[Westheim]

Raccoons (26-35) @ Blue Sox (29-31) – June 16-18, 2031

Road trip for the Coons, who could now take their losing to other places again. The first such place would be Nashville, where the resident Sox were third in the FL East, seven games behind the leader. They sat eighth in runs scored, fifth in runs allowed, and had a +3 run differential. It really looked like they were coming out of the pitch black hole they had been encamped in for virtually all of the 2020s – they had finished in the bottom two in their division seven times, including five straight last-place finishes. The Raccoons also hadn’t lost a series to the Blue Sox since 2019, but part of this was that we hadn’t even played them for five years. Our most recent meeting saw us come out on top, two games to one, in 2025.

Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (2-2, 2.54 ERA) vs. Sean Fowler (3-7, 5.66 ERA)
Dave Martinez (3-3, 3.88 ERA) vs. Alfredo Vargas (6-2, 3.04 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (2-6, 5.99 ERA) vs. Mike Bass (4-4, 2.77 ERA)

All righties here!

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 2B Hereford – 1B Howden – C Tovias – 3B Nunley – CF Vanatti – P Gurney
NAS: CF Ugolino – SS Salmonsen – 3B J. Allen – 1B R. Santiago – LF E. Rendon – RF Eppler – 2B J. Cabrera – C R. Vargas – P Fowler

The Coons scored a few in the early going here, with Wallace singling home Ramos, who stole his first base in over a week after hitting a leadoff single off Sean Fowler. Ramos opened the third inning with a double to right-center then. This time Jamison walked and Wallace landed a bloop RBI double that almost died bending over Ruben Santiago, dropped mere inches on the fair side of the rightfield line, and then immediately started to burrow its way into foul ground. Howden chipped in a sac fly after a poor groundout by Hereford, extending the lead to 3-0 by the end of the third inning. The Blue Sox also had a chance in the bottom 2nd, but sending Brian Eppler from first base on a Jerry Cabrera double to left was met with determined resistance by Matt Jamieson, who threw a beam to knock out the runner at home. Gurney wasn’t flashy but looked rather consistent and in control. It took four innings for a Blue Sock to send a Coons outfielder backwards, but Ruben Santiago – one piece of the 2021 trade for Tim Stalker and Billy Brotman! – flew out to Jamieson. But never forget – the Raccoons can never, ever have a nice thing. Gurney’s fifth began with leadoff singles by Eppler and Cabrera, and while Ricardo Vargas grounded out and Sean Fowler whiffed, Fabien Ugolino (once with New York) then dropped a single into shallow left and two runs scored on the play. That wasn’t all, though, because before Gurney could recollect himself, Seth Salmonsen and Jim Allen hit back-to-back bombs to leftfield, and all of a sudden a 3-0 lead hadn’t only vanished, but had imploded and morphed into a 5-3 deficit. And the inning wasn’t even over yet – Gurney walked Santiago and allowed a single to Edwin Rendon, then was yanked. Nick Derks replaced him, gave up an RBI single to Eppler, and then was dumb/lucky enough to have Cabrera line out right to Wallace, ending a 6-run cascade. And that was really all there was to the game. Waiting on a Raccoons comeback turned out to be a waste of energy, as the Critters just laid down and die. The only Brownshirt to reach scoring position in the last four innings was Jimmy Wallace, knocking a 2-out triple in the eighth inning, and he was swiftly stranded by Hereford grounding out, poorly. Matt Nunley drew a 2-out walk in the ninth to extend the inevitable against Tim Colangelo, but the inevitable was only denied for one more plate appearance by Chris Baldwin, who hacked himself out to end the game. 6-3 Blue Sox. Ramos 2-4, 2B; Wallace 3-4, 3B, 2B, 2 RBI;

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Jamieson – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – CF Vanatti – C Leal – P Martinez
NAS: RF Ugolino – SS Salmonsen – 3B J. Allen – CF E. Rendon – 1B R. Santiago – LF Eppler – C Jai. Jackson – 2B J. Cabrera – P A. Vargas

