Courtesy warning: if you’re reading this to your children to make them fall asleep, you are advised to skip the entirety of the Elks series and go right to the Buffaloes set. 
+++
I took another curious look at the note with the address, then looked at the building again. This was it. This was the address that Maud had given me. A fantastically fancy, relatively new apartment building on the west side of Portland in an otherwise sparsely built up hillside area. I also let my trusty stuffed toy raccoon Honeypaws take a look at the note, then shrugged and went inside. There was a guy behind a white marble counter eyeing me briefly before typing something into his computer. In at least three corners there were tiny red lights blinking in dark corners – security cameras for sure. I had to take the left-hand elevator, Maud had stressed, so I went to that one and pressed the button with the upwards pointing arrow – the only one available – then waited.
After the Raccoons had suffered the mother of all sweeps in Boston (30-2 in terms of runs in case you partially or wholly erased the ghastly memory with self-medication of your choice), the team had gone north of the border to play the abominatious Elks. Of course, I was still not allowed back into Canada, stemming from an incident in the 80s when I had ripped an Elks cap from a kid’s head in a waterfront park in Vancouver and had stomped on it. The hat, not the kid. Still, the Canadians were kinda weird with being cruel to children. The authorities, not the team. Although, that too. Anyway, several illegal border transgressions for important business since then aside, I had not accompanied the team to Vancouver in decades, and usually watched in horror from my couch at home.
But not this time. I just couldn’t be alone. Unfortunately, few of the people I considered friends or something like that were available to watch the game with. Steve from Accounting had gone fishing, which I didn’t remember him ever mentioning to enjoy. Maud had left town to visit her mother, which I found weird since I’d swear she had been to her funeral at least twice in the past. I was also fairly sure that both our lazy janitor Slappy and glue-sniffing mascot boy Chad actually lived in Raccoons Ballpark, so there was no visiting them. The Druid and our scout, that guy with his name, were obviously in Canada with the team. That only left – oh, the elevator finally arrived, it was all fancy white inside – one person. There was also only one button inside the elevator. Nowhere but “^” from here, apparently. I pushed that, held on to Honeypaws with my left hand and to a small bag with a change of clothes and various pills – whatever I had been able to find and what would mix well with booze – in my right hand.
Man, this elevator was moving upwards *forever*.
When it finally arrived at “^”, the doors opened with a gentle whirr and allowed the occupant to step out into a very short sort of hallway that was dimly lit. There was but one door on the other end with a lit buzzer next to it. Honeypaws pressed that with his front paw. Within seconds, the door was opened by a young man that was about 6’4’’ and … well, we were both sort of surprised apparently. He by the sudden, unannounced appearance of an old man in a well-worn jacket, and I was sort of taken by his flowing blond locks that fell to the shoulders and were the only hair on an otherwise clean-shaven body. He only wore a black thong that seemed unnecessarily tight at first glance, and a white bowtie around his neck.
I’m… I’m sorry. I am looking for Senor Carmona. Is he home? – Mr. Westfield, it is.
The hunk turned around and said to somebody inside that Mr. Westfield was here, which immediately caused some thing or other to collapse with great noise, and after a second of silence I could hear Cristiano’s voice, but couldn’t understand what he was saying, but the towering hulk soon stepped out of the door and lowered his head slightly to allow me inside.
“Senor Westfield, what a surprise!”, Cristiano said with actual, genuine surprise in his voice. He sat in his wheelchair in the middle of a giant living room, mostly white, and next to him was a pile of several bars and straps that all had collapsed on top of each other. In his lap he had a brown bag with something inside that had the size and general shape of a bottle of booze, but I couldn’t be sure of that. I wasn’t sniffing the booze, though… Although – that wasn’t … Say, Cristiano, that is not your wheelchair, isn’t it? Yours is black and white, and this one is pink! – Oh, I see, you have more than one.
Only now I noticed the view from the panorama window opposite the apartment door. You could basically see the entirety of Portland, lit up as the night was just about to take over for the day. This view is spectacular, Cristiano!
Cristiano hushed something to the hulk, whose name was apparently Gustaf, to remove the things on the floor to the annex, then rolled up to me at the window. “How may I help you, Senor Westfield?” – Well, for starters, you could tell me where NWSN is on this 140-inch TV so we can watch the Raccoons game together…!
