[Westheim]

Raccoons (20-28) vs. Falcons (17-33) – June 2-4, 2031

Two hopeless teams would meet in Portland by Monday. The Falcons, who were up 2-1 on the Raccoons this season, had the worst team batting average in the CL at .225, and were scoring just 3.5 runs per game. They were also in the bottom three in runs allowed, although they did have a crisp bullpen. Yet, just like the Critters’ own relief corps, that bullpen mostly only served to keep losing games close enough for prolonged disappointment and increased agony…

Projected matchups:
Rico Gutierrez (2-5, 5.51 ERA) vs. Aaron Lewis (4-4, 2.58 ERA)
Mark Roberts (3-3, 4.35 ERA) vs. Nate Ziemke (2-7, 4.54 ERA)
Ed Hague (3-2, 4.91 ERA) vs. Jim Tierney (3-4, 4.72 ERA)

We expected three right-handers here, although Tierney was also laboring on a mild oblique strain that had nevertheless limited him to 11 pitches in his previous start. It was unknown whether he would be able to go on Wednesday.

In town without a doubt was however our dear owner, Nick Valdes, and this time he had company with him, a female “companion” that was about half his age. He introduced her to me as Ms. Tootsie DeVilane, industrial heiress and soul mate, and maybe she could talk her richer-than-God father into sponsoring some of our outfield walls. Oh, and her dearest friends had permission to call her “Toots”. He then turned to ask her whether she considered me worthy of calling her “Toots”, but I quickly interceded and declared that I would rather address her as “Ms. DeVilane”.

Game 1
CHA: CF N. Nelson – 2B Cano – LF Salto – RF Kok – 3B G. Ortiz – C M. Cooper – 1B J. Elliott – SS Eisenberg – P A. Lewis
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 2B Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – CF Catella – P Gutierrez

The endless well of good vibes that was Rico Gutierrez sprung two second-inning runs for the Falcons that were borderline dumb, as usual, with Hereford blatantly missing a Matt Cooper roller with two outs for a single, John Elliott hitting an RBI double, and when we let Rico face the .144 menace that was Frank Eisenberg, the shortstop smacked one up the middle for an RBI single. He made it all the way to third, reaching second on the throw home by Catella, and then third base on a wild pitch that Gutierrez threw to his opponent, who ended up rolling out to Ramos. Toots – I mean, Ms. DeVilane was also disappointment that we didn’t hand out hors d’oeuvres to our very important guests. Apparently see didn’t see the bowls of chocolates and cookies distributed all over the place. Lady, if you wanna make it through the day with this team, you gotta go by volume! (unscrews another bottle of Capt’n Coma)

Portland had a little counter going in the bottom of the second, where Catella found Howden and Tovias (who had forced Nunley on a fielder’s choice) on the corners with one out and clipped a single just past Ricky Cano to get the first Coons run across. Rico Gutierrez bunted the runners into scoring position, and then Ramos stopped struggling for a second and hit a clean single to right that flipped the score. He even took second by hindpaw power, but was stranded when Matt Jamieson grounded out. Upsettingly, the lead didn’t last even one inning, with Graciano Salto hitting a no-doubt equalizer off Gutierrez right in the top of the third… The fifth inning would be Gutierrez’ last in the game. He retired Lewis on a nasty fly to left to start the frame, and never sat down a batter again. Nate Nelson with a single and Cano and Salto with a pair of walks loaded the bags, and Barend Kok’s RBI single and Greg Ortiz’ 2-run single gave the Falcons a sizable lead. Fleischer replaced the utterly useless starter, walked Matt Cooper on four pitches, then surrendered Gutierrez’ runs on a John Elliott single, closing his line at 4.1 innings and a mere eight runs. Eisenberg popped out, but Lewis even hit a 2-out single to load the bases. Jamieson caught a Nelson fly in the gap to end the meltdown inning, with the Raccoons assumed irretrievably behind, 8-3. In a twist, Aaron Lewis would not earn the win – he put Ramos on with a leadoff single in the bottom 5th, Jamieson reached on an error, and Jimmy Wallace mashed a 3-piece to get the Coons back to 8-6, leading the Falcons to cull their guy and instead parade the bullpen into the box score. But that didn’t mean the Falcons wouldn’t get the win. The pen immediately was effective and the Raccoons struggled to get a paw on base, while Nick Derks served up a solo homer to Ortiz in the seventh, stretching the score to 9-6. Come the bottom 9th, the Falcons would have right-hander Josh Pillsbury in the game to face the 2-3-4 batters. Jamieson opened with a single to center, which was that false hope narrative being spun again. Wallace grounded out, advancing the runner into second, from where he scored when Nate Nelson couldn’t get back quick enough for Hereford’s long fly to center that ended up an RBI double, 9-7. Nelson did catch Howden’s fly to center, though, which made Matt Nunley the Critters’ last hope. He grounded out to Eisenberg. 9-7 Falcons. Ramos 2-5, 2 RBI; Wallace 2-5, HR, 3 RBI; Catella 2-2, 2 BB, RBI;

