The Portland Pines, Est. 2020

[pauwoo]

I'm in Portland enjoying the Moneyball plate at Pine State Biscuits and mulling over my good fortune. It’s afternoon, the gravy is thick with sausage, the biscuits fluffy and warm, and the over-easy egg is cooked to perfection. I’m satisfied – both with the plate in front of me and myself. I just aced another Skype interview with Portland’s newest professional sports franchise, the Portland Pines, and as a recent graduate of Portland Community College, with my A.A.S. of Landscape Technology in hand, I’m outpacing my peers who have yet to land an interview with a company in our chosen field. Today is my lucky day. Make that my lucky Spring. I have very little experience in the field of Landscape Design, but the Owner of the Pines was desperate to fill the position of Head Groundskeeper and I, obviously, wowed him with my superior command of the subject matter. Except, he wasn’t interviewing me for the Head Groundskeeper position. He was interviewing me for the General Manager position. And, I guess, was so impressed by my landscaping “analogies” that he offered me the position on the spot.

Look, I know less about the General Management of a Major League Baseball Club than I do about Landscape Technology, and that’s not a lot because I rarely paid attention, was usually hungover in class, and made sure to find professors that offered extra credit for doing their yard work. But, be that as it may, I’m taking the gig – you know, because, ‘fake it until you make it’, and all that. Best case scenario, I figure it out, worst case they realize their mistake and I slide into the Head Groundskeeper position like nothing ever happened. No harm, no foul.

Housekeeping: This started with the stock OOTP Real-World MLB set-up, during my negotiations with the dealership I got them to throw in a couple of expansion teams, realign the divisional set-up to a 2SL 2D 8T structure, and to shorten the season to 156-games for me. When we were done, they even gave me the dealer invoice price… After I got her home, I tweaked the settings a bit more – DH in both leagues, Batter/Pitching Dev increased to 1.150, TCR to 115, updated the AI settings to a 35/50/10/5 eval, set the trading difficulty to Very Hard/Favor Prospects, and made sure not to hold an expansion draft. To make this a bit more difficult on myself, I filled the rosters of both expansion clubs with players from the two worst teams in the Independent Bush League from my Strangeverse save (Portland is pegged as a 45-game winner & Charlotte is expected to win 26). As far as a dynasty format I’d like to crib NYY #23’s Worst to First… the Sequel or the Myth’s The Dead Zone: The Philadelphia Phillies (1984- style, but, I won’t… mostly because I can’t and partly because it’s easier to stay locked in on the format I’ve used in Strangeverse. So, I’ll go series by series with the occasional nonsensical intro.

The Club: As has been established, I’ll take on the role of General Manager for the Portland Pines. The inaugural club looks to be built on a light-hitting, run-starved offense that we’ve paired with an equally ineffective pitching staff. We’re terrible on paper, already over-budget, and are probably better suited for Short-Season A Ball. Actually, that’s probably a bit of a stretch… so college maybe, or high school, or, if I’m honest, a 30+ Men’s Fast Pitch City League if it took place in a really small city with an extremely limited talent pool. In short, we’re terrible. But, let’s go through the lineup and a few of our hurlers anyway, shall we?

The Lineup:

1. RF Bob Clark (26) – Batting in the leadoff spot we have a guy with plus speed and excellent defensive skills who really can’t hit a lick. He’s hard to strikeout and has a decent eye but struggles to make contact and has the power of an emaciated 10-year old. He hails from Burien, WA, so we’ll play up the local(ish) connection and has a reputation for dogging it too often. Perfect guy to set the tone at the top of the order.
2. 2B Bob Johnson (28) – In the 2-hole we have a so-so contact hitter who has a knack for avoiding K’s, but who, like our other Bob, is lacking in the power department. He can field though and with all the balls we expect opposing hitters to put in play against us, that should help secure one or two of those 45 wins the analysts over at BNN have us pegged for. Unlike our other Bob, this one is a hard worker – that he’s already hit his ceiling is an issue, but you have to like a guy who keeps trying anyway.
3. 1B Warren Kwan (29) – Our best contact guy with plus speed and good base running skills who can’t field worth a darn. I’d like to say we’re hiding his deficiencies at first, but, at this level, there really isn’t anywhere to hide. He’s smart, has average leadership potential, and though his power is lacking by MLB standards is one of our few ‘power’ sources in the lineup.
4. LF Benny Hill (26) – A natural born leader without the skills required to get Major Leaguers to follow him, Hill has a little bit of pop and is an excellent base runner. He lacks range in the outfield, often can’t find the most economical route to get to a fly ball and has the arm strength of a professional poker player. Let’s just say that I don’t see any Outfield Assists in his future.
5. 3B Tito Escobar (24) – Tito works hard, has a rocket for an arm, and has trouble with the curve. And the fastball. And the changeup. And all the other pitches. He’s another solid fielder who doesn’t bring much to the table offensively. He’s young, though, and with my TCR set at 115, who knows, maybe we’ll get lucky with this guy.
6. DH Bayden Dickey (22) – Another young pup who looks offensively challenged with little room to grow – he’s solid in the field and can swipe some bags for us in the unlikely event that he gets on base. He’s also charismatic with good leadership skills – but, like Benny, he doesn’t have the talent to blossom into the type of leader big-time ballplayers will willingly follow. Unless he’s leading the guys in a line dance at some out of the way pub after a loss on the road. The kid’s got good footwork and you could do a lot worse if you’re in the market for a line-dance leader.
7. SS Brad Gallo (24) – A native of Holliston, MA with the accent to match, Gallo puts in long hours but is likely working on the wrong things. He struggles to make contact, has no power to speak of, and has a suspect eye. He’s another one who can field with good speed and stealing ability, but, like the others, probably won’t find his way on base enough to put those skills to use.
8. C Mohammed Johnson (30) – A so-so pitch framer with a better than average arm behind the plate. He’s a wall flower that prefers to be just another face in the crowd and is hard to strikeout. He also has a hard time remembering our signs. And with our staff, we don’t have a lot of signs.
9. CF Brandon Metz (26) – A wizard in the outfield who’s runs out of manna every time he steps into the batters’ box, Metz is mild-mannered with the type of milquetoast personality that makes you forget his name as soon as he tells you what it is. He has no power, struggles to make contact, and is easily the worst bunter in all of Major League Baseball. The locals say that he looks like Doug Martsch from Built to Spill – he’s got the beard and the reverse mohawk, but other than that, I just don’t see it.

Some of the Hurlers:

1. SP Jeremy Jackson (29) – He’s not terrible. He’s not an ace. He’s got a great fastball (doesn’t everybody) and a workmanlike Curve and Changeup. His stuff leaves a bit to be desired and control problems have plagued him in the past. He’s level-headed in the clubhouse and we’ll need that when we find ourselves beaten down by this long slog of a baseball season while mired in a 20-game losing streak and the depths of depression that sort of thing brings along with it.
2. SP Luke Tichepco (24) – Luke has three above-average pitches and good movement. The stamina is suspect though and he’s known as a bit of a wild card who has a penchant for saying stupid things when reporters shove microphones into his face. He’ll be useful when we’re trying to set the tone for the other guys in the discipline department.
3. CL Raymond Maxfield (23) – Mercurial. That’s how I’d describe this kid. His personality changes from pitch-to-pitch, he’s got great stuff that he struggles to control, and is as likely to give up a homer as he is to strike a guy out. If we find ourselves in situations where we need a closer, this guy is like rolling the dice or flipping a coin, or both, best two out of three.

TL;DR: We’re doomed.

Up Next: 3 games @ Los Angeles Angels. Bet the over on Trout sending two balls out of the park during one of the contests.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (0-0, .000) @ Los Angeles Angels (0-0, 0.00)
After a long and eerily quiet offseason spent next to the phone in my office waiting in vain for someone, anyone to call me back about the players I had put on the block, I find myself in Anaheim getting ready to play the hand I was dealt without so much as one dip into the draw pile. We have one contract offer pending to RP Carson Smith, but his agent has continuously hit us up for more money under the guise that other, more attractive suiters have come calling. Now, on the fourth round of what feels more like a mugging than a negotiation, we’ve sent out our final offer valued at nearly 2x the original. At this point, we want to sign the guy just to see what it feels like… but, enough about that – opening day is upon us and the Pines, while completely unprepared, have a freshly pressed set of away kits awaiting us in the visitor's clubhouse at Angels Stadium of Anaheim, and, outside of a four-hour conference call with the grounds crew at Pendleton Park in Portland to discuss the grass pattern we will use during our first home series (we settled on argyle – which I’m told is easier than buffalo plaid and houndstooth), I’m completely focused on the task at hand. In the Angels we’ll get a team who, unlike us, is on the rise and looking to manage some lofty expectations in 2020. BNN has them pegged to finish near the top of the pops in the AL West with only the Houston Pariahs perched above them. Their roster boasts the best player in baseball (Mr. Trout, I’m looking at you), the most exciting two-way guy in recent memory in Shohei Ohtani, and recent free-agent signee Anthony Rendon. Even with a few holes left to fill in their lineup, these Angels have the look of the real deal – a talented, if incomplete, collection of true-blue professional ballplayers with a real opportunity to turn some heads in 2020. Meanwhile, gawking at them from the visiting dugout will be us – rocking our mint green lids and looking every bit the part of an Amateur Men’s Fastpitch team that got lost on our way to a NIBL game. There will be blood, it will be ours, and if the fact that I had our travel coordinator only book 20 seats for our flight out of town isn’t foreshadowing, then I don’t know what is.

1 of 156: RHP J. Jackson (0-0, 0.00 ERA) @ RHP S. Ohtani (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
Loss, 5-3. We were competitive in this one – kind of… at least from a final score perspective. That one of our runs came on a SAC FLY and another came when Bob Johnson hit into a double play with runners on 1st and 3rd should give you a better picture of the offensive acumen we’re dealing with here. We did get a solo home run in the bottom of the second from LF Benny Hill though, so we have that going for us. The Angels had 5 extra-base hits, including three dingers, to our one, and put this one to bed when their catcher, Jason Castro, hit a 2-run shot in the bottom of the 8th to give them all the cushion they’d need to get a win in their home opener. Our Ace, Jeremy Jackson, went 6 innings, allowed 4 hits, 3 runs, walked 4, and gave up two long balls. If I’m honest, and why wouldn’t I be, I’m just glad that we didn’t get completely decimated in our first game as a Major League ballclub. So, we can check, ‘don’t get completely embarrassed in your first game’, off the ol’ owner goal checklist.


Elsewhere: LA’s RF Mookie Betts, whose FG has him looking puffed up like a guy who’s been living off boxed wine and street tacos, went 3 for 5 with a homer, 4 RBI, and 3 runs in his clubs opening day, 9-6 win over the Milwaukee Brewers. A nice debut for ‘Money Bags’ Mookie. Milwaukee’s Christian Yelich, not to be outdone, went 2 for 3 with 2 jacks, 4 RBI, and 2 runs in the losing effort. Also, to set the tone for 2020, we got what feels like an opening day record of FOUR GOLDEN SOMBREROS… the lucky recipients were Danny Santana (TEX), Jay Bruce (PHI), Will Smith (LAD), and Keston Hirra (MIL). Keston and Will did it in the same game, which also feels like an opening day record (according to the internet the most GS’s in a single game is 5 in a tilt contested by the Milwaukee Brewers and Anaheim Angels that went 17-innings).

2 of 156: LHP Luke Tichepco (0-0, 0.00) @ Andrew Heaney (0-0, 0.00)
Loss, 9-2. We scored our first run of the game on a wild pitch from Heaney and our second in the next at-bat when Benny hit a weak dribbler to second that allowed Bob Clark to score from 3rd. That knotted it up for us in the top of the 3rd and was the last moment of the game where we looked like we might belong on the same field as these guys. From there, the Angeles poured it on scoring a total of 7 runs in the 7th and 8th frames. Things got so bad at one point that Pujols, showing off those vintage wheels, scored from second on a single that Simmons hit into the gap. On the bright side, if you can call it that, Mike Trout fanned three times during the game and has yet to secure a hit against our club.

Elsewhere: 1B Luke Voit, of the New York Yankees, went 1 for 6 with a run and a PLATINUM SOMBRERO in his clubs 6-5 loss against the Chicago White Sox. Add in another GOLDEN SOMBRERO for 1B Rhys Hoskins (PHI), the second GS from Philly batsman in consecutive games, and we now have 6 goldens or better to start the 2020 season – there’s something in the air… we have the makings of a record-smashing season for Goldens. Also, Houston’s George Springer starred in this season’s annual, “fans in (insert city) rally behind wayward cat’ story. So, the 2020 “meows-cot” has been determined.

