Yet Another OOTP6 Dynasty, Year 2: One Flew Over the Pale Hose

[cknox0723]

I would quote someone, but my brain is not fully functioning at this hour. Know what really, truly sucks? Waking up from a deep sleep at 3 am for reasons unknown, sore as hell, tossing and turning for an hour and then realizing that you've got to get up in 3 hours anyway. But at least I'm now...48 12 minutes from enjoying a delicious greasy breakfast of bacon and eggs.

Fielder was traded back in July of '05 to Cleveland for 3B Casey Blake, as the Crew apparently got tired of having Wes Helms and Keith Ginter suck up out after out at the hot corner and field like a young Ron Gant to boot. Blake is still with the team and the man can hit, posting a season line of .305 avg, .353 obp, and .409 slg in 2005, and then in a full year in 'Sconsin last year, he improved his power output enough to make up for a 20 point loss in batting average. His final line came out to a .287 average, .337 on-base, and .425 slugging with 75 runs batted in. He'll make just $730,000 this year, and if the Crew let him go, I think Blake would look quite debonair in Pale Hose.

Fielder, meanwhile, spent a year toiling at Kinston (A-ball) and busted out with 37 home runs, but of course the Tribe saw fit to keep him down there last year as well. Finally, with a batting average hovering around .250, they dealt him to Arizona hours before the trade deadline, in exchange for sidearming righty reliever Mike Koplove. It's too bad; a sidearming righty seems very appropriate on a team named after a Snake, but I digress. Koplove was brilliant down the stretch, winning at least four games that I can recall for the Tribe, and his composite season line reads an 8-1 record and a 3.07 ERA in 73 innings, as well as a fantastic record when entering with men on base. To top it off, Koplove pitched seven and a third innings in the postseason, allowing just a single run, and he picked up a key win in Game Two of the ALCS, tying up the only series that Cleveland needed the full slate of games to win. Koplove is in Seattle now, but flags fly forever.

Little Cecil has 100 home runs in three years of A-ball, and he's slated to play at AA for the first time this year. His other skills are suspect; he looks like a .250 hitter with mediocre strike zone judgement, but, boy, can he hit the ball a mile.

Meanwhile, Gwynn's been in the Arizona system for a year and a half, coming over for the immortal Einar Diaz. An oops on the part of Milwaukee management, as Diaz is your typical good-field, no-hit backstop. This will go down as the modern version of the Julio Machado for Charlie O'Brien deal of September 1990, but on the bright side for Milwaukee, Machado, a hot prospect at the time, never quite lived up to the hype -- but apparently because of a lack of opportunity, since his numbers look good. Maybe he got hurt. Maybe he devoted his life to the Tao (of Steve?), who knows. Won't shake out that way in this case, though, as Gwynn is slated to start in center and lead off for the Snakes. He hasn't posted an on-base percentage above even .300 since A-ball a year and a half ago, so I doubt very much that it'll work out, but the scout-trout loves him. We'll see.

That was much longer than I planned, but I much liked it. Written all on the fly, too. That means you can shower me with lavish praise now.

P.S. My musical recommendation for the day, its presence sealing the fact that I am both deliriously tired and losing my mind. Nevertheless, the sun's poking out now, and I can get some chow in 12 minutes, so awake I shall remain. If you have made sense of this post, give yourself a pat on the back. And if it actually made sense...nah, I don't give myself quite that much credit.

[Carlton]

I am getting injury prone as well

1 1/2 weeks ago I dislocated my shoulder, now I have this pain in my upper neck, seems I wake up with a new pain every freakin day

[Y0DA55]

Craig, you never cease to amaze me. How you make everything so interesting to read boggles my mind.

[jaykno14]

Wow I didn't think you had to explain it that in depth but thank you! Lots of moves for Prince and I hope he can maybe pan out to what he was suppose to be when they drafted him.