Looking for something, anything positive, at least they wiggled as the Falcons removed their kidneys. Also, Ricky Ohl looked sharp for the first time all year, whiffing two in a meaningless top of the ninth.

I was not quite done yet burrowing my paws into a cookie jar after the game, though, when word reached me of commotion in the clubhouse. Apparently Tootsie had parked herself in the locker room and had personally tried to inspect the players as they came out of the showers, commending at least one unassuming rookie on his striped tail.

I *could* deal with that personally… but first l-lemme see wh-what the Capt’n has to s-say…

Game 2
CHA: CF N. Nelson – 2B Cano – LF Salto – RF Kok – 3B G. Ortiz – C M. Cooper – 1B J. Elliott – SS Eisenberg – P Ziemke
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 2B Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – CF Vanatti – P Roberts

Valdes informed me personally before the middle game that Toots’ father, Mr. Roger Hotchkiss “Bud” DeVilane II, would obviously only sponsor a *winner*. I casually asked him whether he owned any other teams that might qualify under these circumstances. The mood in my office was henceforth frosty, and the ice could not even be broken when Slappy offered Toots to drink from his bottle.

The Coons scored first, bringing Tovias up with Howden and Nunley on the corners after a pair of base hits to begin the bottom 2nd, and Tovias got the run home without making two outs, grounding out to Ricky Cano. That was all for the inning, but Ramos and Wallace hit singles in the third and were cashed on a 3-run homer by Rich Hereford, who thus beat Wallace to be the first Critter into double digits this year. We would get a fifth run in the bottom 4th, Tovias being brought in on a sac fly by Mark Roberts after he had smacked a leadoff double into the leftfield corner, but that was by far the best mark Roberts left on the game. His pitching was uninspired, and he was easily hittable. The Falcons got a run on three hits, singled home by Barend Kok, in the fourth, and in the fifth had the bases loaded with no outs as Roberts walked Eisenberg, gave up a hit that PH Ron Raynor raked, and nailed Nate Nelson. Tootsie ominously remarked that the tying run was at the plate and why did the Raccoons bother with a pitcher routinely leading the league in home runs allowed? Valdes sweated some bull**** explanation that this was only building tension to keep the fans engaged, which was impressive as a lie, but she obviously knew better and chances were that Roberts wouldn’t make it through the 2-3-4 batter unharmed. Ricky Cano hammered the first pitch he saw to deep left, Jamieson back, back, back, back, back – caught on the warning track. Eisenberg scored, Raynor moved up, and I tried to show kindness by explaining that the Raccoons were now indeed only a double play away from getting out of the inning while Roberts was winding up to offer the 1-1 to the leftfielder. Graciano Salto hit the ball almost 400 feet, and the game was tied at five.