Fabien Ugolino drew a leadoff walk in the first, but was caught stealing by Leal, which was not something that happened to the three Blue Sox that rocked hard base hits off Martinez in the opening inning. Jim Allen homered. Edwin Rendon singled. And Ruben Santiago hit an RBI double. Eppler flew out to right, keeping it at 2-0 for the time being. The Raccoons would score a sac fly in the third inning, despite a ****ty bunt by Martinez, who popped out to Vargas with Vanatti and Leal on the bases and no outs. Ramos walked them full, and Stalker hit the sac fly, but it was all very bland and not nearly enough. Wallace grounded out to Jerry Cabrera to end the inning and leave Critters on the corners. Top 4th, Jamieson with a leadoff single! …and Howden, the dumb pig, with a double play grounder to Cabrera… Nashville added a pair in the bottom 4th, however. Rendon hit a single and stole second, AND reached third base on Leal’s throwing error. The run was unearned after Eppler’s sac fly, but was changed to an earned run after Jaiden Jackson, venerable backstop, hit a moonshot to right-center…

Jackson would knock out Martinez in the sixth inning, then with a 2-run double to right-center. Even with those four RBI, he was still only batting .197, but when had that ever stopped the opposing team from cracking the little numb skull of any of our hurlers…? The scoring was done by Santiago and Eppler, who had reached scoring position on two singles and a Jamieson error, flubbing the pickup on the Eppler single, not that it made much of a difference (besides the disgrace of having two each in hits and errors at this point of the game…). Nick Derks ended the inning, but now the Coons were 6-1 behind and didn’t look like even potential winners. But they did bring up the tying run at least, which is not to mean that they scored said tying run. But the eighth began with soft singles by Vanatti and Leal, and while Hereford struck out, Ramos knocked a double off the fence to plate Vanatti. Stalker popped out unhelpfully, and Jimmy Wallace’s 2-out, 2-run single was nice, but still didn’t even knock out Alfredo Vargas right away. He still had enough to get Jamieson to ground out to short. Nobody reached base in the ninth. 6-4 Blue Sox. Leal 2-3;

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 2B Hereford – 1B Howden – C Tovias – 3B Nunley – CF Catella – P Gutierrez
NAS: CF Ugolino – SS Salmonsen – 3B J. Allen – 1B R. Santiago – LF E. Rendon – RF Eppler – 2B Vitale – C R. Vargas – P Bass

The Coons got their first three batters on, but nobody across in the first inning. Part of the blame had to reside with Ramos, who singled and was caught stealing before Jamieson doubled and Wallace walked. The H brigade then again failed miserably in their duties. You know, just like Rico Gutierrez, who allowed a run in the first on a Jim Allen triple (plating Ugolino, who had drawn a leadoff walk). But the Coons tied the game in the second inning without the benefit of a base hit. Mike Bass nailed Sean Catella and walked three others, including Jamieson with the bases loaded, to force in a run before Wallace ended the inning with a groundout. Top 3rd, the bases were loaded again on a Hereford double and walks to Tovias and Nunley, when Sean Catella dropped a 1-out single to plate the go-ahead run. Bass at this point had six walks in 2.1 innings, and Rico Gutierrez was up with his best RBI chance of his career. Just hold still, y’know? He didn’t. Gutierrez poked, grounded to short, and a 6-4-3 ended the inning. Behind the ballpark, to the right of the batter’s eye, I could see a chainlink fence bordering a junkyard. That was, I resolved, where I would tie Rico’s leash to on the way to the airport.

