Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[cknox0723]

While the Sox were busy performing their own small acts of alchemy, turning Juan Uribe into...hamster paste...and Jeffrey Hammonds into a real, live fifth outfielder, other teams were busy getting actual ballplayers. Most notably -- and this is real cute, in the ironic "f*ck you, Craig" sense -- the Empire added Brian Giles for four years and thirty-some-odd million. Yeah, the same guy that won the MVP last year and has led the land in OPS the last two years. Ho-hum. Even worse, they want Mark Buehrle and only Mark Buehrle for The Gload.

I was tempted, for a moment. Would have solved our first base problems!

The other big news is top-notch starter Joel Pineiro, off a twenty-one win season, gravitating from Seattle to, humorously enough, Pittsburgh. Small-freaking-market Pittsburgh, where he'll eat up a quarter of the payroll for the next five years -- and damned if I don't think it's a good move. Not enough to dethrone the Cubs, but if Buehrle gets $50 million a year, why shouldn't the Steel City do the same for Pineiro?

A guy I would've loved to sign had he just given me and the good old Chicago fans a chance, Mike Cameron, is off to wear the gray and navy blue as well, but in Los Angeles, where low-average power hitters go to die.

Speaking of low-average power-hitters pieces of crap, we'll still see our old "friend" Joe Crede plenty, as he's gone to Cleveland on a three year, four million shekel deal. HA! Incredibly enough, Dirtbag is actually an upgrade for the Tribe, who were so desperate for a third baseman last season that they willingly added Robin Ventura at the deadline. The 39 year old Ventura, another ex-Sock, hit the mighty sum of .214. Predictably, he's off to Toronto for mere pennies. And even less after the exchange rate! Have fun with him, creed.

However, the Tribe did do one of those smart things that make you realize why we suck and they don't, signing Corey Patterson, a fine all-around player who spent last year in Texas, to a four year, twenty million dollar deal. That will make our incredible rise to first place all that much sweeter.

We'll need some actual players to do that, but finally we're taking a step or two towards rectifying that, as Kelvim Escobar, Luis Rivas, and Adam Kennedy are all willing and nearly able to come to Chicago. Kennedy and Rivas are both cut from the same cloth, as either could net us a Gold Glove while popping off all of five home runs. But that's OK when you play second base, have some speed, and hit .280, particularly when you're doing it for low wages. Rivas is the surer bet of the two, strange as that sounds, but he'll also cost more coin. Whoever jumps first gets the prize of starting at second for the Hose.

But Escobar, if we can get him, is the real prize. He's a bona fide top-of-the-rotation pitcher, with 33 wins and two All-Star appearances over '04 and '05. Of course, if he's willing to come to us, he's got to have some warts, and in this case, he's got more than that clouding up his visage. Bone chips, to be precise, ones that limited him to just 13 starts last season. Our scout-fish sings his praises (literally!), not that I really hold much weight to that. But I do think that a strikeout rate near one per inning holds a hell of a lot of weight. Let's just hope we're the only ones that think his repaired shoulder can hold a lot of weight, too.

EDIT: Page 2 and all we've done is sign Jeffrey Hammonds! Funk, I think it'll be an awfully close call as to who starts the season first. We ought to lay down odds and all that jazz.

Not that I, uh, condone gambling or anything like that. Purely for statistical purposes!

[cknox0723]

Thanks for all of the views. (That's not sarcasm, by the way -- comments, schmomments -- just knowing that people read this satisfies me right plenty.)

This next post's probably my favorite of the 15 or so I've done in this second year of black and white ineptitude, mostly because...well, you'll see. Hope you enjoy.

[BadluckinOOTP]

HA! I'm the next post, I'm your favorite!!!!!!!111111111111

[cknox0723]

Life would be much easier if there was more certainty. I often find myself using this as an excuse for not doing something, particularly, say, talking with the fairer dames. I rationalize things as such:

"Oh, well, I don't know how she'll react, so I'll just keep this to myself."

Or better yet:

"It's raining today. I'll do it tomorrow."

Or:

"It's not raining today. Better wait until it is."

That's always a good one. One nice thing about excuses, you can find them no matter what. It's nice at the time. Not so much when you're second-guessing yourself after the fact.