With tensions thus heightened entirely unexpectedly, the Druid walked in and presented the 190th extension on Slappy’s medical deferment from actually doing any work around here on account of “weak ankles”. Tootsie spun around, upset at the interruption, and her long ravenous black hair slapped into Valdes’ face. Her and Mena’s eyes met and they locked in a deep stare, which I observed with utmost curiosity while holding on to dear life and the neck of my bottle of Capt’n Coma. After at least 20 seconds, the Druid began to shiver, sweat, and shake, eventually managed to extend one arm and pointed at her before painfully crying out “Ella es un diabla!”. He staggered out of the room backwards, never letting his eyes off her, while she never moved as much as her eyelids. So! Valdes, say – at which dark carnival did you pick her up again? – And, by the way, Roberts just gave up a dinger to Greg Ortiz.

The Coons pushed Roberts through six, after which the grounds crew scraped his remains off the leftfield fence of doom, but they did miss an eye, two stripes, and a few whiskers, that would remain disturbing reminders of another hideous meltdown for the rest of the game. The Critters almost got a game-tying homer from Matt Jamieson in the bottom 7th then, but his fly to deep right hit the fence about six inches below the top of the wall, and he had to settle for a double, which he barely got since he pulled up lame halfway between first and second and required removal for a pinch-runner, Tim Stalker (with Hereford shifting to leftfield). Wallace singled, moving Stalker to third, and he would score on Hereford’s sac fly, thus tying the game at six. Garavito held the Falcons at bay in the eighth and the ninth would be Josh Boles’. He immediately continued his terrible season, walking the .151 schmuck Eisenberg to begin the inning. A grounder and a wild pitch had Eisenberg at third base with two outs, with Ricky Cano coaxing another walk in a full count before Salto belted another 3-piece to break the tie. That one to left, far away from Roberts’ eye and whiskers. Tony Rivas walked Ramos to begin the bottom 9th, but Stalker smacked into a double play and this one quickly turned into a definitive loss. 9-6 Falcons. Ramos 2-4, BB; Jamieson 2-4, 2B; Wallace 2-5; Hereford 1-2, BB, HR, 4 RBI;

Matt Jamieson had a sore knee, which I hear is nothing special for people his age. He was out for the rest of the week, but should be good to go early next week. He was thus not disabled. Also unable to go was Jim Tierney. Right-hander Brian Bowsman (3-5, 4.52 ERA) would make the start on short rest.

Game 3
CHA: CF N. Nelson – 2B Cano – LF Salto – RF Kok – 3B G. Ortiz – C M. Cooper – 1B Amundson – SS Eisenberg – P Bowsman
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – CF Vanatti – P Hague

Wallace got the RBI with a single as the Coons took a 1-0 lead in the first inning on a Ramos Special: walk, stolen base, scurrying home faster than the defense could sneeze the ball in his general direction. After the lead survived a 2-base throwing error by Tim Stalker to begin the top 2nd – Hague got two pop outs and whiffed Bowsman after walking Eisenberg non-intentionally, the Coons loaded the bases with no outs in the bottom 2nd, bringing up Ed Hague, who singled sharply through the gap between Cano and Erik Amundson to plate Nunley. Ramos clubbed a clean RBI single to center, 3-0, Stalker whiffed, but Wallace also poked a single to center, plating Vanatti to get to 4-0. Hereford hit a comebacker that was turned into an out at home, but not more, and Bowsman balked in a run after that when he already had Howden at 1-2. The at-bat continued; the next pitch was powered to right-center by Howden and OUTTA HERE!! 8-0 in the second! Bowsman walked Nunley, then was yanked for Norman McAleer, who ended the inning, but also meaning that the Falcons’ three starters logged no outs in the fifth inning in the series, and only 9.2 innings in total.

So what could undo Ed Hague now, besides his own ineptitude and memories of glory past? A rain delay would be an option. It had drizzled earlier in the game, but we got a real shower in the fourth inning of the 8-0 contest that delayed the game for almost 30 minutes, during which Tootsie explained to Valdes in detail why wearing fur was wrong, even if he made millions from producing fur coats every quarter. The game was rather calm into the fifth, with the Falcons more or less having accepted their fate. That didn’t mean the Coons couldn’t add a few runs. Nunley singled, Vanatti doubled in the bottom 5th, and with two down Alberto Ramos vacated a McAleer fastball into the batter’s eye for a 3-run homer of his own, 11-0!