Raccoons (9-15) @ Canadiens (7-18) – May 3-6, 2032
The damn Elks were just as ravaged as the Raccoons were. They were the only team to be bludgeoned for more runs by the opposition (precisely six per game), and were ninth in runs scored, which put them ahead of the Critters, 3.8 runs per game to (gulp) 3.4 runs. The season series in 2031 had gone 10-8 in favor of the Coons, but after last week’s disaster I was not going to take anything for granted, and a series with the damn Elks especially…
Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (2-1, 5.33 ERA) vs. Fernando Nora (0-2, 6.75 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (0-1, 2.51 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (1-3, 8.10 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (1-3, 5.84 ERA) vs. Victor Govea (1-3, 6.15 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (0-2, 7.48 ERA) vs. Jeremy Truett (0-3, 6.34 ERA)
We would miss their only lefty and only decent starter, Steve Corcoran (2-2, 4.42 ERA), the beer league guy, in this set.
Going by the starting pitching on offer, this looked a lot like a relegation playoff set between the Calcutta Lepers and Jerusalem Barefoots.
Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Hall – RF Wallace – 1B Howden – 3B Perkins – CF Braun – C James – P Gurney
VAN: 2B Morrow – CF LeJeune – RF I. Vega – 1B D. Fisher – SS Bennett – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C van der Hout – P Nora
While Cristiano vanished with Gustaf in another room for a brief moment, me and Honeypaws got comfortable on the black-and-white couch that somehow felt weird and watched the pregame show with the Raccoons’ broadcast duo that was also still visibly spooked from the Boston Experience. When Cristiano rolled back into the living room, my keen eye noticed he had changed to the wheelchair he came to the ballpark with. He rolled up to me and pointed to the couch, advising me that I had to move over. But why, Cristiano, I’m comfy here! – Okay, show me. … I switched over to the middle seat, leaving the right one for Cristiano, who pushed himself from the wheelchair to the cushion I had just been made to vacate – the only seat that was not partially blocked by the glass table in front of the couch. He turned the wheelchair around so that the low backrest pointed away from him, then threw his limp feet onto the seat before reclining in the couch. … Oh, so that’s why. Say, what’s this couch? It feels weird. – They make zebra leather couches??
Nah, I’d stick with the brown couch in the office. And the Raccoons would stick to sucking the fun out of baseball. Gurney, who came in with an ERA over 12 in his last few starts, was clubbed for a leadoff double by Eric Morrow, then an RBI single by Ivan Vega in the first, then a leadoff single by Matt Anton and a 4-pitch walk to Alex Torres, who was otherwise more or less over the hill of being a productive player in the second. The runners were in scoring position for Morrow, who clipped a 2-out single up the middle to plate them both and give the damn Elks a 3-0 lead after two innnigs. I clutched Honeypaws for strength. Trying to be a good host, Cristiano offered me a drink, and that I could order anything with Gustaf. I told Gustaf: “The hardest thing you have”, to which he replied that he seriously doubted that.
Turned out, Cristiano only had wine at home, which was hardly going to keep my system at operating temperature, but sometimes one had to make amends. Besides, I still had a few pills to spice up my glass o’ wine with. – Hey, Gustaf! How about some snacks over here? … Gustaf nodded, then asked Cristiano wanted anything, to which Cristiano answered: “Gee, I’d really like some nuts now…!” – Before long, there was a bowl of mixed nuts between me and Cristiano, and each of us held a glass of Chardonnay. There were some painkillers floating in mine. That was roughly around the time Donny van der Hout rocked a 2-run homer to left off Gurney, running the tally to 5-0 in the bottom of the fourth, a point at which Fernando Nora was pitching a no-hitter. Gurney managed to stay alive for five, then was pinch-hit for with Wilson Rodriguez, who was himself in a fatal stall where his performance was concerned, but at least broke up Nora’s bid with a soft liner over Morrow for a 1-out single in that sixth inning.
Come the seventh, Gustaf sat to my left with his own glass of Chardonnay and manicured his fingernails, which was not disturbing at all to me and Honeypaws. The Coons, meanwhile, had runners on the corners and no outs after back-to-back leadoff singles by Nate Hall and Jimmy Wallace! But now…! Now they’d surely end a 24-inning scoreless drought! They did so in the most unhelpful way, aided by the fact that their most unhelpful player was at the plate. Jarod Howden, the dumb pig, took a 2-0 pitch and spanked it at Morrow for a quick 4-6-3 double play. Hall scored, but the damn Elks were counting outs rather than runs, and the Coons had only seven outs left to make up four runs. And, well, the sure got the tying run to the plate real quick…! Nora was still pitching in the eighth while Cristiano and Gustaf were discussing whether they’d visit the farmers’ market on Wednesday. Giovanni James led off the inning with his first jack as a Critter, a no-doubter to left, prompting spontaneous toasting and cheering on the zebra couch. Preston Pinkerton – entered in a double switch – walked, moved up on a wild pitch, but Ramos was also walked. Stalker singled to left, and that brought up Nate Hall with the tying runs board and no outs, in other words: they had us right where they wanted us. Nah, not this time. Hall doubled to left, plating two to get to 5-4, and with that the Elks’ pen got involved at a frantic pace. Wallace struck out, Howden walked, and Perkins grounded to Morrow, but they couldn’t turn two and Stalker got across with the tying run. Unforunately, this forced out our most reliable reliever, David Fernandez, who had entered in the double switch earlier, to get Travis Zitzner to the plate, who, facing righty Matt Tillman, stupidly popped out on the first pitch, stranding runners on the corners in a 5-5 tie. And who’d pitch now? This was not a question of “best option” for the Coons who came out of Boston where they’d been stuck 30 runs in three days. It was more about, who had a pulse. We had to go to Hennessy, the 6.97 ERA be damned.
