Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty: The Pale Hose

[canadiancreed]

creed has a front row seat to quite possibly the worst pitching matchup ever

oh.....goodie

But Akinori Otsuka, my Japanese love machine,

That's one kinky pitcher. and all that lovin seems to work wonders

[The Funk]

"Know yourself and know your enemy (opponent) and you will never be defeated in 100 battles (games)." - Well that's all well and good, but I think it shows beyond doubt that Sun Tzu never had Esteban "The Art of Suck" Loaiza in his starting rotation.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by canadiancreed

That's one kinky pitcher. and all that lovin seems to work wonders

Just imagine what I would call, say, Jon Rauch if he threw a complete game shutout! On second thought, it's probably best to not even think about that, but trust that it would outclass The Hypothetical Power Forward and cause hilarity to ensue.

Originally Posted by The Funk

"Know yourself and know your enemy (opponent) and you will never be defeated in 100 battles (games)." - Well that's all well and good, but I think it shows beyond doubt that Sun Tzu never had Esteban "The Art of Suck" Loaiza in his starting rotation.

That's fantastic. Two parts philosophy, one part humor, absolute brilliance. You weren't kidding when you said you had a great nickname for Loaiza! That is definitely going into the second version of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pale Hose", giving you proper credit, of course. Thanks!

[cknox0723]

The Buehrle One's available to pitch today, and on some level, I'd like to win this one just so Toronto doesn't even up their record with us, but I learned long ago that such things aren't really important, particularly when you're going to lose 90 anyway. So Jon Rauch it is, though if Doc Halladay was going instead of 7-14 Jason Davis, perhaps Jonny Baby would be singing "Tomorrow" instead.

Both tantalizing mediocrities have trouble hitting the strike zone in the first frame, and that bodes well for the second inning run-scoring. Since we're the visiting club, we get on the board first, courtesy of a double by The Big Hurt and a seeing-eye single by Hackin' Miggy Olivo. A revitalized Rauch does a complete 360 after Julio Lugo makes the third out, and the bottom of the second's an almost unheard of quick inning.

Then Rauch laces a single to left-center to start the third. Ramon Vazquez bangs a single through the middle. D.Y. cracks a double to the gap in left-center, and we're up two with a chance to make it thirty. However, Buddha pops out (false ideas infatuate), and that brings up Frank Thomas with two on and one down. Jason Davis makes the mistake of trying to fool him with a 1-1 changeup, and Thomas swats it to the opposite field. Lacking in ten-foot long arms, Michael Restovich's leap is futile, and suddenly we're up five.

After Rauch tiptoes through the bottom of the third, a neophyte named Carlos Hines comes out of the Toronto bullpen and completely mucks things up, throwing the ball all over the place -- to the backstop, into the dugout, into the visiting bullpen -- convincing me that he's actually a fan and that this game is one big promotional stunt. Hey, I'm all for it if it gives us an 8-0 lead, at least if there's no disco involved.

With that comfortable cushion, Rauch gets us five innings, enough to secure him a win. He tires in the sixth and gives up a whole bunch of hits and four runs, but Rick Ankiel whiffs Orlando Hudson to strand a couple runners on base with our edge at eight to five. Of course, Ankiel gives me a heart attack the next inning, loading up the bases with one out for the top of the order, but Hinksi is a bust there ear, and strikes out, and Laynce Nix pops out to left. Even leaving the bases loaded in the eighth can't foul this one up, as we add on two in the ninth anyway, enabling one of the ten worst pitchers in Pale Hose history, Mike Gallo, to finish it off. You know the game's out of hand when Mike Gallo's on the mound. Nice that it was out of hand in our favor for once.



CHW 10 TOR 5

WP: J. Rauch (6-7) - 5.2 IP, 9 H, 5 R
LP: J. Davis (7-15)
S: M. Gallo (3) - Why a save, you ask? Well, good ol' Sack of Crap came in with the score 8 to 5. So long as this doesn't come back to bite me in arbitration...

Game Ball Goes To... Cut it in half -- Ramon Vazquez went 4-5 with two doubles and two runs scored, and Frank Thomas went three for three with a three-run jack and a couple of walks. And yet, amidst 14 hits, 8 walks, and ten runs, Magglio Ordonez went oh-for-four. At least he's holding true to his nickname. Live not in excess...

[Jestor]

Who cares if it comes back to bite you in the ass in arbitration? Sacks of Crap can be found everywhere, usually flaming on doorsteps. If Gallo gets a big ass raise, just trade him for another SOC reliever

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Jestor

Who cares if it comes back to bite you in the ass in arbitration? Sacks of Crap can be found everywhere, usually flaming on doorsteps. If Gallo gets a big ass raise, just trade him for another SOC reliever

You assume, of course, that anyone would actually want this sack. Since teams trade for flotsam like Todd Jones, probably a good assertion, but considering that Mike Gallo's about as talented as Todd Jones throwing lefty, maybe not.