Which didn’t make everybody happy. Nick Valdes bemoaned that he had missed his chance to trade the team for a child-labor-employing diamond mine in the depths of the Congo. It wasn’t that he condemned child labor – payroll was payroll, and the less payroll the more profit. But he had expected to get another ring or two out of the Raccoons. Cristiano Carmona unsuspectingly rolled into the office in his wheelchair right at this point, bringing me an important report – he had finished all the scratch-out lottery tickets I had bought in the morning – trying to make enough bucks to buy my own remote island with no cable TV – but I had won nothing. Even the hard-to-faze Slappy raised an eyebrow when Tootsie voiced how cute that meal on wheels was, got up and walked up right next to Cristiano, bending down and without any prior introduction whispering with a raspy voice into his ear that she could do things to him that he had never seen and even if they didn’t make him walk again, they were better than walking anyway. Cristiano didn’t even look at her when he matter-of-factly stated that he was not interested because he would only sleep with guys, then immediately covered his mouth with both hands, eyes wide open. WAIT A MINUTE! I slapped the top of my desk, then looked over to Valdes. – You could have had a diamond mine rather than THIS and didn’t DO it??

In the actual game, there was no reason to remove Ed Hague unless he gave up seven or got significantly over 100 pitches. The former did not happen; he pitched seven scoreless, and only in the eighth Ron Raynor got him for an RBI double. That still left Portland up by double digits. Hague began the ninth on 104 pitches, but got Matt Cooper to ground out on the very first offering of the inning. Amundson grounded out to Sean Catella at second base. And Eisenberg rolled out to short. 11-1 Furballs! Ramos 3-4, BB, HR, 4 RBI; Wallace 3-4, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Nunley 1-2, 3 BB; Tovias 2-3, BB; Hague 9.0 IP, 7 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 3 K, W (4-2) and 1-4, RBI;

Thursday, mercifully, was an off day. Despite everything that had gone on, Valdes and Tootsie stopped by in the morning on their way to the airport to inspect one of his other sweatshops. Apparently, Roger Hotchkiss “Bud” DeVilane II was not entirely averse to sponsor the Raccoons after all; Tootsie handed me a contract proposal for three banners promoting “Kit Whisk”, something none of us had previously heard of. – Say, Ms. DeVilane, what is this… “Kit Whisk”? – Your new brand of what? – I’m sorry, did you just say “kitten juice”? – So is this juice FOR kittens or juice made out of …? – I see. I see.

Valdes instructed me to read the contract carefully. Apparently Bud was known to sneak in a single sentence that would transfer ownership of whatever entity he was to “sponsor” to himself. Then they left, with Maud meeting them in the door, prompting a heinous growl at her from Tootsie. While I dug for the lighter in my desk and wasted no time setting the binder with the contract on fire before dumping it into my waste basket without even looking, I instead let my view wander between Slappy and Maud, and almost teary-eyed stated that they were my favorite people in the world.

Also, what’s that smell? – What do you mean, Maud, you replaced my steel waste basket with one made of wicker? – I think you should get the fire extinguisher, it’s getting warm by my feet.

Raccoons (21-30) vs. Indians (29-25) – June 6-8, 2031

Ultimately, the ballpark didn’t burn to the ground and we could host the Arrowheads on the weekend for three. The Indians also didn’t know how to score runs, but that was usually only a temporary thing until a team invaded Portland. They were in the bottom three in terms of fewest runs on either side of the scoreboard, with a +2 run differential. They had a top notch rotation with a combined ERA of barely over three. And they also had a 4-2 edge in the season series.

Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (1-2, 2.96 ERA) vs. Mark Morrison (3-3, 4.29 ERA)
Dave Martinez (3-3, 3.09 ERA) vs. John McInerney (2-4, 3.66 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (2-6, 6.38 ERA) vs. Sal Bedoya (5-2, 2.13 ERA)

Only southpaw for the week would be McInerney on Saturday.

