[Westheim]

Raccoons (75-62) vs. Titans (75-61) – September 6-8, 2033

Not gonna lie – I never thought we’d get here, and I am continuously stumped as to how we actually made it. But here we were, in September, and fighting the Titans for first place, straight-up. And now it would sure help if we could stop playing .333 (4-8) against the Titans this season, because losing more than you win against top teams makes you not a top team. And only top teams get a piece of the cake. – That’s right, Manny. No cake unless we win the series! … The Titans were third in runs scored, but only seventh in runs conceded. Their bullpen was horrendous, worst by ERA in the CL, and it wasn’t like they had sufficiently addressed the issue either during the season. Their rotation sat fourth in ERA.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (10-10, 3.54 ERA) vs. Adam Potter (15-10, 3.62 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (6-11, 4.05 ERA) vs. Dustin Wingo (10-8, 2.84 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (13-7, 3.78 ERA) vs. Jordan Caldwell (7-6, 4.07 ERA)

Potter and Caldwell were the only right-handed starters the Titans had to offer. The Coons opted to skip Gurney due to the off day on Monday (it was either him or Gutierrez), and of course jumped on it. I’d rather have second-half Bernie in the Thursday game than one of the other clowns with … “known track record”.

Game 1
BOS: CF M. Avila – SS Spataro – LF W. Vega – C Lessman – 2B R. West – RF M. Walker – 1B J. Green – 3B Gil – P Potter
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – 2B Stalker – CF M. Fernandez – C Thompson – P Sabre

Only the Titans had a base hit the first time through, a Josh Green double leading off the third inning. Antonio Gil and Adam Potter struck out, Moises Avila grounded out to Ramos, and this was how the offense went early on in this game. Berto landed a 2-out single in the bottom 3rd, but was stranded by Bob Zeltser. The Raccoons were the first team to run out of pitching and especially defense. Wallace couldn’t reach a Willie Vega double in the fourth, and when David Lessman singled into shallow left unleashed a terrible throw that chased Elliott Thompson deep into foul territory while Vega scored and Lessman moved to second base. He would be scored on Green’s 2-out single later in the inning; in between Sabre also walked Rhett West. That was by far his worst inning, although the Titans also chewed him up in just six frames. He did strike out nine Titans against six base hits, but also got virtually no support. Manny Fernandez singled home Zitzner – who had reached base by sticking his hairy bum into a pitch – with two outs in the bottom 4th, but struck out when he batted with two outs and Zitzner at third base again in the bottom 6th. In between, the Coons had done NOTHING. We had only three base hits through six innings, so every base runner was a major event for the home crowd, begging and snarling for a rally. Bottom 7th, Adrian Reichardt landed a pinch-hit single against his long-long-time team. Ramos lined out for the second out, but Zeltser found a hole for another single. That brought up fourth inning’s bozo, Jimmy Wallace, who had **** to make up – and did. Jimmy hit a long fly into the gap, and nobody got it, or got even close. Reichardt scored to tie, Zeltser scored to take the lead, and Wallace had a triple, but was stranded when Zitzner flew out to right.

And then it all came apart with nobody out in the eighth. Garavito walked Willie Vega, then allowed a double to Lessman. That put two in scoring position with nobody out, and Ed Blair to the mound. I screamed for help, but Maud explained that I was not allowed to shoot the runners with the blunderbuss. Ed Blair had to find his way out of runners on second and third with no outs. He had Rhett West at 0-2, and the batter grounded out to Zeltser in a way that kept the runners pinned. Mark Walker struck out. Green, a September call-up, ran a full count… and walked. The Coons went on to David Fernandez against Antonio Gil, but he was hit for by right-handed batter Roberto Avila. The batter ticked a 1-1 breaking pitch to center for an RBI single, and Fernandez walked Todd Johnson in the #9 hole to force home another run, shoving the lead right back up the Titans fat bum holes. Anaya got Moises Avila to pop out, stranding three, but it was all lost and broken. No Coon reached base in the bottom of the eighth. No Coon reached until Ramos hit a 2-out single off Jermaine Campbell in the bottom 9th. Zeltser grounded out. 4-3 Titans. Ramos 2-5; Reichardt (PH) 1-2;

That was …

That was smothering.