However, I'll check my doorstep tomorrow and let you know what I find!

Control artist Chris Reitsma's had a nice three start Toronto debut, including seven innings and three runs allowed to some Chicago team some three weeks ago in his season debut. He'll oppose The Buehrle One in the rubber match, who, for fifty million dollars' sake, I hope is fully tested rested and ready after an extra day off.

But with a couple of sixty-win teams squaring off, is success really success? Reitsma and his assortment of slow changeups astound us in the first few frames, but, really, how big a deal is that? Miguel Olivo...Julio Lugo...Jeremy Reed...these aren't really baseball players. It's like giving a five-year old a lollipop and then nicking his lunch money. You don't exactly need to be a Dutch bank robber to do that.

And Buehrle mucks up scoreless frames right alongside Reitsma, falling behind hitters, putting runners on base, but retiring guys like Bobby Wilson (Today's entrant in the "Catcher o' the Day" contest in Toronto) and Jolbert Cabrera and Eric Hinske. Hoo-ray!

Finally, the monotony of a poorly-played, nothing-nothing affair is broken when Buehrle misses out over the plate with a two-seamer and one of the few actual ballplayers on the field, Vernon Wells swats a big fly, his twenty-second of the season. Buehrle has little trouble aside from that, not that he should, and we find ourselves in a 1-0 hole after four.

And five. And six. Don't blame D.Y., though -- after six innings, he's got both of our hits, and he helps Buehrle out in the termination of that sixth frame by making a beautiful shoestring grab to rob Vernon Wells. Then he steps up to lead off the seventh, takes a couple pitches, and tomahawks a high slider to the opposite field. The sphere clanks off the left field foul pole, and thanks to our one-man show, we're tied up.

No one else gets on base, but, hell, that's OK, D.Y. will do it all himself. He can't pitch, though, and after a rousing rendition of "Take Me Ooooot to the Ballgame", I'm about ready to make the same claim about The Buehrle One. Hits by Michael Restovich and Dave Berg put a pair on, and an Eric Hinske groundout puts the duo in scoring position with two outs for Vito Chiaravolloti, pinch-hitting for the pitcher. He's also the winner of the "Unnecessary Consonants" contest. Buehrle slithers a few strikes in, like an asp, but then coils around himself and leaves a hittable fastball over the plate. Chiaravowhat'shisface hits it on the nose...but right at Julio Lugo, and we live to see another inning of a tied ballgame.

That doesn't change in the eighth, as southpaw Eric Knott ties us up in his namesake, but Buehrle does likewise to the fearsome Toronto order. Knott and Joe Roa continue the offensive ignominy in the ninth, and we're on to everyone's favorite -- extra innings of a September game between last-place teams.

Originally Posted by seth70liz76

Flutters of excitement
cover my body

Amen to that.

Knott works a third perfect inning, holding our hit total to three (that's zero without The Mad Russian, if you're counting at home), but Joe Roa follows suit despite allowing a couple more hard-hit ground balls and the eleventh Toronto hit. Scot Shields is the next batting-practice arm to shut us down in order, but Kiko Calero carves up the heart of the Cerulean Kay order and we move on to frame number twelve.

You don't need Miss Cleo to know that we go down in order, defenestrated by Swords and Shields. Of course, Mike Gallo marches through the bottom half of the inning, and onward we go.

At this point, I'm considering going up there and taking my hacks, but Carlos Tosca goes to the lefty for the thirteenth. I never could hit the southpaw, so I let Maggs Ordonez, who's three for his last thirty-one, step in against Les Walrond and his 5.91 ERA. Of course, Buddha takes a weak hack at the first lousy pitch and pops it up to left-center.

And Laynce Nix loses it in the sun. Isn't that great? A baserunner! And there is no sun -- we're in a freaking dome! Ah ha ha! Yes!

Excitement aside, Bruce Chen comes on to face Frank Thomas, for reasons unknown. Consider this thought process: "OK, runner on...time to bring in Chen!" Does that even make sense in the Pacific Coast League? And even we're not that bad!

Of course, The Tailor of Panama retires Thomas on a pop-fly. Go figure.

But Raul Gonzalez follows with a lined shot past a diving Jeter Hinske, and we've got our first hit in...six innings! Holy cow!

And up marches Joe Crede. There's nothing that'll prick your gonfalon bubble like those three words..."up marches Crede". The assclown strikes out, of course, and we're an out away from the bottom of the thirteenth. Why couldn't we have just lost this game in the fricking ninth?