3 of 156: RHP Chip Ex (0-0, 0.00) @ Julio Teheran (0-0, 0.00)
Loss, 6-5. It took 17 innings to get this one sorted, we battled, showed some grit, and were unceremoniously walked off in the bottom of that last frame on a SAC FLY from Mike Trout who found a way to get it done despite going 0 for 12 during the series. We had our first multi-homerun game here which will make for a nice bit of trivia one day and very nearly pulled it off – but, each time we pulled ahead these Angels found a way to even it up before dealing that final, heartbreaking blow. We also put two Golden’s on the board, one each for Tito Escobar and Brandon Metz, and dealt our first Platinum to LA’s Jared Walsh. And, Chip Ex will forever be known as the first member of the Portland Pines to record double-digit Ks in a game. We might make him a special patch for his uniform. Not sure if we can according to the rules, but we’ll look into it and, pending the go-ahead from our lawyers, will probably do it either way.

Elsewhere: We are one of 8 teams to begin the season at 0-3. Our company includes the Texas Rangers, Chicago Cubs, Arizona Diamondbacks, Baltimore Orioles, the defending champion Washington Nationals, and our fellow expansion club, the Charlotte Imperials. For now, we will seek shelter in the fact that there are some good clubs languishing with us here in the dank, dark, rat-infested cellar.


Recap: I went into this season with low expectations – I was careful to make sure that our owner understood that things will be bleak for a while but getting swept in our first official series as a big-time baseball club still hurts. For our part, there wasn’t much in the way of good performances to point at – SP Chip Ex pitched 7.1 innings of shutout baseball, so there is that, but, otherwise, we didn’t look like we belonged on this level. And who knows, maybe we don’t. Maybe the MLB will revoke our charter and invite various NCAA clubs to take our spot in the schedule, or, and this seems like a better idea, maybe they’ll invite the Yomiuri Giants to join the league and send us off to the ***. Honestly, I wouldn’t be against that idea – who doesn’t want to spend some time in Japan traveling the countryside on the way to a ballgame?

Record: 0-3

Up Next: Our first homestand at Pendleton Park against the equally poor, 0-3, Texas Rangers. Smart money says that they climb back to .500 over the next few days.

[pauwoo]

Texas Rangers (0-3, .000) @ Portland Pines (0-3, .000)
As I walked into Pendleton park, on the way to my office, I passed Rangers’ First Baseman Ronald Guzman in the hallway – standing at 6’5” tall, built like a Mack truck, and with the look of a man who’d be as comfortable delivering an atomic leg drop from the top turnbuckle as he is on a baseball diamond, I thought to myself, “now there’s a guy I need on my club”. So, when I sent a text to Jon Daniels, General Manager of the Texas Rangers, to express my interest and got back the response of, “how’d you get this number”, to say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. There is not a single player on my club that would be of interest to any sane GM in all of baseball and, for better or worse, I’m stuck with these guys – at least for this year. But, enough about that, let’s stay focused on the here and now, shall we? I mean, my doctor keeps telling me that I should spend more time living in the present, so my focusing on the fact that today is the historic home opener of your Portland Pines should make her happy. Texas, like us, has sputtered off the line to start the 2020 campaign, losing three straight in Houston before making the trek to Portland with their sights set on a course-correction against, arguably, the worst team in the American League. Theirs is a team in flux – the pitching was improved in the offseason, but the offense still takes a lot of big hacks and comes up empty most of the time. Still, they are our superior at every position and should have little trouble casting us aside on their way back to respectability. Look, I’m a realist, I don’t expect to win this series – but, winning the inaugural home opener for our club would be nice. Side note: The first 10,000 fans will receive a pair of limited edition, Portland Pines themed stripe crew socks from Pendleton USA. I’m told that if we don’t draw that many fans to the park to see this loose collection of stiffs I’ve put together, I’ll be able to grab a pair for myself. On the one hand, if we don’t draw over 10K fans to our first game in Portland it’d be safe to say that our little experiment here is a colossal failure, on the other hand, they’re really nice socks. I’m honestly conflicted.

4 of 156: RHP Kyle Gibson (0-0, 0.00) @ RHP Jim Livingston (0-0, 0.00)
Win, 5-1. We’d score our first run in our brand-new park, in front of our brand-new fans, by earning a bases-loaded walk. It’s not how we drew it up – but, we’ll take it, happily, and hope we get another. Our second run was a bit more exciting for those in attendance – a Brayden Dickey hit, 387 ft solo homer that left his bat with an exit velo of 100.6 MPH would put us up 2-0 much to the delight of our well-socked supporters. Later, in the bottom of the 8th, Brad Gallo, who’s batting a dismal .143 so far, would crack a 2-run double to extend our tenuous lead a bit more… and Mo Johnson, not content to let Gallo’s good deed lie, brought another in on a run-scoring single hit into the gap. We’d take our hard-earned 5-1 lead into the top of the 9th with our first-ever victory as a big-league ballclub on the line… and hold on for dear life as Adan Kirk, on the bump in a save situation, allows 1-hit and fans two to close this one out on 20 total pitches. We managed to draw ~33K to Pendleton Park, 10K of those left with a smile and a swanky new pair of feet coverings, and the rest, with their feet still outfitted in a Hanes cotton blend, left feeling pretty satisfied as well.


Elsewhere: LF Bryan Reynolds, of the Pittsburgh Pirates, went 4 for 5 with two, two-baggers, a jack, 4 RBI, and 3 runs during a 9-1 victory over the Atlanta Braves. Pittsburgh came away with the dominant victory despite committing two boneheaded fielding flubs largely because their starter, Trevor Williams, gave them a hard-scrabble 7.1-innings of superb work where he allowed only a single runner to plate and fanned 5.

5 of 156: Jordan Lyles (0-0, 0.00) @ Mel Keene (0-0, 0.00)
Loss, 5-3. Warren Kwan, whose early tenure in PDX has not gone according to plan, awoke from his hitting slumber and cracked a 353 ft homer as our opening salvo in this one – our second ding dong in Pendleton Park. We’d follow that up with a run-scoring double from Bob Johnson and, only one batter later would drive in another when Warren, not content to only drive in one run today, brings in Bob Clark on a well-hit single. Suddenly, we have the look of a major league baseball team, albeit one with poor posture and a slight paunch. Despite our nice start, however, the club was unable to maintain the momentum when Keene started to unravel in the 8th as Texas found a way to charge three to his account and our bullpen came out tossing softballs to close out that frame, allowing two more Texas runners to come across. And, that’s where we left it, a 5-3, gut-punch of a loss in front of ~34 thousand of Portland’s finest.


6 of 156: Corey Kluber (0-1, 6.00) @ Jeremy Jackson (0-0, 4.50)
Win, 8-1. Warren Kwan delivered the opening blow, a 3-run dinger off Corey Kluber, in the bottom of the first, giving us an early 3-0 lead that we’d extend to 5 in the bottom of the next frame. Kluber, now 0-2 on the year, was pulled during the 4th inning after allowing all five of our early runs, and his bullpen didn’t fare much better as we’d pile on three more before all was said and done. Jeremy Jackson picks up his first win in his second start of the season – he kept it scoreless but had to work his way out of several jams as he doled out four free passes to go along with his 5 Ks. We hit for the team cycle – 7 singles, 4 doubles, a triple, and a home run for the good guys – Mohammed Johnson put two of those doubles on the board, Brad Gallo hit the first triple in Pines history leading off the bottom of the second, and Bob Clark swiped his 4th bag of the year.


Elsewhere: Pittsburgh’s Bryan Reynolds was at it again for the Pirates – he went 5 for 5 with a two-bagger, a jack, 6 riblets, and a run in his clubs 9-8 loss against the Atlanta Braves. He has 9 hits over his last two games now and is batting an eye-popping .536/.567/1.071 so far in 2020. Teammate, JT Riddle, couldn’t be bothered to offer any support to the cause, though, and finished the game 0 for 4 with a golden sombrero. He’s batting a very pedestrian .217/.269/.391 for the Pirates so far… Baltimore’s Chris Mullins hit a GRAND SLAM off SP Charlie Morton, who drops to 0-2 on the season with a 12.79 ERA for Tampa Bay… Minnesota’s Byron Buxton (pictured), who now has 12 K’s to start the year, registered his second golden sombrero in consecutive games, both against the Los Angeles Angels, and will have a chance to complete the hat trick against Texas tomorrow. And, as if that wasn’t enough, Bryce Harper, who plies his trade with the 0-6 Philadelphia Phillies, completed a golden sombrero of his own today – he has 13 Ks so far… they seem to be overpaying for each of those K’s as Bryce will deposit $26M into his personal account this season while Byron Buxton will only bank ~$3M.

Recap: We put on a nice show for the home town fans, winning our first-ever home set in Pendleton Park against the Texas Rangers and looking every bit the part of a legitimate baseball team. Our fans, for their part, were jubilant during our two wins, especially the home opener, and we should see a small spike in ticket sales from this performance. But the reality is that we’re really just selling wolf tickets here and instead of waving their voodoo donuts in the air, like they just don’t care, our fans should be savoring every bite and scoping out the quickest exit to the lot. This was an aberration, a magic trick reserved for birthday parties when a clown wasn’t available. We’ll enjoy this one, show up to the park tomorrow to host the Astros with a little more bounce in our step, with our chests puffed out as an homage to Gas Huffer’s signature tune, Do the Brutus, and will, likely, have our behinds handed to us in each one of our next three games.

Record: 2-4, .333, 6th AL West

Up Next: That juggernaut from Houston comes to town on a mission to destroy us in front of our families, our wives, girlfriends, and mistresses over the course of a three-game set. Should be a harrowing experience. We’ll be giving out a free loaf of Tillamook Cheese to the first ~15K fans to arrive on Sunday though, so, if nothing else, it could be neat to see fifteen thousand loaves of cheese raining down on the field as our fans boo the Houston lineup during the player introductions.

[pauwoo]

Houston Astros (5-1, .833, t-1st AL West) @ Portland Pines (2-4, .333, 6th NL West)
The Astros are the biggest bully on the block, who, not content to play the role of Aristomenes of Messenia, had to seek out and use unfair advantages to fulfill their championship destiny. They, as it turns out, were everything Astroball made them out to be, just without the self-determination to complete their quest using only their own devices. Had I thought of it, I’d have banished their players and called up the B-team to play out this season… but, I missed that boat, so, we move forward, never straight. Houston is a club of front-runners who, even without the trash can, have had what it takes when it counts without leading any of the major statistical categories – they’re 5th or better everywhere though and have ridden that balance to a 5-1 record like Rodney Mullen sticking a 360-flip off a picnic table. Like the other representative of the Lonestar State, who we vanquished 2-1 at Pendleton Park, Houston is our superior at every position. The difference and this is important, lies in the degree to which they are better than us at every spot on the diamond… in short, this is a talent chasm so wide & deep that, even on our luckiest day, it’ll be hard to cross. My advice to our fans: show up for the cheese, stay long enough to enjoy a cool, crispy triple-hopped, and locally brewed IPA, and make a hasty retreat before the stretch to beat traffic.

7 of 156: Lance McCullers, Jr (1-0, 6.00) @ Luke Tichepco (0-0, 3.00)
Loss, 6-2. We brought Sophia Smith, of the Portland Thorns, in for our ceremonial first pitch – she went with a knuckleball that flitted its way to our backup catcher like a butterfly on Ambien, unsure of where it wanted to go until, finally, dropping into the pocket as if it fell off a barista table. Unfortunately, our starter did not put the same level of command on display that Sophia did during his 2 innings of work – 4 hits, 3 earned, 4 free passes, and a couple of Ks from Tichepco in this one. For our part, we could only secure 5 total hits as a club, struck out 7 times (across 7 different batters), and left 5 stranded. If I’m honest though, this feels like a low-key win for us – I really thought they’d hang 12 on us tonight. Our fans, who were boisterous in their support of our boys this evening, had our backs throughout and launched no less than 30 loaves of cheese in Altuve’s general direction.


Free Agent Signings: We picked up two new relievers today – RP Jared Miller, a 6’7” lefty who posted a 6.48 ERA in Visalia last season and who has an elite fastball/slider combo with little to no control of either pitch accepted a 1-year $850K offer – and – RP Adam McCreery (pictured), a 6’9” lefty who posted a 5.79 ERA in Oklahoma City last season and who throws the same two pitches as the first guy and who struggles with the same control issues… the only difference is that we’re paying this kid $1M for the season with an extra $75K for each inch taller he is than Miller. We’re likely overpaying them both – but, at the very least, I now know what it feels like to sign a free agent. Turns out, when they aren’t particularly good free agents like these two that it doesn’t feel much different than buying a pop from a vending machine.

