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COLIN COWHERD ON THE 1928 AL PLATINUM STICK AWARDS
“Alright… let’s just get this out of the way:
The American League in 1928 didn’t play baseball — it played fireworks.
These numbers aren’t stats. These are crypto charts. These are lottery numbers.
This is the most absurd offensive environment I’ve ever seen.
The commissioner said ‘season of offensive excellence.’
No. No.
This was NASA with batting gloves.
This was exit velocities that should require government clearance.
Let’s go through the winners, because every single one of these guys put up numbers that would get you banned from MLB The Show for cheating.”
CATCHER – Mauro Polidori, Blue Jays
“.404 average, 73 homers, 216 RBIs… from a catcher.
This is not Johnny Bench.
This is not Pudge Rodriguez.
This is a Bond villain with shin guards.”
FIRST BASE – Josh Curtis, Astros
“.480.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
145 homers.
343 RBIs.
Folks — that’s not a baseball season. That’s a Big 12 offensive coordinator.
Josh Curtis is basically ‘points per game.’”
SECOND BASE – Scott Starrett, Blue Jays
“Look, second basemen used to be these scrappy, 5’9”, hit-and-run guys.
Starrett hit 76 homers, 259 RBIs, and scored 243 runs.
That is three positions worth of offense, wrapped into one guy with a middle-in fastball allergy.”
THIRD BASE – Alejandro Rivera, Yankees
“100 homers, 295 runs scored, almost 270 RBIs.
You know how hard it is to hit 100 in Yankee Stadium with that short porch?
This guy hit 100 like he was ordering appetizers — just casually.”
SHORTSTOP – Victor Yáñez, Mariners
“Shortstops used to be the quarterback of the defense.
Yáñez is the quarterback of the Olympic shot put team.
133 homers. Nearly 300 RBIs.
Seattle didn’t win games — they bludgeoned franchises.”
LEFT FIELD – Kenny Van Cleve, Astros
“112 homers, 280 RBIs…
I’m sorry, are the Astros hitting in a ballpark or a pinball machine?
This is Houston’s identity now:
‘Launch the baseball into orbit. Repeat.’”
CENTER FIELD – Gilberto Cisneros, Tigers
“You want balance?
Tigers had the best center fielder in the AL, and he’s basically a Marvel character.
109 homers, 296 RBIs, didn’t even look sweaty.
This is what a World Series team looks like.”
RIGHT FIELD – Reynaldo Mendez, Indians
“Cleveland quietly produces a guy who hits 95 homers and steals 25 bases.
That’s not a season — that’s an entire franchise rebuild in one stat line.”
DESIGNATED HITTER – Ethan Williams, Red Sox
“Ethan Williams hit .472 with 123 home runs and 306 RBIs.
Boston missed the playoffs with that guy.
If I’m a Red Sox fan, I’m tearing down Fenway myself.
This man put up numbers that deserve a parade, and the team went 83–79.”
FINAL TAKE
“This is the new American League.
These aren’t hitters — these are commodities.
This is the most explosive offensive collection the sport has ever seen.
You’re not winning divisions anymore with pitching.
You’re not winning with defense.
You’re not winning with prospects.
You’re winning with artillery.
You’re winning with launch angle astrophysics.
And the Platinum Stick winners?
These are the guys redefining the sport — one 500-foot missile at a time.”
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