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Old 03-25-2019, 05:13 PM   #2773
Westheim
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All Star Game

The Federal League beats the Continental League, 5-2, in Washington, with hometown player Dave Menth being named MVP with a 2-run home run off John McInerney in a 1-for-3 performance. No player manages two base hits in the contest, and the Continental League manages only two in total, solo homers by Shane Sanks and Andrew Showalter.

Of the three Raccoons nominated and able to play, none is a starting lineup assignment. Tim Stalker pinch-hits, but makes an out, and Josh Boles gets tagged for two runs in two thirds of an inning. Ricky Ohl does not play at all.

Raccoons (47-42) vs. Canadiens (47-43) – July 12-15, 2029

…and round two on the cross-border pests. The season series stood 5-3 in the damn Elks’ favor after the most recent traumatic dismantling of the Raccoons north of the 49th parallel. The Elks were also hot, having won six of their last seven games before the All Star Game, and did not look like they would stop hoofing now. They were third in runs scored, seventh in runs allowed, and the Coons were in trouble against any opponent at this point.

Projected matchups:
Mark Roberts (9-6, 3.38 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (5-7, 3.42 ERA)
Dan Delgadillo (9-6, 4.21 ERA) vs. Victor Govea (2-4, 3.52 ERA)
Jamie O’Leary (0-2, 3.09 ERA) vs. Leon Hernandez (4-4, 3.76 ERA)
Rin Nomura (3-6, 3.94 ERA) vs. Estevan Delgado (7-5, 4.89 ERA)

I am not kidding with that remark about how any opponent could douse the Critters right now. Some of our guys played some catch with students from the Willamette Institute for the Limbless and the Blind during the All Star Break, with select media invited (somebody from the Agitator snuck in anyway), and some of those kids gave the Coons hell. I don’t know how, but Mark Roberts gave up a home run to a boy in seventh grade with only one leg and one arm. That ball is still rolling up Mount Hood as we speak…

Game 1
VAN: CF Tessmann – RF N. Day – LF A. Torres – 1B D. Fisher – SS Byrd – 3B Anton – C F. Garcia – 2B Gura – P J. Martin
POR: SS Stalker – 3B Nunley – LF Jamieson – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – RF Gomez – C Tovias – 2B Baldwin – P Roberts

Roberts’ very first pitch thrown in anger this week hit Danny Tessmann, who stole second and came around on a groundout and a sac fly by Alex Torres, so that was a nice start to the post-All Star Game part of the season! Not that this meant we were in the *post*-traumatic stress disorder part of the year; no, no! The terror was still live and raging. In this case, the Coons stunk their first time through the lineup, and Roberts got lit up in the fourth with a 1-out triple by David Fisher, then a pop by John Byrd that gave Roberts a perfectly good 2-out chance to escape against Matt Anton, but Anton, Fernando Garcia, and the ****stain of the world, Ted Gura, all hit singles, driving in two runs in the inning. Matt Nunley had the Coons’ first two base hits, both singles, never got off first base, and once was doubled up by Harenberg, while by the fifth inning Roberts had hit Tessmann leading off … twice. Joe Martin walked Roberts in the sixth, Harenberg in the seventh, and those two did not reach second base, either. Roberts got knocked out in the eighth after a Byrd single, his own error that put Anton on base, then a walk to Garcia. Three on, one out, Kevin Surginer allowed an RBI single to the world’s tallest cockroach, Ted Gura, and another run scored when Stalker and Baldwin could not turn a double play on Luke Gross. Down by five, the miserable Raccoons actually reached scoring position with leadoff doubles by Baldwin in the eighth and Jamieson in the ninth, and even got those runs in. Meaningless runs. In between, Brotman gave up back-to-back bombs to Torres and Fisher in the top of the ninth. 7-2 Canadiens. Nunley 2-4; Rodriguez (PH) 1-1;

I would shrug now, but I have no energy for it.

Best news yet, Nick Valdes would be in town for the weekend and expected nothing less but a complete turnaround and three wins.

Game 2
VAN: SS Byrd – 3B Anton – RF Wojnarowski – 1B D. Fisher – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – CF N. Day – 2B Gura – P Govea
POR: SS Stalker – 3B Nunley – LF Jamieson – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – RF Gomez – C Tovias – 2B Baldwin – P Delgadillo

Brian Wojnarowski homered in his first at-bat back in the lineup, a solo shot at least. Another solo home run was hit in the second inning by the wart on a weasel’s bum hole, Ted Gura, putting the Elks up 2-0. Valdes wondered out loud where our dingers where. On the DL, I quipped, and then we didn’t talk for the rest of the game…