So we used that guy for two innings, which was good enough to send the game to extras, which was bad enough since we had basically nobody left besides Chris Wise. Nate Hall got on in the 10th but was stranded against Raul de la Rosa, so the Critters had to abuse Hennessy for a third inning, which still didn’t permit the damn Elks to win the game, something even two innings’ worth of Chris Wise could not achieve. Berto reached base in the 12th, but got absolutely no help from the 2-3-4 crew. Wallace was walked intentionally with Ramos on second, and of course Logan Bessey would then strike out Howden, the dumb pig. Top 13th, Perkins (infield single) and Pinkerton (walk) reached base. In between, Wise struck out bunting, which was helpful. I was firmly annoyed, while Gustaf was firmly asleep with Honeypaws pressed against his hairless chest, his blondly locked head resting on my left shoulder. Come the bottom 13th, come Mauricio Garavito. He allowed a 1-out single to T.J. Bennett, then walked Anton. Alex Torres, who had a golden sombrero at this point, flew out to Pinkerton, two down. Fernando Garcia, their primary catcher, was next, ran a full count, then hit a bloop to shallow right. Wallace coming in, coming in… too late… the ball was in, Bennett had been halfway to third base when Garcia made contact, and scored handily, ending this ballgame. 6-5 Canadiens. Hall 3-6, 2B, 2 RBI; Perkins 2-6, RBI; Rodriguez (PH) 1-1; Stone 1.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K; Hennessy 3.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 3 K; Wise 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K;
Okay, Cristiano, where do I sleep? – Yeah, one’s own bed is the best bed, but it’s late and I don’t like driving late at night, and are there muggers out here?
While I watched Cristiano fix a bed for me in the guest room – Gustaf was still asleep on the couch and couldn’t do it, and neither could I wrestle Honeypaws from his clutch – I tried to orchestrate roster moves.
Through no fault of his own, John Hennessy was sent packing after this game. The pen was so thoroughly shot, words could not describe it, and we had to rotate a fresh arm in. Same with Nick Bates. We called up earlier discard Matt Stonecipher, who had spent all of 2031 in the minors walking 42 batters in 54 innings between AA and AAA, and who had 58 walks in 75 innings at the major league level, but who was rested and ready, as well as former starter Trevor Draper. That latter one was more a despair move… there were no clever arguments for adding him except that he could eat innings, perhaps.
Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Perkins – LF Hall – RF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 2B Marsingill – CF Braun – C Wool – P del Rio
VAN: 2B LeJeune – 2B Morrow – RF I. Vega – 1B D. Fisher – SS Bennett – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C van der Hout – P J. Martin
Back to the Chardonnay; Gustaf, wearing a golden thong that was much less concealing the shapes it tried to cover, was cranky because we had to watch the game yet again, so Cristiano sent him to bake cookies, which was a splendid idea. Who didn’t like cookies!? … Probably these Raccoons and Elks. The Coons didn’t seem to be into everything anybody would enjoy, like GOOD PITCHING, while the damn Elks were tasteless top to bottom without question.
Both teams stranded two in the opening frame, but the first marker on the scoreboard would belong to the brown team for once (and for the first time since Vegas), when Justin Marsingill opened the second with a double to right, advanced on a grounder, and then came home on Josh Wool’s sac fly to center. Bottom 2nd, Matt Anton opened with a double, Torres singled, and they were on the corners. This was one of those spots where a young pitcher could learn to buckle down and get the bottom of the order without conceding anything! And Ignacio did! Van der Hout popped out, Martin whiffed, but Torres had stolen second by now. Ah, just get rid of Jesse LeJeune and - … and LeJeune singled, two runs scored. He then stole second and scored on a Morrow single. Morrow then stole second and scored on an Ivan Vega homer that Nate Hall didn’t have to bother to run after, and that gave the damn Elks a 5-1 lead… I turned to Cristiano. Say, Cristiano. What do you regret most in life?