Top 4th, all the walks suddenly were singles. The Coons slapped five of them and scored three runs off a completely swamped Mike Bass, Wallace getting on RBI and Tovias nabbing two. Speaking of singles, Gutierrez would hit a pair of those in his next two plate appearances, but what were we even getting mad about anymore… at least the lead didn’t vanish as pronto as we were used to. Ruben Santiago hit a jack in the bottom 4th, but that only counted for a single run and the score was still 5-2 at the stretch. Rico came back out after that, despite Santiago leading off and with only 68 pitches on the clock, indicating a certain hittability for the umpteenth time this year. He threw only six more pitches, enough for the Blue Sox to set up camp on the corners on Santiago and Rendon singles. Ricky Ohl was called upon. He allowed the lead run to score on an Eppler single, but then got a pop from Erik Vitale and rung up Vargas. Started to look better! Then PH Jose Jaramillo hit a fly to deep right, Wallace couldn’t catch up, and the ball hit off the fence for a game-tying double… Jaramillo was at second as the go-ahead run, while Ohl went 0-2 on Ugolino before balking the runner to third, then walked Ugolino on top of that. We sought salvation in Mauricio Garavito, while Ohl was consumed by the big hook. Garavito allowed a run-scoring infield single on Salmonsen’s ****ty roller, and Jim Allen fouled out clumsily to end yet another nightmare inning – every game now had to have one! …much as none would have a Coons rally. Rob Owensby and Alex Ramos would pitch the last two innings, wasting only 18 pitches between them to get the last six outs. 6-5 Blue Sox. Ramos 2-4, BB; Jamieson 2-4, BB, 2B, RBI; Catella 1-2, RBI;

You have to admit, the team is always up for a surprise. When we got Ragged Rico through six innings with a 3-run lead, I was almost sure that they wouldn’t **** this one up, too. Alas, such is the American Dream – nothing is impossible! Believe in your possibilities. Even if that means getting swept against all odds in ****ing Nashville. (yells at the honking bus driver) YES, I’M COMING, BUT THE **** LET ME FINISH MY MONOLOGUE!!

Raccoons (26-38) @ Crusaders (32-31) – June 19-22, 2031

Back in New York, and I shouldn’t have ever left. Wouldn’t have missed anything in Nashville… the Crusaders were still hopeful for their 2031 campaign and sat a manageable 7.5 games out of first place at this point, which wasn’t anything that two or three shrewd moves couldn’t make up. They badly needed offense – they were in the least three in both allowing and conceding runs, and their run differential was actually negative at -5 (Coons: -14). We held a tender 2-1 edge in the season series.

Projected matchups:
Mark Roberts (3-3, 4.74 ERA) vs. Chris Rountree (4-7, 3.12 ERA)
Ed Hague (4-3, 4.48 ERA) vs. Eddie Cannon (9-3, 3.20 ERA)
Jason Gurney (2-3, 3.50 ERA) vs. Robby Gonzalez (3-4, 3.16 ERA)
Dave Martinez (3-4, 4.35 ERA) vs. Keith Roofener (3-6, 4.35 ERA)

Rountree would be the only southpaw they have to offer.

This was also the team that hit the fewest homers in the league, so we’d see how that mixed up with Mark Roberts. “Launchpad” had surrendered more than HALF as many dingers as all Crusaders together had hit on the season…..

There was a roster move, with Victor Anaya sent back to AAA despite seven shutout innings, and a right-handed bat being recalled, but that was merely Wilson Rodriguez…

Game 1
POR: SS Stalker – 1B Howden – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – C Tovias – CF Catella – RF Rodriguez – 2B Baldwin – P Roberts
NYC: 2B M. Hurtado – 1B Fowlkes – SS Obando – CF Coca – RF Reardon – C Dear – 3B Czachor – LF Jo. Richardson – P Rountree

The Coons drew a walk in each of the first two innings, and both times hit into a double play, Jamieson in the first and Catella in the second. But Roberts held up, and the Coons could take the lead in the third inning when not only Rodriguez and Baldwin opened with singles through the right side, where the Crusaders’ defense was brittle. Roberts had them on the corners, hit a ball through Pat Fowlkes for an RBI single, 1-0, and then Stalker hit a single into left-center for another run to come across. Rountree walked Jarod Howden to load the bases with no outs, which would surely extinguish the inning. The 2-1 to Jamieson, hit high to center, Tony Coca scurrying back aaaand… giving up. GRAAAAAAAAAND SLAAAAAAAAAMMMM!!!!