8 of 156: Zach Greinke (1-0, 4.70) @ Chip Ex (0-0, 0.00)
Win, 6-3. A solo-homer from Branden Metz off Greinke in the bottom of the 3rd, followed by a 2-run shot from Mohammed Johnson in the next frame gave us an early 3-1 lead… Brad Gallo would steal home on an errant throw to second from Houston Catcher, Garret Stubbs, four batters later, and, just like that, we’re teasing our hometown fans with a glimpse of what a real baseball club looks like. From there it was just about hanging on for dear life as Houston would attempt to make a game of it in the top of the 8th, but, ultimately, fell short. This, obviously, is an exciting win for our club – and, yes, we know that in baseball one odd bounce can be the difference between a win and a loss, but I’d be a liar if I didn’t say that it feels pretty darn good to give our hometown fans this kind of show. Chip Ex took home the game ball – our enigmatic starter managed to go 7 innings while only allowing the much-vaunted Houston lineup to record 5 total hits and only a single run. And that run, it should be noted, came on his only misplaced pitch when Yordan Alvarez caught him looking in the top of the 4th and took it for a ride.


Two more free-agent signings… SS Tim Beckham agreed to a $1.4 million, 1-year deal (we’ll try to flip him for a reliever in a trade) and RF Mark Trumbo (pictured) put pen to paper on a $1.1 million-dollar deal that goes through…. 2021. We’ll likely attempt to flip him for a reliever too…

9 of 156: Bryan Abreu (0-0, 54.00) @ Jim Livingston (1-0, 1.35)
Loss, 3-1. This was a bit of a gut punch – we opened the scoring in the bottom of the first and looked like we might carry yesterday’s good vibes forward, but, alas, it wasn’t in the cards as Houston’s pitching held stout and their offense did just enough to bridle us here. George Springer’s run-scoring double in the top of the 2nd put the Astros up for good, and a passed ball would allow another run score to give the bad guys a little bit of cushion. Trumbo’s debut was weak, 0 for 3 with 2 Ks, and Beckham, who went 1 for 3 with nothing else, failed to impress as well… Livingston, who looked so good for us his first time out, only lasted three innings in this one – he left with an undisclosed injury and failed to come out for the 4th frame – our bullpen was solid enough and kept it close enough for our offense to make a move… but, no moves were made as we are the offensive equivalent of a 3rd-grade science nerd trying to get to first base at a Sadie Hawkins dance – nervous, stammering our way through each at-bat, and fumbling our opportunities whenever they arise.

Elsewhere: The Los Angeles Angels beat the Kansas City Royals by a score of 29-4… there’s just way too much to parse out there, so here is their box score… PARENTAL ADVISORY: IT’S PRETTY VIOLENT, YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.




Recap: Three things – First, I thought we’d get swept, so, honestly, I’m pretty happy with the result of this series. Would I have preferred a series victory? Yes, even at the risk of fueling unrealistic hope amongst our fanbase. Second, Livingston’s injury is more severe than we thought. He’ll miss 4 months with a ruptured tendon in his finger – which sounds incredibly painful. I feel for the guy, he’ll likely be out of the majors after this season, so this was his only real chance of living the dream. Third, Trumbo is now a Diamondback as I traded him for SP Mike Leake – I’ll end up spending more money than I wanted to this season, but he’s in the last year of his contract and is said to enjoy being on losing ballclubs, so he’ll fit right in.


He’s all smiles now, but give us a month and he won’t be cheesin’ in front of the camera for the remainder of the year…

Record: 3-6

Up Next: A day off followed by three games in Minnesota… who, at 7-2, seem to be a lot better at baseball than us. There is no rest for the wicked, as they say. At the very least, it’ll be fun to watch Nellie Cruz send balls over the fence for three days.

[Archelirion]

I really, really like your game writing style. Long may this continue! (Although some more wins wouldn't go amiss...)

[pauwoo]

Originally Posted by Archelirion

I really, really like your game writing style. Long may this continue! (Although some more wins wouldn't go amiss...)

Thanks, Archelirion! I appreciate you saying that! And, yes... some wins would be nice.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (3-6, .333, 6th AL West) @ Minnesota Twins (7-2, .778, 1st AL West)
There is no doubt that the Minnesota Twins are a well-built, finely-tuned baseball club – they’re balanced offensively, with a heart of the order that can, and will, crack, without much of a drop off from there. With their power alley of Donaldson, Cruz, and Rosario at the helm, the USS Minneapolis is poised for success in 2020 – the fanbase is energized, local pride is on an upswing, and the expectations are appropriately set. But, as is often the case, the old adage that a ship is only as good as its Captain is only half-true. Here the individual crew members are impressive, they’re knowledgeable and disciplined, but it’s the pitching staff whose contribution will be the key to producing the sort of outstanding operational results that result in a banner being raised. And, in this long slog of a baseball season, the Twins will require that they navigate some of the inevitable rough seas with a superior focus to execute the kind of complex maritime operations required to sail from the port of discharge to the port of destination with their cargo intact and to deliver on their preseason promise. At 7-2, their journey so far has been smooth – even easy – with each crew member, down to a man, performing his role admirably. Here, we’ll attempt to pull our rickety, old rowboat up to the port side of the USS Minneapolis to bring ourselves within sling-shot range to try to fit into David’s sandals, if only for this series, and to see if we can knock these guys off course over the next few days – hopeful that the Cat’s Eye marbles we’ve loaded into the soft, leather projectile pocket will fire true and be enough to knock these guys off their line. It’s a risky maneuver, sure – our rowboat hasn’t yet passed inspection, we aren’t outfitted with any of the required safety gear, and our captain, Jeremy Jackson (who will not be manning the slingshot), often leads with a level-headed nonchalance that really only translates when your team is composed of self-starters who take pride in a job well done. Unfortunately, for him, and us, ours is a crew whose version of team unity is fueled by the Mutiny on the Bounty, and, had we stocked the required safety gear, I’m sure more than a few of those malcontents would have tucked tail and made an attempt to swim back to shore before we’d even left the harbor on this excursion.

10 of 156: Mike Leake (0-0, 5.40) @ Homer Bailey (1-0, 1.08)
Loss, 8-3. It was full steam ahead for the Twins here as starting a guy named Leake on our voyage offshore, so far from the stream, turned out to be our undoing. The new guy could only muster 4 innings of work where he allowed 9 hits, 5 earned runs, and a Miguel Sano HR. Look, the guy is a solid pro who’s had a solid career, but he couldn’t figure out our homemade slingshots and got bashed on each time he attempted to reload the pouch. If I’m going to be able to flip him for a low-key prospect in the near future, we’ll need him to be better than what he showed us today. Offensively, we showed some glimpses, hit a team cycle – 5 singles, a Brandon Metz double, a three-bagger from Bob Clark, and a solo shot from Benny Hill – but, two of our runs came off hitting into DP’s with a man on 3rd (we’ve done that 3 times so far this season), and we stranded 9 runners over the course of the game. Meanwhile, the Twins batted us around, their pistons primed and timed to perfection, for 15 total hits, including the aforementioned homer and three doubles, and even left 11 guys stranded while charging 8 runs to our already overdrawn account.

Elsewhere: The Charlotte Imperials, the other 2020 expansion franchise, is off to an 0-10 start so far during their inaugural season. They’ve got a ways to go if they are to snatch the record of 21 straight losses from the clutches of that hapless Baltimore Orioles outfit… but, if anyone can do it, they can. I was raised to not take joy from the misfortune of others – and I’m trying to espouse that mindset with all of my might, but, with the press so focused on their rough start, I am enjoying the fact that I have not yet had to answer for my early sins as a GM.

11 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (1-0, 2.31) @ Kenta Maeda (1-1, 3.75)
Loss, 3-2. After a tense, players-only meeting, that I’m told included Jeremy Jackson throwing a chair at our second baseman, Bob Johnson, our team has the look of a high school daydreamer who’d rather be anywhere but here… and, just as I began to doubt my body language reading acumen (our 2-run top of the 2nd gave me wings), our closer, Raymond Maxfield, would walk in the tying run, and his replacement, Adan Kirk, would dole out a free pass to Hanley Ramirez that would prove to be the game-winner. We were like a serial shoplifter here who, with one foot out the door, suddenly grows a conscience and returns the would-be stolen goods to the shopkeeper before shuffling away slowly with his head hung low in shame.

Elsewhere: Charlotte lost again… another stay of execution for me as the press, in their dogged pursuit of negativity, is still completely focused on the turmoil the Imperials find themselves mired in. Also, to be filed under sketchy, I received a call after the game from our HR department. It seems that they’re having trouble with a routine reference check of those I listed on my, heavily manufactured, resume. In a panic, I gave them the number of an old snowboarding, and still serial couch-surfing, friend of mine who, when he was last put in this position, failed so miserably that I lost my girlfriend of 4-years, my job as a gas station attendant, and was evicted from my apartment in one fell swoop. So, he’s either gotten better at this sort of thing or I’ll be laser cutting argyle patterns into the outfield at Pendleton Park by this time next week.

12 of 156: Luke Tichepco (0-1, 5.63) @ Jose Berrios (1-1, 2.13)
Win, 1-0. Brad Gallo, our heavily accented SS from Holliston, MA, played the role of hero in this one – his run-scoring single off Berrios in the top of the 4th would prove to be the difference-maker in this one as our typically sub-par pitching staff kept our vessel afloat despite Tichepco’s lack of command (four free passes for him tonight). Minnesota, whose legs were tired from all the hitting they’ve been doing in this series, could only muster 5 total hits, left 12 runners stranded, and are, no doubt, kicking themselves for being bested by our collection of misfit toys. For our part, this will mark our second straight set of narrowly avoiding a sweep as we continue to benefit from our ability to lull opponents into a, mostly, false sense of security.


Elsewhere: Noah Syndergaard, who strikes me as a Thorfinn Skullsplitter type who’d readily offer our squad some support to get through the seasickness we’ve experienced throughout our maiden voyage so far, pitched a complete game, 4-hit shutout for the New York Mets during their 1-0 win over the Atlanta Braves. He only managed to record 7 Ks during the appearance, but four of those were spread evenly across Freddy Freeman and Ronald Acuna’s lines on the official score sheet. Syndergaard has proved to be a competent pillager for the Mets so far this season – he’s 3-0 with 21 Ks, 4 walks, and ZERO EARNED RUNS. When you pair that with Nimmo the Berserk’s torrid .383/.426/.574 slash and 179 OPS+ it’s not hard to see why the Mets have come out of the gate at 9-3 on their initial raid into the Frankish Empire.

Recap: Our early schedule has had us facing off with some real heavy hitters in the Los Angeles Angels, Houston Astros, and Minnesota Twins. And, going 4-8 through that gauntlet is nothing to scoff at. We’ve outperformed the Pyt by a game, have somehow posted a respectable -9 RDiff for a club of our makeup, and have gone 1-2 in 1-run games so far. We’ve somehow found a way to stay in most of these ballgames, and I’d be remiss not to appreciate our guys’ willingness to keep fighting against results that are mostly preordained. The initial build of a winning ballclub is always fraught with peril and our journey will be no different. I’ve placed Leake and Beckham on the block, keeping it really low key so neither of those two guys finds out about it and am hopeful that I can be the GM who started with a paperclip and traded all the way up to a used 1984 Jeep Cherokee with transmission issues. Clearly, I do not subscribe to the “sky’s the limit” school of thought – the sky, in our case, is not the limit… our limit is a 1984 Jeep Cherokee with transmission issues.

Record: 4-8

Up Next: We’ll spend three days in Kansas City playing what should only be loosely described as baseball against a club, that by record, looks to be as incompetent as we are. My head scout, Korey Porter, has assured me that this is not the case – we are, as he said, much, much worse than they are and would be lucky to come out of this set with a win. I mean, sheesh… tell me how you really feel, Korey.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (4-8, .333, 7th AL West) @ Kansas City Royals (5-7, .417, 6th AL West)
Kansas City is mired in the kind of dismal start that rivals our own, with a key difference being that their vessel is listing to the starboard side as they’ve loaded themselves unevenly on bloated contracts spent, mostly, on over-the-hill vets. So far, most of their high priced “talent” has shown itself to not just be over the hill, they’re settled into the valley below – hopping along like each well-hit ball the opposition sends back into the field is merely a flesh wound. They pair a ho-hum offense – 9th in average, 8th in OBP and OPS – with a pitching staff that is easily the worst in the AL so far – 16th in runs against, 15th in starters and bullpen ERA, 10th in FIP (could be worse). They are the baseball equivalent of pairing a nice, boxed, Franzia Chablis with a can of Smoked Cheddar Cheez Whiz. Fortunately for them, the Portland Pines are headed to town to bring our beer league style of play to their park for a few days – our penchant for baseball buffoonery should be, in the short term at least, the cure to all that ails them. Our goal here, as much as I hate to admit it, is to steal a game, to willingly take any hand-out they offer up, and to not get totally styled on over the next few days. I’d like to enjoy at least one Kansas City Strip Steak without any worry that the ulcer working so furiously to shut me down will rear its ugly head. I mean, if a trip to Kansas City triggers it, just imagine what a set against the Dodgers will do to me. Instantaneous death? Spontaneous combustion? Uncontrollable flatulence? All three combined? Is that even a possibility?