"Two balls, no strikes to Miguel Olivo. Chen peers in to Cambra, fiddles with the ball. To the set and here's the pitch...fastball, stroked right back up the middle, past Chen and into center for a base hit! Ordonez rounds third and he will score, and the Sox have a 2-1 lead!"

And thaaat's how we won it.



CHW 2 TOR 1 (13)

WP: M. Gallo (6-0)
LP: L. Walrond (4-6)
S: A. Otsuka (6)

Game Ball Goes To... Mr. Young, who might make like Hollywood and go to Washington, if only I got up the energy to move the Expos. By the way, that link came up when I typed "go to Washington" into the Internet Movie Database. How I love low-budget film concepts. Though for all of my kvetching, Buehrle went 8 and gave up but that one run. Extra credit to M. Olivo, though after all that ineptitude, if someone didn't poke a damn single, I would've rented Walters for a day.

[cknox0723]

Yeah, Vris, I hear ya, I'm back in the dynasty forum. And I know you and all the other people that clicked on here enjoyed those links in the last recap. Oh, I know it.

Baseball in Tampa Bay has been, by most accounts, a disaster. Horsehooey, I say. Picturesque weather, the chance for a few wins every time your team goes down there -- what more could you ask for?

We'll take on the Fishies at the Cell, and perhaps the chilly September weather there doesn't agree with us, for after a sloppy first half-inning that includes D.Y. dropping a fly ball and the Jon Garland of months past, not months present, we find ourselves in a 1-0 hole. In the bottom half, a ball tossed into the first-base seats by Khalil Greene gives us a similar opportunity, with a runner at third and one out for Maggs Ordonez.

"Two balls and a strike to the right fielder Ordonez, who's in a one for twenty-six slump. Vazquez dancing a few steps off third as Hall sets up. Wakefield, from the stretch, deals a knuckler up in the zone and Ordonez drives it to deep left-center! Matos giving chase...he's at the track, at the wall, and he'll take a leap, but that ball is outta here! A two-run longball for Magglio Ordonez, and the Sox take a 2-1 lead!"

That ushers in a pitcher's duel for the next few innings, as the bottom of each order poses no threat in the second, and then both gritty veterans use their high "Bear Down" ratings to get through the third. Well, almost. Wakefield doesn't have much trouble with Vazquez and Young, the first two hitters of the third frame, but then Buddha steps in.

"Two and oh to Ordonez...Wakefield with the easy wind and the pitch, it's a knuckler and Ordonez stays back and CRUSHES it down the right field line, and that ball is...FAIR, and way, way out of here! A moonshot for Magglio Ordonez, his second of the day and twenty-fourth of the season, and he increases the Chicago lead to two!"

Khalil Greene makes a second error to put Frank Thomas, our cleanup man, on base, and Jeremy Reed lashes a double into the right-field corner to tick our lead up to 3. Jon Bull continues to tackle the Tampa lineup head on, facing just one batter over the minimum from the second inning through the sixth. After a strong seventh, his last frame since he's up second in the bottom half, the Magic 8-Ball would say that our prospects of a win "were looking up".

After the bottom half, there's no doubt, as Tampa turns in an inning that would make Margaret Whitton of "Major League" fame proud. A walk and a pair of wild pitches give us a first run, and then D.Y. rips a shot to right that the Rays end up throwing all over the ballpark. Maggs follows with a sacrifice fly, making it 7-1, and it's all over but the cryin'. Being fisticuffed by Shingo Takatsu and Rick Hummel would bring out the tears in any half-washed-up journeyman, and their efforts move us one step further up Mount Blanc.



TB 1 CHW 7

WP: J. Garland (8-9)
LP: T. Wakefield (3-5)

Game Ball Goes To... Garland, who was supposed to fall apart today, not give up one run in seven. Heck, maybe he learned that new pitch that Esteban Loaiza threw only in 2003.

[Vris]

Wow, thanks for mentioning me...I think....


It's good to see these games go your way at the end of the year. Finding any interesting free agents that might want to come play at The Cell?

[The Funk]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

That is definitely going into the second version of the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pale Hose", giving you proper credit, of course. Thanks!

Awesome, thanks! If I get hit by a truck tomorrow (or even today) I can now die peacefully knowing that I have, in some small way, contributed to the legend that is The Pale Hose. Clean underwear be gone!

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Vris

Wow, thanks for mentioning me...I think....

My pleasure. It was a compliment...I think.

Originally Posted by Vris

It's good to see these games go your way at the end of the year. Finding any interesting free agents that might want to come play at The Cell?

A loaded question. I will save it for the new thread -- but suffice it to say that my plans for building this team into a winner are becoming clearer and clearer, and for now, they don't involve a whole lot of cash being thrown out the window. D.Y. excepted, of course, if he'll just take a two year deal.