[gordyhulten]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Me too.
It's actually pretty easy, though. Back up your regular file, name it something like "Spring Training" file. Open up that one, change the active roster limit to 40 and turn off all the fancy roster rules (all done in the "league setup" screen). That'll allow you to play your rookies and prospects. Then delete the schedule (found under "edit schedule" in league setup) and add your own games in.

Since I am obsessive-compulsive about this stuff, I injured all of the Indians' veterans and starting position players so they would play the scrubs, too, but that was probably just so we could get a 'W'. But it works OK as a spring training model, even if it doesn't mean anything -- the only thing I plan to carry over are injuries, no development and obviously no stats. I just like baseball, that's it.

That's brilliant.

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by Y0DA55

Craig, you never cease to amaze me. How you make everything so interesting to read boggles my mind.

How anyone considers my writing interesting to read; that's what boggles my mind, but I'm incredibly grateful for it.

A sincere thanks to all of you guys, "Old Aches and Pains Carlton" included. (There, you finally have a nickname! ) Your comments, compliments, questions, rants, wit, and readership are really, truly appreciated.

[cknox0723]

The Sailors Giants are in the post-Bonds era, but with solid batsmen Lance Berkman, Paul Konerko (sadly, both of whom could have been with the Pale Hose if things shook out differently last offseason), and Ed Alfonzo, the problem in San Francisco isn't really in run scoring, but the other side of the coin.

This is a team that's more accurately defined as being in the post-Jason Schmidt era, as their pitching staff's still searching for an ace to replace the man who took home the NL's Cy Young three years ago. Jesse Foppert may be up for the task, as scout-trout loves the 26 year old who threw 227 innings of slightly below-league-average ball last year, but I see a walk rate of 3.6 per nine and a K rate of 6.7 and think that he still needs some work. Still, a big jump's not out of the question. To compete, the Giants will need that, as the remainder of the rotation is composed of control artist Mark Hendrickson and three guys with single-digit wins and double-digit losses last year. The bullpen's similar to Arizona's -- expensive, but decent enough. Won't matter much if the starters combine for an ERA of four and a half, and they just well might.

The ballpark and defense will keep the carnage to a minimum as much as possible, though, and the latter of those two is keyed by a double play combo of...(UD is going to scream when he reads this )...Luis Rivas and Rey Ordonez, with Neifi Perez backing up! To be fair, Rivas ain't too shabby, if you'll recall from the offseason, and Ordonez has hit .270 the last two years. But, man, those are some empty batting averages. Having A.J. Pierzynski wallop 35 doubles and hit .280 while wearing shin guards makes up for it quite a bit, though. If that hacktastic (TM) middle infield duo doesn't completely fall apart and Jyse Cryz improves on his dreadful .231/.292/.374 line of a year ago (and he will), San Fran should have no trouble finishing in the top half of the league in run scoring.

But, jeepers, that starting pitching is dreadful, and in typical Giants fashion, they have no one on the farm that'll help out. This is the same club that made a psuedo-number two starter out of Woody for eight years, though, so they're used to it by now.

[MattStewNYY]

What they really need is Relief Ace with a few more innings under his belt.

Luis Sojo maybe?

[UngratefulDead]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Luis Rivas and Rey Ordonez, with Neifi Perez backing up!

Sweet chocolate Christ...

[ifspuds]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

a double play combo of...(UD is going to scream when he reads this )...Luis Rivas and Rey Ordonez, with Neifi Perez backing up!

As a lifelong Dodgers fan, there are few things that could warm my heart more than reading something like this. (Sorry UD)

[UngratefulDead]

Originally Posted by ifspuds

As a lifelong Dodgers fan, there are few things that could warm my heart more than reading something like this. (Sorry UD)

[cknox0723]

Originally Posted by MattStewNYY

What they really need is Relief Ace with a few more innings under his belt.

Luis Sojo maybe?

Originally Posted by UngratefulDead

Sweet chocolate Christ...

I have nothing to add to these two comments, but they both made me chuckle.