Game 2
BOS: C R. Avila – 2B R. West – LF W. Vega – CF M. Avila – 3B E. Gonzalez – SS Gil – RF T. Johnson – 1B J. Green – P Wingo
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Hawkins – 2B Stalker – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – CF Reichardt – LF Camps – C Garcia – P Gutierrez

The Raccoons got the first run on Wednesday, scratching out a marker in the bottom 1st in unearned and almost comical fashion, because the Titans fell over not one, but two infield grounders; the former was charged an error on Edgar Gonzalez, putting on Stalker in addition to Tom Hawkins, whom Wingo had nailed with a pitch. Zitzner hit a clean single to right, Jennings struck out, and with the bags full and two outs Reichardt unleashed a pathetic poker that only became an infield RBI single because Wingo and the rookie Green almost smack-dab ran into each other trying to field it. Camps struck out, stranding three. And then there was the mild issue of Rico Gutierrez being on the mound. Nobody expected him to be even remotely useful in a blade-on-the-neck game, and he wholeheartedly delivered three straight 2-out, 2-strike base hits to the 6-7-8 hitters in the top 2nd, with Green doubling home a pair of runs to flip the score. And **** Josh Green by the way, a 25-year-old NOTHING with 12 career base hits as play began. In the bottom 2nd, Gutierrez blatantly failed to bunt Fernando Garcia to second base and instead struck out, probably costing the team another run given Berto’s 1-out single afterwards. Gutierrez walked two and allowed a double to grievous Green the second time through, which somehow didn’t amount to six runs, but we were trailing one way or another.

Four and two thirds was all that Gutierrez covered, allowing six hits and four walks on 100 pitches. He departed with West and Moises Avila in scoring position for Gonzalez. The Coons sent Prieto, who threw one pitch, on which Gonzalez flew out to shallow center, no trouble for Reichardt. The Coons rather brilliantly also left runners in scoring position in the inning. Zitzner hit a leadoff single, was forced out by Jennings, who was forced out by Reichardt. Camps hit a double to left, and Garcia grounded out to short, keeping it 2-1 Titans through five.

Spataro opened the seventh with a double off the absolutely useless Kyle Green, who was replaced by Hennessy before long, but not before Green walked Rhett West with one out. Hennessy gave up a sac fly to Vega for an insurance run, 3-1. And the Critters? They didn’t reach in the sixth. They didn’t reach in the seventh. They didn’t reach in the eighth. The soft underbelly of the Titans’ pen arrived and passed them by, an then it was Campbell starting with the #9 spot and Manny Fernandez in the bottom 9th. Fernandez flew out to left. Berto singled to center, the first runner in half a game, and he brought the tying run to the plate. Zeltser batted for Hawkins and dropped a single into shallow right-center. Berto sped to third base; the tying runs were on the corners for… Jimmy Wallace, batting for Tim Stalker. Jimmy took one strike, then peppered a liner for an RBI single over the head of Gil at shortstop. Despite lefty success, Travis Zitzner was not hit for, because HE was the only power threat that could still bat in the inning. He grounded out poorly, runners advancing. That brought up a hitless Billy Jennings, but he was already a lefty bat, so no reason to hit for him either. Campbell fell to 1-0 before he served a pitch at the bottom of the zone. Jennings dug it out and slapped it over Rhett West – that was so falling in! The runners were going at full speed, Zeltser in to score, Wallace turning at third, Todd Johnson delivering the throw from the outfield was going to be – late! Safe!! IT’S A WALKOFF!!! 4-3 FURBALLS!!!! Ramos 3-5; Zeltser (PH) 1-1; Wallace (PH) 1-1, RBI;

(screams intelligibly with great volume and lots of arm movement while Slappy and Steve from Accounting applaud the mastermind GM in Communist Party of China style and Cristiano Carmona races in circles through the room, tires screeching)

Game 3
BOS: CF M. Avila – SS Spataro – LF W. Vega – C Lessman – 2B R. West – RF M. Walker – 1B E. Gonzalez – 3B Gil – P Caldwell
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – CF Reichardt – C Thompson – 2B Marsingill – P B. Chavez

Bernie struck out four batters in the first three innings… while putting as many runners on base. This included two singles and an intentional walk to Gil in the top 2nd, with Caldwell K’ing after that. The Raccoons took a 1-0 lead on a Ramos single to right in the bottom 3rd. Mark Walker overran the ball, and the error allowed Marsingill to score from second base, where Ramos would set up his tent. From there, Zeltser plated him. Wallace also singled, but Zitzner and Jennings grounded out to end the inning at 2-0. Marsingill’s double off the fence in left plated Reichardt with another run in the fourth inning, though.