Originally Posted by The Funk

Awesome, thanks! If I get hit by a truck tomorrow (or even today) I can now die peacefully knowing that I have, in some small way, contributed to the legend that is The Pale Hose. Clean underwear be gone!

Excellent! Just...please, don't post pics of that dirty, uncouth Funkiness. Thanks!

The subject is a nod to Mr. Funk as well as this board's own ctorg's excellent tune "Existential Lullaby". My musical tastes are probably a better weird, but I think it's worth a listen. Support the OOTP Boards' Musical Revolution!

Edgar Gonzalez and Jorge DePaula own a combined record of 10 and 35. This game is just rife with possible hilarious situations.

Instead, we just get a first inning big fly off Juan Encarnacion's bat, and a scintillating lack of offense on our end. DePaula gives up an extra-base hit an inning through the first three frames, a hell of a rate if I've ever heard one, but no more runs come of it until Jeremy Reed drops a routine fly ball that would have ended the fourth inning. Well, at least that's slightly amusing. To wit:

"And..St. Pierre pops it up into center field for Reed, an easy play -- and, wait, what's he doing? Reed dives to the ground and he's...he's in the fetal position, shaking like a baby! The ball drops and Greene will score to make it 2-0 Tampa Bay!"

Shades of Lou Whitaker diving to the ground when a low-flying plane buzzed overhead spring to mind.

For the most part, Reed's gaffe crushes our spirit. We do a bit more than just playing out the string, scoring a bunch of runs in the seventh inning, but that's after a four-run top half of the frame for Tampa. In the end, we just run out of those 27 little packets of energy, withering away like a fleur-de-lis, or perhaps like Mr. Reed, as he lay in the outfield grass, overwhelmed by something incomprehensible.

TB 7 CHW 5

WP: E. Gonzalez (6-18)
LP: J. DePaula (5-18)
S: R. King (21)

Game Ball Goes To... Jeremy Reed, of course. Sure, his play probably cost us this game, but there's not a whole lot of difference between fame and infamy in the end. Considering his heroics in April and a few short weeks ago against Baltimore, I suppose this attempt at another 15 minutes only shows that Reed's an egomaniac. An admirable quality in a fourth outfielder, I think.

[cknox0723]

Rescued from page 2!

Instead of Tadahito Iguchi, we have Juan Uribe. And c.f. chen. And Esteban Loaiza, against another 15-loss man in Aaron Harang.

That screams "pathetic" at the top of Iron Lungs, but Loaiza rescues me from a desperate state with a 1-2-3 first inning, including capping off the frame with a strikeout of Andy Phillips, second in the league in batting at (an empty) .339. He's also the only Devil Ray worth a sh*t, so I fully expect Tampa to score four runs next inning.

Encouragingly enough, that doesn't happen, though our offense follows up a lackluster first inning with an even more dismal effort in the second. Dr. Esteban gives up a rocket of a single to Toby Hall with one out in the third, the game's first hit, but nothing else. Still, I feel like shooting him in the face. I imagine that would fall under the exact definition of a poor pitcher -- one of whom you are contemplating "accidents" he can be in -- while he's pitching well! Harang retires the bottom three in the bottom three, making his first trip through the order a perfect one, but Loaiza responds with a, shall we say...debonair fourth inning, mixing in biting sliders with sharp hammer curves and his always-mediocre (even in success) fastball, ending the inning with a strikeout of .226 hitting Josh Phelps, Loaiza's sixth strikeout victim.

A one-out fourth inning walk to Dmitri Young gives us (gasp!) our first baserunner, and a line drive single to center by Magglio Ordonez actually makes that a threat against the shifty Harang Girl, who's allowed just 9 home runs in 180+ innings this season. Frank the Bohunk whiffs on three pitches, and it appears we'll add to our record total of runners stranded, but Jeremy Reed turns on a fat changeup and lashes it down the right field line. It rolls all the way into the corner, allowing two to roll on home.

For a while, it looks as though that 2-0 lead will last. Loaiza continues to impress, showing pinpoint "pitch control" and sharp, moving stuff the likes of which he hasn't displayed in two years. He gets through the fifth quickly, and tallies the first two outs of the sixth. But just like yesterday, things all fall apart thanks to an innocuous fly ball to center field.

Jeremy Reed, who will, mark my words, never, ever be our starting center fielder again, loses this one in the sun, and Loaiza's ten-cent head takes over. He grooves one to Terrence Long, who nearly ties the game with one swing. He settles for a two-base hit. Andy Phillips gets passed over for Josh Phelps, hitting 100 points lower, but at this point, Loaiza probably couldn't get his mother out. Phelps, curiously a real-life Devil Ray, singles to left and we're tied up. With the score now tied, two men on and two out, Khalil Greene digs in with the weight of the ballgame on his shoulders.