13 of 156: Chip Ex (1-0, 0.63) @ Glenn Sparkman (0-2, 18.47)
Loss, 7-2. We’d score our first run of the game when Benny Hill brought Bob Clark in by hitting into a double play (our 4th time doing that…). They’d score their first run of the game when our first baseman, Warren Kwan, bobbled a routine grounder in the bottom of the second - who knows how many times we’ve done that. After that, the wheels came off, and instead of looking through Yelp reviews to find the best Kansas City Strip Steak within walking distance I’m loading two bottles of pepto into the guzzler helmet I found in Tito Escobar’s locker… the Royals would finish that frame off with four runs, lull us into a false sense of security over the next couple of innings, and then put three more on us for good measure. For our part we bookended the game with our second run in the top of the 9th on a Brandon Metz hit run-scoring single before quietly backing off the field in the hopes that no one would notice that we were even there.


Elsewhere: SP Brendan McKay, of the Tampa Bay Rays, murked the Toronto Blue Jays offense during his first career NO-HITTER where he’d only face 29 hitters and fan 11 on 115 total pitches. Every Toronto hitter that played in the game fanned at least once. McKay’s game score of 95 is the best so far this season…




A Trade: I sent SS Tim Beckham and 30-year old RHP Andy Russo to Cincinnati for 31-year old CF Shogo Akiyama, 27-year old 3B Taylor Sparks, and a 3rd round pick. Cincinnati will retain a bit of Akiyama’s contract. Shogo, I’m sure, is super excited to join our sinking ship. Me? Meh. I wanted the pick. Also, before I forget – Vladimir Jr won player of the week in the AL (despite taking part in that NO-HITTER) and Juan Soto did the same in the NL (without being on the wrong end of a NO-NO). AND… the power rankings came out – we’re ranked 25th (instead of last).

14 of 156: Mel Keene (0-0, 3.86) @ Jorge Lopez (0-1, 15.63)
Loss, 3-1. Our offense continued to struggle in this one – we battled a bit, but, ultimately, couldn’t get much of value going in this one. KC won it early – their 3-run outburst in the bottom of the 4th was all she wrote – Salvador Perez put a nice 2-run homer on the board during the frame, it is his 4th longball of the year. Two errors for the club tonight – we got away with them here though – and 3 double plays really served to underscore our Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde's approach to defense… the pitching was pretty okay though, Keene went 6.1 and only allowed three runs and Ronnie Galster looked good in 1.2 innings of relief. What are you gonna do?

15 of 156: Mike Leake (0-1, 7.59) @ Jakob Junis (1-1, 5.84)
Loss, 7-3. When I brought Leake into the fold, I thought… here’s a guy that can do some good things for us. He’s cool, got that So-Cal, San Diego Zen vibe about him, and, hey, every once in a while he can throw a pretty mean baseball. So far, I’ve been wrong on all counts – he’s been more surly then Zen, doesn’t like cool indie-pop like I thought he would and hasn’t shown himself to be very good at throwing the ball. The stodgy old vet could only muster 3.1 innings of work in this one, allowed 8 hits, 6 runs, and handed out 4 free passes without even checking to see if the batters he gave them to met the height requirement. We got another error, another double play, peppered in an outfield assist, and even got a Benny Hill homer in the losing effort. You know… same as it ever was.

Elsewhere: Asdrubal Cabrera, of the Washington Nationals, went 3 for 3 with 3 ding dongs, 5 RBI, 3 runs, and two walks in his clubs 19-8 LOSS against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Nice. He should come work for us, he’ll fit right in.

Recap: I had two main goals here – steal one & don’t get embarrassed. We failed on both counts. That we’re a bad club is no big surprise, we knew coming into this season that we would be – we’re brand new, there was no expansion draft, and our open tryouts didn’t attract half of the talent that this cities former club, the Mavericks, did when they held one of those. The problem, however, isn’t that we’re bad – it’s that we’re stuck here. I have very few assets to trade – Shogo and Leake (if he can tighten it up) will be next to go if I can fetch some solid picks for them prior to the deadline – and we’ve got nothing in the cupboard to help us get some wins in the present. In short, we’re just going to have to embrace the grind, get used to being in the rear with the gear, and keep on marching.

Record: 4-11

Up Next: Three games in Seattle – the first of our Cascadia rivalry games…

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (4-11, .267, 7th AL West) @ Seattle Mariners (8-7, .533, t-3rd AL West)
The M’s have had an acceptable go of it so far in 2020 – they avoided a sweep against the Houston Astros earlier this month, took sets off Oakland and Los Angeles (OC edition), and, until recently, have looked better than the sum of their parts. They dropped their most recent set in Arlington, losing each of the last two games by a single run, and are now starting to settle into what, by all accounts, should be another season spent languishing at or near the bottom of the table. Pegged to battle us for 7th in the AL West during the preseason, Seattle owes their good, if you can call it that, start to their pitching staff who are ranked 2nd in starters ERA and 5th in FIP while their offense has mostly stalled out from the start and has shown no signs that they’ll get the engine to turn back over any time soon. At 14th in runs scored, bWAR, and average, 15th in OPS & wOBA, and 16th in home runs, to say that they struggle in the run manufacturing department would be an understatement. Of course, given that we are on our way to the Emerald City, I’ve no doubt that the Mariners are licking their chops at the opportunity to pad their record a bit over the next few days – where they’re bad, we’re worse – 16th in avg, OBP, OPS, wOBA, and 8th or worse in every pitching category – and if their offensive engine has stalled out then ours is missing the crankshaft. The Mariners are our natural rival, our fellow Cascadians who are looking to spread their influence from the Puget Sound down into the Willamette Valley, and, given that this is our first-ever crack at them, we want to make a good first impression. That we likely do not have the ability to do so gives me pause, to be sure, but we’re hoping that we pulled the winning numbers this time and that the last box we rub off the scratch ticket is a match. Could be a $5 match, $50 match, or $1000 match – we don’t care, we just want to get a win, and a little dopamine bump to carry us forward into the next set.

16 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (1-0, 2.00) @ Marco Gonzalez (2-0, 2.84)
Win, 7-2. We started this one off looking like a real, honest-to-goodness baseball club with a leadoff double from Bob Clark followed by a run-scoring double from Benny Hill… Tito followed that up by hitting into a double-play that scored a run (#5…), and we’d get one more on a Bob Johnson run-scoring single. And just like that, only half an inning into the game, we scored more runs than we did in our last two tilts combined to take a commanding (read: tenuous) 3-0 lead over our host. Jeremy Jackson carried a no-hitter into the 7th, we poured on 4 more runs, two each in the top of the 6th & 7th, hit three doubles as a club, and scored five of our seven runs with two outs already on the board. This may be the best baseball we’ve played so far this year – we looked every bit the part of an actual baseball club and managed to win the first game we’ve ever played against Seattle as an opening salvo to what will no doubt become a nice little regional rivalry.


Jeremy Jackson’s got scraps… your boy looked fierce on the bump today!

17 of 156: Luke Tichepco (1-1, 3.46) @ Yusei Kikuchi (1-2, 5.63)
Loss, 3-2. New guy, Shogo Akiyama, hit a run-scoring double, and recorded his first RBI in a Pines kit, during the top of the 4th to knot this one up for us after Tichepco navigated a bases-loaded jam admirably in only letting one runner to plate in the bottom of the 2nd. We’d trade a couple of runs after that with the M’s scoring a go-ahead run in the bottom of the 5th and us putting the equalizer across in the top of the 7th… in all, it’d take 11 innings to get this one sorted and, in typical Portland Pines fashion, reliever Adam McCreery would walk in the winning run in the bottom of that frame. The story here was the M’s complete disrespect of our Catchers arm – they stole 5 bags (took 3rd twice), Kikuchi’s 7 innings of rock-solid work, and our complete inability to get anything going offensively. I really need to find a way to upgrade our lineup – we have four starters batting under .200 so far this year.


Elsewhere: Big Baby Bryce Harper went 2 for 4 with 2 homers, 4 RBI, and a walk in the Phillies’ 7-6 loss against the Pittsburgh Pirates – best of both worlds here, Bryce gets to pad his stats and I get to see the Phillies drop one against their in-state rival (even if it’s a rivalry that few really care about). Pittsburgh’s Gregory Polanco went 3 for 4 with a double, a jack, 3 RBI, and a walk for the Pirates in the win. Also, in our division, the Oakland Athletics destroyed the Texas Rangers by a score of 15-7 on the back of Ramon Laureano’s 3 for 4 day that included two, two-baggers, a dinger, 2 RBI, 3 runs, and a free pass.

A couple of trades: Attempting to strike while the iron is lukewarm… We’ve sent SP Luke Tichepco, who was super unhappy in Portland, to Philadelphia, where the fans will make him miss our friendly little town, for CF Odubel Herrera and a 2nd round pick. Philly will pick up 20% of Odubel’s salary. We also sent RP Adam McCreery to Toronto for RP Shun Yamaguchi and a 4th round pick.

18 of 156: Chip Ex (1-1, 2.89) @ Danny Salazar (1-1, 2.18)
Loss, 6-0. The chatter in the clubhouse after I made those trades verged on treason as most players reacted to the news with remorse over the fact that it wasn’t them who was packing their bags… that attitude played itself out as you’d expect on the field – we didn’t secure our first hit of the game until the top of the 5th, would only manage to get 4 over the course of it, and wound up with two fielding flubs that should make tonight's low-light reel feature on BNN’s Baseball This Evening. Akiyama and Herrera both went hitless, we were caught with our hand in the honey pot twice, and we managed to hit into two automatic DP’s. Seattle's Danny Salazar managed to pitch a complete game shutout and fanned 7 while our staff gave up 6 runs, 4 walks, and THREE HOME RUNS.

Recap: Yikes… We’re in a bad way, man. We got our little hit of dopamine in the first game here and immediately came off that high to drop the next two, the last of which we managed to drop spectacularly. Our hitting is the absolute worst in all of organized baseball… we’re now ranked dead last in runs scored, average, OBP, OPS, WAR, and wOBA, and are 2nd to last in HRs. We are ranked 5th in steals though, so we got some good wheels, and the pitching isn’t a complete disaster – 5th in starters ERA, 11th in FIP – plus we play pretty good defense at 8th in efficiency and 7th in ZR. None of which, as indicated by our paltry 5-13 record, means diddly squat when you can’t hit. This is going to be one long, hard slog through mediocrity in year one… that much is clear.

Record: 5-13, 7th AL West

Up Next: We’ll head back to PDX to meet the Oakland Athletics in a winner takes all cage match. You bring the metal chair & I’ll bring the razor blades.

[pauwoo]

Oakland Athletics (8-10, .444, 5th AL West) @ Portland Pines (5-13, .278, 7th AL West)
We’ll get our first look at the Oakland Athletics here – they’re a good club, on the precipice of being a special club even, but have had some trouble finding their bearings in the early going of the 2020 season. Their slow start can be partly attributed to the early season troubles of Matt Chapman and Khris Davis at the plate, but the bulk of the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of their bullpen who have had three late-inning meltdowns early in the 2020 season. So far, Oakland, even with their +11 RDiff, is -2 against the Pythagorean and 0-4 in 1-run games. The reality is that they’re just a good bounce away from going on a run and there is no team in the league that offers as agreeable a four square surface as we do – I fully expect the Athletics to cut some mean angles against us here and to put some balls in play that we’ll be unable to return. Honestly, with the way we’ve been playing lately, I kind of wish this set was on the road.

19 of 156: A.J. Puk (0-0, 0.00) @ Mel Keene (0-1, 4.05)
Loss, 14-2. I’d like to take that last statement back. It’s good to be home and Pendleton Park is a gorgeous ballpark to play in – it’s just too bad that our play on the field fails so miserably to live up to the aesthetic of the park. And it didn’t take us long to put that lack of baseball acumen on display – the Athletics charged two to our account in the top of the 1st, loaded the bases twice, and did us a solid by leaving 2 runners stranded. But, wait… there’s more – a Marcus Semien 3-run jack in the top of the 2nd made the score 5-0, a Matt Olsen hit run-scoring two-bagger made it 6-0 two batters later (Laureano made it all the way around from 1st), and a Matt Chapman 2-run jack two more batters later put them ahead 8-0. And, given that we're not the kind of club that is capable of coming back from that kind of deficit, that was pretty much all she wrote… Of course, Oakland would toss 6 more runs up on the scoreboard and we’d manage to replace our zero with a two before this one was in the books… but, at the end of the day, we earned ourselves another L and that run Oakland’s been itching to go on has officially begun.


Elsewhere: Didi Gregorius, of Philadelphia, went 3 for 4 with THREE HOMERS, and 5 RBI in the Phillies’ 9-7 win over the New York Mets. Philly, despite a poor start from Reggie McClain (4 innings, 5 earned, 4 free passes, 2 HRA), managed to deal the Mets their 6th loss of the season while improving to 8-11 on the year. Bryce Harper, batting a dismal .211 so far, went 2 for 3 with 2 RBI and 2 runs in the win, while Andrew McCutchen finished with a hit, an error, and a CS during the contest. Didi, it should be noted, also took home the NL Player of the Week honors while Oakland’s Marcus Semien did the same in the American League.

