I'm back!!

[jazzrack]

ok, that's not technically correct, I never actually left, I was essentially on the DL. and it could be said I am not off it yet because Monday I head out for 16 days in Hawaii to complete my course of R&R, but I am likely to be more active around here in the next 20 days than I have been in the last few months.

now here's a thing... while I don't think I owe anybody an explanation but because I am caretaker of ootphub.com (ootpmods.com) I do think you deserve one and that leaves me with a dilemma.

I could shorten it to a sentence

I had an anxiety attack that, due to a number of circumstances, has essentially lasted 6 months.

and while true enough for government work it is lacking flavor and I might be remiss if I avoided an opportunity to spread awareness and understanding about some issues thousands, if not millions, are dealing with. I am no advocate and I don't talk about it much about these things, not because I am embarrassed or worried about stigma but because I don't want victimize myself and I have all the love and support I could ask for while many in my situation (if not most) do not... so here it goes

I was born with what the world calls and anxiety disorder, it means I experience the world differently (more intensely) than most. I dislike the term disorder, since I was born this way I see it as just me, I don't know any different & I have no frame of reference for how a "normal" person experiences the world. The best way I can explain my perspective would be to think of your senses as a microphone. the average person (for sake of the discussion) would live at a base sensitivity level set to ...say 3. my best days are a 5. I exist feeling like I am being sent to the principles office.

I am now 46, growing up we knew nothing about anxiety issues, so without knowing the things like our education system caused psychological damage and i have developed some ... personality quirks.

I could blabber on about details (and I am happy to discuss them if people want to ask), but that's not the point, nor is it the whole story, it just sets the base....

2.5 years ago I suffered a concussion and I have not been the same since. it wasn't a bad concussion, didn't even knock me unconscious, but it did send be to the hospital and left me with almost no memory of the next year & what memory I do have is disjointed and out of context. Then I spent the next year or so after that waiting for my brain to start working "correctly" again . it wasn't until about 6 months ago that it became clear my post-concussion syndrome is permanent.

again I could blab on with details, but again that's not the point. individually these conditions can complicate ones life. At least for me they have merged into some form of witches brew of jazzrack kryptonite.my normal issues have become worse. communication skills have deteriorated. I have always had issues... inside my head is fine, but my head moves faster than my hands can move so if I am had-writing something it looks like a 3rd grader did it because I am trying to keep up, now my hands don't always do exactly what I tell them to when I tell them to do it.

also I an now having trouble with verbal communication. some of you may remember I used to do videos for my league, I have not been able to do any since the concussion and I can't give a reason why. something in the brain won't let me hit the record button anymore.

then mix in some chronic pain, the normal stress of work, a relationship & raising a teenage daughter. Then add a dose of some mysterious, but minor, health issues, with a dash of ex-wife. All while trying to maintain good standing in my university studies..So I kinda cracked and my world had to get really small so the most important things suffered the least.

in terms of ootphub.com.(ootpmods) I know I have dropped some proverbial balls (I have seen a couple emails that I have not responded to) I will try to get to those individuals before I head to Hawaii.

and I would like to point out, this is why I set up the site the way it is. because it is set up as a wiki style community and website the community can continue the work if the current caretaker gets ill or hit by a bus. Look, lets be real for a minute, if I had died rather than a temporary mental disability the community could have lost a valuable resource... and it doesn't need to be that way. I am not suggesting long term commitments, just whatever your time, talent and interest can muster.

but I will soldier on alone if need be

I apologize if this is a bit disjointed, but it took 4 days to get it out of my head and I don't want to spend another editing it. and yes, if I started to re-edit it, I would spend the whole day doing it. it's not called a pathology for nothing

[Déjà Bru]

jazzrack, I've been through some of this myself. I can only say two things: 1) You are certainly not alone in any of it. Millions of people deal with this each and every day; and 2) It need not be permanent and recovery is not only possible but likely.

