Apocalypse! Starring the Seattle Mariners, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and zombies

[jaa36]

March 21, 2012
The Associated Press

APOCALYPSE!
EARTH TO BE BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS
SEATTLE MARINERS ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL

Scientists have determined that a humongous comet is on course to destroy the earth. They estimate that it will hit in late October in the year 2014. They anticipate that the earth will be annihilated except for maybe a few cockroaches.

The situation sounds quite grim. However, through complicated math and physics that you wouldn't understand, these same scientists have determined that there is one tiny hope for the survival of humanity. "This is the deal," said one important-looking scientist. "The Seattle Mariners must win the World Series in the next three years. It is our only hope."

Baseball fans were dismayed by this news. "The Mariners suck!" yelled a nine-year-old kid wearing a Mariners hat. Others nodded in agreement.

Fortunately, the scientists have determined a way that they might help the Mariners in their quest for a world championship: zombies. "Yes, we've found a way to raise the dead," said one sketchy-looking scientist. "Well, not the dead so much as the retired." They believe they have the ability to reinvigorate retired baseball players in the prime of the career. But not just any player- only famous Mariners. They believe they can rouse one player out of retirement every season.

And this unholy act comes at a grave cost. Every zombie consumes one living player on the team's active roster every month. Several current Mariners were understandably dismayed by this development. "I will definitely try harder to earn my outrageous salary this year," said perennial failure Chone Figgins.

The Mariners have acted swiftly to try to save the world. CEO Howard Lincoln has fired general manager Jack Zduriencik and replaced him with Arnold Schwarzenegger. "He wasn't busy, and we felt he had the right experience and skills for the job," said Lincoln. Critics have pointed out Schwarzenegger has no experience in baseball, but Lincoln countered by noting that he didn't really have any experience in acting or governing either. Lincoln also acknowledged that while the fate of billions of people rests in the hands of the Mariners, that the team would not be likely to increase the budget. "Our goal, as always, is first and foremost to make a profit, and secondarily to field a competitive baseball team."

"I do not know much about the American sport of baseball," said Schwarzenegger in a press conference. "The main skills I bring to the table are an impressive knowledge of performance-enhancing drugs and an ability to navigate through political scandals. And I will stop at nothing to bring this flaming ball of molten rock to its knees. Hasta la vista, comet."

[NYY #23]

With the future of the earth at stake how can you not root for the Mariners?

I like it so far. Good luck! I'll be following along, and hopefully we'll get to see zombie Jay Buhner.

[jaa36]

March 21, 2012
The Associated Press

MARINERS SELECT ZOMBIE
GRIFFEY JR REANIMATED IN UNHOLY RITUAL

GM Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that the Mariners have revived Ken Griffey Jr. from his recliner and pressed him into service as their new zombie center fielder. "Our outfielders are terrible," said Schwarzenegger. "We felt that Griffey's undead corpse would provide more life for our offense."

Seattle fans were ambivalent about Griffey's return. "That guy's a bum!" said one overweight schlub. "I just hope he can stay awake in the clubhouse."

Griffey himself was optimistic about the situation. "I see it as an opportunity to win back some of my old fans. And also to feast on the flesh of the living."
Assisting the Mariners with their frugal ways, Griffey agreed to play for the league minimum salary, plus the ability to consume one player per month.

[eternal]

This is going to be amazing.

Let's hope Griffey's consumption of human flesh helps him stay healthy.

edit: Griffey "has trouble keeping up". Did you lower his intelligence to reflect his status as a mindless zombie? If so, nice touch

[jaa36]

SP Felix Hernandez
SP, R
2011: 14-14, 3.47 ERA, 222 K
Arnold's take: They call this man the king? He looks like a little girl with those earrings. This baseball must not be a very difficult game.

Jason Vargas
SP, L
2011: 10-13, 4.25 ERA, 131 K
Arnold's take: This man does not look like a little girl, but with his girly little arm he throws like one.

Hisashi Iwakuma
SP, R
2011: in Japan
Arnold's take: My scout tells me he writes short stories when he is not playing the game. I would like it if he would play the game better and not write the stories.

Blake Beavan
SP, R
2011: 5-6, 4.27 ERA, 42 K
Arnold's take: This man's name is like a little girl, and throws and looks like one too.

Kevin Millwood
SP, R
2011: 4-3, 3.98, 36 K
Arnold's take: He appears to be ripe for consumption by our unholy minions.

Brandon League
CL, R
2011: 1-5, 2.79, 37 saves
Arnold's take: His enormous tattoo and terrible haircut make me feel that this is a man I can trust.

George Sherrill
MR, L
2011: 3-1, 3.00
Arnold's take: I have never met him.

Shawn Kelley
MR, R
2011: 0-0, 0.00
Arnold's take: A very boring man.

Tom Wilhemsen
MR, R
2011: 2-0, 3.31
Arnold's take: Pour me a drink, bartender.

