[cknox0723]

And speaking of the American League's Western Division...somehow, it's still June 1st and we're beginning a four game set with the 38-14 juggernaut of Seattle.

S-Bomb!

Crap. Well, at least it's at home, where we're almost competent. But don't forget - we're 1-15 against the AL West. But to be the eternal optimist - if we win one game in this series, our winning percentage against our Western brethren will creep ever so closer to .200!

That's pathetic. What the heck am I thinking?

Ah, enough of that - all we can really focus on is today. And we have a chance today, since it'll be a match of fifth starters. And while I don't know what to expect from Jon "Shrinking Man" Rauch, think back to his debut. That was a fine, fine performance. And his counterpart, Jason Young, is a turkey (a scurvy knave might be more appropriate), carrying an ERA over six and a penchant for allowing screaming line drives.

A record crowd (for us, at least) of around 15,000 settles in as The Hypothetical Power Forward finishes his warmups and settles in to face leadoff hitter Chris Snelling. Rauch misses badly with his first two pitches, allowing me to start thinking about covering my eyes, but his third pitch is a breaking ball that ties Snelling up pretty well. He fists a comebacker right to Rauch, and there's one out. Doug Mientkiewhatever grounds out to Brad Fullmer at first on a 3-1 pitch, and Man-Beast Adam Dunn strikes out on three pitches. Jon Rauch - major league pitcher.

A couple of groundouts are sandwiched around one heck of catch by Chris Snelling in foul territory, and Jason Turkey gets through the first unscathed.

Cleanup hitter Ichiro! (cleanup hitter Ichiro!? ) starts off the second by grounding to second base for the first out, but Rauch's next pitch is a hanger. Rich Aurilia is all over it, hitting a shot down the third base line, but Joe Crede makes a diving stop and rifles a bullet across the diamond to nail Aurilia by a step. It's apocalyptic, in a sense - I just clapped for Joe "Bonehead" Crede. Every dog has his day, I suppose. The rapidly aging, slumping Robin Ventura flies out to center field and the inning's in the books.

Brad Fullmer leads off the bottom of the second inning with a base hit up the middle, and of course he's got the green light on the next pitch, for Joe Borchard is the next batter. Incredibly, J.Y.'s first pitch is the deuce, and that allows Fullmer enough time to beat Dan Wilson's throw down to second. Even more incredibly, Borchard works the count to two-and-one and actually moves the runner up with a ground out to second base. See, he may be hitting .188, but he knows how to hit behind the runner, damn it! That's the kind of stuff that you can only see if you watch the...oh, never mind. Hacktastic Julio follows, and being the ungulate that he is, he takes a 1-2 slider right on the inside half for strike three. Son of a gun. But in some sense, it's OK, because Young complains of arm trouble after the pitch, and after a long conference, he's removed from the game. Normally, I'd be sad that The Turkey wouldn't stay in to be pummelled, but seven and a third is a long time for any bullpen to go. Unfortunately, Rafael Soriano comes in, and after 1000 warmups, Joe Crede digs in. He somehow works the count full, and, since he's a Bonehead, sits waiting for a fastball on the 3-2. But that's exactly what Soriano goes with, and Crede clobbers it to deep left. But being as he's Joe Crede, he gets under it, and Adam Dunn tracksit down near the wall. But it's encouraging that Joe Crede resembles a baseball player today.

Rauch retires Ramon Santiago and Dan Wilson on ground balls to start the third, but that brings up the pitcher. Based on past events, I'm kind of worried about Raffy Soriano going yard, but Bob Melvin absolutely stuns me by sending up Carlos Lee to pinch-hit. Lee strokes a single to left, ending all delusions of no-hitters and grandeur, but Chris Snelling grounds to short two pitches later and...Julio Lugo bobbles it. Hacktastic Julio may be a tasty nickname, but I'm starting to call him Frigging Lugo more often. Doug Mientkiecrap follows with a lined single up the middle, and I want to throw something. I half-expect Adam Dunn to launch a 900 foot home run just to push me to the verge of homicide, but instead he pops out. Can a 27 year old be the Rookie That Plays Surprisingly Well?

Ben Weber comes on for the third inning, and though feared batters like Piazza and Rauch actually make solid contact, we go down in order.

