were his kryponite.

That is pretty lousy, but he was about 8-90 against southpaws in this universe, so .258 makes him look like Marquis Grissom. Unfortunately, even being the Marquis de Chicago was too lofty a goal for Borchard.

Originally Posted by The Funk

Do you have any bona fide hitters lined-up?

Errr...no. No, not really. Means it's all on Raul Gonzalez's studly shoulders. But, heck, you never know where the trade winds will blow.

Thanks, all of y'all.

[cknox0723]

Minnesota's kept another one of our former players in the division with the signing of Brad Fullmer, but if nothing else, Barry Zito, who was brilliant even while battling injuries last year, has left the division for greeener pastures -- across town, with the Cubs.

We come up a day late and a dollar short on Miguel Batista, who follows his nose, the educational system, and the cash to Colorado. Jim Edmonds, who I half-heartedly tried to throw some money, and Bronson Arroyo, who I didn't, both get annual salaries worth eight figures from the Ottomans. Cliff Floyd gets nearly that much from the Dodgers, while Joe Borchard (HA!) will get $10 million over a four-year span from the Reds, who would do better to defecate on that money and then invest it all in time shares in Reykjavik, Iceland.

All that's left now is for the medium-range free agents to trickle away, with one of the few notables being "Shoeless Damaso" Marte, who follows the money to the fifth circle, Philadelphia. Texas adds cult hero Brian Buchanan for over a million bucks, which is way, way too much, but I suppose it's just to continue the trend of all of our "good" former players signing with hated rivals. The Rangers, who we went 1-9 against last year, would certainly qualify.

And the hits keep on coming, as if we are the modern-day Platters. $16 million sways Kelvim Escobar to go to the Empire, while Matthew LeCroy, who would have made a fine catcher, instead accepts a four-year, $8 million deal from the Ottomans. The only saving grace is that Pedro Feliciano, who threw an astounding 115 high-quality relief innings for Minnesota last year, goes off to...the Empire. Quel surprise. It's a dog-eat-dog world, this land of free agency, and we're but a Lhasa Apso.

[cknox0723]

The remainder of free agency comes and goes like a lamb, and not Mike, as we settle for microscopic, tiny moves while watching Kansas City pay millions for infielder Bill Hall, whose best asset even at age 27 is that he still has the "good face". Well, I suppose that's not too bad.

Having come up empty for a catcher on the free agent market, we look toward the NL West, just as we did last year with Jason LaRue, who's sailing the world with Ricky Williams nowadays. This time it's the Giants who are awash in backstops. Yorvit Torrealba, who obscured serviceable part-time play in 2004 and 2005 with a miserable eight for ninety-five trial last year, is the most appealing, and all it takes to extract him is good-glove, no-hit shortstop prospect Rob Valido and marginal at best pitching prospect Kyle Sleeth. Brian Sabean's fetish for wet-noodle shortstops in the line of the Neifster, Deivi Cruz, Cody Ransom, and in this universe, Rey Ordonez and Alfredo Amezaga, is able to continue, and we've got ourselves, at the very least, a second catcher.

A third man who can don the tools of ignorance, Tony Richie, comes into the organization with one of two likely foolish major league deals, the other being a three-year contract handed out to middling 21 year old outfield prospect Edgardo Baez, who's had some success at the AA level. Foolish, it indeed may be, but I'll win my battles where I can.

And Ryan Franklin's our Trafalgar, I guess. The veteran right-hander, who won over thirty games between 2004 and 2005 only to blow out his arm a handful of starts into last season, is somehow swayed to Chicago with a minor league deal. He probably won't be ready for Opening Day, but he's a hell of a wild card to have in the back pocket, to say the least, and not the kind of guy we can normally afford to bring on.

I suppose it's rather telling that our best free-agent signing is probably going to be a guy who got a minor-league deal. But I guess that's the whole idea behind this small-market thing, right?

[Jestor]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

The remainder of free agency comes and goes like a lamb, and not Mike, as we settle for microscopic, tiny moves while watching Kansas City pay millions for infielder Bill Hall, whose best asset even at age 27 is that he still has the "good face". Well, I suppose that's not too bad.

Having come up empty for a catcher on the free agent market, we look toward the NL West, just as we did last year with Jason LaRue, who's sailing the world with Ricky Williams nowadays. This time it's the Giants who are awash in backstops. Yorvit Torrealba, who obscured serviceable part-time play in 2004 and 2005 with a miserable eight for ninety-five trial last year, is the most appealing, and all it takes to extract him is good-glove, no-hit shortstop prospect Rob Valido and marginal at best pitching prospect Kyle Sleeth. Brian Sabean's fetish for wet-noodle shortstops in the line of the Neifster, Deivi Cruz, Cody Ransom, and in this universe, Rey Ordonez and Alfredo Amezaga, is able to continue, and we've got ourselves, at the very least, a second catcher.