That wasn’t all in the inning, with Hereford continuing the barrage with a double to center. Tovias dropped a single, and with runners on the corners Catella hit into another double play, but this one at least got a run home, 7-0, but then the Crusaders got involved. John Richardson hit a bomb in the bottom 3rd, the solo homer being the 18th home run off Mark Roberts this season, and in only 84 innings. Bottom 4th, Guillermo Obando and Tony Coca hit back-to-back doubles off Roberts for another run, but that was not all. Chris Reardon, Matt Dear, Ryan Czachor … ALL hit singles after that. Reardon brought in the Crusaders’ third run, then was sent from second on Czachor’s single, but thrown out at home plate by Catella. That was only the second out in the inning, regrettably, and the Coons’ pen was active. John Richardson hit an RBI single, 7-4, before PH Tony Fuentes grounded out to Baldwin. What pitching! What a team…

Roberts issued a leadoff walk to Mario Hurtado in the bottom 5th, but Fowlkes hit into a double play. While we obviously should know better, Roberts batted for himself in the sixth inning, then was back on the mound in the bottom of the same frame. He walked Dear, hit Czachor, and only our base reluctance to change lefty-for-lefty kept him in against Richardson, who fouled out to Hereford to end the inning… Roberts’ final act was a K to PH Victor Ayala to begin the bottom 7th – the switch-hitter Ayala was quite weak batting right-handed and there was that base reluctance again – but then was removed when the top of the order, all right-handers, came back up. Jonathan Fleischer came off his suspension with a 4-pitch walk to Hurtado, who was caught stealing, then also walked Fowlkes before Baldwin made a nifty play on Obando to end the inning despite all attempts by the pitching corps to piss away what once had been a 7-0 lead… Bottom 8th, Ohl was trying to **** up another lead – he wasn’t 0-4 with five blown saves for nothing… Coca hit a double, Dear walked, and they were on the corners for Richardson with two outs. Garavito got the assignment, but allowed an RBI single to center. Dave O’Rourke pinch-hit and ripped another RBI single, and here came another reliever, this time Chris Wise, entering in a double switch that put Ramos in the #9 hole, which would lead off the top 9th. The count ran full, but Wise got Hurtado to miss a 3-2 pitch and the strikeout ended the tumultuous inning. Ramos would not get on base against Casey Moore. Stalker and Howden did, but pinch-hitters Wallace and Nunley both made outs to keep them stranded. Bottom 9th, Fowlkes opened the parade with a double on an 0-2 pitch, putting the tying run in the trouble zone right away… Nunley ranged wide to intercept an Obando grounder for the first out. Coca grounded out to Wise, but the runner moved up on the play and was now 90 feet away. Reardon – fly to right, high, deep… high… Rodriguez to the track … and… it came down into the glove …! (exhales!) 7-6 Coons. Stalker 3-4, BB, 2B, RBI; Jamieson 1-4, HR, 4 RBI;

First career save for Chris Wise – not quite a doozy.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Howden – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – C Tovias – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – CF Vanatti – P Hague
NYC: 2B M. Hurtado – 1B Fowlkes – SS Obando – CF Coca – RF Reardon – C Dear – 3B T. Fuentes – LF Jo. Richardso – P E. Cannon

Offense was exceedingly slow for the Raccoons, who through five innings scored one run on three hits off Eddie Cannon. One of the hits was a fourth-inning RBI double by Elias Tovias, scoring Wallace, and that was the only score going into the bottom 5th, which Matt Dear opened with a double to center. Ed Hague, up to here solid and almost convincing me that he was not a total fraud, then walked the bases loaded and conceded the tying run on a Cannon sac fly to center, then restocked the sacks with a full-count walk to Hurtado. Hague fell to 3-1 against Fowlkes, who lacked patience to wait for ball four and instead ripped a 2-run double to center. Obando plated a run with a groundout, after which Hague walked Coca, the fourth walk in the inning and the fifth in the game, and allowed another RBI single to Reardon, then was shanked. Another Raccoons starter failing to cover five innings without imploding – awesome! David Fernandez got Dear to ground out, finally ending a 5-run frame… And that was basically this game. The Raccoons were not remotely near a comeback despite a Jimmy Wallace homer in the eighth inning. The Crusaders leaned back and maintained their lead and won this one comfortably. 5-2 Crusaders. Wallace 3-4, HR, RBI; Tovias 2-4, 2B, RBI; Jamieson 1-1, BB;

(stems fists into his sides and prepares to start yelling at the miserable scums)