20 of 156: Chris Bassitt (1-1, 2.84) @ Mike Leake (0-2, 9.64)
Loss, 7-3. We’d get Leake’s best performance in a PDX kit so far, even if it was only a 5 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 5 K day for our de facto ace… but, it wouldn’t be enough, as our bullpen fell apart late and Oakland’s offense continued to rake. Stephen Piscotty brought three in, Chapman put his 6th double on the board, and Semien blasted his 7th ball into the cheap seats – I guess what they say is true… you’ll never look as good as you do in Pendleton Park against those poor, poor Portland Pines. For our part we had 5 regulars record 2 K’s each, left 13 runners stranded, and, really, just did everything in our power to hand this one over to the Athletics on a pewter platter (we don’t have any silver, we’re not good enough for silver).

21 of 156: Jesus Luzardo (3-1, 3.20) @ Emerson Barros (0-0, 0.00)
Loss, 8-4. Former IL refugee, Emerson Barros, who was healthy enough to pitch, but not good enough to do it well, gave us 2.1 innings of work, allowed 9 hits & 6 runs, and handed out 3 free passes in his Portland Debut… and, as is our won't, we laid down and pretended we were dead for the Oakland Athletics again tonight. The short of it is that nearly all their guys played well, while most of ours did the exact opposite – 8 more left on, we grounded into two DP’s, and were caught with our hand in the honey pot twice. It only took us three home sets to finally get swept in our park – that’ll make a nice beginner’s question in the orange category of Trivial Pursuit: Family Edition someday.


Elsewhere: New York’s Gerrit Cole accomplished the rarest of feats today – the young man, standing at 6’4” tall and weighing in at 225lbs, landed his jab at will, KO’d 16 batters, and completed the first PERFECT GAME of his career in a 7-0 win over the Detroit Tigers. It only took him 92 pitches to do it too… there’s dominant, and then there’s a 92-pitch, 16 K PERFECT GAME. Wow. Had this come against my club, he could have done it in 70 total pitches.





Recap: A couple of things that don’t feel good: We were swept, at home, for the first time in our short history. In front of our wives, mistresses, families, and friends. Embarrassed, really. This was the equivalent of getting teched in front of your school at your first-ever duel meet. Rag dolled, hit with everything from a cowcatcher to a high crotch over the head dump. One thing I do feel good about: We’re headed back out on the road, so, if nothing else, we won’t have to hang our heads low in shame in and around Portland until we get back on the 30th to welcome the M’s to town.

Record: 5-16, we’re last in the AL West. Charlotte is 2-19, so, that’s cool.

Up Next: We’ll head to Arlington to take on the Texas Rangers. They’re the only team that we have a series win over – let’s hope that they forgot about that and take it easy on us.

[pauwoo]

Because I can't leave well enough alone and really wanted to get some more picks...

The Baseball News Network is reporting that Portland and San Diego have made a swap with 28-year-old 2B Bob Johnson and 25-year-old RHP Chip Ex being shipped to the Padres and in return, the Pines would get 31-year-old LHP Drew Pomeranz, 23-year-old RHP Hunter Kiel, and a 2nd round draft pick.

The Portland Pines have made a deal sending 32-year-old CF Shogo Akiyama and 23-year-old RHP Raymond Maxfield to the Seattle Mariners for 27-year-old RHP Taijuan Walker, 26-year-old RF Mallex Smith, and a 4th round draft pick. Both sides are said to be pleased with the way the trade worked out. Note: The M's had Taijuan sitting on the RR...

Now I just want to sim forward to the draft...

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (5-16, .238, 8th AL West) @ Texas Rangers (6-15, .286, 7th AL West)
The Rangers shouldn’t be here, at the bottom, with us – they’re not world-beaters, to be sure, but they aren’t really a doormat either. On paper, they look like a gatekeeper club, that fine line between the haves and have nots. The expectation was that they’d tread water in 2020 before bringing up some of their prospects in 2021 to round out the talent on the big club – that’s when they’d start to make their move… this wasn’t supposed to be a throwaway season, the expectation was that they’d continue to move, directionally, towards their goal of being a true-blue, bonafide contender. Hell, there were even some pundits who believed they’d contend this season… so far though, any talk of them taking that next step has been a nonstarter as their lineup is in shambles (4 regulars batting under .200) and their staff has made a habit of soft-tossing grapefruits into the strike zone. Basically, they’re as bad as we are – which is a problem. Under normal circumstances, you’d see Texas on the schedule and, given the way they’ve been putting it down, feel pretty good about your chances. These are not normal circumstances because my Pines don’t really belong on the same field with these guys… we’re a glorified Triple-A club, devoid of any real prospects, and wholly incapable of competing with a club as talented as Texas. Either they continue to play well below their station and hand us a couple or we get laughed out of the league once and for all.

22 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (2-0, 1.82) @ Lance Lynn (1-3, 8.05)
Loss, 6-1. If you asked me whether or not I thought that we’d ever win another ball game this year, my answer would be a resounding ‘no’. It seems that, if nothing else, the early part of our season has taught me that a guy with an AA in Landscape Technology has no business running a baseball club… the question here is how long can I fake it before our ownership group figures out that, under my leadership, we will likely never make it. Lance Lynn, who has sucked all year, didn’t suck tonight – he was tossing bee bees for 6.1 innings and only allowed 3 hits – Elvis Andrus hit a 3-run triple that really should have been an inside the parker, and Shin-Soo Choo drove in 3 to bring his RBI total up to 15 on the year. Jackson was brutalized by the Rangers lineup – he gave up a run per inning pitched (6 in total) – and even allowed Joey Gallo’s 7th jack of the season. Interestingly, if you are a Rangers fan at least, Gallo has hit 7 jacks on 14 total hits. That means that 50% of his hits have left the park. That’s half of his hits.


Elsewhere: At less than a month into the 2020 campaign, we’ve already seen a no-no, a perfect game, and now, thanks to Nick Ahmed, of the Arizona Diamondbacks, we can add a cycle to the mix. The 30-year-old shortstop went 4-for-4, with a single in the 3rd, a double in the 5th, a 3-run triple in the 6th, and a solo homer in the 8th. So, that’s a natural cycle for the Phoenix-based slugger.

23 of 156: Clay Buchholz (0-0, 0.00) @ Mike Minor (0-1, 5.55)
Loss, 7-3. At the rate we’re going, we will set the record for the shortest length of time from debut to folding for an expansion franchise in the history of professional sports – has there been a franchise that couldn’t even complete their inaugural season? Things were looking okay in this one early – we put up a couple of runs in the top of the first but saw our lead slip away in the bottom of the 5th, and any hope of a comeback was out of reach before the start of the 7th frame. Buchholz got shelled, 6 earned spread across 5.2 innings of work, we left 8 stranded and continued to hit the ball like a coach-pitch club trying to hit a golf ball with a toothpick. It’s a sad state of affairs, man.

24 of 156: Mike Leake (0-2, 7.78) @ Kyle Gibson (1-3, 4.97)
Loss, 6-5. We battled, valiantly… like a loose collection of half-drunk knights who had no idea how the got a seat at the round table to begin with. A run-scoring double from Emery Gaslin, followed by a 2-run double from Mallex Smith, put us up one in the top of the 7th. And, before I could decide between storming the field like Jim Valvano did at the buzzer of that NC State win or acting nonchalant like I expected the result, Willie Calhoun hit a 2-run bomb that brought me back down to earth. We managed to put another run on the board in the top of the 8th – Tito Escobar, who has been frigid for us lately, hit a SAC FLY to knot it up… in the end, however, all we were really doing was setting the stage for Shin-Soo Choo, who, recognizing an opportunity to don his dusty, old cape, hit the game-winning, walk-off home run to send us off to the showers and deeper into a pit of despair the likes of which I’ve never known before.

Recap: It’s completely possible – NAY… LIKELY – that we will not win another ballgame this year. We stink, ours is an aroma of sweated onion mixed with a ripened Brie. We’ve already set the record for most returns of officially licensed team apparel, are ranked last in the AL in 5 offensive categories, and have recently been challenged to an exhibition by the winning team of the Little League World Series… they’re a scrappy group of foul-mouthed kids from the mean streets of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, who’d likely sweep us without breaking a sweat.

Record: 5-19, .208, 8th in the AL West.

Up Next: We’ll head to Oakland for a three-game set against the team that swept us at home exactly one week ago tomorrow. Should be fun… we’ve lost 8 straight tilts and have the look of a club that could go 0-11 before returning to the not-so-friendly confines of Pendleton Park to take on the Seattle Mariners.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (5-19, .208, 8th AL West) @ Oakland Athletics (12-12, .500, 5th AL West)
The Athletics are everything a club like ours aspires to be – balanced, cost-effective, and stacked with good, young talent that is still cheap enough to not break the bank. Outside of the three bullpen arms that have guided them to a record that is 3 games below where the Pyt would have them and their unfortunate 0-5 record in 1-run games, Oakland is performing at or above expectations everywhere else. Their expertly tuned, and perfectly sequenced lineup is performing at a clip that is good enough for the 2nd ranking overall in the American League, where their 5.8 runs per game are only bested by the 6.5 runs per game that the Blue Jays have generated so far. The pitching has been admirable too – they rank 7th in the AL overall, only allow 4.4 runs per contest, but they’ve struggled to keep balls in the park late in games and have watched 32 of them sail over the fence (often at the most inopportune of times). They’re an especially tough team to beat – coming on like a championship boxer with a legendary set of whiskers that likes to ply their trade in a phone booth with designs on dragging you into deep waters until you wilt under their pressure. They are built for clubs like ours – with our jab that is not stiff enough to keep a young amateur at distance, devoid of the power required to make them pay for mistakes made on the inside, and without the footwork necessary to dance out of the traps they ploddingly set, we’ll likely suffer the same fate we did only one short week ago when these guys beat us from pillar to post in our host city and secured the first-ever sweep by an opposing club in Pendleton Park.

25 of 156: Adan Kirk (0-0, 1.08) @ Chris Bassitt (2-1, 2.52)
Win, 5-4. We went into the stretch with a 1-run lead – I can’t remember the last time that happened, I’m not 100% sure that it ever has – and somehow, someway managed to keep it securely held in our less than kung fu grip. Adan tossed 7-innings of 5-hit ball, walked a couple and fanned 7 and Tito Escobar, doing everything in his power to get that snowflake icon removed from his name on the lineup card, hit a 2-run double in the top of the 1st that gave us the confidence to put three more runs on the board later in the game. In total, we’d hit 3 doubles (Tito, Gaslin, and Mohammed did the honors), a solo homer (Bob Clark’s 2nd of the year), and two, 2-out RBIs for the game. We also managed to display some defensive wizardry with two double plays… we finally broke the losing streak and, while I didn’t go full Jimmy V after we recorded the final out, I am seriously relieved that we managed to overcome our recent troubles to get the much-needed victory in Oakland. Now, instead of our losing streak, the BNN reporters can pontificate on why the Athletics can’t seem to win any 1-run games…

26 of 156: Emerson Barros (0-1, 23.14) @ Jesus Luzardo (4-1, 3.34)
Win, 8-2. We managed to stave off reality once again, staring our detractors in the eye just long enough to take full advantage of the proverbial punchers chance, and banged out a satisfying 8-2 win over a club that is our superior in every conceivable way. That we were assisted by two uncharacteristic fielding flubs from Oakland is of no consequence – or, at least I refuse to consider it as these good, warm, and fuzzy winning vibes wash over me. Jon Berti went 2 for 5 with 2 RBI, Tito racked up two more hits, Brandon Metz hit his 2nd jack of the season, and we managed to tally 8 runs despite leaving 7 stranded. Three more doubles today, 2 swiped bags, and a 7-inning performance from Barros who, in allowing only two runners to plate, managed to cut his ERA from 23.14 to 7.71 – all systems go! We even managed to pitch our way out of more than a few jams during the game as Oakland left 9 runners stranded during the contest. We have an opportunity for a sweep – and, while I know that I shouldn’t draw any attention to that reality, I just can’t stop myself from feeling really, really good about that.

27 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (2-1, 3.16) @ Sean Manaea (2-1, 4.55)
Loss, 1-0. Sometimes life throws you a fastball, without any life on it, straight down the middle of the plate when you were expecting a curve… this was not one of those times, we got the pitch we were expecting and, same as it ever was, we were unable to handle it. Oakland, now 1-6 in 1-run games, did all the little things right in this one, overcame a superb performance from Jeremy Jackson (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 K’s), and managed to right their ship while shutting us down and out to avoid the sweep. We almost returned the favor against them here, but, in the end, were found wanting. Chad Pinder’s solo homer off Jackson in the bottom of the 3rd was the difference maker here as Oakland played down to our level for the 3rd straight game but, somehow, managed to get the last laugh anyway. We left six on base, hit into two double plays, and Odubel Herrera got caught with his hand in the honeypot to kill a rally attempt in the top of the 8th. Still, we played some good baseball in Oakland, the good vibes haven’t completely worn off, and I’m hoping that we can carry them forward when Seattle meets us back in PDX in a couple of days.