A third man who can don the tools of ignorance, Tony Richie, comes into the organization with one of two likely foolish major league deals, the other being a three-year contract handed out to middling 21 year old outfield prospect Edgardo Baez, who's had some success at the AA level. Foolish, it indeed may be, but I'll win my battles where I can.

And Ryan Franklin's our Trafalgar, I guess. The veteran right-hander, who won over thirty games between 2004 and 2005 only to blow out his arm a handful of starts into last season, is somehow swayed to Chicago with a minor league deal. He probably won't be ready for Opening Day, but he's a hell of a wild card to have in the back pocket, to say the least, and not the kind of guy we can normally afford to bring on.

I suppose it's rather telling that our best free-agent signing is probably going to be a guy who got a minor-league deal. But I guess that's the whole idea behind this small-market thing, right?

Oh the beauty of the best signing being a minor league deal So classic and so Pale Hose.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Jestor

Oh the beauty of the best signing being a minor league deal So classic and so Pale Hose.

Isn't it? And, to bring things full circle, the best real-life minor league FA signing of recent memory, at least that I can recall...Esteban Loaiza. Oh, a glorious existence we do in fact enjoy.

Here's one for the road...

[cknox0723]

We have Raul Gonzalez's services for just $350,000 this year because of 14 days. He came up fourteen days short of reaching enough service time to become eligible for free agency, and got mere pennies in arbitration because it's largely based on playing time, something Gonzalez has never really had.

He'll get his fair shot this year, mostly based on a Scott Podsednik-like performance after a similar emergence from the proverbial bottomless pit of baseball, the waiver wire.

AB	BB	K	AVG	OBP	SLG	OPSv.R	OPSv.L
173	23	25	.283	.367	.434	.866	.694

Gonzalez is reputed to hit lefties better than righties. The reverse platoon split regressing back to the mean is what killed Joe Borchard last year, as he was passable against southpaws in 2005 and just assable last year. But I can't help but think that Gonzalez can buck that trend, and damn it, do I ever want him to. A 33 year old getting playing time only because he ended up on a second division team, and ending up with enough money to bring his family over from Santurce, Puerto Rico to the States. Enough to send his children to college, to make a career that might have just been a footnote of a few hundred at-bats into something substantial.

I want to win the World Series with this fake bunch before I'm eligible for Social Security; really, I do. I want Mark Buehrle to be the latter-day Steve Carlton and justify his $50 million contract, I want to get a ring for Frank Thomas before the only memories of him are plated in bronze. I want to see P.J. Bevis have a 10-year career and be the most successful Rule 5 pick ever, and I even want to see Esteban Loaiza have one more taste of the magic potion that he hasn't sipped in this universe for going on four years. But perhaps more than anything, I want to see a story like Raul Gonzalez's have a happy ending, instead of fading off into obscurity like my high school baseball coach, Mike Caruso, or Tuck Turner.

14 days. Less time than Clinton King or Nate Cornejo spent on our roster last year. Less time than Felix Diaz. I'm not sure I could write 100 words on the three of them.

Two short weeks. Has Gonzalez been blessed, having received the perfect opportunity, or has he been cursed, having his window pulled away by the misalignment of the stars?

Only time will tell. Unfortunately for Gonzalez, that two weeks has suddenly turned into a number much greater, and only after about six months will he know which way the winds of the diamond will blow him. For his sake, my dreams, and your hopes, I hope it's down that golden, yellow-brick road to the land of opportunity, to the land of Oz.

But I fear it's much more likely that it's just down a dirt road back to Santurce.

[The Funk]

Ahhh, you're a sucker for a happy ending, just like me. Still, cut Thomas's injury-prone ass and go out and win this thing. Nice to see the signings once again flocking to your (white) banner But I think Esteban will bounce back this year. Either that or collapse like a neutron star.

Thanks for the Trafalgar link, nice to revisit a time when Britain rightfully ruled the world, and I think the Platters teach us all a valuable leson; being part of a successful doo-wop group makes death inevitable.

[Dargone]

Good stuff...

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Dargone

Good stuff...

Thanks, Dargone, always a pleasure to see you around these parts.

Originally Posted by The Funk

Ahhh, you're a sucker for a happy ending, just like me. Still, cut Thomas's injury-prone ass and go out and win this thing. Nice to see the signings once again flocking to your (white) banner But I think Esteban will bounce back this year. Either that or collapse like a neutron star.

Thanks for the Trafalgar link, nice to revisit a time when Britain rightfully ruled the world, and I think the Platters teach us all a valuable leson; being part of a successful doo-wop group makes death inevitable.

Ah, this is the prime example of an A-1 Aces post. Excellent, very excellent!