… ah, what does it … it doesn’t get us anywhere, either…

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 3B Hereford – 2B Stalker – CF Catella – 1B Vanatti – C Leal – P Gurney
NYC: 3B Czachor – 1B Fowlkes – SS Obando – CF Coca – C Dear – 2B J. Brown – RF O’Rourke – LF Jo. Richardson – P R. Gonzalez

While the Raccoons loaded the bases and didn’t score in the first, Tony Coca hit a grand slam on Gurney’s 17th pitch of the game, so there was that. Two walks and Fowlkes single had loaded the bags, and Coca had banished the first baseball he saw for a four-spot. Another game in the bin, and it had taken all of 19 minutes to arrive at that unhappy spot. Ramos singled home Vanatti in the top of the second inning, but Coca pulled the run back, batting with the bags full (…) and one out in the bottom 2nd and hitting a ball to Ramos’ right, where he couldn’t turn two. Obviously, Gurney had nothing. Gurney was ****, from top to bottom, and needed 63 pitches through two ****ty innings, in which he allowed four hits, four walks, and five runs.

Amazingly, that was good for a no-decision. The Coons made up two runs in the third, and two more in the fifth, in the course of which Gurney was hit for, but that was with the game already tied and Howden flew out in his place to strand Vanatti on second base. Vanatti and Leal had brought in Hereford (single) and Stalker (double) with a single and a groundout, respectively. Fleischer held off the Crusaders in the bottom 5th, and then Ramos doubled, Jamieson singled, and Wallace doubled to take the lead, 6-5, and with two men in scoring position and nobody out! The Crusaders ordered relief man Jesse Wright to walk Hereford intentionally, putting the Coons into their favorite death trap from which there was no escape – three on, nobody out. The Coons went on to hit into not one, but TWO force plays at home. Stalker got Jamieson thrown out by Obando, and Catella hit a comebacker to kill off Wallace. Wright could have been save, but then lost Vanatti on balls, 7-5, Obando could not come in quick enough for a pathetic roller by Leal that became a 2-out RBI infield single, and Nunley drew all balls hitting for Fleischer, forcing in another run. New pitcher Isaiah Pooser then got Ramos, heretofore unretired in the game, to ground out, with the score 9-5 in the middle of the sixth. The Coons didn’t tag on in the next innings, but were threatening to run out of bullpen with both Josh Boles in the seventh and Nick Derks in the eight scuffling. Josh Brown hit a homer off Derks that cut the gap to 9-6 through eight. Bottom 9th, Chris Wise made a good bid to **** up another lead. He issued not one, but two leadoff walks to Tony Fuentes and Guillermo Obando. Coca hit into a fielder’s choice, but the tying run remained at the plate. Dear grounded to the right side, Stalker to Ramos… and again too slow to turn two. Fuentes scored, 9-7, and Hurtado pinch-hit for the pitcher in the #6 spot. He, too, walked, and Dave O’Rourke hit an RBI single. There wasn’t even another reliever left besides the burned husk of Garavito. Richardson batted with with tying and winning runs in scoring position, licked a 1-2 pitch over the head of Hereford, and down the line it went for a walkoff double. 10-9 Crusaders. Ramos 3-5, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Wallace 2-6, 2B, RBI; Hereford 3-4, BB; Stalker 2-4, BB, 2B; Catella 2-5, 2B, RBI; Vanatti 2-3, BB, 3 RBI; Nunley (PH) 0-0, BB, RBI;

The concept of a closer in itself is a weird one. Maybe we should just pitch them in alphabetical order or whatever…

We had to make roster moves in deference to a completely blasted bullpen. Nick Derks and David Fernandez were sent to AAA through no (major) fault of their own, and we brought up two rested arms in Nick Bates and Bryan Rabbitt. Both had been *eh* for the Coons in 2030, but had ERA’s in the 2’s in St. Pete this year…

Game 4
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Jamieson – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – 1B Howden – CF Vanatti – P Martinez
NYC: 2B M. Hurtado – 1B Fowlkes – CF Coca – RF Reardon – 3B T. Fuentes – SS J. Brown – C V. Ayala – LF O’Rourke – P Roofener