[cknox0723]

Whatever honor these San Diegans once had is fading further and further into memory, as they've notched three straight mediocre .500 or below seasons in a row in this universe. To avoid a fourth such occurance without the services of two-time MVP Brian Giles, who's now with the Empire, Maxwell Lord Padre management worked in earnest this offseason, securing Aubrey Huff to play third and Brady Clark to wander around in left, all for the low, low annual price of $12 million per year for the next four annums. Maybe Clark's agent threw in a free T-shirt and a bumper sticker to swing the deal, who knows. Neither is a star, but if Huff, who hit just .244 last year, can return to his earlier .900+ OPS form (and remember, that's top-15 in this league), the Friars will have a bargain.

But we could play the hypothetical game all day long. If OOTP knew names, Derrek Lee wouldn't've whiffed 117 times in 398 at-bats last year. If Chone Figgins could steal bases at a reasonable rate, his first name would probably be spelled 'Sean', like it's pronounced. If I bludgeoned Esteban Loaiza in the head with a hammer, I'd be looking at a busted computer monitor.

OK, I guess that last one's not really a hypothetical. Nonetheless, the Padres probably won't come within shouting distance of last year 12th place finish in run scoring, even if Giles' replacement, Freddy Guzman, lives up to the hype of two strong years in the high minors. For the team to reach last year's scoring prowess, they'll need almost everyone mentioned above to exceed average expectations, as well as watch holdovers like Ramon Hernandez bounce back. Sure, some of that will happen, and Mark Loretta will almost certainly hit .290 again -- but all of it happening? That sort of luck only happens to WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS -- which, even if they hit like crazy, the Padres won't be.

They just don't seem to have the pitching to get there. It feels strange saying that, though, probably because this club has enough depth that Jake Peavy is in AAA. Peavy is not quite as laudable as you might first think from hearing his name, mostly due to the still-lingering effects of a muscle tear three fateful Aprils ago, but the man's still tallied 21 wins at AAA Portland in the last year and a half. He's earned his chance at the next level, but he won't get it without injuries. And yet, there's nothing all that great standing in his way. Jimmy Haynes is the team's ace (imagine that), and rightfully so after a 15-8, 3.35 campaign in 2006. His peripherals don't scream out "fluke"...but even without factoring in his ho-hum career record, there's still something about last year that seems out of place.

Ever been sitting around, watching someone or something when you know you shouldn't be? Spying, per se...and trying to hide it by pretending to read a book? I know you have; I have, doesn't make me a stalker. As for that little restraining order...(rimshot) Well, most of the time you can get away with the "psuedo-read" as a cover, but the "just-reading-a-book" alibi doesn't quite work if you're holding the book upside down, and you can't even pretend to be looking at the pictures then. Anyway, that's Jimmy Haynes right about now -- an upside-down book.

Not feeling it, huh? I tried.

Behind The Upside-Down Book is not my ugly mug, but Brian Lawrence, who's given up a staggering five hundred and twenty-nine (!!!) hits the past two seasons and still managed to pitch at a league-average level. At some point, though, it becomes a trend, and putting a man and a half on an inning is just tempting fate. John Thomson's also an OK pitcher, though considering he's likely the only return for All-Star Jake Gautreau, just OK will forever be considered too little while he's in San Diego. More 4.25 ERA's await in the persons of Adam Eaton and 24 year old Sean Thompson, who's bandied about as a future ace, but that's a non-sequitur when you're handing out a free pass every other inning. Give it a year; everyone will hate him, the Pale Hose will swing a trade for him and the criminally underappreciated Peavy and...you know the rest.