Chance Ruffin
MR, R
2011: 1-0, 3.86
Arnold's take: I do not trust a man named Chance.

Hector Noesi
MR, R
2011: 2-2, 4.47
Arnold's take: He too appears to be fodder for the zombies.

[jaa36]

Originally Posted by eternal

This is going to be amazing.

Let's hope Griffey's consumption of human flesh helps him stay healthy.

edit: Griffey "has trouble keeping up". Did you lower his intelligence to reflect his status as a mindless zombie? If so, nice touch

Ha, this was not edited! Nice pickup.

[jaa36]

Miguel Olivo
C, R
2011: .224, 19 HR, 62 RBI
Arnold's take: His main talent appears to be striking out.

John Jaso
C, L
2011: .224, 5 HR, 27 RBI
Arnold's take: Are the catchers supposed to hit the ball too, or just catch it?

Justin Smoak
1B, S
2011: .234, 15 HR, 55 RBI
Arnold's take: His name sounds fearsome, but his playing does not make me afraid.

Dustin Ackley
2B, L
2011: .273, 6 HR, 36 RBI
Arnold's take: His stupid name makes me want to punch him in the face.

Kyle Seager
3B, L
2011: .258, 3 HR, 13 RBI
Arnold's take: If Zombie Ken does not eat him I will do so myself.

Chone Figgins
3B, S
2011: .188, 1 HR, 15 RBI
Arnold's take: He is so bad, he makes me want to vomit all over myself in disgust of his playing.

Brendan Ryan
SS, R
2011: .248, 3 HR, 39 RBI
Arnold's take: My scouts tell me his fielding makes up for his terrible hitting. Nonetheless I hate him to the marrow of his bones.

Munenori Kawasaki
SS, R
2011: Japan
Arnold's take: A scrawny little girly man.

Casper Wells
LF, R
2011: .216, 7 HR, 15 RBI
Arnold's take: May the comet take us now rather let a man named Casper try to do battle with it.

Michael Saunders
LF, L
2011: .149, 2 HR, 8 RBI
Arnold's take: I am certain that Zombie Ken will look to his right and lick his lips in anticipation of munching on his flesh.

Zombie Ken Griffey Jr.
CF, L
2011: on his recliner
Arnold's take: Our only hope for the fate of the world. We will keep him well nourished with the dismembered bodies of our team.

Mike Wilson
RF, R
2011: .148, 0 HR, 3 RBI
Arnold's take: The most ordinary man I have ever met.

Ichiro Suzuki
RF, L
2011: .272, 5 HR, 47 RBI
Arnold's take: I have watched this man play the game and I am filled with rage. Little slappy hit, run fast. Where is the power in this man?

Jesus Montero
DH, R
2011: .328, 4 HR, 12 RBI
Arnold's take: So... this man does not have to play in the field? He only bats, and that is all? I am embarrassed to know of this sport.


On the DL

Mike Carp
1B, L
2011: .276, 12 HR, 46 RBI
Arnold's take: I have heard great things about his man. He is fast, hits the ball well, and is one of the best players in the league at only 20 years old, just as I was the world's greatest bodybuilder at that time. What's that? It is the wrong player? There is another player named after a fish who plays this way? And this Carp is a little girlie man? Rrrarrrrgh! (flips over table)

Franklin Gutierrez
CF, S
2011: .224, 1 HR, 19 RBI
Arnold's take: I believe he does not play because his stomach hurts.

[jaa36]

The Mariners opened the season in Japan, and fans came out in droves not only to see the three Japanese Mariners but also their newest addition, Zombie Ken Griffey Jr. Notably absent was Mariners owner Hiroshi Yamauchi, and Mariners insiders speculate that he has been building a private spaceship to safely escort him and his family away from the comet rather than focusing on the Mariners.

Zombie Griffey was unimpressive in his debut, going 0 for 3 with a walk, but the Mariners came away with a 3-1 victory. King Felix went 7 1/3 innings, allowing only one run. Justin Smoak provided the offense with a two-run homer in the third. Bartender Tom Wilhemsen got the save- for some reason Brandon League remained in the bullpen. Maybe he was jet lagged or something.

[jaa36]

The Mariners went to 2-0 on the young season with a thrilling victory over the Athletics. Dustin Ackley and Jesus Montero both homered to stake the team to a 3-0 lead in the third, but the A's went up 4-3 in the sixth. Ichiro then singled home Brendan Ryan in the seventh to tie the score. Jason Vargas pitched two more effective innings, and Brandon League pitched the ninth to send the game into extra innings.

And then it was Zombie Ken Griffey Jr. time. Zombie Ken lifted a fly ball to right field for his first home run of the season, and since returning from the world of the living. (MLB has decided that he will not be allowed to add to his "lifetime" total of 630 home runs and must start over.) But Brandon League gave up a triple to Jemile Weeks in the bottom of the inning, and he scored on a sacrifice fly.