"What does your ridiculous social ineptitude have to do with the Pale Hose?", you ask. Actually, it's quite an easy tie-in.

Signing free agents is a lot like that. With the guys we're chasing right now, we've got about $8.5 million on the table, give or take. $8.5 million that we don't really have. And the worst part is, I'd let go of Jon Garland if I knew I could get Kelvim Escobar, just like I'd say some things to someone if I knew how she'd react. And in the case of the Pale Hose, we could potentially end up hamstrung. Jon Garland and Kelvim Escobar and Miguel Batista is redundant twice over, particularly when we have last year's first rounder, Chris Scarborough, on the verge of exploding on the big leagues. And Luis Rivas and Adam Kennedy play the same position, for eff's sake. But how the hell else can you do it?

And so I stick my eggs in multiple baskets, hoping that I won't end up with yolk all over my hands and face. Same as when I'm just sitting there, trying to figure out the right thing to say. And trying. And trying. And trying. And coming up empty, and more often than not just not saying anything at all.

This ruins the brooding, neurotic state that I actually think I captured pretty well, but BadluckinOOTP, you really do need a shorter user name. And that's twice in 12 hours that you've absolutely cracked me up. Keep it up!

[DAL 9000]

About your last post: two things here.

First, when you say your first-rounder from last year is "ready to explode on the big leagues," do you mean explode or do you mean... EXPLODE? I mean, do you really think his ERA won't start with a 5 this year? Unless maybe it starts with a 6. Hey, you're the Pale Hose.

About the girl, because although you conspicuously refrained from asking for advice, I feel compelled to give it 'cause I'm a total dick: I know other people have probably told you this, but shut up and ask her out already, fool! Look, what's the worst that can happen? I'll tell you what's the worst that's ever happened to ME: I asked Ruth Graham out and she turned me down. OK, no biggie, I got over it. Then a few months later at our school-sponsored graduation party, she volunteered for the hypnotist routine, and at the very end of it he said, "Is there a boy you think is very, very cute, Ruth?" and she said, "Yes." and he said, "When I say [whatever the word was, "rockslide" or something] you'll go find that boy, and you'll make out with him," and that's how she ended up Frenching Ajayi Lawrence in front of the entire Class of 2003, including me, of course.

Dude, this girl of yours will NOT end up publicly making out with one of your classmates while under hypnosis. Probably. Neither will she stare at you afterwards when you tell her, "Hey, no worries, Ruth. Who among us hasn't been taken advantage of by a travelling hypnotist?" And even if she /does/ get hypnotized into making out with one of your classmates /and/ stare at you afterwards, you'll get over it.

Eventually.

Stupid friggin' hypnotists and their stupid, stupid rockslides.

Ruth goes to BYU now, though. True story.

[canadiancreed]

Robin Ventura at the deadline. The 39 year old Ventura, another ex-Sock, hit the mighty sum of .214. Predictably, he's off to Toronto for mere pennies. And even less after the exchange rate! Have fun with him, creed.

Oh.....good

lord the TO GM must have brains of rock. With Hinske at third, why the hell would we get a guy that would have been useful.....in 1992?!

[The Funk]

Originally Posted by DAL 9000

About the girl, because although you conspicuously refrained from asking for advice, I feel compelled to give it 'cause I'm a total dick: I know other people have probably told you this, but shut up and ask her out already, fool! Look, what's the worst that can happen? I'll tell you what's the worst that's ever happened to ME: I asked Ruth Graham out and she turned me down. OK, no biggie, I got over it. Then a few months later at our school-sponsored graduation party, she volunteered for the hypnotist routine, and at the very end of it he said, "Is there a boy you think is very, very cute, Ruth?" and she said, "Yes." and he said, "When I say [whatever the word was, "rockslide" or something] you'll go find that boy, and you'll make out with him," and that's how she ended up Frenching Ajayi Lawrence in front of the entire Class of 2003, including me, of course.