Alex Torres’ solo homer made it 6-1 in the third, and that new relief would probably soon get involved. While the Raccoons were not nearly threatening on their own in the fourth inning, Gustaf appeared, wearing an apron with little duckies on it and asked whether we needed anything. – Gustaf, can you pitch? – No? How about swinging a stick? – Yeah, I also think that would be more up your alley, with that physique. – What is it, Cristiano? Why are you laughing into the pillow?
Del Rio was removed for Tim Stalker to pinch-hit when the Elks manufactured a chance for them with two outs in the fourth. Zitzner had reached on an error, and Martin walked Braun and Wool. That was perhaps the last chance to come back, so Stalker took a bat… and flew out to Vega. Now, why was Anaya coming in? Apparently, the plane with the relief relievers had been caught in a storm and had been diverted to Manitoba.* The Raccoons had only five relievers, most of them gassed, available. Victor Anaya pitched into the fifth, where Nate Hall robbed a homer from Alex Torres, which didn’t matter much given how the Elks still rapped out a double, two triples (all three over the head of Braun), a single, got a walk, and a Ramos error to boot, before – with five on the board and more on base – Anaya claimed a “sore heel” and got the **** outta there. Stone got five outs for the second day in a row, so we wouldn’t see him so soon, and then we still had to feed a southpaw to the lions by pitching him a third straight day.
Just as Wilson Rodriguez drove in a useless unearned run with a pinch-hit double off the fence in the seventh, Gustaf returned with a bowl of cookies, announcing they were still warm and, looking at Cristiano, some were indeed hot. Cristiano smirked until he looked into the bowl, then asked in an annoyed tone whether Gustaf really had to use that particular cookie cutter. Gustaf replied he thought Cristiano liked those. I looked into the bowl. The shape of the cookie really looked like nothing to me. What is it, Cristiano? Some sort of Christmas ornament? Like two baubles next to a candy cane? – Yeah, I thought of something like that. … They were delicious though, something to take into your mouth with delight! Other than the Coons, who provided no delight. Travis Zitzner homered off has-been Chris Sinkhorn in the eighth, and that was it for this game… 11-3 Canadiens. Rodriguez (PH) 1-1, 2B, RBI; Stone 1.2 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K; Garavito 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;
We amounted to four hits in this game, and that was … a bit less than the damn Elks, who by the way hung us with our seventh loss of 8+ runs on may 5…
I was invited to join the trip to the farmers’ market, but declined. I didn’t feel well around produce. I also had to do business with Vancouver. I called the Druid, who assured me that Anaya’s heel was fine, that he had been warned not to fake another injury or he would be treated with stink beetle paste (it probably had the name for a reason), and that the Manitoba-bound pitchers had arrived early in the morning and were available for the Wednesday game. Good, good – with Rico Gutierrez pitching, every arm had to be on deck! Well, except for Garavito and Stone, who were both completely shot.
My hosts returned for lunch, Gustaf pushing Cristiano who had two huge bags with produce in his lap. Apparently there had been a lot of broccoli offered at the market. – What’s for lunch again? – Ah. Broccoli.
Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – CF Hall – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Rodriguez – 3B Marsingill – C James – P Gutierrez
VAN: 2B Morrow – CF LeJeune – RF I. Vega – 1B D. Fisher – SS Bennett – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – P Govea
Rewarded with a start, Wilson Rodriguez drove in two in the opening inning when the Coons put up some 2-out terror against Govea. Hall walked, Wallace singled, there was a wild pitch, and then another walk in a full count against Zitzner. Wilson’s well-placed single into shallow center provided a lead for Rico Gutierrez to blow sooner rather than later. Maybe rain would do him in ahead of time. It had started to pour in Portland in the evening, and rain was in the forecast for Vancouver, too. There were some drops in the second inning, but neither that did hurt Rico, nor the damn Elks. Instead, Hall reached base in the third and was brought around when Jimmy Wallace hit one over the fence in right, his second homer of the season and that was also only the second Raccoon (after Perkins) to reach double digits in RBI. Oh well, it’s only May… Further, Gustaf asked me whether we were actually rooting for the brown team. Of course we were, I replied with righteous indignation. Who else would we root for?? Gustaf said he preferred the Canadiens’ reddish-pink uniforms. No wonder. They had the same color as his thong du jour.
The Critters led 4-0, but that was nothing that Gutierrez couldn’t blow. I was watching him closely while I was sprucing my Chardonnay with some harder liquor I had ordered for express delivery in the morning, and pills against diarrhea, no idea where those even came from. He was allowing line drives aplenty. Stalker swiped one, and Rodriguez caught two, and also a fly by David Fisher on the warning track, but Rico nursed a 2-hitter through four innings. Maybe, for once, it would all be well…!