"Two-and-oh to Greene...Loaiza to the stretch, and the pitch...changeup, up in the zone and hit hard to deep left-center! Young going back...at the track, at the wall, but that ball is a goner! A three-run home run for Khalil Greene, and Tampa Bay takes a 5-2 lead!"

Five innings, one hit, no runs. Why did I even bother to ask for anything more? And stuck we remain with one more year of this nonsense. I suppose it could be worse. We could still be on page two.

TB 7 CHW 4

WP: A. Harang (8-15) - 6 IP, 3 H, 2 R
LP: E. Loaiza (8-16) - 6 IP, 4 H, 5 R, 0 ER
S: R. King (22)

Game Ball Goes To... Brad Fullmer, who made an entrance after the third curtain but still stole the show, with a single and home run in his two at-bats. Too bad we were too deep in the crabpot for anyone to notice.

[canadiancreed]

yep more great anictdotes, gotta love the Pale Hose

besides, it's safer for me to hang around here lately

[Y0DA55]

How are the farmhands doing this year? Are you going to update us on your recent draft picks (I'm not going to sift through all the pages to find their names... Scarborough was one) and how they have been doing? Or is that going to be an end of the year thing.

Keep Rockin' Craig!

[cknox0723]

All sorts of crowds in these parts tonight. Better keep this thing on the first page, before creed gets himself in trouble in the tax thread. That is what you were talking about, right?

Ah, and before I forget...yes, Yoda, draft picks update I will. I'm leaning more and more towards doing all that in the offseason, though -- and for everyone's sake, that'll be a new thread. I'll put up the final standings and playoff results and such, but many more numbers and my head will explode. Sorry, Vris, I had enough trouble with baby stats.

Also an apology to UGD and DAL 9000 and the rest of you folks -- one day I will work everyone that's commented into one of these posts. May as well -- what, you'd rather read of Juan Uribe?

Well, Minnesota's won eight straight, so we definitely ain't finishing third. Still up a game plus on the Kitties, though.

If only Los Angeles of Anaheim could say the same. They're spiraling downward in a monumental collapse, having dropped eight straight and seventeen of twenty-three in September, most notably their last three to...wait for it...Toronto, that 66-89 powerhouse. creed will be happy. The Halos are now staring up at Boston in the only playoff race left, but I still can't be dissuaded from picking a team with cult heroes David Eckstein and Denny Hocking, no matter how many games they lose down the stretch. Scioscia and Co. are just trying to give me something to report on besides Joe Crede's nose hairs, I think.

And, really, how interesting is another loss to Texas? The effing Rangers may have fallen out of the wild card race, but having beaten us by such unwieldy scores as 25-1 and 15-3, they're as formidable as any club out there. Fortunately, they're less so with Jeff D'Amico, also known as Paper Sack, toeing the rubber. In an interesting match of physically similar pitchers at very different spots on the career arc, Jon Rauch will be our man.

We bludgeon Paper Sack all over the Ballpark in the first, totaling three hits and giving Rauch a 1-0 lead. After 15 pitches, oddly the same total as D'Amico, Rauch and our lead are through one frame intact.

The DIPS pendulum swings back in D'Amico's favor in the second, and what had been a true, dyed-in-the-wool offense in the first inning quickly just becomes offensive. But Rauch continues to tantalize, not allowing a hit until Ramon Nivar's two out bloop single in the fourth, and even then a Tony Batista fly out means that no harm comes of it.

But things quickly go to pot in the fifth. The top half is another quick one, as D'Amico's sudden transformation into a freakish version of Eric Hillman continues. And Rauch looks sublimely off in the bottom half, getting himself in a mess by allowing hits to Freddie Bynum and Gerald Laird to start the frame. A walk to David Dellucci loads the bases, and Corey Patterson drives home two with a single to center, at which point Rauch starts bitching about his pancreas and begs out. Thorax fornicate marmalade morpheme. Joe Roa comes on and does a hell of a job, as always, but we still leave the inning down two.

Dmitri Young's sixth-inning leadoff single just leads down the long road of nowhere, as Maggs and the rest of the bunch in the middle of the order continue to do nothing, but Roa tosses another easy frame and that keeps our window open a little longer. Finally, a bit of a breeze gets through as Enrique Wilson draws a walk and then Miguel Olivo lines an improbable single to left on an 0-2 changeup. But Brad Fullmer, yesterday's hero of sorts, swings right over top of a 1-2 change of pace, and suddenly there's two dead and we're doing just what we've done all year.