I was escorted out of the park in the first inning when I asked an attendant where the nearest gun store was located. This came after Martinez started his day with a 4-pitch walk to Mario Hurtado. He walked Fowlkes on as many pitches, then had Coca hit into a fielder’s choice in a 1-0 count, which counted for an out alright, never mind that of his ten pitches so far none fooled anybody. The Crusaders would take the lead on a Reardon sac fly, but at least that was all the first-inning damage. The Coons even took a 2-1 lead in the third inning on Tim Stalker’s homer, only for the bottom 3rd to involve another 4-pitch leadoff walk to Hurtado. Fowlkes singled, Coca walked on four pitches, and Reardon hit it outta here, a slam to dead center, and the Crusaders were ahead 5-2…

By the fourth inning, Hurtado was on base for the third time. He had walked every time, and he had seen exactly 12 pitches. Unfortunately, my background check not only came back positive, but also with several red flags that led the clerk in the gun store literally across the street from the Crusaders’ park to advise me to better leave without much of a fuss or he would press that big red button on his counter. Martinez, the fool, was hit for in the top 5th after Howden and Vanatti had reached base. Rich Hereford ripped a 3-piece off Roofener, and amazingly that also took Martinez off the hook as the home run tied the game at five. Portland even took the lead with two outs and Wright pitching again when Nunley dropped in a 2-out single to score Jimmy Wallace from second base. The bases then filled up with a walk to Tovias, after which Jarod Howden, the dumb pig, popped out on a 1-0 pitch to strand all three runners.

And what better time to give Nick Bates his season debut than with a 6-5 game in the fifth? Reardon single, walk to Fuentes, single by Ayala – the bags full with two outs, 1-2 to O’Rourke, rip and a miss, inning over. OH BOY. The Coons had the bags full again in the seventh… and brought up Howden, again… Wright ran a full count against him, then lost him, forcing in an insurance run, 7-5. Vanatti struck out, bringing up Rabbitt, who we would have liked to pitch two innings, but we could not just forego the chance for another run. Catella batted for him…. and flew out. Fleischer came on for the bottom 7th, nailed Coca and walked Reardon on four pitches, then was removed for Garavito. Let’s see whether we can run out of pitchers altogether in regulation!! Garavito walked Ryan Czachor on four pitches, giving the Crusaders three on and no outs, at which point I was deep into a huge glass of cheap bourbon at the bar where I had spent the previous Sunday, too, and was babbling crazy talk to a tiny glass with toothpicks. Brown hit a grounder that pulled Nunley in and allowed Coca to score, 7-6, but Ayala hit a sharper grounder off Garavito, also to Nunley, and that one kept the runners pinned while the second out was made. Now we only had to get O’Rourke to- ah, **** YOU, Garavito! Single to center, Reardon in, Czachor in, and the Coons had blown their twenty-seventh lead of the week … 8-7 New York now and either I had a stroke and wet myself or I had just poured my drink over my shoes, which suddenly felt moist… turned out it was the latter. Barkeep – more, please! (slams a tenner onto the counter)

Matt Bosse and Dan Lyke then blew the *Crusaders’* lead in the eighth inning. Ramos singled off the former, advanced on a grounder, then scored when Wallace singled to right-center off the latter, which knotted the tallies at eight. Jamieson lined out to Brown and Nunley rolled out to Fowlkes to end the inning. Bottom 8th, Garavito got two outs, then walked Coca, Reardon, and Czachor in succession. How on earth was this even possible?? The Coons opted for Ricky Ohl, entering in a double switch removing Nunley for Baldwin in the cocky assumption they’d have to pitch the ninth. They probably didn’t. Josh Brown dropped a roller in no man’s land between the mound and first, Ohl and Howden both sprung for it, neither got there soon enough… and nobody was covering first base, with Stalker near second base when the play began to account for the pull-happy righty Brown. 2-out RBI infield single. Ayala grounded out, but what for?