I had to be new around here. While Gustaf shook his head and resorted to doing yoga or whatever in front of the window during the middle innings, something Cristiano keenly watched and took a few snapshots of with his phone, the sixth inning saw things getting dicier for Gutierrez. Micah Massey batted for Govea leading off and drew four straight balls. Morrow right away hit a clean single. Oh boy! Here it comes! I tried to grab Honeypaws, but instead only caught Cristiano’s left hand. Didn’t matter – squeeze it! LeJeune popped out. Vega hit a liner to left – but Wallace was there! Would we actually get out of – nah. At least not Gutierrez. He walked Fisher, which brought up the tying run in Bennett, and we wanted a right-hander. Which meant Wise … or Stonecipher. Here the Coons counted on the fact that the Elks had no up-to-date scouting report on Stonecipher, who hadn’t pitched in the majors since 2030. He had Bennett 1-2, then gave up a grounder to left. Marsingill, to first – out! Staggeringly, the Elks could not come through in the seventh, either, which Stonecipher and Draper shared, while Gustaf’s exercise was over and he announced he’d take a shower now. Cristiano suggested that he use the special oil in the green bottle with the flowery smell. He’d like that. … Well, I’d like a win here! The Coons got a tack-on run in the eighth through no fault of their own as Matt Tillman walked Hall, Wallace singled, and Zitzner hit into a double play. Hall scored when Tillman uncorked a wild pitch. Rodriguez struck out – and that was the final act in the game. The rain had picked it up in the previous minutes and the umpires brought on the tarp in the middle of the eighth. They never lifted it again and called the game after just under an hour of waiting. 5-0 Furballs! Hall 1-2, 2 BB; Wallace 4-4, HR, 2 RBI; Gutierrez 5.2 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 3 K, W (2-3);
Cristiano and Gustaf both went to bed while I was still waiting for the game to be called. Oh ye faithless! Finally the NWSN guys briefly came back to announce that the game was indeed in the books and the Raccoons had ended their 6-game spill. Never mind that they were 4-12 for their last 16.
While I was getting ready in the bathroom I heard thumping noise from Cristiano’s room. My way to the guest room brought me by his door and there the noise was even louder and more disturbing. Finally I heard Cristiano say, subdued, but insisting, that it was too big and he should pull it out now. He sounded like he needed help, so with a firm hand I opened the door and found him lying in bed comfortably in a brightly lit room, while Gustaf, still in the thong, tried to knock an anchor into the wall above the bed, but the diameter of the anchor and of the hole were not conforming to the task.
I wished them a good night.
Next day at breakfast, the final day of my visit, Gustaf reminded Cristiano that today was the day for which they had sent out invitations. – What, are you having a party? – What means “sort of”? How do you have a “sort of” party? - … Cristiano would try to explain to me that it was more of an informal get-together of like-minded individuals, thinkers with a free spirit, so to say. – So it’s not a costume party? I haven’t been to a costume party in ages! – So *some* wear costume and some … don’t? – I am intrigued, and I am sure you can make it work around me and the game on NWSN in the living room!
Game 4
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Hall – 3B Perkins – 1B Howden – RF Rodriguez – CF Braun – C James – P Sabre
VAN: 2B LeJeune – 2B Morrow – RF I. Vega – 1B D. Fisher – SS Bennett – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – P Truett
For the first time in a long while, the Raccoons had an almost fully rested bullpen at their disposal. Also, despite some consideration, the costume party was not called off by my hosts, and guests were expected to arrive at eight, roughly three innings into the game. That was well after the Coons loaded the bases with straight 1-out singles in the opening frame. Of course, it also brought up Howden to bat, so only the worst would happen here. Like Cristiano slapping my hand when I reached into one of several bowls with cookies and other refreshments, advising me that I had to wait for the other guests to arrive. Howden knocked a 1-1 pitch to right, it hit Perkins in the leg, the runner was out and the ball bounced right to Morrow, who could have turned two, but of course it was a dead ball. Stalker scored, but... Oh, Howden – YOU DUMB PIG!! But the Coons were not done singling Truett to death – Rodriguez, Braun, and James ALL hit RBI singles, running up a 4-0 score, before Sabre flew out to center. It didn’t take long for the damn Elks to get a chance at damage. Anton walked with one out in the bottom 2nd, and a Torres infield single and another walk to Garcia filled the bases. Truett fell to two strikes, but hit a sac fly to Nate Hall, but LeJeune’s comebacker short-circuited the inning and kept the Coons ahead, 4-1. They just came back in the third when Sabre nailed Morrow, Fisher walked, and Bennett hit an RBI single, 4-2. Fly outs ended the inning, the Coons came back to bat, and then first guests came just as I returned from a bathroom break. Cristiano opened the door wearing a dark mask, but otherwise he was dressed normally in his black-and-white wheelchair. And so was, well… Gustaf. Today, wearing a bright red thong and a matching bowtie. Also, a red line painted diagonally across his face. Cristiano let in the guests; a bearded, middle-aged man with a wide girth wearing what to me looked like a wizard’s outfit, and a second man, younger, wearing black shorts and a black blindfold over his eyes. He was also crawling on all four paws and was led on a leash by the older man, who kissed Cristiano’s right hand twice as they entered. I puffed Gustaf in the elbow, which required some reaching up. Those must be those free thinkers, huh? … Gustaf didn’t respond with anything. He just put his index finger over his lips as if to silence me. Well, that wouldn’t work!