Dude, this girl of yours will NOT end up publicly making out with one of your classmates while under hypnosis. Probably. Neither will she stare at you afterwards when you tell her, "Hey, no worries, Ruth. Who among us hasn't been taken advantage of by a travelling hypnotist?" And even if she /does/ get hypnotized into making out with one of your classmates /and/ stare at you afterwards, you'll get over it.

Eventually.

Stupid friggin' hypnotists and their stupid, stupid rockslides.

Ruth goes to BYU now, though. True story.

Well I feel sorry for you, but that's a hilarious post, must be the way you've written it that makes me want to abandon all sympathy and laugh till I spit water all over my keyboard. Anyway, the solution is clearly to go gay:

1) men always want sex so no problems there
2) women are really complicated and annoying
3) chicks seem to dig gay guys
4) If your free agents don't sign you can accuse them of prejudice and sue their asses (that's how things work in America, right?)
5) gay is the new straight, you'll be invited to all the cool parties.
6) you won't have to mess around trying to unhook all those fiddly bra things. They're lethal! One wrong move and the straps snap back and take your eye(s) out! Seriously, that's what happened to Stevie Wonder.

[DAL 9000]

Originally Posted by The Funk

Well I feel sorry for you, but that's a hilarious post, must be the way you've written it that makes me want to abandon all sympathy and laugh till I spit water all over my keyboard.

No worries. That is, of course, what I was aiming for. Also, I know you were talking to Craig, but I'd always /wondered/ what happened to Stevie Wonder, and now it can be told!

[Magatsu]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Thanks for all of the views. (That's not sarcasm, by the way -- comments, schmomments -- just knowing that people read this satisfies me right plenty.)

O.k. I'm one of the "viewers" so I have to admit it was a brilliant move by you to start a new thread after being elected No 1 in Vris' Poll and I have to admit I missed the first one and am really sorry.

But now you have me. And when I have time I go through your first one. The few links you and some others posted (the locker room conversation with your catcher after being expelled was hillarious brilliant (and brilliant hillarious!!!)) convinced me.

And this one .... like I said: I'm on.

Good luck (although that would spoil the fun, wouldn't it? )

M

[cknox0723]

Hey-ho...look out below...that's a lot of comments. Here's what I got in response.

1. "Hinksi is a bust there ear."
2. That's the funniest post I've ever read.
3. I'm already blind and so don't have to worry about fiddly bras attacking me anyway.
4. Magatsu -- that's an interesting user name. What does it mean?

Originally Posted by DAL

And even if she /does/ get hypnotized into making out with one of your classmates /and/ stare at you afterwards, you'll get over it.

Man oh man, that really might be the funniest thing I've ever read. I'm giggling like a little girl. (Cue UD with another picture...)

Oh, and Chris Scarborough's stats:

LEVEL		GS	IP	H	BB	K	ERA
A Winston-Salem	7	47.1	28	7	38	2.47
AA Birmingham	11	74.1	48	17	74	2.54

He's 22. I'm really, really tempted to just put him in the major leagues right now, as irrational as it is. Instead, here's something that's possibly even sillier. (HA! Now no one's going to cut in before I post!)

[BadluckinOOTP]

[Pretty Jeffrey] You called? [/Pretty Jeffrey]

[cknox0723]

All is still right in the world, as, despite the rather free-wheeling of most of the flush-with-cash AL Central, the Royals are still making stupid moves. This offseason, it's not Benito Santiago or Brian Anderson, but left-handed reliever Scott Stewart, who gets three years and more than six and a half million despite barely clearing 100 innings the past two years. Stewart's not a bad pitcher, really, as you can pretty much mark him down for fifty innings and a sub-4.50 ERA. But nor is he a great one, even for a middle reliever, and so you're left asking, "What's the point?" In this case, I suppose it's that we move a half-step closer to fourth place.

So, too, does the signing of Wilson Alvarez to the powder blue, if only because he's 36. The Twins, meanwhile, threw $12 million over 3 years at Eric Byrnes to fill one of their outfield slots, defensible because he'll hit 40 doubles, but debatable because he'll probably hit .250. Either way, he's probably better than Jeremy "Fetal Position" Reed. Cleveland, rather predictably, gets the only real player of the bunch in Shannon Stewart, and for relative pennies for a guy that's hit .300 eight straight years -- a three-year deal worth slightly over $15 million.