Elsewhere: Eloy Jimenez, of the Chicago White Sox, went 3 for 4 with 3 ding dongs, 3 RBI, and a walk in his clubs 7-4 win against the Toronto Blue Jays and their top-ranked offense. Chicago is off to a rip-roaring 17-10 start so far and have been all but carried by Eloy who now has 10 homers on the year. His .235/.261/.530 slash leaves a bit to be desired, sure – but we’d take those jacks in a New York minute. You just can’t underestimate the value of a well-timed difference-maker.

Recap: Finally, something to feel good about… baseball, as ever, is a fickle mistress, and, I know full well that falling into the trap of getting too high with the highs is a recipe for disaster – but, given that I’ve come to realize that these ‘good times’ will be few and far between, I plan to celebrate this with all the revelry I can muster. I’ll need you to do me a solid, though – set aside some bail money and stay close to your phone, please. Look, we played well here – that feels good – but, I’m a realist, and I know that it might be a stretch before we put it together like we did in Oakland again. We have a long way to go to become a respectable team on the field… but, we’ve been collecting draft picks, have managed to free up some capital, and have a plan in place to get competitive in short order. A series like this serves to lift our spirits, even if that buoyancy is only short-lived so that we can focus on our build – our time will come. It’ll be a few years, but it will come.

Record: 7-20, .259, 8th AL West.

Up Next: We’ll take a much-needed day of rest before welcoming those miscreants from the Puget Sound to our park for a 3-game set. We went 1-2 on our trip to Seattle, so, we’ll need to remedy that here if this rivalry is to have any chance of actually becoming a thing.

[pauwoo]

Seattle Mariners (15-12, .556, 3rd AL West) @ Portland Pines (7-20, .259, 8th AL West)
Seattle had a good thing going for a while – it was a city with some real, authentic local vibes that was able to step up and give the music industry a kick in the teeth when it needed it most once upon a time… but, let’s face it, those days are gone, replaced by sky-rocketing real estate prices, a homogenized downtown, with a once flourishing local flair that has been replaced by a yuppie paradise in the house that Jeff built. Sure, they still have the Biscuit Bitch (look them up) and their Roller Derby outfit (RAT CITY, REPRESENT) is still top-notch, but, with a new Starbucks popping up on nearly every corner, those days are so far back in the rearview that one has to wonder if they ever happened at all. And, their ballclub, since that epic collapse in 2001, has done some little things here and there, but in total has not been able to bring any of that Sodo Mojo back to the Emerald City. Over the last 6 years, they’ve traded a winning season for a losing one every other year and are mired in the longest playoff drought of any active Major League franchise. Add in the fact that they are embroiled in a creatively dubbed tanking effort and you have the makings of the same recipe that led to the Supersonics theft by that businessman from Oklahoma City. Of course, with all that being said, I’m sure they had these dates circled on their calendar as we will, undoubtedly, present them with an opportunity to sell some wolf tickets to the Mariners faithful as they should look much, much better than the sum of their parts over the next three days.

28 of 156: Danny Salazar (3-1, 1.41) @ Clay Buchholz (0-1, 9.53)
Win, 5-4. Not unlike our first crack at the Mariners in Seattle, we were able to open this set with a hard-earned victory to give our budding rivalry some early life. Buchholz gave us good performance – he allowed four runs and eight hits over 7.1 innings of work but kept us within striking distance and only let one ball make it over the fence – a 2-run shot from Tom Murphy. For our part, we hit two, two-baggers, one of which was of the run-scoring variety from Jon Berti – Tito, now with that snowflake removed and looking good of late, hit a solo homer in the fifth, and Mohammed Johnson recorded his third longball of the year. Mallex swiped two bags, Benny hit a sac fly, and, what we lack in true blue baseball playing acumen, we’ve, once again, made up for in hard work and hustle.


Elsewhere: Miguel Rojas, out of Miami, went 5 for 5 with a HR, 3 RBI, and a run in the Marlins 5-4 win over the defending champion Washington Nationals. The young man was pretty much the whole show for the Marlins here and his three-run jack in the top of the 4th sealed the deal nicely for his club who improved to 11-17 on the year. Miami Skipper, Don Mattingly, was smiling ear to ear during the postgame press conference – it seems that the young infielder made the ol’ salty dog proud in this one.

Some Awards… Vladimir Jr and Juan Soto took home batter of the month honors while Tampa Bay’s Brendan McKay and Mike Soroka, out of the ATL, took home Hurler of the Month honors. No Portland Pines players received any serious consideration during the vote.

29 of 156: Erik Swanson (1-4, 3.86) @ Mike Leake (0-2, 7.18)
Loss, 2-1. Once again, we’d find ourselves in another hard-scrabble dogfight against our neighbors from the north, but, not surprisingly, would end up on the wrong side of a 2-1 loss. We battled though… Leake improved his ERA to 6.34 over 6.1 innings of work where he allowed only 2 runs on 7 hits, and Tito, in a continuation of his run of good fortune, hit a solo homer in the bottom of the 7th that looked like the start of a good rally until Brandon Metz and Bob Clark both fanned behind him. Two doubles, a homer, three total stolen bases, and an outfield assist weren’t enough for us to overcome our impatience at the plate (11 Ks as a team) to steal another from Seattle. It was a good effort and good overall account of ourselves, spoiled by a 2-run jack from Vogelbach that secured the win for the Mariners.


Elsewhere: Stone Quackenbush, of the Charlotte Imperials, went 2 for 3 with a HR, 3 RBI, and 2 runs in his clubs improbable 10-9 win over the Atlanta Braves. Quackenbush, described as a lunch pail kind of guy by his teammates, is hitting .247/.334/.423 with 5 homers and 17 RBI for the newly christened Imperials, and, by most accounts, is the only bright spot on an otherwise dreadful club that is 6-23 so far in their inaugural season. And, you’re right, we’re not much better, but, when you find yourself mired in a season like ours, you must allow yourself some of life’s small pleasures. Like, enjoying the misfortune of others, for instance.

30 of 156: Yohan Ramirez (2-0, 4.32) @ Adan Kirk (1-0, 2.93)
Win, 2-1. We’re on that gold label now, living the high life of a winning baseball club plying their trade at the games highest level… or something like that. The reality here is that we enacted a small measure of revenge, evened up the season series with our natural PNW rivals, and did it with our nose to the grindstone off a Bob Clark run-scoring single in the bottom of the 8th that, ultimately, sent our fans off into the night with a little extra pep in their step. That our first 10-thousand fans received a nice, American-made Pendleton scarf was the icing on the cake of a 6-inning, 6 hit, 2 earned performance from Adan, and a team-record 4 steal game. 32,510 of our most ardent followers were in attendance tonight to see our club dig deep for the win. I’m elated – high on life, and ready to hit the town like I am already the local legend I aspire to be. Of note: Mallex Smith went 3 for 5 against his former club today.

Elsewhere: Niko Goodrum, who’s in the running for best last name in the game, went 3 for 4 with 2 ding dongs, 3 RBI, and 2 runs in the Detroit Tigers’ 8-3 win over the Chicago White Sox. Chicago, who came off the line like an absolute thoroughbred, has now lost two straight to the lowly Tigers and are sitting in 3rd on the AL East table with an 18-12 record.

Recap: Honestly, I have no idea what has gotten into us – we’re in the midst of a good stretch of playing a grinding style of good old-fashioned hard-nosed baseball that is yielding some results I did not expect. That our club has made a conscious effort to push back against the naysaying to leave everything out on the field lately is a good sign. A small beacon of shining light, almost imperceptible to the naked eye as it does its level best to pierce the early morning fog. We’ll embrace this new-found hope that has blown its way into our sails knowing full well that the voyage ahead will be filled with huge swells and blistering winds… if nothing else, it would seem to bode well for our far off, distant future as a Portland based professional ballclub.

Record: 9-21, .300, 8th AL West

Up Next: There will be no rest for the wicked as we’ll pack up for the trek to Houston where we’ll take our beatings like a man clinging desperately to his misplaced, semi-toxic masculinity.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (9-21, .300, 8th AL West) @ Houston Astros (21-9, .700, 1st AL West)
I expect this to go like a bout between a bantamweight and a heavyweight would go – we’ll get toyed with, tossed around, and, eventually, knocked unconscious by the MLB representative from Houston, TX. There is not a facet of the game where we are their equal – in fact, I don’t think it would be a stretch to say that the clubs from their development system would give us a run. Their offense rakes, the run-scoring engine is firing on all cylinders, and the pitching is designed to give clubs like ours fits. And, as if that isn’t enough, we’ll get the top of their rotation during this series, so, finding ourselves on the wrong side of a no-hitter or perfect game is not out of the question. Houston is coming into this set on a 4-game winning streak that includes a sweep over Kansas City, a team that owns one of those over us already, in their building and are no doubt licking their lips at the chance to secure back to back sweeps in their quest to assert their dominance over our less-than-illustrious division.

31 of 156: Emerson Barros (1-1, 7.71) @ Justin Verlander (2-3, 4.85)
Win, 9-2. Left is right, up is down, and the world is flat… it’s honestly difficult for me to put into words what I’ve just witnessed. Emerson Barros looked down the barrel of a gun and lived to tell the tale here in a 7.2 inning performance where he only allowed three hits and two runs while fanning five to go along with the five free passes he doled out, we got homers from Jon Berti & Brandon Metz, and, somehow, managed to shock the world in Space City. 11 total hits, 9 runs scored, 2, 2-out RBIs, a SAC FLY, and FIVE SWIPED BAGS (a new, new record) for the club today in what may have been our best, most rollicking performance yet. I sure hope my assistant recorded this one – I’d like to have it handy to get me through those lean times that are surely just over the horizon.


Elsewhere: San Diego, behind the stellar work at the plate from Fernando Tatis Jr, has won 9 straight with their latest victory, a 10-3 drubbing, coming at the expense of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Tatis went 5 for 5 on the day with 2 runs, 4 RBI, a homer, and a free pass to lead his club to victory… San Diego, who now sit at 18-13, were mired in a poor start to the 2020 season before dialing it in to close out April and start May off on the good foot. For his part, Tatis is now hitting .315/.379/.554 on the year with 6 jacks and 18 riblets. The kid, at just 21-years of age, is trending to finish the season with a rock-solid 8.1 WAR.

32 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (2-2, 2.82) @ Lance McCullers Jr (3-2, 4.94)
Loss, 3-1. Acceptable – we didn’t get totally destroyed, Jackson put in a solid performance & fanned 7, and Mohammed Johnson’s run-scoring single in the top of the 5th kept us from getting shut out. I mean, I’ll take it – coming in to this set, I really thought we would get styled on in Houston, and, so far, that just hasn’t been the case. The guys are battling and giving a good account of themselves. For many of our players, this season will play out like a 1-year audition to maintain a Major League career, so it’s good to see them out there hustling, playing the game with reckless abandon, and doing their level best to earn W’s. And, another cool thing so far is that none of Houston’s heavy hitters has performed particularly well – it’s nice that they haven’t used us to pad their stats.


33 of 156: Ben Hartigan (0-1, 8.77) @ Zach Greinke (5-1, 3.95)
Win, 8-0. It was Mike Leake’s turn in the rotation tonight, but, in a last-minute change of plans, our Skipper, Jeff Doucette, decided to let him stew on the pine and started our resident Irishman, Ben Hartigan, in his place. He responded to the opportunity with gusto – 7 innings pitched, 4 hits, 0 earned, and a K (just one…). Offensively, we were paced by Brayden Dickey who went 3 for 4 (had he added a triple to the mix he would’ve hit for the cycle), scored three times, and drove in two… Odubel Herrera joined him with a homer (IT WAS A GRAND SLAM… THE FIRST IN TEAM HISTORY), Sonny Bermudez matched his double, and as a club, we managed to brutalize one of the best in the game for 12 hits and 8 runs (though only 3 of them were earned). Also, that cheating cheater, Carlos Correa, was responsible for the fielding flub that allowed the 4 additional runs we put on the board during Greinke’s time on the mound… so, that’s pretty cool.

Recap: We’re still moored to the bottom of the AL West table but have navigated our last ten tilts with a 6-4 record and took two of three off the biggest, baddest club in our division. I would have been elated had we managed to only crib one of the three, but TWO? That’s special… and, I know, you’re right, things like this happen in baseball all the time – it’s just that they don’t often happen to us, so I’ll enjoy it while I can. To roll into southeast Texas, cocksure and full of ourselves like we belonged on the field with these guys is to be expected – we’re a young(ish) collection of baseball lifers who wouldn’t have made it this far in baseball without an unrealistic sense of self – but, to back it up on the field of play? That, in my book, makes us legends – if only for this flight home.