By the fifth inning, I sat between the bearded wizard and his … “companion” on the couch. His companion behaved like a dog and had himself rolled up with his head on my leg, which was uncomfortable, and probably for both of us. Cristiano, Gustaf, and two other guests – one a straight-dressed banker type in his 30s that looked too much like no-nonsense to fit in here, and the other, an older woman with thick red hair in a purple cloak everybody only addressed as “Madam” – were loosely sat around the table and discussed in serious tone a new ointment Madam was developing that was supposed to be pain-soothing, while the Raccoons slowly accumulated on base. Stalker hit a double. Hall walked. Howden was walked intentionally after a Perkins groundout. Two outs and bags piled up for Wilson Rodriguez. As Madam expressed that she had good mantra today and would now draw a personal luck card from her customized deck, Jeremy Truett threw the 0-1 pitch to Rodriguez. The blast to center was massive, and the ball was never seen again – GRAAAAAAAAND SLAAAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!
Turns out, jumping up and screaming while Madam mixed her deck was bad timing. I was immediately accused of disturbing the spirits, and my jump had scared the **** out of dog man and he fled to the corner, where he was now cowering over a self-made wet spot. By the bottom of the fifth I was silenced with a yellow silk cloth firmly wrapped around my mouth and Madam read in my hand to find out what the **** was wrong with me while the wizard hell me still and Gustaf cleaned up after dog man, who was now kneeing next to Cristiano’s wheelchair, with his head resting on Cristiano’s right knee. She didn’t take long to find out that I had no joy in my life and was frequently not sleeping well. She and the wizard were discussing back and forth a bit before by the seventh inning the banker type chimed in. He stood up, bade for silencio, and then pointed directly at my face, expressing slowly that I was not pure, and a ritual had to be performed. Then he sat down and closed his eyes while his facial muscles twitched. Cristiano nodded and agreed and that we had to cast lots. Gustaf reached for one of the bowls of snacks on the table, under which there was a small black box that he opened. It contained a number of simple wooden tokens, painted black. Gustaf gave one to everybody except for me and dog man, who apparently also wouldn’t get to cast a lot, but the damn Elks got a run off Sabre in the seventh. One after the other, Madam, the wizard, the banker type, Gustaf, and finally Cristiano, spoke a formula in a foreign language, then finished with “I cast my lot”, and put their token in front of me. – So, do I win?
In the following second, the Wizard and Gustaf grabbed my arms and dragged me from the couch to the open space near the panorama window. With the assistance of Cristiano and Madam they tied my hands behind my back, tied my feet together, and then blindfolded me with more silk cloth. Then it seemed like they moved in circles around me – at least I heard steps and a faint ticking noise that Cristiano’s wheelchair made in motion that circled around me – and chanted, before moving on beating the demons out of me with pillows. According to Madam it was a tedious process, because there were so many demons in me and there had been demons in me for such a long time. After an eternity and very abruptly they let go of me and without another word seemed to leave the room. All but dog man. At least I assumed it was dog man who started licking my face at this point. Uhm? Hello? Did at least- … did at least the Raccoons win…?
8-4 Raccoons. Stalker 2-4, 2B; Perkins 2-5; Howden 2-4, BB, RBI; Rodriguez 3-5, HR, 5 RBI; Braun 1-2, BB, RBI; James 2-4, RBI; Sabre 8.0 IP, 7 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, W (1-2);
Come Friday morning, I found myself in bed in the guest room. Apparently, somebody, likely Gustaf, had carried me in there. We had breakfast, with Gustaf and Cristiano smirking at each other nonstop, and then Gustaf drove me to the airport since I had to get Kansas pronto.
Raccoons (11-17) @ Buffaloes (14-13) – May 7-9, 2032
The Buffaloes had the fewest runs scored in the Federal League and ranked fourth in runs allowed, but that gave them a -11 run differential that didn’t gel well with their winning record. Oh well, like the Coons needed to throw dirt. According to a Pythagorean record table, we were square at the bottom of the league with our -59 run differential… The Buffos has won the most recent meeting between these teams, two games to one, in 2030.