Now, Bernie was on a 4-hit shutout through five innings. That was it for the good news though – it was a laborious outing, and while he whiffed six batters through five innings, the Titans also squeezed him tight for 88 pitches offered in those five innings. He would probably not get past the sixth – and didn’t. He issued another 18 pitches in the inning, losing Rhett West in a full count, and battling Walker to a 7-pitch strikeout. It was a valiant and successful effort, but we still had to find another nine outs before we could take first place. Also, his spot came up in the bottom 6th, with Reichardt, Thompson, and Marsingill aboard and nobody out, courtesy of a walk and two soft singles. Manny Fernandez chucked into an out at home. Ramos popped out. Zeltser flew out to center. Nobody scored. ………. Uh-oh…

All those missed chances started to come back to haunt pretty soon. The seventh went uneventfully by us, but Prieto walked Keith Spataro to begin the eighth and when Garavito replaced him he served up a bomb to Willie Vega. Say, Cristiano, how is it that OUR batters can’t get the damn ball outta here?? And Valdes wants to build this place even bigger?? And they call ME the nutjob here??? … Garavito found a way out of the inning, but the cushion was gone in a 3-2 game and the Critters didn’t knit a new one, either. Chris Wise faced the bottom of the order in the ninth after pitching two outs for the win the previous day. Missteps would not be tolerated…! He struck out Gonzalez. Gil flew out to Juan Camps in left, Wallace dismissed for defense. PH Jamie Richardson was the Titans’ last straw… and hit a first-pitch homer to right. I couldn’t believe it. No. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t. Cristiano. Do something. Do somebody, something. No. No. No. No. No. it can’t. No.

And yet, it was. The lead, specifically, and gone, to be precise. Moises Avila grounded out, the fans still chirped, but it all sounded so far away now. I held on to Honeypaws for dear life. Zitzner got nailed by Tim Zimmerman, who also walked Jennings, with two outs in the bottom 9th, but Reichardt struck out and the game went to extras, where Wise whiffed Spataro before David Fernandez cocked up the whole game with a 4-pitch walk to Vega and a double surrendered to Lessman. Blair came on, struck out West, then had Clay Walberg at 1-2 with two outs. Walberg, 25, looked and sounded like a random audience member tasked by Dan The Man’s uncle Monty with picking between 500 bucks, a red envelope, and whatever was making weird roaring noises behind that glittering curtain. He still hit that 1-2 pitch, into the gap, for a double, two runs scored. It was the final two runs of the game. 5-3 Titans. Zeltser 2-5, RBI; Wallace 2-4; Reichardt 2-5, 2B; Marsingill 3-3, 2B, RBI; Hawkins (PH) 1-1; Chavez 8.0 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 7 K;

Everything lost its color. And its sound. I saw Cristiano talking to me. But I couldn’t hear him. His red wheelchair looked gray. The brown couch looked gray. The bottle of Capt’n Coma looked gray.

The second bottle did as well.

Raccoons (76-64) @ Loggers (62-78) – September 9-11, 2033

Smitten, the Raccoons arrived in Milwaukee to face the second-worst offense and the fourth-best pitching once more. They were likely to find a way to pack some more sad-sack losses despite having already taken the season series, 10-5.

Projected matchups:
Mario Rosas (15-8, 2.26 ERA) vs. Cody Chamberlin (7-9, 3.64 ERA)
Jason Gurney (1-1, 2.51 ERA) vs. Philip Rogers (5-4, 5.40 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (10-10, 3.53 ERA) vs. John Nelson (10-12, 3.33 ERA)

Only right-handers to appear for Milwaukee in this set.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – 2B Stalker – CF M. Fernandez – C Tinnin – P Rosas
MIL: RF Valenzuela – 1B Wheeler – SS W. Morris – C Canas – 3B Meehan – CF Will Ojeda – LF S. Wilson – 2B R. Rios – P Chamberlin

Rosas continued to be utmost pedestrian and conceded two runs in the second inning on rockets by Jamie Meehan for a leadoff single and then right away a Will Ojeda RBI double. Ojeda would come around on a sac fly eventually, while the Coons had yet to swing the sticks in a convincing manner, but then again hadn’t done so in about eight weeks. In fact both teams had an extremely slow day at the plate. The Loggers didn’t threaten again until the sixth, where Rodrigo Canas would hit a 2-out RBI single to left, scoring Danny Valenzuela, who had actually reached base on a Zitzner error. The sole meaningful piece of hitting the Raccoons had done in the meantime had been a solo homer by Tim Stalker in the fifth, proving that it was not technically impossible for the Raccoons to hit a dinger, it just goddamn felt that way. After Manny Fernandez hit a leadoff double in the top of the seventh, Chamberlin struck out the next three batters, dealing with that threat decisively. And after decidedly less than two-and-a-half hours, the game just unceremoniously ended. The Raccoons had just run out of chances to limply poke at tardy baseballs. 3-1 Loggers. Wallace 2-4; M. Fernandez 2-4, 2B;

