[pauwoo]

Miami United (14-12, .538, 3rd NL East) @ St. Louis Rams (13-12, .520, 4th NL East)
If we’ve overachieved in our first full month as a Miami-based baseball club then St. Louis is underachieving in their 87th year as a major league ballclub. Or, and at this point anything is possible, they just aren’t who we thought they were. So far in 2079, their offense is rated a pathetic 11 of 12 and their pitching is 7th. Preseason predictions had this club winning the NL East… not by a wide margin, but winning it, nonetheless. So far, obviously, they’ve not done much to make that case. Their offense predicted to finish in the top five of the national league, has sputtered out the gate… and that’s not even accurate – they’ve been dreadful, stalled out with a bum alternator and a battery in need of some juice. Usually, you’ll see one or two players struggling to find their groove – in St. Louis everyone looks like they’re trying to tap dance on a clubfoot. Of course, our pitching staff finds itself performing at a clip that has us sitting firmly in the middle, we’re ripe for the picking, and if St. Louis is looking to get their sticks back on track now is as good a time as any to make some inroads towards that goal.

Side note: Our Ace, Cathal Magill, has been surly of late – walking around wearing his best screwface, all short-tempered and disrespectful to his teammates. This, of course, is how it starts – how the modern, spoiled, and emotionally immature athlete of the 2070s tells you that he wants to be traded. We’ll see – I’m not feeling particularly charitable so, while I do have Yan looking into it, it’s got to be right or we won’t grant him the 1st of his 3 wishes.

27 of 162: Cliff Slavinski (1-3, 5.46) @ Glenn Moisan (2-1, 3.55)
Loss, 7-4. Well, offensively St. Louis was solid – Lynden Urmanski went 3 for 5 with a triple and 3 RBIs and Shawn Sullivan finished at 3 for 4 with a double and a run. Moisan wasn’t too bad either – 8 innings, 10 hits, 4 earned, and 5 total K’s… Our guy, Slavinski, couldn’t be bothered to go past 6 innings, SS Steve Green hit his 2nd long ball, and we managed to steal 5 bags… these are the kinds of stats that usually lead to a win… but, our problem here was that every time we put ourselves in a position to do something good, our guys would get confused, forget that we are playing baseball, and would do things that would seem to have a place in Cricket… but, as you well know, we are not a Cricket club.

Elsewhere: I sent Cheech Guerrera, our Scouting Director, out to scout the Smashinista’s of the Arch Rival Roller Derby Association… obviously, he knows nothing about Roller Derby, but let’s think of this as an attempt to direct some goodwill in Loretta’s direction, an olive branch if you will… she still hasn’t committed to scheduling a try out with the Vice City Rollers and I’m worried that my Director of Investigative Services may never come back into the fold. Also, SP Michael Brisk (GSW), threw a complete game, 5-hit shutout in a 3-0 Golden State win over the Vancouver Giants. Brisky struck out 10 in the effort – it should be noted here that while in LA during the 2078 season Michael averaged 3 K’s per game… currently, in the Bay Area, Brisky is averaging 6 K’s per game. Sometimes a change of scenery and the marine layer is all you need to get right with the Baseball God’s.

28 of 162: Radoslav Borovsky (2-2, 4.97) @ Cosmo Puente (2-2, 4.30)
Win, 2-1. It took some late heroics from Eldin Kemp to secure this victory in the top of the 12th inning… his solo home run was enough to tip the scales in our direction here after 11 complete innings where our two clubs did their level best to hypnotize the fans and to lull them into a deep, deep sleep… There was an opportunity to command them to cluck like a chicken in the top of the 7th, but our manager, Matt Riley, flubbed the command… “when I clap three times, you’ll wake up and cluck like a chicken…”. The man has no rhythm, which, makes me wonder if he’ll fit in down in Miami over the long haul. You can’t just be a great manager in Miami – we demand more of our citizenry – you have to be able to dance a serviceable cha-cha… and, well, Riley has two left feet.

29 of 162: Mirko Samsonenko (2-3, 3.32) @ Zeljko Ivancic (1-2, 6.75)
Loss, 7-1. Samsonenko gave up 5 earned runs in 4.2 innings of work… and, well, what else is there to talk about. He was dreadful, all hanging curves and fastballs without any movement… The team got 8 total hits – none of which were of the extra-base variety, Anaconda swiped a bag, and we committed two costly fielding flubs. We were never really in this one… like, at all. Just out there going through the motions. On the bright side – after tonight we only have one more game in St. Louis before heading to Dallas. I got a hankering for some tex-mex and this sugar fired smokehouse BBQ and Blues vibe is getting on my nerves.

Elsewhere: RF Kirk Johnson, of the Los Angeles Kings, who, in my estimation doesn’t belong in the majors (but, he knows someone in a position of power), went 5 for 6 with a two-bagger, 2 RBIs, 2 runs, and a walk in the Kings’ 17-11 win over the San Francisco Seals… I don’t get it, man – the kid ain’t that good. And – file this one into the annuals of time… SP John Crosby, of our Havana Sugar Kings, threw a NO-NO in Cuba against the Seattle Supersonics in International League play… the young, middle-of-the-road, prospect gave up no hits in 9 innings while striking out 7 batters and walking one… Crosby was drafted 96th overall in 2071 and has never made a major league appearance in any of his 7 seasons spent in our development system – he’ll always be able to look back and say that he threw a No-No as a pro… but, he probably will never make up to the big club while I’m in town.

30 of 162: Cathal Magill (2-2, 4.12) @ Joseph Hinder (2-3, 4.05)
Loss, 8-4. Well, we did it… we’ve cured the St. Louis offense… Hinder held us in check over 8.2 innings of work, Gary Alvardo hit a 2-run jack off of Cathal in the bottom of the 1st (Magill, in all his unhappiness, gave up 5 runs during the frame – making himself untradeable), and our mini-rally in the top of the 9th, where we scored 3 late runs, wouldn’t be enough to get us on the right side of the result in this one. Anaconda drove in a run, OH HONG struck out 3 times, and, despite hitting 3 doubles and a triple, we found ourselves in another scenario where we got confused and forgot how to play baseball each time an opportunity to make up some ground on the Rams presented itself… this is no way to start out a 10-game road trip.

Elsewhere: SP Funky Martin threw an 8-inning, 7-hit, 1-run game against the Supersonics to secure a 4-1 win for our Havana Sugar Kings… he also rung up 7 batters during the outing. So, while it wasn’t a no-no, it still qualifies as some low-key good news for a club that is desperate for some of that right now… 3B Dontrell Gay went 2 for 5 with a run and two RBIs for the City of Compton – the all-star, and pound-for-pound best third baseman in the game is currently on a rehab assignment for the Kings. The Continental League schedule is out… and, because the Baseball Gods hate us, it looks like our Barbados Tridents will travel all the way to Fairbanks, Alaska to take on the Emperors in their opening 3-game set. That’s a bummer – I wanted to be there for their inaugural game, but, now that I’m a resident of Miami, I don’t own a coat. Or gloves. Or a knit skull cap. Or even a warm pair of wool socks. It’s a sad state of affairs, man. And, lastly, just for the grins… the San Dimas Community College Wyld Stallyns, who are now 25-12 on the season and look to be tourney bound, lost by a score of 13-0 against the Clemson Tigers in South Carolina… that is, well, embarrassing. Where’s George Carlin and that magical telephone booth when you need it?