Projected matchups:
Tom Shumway (2-3, 6.25 ERA) vs. Joe Jones (1-2, 2.41 ERA)
Jason Gurney (2-1, 5.91 ERA) vs. David Elliott (4-2, 3.63 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (0-2, 5.19 ERA) vs. Nick Danieley (1-2, 2.54 ERA)
Two left-handers and a right-hander in this series.
Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – RF Rodriguez – LF Wallace – CF Braun – C James – P Shumway
TOP: SS Majano – 3B Hansen – RF P. Sanchez – 1B Barber – LF E. Rendon – 2B Schuler – CF K. Hess – C Castillejo – J. Jones
For a pleasant surprise, Tom Scumbag didn’t explode on contact. In fact, neither team got a limb up against the opposing pitcher in the early innings, both amounting to only one hit and mostly soft contact. The Coons went on to waste a leadoff double by Stalker in the fourth inning, but the Buffaloes threw away leadoff singles by John Hansen and Pablo Sanchez in their half of the fourth inning, too, being retired on a soft liner and two pops.
New inning, new chance for the Critters! Jimmy Wallace opened with a double to center, raising his average to .313 not that it translated into many RBI still. Both Braun and James coaxed walks to fill the bags with nobody down, but up was the pitcher Shumway, 0-for-11 this year and a .122 hitter lifetime. He had not landed an RBI since *2029*. Here, he struck out, while Ramos hit into a double play… Alright, booze! Where can I get a drink in here?? Bottom 5th, Shumway allowed a leadoff single to Ken Hess, then walked Adrian Castillejo. When Jones bunted foul for a strikeout, the fool would have thought that Tom Scumbag was now going to take the break and find a way out of the inning. I was sure that doom was coming this time, and it came. He walked John Hansen. He walked Sanchez with the bases loaded, 1-0 Buffos. Matt Barber chipped in a 2-run single before Edwin Rendon hacked out. It almost looked like too little, too late when Justin Perkins hit a solo shot in the sixth, but the Coons’ pen managed to tie down the Buffos after Shumway’s demise and Portland scratched out another run on a Ramos Special in the eighth inning, Perkins getting another RBI, his 20th, with a sac fly. And then, of all people, it was ex-Coons to starve what rally there was in the Critters. Josh Boles took over the eighth with his 8.00 ERA and ended it. And Jonathan Snyder pitched a quick and painless ninth. 3-2 Buffaloes. Wallace 2-4, 2B; Draper 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;
Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Hall – 3B Perkins – RF Rodriguez – 1B Zitzner – CF Braun – C Wool – P Gurney
TOP: SS Majano – 3B Hansen – RF P. Sanchez – 1B Barber – LF E. Rendon – 2B Schuler – CF K. Hess – C Castillejo – P D. Elliott
Randy Schuler’s double and Ken Hess’ single in the second inning put the Buffaloes up 1-0, while David Elliott retired the Critters in order the first time through. Barber and Rendon would go to the corners with leadoff singles in the fourth, but only one of them scored on a Schuler groundout, 2-0. The Raccoons still had to reach base, with Ramos having lined out to two different outfielders and two other flies having been caught right at the fence… and while Wilson Rodriguez hit a single in the fifth after 13 straight Critters had been retired, leaving David Elliott decidedly half-perfect, Gurney shed another run in the bottom 5th on Elliott’s leadoff single (oy!), Zitzner failing to dig out Alex Majano’s bunt (oy!!), and then a few well-placed outs. It wasn’t that Gurney was horrendous. In fact between him and Elliott there was not much difference. Both had few strikeouts, couldn’t get a 2-strike pitch swung and missed at, and surrendered mostly soft contact. The difference was that the Buffaloes got the ball to fall in, and the Coons definitely didn’t. Gurney lasted seven and trailed by three, while Topeka out-hit the Critters 9-1. It was that sort of game. One team had all the luck. Top 8th, leadoff single by Rodriguez! Now the rally could sta- and Zitzner hit into a double play. Adam Braun flew into the gap… and was robbed by Sanchez. Elliott finished with a 2-hit shutout, whiffing seven in the end. 3-0 Buffaloes. Rodriguez 2-3;
Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – CF Hall – 3B Perkins – LF Wallace – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – C James – P del Rio
TOP: SS Majano – 3B Hansen – RF P. Sanchez – CF E. Rendon – 1B Barber – 2B Schuler – LF Reyna – C Castillejo – P Danieley
Ramos hit a leadoff double in the first, finally a bright blip on an otherwise dismal week for him, then was stranded by the inept batters after him. The miserable Raccoons could not even buy a break when del Rio hit a leadoff single in the third inning. Ramos popped out foul, and Stalker spanked into a double play. At least the Buffaloes had yet to wake up and stomp another pitcher into the mound; against del Rio they had only one base hit through three innings, and then the Coons finally scored a damn run when Rodriguez doubled in Hall in the top of the fourth. Young Ignacio held up through five on a 3-hitter, and now we just needed an insurance run or two or four.