And speaking of signings flocking to our white banner...

[cknox0723]

Ryan Franklin, who really has quite the bland name, was not our only minor league free agent signing, of course. This ain't like last year, though, when any ambulatory body warranted a minor league deal. We only have two new faces who will experience the glorious all-night bus rides and fine dining of the Charlotte Waffle House this year.

And they're both the butt of hilarious jokes.

Eric Cyr's actually had a nice couple of years in this universe, and in the pressure cookers of the Bronx and Queens.

YEAR		IP	ERA	H	BB	K
2004		62	3.48	69	19	50
2005		102.2	4.38	110	44	58

Not exactly a budding Nolan Ryan with the nifty rate of 5.11 strikeouts to 3.86 walks per nine frames, but you take what you can. Oh, and Cyr was ditched by the Empire last year and spent the year waxing his car or playing in the indy leagues, thus the lack of stats from 2006. Hopefully he wasn't going to New Zealand much.

"Nice non-sequitur," you're thinking. "What the hell does that mean?"

http://www.nbc4.tv/sports/2786954/detail.html

And the best part of that article...well, why don't we let Mr. Cyr's explain that in his own words?

Originally Posted by Eric Cyr

what's up sexy, you are very cut (sic) it is bad that you are 15 the law is very strick (sic) about that kind of stuff but I may have to do an execption (sic) this time ...

Yes, I really do know that this is a serious issue and not something to make light of...but I may have to do an execption this time.

And Mike Crudale. No, really -- if we're going to have a journeyman mid-30's reliever setting up in the seventh and eighth frames for Rick Ankiel in Charlotte, I figured who better than Mike Crudale?

It may not be Gload or Glanville, but Eric "law is strick" Cyr and Mike "And" Crudale should give Charlotte plenty of unique promotional opportunities. We may not win much at all this year, but damn it, what sells tickets, winning or hilarity?

Don't answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

[The Funk]

I don't understand that story at all. He makes poorly-spelled improper propositions to her. She keeps telling him that she's a minor. Then he 'tricked her' about going to the plane's bathroom? Tricked her???? What the hell did he say "Hey, r u 4 the mall? There's one right through this door, follow me." And he raped her for half an hour? Now I am in no way, shape or form an expert in this field but I'd guess a rape would take less time than that. And wouldn't she cry for help or something? I doubt plane bathrooms are that well sound-insulated. It's not like he could flee the scene.

"The suit also names Qantas Airlines and the Lake Elsinore Storm as defendants, primarily for negligence for allowing the alleged incident to take place." WHAT? If I take a bus to uni and I decide to beat up a pensioner or something on the way it's not the university's fault. I'm suspicious.



(sorry about using a picture, I know you prefer to rely on excellent writing for entertainment and I'll remove it if you want. Good link, as always.)

Finally, great job signing people with ready-made nicknames. You are a cunning, cunning man.

[MarkyMark1908]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Yes, I really do know that this is a serious issue and not something to make light of...but I may have to do an execption this time.

Classy, crag, very classy
Actually, pretty hilarious. But I'm thinking another move might need to be made to make the Pale Hose the world champs they should rightfully be instead of a running joke themselves again. Is Ron Karkovice available?
-Mark

[Vris]

Craig, how dare you even make light of such a serious allegation? I mean, seriously, how old are you?

Keep it up.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by The Funk

lots and lots of amusing stuff, particularly "r u 4 the mall?"

I thought that was what made the story so funny, too. But the only reason I would believe is because...well, if you were going to make something like that, who the hell is Eric Cyr? Wouldn't you pick a good player, like with the old quote about eating the baseball card of a good player? (Anyone know who said that?) And if it was an impromptu type of thing...well, how would that work? "Oh, look...it's Eric Cyr! Let's git 'im!"

Oh, and pictures are always fine with me, especially if it's Inspector Closeau. I just never did know how to put them in...and now that I do, I don't want to abandon my roots. But one day, perhaps I will.

Originally Posted by MarkyMark1908

Classy, crag, very classy
Actually, pretty hilarious. But I'm thinking another move might need to be made to make the Pale Hose the world champs they should rightfully be instead of a running joke themselves again. Is Ron Karkovice available?
-Mark

Ron Karkovice! Excellent! And, you know, he would most certainly be an upgrade for us. To paraphrase Whitey Herzog, "Sure, I'd be interested if the Pale Hose called."

Thanks for checking in, Mark.

Originally Posted by Vris

Craig, how dare you even make light of such a serious allegation? I mean, seriously, how old are you?

Keep it up.

Ah, I knew you'd appreciate that one! I'm going to throw in a banana, too, since it's not dancing! It's not dancing! I've seen the light!

EDIT: Son of a gun, it's dancing now. These damn eyes, playing tricks on me again.