Bloody hell dude. I can remember times where the 'coons have straight stunk more (been reading through 1998 lately and that rings a bell...) but I can't place a time that they've been so profligate. This bullpen is outstandingly, impressively, unbelievably bad.
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The concept of a closer in itself is a weird one. Maybe we should just pitch them in alphabetical order or whatever…
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This made me giggle, as does so much of your writing. Still, your patience is nothing short of saintly.