But Ramon Vazquez smacks a single right back through the Paper Sack, and it's a one-run game. Dmitri Young walks to load the bases, setting up one of those tide-turning matchups -- our number three hitter and best ballplayer against their...uh, LOOGY, I guess -- Erasmo Ramirez.

"One ball, no strikes to Ordonez...Ramirez to the set, Laird setting up on the outside half. Here's the leg kick and the pitch...two-seamer, and Ordonez reaches out and taps it to second. Nivar fields it on three bounces, tosses it over to first, and that's the inning. The Sox plate one, but strand three and they'll have six more outs still needing a run to tie."

Remarkably, The Japanese Love Machine or someone gets through the seventh unscathed, and we come out hitting -- actually hitting -- in the eighth. Frank Thomas leads off with a single. The Element whiffs, but Enrique Wilson pokes an opposite-field single to left and Brian Anderson darts out to second to run for Thomas, doing those painful looking stretches that pinch-runners always do. Up steps Hacktastic Julio. At least he'll take his cuts, right?

"One ball, one strike to Lugo. Herges to the stretch, Laird pounds his mitt, and here comes the offering from the right-hander...fastball, lined to shallow center fielder...Patterson coming on, he dives and, OH, he makes the catch! Brian Anderson's off near third base and he'll be doubled off second base! Just like that, the inning's over and the rally's erased. What a play by Corey Patterson!"

We go down in order in the ninth. Hell, after making the previous six outs in such spectacular fashion, I can't say I blame 'em.

CHW 2 TEX 3

WP: J. D'Amico (13-8) - 6.2 IP, 7 H, 2 R
LP: J. Rauch (6-8) - 4.1 IP, 4 H, 3 R
S: M. Herges (4)

Game Ball Goes To... The fantastic duo of Roa and Otsuka, who tossed 3.2 scoreless frames. Boy, what a combination they can be at the back of the 'pen.

EDIT: More people that I did not mention in the above were viewing the thread as I typed this. It's both a gift and a curse, this is.

[DAL 9000]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Considering his heroics in April and a few short weeks ago against Baltimore, I suppose this attempt at another 15 minutes only shows that Reed's an egomaniac. An admirable quality in a fourth outfielder, I think.

It's an admirable quality in anyone. Look out if he has his name legally changed to "The Great King of the World," however. That could cause problems in the clubhouse. (Mo' like the Great King of the Fetal Position, really.)

Anyway, I just popped in to say I find it darkly funny that Terence Long is on the D-Rays in your league. It's almost like the game can see the future.

Talk about your terrifying dystopian societies. "I have seen the future, AND IT WAS FULL OF CHUCK LAMAR."

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by DAL 9000

It's an admirable quality in anyone. Look out if he has his name legally changed to "The Great King of the World," however. That could cause problems in the clubhouse. (Mo' like the Great King of the Fetal Position, really.)

Anyway, I just popped in to say I find it darkly funny that Terence Long is on the D-Rays in your league. It's almost like the game can see the future.

Talk about your terrifying dystopian societies. "I have seen the future, AND IT WAS FULL OF CHUCK LAMAR."

Perhaps nicknaming Reed "Clutch God" was not such a good idea after all. He may want The Gload's spot in enigk's league.

I think the little paragraph in Moneyball about Johnny Damon and T-Long was awfully prescient. You know, the little aside about how stats couldn't predict the future, only evaluate past performance.

Originally Posted by Mike Lewis

Johnny Damon (or Terrence Long) might lose a step. Johnny Damon (or Terrence Long) might take to drink, or get divorced. Johnny Damon (or Terrence Long) might decide that he'd made enough money already and lose his middle-class enthusiasm for chasing down fly balls. In human behavior there was always uncertainty and risk.

How true. Funny that Lewis mentions nothing about haircuts. And with a nod to some more good baseball writing (at least for the first paragraph's inspiration -- the rest is all my crap, baby), away we go.

Left-handed pitching is always at a premium because there's just so few of them. But at some point, whether it be Mike Gallo or today's Tejano starter Neil Musser, you begin to prefer another guy, one with talent, even if they are just a plain old right-hander.

Of course, Lucky to be Lefty shuts us down no problem in the first. And why not? It's not as if we need to score any runs against this club -- after all, they'll just beat us anyway!

But maybe not, since M. Buehrle's on the mound for our lot today. He's one of those actual pitchers -- you know, the ones where you don't need to think about what hand they throw with when acquiring them. Of course, Buehrle hasn't really been the same since signing that outrageous extension back at the end of July, and that just continues here. Ramon Nivar leads off with a single, and a hit batsman and walk later, the bases are loaded with no one out. Of course, Buehrle gets out of it -- even when trying, he's nowhere near as bad as The Art of Suck (Thanks, Funk, KUTGW!) -- but a run does come home on a deep sacrifice fly struck by Michael Young. Even with that run scoring, it could've been a lot worse, so I'm OK with it. And besides, Buehrle ain't the cause of all these losses to Texas.