Like, it seems, the rest of the division, this club has a fine bullpen, though it's very inexperienced beyond 39 year old closer Trevor Hoffman, who's pitched three straight fantastic seasons, hasn't yet showed any signs of slowing, and is 51 saves away from 500. Well, Jay Witasick and Greg Jones are also veterans, setup men who aren't bad but...well, why pay these guys much more than a million bucks? They ain't putting up an ERA near Hoffman's level without a whole lot of luck, and they aren't pitching 150 innings like Mike Marshall, so in the end...ah, I'm preaching to the choir, anyway. Suffice it to say that this team has a lot of illusory strength in pitching, both at the major and minor league levels, but it's not really there. It's also telling that the best center field in the system, 21 year old Delmon Young, acquired a year and a half back for Khalil "White Shoes" Greene, is sitting in AAA in favor of Tim Raines -- Senior or Junior, that's a lousy idea. But this organization's chock full of those. Let's send in the ALCU, get some of the Jake Peavys in Pale Hose, and after another year of struggles, declare these suckers bearers of all that is bold and free.

[TotalEnd98]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

Maxwell Lord Padre management worked in earnest this offseason

[cknox0723]

spam!!!!

hopefully i will not get castigated for this utterly meaningless bump. i'd castigate myself, but i'm not entirely sure i know how.

anyhow, this is more of a reminder to myself to lurk less and post more. tomorrow, i think i'll be ready to resume with the regular updates. in the meantime, go check out the inimitable mr. hulten's republican league, recently named the #17 dynasty of 2005 by a wise short guy. #1 in my book, but, hell, i don't have a book, just a couple haikus.

[canadiancreed]

Originally Posted by cknox0723

creed might sob at the state of affairs up north. The Blue Jays have the stars that the bottom-feeding Rays are lacking, with Roy Halladay giving Mark Buehrle a run for his money and Carlos Delgado striking terror into the Department of Homeland Security and opposing pitchers alike. But there ain't much help. However, there is some hope, I suppose, as many of the bit players on the club struggled last year.

P.S. Pls scroll over & read "notes" u wil go thx!

PLAYER		AGE	'05 OPS		'06 OPS		CHANGE		NOTES
C G. Quiroz	25	.779		.616		-.163		catching full-time sucks.  just ask Guillermo!
1B C. Delgado	34	1020		.962		-.058		pray for aging first sackers making $12.95 mill.
2B O. Hudson	29	.868		.793		-.075		age 27 peak season!
3B E. Hinske	29	.771		.739		-.032		hinksi is a bust there ear, even if his had was fine, he sucks
SS D. Berg	36	ewww		yuck		wow		ouch
Left Fielders	26	.760		.800		+.040		L. Nix and A. Rios; both should play
CF V. Wells	28	.921		.766		-.155		not so studly when he hits .260, like so many before him (Soriano?)
RF M. Restovich	28	Pass		.706		who cares?	.296 OBP...it's cringe-tastic!

There's no Proven Closer (TM, with a nod to Mr. Hulten), with the likely candidates being unappealing sorts named Knott (not good) and Geary (switch gears). The back of the rotation's nasty, too, and not along the lines of a Rick Ankiel fastball. Mike Bacsik? Chris Reitsma? These guys grow on trees.

Scott Thorman, a 25 year old with prodigious power, provides a nice trade chit since he resides in terror of The Terrorist, and that sucking wound at short (see pretty chart above) could be filled by 26 year old Russ Adams, who has a 1.000 career batting average despite never reaching AAA, or 24 year old Aaron Hill, who's, uh, in AAA. Barely. He struck out 164 times and received 21 free passes in AA last year.

And that might best personify the Jays. Hope rests on a shortstop with an "abundance of talent" and 8 whiffs for every walk, or maybe hope resting on last year's first rounder Tom Fresquez, an 18 year old third sacker whose line at single-A Dunedin was lousy enough to not merit a mention. The Evil Fishies may be a worse organization than us; it's a close call. But the Blue Jays give us both a run for our money. All $53,666,953 of it. And that's even less with the exchange rate.

priceless....yet quite derpessing. WTF is dave berg doing playing SS?! In a solo league i did he was riding the pine in 10 games and off to some forelorn team in 30. pure choad.

adn the no-name brand in right? you know it's bad when nothing but your pal Hal, Dalgado, and Wells.