What people do in this situation is think that this is the way it will always be but that is not necessarily so. Your verbalizing this way is in itself an indication that you will recover because you not only recognize what is wrong but you are dealing with it. Good signs.

Hang in there.

[swoboda]

I am moved by your honesty and hoping you find a smoother comfort zone from here on out.
Hang in there.

[MarkInCincy]

From experience jazz I will say it does get better, it's in baby steps. Just remember where you are at now did not happen overnight do getting back won't either. Also just think/tell yourself on a 'bad' day that you have had worse in the past and you will have better in the future

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[endgame]

No stranger to it here, jazz. One hour at a time, if necessary. My PM box is always open, too. Seems our crowd's injury text file has a double dose of that particular diagnosis, but we still go on. No room for CEI around here. We prop each other up best we can. That's what teammates do.

[GoPedro99]

Hang in there. Best of luck!

[telarc30]

Hang in there Jazzrack! I know how you feel because I have paranoid schizophrenia.

[Ty Cobb]

You owe none of us an explanation. We all value your tireless efforts.

That said, I found the community here to be extremely supportive during my illness, and I do far less and am far less known than you. I know they'll rally for you and offer support.

I wish you all the best in your recovery and urge you never to accept that a condition is permanent. Last June, I was told I might only have days to live. It got better. Fight hard, and know your teammates are at your back always.

[USF]

Welcome back! Stay strong :-)

[Vermin360]

Welcome back, Jazzy. I don't have the history with you that others may, but it's still good to keep the community together and growing.

[Bobble]

You are appreciated. Be well and enjoy Hawaii.

[silvam14]

Glad to see you back. Wishing you the best!


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[MrBojangles]

Your honesty and openness is refreshing. Welcome back and here's to smooth sailing ahead.

[ashantewarrier]

Welcome back Jazzy! Wishing you the best!

[rjl518]

welcome back Jazz...stay well and safe.

[jazzrack]

Thanks for the well wishes and support.

I didn't end up with much spare time, but when I get back from vacation I'll start picking up the proverbial dropped balls

[Eugene Church]

Thank you for sharing your problems with us.

OOTPB is just a game... real life is far, far, far more important.

Always know you are an important part of our community.

We all wish you the best.

Hang in there and get help to get you past this.

I will add jazzrack to my daily prayer list.

I will also add all of the posters in this thread to the prayer list, too... I greatly admired your strength and perseverance... hopefully I can be like you when trials and tribulations come my way.

Prayer is powerful... a long time ago at age 30 I was an agnostic... I prayed to God that he let me marry this wonderful lady I had only dated one time, but had admired her from a distance for three years.

My prayer was answered.

Jesus will answer your prayers, too.

[JaBurns]

Originally Posted by jazzrack

Thanks for the well wishes and support.

I didn't end up with much spare time, but when I get back from vacation I'll start picking up the proverbial dropped balls

Best wishes you sound like you are turning a corner and getting much better! Keep you head up, nothing is as bad as it seems in the moment, for that matter nothing is as good as it seems at the moment.

Glad to see you back.

[james17]

I have GAD too and know exactly how awful it can feel. All I can say is hang in there because there are also a great deal of great things in life that can outweigh the bad stuff.

[slic1149]

I suffer from clinical depression as well as panic (or anxiety) attacks and have for almost twenty years. As my comic friend Ralphie May suggested; for me, it's Lexapro and Weed, with a weekly milligram of Xanax. My depression deepened when my Diverticulitis worsened 2011, and reached it's apex after my operation in 2013. I deal with it every day.

FWIW, be as gentle with yourself as possible. Enjoy the good days, and deal with the bad ones. If it gets worse seek help. Don't wait for the condition to get better. In my case it is still a daily struggle after twenty years. I was diagnosed when I was the same age you are, and over the past twenty years I became a middling stand up comic and a semi successful professional speaker. Own your issues, don't let them own you.