The Elks’ bats did talking for all of us, though. Top 3rd, John Byrd reached on a ****ty throwing error by Tim Stalker, Matt Anton singled, and Wojnarowski emptied another game of any purpose with a booming 3-piece to deep right. Those were the last runs off Delgadillo, who managed to last six innings despite being roundly and superbly ****, with the crowning achievement of walking the opposing pitcher with the bases empty and two outs in the sixth inning also meticulously attained in masterful manner. At that point, the Raccoons had three base hits off Govea, no runs, and were surely forsaken. When the bottom 6th saw a Stalker out followed by Nunley doubling, Jamieson singling, and Harenberg walking, it never once crossed by mind that with three on and one down they might rally; they had just chosen to be much more bitterly forsaken. Abel Mora grounded a 2-1 pitch to the world’s yellowest ***stain, Ted Gura, but the stinking Elks couldn’t quite turn two on the play, conceding a consolation run to the Raccoons, who then had the astonishingly purposeless Rafael Gomez ground out to David Fisher to strand runners on the corners in a 5-1 game.

The game entered the record books when Brian Wojnarowski, who had walked in his third attempt against Delgadillo, hit a 1-2 pitch by Mauricio Garavito over the fence in the seventh inning, which was his third bomb on the day. Wilson Rodriguez hit a pinch-hit homer off Govea in the bottom 7th, which also meant that the Raccoons now had a new starting rightfielder, because if you have a huge cauldron of oozing, bubbling calamity, it is important to keep stirring it. Also an idiot, but not likely benchable yet: Kevin Harenberg, who hit a 2-out double off Andy Purdy in the bottom 8th, then was slapped down in a rundown between second and third like a bloody high school freshman. Amazingly enough the Raccoons would score four runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to make up their 6-2 deficit… except that it was not a 6-2 deficit anymore by then; Stonecipher and Surginer had been slammed for three runs in the top of the ninth, and the Coons lost by that margin. Despite 2-out run-scoring doubles by Stalker and Nunley. Jamieson grounded out on a 3-1 pitch with the tying run, Harenberg, in the on-deck circle. 9-6 Canadiens. Nunley 3-5, 3 2B, RBI; Harenberg 2-3, BB, 2B; Baldwin 2-4, RBI; Rodriguez (PH) 1-1, HR, RBI;

Game 3
VAN: CF Tessmann – 3B Anton – RF Wojnarowski – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – SS Byrd – 1B N. Day – 2B Gura – P L. Hernandez
POR: 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – LF Jamieson – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – RF Rodriguez – C Ivey – SS Gerster – P O’Leary

The ****ing Elks hit a dinger before they made an out, with Tessmann’s single and Matt Anton’s shot to center putting them up 2-0 on the bloody rookie O’Leary, who allowed another walk and two hits for another run in the inning. Norman Day hit a 2-out RBI double that scored Torres, with Garcia thrown out at the plate by Abel Mora. The useless scumbag O’Leary was out of the game before his turn to bat came up, bludgeoned to death with five (…) straight singles to begin the third inning, while the brown-clad miscarriages were sat down in order by Hernandez in the first two innings. Jonathan Fleischer inherited a purge in progress, 5-0 with three on and nobody out, and the human pest virus, Ted Gura, at the plate. Fleischer surrendered an RBI single on his very first pitch, the sixth hit in a row to begin this genocide of an inning. He somehow struck out Hernandez in a full count, then yielded a 2-run single to Tessmann past the diving (falling over?) Harenberg, threw a wild pitch, and allowed tow more on Anton’s single to left, the eighth single of the inning, and that one also made it 10-0.

At that point, Valdes broke the seering silence, barking that they were playing none too well. WELL YEAH THAT IS SOMETHING WE CAN ****ING AGREE ON.

Fleischer kept it a cool 10-0 through three, and Hernandez sat down ten Raccoons before one reached, and it was Nunley again with a single to right in the fourth. He was stranded on first base. That was already about as close as the Coons would get to scoring in this game. The Elks shifted a few gears back after the early demolition and coasted to score two runs in the seventh against Trevor Draper, the useless scum, as he walked four in three inning of work. Hernandez pitched a 5-hit shutout on 99 pitches. 12-0 Canadiens. Brotman 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

With that, the Raccoons banished Trevor Draper (4.66 ERA) back to St. Petersburg. He had walked 27 batters in 46.1 innings in the majors, an outright gutting performance that should be rewarded with semi-surgical removal of his left arm. The Coons didn’t need another starter until the following weekend thanks to an off day on Monday and so called up Jeremy Moesker to maybe eat some garbage innings. Moesker had pitched to a 5.59 ERA with the Coons earlier in the season.