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – 2B Stalker – CF M. Fernandez – C Thompson – P Gurney
MIL: RF Valenzuela – CF Will Ojeda – SS W. Morris – C Canas – 1B O. Huerta – LF N. Baker – 3B Sessoms – 2B R. Rios – P Rogers

Lo and behold, the Raccoons scored a 3-spot in the second inning. Tim Stalker hit a homer for the second straight day and this time made it count for two by collecting Zitzner, and Manny Fernandez doubled after that and scored on a 2-out single by Gurney. That was also the only useful thing the bottomless, spineless, worthless scum Gurney did in the game. He had already cocked up a run in the first inning, conceding an 0-2 single to Danny Valenzuela, who advanced on a walk drawn by Ojeda, stole third, and scored on Morris’ sac fly, then came back for more in the bottom 2nd. Nick Baker led off with a single, but was forced out by Aaron Sessoms, while Robbie Rios flew out to center. With two outs, the ****ing opposing pitcher singled. And with two strikes, too! Valenzuela hit an RBI single, 3-2, and Ojeda hit a 3-run homer, 5-3 Milwaukee. Gurney walked Morris, allowed a single to Rodrigo Canas, then was removed to be dissolved in an acid bath, including his stupid Coons cap. Anaya replaced him, walked Omar Huerta to fill the bases, but Nick Baker flew out, keeping it a 5-3 game… for now. Rios hit a 1-out single off Anaya in the bottom 3rd, stole second, and made it to third while Rogers grounded out. Valenzuela hit an RBI single, stole second, was balked to third by Anaya, who walked Ojeda, and when Morris grounded to Zeltser, he threw the ball away to score another run and further extend the inning. After an RBI single that Canas ripped in a 3-1 count, the Coons gave up. Anaya was shoved into the by now bodyless acid bath, his stupid cap, too, and the game was handed to garbage disposal assignee Carlos de la Cruz. Huerta popped out to end the third of three miserable innings so far.

Sadistically, de la Cruz, who was listed in the “pillow filling” category of the organizational scouting report as late as August, pitched ten outs for the cost of one run – back-to-back base hits by Ojeda and Morris in the fifth. But then again, even allowing another 17 runs wouldn’t have mattered, because with the three runs from the second inning, the Raccoons had fulfilled their daily quota and weren’t going to do anything else. It was 9-3 when de la Cruz was done at the end of the sixth. This drought lasted into the eighth when Rafael Zacarias walked Wallace and Zitzner to begin the inning. Jennings fanned. Stalker slammed a 3-run homer. Maybe the entire team should have some of his ****ing Chocolate Chocs with piece of chocolate in it for breakfast…! It was too short a season though; Max Nelson replaced Zacarias and got Marsingill and Thompson non two pitches total… The ninth didn’t go much better than that against Alex Banderas and his 5+ ERA… 9-6 Loggers. Stalker 2-3, BB, 2 HR, 5 RBI;

The Titans, by the way keep winning and winning.

And I keep drinking and drinking. (leans slumped over the counter in a shady bar in Knuckletown, Milwaukee) Keep pouring it, Bill. – Fine, Gus. Keep pouring it anyway. Make me another one of those that you light on fire before I drink it. – Because I want to feel something, anything, inside by broken body.

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – CF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 2B Stalker – CF Reichardt – C Thompson – 3B Hawkins – P Sabre
MIL: RF Valenzuela – LF Will Ojeda – SS W. Morris – 1B Leftwich – C J. Young – 2B O. Freeman – CF S. Wilson – 3B R. Rios – P J. Nelson

The Raccoons needed Sabre to step up and stop the hemorrhage. He hit Ojeda in the first, allowed a single to Jeremy Leftwich in the second, and two singles, including to Nelson, in the third, but somehow tip-toed around any sort of lasting damage… while Nelson was perfect the first time through the lineup. Fernandez’ 1-out single in the fourth was the first base runner for the melting road team. Wallace forced him out, but Zitzner walked, moving a runner into scoring position… but Stalker grounded out to third base to end the top 4th. Sabre allowed another pair of singles in the bottom 4th, but Leftwich and Steve Wilson were stranded. The Coons’ second hit … was also a Manny Fernandez double, with two outs in the sixth, and Wallace flew out to Valenzuela in deep right. That sort of game. – Pour it, Gus, pour it!