Top 6th, Stalker opened with a leadoff double to left-center. Hall was walked intentionally for a double play chance, but Perkins’ grounder yielded only a fielder’s choice and gave Jimmy Wallace runners on the corners. He hit a ball past a diving Randy Schuler for an RBI single, 2-0, and they were still on the corners for Wilson Rodriguez, who had defrosted at record pace and had gained nearly 80 points of batting average compared to Monday morning, but now gave some back with a run-scoring groundout to John Hansen. Wallace went to second, then scored on a sharp Howden single to left, 4-0. Giovanni James hit another rocket, but that one landed in Danieley’s mitten as if attracted by magic, ending the inning. del Rio surrendered a triple to Sanchez in the bottom 6th, but the veteran and sure-as-heck future Hall of Famer also hurt himself on the rough slide and had to be replaced by Yasuhiro Kuramoto, who was left stranded when Rendon popped out.
Top of the seventh, del Rio began with a clean single to left-center before Ramos legged out an infield single and Stalker knocked a clean one to right. Three on, no outs, and it had gone so fast that the Buffo’s bullpen was not ready yet. He walked Nate Hall on four pitches to plate another run before being replaced by right-hander Mike Willis, and would be charged another run on a sac fly by Perkins, 6-0. Ignacio continued to pitch without much panic through the seventh and eighth and was allowed to begin the ninth, however – he would face the meat of the order and he was already at 98 pitches, so relievers were standing by and would probably jump in relatively soon. Kuramoto grounded out to Stalker. Del Rio rung up Rendon. Barber singled to left on pitch #105. Okay, last batter would be Schuler, a .173 batter, and they’d have a left-handed bat in Miguel Reyna up after that. So Schuler or bust for del Rio bidding for a shutout. Schuler cracked the first pitch to left, chasing Jimmy Wallace back, and further back, and further back – and … and he had it! Catch on the track, and game over!! 6-0 Critters! Ramos 3-5, 2B; Stalker 2-5, 2B; Hall 1-2, 2 BB, RBI; del Rio 9.0 IP, 6 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 5 K, W (1-2) and 2-3;
In other news
May 3 – Aces and Bayhawks play 16 innings before Las Vegas prevails, 5-3. Key to the 2-run top of the 16th is a triple by LVA SS Ted Schlegelmilch (.364, 0 HR, 2 RBI) who enters the game as defensive replacement and goes 2-for-3.
May 3 – ATL SP Justin Osterloh (2-1, 2.15 ERA) is expected to miss two months with acute elbow soreness.
May 4 – Boston will be without C David Lessman (.302, 1 HR, 8 RBI) for about six weeks. The 32-year-old backstop has suffered a lat strain.
May 4 – LAP INF Ben Cook (.238, 2 HR, 9 RBI) plates five runs on two hits and two walks as the Pacifics down the Warriors, 14-5.
May 7 – DEN 1B/OF/2B Tyler Miles (.357, 2 HR, 11 RBI) has hit in 20 straight games following a 2-singles effort in a 6-3 win over the Bayhawks.
May 8 – Denver’s Tyler Miles (.349, 2 HR, 11 RBI) has his hitting streak end at 20 games after the Bayhawks hold him and the rest of the Gold Sox dry in a 4-1 San Francisco win. Miles gets only three at-bats as replacement in an 18-inning marathon that sees long man DEN MR Dan Jerge (1-2, 4.76 ERA) unhorsed by his own catcher, Jeremiah Brooks’ throwing error.
Complaints and stuff
Second career win, first shutout – I don’t know many pitchers to get an ol’ SHO so fast as Ignacio did on Sunday! In doing so he also shed a one and three quarters of a run off his ERA. Ah, early season wonders!
Wilson Rodriguez went from bench piece to a .409 hitter with a dinger and TEN ribbies on the week. He had a hit in every game except Friday, and tacked 205 points onto his still meek OPS. His nine hits this week are more than he had in all of April (7).
The hypothesized 4,600th regular season win did not materialize. Next week, we’d need two from the Warriors and Crusaders to get there.
Also interesting – will I be able to look Cristiano in the eye when I get home to Portland?
Fun Fact: The Buffaloes series was the first of the season in which the Raccoons scored at least two more runs than the opposition.
Previously we had gone +1 on the Titans to start the season (oh, those were the times!) and +1 as well on the Aces last week. There are also a couple of ugly numbers in play that I will not repeat again.
*Or some idiot wrote too much nonsense and forgot to put them on the roster.