Record: 11-22, .333, 8th AL West

Up Next: We’re headed back to Portland, on our team jet… the beer is flowing, that smack talk is raucous, and we feel pretty darn good about ourselves… and with a set against the KC club that swept us in Kansas City when we first met looming, we’re confident that maybe, just maybe, we’re good enough to return the favor over three games in Pendleton Park.

[pauwoo]

Kansas City Royals (12-21, .364, 7th AL West) @ Portland Pines (11-22, .333, 8th AL West)
The last time we ran into Kansas City, I remember thinking that they looked a lot like us – lacking in talent, over-extended on contracts, and without any clear paths to contention. I also thought that we’d have a great chance at beating them… but, I was wrong – I allowed myself to get too hopeful, too confident that we belonged on the same field as them in real life because we looked so similar on paper. It was one of my first lessons in baseball humility – we ended up on the wrong side of a sweep, were outscored by 11 runs over three games, and were sent off to Seattle with our tails tucked firmly between our legs. But I guess that lesson in humility didn’t stick… because, here I am, all set to take on KC again, this time in our house, and I’m hopeful… confident, even. Their staff is in worse shape than when we first met and are now ranked dead last in three categories, their defense has allowed the most runs of any club in the American League, and their offense is ranked above only our own and that of the Seattle Mariners. The difference this time around is that we’re a hot club, coming off a series win against one of the most highly decorated clubs in our league and KC is not… they’ve lost 7 of their last ten contests and, most recently, dropped a set to the Texas Rangers at home. These circumstances seem to equal as good an opportunity a club like mine can expect coming into a home series… if we can show some mettle and get the series win here, it will go a long way towards solidifying our owners' belief in the long-term plans I set before him prior to Opening Day.

34 of 156: Brad Keller (1-4, 7.47) @ Mike Leake (0-3, 6.34)
Win, 6-1. And the good times aren’t killing me… Leake picked up his first W as a member of the Portland Pines (a couple more of those and we’ll put him back on the block) and went the distance in a complete-game, 7-hit, 1-run performance for the club, Odubel hit his second GRAND SLAM in as many days (what?!?), and Mallex Smith went 2 for 4 with a couple of runs. The team was sharp in this one – our lineup was sequenced perfectly, we only fanned three times as a unit, and recorded 6 runs on 7 total hits… that’s called being efficient. This was the start I was looking for – a nice game one victory and a small measure of revenge against the first club to sweep us in team history… now, to complete it, with an Inigo Montoya type flair, we’ll need to carry this forward tomorrow and take care of business once again.

35 of 156: Andrew Cashner (1-2, 7.62) @ Adan Kirk (1-0, 2.95)
Win, 8-7. Our first smash mouth, rock ‘em, sock ‘em slugfest… which we won despite KC out homering us 4-2. Jon Berti went 2 for 4 with a 3-run jack in the bottom of the 5th, Benny Hill hit a 2-run double in the bottom of the 6th, and nearly every start recorded at least one hit with only Braden Dickey coming up empty at the plate. We got everything in twos today… two doubles, two homers (one was Odubel’s 3rd jack in as many games), 2, 2-out RBIs, and 2 stolen bases for the club. Adan got shelled, but the Royals’ starter, Cashner, was even worse, and, while our bullpen had trouble holding the line, our offense made up for each of their transgressions on the mound. Note: Adan Kirk gave up THREE homers during the game which more than doubled his HRA total for the year… he’s now given up 5 jacks so far in 2020, which doesn’t even put him close to the top of that dubious category… some notable pitchers that are in the top 10 include Zach Grienke and Kyle Freeland.

36 of 156: Danny Duffy (3-4, 4.58) @ Emerson Barros (2-1, 5.29)
Win, 5-4. We snuck by the Royals in extras off a Bob Clark walk-off, run-scoring single in the bottom of the 12th, and have successfully enacted some sweet, sweet revenge against the Royals on the way to earning our first-ever series sweep in Pendleton Park! KC put three bad ones on us in the top of the 1st – coming off the line like a team on a mission – but we’d chip away at it with runs in the bottoms of the 5th and 6th before pulling ahead during the bottom of the 7th frame when Mallex Smith hit a dramatic 2-run moonshot. The Royals had no quit though… and would find their way home during the top of the 9th, setting Bob up for the walk-off run-scoring single. Two firsts for our club here – our first series sweep & our first win in extras.


Elsewhere: The Philadelphia Phillies showed no remorse today after pummeling the Charlotte Imperials by a score of 23-0. During the game, Jean Segura hit two jacks, included a 3-run shot and a GRAND SLAM. In total, the Phillies hit 7 homers in a complete annihilation of Charlotte’s staff. It got so bad for the Imperials that they had to send their backup catcher (he allowed 5 runs) and utility infielder (he recorded the final two outs) out to the mound to finish this one up. After the loss, Charlotte now has a -156 RDiff for the season.

Recap: Every team is capable of going on a run during the long slog of a baseball season, even the worst of them. The game lends itself to this sort of thing – where one errant throw or infield hit can be the difference between a win and a loss. This then is likely ours – and, if I’m honest, the clock is ticking on it. We’re in the midst of a 7-3 stretch, have won our last 4 contests, and have the look of a club that is good for a few more. Surely, our hustle will get outpaced by reality soon, but, for now, I’d just like to sit back and enjoy it – to let myself occupy a world where this is supposed to happen if only for practice. We have a 4-year plan, we’ve put it in motion, have stocked up on draft picks, and I believe that we may be able to beat the timetable we laid out. Obviously, it’s not going to happen for us this year – there’s a lot of runway left, and we went into this attempt at flight knowing full well that we are down an engine and without a licensed pilot. So, even though we are still in the ‘faking it’ stage it feels good to reach for the stars and come down with a little bit of stardust for a change.

Record: 14-22, .389, 7th AL West

Up Next: We’ll head to Orange County and do our best to not get too distracted by all the bored housewives rocking their perfectly fitted yoga pants while Mike Trout and Anthony Rendon make a mockery of our pitching staff.

[pauwoo]

Los Angeles Angels (18-18, .500, 5th AL West) @ Portland Pines (14-22, .389, 7th AL West)
We’ll get our second crack at the Angels here after opening our season (and existence) on the wrong side of a sweep back in March – including a heartbreaking loss in a 17-inning slog that still sends shivers down my spine. It was as inauspicious a start as an expansion could have, and when you add in the fact that they dispatched us without any Mike Trout heroics in that set, we could be in big trouble here. The fact that we are on a 7-3 run while they have gone 3-7 over the same stretch plays into our hands a bit, but that fact is quickly discounted when you compare their club against ours from a talent perspective. I told our coaching staff that our goal here is another sweep, that nothing else will suffice… the reality is that I’ll be happy with a win, any win, over the next few days, and no matter how much conviction I delivered that message to our Skipper, he’s been around, knows the score, and can see me coming from a mile away.

37 of 156: Julio Teheran (2-3, 3.98) @ Jeremy Jackson (2-3, 3.05)
Win, 6-5. We’d play our second 17-inning game against the Angels in 2020, but this time we’d get the win, in a less than glorious fashion, when a late fielding flub committed by Tommy La Stella led to the game-winner finding its way across the plate. We survived a poor start from Jackson, he gave up five runs, allowed doubles to Ohtani and Rendon, had to look on in disgust as Mike Trout’s 13th long ball of the year left the park, and came away with a hard-fought win here thanks to the play of Jon Berti who went 4 for 6 with a double, a homer, 2 RBI, a run, and 3 walks. Brad Gallo also walked three times, Mallex Smith added four more, and in total, we earned 14 free passes as a club. The Angels handed us this one on a silver platter – but, as ever, there is no shame in our game and we will happily take what was given without blinking an eye. Thank you, sir, may I have another…

38 of 156: Dylan Bundy (4-0, 2.48) @ Xander Graybill (0-0, 3.00)
Loss, 5-1. All good things must come to an end… we came out doing it, scored our lone run in the bottom of the first and then proceeded to play flat for the rest of the game. The Angels would climb back into it during the top of the 2nd when Anthony Rendon hit a run-scoring double to knot it up, and they’d take control of it in the top of the 6th with a 2-run homer from Rendon and a run-scoring single from Jared Walsh that brought Trout around. Graybill didn’t fare so well – he gave up 5 runs and couldn’t make it through the 6th as Los Angeles started putting it on him during that frame, our offense went cold, and Tito Escobar added an error to his 0 for 3 performance. Just one day after setting a club record of 14 walks in a single game, our impatience returned here as we could only earn one of those and fanned seven times as a unit. We did get our first ever SAC BUNT though, so, should that make it’s way into a trivia question at your favorite pub, go ahead an queue up Brad Gallo of the Portland Pines as your answer.

39 of 156: Shohei Ohtani (2-5, 4.01) @ Mike Leake (1-3, 5.18)
Loss, 5-4. Oof. We’ve dropped two straight… back to reality – we did battle though, and, in the end, gave another solid account of ourselves. Leake struggled again - 4.2 innings, 12 hits, 5 earned, with only 3 Ks – but the offense managed to put something snappy together with Bob Clark, Odubel Herrera, and Jon Berti all driving at least one run in. On the flip – the Angels were equal or better than our squad at each turn, got doubles from Ohtani, Goodwin, and Rendon, and ultimately, were able to answer each of our runs with one or more of their own. Two more steals for Mallex, which is good, but we left 10 runners stranded when we should have only left 8…


Elsewhere: In a bit of good/fun news for the woeful Charlotte Imperials, Dwayne Knoll went 3 for 3 with a double, a homer, 3 RBIs, 3 runs, and a walk in an 8-7 loss against the New York Mets… even in the loss, the Imperials fans, starved for something to feel good about, have to enjoy a performance like this one.

Recap: So, this wasn’t or best work, or maybe it was – hard to say really. We are who we showed ourselves to be in this set – a hard-scrabble team that tries to overcome its skill gap with hustle and dogged determination. On the bright side, we fought hard and never gave up trying to get a win, even when that was clearly out of reach – if nothing else our hometown fans can appreciate a good, hard-working underdog who might not always come up smelling roses but keeps digging for them anyways.

Record: 15-24, .385, 7th AL West

Up Next: We’ll lock horns with the Minnesota Twins, in our park, in what will be our last divisional set for the next 72-games as we embark on our tour through the rest of the league before closing out the 2020 game with a ton of divisional matchups.

[pauwoo]

Minnesota Twins (26-13, .667, 1st AL West) @ Portland Pines (15-24, .385, 7th AL West)
We’ve saved the best for last – facing off with Minnesota to close out the first leg of our division play this year is hardly ideal. They’ve catapulted to the top of the pops, are currently 1 game ahead of the stacked squad representing Houston and boast a lineup that includes the power bat of Nelson Cruz, who has seemingly locked horns with father time and came out the other side looking like he was 10 years younger. Really, when you dig a bit further into their lineup, you’ll find a collection of hitters who, while good, don’t have that x-factor (outside of Cruz) that keeps you up at night… what they do have is balance and a keen understanding of how to properly sequence plate appearances together to manufacture runs that they pair with a lights out pitching staff who look like the class of the American League so far in 2020. Our focus here, if we are to have any chance of collecting a win or two, will be on patience at the plate, aggressive & smart base running, not trying to do more than we are capable of at the plate. That’s a tall order for a club like ours…

40 of 156: Randy Dobnak (4-1, 2.40) @ Adan Kirk (1-0, 4.05)
Loss, 5-1. Nellie made his presence felt with a 3 for 4 day that included a double (the old man’s got some wheels) and a jack, and Randy Dobnak gave the Twins 8.1 innings of filthiness where he allowed on 7 weak hits and one runner to plate while fanning us six times. Adan struggled with his control in going one-to-one on K’s and BB’s with 5 each, respectively, and we managed to record a couple of two-baggers as a unit. Unfortunately, we were unable to take advantage of any of our opportunities and left 6 runners stranded over the course of the game. Oh, before I forget… Minnesota hit for a team cycle today – 2 singles, a double from Cruz, a triple from Buxton, and two jacks (one each for Cruz and Polanco).

41 of 156: Kenta Maeda (5-2, 2.92) @ Emerson Barros (2-1, 4.88)
Loss, 5-2. Kenta put in his 5th quality start of the year, fanned 9 over 6.1 innings of work, and only allowed 3 hits & 2 earned runs… this was partly because he was unhittable at times and partly because we can hit the ball very well. Barros got on the hamster wheel and did what he does – 7.1 innings, 6 hits, 4 runs, and 5 K’s for the newly installed starter… his ERA remains unchanged at a ho-hum 4.88 for the year… and our lineup, back on that impatient kick, could only secure 6 hits, left 7 runners stranded, and were sat down 13 times by Minnesota’s staff. Not our best look in this one – handled at home by a club that is our superior in pretty much every conceivable way.