Top 9th, Tovias opened with a double to left against Casey Moore. Alright, Joe… (slams a hundo onto the counter) Don’t ask, just keep the stuff flowin’ in here. (points at glass) – Your name ain’t Joe? I don’t give a ****. – In the game, Howden cracked a single to center, putting Coons on the corners for Vanatti, who struck out, but Baldwin amazingly hit a single to center for his second RBI of the season, this one tying the score. Ramos scorched a double down the line in left, bringing in Howden to take a 10-9 lead. THE CRAZY. (yells at toothpicks) ARE YOU NOT EN-NNERTAINTED??? … Stalker struck out and Wallace grounded out to Abel Mora at first base to end the inning, which posed a slight dilemma in terms of closers. Boles had pitched two days in a row. Wise had been demolished the previous day. To heck with closers, let’s stay with Ohl. And no, there was no other pitcher left in the pen. We had added two more arms, and blown through everybody AGAIN. Ohl struck out O’Rourke, but allowed a single to Obando. He struck out Hurtado, but then allowed a single to Abel Mora. Ye-haaaay, Mora, that’s my boy!! Abel Mora’s gonna win us the ****ing game!! (empties glass once more, then throws it into the mirror behind the bar, resulting in plenty of shards, in exuberation) The Coons won indeed when Tony Coca grounded out to Stalker, even if for reasons not involving Abel Mora’s hitting prowess. 10-9 Coons. Ramos 4-6, 2B, RBI; Wallace 3-6, RBI; Jamison 2-5, 2B; Nunley 3-5, RBI; Vanatti 2-5; Hereford (PH) 1-1, HR, 3 RBI; Baldwin 1-1, RBI;

Oh l-llook, w-ww—wwww-won!! … and the boys – (hcks!!) th…boys are com-com-coming to pickmeup. Hey, boys …! Hi, Matt Nunley! I l-lo-love you! (kisses him on the lips) You, you, you, too! (tries to kiss the second guy, who is resisting) – What do-o you mean, your n-name is-s Offic-cccer and I am under arrest?

(is dragged out of the bar by the cops, but sings merrily)

In other news

June 16 – CIN 3B/SS Ricardo Rangel (.329, 3 HR, 30 RBI) suffers a career-ending concussion in the team’s 5-1 loss to the Thunder. The 4-time Gold Glover has to retire at the age of 31. Rangel, who spent his entire major league career with the Cyclones, hit .298 with 17 HR, 465 RBI, and 296 SB for his career.
June 22 – IND CL Marcus Owens (5-1, 1.38 ERA, 15 SV) is out for the year with a broken elbow sustained in a robbery in a shady part of town.
June 22 – A broken hand will keep DEN CF/LF Abel Madsen (.345, 16 HR, 45 RBI) out until August, and on top of that the Gold Sox also lose CL Tommy Weintraub (2-2, 1.35 ERA, 11 SV) with a bone spur in his elbow. He will also not return before August.
June 22 – VAN 1B David Fisher (.224, 11 HR, 33 RBI) goes deep for the only run in the Canadiens’ 1-0 win over the Titans.

Complaints and stuff

Seven times this week – SEVEN! – the Raccoons were either tied or ahead and fell behind in an inning with 3+ runs. Five times alone they blew a lead in an inning of 4+ runs. They are truly a staggering bunch. I don’t know what leaves me more at a loss for words, this, or that we split back-to-back 10-9 games with the Crusaders…

Why is Rico Gutierrez still here? Well, that chainlink fence next to the junkyard in Nashville had a sign explicitly forbidding teams tying ABL players’ leashes to it. Apparently the Rebels were trying that trick every time they crawled through there.

The horrendous pitching led to a week in which we were involved in the creation of a total of 88 runs; 40 for and 48 against, in case you weren’t sure. That is quite the impressive output… for the opposition more so than for us, unfortunately. I don’t even know what to do besides going to an 11-man bullpen… they are unmanageable right now.

AND we will have to stop over in Elkland before we can go home. Well, the rancid team has to. I can go home directly. Three games spent on the couch, weeping into the pillows. Yay, lucky me.

And with that I mean I can go home as soon as someone posts bail. I have high hopes in Maud in that regard. Maud will post bail any minute now.

(looks at the clock)

Aaany minute now.

Fun Fact: The Federal League team with the most 3-game sweeps against the Raccoons are the Rebels, who achieved the feat six times in the history of the league.

Interesting though that the most recent instance of us getting swept by Richmond came all the way back in 2005. This year we lost two of three, but we have played the Rebs 16 times since ’05 and all six sweeps that occurred then went in our favor. The most recent instance of that came in ’29.