Oh and.....Ventura that'll make the difference

[cknox0723]

well, this was unexpected. glad to see you emerge from time warp and CUBA, creed.

Originally Posted by canadiancreed

priceless....yet quite derpessing. WTF is dave berg doing playing SS?! In a solo league i did he was riding the pine in 10 games and off to some forelorn team in 30. pure choad.

i have no idea why he's even in baseball. that's why i didn't post his numbers...that would make the misery even worse!

Originally Posted by creed

adn the no-name brand in right? you know it's bad when nothing but your pal Hal, Dalgado, and Wells.

well, orlando hudson's a nice player, and their left fielders are not terrible, either. but, yeah, they have as few good players as the pale hose. that's sad.

Originally Posted by creed

Oh and.....Ventura that'll make the difference

i found it absolutely hilarious that he didn't start over eric hinske. if you can't beat out a guy that can't even hit .260, perhaps it's time to retire? and hinske is not exactly ken boyer at third base, either.

glad to see you pass through here, creed. i'll make sure to check on the blow blue jays once or twice during the season just to get you to post!

on another note, i am enjoying the fact that i have apparently forgotten how to use the shift key. however, i am not daring enough to try to put this style on the pale hose, so you're spared of that for now.

and now, an actual update!

[cknox0723]

How many teams have ever won a World Series with a 22-year-old catcher? The answer is two. The 1964 Cardinals and the 1981 Dodgers. 26 years later, dem bums are looking to turn the same trick even though the evil statheadzz haven't descended into this universe to trade off the team's heart & soul, Paul LoDuca. One year removed from being taken #7 overall, Herbert Mitchell is poised to storm straight from AA, where he put up a .375 OBP and not much else (if that makes any sense), to the bigs, and apparently take LoDuca's job right from him. Likely Mitchell won't win Rookie of the Year honors, but the most encouraging sign for the 2007 Bums to become the third team to win a World Series with a 22 year old catcher is that their success this year won't be at all dependent on said 22 year old rookie catcher.

A near $15 million increase in payroll allowed a Dodger offense that placed 7th in the league in run scoring last year to beef up even more with beefy left fielder Cliff Floyd and the decline phase of the long unappreciated Mike Cameron. Come to think of it, Floyd's in his age 34 season, too, but his OBP was 70 points higher last season. However, little does that matter now, as they're both at zero; either could fall apart this year, but the same is technically true for any baseball player anywhere, no? Uh, anyway, the point I was going to make was that adding those two pushed incumbent left fielder Frank "Catalanotto Dressing", a fine hitter in his own right, to...second base. Shades of the 1968 Tigers there. With Mark Grudzielanek still around and guzzling from the fountain of youth, it's too bad that F-Cat can't slot in at short or third, but Shawn Green and Co. will still score loads o' runs. They may not hit .271 as a team again, even with Floyd, but there are too many solid bats lying around for the offense to struggle. Too many 34 year old bats to have any success in 2009, though.

But couple a year's worth of a solid offense with some fantastic pitching, and this team, complete with 22 year old catcher, should give the Mets a run for their money, all one hundred million of it. Randy "Transmission" Wolf was the big addition to a rotation that was just mediocre last year; he'll replace the stunningly, fantastically mediocre Mike Maroth, which is Welsh for (get this!) "stunningly medicore." But the real key is the middling group in front of Eric "Ice" Gagne, as it's an incredibly poor consortium outside of young Oscar Villareal, who was superb in front of the 43 save man last year. Their likelihood for success is dubious, but the trade market brims with possibilities. Like super-LOOGY Mike Gallo!

If 23 year old Ed Jackson takes a step forward, the rotation could rival the Mets, which, if you've forgotten, is a damned fine compliment. Like most young pitchers, Jackson, an All-Star and 17 game winner in 2006, is an enigma. His numbers were gaudy, particularly his tasty 9.8 per 9 strikeout rate, but his ERA was an unsightly 4.84. That's Esteban territory. Still, he pitched well enough to win (what does that even mean?)...and, more importantly, he's got 43 big-league wins at the age of twenty-three. And that strikeout rate! He'll be a star; one that walks a few too many, but a star nonetheless.