Game 1
IND: SS Pizano – RF Plunkett – C J. Herrera – CF Baron – 2B Schneller – LF I. Vega – 1B I. Pena – 3B E. Sosa – P M. Morrison
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – CF Catella – P Gurney

The Raccoons did precious little in the early innings; Ramos hit a pair of singles and got no help either time, while the Indians took a 1-0 lead in the third inning on Mario Pizano’s RBI triple that chased home Elias Sosa with his leadoff walk. In the fourth, Dan Schneller singled and Ivan Vega homered to run the tally to 3-0. The bottom of the inning also saw the Coons on the board on a solo homer by Jarod Howden, the dumb pig. With this shot, he tied Tovias for third on the team with four bombs. Gurney could avoid allowing more runs in the fifth and sixth despite having a man on base every time. The Coons had a leadoff single from Tovias in the bottom 5th, but he was forced out by Catella, who was ultimately stranded when Ramos popped out to Pizano. In the bottom 6th, Stalker hit a leadoff single, reached second on Wallace’s groundout, then was waved around to score on Rich Hereford’s single to left-center, but that was also all the Critters got in the inning and they remained behind 3-2. Gurney would hold off the Indians for one last inning, the seventh, despite walking Pizano.

Bottom 7th, Tovias hit another leadoff single, but again was forced out on a Catella grounder to Dan Schneller. Vanatti batted for Gurney and flew to deep right, but had the ball caught by Mike Cowan. Ramos struck out to strand the runner for good. The top 8th saw the bullpen melting; Fleischer allowed singles to Juan Herrera and John Baron, and when Fernandez replaced him, a Greg Regan single loaded the bases with no outs. Vega hit a sac fly, and we went to Ricky Ohl when Edgar Paiz pinch-hit for the left-handed Ivan Pena. Ohl got a fly to center, but surrendered an RBI single to Sosa, again burying the Critters down three. Morrison grounded out to Ramos, then continued to pitch with only 82 tosses on his ledger. He retired Stalker and Wallace to begin the bottom of the inning, then lost Hereford in a full count. Howden came up and this seemed really to be an advantageous matchup for him, because he belted another homer, this time to left. That still left the team one run short. Nunley singled to right, but Tovias struck out before the pen could get involved. It DID get involved in the ninth of a 5-4 game. Catella grounded out against Marcus Owens, who then faced PH Chris Baldwin, since we didn’t have any actual hitters left on the bench… batters yes, hitters nah, I snorted, then was proven wrong when Baldwin whacked a homer to left to tie the score, which stunned more than me. It was his first RBI of the year, too… That would send the game to extra innings, where Josh Boles put two on base in the tenth, but somehow wiggled out. Garavito put two on base in the 11th, but didn’t wiggle out until after Juan Herrera had blasted a 3-piece to left. The Coons had nothing to offer in their defense or offense in the bottom of the inning against Jose Menendez… 8-5 Indians. Ramos 2-5; Howden 2-5, 2 HR, 3 RBI; Tovias 3-5; Baldwin (PH) 1-1, HR, RBI;

Game 2
IND: 2B Schneller – 1B Regan – RF Plunkett – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – LF I. Vega – SS Pizano – 3B E. Sosa – P McInerney
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 1B Howden – C Tovias – CF Baldwin – 3B Rodriguez – P Martinez

The lineup card said Martinez was pitching, and the guy was throwing right-handed, but I was pretty sure it was actually “Launchpad” Roberts, because the balls were flying like crazy off him. The first inning ended with no runs scored, but in the top 2nd the Indians got two doubles into the gap between Wallace and Baldwin in addition to a Herrera leadoff single. Two runs scored in the inning, driven in by Elias Sosa and on a McInerney sac fly. He got a bit better by the middle innings, but on the other hand, the Coons’ offense remained lame. They had four singles through six innings, also two double plays and Ramos getting caught stealing in a hit-and-run where Stalker decidedly didn’t hit.