But don't focus on the hypothetical too long, because after a lackluster top half of the second, that hypothetical "worse" quickly becomes a bit more of a reality as Hank Blalock pounds a single and Corey Patterson doubles him home instead of making the third out. The scoring and the pounding in my head finally slow with a quick third inning, but Buehrle's already over 60 pitches and we're being shut out by some schmuck making his sixth career start. Who's the fourth place team here?

Oh, right. Well, that's one way of looking at it, I guess. Buehrle departs after five, having tossed over 100 pitches to keep us in that 3-0 hole. Of course, the bats wake up immediately after he leaves. Maybe Buehrle should join the Bert Blyleven Hall of Fame Bandwagon. That links to probably my favorite baseball writer, if you're curious. We load the bases with two outs in the sixth, thanks to D.Y.'s second hit, then our first non-D.Y. hit, a single by Maggs Ordonez, and finally a Frank Thomas walk. But Raul Gonzalez bounces to second, and we get nothing. And imagine how bad it will be next year without Dmitri Young -- negative run scoring!

Mike Gallo (stop me if you've heard this before!) gives up a run in the sixth thanks to five balks or something equally ridiculous. Fortunately, we keep mussing Musser around in the seventh. Joe Crede draws a leadoff walk and Miguel Olivo singles, so I send up Brian Buchanan for Juan Uribe, hoping for some of that lefty-mashing.

Instead, Musser tosses a wild pitch, putting two men in scoring position. Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

"The two and two offering to Buchanan...the pitch, fastball, cut on and missed, strike three! Musser gets Buchanan to climb the ladder and in doing so tallies a huge first out!"

Well, f*ck me. Pitcher's slot comes up next, but we're out of lefty-mashers and generally talented baseball players, so I send up Brian Anderson. Miraculously, he ekes out a walk, loading the bases for Hacktastic Julio Lugo. Whoop-a-dee-f*cking-doo.

"Musser to the stretch, and here's the two-one pitch...fastball, out over the plate and lined...past Blalock and into left field for a base hit! Crede will score, and Olivo's rounding third and coming home! Sinisi fires home, Olivo slides around Laird and he is SAFE! Laird's throw down to third to try to get Anderson -- not in time! A big hit by Julio Lugo and some daring baserunning by the Sox and they're back in this one, down two with the tying run at second!"

D.Y. digs in, and while Buck Showalter's head is still spinning, takes a huge cut at the first pitch he sees, a slow breaking ball. A cracking sound resounds, and the ball shoots off the back of the mound and into center field. This time it's Corey Patterson's throw that's too late to nip our second runner, and we've actually tied it up. Erasmo "The Eraser" Ramirez comes on and gets a couple of ground ball outs to stop our scoring at four, but if we lose now, we only have ourselves to blame. Had we lost without coming back, I would have just blamed the French or Juan Uribe or someone.

Kiko Calero comes on and pitches a perfect seventh, and then he and Ramirez trade scoreless eighth frames, sending us on to the ninth. Matt Herges, affectionately called "Herpes" by at least one Giant fan (maybe more -- UD?), enters for the top half of the ninth, and a one-out single by Julio Lugo looks as though it'll give us life. Instead, Dmitri Young, of all people, raps into a double play, leaving us only the hope of extra innings. Fortunately, thanks to Joe Roa, we get there.

But Herpes has no trouble disposing of our side in the top of the tenth, and I can't shake a bad feeling away from this one. Two errors and two hits later, I realize why.

CHW 4 TEX 5 (10)

WP: M. Herges (4-1)
LP: J. Roa (8-4)

Game Ball Goes To... Well, Brad Fullmer and Joe Crede pretty much blew the game in the tenth by leaving their gloves in the dugout, so it ain't them. D.Y. had 3 of our 7 hits, but also hit into a decidedly un-clutch double play. Pass. Mark Buehrle threw 110 pitches in 5 innings. Running out of candidates here, I guess we're left with either Julio Lugo or the Kool-Aid guy. OH, YEAH!!!

Push for the Playoffs: Anaheim actually won a f*cking game, their first in ten. Improbably enough, it was behind right-hander Bobby Jenks and his 6.50 ERA. Troy Percival closed the door in the five-two win over the Regal Ones, and Boston lost to the Kitties by the same score, so the lead for the New Englanders is down to a mere half-game. All hail Mark Redman.

[The Funk]

Damn, sounds like your players are looking forward to the post-season as much as you are. You'd better get D.Y. signed!