Elsewhere: Ramon Laureano, of the Oakland Athletics, has now hit safely in 25 straight contests… he went 2 for 4 against the Mariners today to keep the streak alive while his club busied itself by dropping the game to Seattle by a score of 3-2. Laureano is hitting .306 on the year with 3 homers and 13 RBI. Smart money says we get the BNN news alert that his streak is over after our game tomorrow…

42 of 156: Jose Berrios (3-3, 2.70) @ Jeremy Jackson (2-3, 3.51)
Win, 4-3. Jeremy Jackson was dialed in over 6.1 innings and allowed only 4 hits and 3 runs while fanning 12, and the offense was paced by Benny Hill’s solo jack in the 1st and Danny Valencia’s game-winning 3-run jack in the bottom of the 3rd. We were still impatient at the plate tonight (10 Ks) but managed to score just enough runs to eke this one out for the hometown faithful. Some solid baserunning in this one too – 5 total steals with two of those being swiped by Mallex Smith who brought his season total up to 24 on the year. Also of note… those 12 Ks JJ charged to Minnesota’s account amount to a new single-game team record.


Extra, extra… read all about it: Called it. Laureno's streak has ended. And yes, I attached the profile picture twice. And yes, I did a preview of this post and agree, whole-heartily, that it looks kind of weird.

Recap: Not our finest work, to be sure, but this is what is to be expected when we face off with one of the premier clubs in Major League Baseball – actually, that’s not true, that we got the one win is something of a nice surprise. We really had no business even getting the one – but, once again, our club was able to prove that a never-quit attitude and superior hustle can sometimes yield some unexpected results.

Record: 16-26, .381, 7th AL West… at least we’re not in last place!

Up Next: We’ll head east to make our annual trip around the block, starting with the AL East in a 3-game series against the formidable Yankees of New York. It should do wonders for our already fragile confidence.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (16-26, .381, 7th AL West) @ New York Yankees (19-23, .452, 5th AL East)
When scouting New York, it’s more about what they are capable of than it is about what they’ve done so far in 2020. Considered by many to be one of the top two teams of the AL East, their play on the field has not supported that designation – until recently that is. After a dreadful 11-15 April, the Yankees have started to come around a little bit as a unit and their trouble spot (pitching) is starting to dial it in. After getting swept by the Baltimore Orioles and dropping a set to Boston earlier this month, they won their last two and are finally starting to look a little bit like the club we all thought they’d be. And, as is the theme of our season so far, this new-found desire to win ballgames couldn’t come at a worse time for our club – as our first foray into a division outside our own meeting the Yankees in New York is a less than desirable introduction to the AL East. Their lineup is fierce, more than capable of giving staff fits, with some big bats throughout the order and they’ve been much better at home than on the road. This is all a recipe for disaster – a proficient, and at times mind-blowing, lineup paired with a staff that is starting to come around, in their park, where they are a completely different, more formidable club, than on the road spells doom for a club like ours that is forced to make its living on non-stop hustle and a lucky bounce or three.

43 of 156: Mike Leake (1-4, 5.63) @ Jonathan Loaisiga (0-4, 6.81)
Win, 4-3. Benny Hill brought his lunch pail to the game tonight, kept his hands up, chin tucked, and came through in a big way for the club tonight with two, 2-run singles that accounted for every single one of our runs while Mike Leake, on that see-saw again, was ‘up’ tonight during a gutsy 6.2 inning performance where he only allowed 3 runs despite getting jammed up on the regular. Our baserunning continued to shine with two steals on the night and our defense made an appearance here to help Leake out with three, rally-killing DP’s. We’d survive Aaron Judge’s two doubles, put one on Stanton’s thigh for crowding the plate, and do just enough to force the Yankees to leave 9 runners stranded over the course of the game – this was another good effort from the club who, once again, saw their hustle lead to another satisfactory result.


Elsewhere: Mike Trout, of the Orange County Angels, punched out his 300th career home run during a 3-2 victory over the Chicago White Sox. The milestone came during his 1242nd game as a member of the Angels organization. 22% of this guy’s 1373 career hits left the park…

44 of 156: Xander Graybill (0-1, 4.35) @ James Paxton (0-0, 0.00)
Loss, 7-4. Paxton, making his first appearance of the season, went 5.1 innings, allowed 5 hits, and 3 runs while fanning 5 in a winning performance for the Yankees that was bolstered by a Mike Tauchman 3-run jack in the bottom of the second. And they’d hold on to it from there despite a 3 for 4 day from Mallex Smith and Odubel’s 5th homer of the year as Graybill struggled mightily against their might lineup, giving up 5 runs before the 3rd inning – including two homers. He, obviously, wasn’t sent back out there for the 3rd, and while the bullpen did a serviceable job in damage control mode, we never could quite get our bearings in this one after getting our bell rung so early in the game. We still have a shot at winning the series tomorrow… of course, getting beat so thoroughly in this one will undoubtedly play tricks on us and the confidence we’ve been building here of late.


Elsewhere: The big bats came out in spades for some of the American League clubs around the league today… Joey Gallo, of the Texas Rangers, sent two over the fence and scored three times during his clubs 7-4 win over the Blue Jays, while Alex Bregman, of the much reviled Houston Astros, hit a GRAND SLAM during his clubs 15-2 dressing down of the Baltimore Orioles. Overall today, the American League clubs went 4-4 against those from the AL East in our battle to find out which division reigns supreme.

45 of 156: Adan Kirk (1-1, 4.26) @ JA Happ (2-2, 4.80)
Loss, 8-6. Again, we battled here, but a 6-run bottom of the 3rd was too deep a hole to climb out of despite hitting two doubles (Bob Clark & Carlos Garay) and two homeruns (Odubel and Tito Escobar). In the end the culprits here were our pitching – Adan gave up 6 runs & 2 jacks and didn’t make it through the 3rd frame – and our inability to bring our runners home (we left 12 stranded today). Giancarlo Stanton did most of the damage - 2 for 4 with a home run and a double, while scoring 2 runs and driving in 4 for the Yankees – while our club had trouble stringing anything of note together as New York countered every attempt at a rally by our club with runs of their own. Unfortunately, this is the only time we’ll see New York this season so, while I really wanted to get a series win over the Bronx Bombers, we’ll have to try again next season – hopefully they’ll come to Portland in 2021.


Elsewhere: Pittsburgh’s Adam Frazier hit for the cycle against the San Francisco Giants but saw his efforts wasted as the Pirates lost the game by a score of 6-5… He did hit his homer off RP Nick Vincent, who, while in Seattle back in 2018, used to give me fits every time he was on the mound… he gave up 7 homers that season and I swear that every single one of them came during a game that I attended in person – so, that’s nice – way to dredge up memories that I’d rather forget OOTP.

Recap: Okay, look, let’s be realistic – dropping a set to the Yankees for a club of our composition is to be expected. They are better than we are in every conceivable way… better uniforms, better players, prettier girlfriends, more fans… the list goes on & on. But we had our chances and blew them at every turn. Sure, the hustle was there and the dogged determination our fans have come to know & love was too – unfortunately, even in giving it the old college try, the talent gap was far too wide and far too deep for us to overcome despite the fact that the Yankees are likely not even firing on all cylinders yet. It’s honestly difficult to even feel bad about it – this is what is supposed to happen to a club like ours when we square off against a club like theirs. Is normal. Move along… nothing to see here.

Record: 17-28, .378, 7th AL West

Up Next: We’ll be in Detroit Rock City losing our minds against the Tigers in a series that we might have a shot at taking off them – I mean, why not, they’re almost as bad as we are.

[pauwoo]

Portland Pines (17-28, .378, 7th AL West) @ Detroit Tigers (14-31, .311, 8th AL East)
The Detroit Tigers are 16 games off the pace set by the Tampa Bay Rays, which, if you’re counting is the second-largest hole a club has dug for itself so far this season with only the Charlotte Imperials making their living all the way down in the 7th circle of hell at 24 games behind the Atlanta Braves in the NL East. By contrast, we, like our role models in Baltimore, are only 11 games off the pace – so, based on some rudimentary calculations I just did on my trusty Casio calculator watch, we should win each one of these next three games going away. In fact, based on those same calculations, that we are even bothering to play these ones out is just a formality because the Detroit Tigers, who should be resigned to their fate by now, are just too damned prideful to forfeit the games. It’s almost as if they actually think they can win, that in some version of this universe they are the better team…. Oh, forget it, who am I fooling – these will be competitive games, we’ll be lucky to wrestle two of them out of the Tigers grasp, and, as ever, we will have our work more than cut out for us here. Also, your boy, Niko Goodrum, plays for them – so, if nothing else, I’ll at least get a kick out of hearing his name called out over the P.A.

46 of 156: Emerson Barros (2-2, 4.88) @ Matthew Boyd (3-4, 4.06)
Loss, 10-7. Imagine, if you will, that you have the golden ticket – front row seats to see a triple bill featuring Funkadelic, the Stooges, and MC5 – but, when you show up, the group that comes out to play is DeBarge. Now, listen, I’m not trying to put disrespect on DeBarge’s name, but I know a little something about Funkadelic, and they are no Funkadelic. That sums up how I felt about this game – when we arrived, I had us installed in my mind as the favorite – the rocking-est, most dangerous group of ne'er-do-well’s to step on any stage in Detroit since Iggy wanted to be your dog and the MC5 just wanted to kick out the jams… instead, it was 3 hours and 48 minutes of the Tigers blasting Rhythm of the Night in our face as they mopped up the field with our sorry excuse for a baseball team. Odubel liked it though – he went 4 for 4 with a 2-run, 2-bagger, and danced around the field like tonight would be a night he’d never forget.

47 of 156: Jeremy Jackson (3-3, 3.59) @ Daniel Norris (0-5, 7.86)
Win, 8-2. Now, this was more like it – we shot out of a cannon like Evel Knievel, poured on all eight of our runs during the first three frames, jumped a Vespa Scooter through a ring of fire, and barely cleared a 90ft box filled with rattlesnakes to get the much-needed W. Jeremy Jackson gave us 7 rock-solid innings of work, only allowed four hits, and a run, and Danny Valencia, part-time clubhouse cancer & part-time serviceable ballplayer, went 2 for 5 with a 3-run homer and 2 runs of his own. Even Warren Kwan, who’s currently batting .155 for the year, got in on the action with a 2-run double in the bottom of the 2nd that put us ahead by 6… that’s how you know we’re rolling, because when Warren Kwan contributes, well, then all bets are off.


Elsewhere: Noah Syndergaard, out of Valhalla, twirled a complete-game, 3-hit shutout for the New York Mets in a 2-0 victory over the San Diego Padres. During the game, he held Machado hitless, fanned Hosmer twice, and handed out a shiny new GOLDEN SOMBRERO to Fernando Tatis Jr. Okay, I made that last one up – no one K’s Fernando 4 times in a game, not even Thor… he did hold him hitless though. Actually, he held most of them hitless. Obviously.

48 of 156: Mike Leake (2-4, 5.26) @ Tyler Alexander (1-6, 7.58)
Win, 6-5. Back in the day, there was a rollercoaster called the Big Bad Wolf at a place called Busch Gardens. It was in the Oktoberfest section – a fact my father definitely appreciated, because… beer, and was a suspended coaster where you were hanging under the track. It was a mean one too – filled with bump ups and downs, loop de loops, and impossibly steep drops. I bring it up because the feeling I got riding that monstrosity as a young lad reminds me of how I feel about employing Mike Leake – you just don’t know what part of the ride you’ll be on when he takes the mound. This time we were on the way up – he gave us 7 innings of funky off-speed stuff, let the bad guys pepper in 7 hits, and only allowed 4 runners to find their way home… and, while not otherworldly, it got the job done. Benny Hill hit his 5th ball out of the park and Bob Clark, who I really wish would let me call him Bobby, went 4 for 5 with a double and two runs. We came back from a five-run deficit to get the win in this one – which, if memory serves, is, maybe, the second time we’ve done that. Not sure, too lazy to check.


Elsewhere: I hate to do it, but I have to… Jose Altuve, of the much-maligned Houston Cosmonauts, went 4 for 4 with 3 long balls, 4 RBI, and 4 runs during a 12-5 win over the Toronto Blue Jays. I have it on good authority that he did it without the aid of some hair-brained sign-stealing scheme involving trash cans and electronic equipment taped to his chest. Like that’d work anyway. Also, he’s batting .238 so far in 2020, which seems about right all things considered.

Recap: Feels weird to say, but we did what we were supposed to do here. Detroit is a floundering club that refuses to spend money on winning. We are a floundering club that is willing to spend a little (next year) and who tries really, really hard. When you put that together – the team that tries harder wins. That’s us. Case closed. So long and thanks for all the shoes, Tigers fans!

Record: 19-29, .396, 7th AL West

Up Next: It’ll be all doom & gloom in Bahstahn as we roll into Massachusetts to do battle against the 31-17 tea-drinkin’, penny-pinchin’, tax evaders also known as the Red Sox. Also, I’d like it to go on record that, for the duration of this series, I will prefer a good ol’ deep south Alabama accent to the one we’ll hear sprinkled in amongst the chorus of boos sent out, with love, by their fans as we take the field.