But what if he gets hurt? Sure, there's young Hong-Chih Kuo, who went 9-3 in 18 starts, but he's wild as an uncaged gorilla, too. The club's trio of 30 year olds, Wolf, Sid Ponson, and Jeff Weaver, has a more stable, less mercurial track record, but, that ain't necessarily such a compliment. Weaver gave up 264 hits last year, and Wolf's ERA in Philly was right around 4.00, league average. They won't get much help from the defense, either, -- Cameron may be a world-class center fielder, but Cliff Floyd is a blinking frog on a lilypad in left, and Frank Catalanotto's an outfielder playing second base. On the farm, there's no moundsmen above A-ball worth mentioning, and this bullpen is still making me want to rip out my hair. Guillermo Mota's earned run average hasn't dipped below four the last three years. In Dodger Stadium. I could pitch that "well." Chad Bradford could be the key to the team's fate. His ERA's risen four straight years, culminating in an unsightly 4.76 last year, but his peripherals remained average enough, and he's pitching in Dodger Stadium. If he can provide another chain-link to Gagne, that could allow this club to hold down a lead or two.

Negativity aside, this club ostensibly improved their offense this offseason. They could score 800 runs. In Dodger Stadium. And the pitching staff doesn't contain anyone named Loaiza. That's got to be enough to make them the favorite...right?

[cknox0723]

my sleep cycle is rather f---ed up, but give me a day (or two) and i should be ok. (p.s. pls click link great instrumental song) and an easy week this one should be, too -- thanks for caring! as i wait for my spaghetti to cool down, figured it was time to finish off the nl west once and for all.

the above is probably the strangest paragraph ever seen in this forum but, hell, why not.

[cknox0723]

Over the past few months, my buddy and I have collaborated on a baseball talk show broadcast on his college's radio station, a "show" that has come tantalizingly close to answering the oft-pondered question, "If you broadcast a radio show and no one listens, is it really a radio show?" Regardless of the answer, we spent nearly three full weeks talking about Denver's Finest Ballclub, so in honor of that, here are 10 questions on this version of the Colorado Rockies.

1. How the hell did they make the playoffs last year? I thought baseball in Denver couldn't win without a salary cap?

Good ball players can win anywhere. This was your typical Rockies outfit -- led the league in scoring. They won because the pitching was passable enough, allowing less runs than 12 other clubs. Most of that was thanks to Billy Wagner, who was utterly brilliant in 81.2 innings, posting a 1.32 ERA and saving 38 games. If Mark Prior hadn't been channeling Bob Gibson, Wagner might've been a Cy Young candidate. The rotation, led by two strikeout pitchers in Russ Ortiz and Dustin McGowan, was also pretty good, but even more importantly, healthy. Brian Bohanon, Mike Harkey, and Bryan Rekar weren't wasting 15 awful starts for this club, and any "long-time" Pale Hose reader can tell you that those sort of horrific performances add up. (Marc Kaiser anyone?)

The Rocks still had a few token chumps get rocked, but it was limited to 100 or so innings out of the 'pen in the names of Brian Fuentes and Sam Marsonek. Luther Hackman, acquired in May for Cleveland's whipping boy, Mark Bellhorn, provided a solid set-up duo along with Javier Lopez. Eight decent pitchers coupled with the number one offense in the league was enough to get the Coloradans their first division winner.

2. So are they going to repeat this year?

How the hell do you expect me to answer that in one question? What would I write for the next eight, then?

3. OK, fine. What did they do this offseason?

Nothing. Signed Shawn Estes to lead the Colorado Springs Sky Sox to the PCL championship. Inspired, isn't it?

4. Well, what is that?

Classic case of "It worked once, it'll work again." The fallacy of overgeneralization, maybe, or the disease of the 2003 Anaheim Angels.