We bring home Eric Munson for the bare-bones minimum, and if he hits .200, he'll still probably be worth more than Joe Crede. And in one of the more ironic twists of the last nine months, Jon Garland's back in the Pale Hose, and he'll be around for a while. Three years, $4.5 million.

Now, before you string me up to a tree, this ain't your father's Jon Moo. Yes, he walked 95 batters last season, second in the league, but Garland was a completely different pitcher after July, with a 6-2 record and an ERA under two in his last seventy-five plus frames. And the most encouraging part is that he walked just 25 batters over that stretch, or one every three innings rather than one every two. Maybe something's clicked. If it hasn't, well, at least it's not Esteban Loaiza all over again.

Man, I hate that ######.

EDIT: Son of a monkey, I am never, ever going to say "Here's the next post" again!

[Mike D]

You know, I'm having success with some of the players you don't like in my solo league. When I get home, I'll post some of their numbers. Mainly, Joe Borchard, Jeremy Reed, and Joe Crede. Although Crede is a small sample size, Reed had a good year last year, started off good this year, and Borchard was good after I aquired him during the season last year. Tune in later and be surprised.

[Magatsu]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

4. Magatsu -- that's an interesting user name. What does it mean?

It's the name of a character from a Japanese comic: http://www.angelfire.com/anime/mangatemple/bi.html

[Mike D]

Originally Posted by Mike D

You know, I'm having success with some of the players you don't like in my solo league. When I get home, I'll post some of their numbers. Mainly, Joe Borchard, Jeremy Reed, and Joe Crede. Although Crede is a small sample size, Reed had a good year last year, started off good this year, and Borchard was good after I aquired him during the season last year. Tune in later and be surprised.

Just a brief hijacking and then you can have it back....

               H    AB    HR   AVG   OPS
Borchard      74   256     9  .289  .781
2005 MIL   

Reed 05      169   614     8  .278  .693
06            27    81     0  .331  .816

Granted, not really All-Star performances, but pretty good nonetheless.

[Carlton]

OMG, not only is this thread funny, but DAL has the funniest thing I have ever read on these boards!

[DAL 9000]

Score! Now I finally have something I can put in my sig! (With your kind permission, Carlton.)

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Carlton

OMG, not only is this thread funny, but DAL has the funniest thing I have ever read on these boards!

And even though it barely relates to the Pale Hose, the thread just keeps growing and growing! I love it! Vris really may have been right when he said so long ago that this is like OT in the dynasty forum.

To continue along those lines, cross the origin of Magatsu's user name and DAL's hilarious story and you might just end up with this link, perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen outside of these boards. Be sure to check out the White Sox cartoon on the middle of page two.

And to get completely back on topic...

Originally Posted by Mike D

Just a brief hijacking and then you can have it back....

               H    AB    HR   AVG   OPS
Borchard      74   256     9  .289  .781
2005 MIL   

Reed 05      169   614     8  .278  .693
06            27    81     0  .331  .816

Granted, not really All-Star performances, but pretty good nonetheless.

You're right, that really isn't too bad. With Reed, I can see it. I can almost see him doing well for us this year, though that's probably the black-and-white colored glasses. Stretches like he had for us early last year, with a couple of game-winning home runs, show that his talent's definitely there. But it's entirely possible that his inconsistency and lack of patience will win out. Your version of Reed may be in a different universe, but it still gives me a little bit of hope for the former.

Borchard, on the other hand, just sucks, no caveats attached. And yet...a .289 average. I can't fathom that. Well, maybe I can. Mike, I'm curious, how did Borchard fare against left-handers for you? That was his crux for our club, to say the least, though I suppose his crux was really any biped with a functioning arm.

Speaking of having trouble with the old batting practice fastball...

[cknox0723]

Anaheim has signed Julio Lugo to a four year deal.

What else can I say?

[Jestor]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Anaheim has signed Julio Lugo to a four year deal.

What else can I say?

Because he's an Angel now, The God of OOTP will give him madcap talent boosts... both because he's an angel and because the Almighty of Baseball clearly hates you and does his best to ensure that the Pale Hose will be teh suk.