Rauch continues to make me shake my head in amazement by retiring Ichiro! on a comebacker to start the fourth and getting the next two batters, Aurilia and Ventura, to hit fly balls to Borch in center field. But D.Y., Mags, and nickname-less Brad Fullmer go down quickly and quietly in the bottom half. Maybe facing this Seattle bullpen for seven and a third won't be the most fun in the world?

Facing the bottom of the order, Rauch makes a nice pitch on 3-2 and then makes a nice play, snaring a hard-hit shot back through the box off the bat of Ramon Santiago. Dan Wilson pops out to left, but rookie pinch-hitter Ryan Church cracks a double to right-center. I send Jamison Bryan out to the mound at that point and tell him to say something like, "Go right at that sum'bitch, Rauchy", and The Hypothetical Power Forward responds, inducing Chris Snelling to hit an inning-ending can o' corn to Mags.

Chad "Best Career ERA of All Pitchers with a Last Name Starting With 'Z'" Zerbe, a southpaw, comes into the game for the fifth. He walks Joe "6-56 against lefties" Borchard on five pitches to commence the inning, and I can almost smell the runs. But then Julio Lugo comes up, and I can almost envision the double play. Instead, he walks. Hey! He walks! I've been wanting to write that sentence for a couple of weeks now! Lefty Destroyer Joe Crede comes up, and I'm thinking it's time for a three-run jack. But he falls behind one-two and takes an awkward feminine cut at a fastball to strike out. What the heck is going on? To further my confusion, Mike Piazza follows, takes a couple of pitches outside the strike zone, and hits a rope to center field. But Ichiro! displays his world-saving techniques with a sliding catch, and I curse the influence of Japanese baseball. With two outs, two on, and the pitcher's slot up, I decide that I've got to lift Rauch, just as in his first start, but Brian Buchanan flies out to center field. Suddenly, I'm not feeling so confident about this one.

Lefties galore are due up for Seattle in the sixth, but Mike Gallo just doesn't have the proverbial "it", and puts a couple guys on before surrendering a run-scoring double off of the right field fence to Rich Aurilia. The next batter is left-handed Robin Ventura, and he puts a 2-0 hanger over the wall in right to make the score 5-0.

We finally get on the board in the bottom half when Magglio and B.F. (worst. nickname. ever.) knock consecutive two-out doubles to opposite sides of the ballpark. But Joe "Rally Killer" Borchard grounds out to third to end whatever minimal threat we have, and we enter the final third of the game trailing by four.

A combination of Gallo and Joe Roa manage to get through the seventh, and with the six-seven-eight hitters due up for us, I'm actually hoping that we go down in order so Roa can go another inning. Of course, Mike Piazza picks this time to draw a two-out walk, and not wanting to quash even a minor threat, I do what I'm impelled to and insert Jeremy Reed to pinch-hit. He quickly falls behind 0-2 against Julio Mateo, but hangs tough and works the count even. Mateo's 2-2 offering is a high slider, and Reed crushes it to deep right-center, but Chris Snelling crashes into the wall to make a catch that my description doesn't do justice. Damn.

Why do we have to play these freaking AL West teams anyway?

P.J. Bevis, my main man, comes in for the eighth since everyone else is pretty much dead, and despite making an error, he's thoroughly dominant and needs just eight pitches to get through the inning. The top of the order's up in our half of the inning, and if we're ever going to win this game, this is our chance.

Ramon Vazquez draws a leadoff walk, but we go down in order after that. Bevis rolls through the ninth, but 'Tavio Dotel comes in for a four-run save...oops, just to get work, I suppose. He's not at his sharpest, to say the least, and we manage to load the bases with the lugnuts of Julio Lugo, Joe Crede, and Enrique Wilson, but with two outs, representing the tying run, Ramon Vazquez grounds out to first and we can't pull off the comeback.

SEA 5 CHW 1

WP: R. Soriano (1-2) - 0.1 IP (he left in the third when it was still scoreless, so I guess the win goes to the first reliever in that case. that's weird - I didn't know that)
LP: J. Rauch (1-1) - 5 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 1 K (thanks, Julio! keep up the butchery!)

Game Ball Goes To... Jason Young, for getting hurt and allowing real, live major league pitchers to defeat us. I would've hated to lose to The Turkey, anyway.