In the tenth it was time for crappy Chone Figgins to shine- or "chine," I guess. Figgins reached on a walk, then stole second and third base, and then scored when Ichiro! reached on an error. Shawn Kelley then got the save in an uneventful ninth.

So the Mariners head back to the states with a 2-0 record, full of confidence. Maybe the world will be saved after all...

[jaa36]

check out these power rankings!

[Galeg]

This is... This is ... hmm. I'll have to keep reading.

[Hendu Style]

Covering the Mariners for a living everyday, this explains a lot.

[Hendu Style]

Hmmm.... one zombie a year, and you have three years. Griffey... then who? For the love of all that is holy, don't waste your zombies on Randy Johnson and Edgar Martinez when you have Ken Phelps and Dave Henderson at your disposal!

[jaa36]

Despite the Mariners' perennially tight budget, ownership agreed to three personnel additions, knowing full well that any or all of the three could be subjected to the voracious appetites of the zombies. SP Roy Oswalt was the big prize, signing for $5.5M for the rest of the year, and will slot in as the #2 starter, pushing Kevin Millwood to the bullpen. Oswalt had other offers on the table, but the opportunity to save the world proved to be a selling point. C Jason Kendall signed for $1M and will play part-time. LHP Hong-Chih Kuo will become the new lefty setup man. John Jaso, Hector Noesi, and Chance Ruffin will all go to AAA Tacoma, skirting Griffey's terrible wrath for now.

Meanwhile, all the Mariners have done is win, and they now stand at 6-1, first place in the AL West. Jason Vargas, Hisashi Iwakuma, and Blake Beavan have all pitched well, throwing at least eight innings apiece in each of their starts. Brandon League has three saves. Dustin Ackley is hitting .370, and Zombie Ken Griffey Jr. has three homers in the early going.

[jaa36]

The Mariners are winning every way they can think of- pitching, hitting, and glovework. They advanced to 9-2 with a thrilling come-from-behind 6-5 win over Texas. Jesus Montero hit two home runs and Zombie Ken Griffey Jr. hit one, and they are tied with the team lead with five apiece. Heading into the ninth down a run, Ichiro doubled home Casper Wells, stole third base, and scored on a Griffey walk-off walk. Are the other teams just folding on purpose?

[jaa36]

It looked like the magic was wearing off, with the Mariners getting swept by the Indians, twice losing in the ninth inning. But King Felix pitched eight shutout inning on April 20, and two days later the Mariners bats exploded for 14 runs and 21 hits, including five by Ichiro. Record stands at 13-5, four games up in the West. The starters and the defense are tops in baseball so far. Zombie Ken is up to seven homers, and the clock is ticking for his first victim...

[jaa36]

As April came to a close, the Mariners found themselves comfortably in first place at 17-7, 4.5 games ahead of second-place Texas. Ichiro was awarded a player-of-the-week award for hitting .500, and Jesus Montero earned the rookie of the month with eight home runs and 24 RBI. Zombie Griffey also has eight homers, though that's tied for second in the league behind the impressive Mark Teixeira, who has 14. King Felix tops the league in strikeouts with 37, Brandon League in saves with eight, and Hisashi Iwakuma has a league-best 1.09 ERA.

Ichiro, Iwakuma, and League were all rewarded with contract extensions. Ichiro gets one year at $6M, Iwakuma two years at $4M/year, and League three years at $6M/year, with the third a vesting option. Of course, if any of them struggle, their contract is no guarantee against being zombie meal.

And speaking of, Zombie Ken certainly earned his bonus this month. He's at 1.5 WAR, 6th in the league currently. The unlucky loser is reserve outfielder Mike Wilson, who is a disappointing 2 for 25 this season. He said his goodbyes to his former Mariners teammates, then proceeded to be eviscerated by a ravenous Griffey.

[jaa36]

After dropping the first two games in May, the Mariners resumed their winning way, taking four straight. Jason Vargas pitched seven shutout innings in a 10-0 decision over Detroit, and the next day the Mariners overcame four errors when Michael Saunders hit a game-tying homer in the ninth and a now slightly richer Ichiro singled home the game winner.

[jaa36]

After a strong start it was unlikely the Mariners would keep it up, and they've muddled to a 5-8 record since last update. Mike Carp has returned from a rehab assignment, and Franklin Gutierrez has just started one, though it's unclear where he'll fit in with Griffey on the team. Miguel Olivo, of all people was the player of the week last week, going 9 for 17 with three home runs. Roy Oswalt is now 5-1 and is demanding $17M/year for five years, which caused GM Arnold Schwarzenegger to calmly hang up the phone.

[jaa36]

After a six-game losing streak, including Roy Oswalt being outdueled by the 9-0 Jered Weaver, the Mariners broke out in style, with Justin Smoak slamming a three-run homer in the bottom of the ninth to send the Mariners home victorious against the Angels. We remain just 1/2 game in front of Texas.