5. Is that really all they did? Shawn F. Estes?

They added the new Vinny Castilla in Pedro Feliz, who hit 50 home runs in AAA last year, but it cost them Claudio Vargas, who went an unimpressive 5-12 last year but with an above-average 3.67 ERA. And remember, that was on top of a freaking mountain. Draft him for your fantasy team this year.

6. So who replaces Vargas in the rotation?

Ben "Coonskin Cap" Crockett, who has 85.1 above-average major league innings to his credit and 55 starts at AAA with an ERA solidly in the mid-threes, but who doesn't strike out enough batters nor walk few enough, last year's 11 walks in 45 innings notwithstanding, to have any extended success at altitude. He's the new Denny Stark.

7. They have an ace that's going to pick up the slack, then?

The mantle of ace falls down to two capable pitchers, Russ Ortiz and the 24 year old Dustin McGowan. Ortiz went a shiny 17-7 last year, but it's not repeatable. He posted a 4.08 ERA in his first year on the mountaintop, most likely he'll split the difference between the two this season.

McGowan went 15-10, 3.28 last year in a breakout season, and coupled with his youth, I'm glad that I'm lacking in a Ken Rosenthal in this universe. He struck out 10 batters per nine innings last season, but also gave up just 157 hits in 214 innings. Somehow I doubt that'll happen again. Of course, I doubt the entire concept of a true "ace" in Denver, even only in OOTP. I could be wrong.

8. What's with all these good pitchers? Is it the defense?

Naw, aside from Edgar Renteria and the wonderful Todd Helton, the defense isn't anything special. These are just decent pitchers. A novel concept in Colorado, really. But Wagner won't be as superb again and I like those two "aces" to decline a bit, too. Regression to the mean, considering the source -- Coors Field.

9. The offense might need to score a thousand runs, then. Will they?

Uh, no. Helton's a stud, of course, and only hit .270 last year, so he'll pick up a bit. But I don't see J.D. Closser slugging .550 again; hell, Charles Johnson almost did that one year, and in fact, he's still on the roster. But how many Charles Johnsons do you need?

I still see this group as Todd & the Toddlers. Maybe I'm getting caught up in the names. But Brad Hawpe slugged .389 two years ago, .492 last year. Same for Cory Sullivan -- he jumped from .330 to .470 in the same category over the course of a year. Sure, those two and Jayson Werth will all be 27 years old this season, and we all know how great that is, but what's more reliable -- looking at two or three years of statistics or just one? I'd bet on the former, and that spells out regression pretty plainly for many of the Colorado hitters.

Feliz, the big offseason pickup (?), will be an upgrade on Mark Schramek and his empty .233 average, but so, too, would Battleaxe Steinfeldt lying on a cot. Aaron Miles and Edgar Renteria are a decent double-play combination, particularly Edgar if he hits closer to .300 rather than the .270 he hit last year, but even at their best, they're complementary players. Leadoff hitters, number six hitters, not stars. Miguel Tejada and Bad Company DeSilva they are not.

So you're left hoping that J.D. Closser hits .300 with 20 home runs again, and that the entire outfield not only stays healthy but drives in a collective 250 runs for a second time. But who are they going to drive in? Aside from Helton, no one gets on base unless they hit .280. Sure, everyone might do that again, but it's much more likely that they don't, yes? I don't like this team to score a thousand runs or even 800 like they did last year. They'll be lucky to be among the top-10 run scoring clubs.

10. Well, that was quite the poetic little ending there. But you've still got another question, smartass. Come up with something brilliant!

Well, let's see here. Nothing on the farm...nothing up my sleeve...good thing I'm not on the radio right now.

I don't know. All I've really got is a rhetorical question. Now, apparently I have all these thoughts "on how things are", to quote Jim Bouton. But why the hell are they spent on the Colorado Rockies? Is it the brisk mountain air? Man against nature? Or maybe it's that I know no one will disagree with what I say, because who the hell knows anything about the Rockies? Somehow I think it's that last one.