We remained scoreless through six, and through seven, too. John Nelson was out of breath after seven and replaced by Max Nelson, who struck out the bottom of the order. Sabre was sent back out for the eighth inning and retired the 1-2-3 batters in order. Still on score. Alex Banderas handed the Coons more desolation in the ninth inning, and Leftwich knocked out Sabre with a leadoff single in the bottom of the ninth. Ramon Rodriguez ran for him, while the Critters turned to John Hennessy. He struck out PH Omar Huerta, then got Mike Wheeler to ground to short… and Ramos threw the ball away. Two on, one out for the next pinch-hitter, Rodrigo Canas. He homered on the first pitch. 3-0 Loggers. M. Fernandez 2-4, 2 2B; Sabre 8.0 IP, 7 H, 1 R; 1 ER, 0 BB, 1 K, L (10-11);

In other news

September 5 – The 20-game hitting streaks of OCT OF/1B Drew Olszewski (.267, 6 HR, 47 RBI) and NAS 1B/3B Chance Bossert (.330, 2 HR, 62 RBI) die on Monday. Both go 0-for-4 in losses for their teams.
September 5 – SFW 1B Kevin Harenberg (.311, 13 HR, 91 RBI) is out for the season with an oblique strain.
September 6 – The Crusaders literally walk off against the Canadiens, 6-5 in 12 innings, with VAN MR Casey Glenn (1-1, 2.66 ERA, 2 SV) offering a quartet of walks to New York batters in the bottom of the 12th. Jorge Zamora (.241, 3 HR, 50 RBI) draws the final walk to end the game.
September 9 – The Capitals lose INF Rich Falzone (.258, 10 HR, 57 RBI) for the rest of the season. The 26-yearold infielder is out with a broken finger.
September 11 – DEN SP Mike Hodge (4-6, 3.05 ERA) 3-hits the Stars in a 7-0 shutout.

Complaints and stuff

Sic transit gloria mundi. – I don’t care, whether you like it or not, Slappy, I want it on my headstone.

Drowned out in the ecstasy that was Wednesday were the major league debuts of the two afterthoughts in the pen, Carlos de la Cruz and Justin LeDuc, who were sparingly applied to a total of three batters when the Coon were hopelessly behind by two runs.

The Titans series saw every team blow at least one lead in the eighth inning or later. Some teams blew two such leads, but we won’t name names now.

And that was of course before the Loggers series. Oh dear. The Loggers series.

Team (Record) – Remaining Games – Strength of Schedule – Playoff Chance
BOS (79-63) – IND (4), NYC (4), CHA (3), MIL (3), OCT (3), POR (3) – .506 – 85.8% (+30.8%)
POR (76-67) – IND (4), ATL (3), BOS (3), LVA (3), NYC (3), VAN (3) – .480 – 11.9% (-30.9%)
IND (73-69) – BOS (4), POR (4), MIL (3), SFB (3), TIJ (3), VAN (3) – .521 – 1.2% (-0.7%)
NYC (72-69) – ATL (4), BOS (4), MIL (4), LVA (3), POR (3), VAN (3) – .473 – 1.1% (+0.8%)

All the dreams are dead. Next week will start with an off day, then the Elks… there might be room for a death knell there. On the weekend: the Aces.

Fun Fact: Three years ago today, Dave Garcia hit three home runs in the Thunder’s 12-2 trouncing of the Falcons.

He has not played major league ball this year after hitting .238 with 3 homers for the Cyclones in his age 37 season. 2030 was his last strong season indeed. He batted .310 with 29 homers for Oklahoma. Led the CL in slugging, homers, and RBI, and didn’t fall that far short of a triple crown. He won a batting title once, with the Bayhawks, in 2018. Twice he was the Player of the Year (2017, 2018), and an All Star ten times.

For his career he batted .287/.353/.478 with 338 HR and 1,320 RBI. In total he had 2,450 base hits. But if Jonny Toner made the Hall of Fame, then Dave Garcia has a chance – he too had his career derailed entirely by injuries. Just three times he managed to appear in 150+ games. If he had been healthy and durable like, say, a Matt Nunley, he would be a lock for the Hall of Fame.