Game 4
VAN: CF Tessmann – 3B Anton – RF Wojnarowski – LF A. Torres – 1B D. Fisher – C F. Garcia – SS Byrd – 2B Gura – P E. Delgado
POR: SS Stalker – 3B Nunley – LF Jamieson – 1B Harenberg – RF Rodriguez – 2B Baldwin – CF Magallanes – C Tovias – P Nomura

While owner Nick Valdes went through all the other teams’ media guides to find a player with a winner’s moustache to trade for, Slappy and I embraced the booze even when Rin Nomura weathered the first inning storm of a walk to Anton and a Rodriguez error that put runners in scoring position and got David Fisher to pop out for a scoreless first. Boy, are we winners! (clanks bottles with Slappy) The bottom 1st saw straight singles by the top three to load the bases before Harenberg sure-handedly popped out. Rodriguez dropped a ball into shallow center for an RBI single, and Baldwin’s grounder beat the reach of the scourge of man, Ted Gura, for a 2-run single. Pathetic outs by Magallanes and Tovias left the remaining runners in scoring position, but with Nomura on the mound that was probably for the better. The more huge the lead, the more suck Nomura…

All was well through three with no hits for Elktown, but the Coons added three run to their tally… well, actually Delgado added three runs to the Coons’ tally… They had two hits in the bottom 3rd, but he also hit two batters and threw a wild pitch, without which the Coons probably would not have scored at all… All was well through four innings, and the Elks still had no hits, but Nomura was losing command and his pitch count skyrocketed. Walking John Byrd to begin the fifth didn’t help, but at least when he hit the Vancouver children eater, Ted Gura, he nailed him so good the Elks had to remove him from the game. Luke Gross replaced. HA!! **** YOU, GURA!! **** YOU!! PH Tim Campbell hit into a double play, but Nomura instead balked in Byrd from third base, giving the Elks a run out of thin air. The Coons answered with two against horrendous Luis Vasquez (9+ ERA) on a Stalker sac fly and a 2-out single by Nunley after Magallanes and Tovias had reached base. The damn Elks go their first base knock on Nomura’s 88th pitch, a leadoff double in the top 6th by Matt Anton. Nomura only ran three-ball counts from there, got two grounders, but also walked two batters, and Anton scored in the course of that mess. Ricky Ohl replaced the idiot Nomura, who had managed to turn eight runs of support into a muck with five walks and two hit batters, nailed Byrd, then gave up a 2-out slam to Luke Gross. It was now an 8-6 ballgame, and the ****ING ELKS had scored their six ****ing runs on TWO ****ing hits.

Stalker drove in an insurance run with two outs in the seventh, but the Coons still invited the Elks to have the tying run at the plate in the eighth. Garavito allowed a single to Garcia with two down in the inning, at which point we went to Boles for a 4-out save in the 9-6 game. Boles promptly gave up a sharp single to Byrd, bringing up slamming Luke Gross, who this time went down swinging. Boles did his usual two out, two on trick in the ninth, retiring Ricky Ortíz and Danny Tessmann before conceding singles to Anton and Wojnarowski. Alex Torres went down swinging to end the series from hell. 9-6 Coons. Stalker 2-4, 2 RBI; Nunley 4-5, BB; Jamieson 3-5, 3B; Magallanes 2-3, BB, RBI;

In other news

July 10 – The Rebels trade SP Todd Wood (6-7, 4.86 ERA) to the Warriors for unranked but interesting prospect 3B Jeff Weir and a minor leaguer.
July 13 – In another dismantling move, the Rebels trade CL Seth Odum (1-5, 3.68 ERA, 20 SV) to the Capitals for two prospects.
July 15 – SFB SP Ben Lipsky (9-6, 2.37 ERA) no-hits the Aces in a 10-0 Bayhawks rout, allowing only three walks against five strikeouts. It is the sixth Bayhawks no-hitter ever and the second no-hitter against the Aces in three years (TIJ George Griffin, 2027).
July 15 – The Capitals unspool the Rebels in an 18-3 rout, including an 11-run seventh inning. Four different Capitals players land three base hits, and C David Lessman (.292, 6 HR, 40 RBI) leads the team effort with 4 RBI.

Complaints and stuff

(sits in a dark office and does not say anything for a long time)

Saturday night I visited Max, who ran the minor league team in Portland before the Raccoons and the ABL rolled in. Max is older than dirt and has been around baseball for as long as it has been played. Max knows the ins and outs of winning and losing. Max has seen it all. Max’ll fix it. And for this purpose I brought him to the ballpark, so we could look at the team together and decided where to go. So, please welcome Max, everybody.

(produces a plate with a dirty skull on it; a few of the teeth are missing; inside the skull, a short black candle is flickering wildly)

And here… (shows a piece of paper to the skull) …are the suckers’ stats, Max. So what do you say we do now?

(the candle dramatically extinguishes)

Fun Fact: Six times this decade has an opposing player hit three home runs in one game against the spineless Raccoons. Three of them were Elks.

Needless to say that no other team in ABL history has gotten even remotely close to getting that regularly record-book-worthy rumped than the Raccoons.
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Portland Raccoons, 83 years of excell-.... of baseball: Furballs here!
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