Martinez was removed after 104 pitches in six and a third, and also after putting McInerney (single) and Schneller (walk) on base in the seventh. Garavito appeared to face Greg Regan, but the Indians countered with Mike Cowan as pinch-hitter. The right-hander hit into a 6-4-3 double play to end the inning, though, and the score remained 2-0. Bottom 7th, McInerney opened by nailing Stalker, then allowed a fly to left to Jimmy Wallace that landed near the leftfield line for a double. The tying runs were in scoring position with nobody out! Hereford grounded out to Sosa, holding the runners, Howden whiffed, and Tovias grounded out to short – nobody scored. Well, except for when John Baron homered off Nick Derks in the eighth, 3-0. Bottom of that inning, the bottom of the order scum, Baldwin and Wilson Rodriguez, came up with a pair of leadoff singles. Nunley batted in the #9 hole, grounded out, but advanced the runners. Ramos hit an RBI single to right, stole second, then scored along with Rodriguez to tie the game on Tim Stalker’s single into shallow center! Hereford would find a 2-out single, but Howden flew out to left, and the game remained tied. Ricky Ohl kept it that way in the top of the ninth inning, allowing only a 2-out single to Ivan Pena. It would be Menendez in the bottom 9th against the 6-7-8 batters, which resulted in a Baldwin single and a Rodriguez 1-6-3 double play grounder to send another game into overtime.

Wise did the 10th, Fleischer did the 11th. The Coons couldn’t get on base at all against Marcus Owens in both innings, but kept getting walkoff chances with Fleischer allowing nothing but a 1-out single to Dan Schneller in the 12th inning. The Coons faced former Titans lefty Brent Beene in the bottom 12th, with Tovias immediately chipping in a leadoff single past Schneller. Baldwin bunted the winning run to second base, but Rodriguez flew out to left and Vanatti grounded out to Pizano. The game dragged on; Josh Boles pitched 8/9 of an immaculate inning in the top of the 14th, ringing up Sosa and Pena before Schneller grounded out on an 0-2 pitch, the ninth of the inning. Beene was in his third frame in the bottom 14th. Howden flew out to center, but Tovias walked and Baldwin singled. Tovias had also enough of this game and went aggro to third base, which in fact surprised rightfielder Mike Plunkett, who never considered having to make a throw there. Thus, the winning run was 90 feet away for .130 batter Wilson Rodriguez. We had only one more stick on the bench, Catella, and this was probably a good point to use him, because the pitcher’s spot (#2) could not possibly come up in the inning. Catella got nailed loading the bases for Vanatti. When the count ran full on him and he poked, I screamed in horror, but the bouncer eluded Ivan Pena into rightfield, walking off the Critters. 4-3 Raccoons. Ramos 3-6, RBI; Leal (PH) 1-1, 2B; Tovias 3-5, BB; Baldwin 3-5; Martinez 6.1 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 3 BB, 6 K; Fleischer 3.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;

By Sunday the silence in the place was almost suffocating after the early-week madness, but we had only one more game against the Arrowheads before we’d hit the road, at least briefly.

Game 3
IND: SS Pizano – RF Plunkett – C J. Herrera – CF Baron – 2B Schneller – LF I. Vega – 1B Regan – 3B E. Sosa – P Bedoya
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – CF Vanatti – C Leal – P Gutierrez

The game started with a throwing error by Ramos that put Pizano on base, which would ultimately make the three runs that Rico Gutierrez allowed in the inning all unearned. Dan Schneller hit a 2-run triple, Vega an RBI double to bring home plenty of runners. In contrast, the three runs that scored in the third inning with two outs were all earned, coming on 2-out doubles by Regan and Sosa. The Raccoons got on the board in the bottom 3rd. Stalker singled in a run, and Howden hit a sac fly that was also unearned after a Sosa error. Neither team wore their cleanest socks…

The Critters continued to pitch Rico Gutierrez in a 6-2 deficit not because they loved their neighbor so much, but because the pen had been sufficiently burned in two extra-inning efforts, and there was not a good way to piece together five or six innings from the remaining relievers. Since it was all his fault anyway, Rico was expected to pitch to 110 innings, and we hoped he’d see it as just punishment. It was still 6-2 in the bottom 5th when the Coons loaded the bases with no outs – never a good proposition, but we had to take anything we could get. Wallace doubled, Hereford got hit, and Howden found a hole for a soft single, bringing up Nunley in the golden spot. He hit a deep fly to left that Vega still held to a sac fly, and Vanatti fanned after that. Leal grounded out to Schneller, ending the inning with a 6-3 tally. Tim Stalker laced a homer in the sixth, but that came with nobody on base…