[cknox0723]

page2bumpsave

Originally Posted by The Funk

Damn, sounds like your players are looking forward to the post-season as much as you are. You'd better get D.Y. signed!

Perhaps we're all looking forward to the offseason. Almost certainly, D.Y. is -- because he's going to get way too much money and way too many years for a fat 32 year old outfielder. I'd love to give him four years and $20 million, but I have no doubt that in three years, there'll be better ways to spend that $5 million a year. Still, I'm going to make a strong run after him in free agency. Thanks, as always, for commenting.

If we're going to avoid losing every single game we've played against the m.f.'ing Tejanos this year, we'll need Jon Garland to pitch...well. A dicey proposition, you'd think, but his ERA's 3.69 and he's been going good for two months now. It's the nouveaux version of Esteban Loaiza, but fortunately, we won't have to deal with paying a premium for it. Unless he comes back for mere pennies, but if Derek Lowe can get $36 million, someone's going to throw a few bags with dollar signs on them Jon Moo's way.

Matt Morris, the Tejano answer to Mark Buehrle, gets the ball today, and since he's slightly worse against lefties, I stack the lineup with 'em, even giving the slumping Magglio Ordonez, whose batting average has tumbled to .269, the day off. Lo and behold, the hijinks pay off right in the first frame, as Jeremy Reed cracks an opposite field double and D.Y. brings him home with a single. Jon Moo's first inning is painless, and one of those rare Julio Lugo walks pays dividends in the second, as he swipes second and eventually trots home after a base hit by...wait for it...Jon Garland. If that buffoon Lugo would actually take a lesson from that, things'd be peachy, but he'll pop out on the first pitch his next three at-bats, you watch. 'Least he'll be doing that in Pittsburgh or somewhere next year.

Garland's no-hitter is spoiled by a long David Dellucci home run in the third, but we get that run back in the fourth inning with doubles from Enrique Wilson aaaand (wtf?) Mr. Destiny, Garland himself, who entered the game three for fifty-seven. Read that again. 3-57, and he's 2-2 today. Ramon Vazquez stretches our lead to three with a single after Garland's thumper off the left field wall, and for once, I'm getting a good feeling here.

Garland, whoever the hell he is anymore, continues to tantalize. Sure, he has a few hiccups, handing out a free pass or two to noted sub-.200 hitters like Trey Lunsford, but it ain't gonna matter much if you're not giving up any hits. At all. In the sixth, we just bust things wide open, and it starts again with a Julio Lugo walk. Perhaps this is the Twilight Zone. Miguel Olivo follows with a single through the left side, and after Mr. Destiny takes ball one high, noted backstop Lunsford airmails a throw into left field when Lugo makes a mad dash for third. That gives us one run, and then a hit by -- could I make this up? -- Jon F. Garland gives us another. Three hits all season coming in, three hits and three ribbies today.

Garland departs for a pinch-hitter in the seventh (I know, I know, who could possibly pinch-hit for him?), and Shingo Takatsu gets us through the bottom of that frame, ostensibly closing the door. P.J. Bevis has a rough go of it in the ninth, but it's way too late to mean much, and I'm partying like it's 1999, for in our tenth try, we finally beat the m.f.'ing Rangers.



CHW 9 TEX 4

WP: J. Garland (9-9) - 6 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 3 BB, 3 K, 81 pitches

Oh, yeah, and...

3-3, 1 2B, 2 R, 3 RBI

LP: M. Morris (16-11) - 5.2 IP, 11 H, 7 R

Game Ball Goes To... I'd actually be remiss to not mention the entire offense, as Disillusioned Ramon Vazquez, The Mad Russian, The Relief Ace, and Hackin' Miggy Olivo all had multi-hit games. Oh, and in a true sign of the apocalypse, Julio F. Lugo walked three times...stole two bases and scored twice to boot. But Jon Garland was a man among boys today. Who's getting that $50 million extension again?

Pennant Races and Girlie Chases: The force is just too much. No, I'm not talking about the Gload, but the scrappiness of Los Angeles of Anaheim. They took down the Regal Ones by a four to two count, with Troy Percival, proven closer, saving it for Jarrod Washburn, proven 17-game winner. Meanwhile, the Yankee faithful can finally renew their battle cry of "Boston sucks!" after rookie Anastacio "The Lesser Martinez" was bludgeoned by the Kitties, who sealed an eventual 9-6 victory with Adrian Beltre's sixth inning grand slam off of Gary Knotts. Los Angeles of Scrappiness is now a game up in the wild card, while, in the more important race, we're tied with the Tigers with four to go. Can we hold them off?

[Jestor]

Garland this day was gold,
Godly like Gload.
This never gets old,
Unlike green mold.

[canadiancreed]

Funny how the race of last is actually quite exciting

Give those kitties hell *damn kitties*