Gutierrez was pulled after 6.2 innings and 108 pitches, and with Pizano and Baron on base. Chris Wise entered in a double switch into the #4 hole and got Schneller to pop out, which ended the inning and left the Critters still with a chance in the 6-4 game. Wise and then Derks would not allow another run in regulation, but the Raccoons lacked rally before arriving in the bottom of the ninth inning against Jim Kretzmann, a righty with a 1.88 ERA. Stalker led off with a single to right, and Wallace walked when Kretzmann offered a 3-2 in the dirt. The winning run thus came up in pinch-hitter Elias Tovias, hitting for Derks. Somehow, Tovias was HOT, something we hadn’t seen in years and years. That didn’t mean he couldn’t hit into a snail-pace triple play, although he wouldn’t hear. Kretzmann fired a 97mph heater at 1-1, but well in the zone and in a juicy location. Tovias drilled the ball to right, high and deep, will it? Will it?? ELIAS MATIAS TOVIAS DIAZ – WALKOFF HOMER!!! 7-6 Furballs!! Stalker 2-5, HR, 2 RBI; Wallace 2-3, 2 BB, 2B; Hereford 1-2, 2B; Tovias (PH) 1-1, HR, 3 RBI;

In other news

June 5 – It’s season over for NYC SP Mike Rutkowski (4-5, 2.64 ERA), who will have to deal with a partially torn ulnar collateral ligament.
June 5 – SFW OF Mark Walker (.254, 3 HR, 26 RBI) knocks in three on four base hits in a 15-0 mauling of the Capitals.
June 6 – The Falcons erase a 5-run deficit in the ninth inning and celebrate a 7-6 walkoff win over the Knights on 3B Greg Ortiz’ (.285, 8 HR, 23 RBI) walkoff single.
June 6 – TOP SS/2B Alex Majano (.253, 0 HR, 21 RBI) is going to be out for a month with a quad tear.
June 7 – In a special walkoff, TIJ CL Erik David (2-2, 1.47 ERA, 17 SV) attempts to pick off OCT SS Jeff Nichols (.263, 3 HR, 10 RBI) with Nichols at first and C Mike Burgess (.296, 9 HR, 28 RBI) at third base in a 1-1 game in the ninth inning. David throws the ball past his first baseman, Kevin McGrath, and Burgess dashes home to end the game with a 2-1 Thunder win.

Complaints and stuff

I would like to have an explanation as to how Elias Tovias can suddenly hit .305 with clutch blasts, but I got nothing, really… he might actually have some trade value as we inch closer to mid-season…! His OPS is actually fourth on the team behind Wallace, Ramos, and Hereford.

In case you look forward to young pitching, Raffaello Sabre will miss most of the month with rotator cuff tightness, whatever the **** that is.

Fun Fact: Twice a Crusaders player hit three home runs in a game on June 8. Both were named Ortíz.

Both instances came in their era of utter dominance roughly 20 years ago, you know, the Martin Brothers, and B.J. Manfull, and all those guys, supplied by ample pitching. Martin Ortíz hit three bombs in a rout of the damn Elks on June 8, 2015, while Gabriel Ortíz did the pains to the Raccoons five years earlier in 2010. Two of Gabriel Ortiz’ homers back then came off “Winless” Watanabe, and the last one off Ted Reese, who is now rightfully forgotten. The Raccoons hit two homers of their own off the bats of Travis Owens (who?) and Keith Ayers, who the Crusaders surely tried to tag out at home, but this time really, really couldn’t. At least we won the division that year……..

Fun Fact (Bonus Round): Greg Ortiz is the first player from El Salvador in the league since the Raccoons’ employed infielder Manuel Gutierrez in the early 2010s.

Not much to add. It’s a small country, and they only had five major leaguers overall; fifth-year player Greg Ortiz is already the most productive of the bunch.

If the madness went a bit overboard in the Falcons series, just tell me and I will attempt to curb my enthusiasm going forward