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DA SUPERFANS POSTGAME SHOW — LIVE FROM WAVELAND AVENUE, CHICAGO, ILLINOIS!
Sponsored by Ditka’s Polish Sausage Emporium — “When you’re losin’ by 9, at least ya got sausage.”
BOB:
Alright, welcome back, folks. We’re talkin’ Cubs baseball, and lemme tell ya — woof! What a doozy at da Friendly Confines today.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Da Cubbies go down to da Pirates, thirteen to eleven! Thirteen to eleven! That’s not a baseball score, that’s a Bears-Packers halftime!
BOB:
Yeah, yeah, da game starts off, Pirates up four-nothin’. I’m thinkin’, “Here we go, same ol’ Cubs.” Then BAM! Cubbies explode like Ditka after a parking ticket — eleven runs! ELEVEN!
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Yeah, dey put up eleven runs faster than I can eat eleven brats. You’d think that’d be enough, right? WRONG.
BOB:
Wrong! Da bullpen comes in — and folks, I say this with love — they blow it like da ’85 Patriots defense.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Seven runs! Seven runs in da eighth inning! I seen better containment from a deep-dish pizza box.
BOB:
I tell ya, da Cubs bullpen — it’s like da heart of a Bears fan in January. Fulla hope… then shattered.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
What went wrong? Everything! Da pitchers couldn’t find da plate, da fielders looked like they were allergic to ground balls, and da manager — I dunno what he was doin’, maybe orderin’ Giordano’s.
BOB:
And credit where it’s due — dat Isidro Pruneda guy from da Pirates? Big three-run bomb in da eighth. Ball’s still travelin’. I think it landed somewhere near Sheboygan.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Oh yeah, that guy’s killin’ us! He’s like da Reggie Jackson of da Allegheny. And Justin Woodfin — four hits, three runs, two RBI — guy’s hittin’ like he just saw Ditka in da on-deck circle.
BOB:
Meanwhile, our boy D. Quiroz? Tripled, homered, drove in two — good effort! But da rest o’ da pen, fuhgeddaboudit.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Lemme put it this way: if da Cubs bullpen was runnin’ da sausage grill, we’d all have salmonella.
BOB:
Now da series is two games to one in favor of Pittsburgh. Tomorrow’s do-or-die at Wrigley.
DA BEARSSS GUY:
And I got faith, Bob. Cubbies come back tomorrow, win it big. I’m callin’ it right now: Cubs 23, Pirates 2.
BOB:
Dat’s bold. Who ya got startin’?
DA BEARSSS GUY:
Doesn’t matter. Could be Fergie Jenkins, could be Ditka, could be a guy grillin’ kielbasa behind home plate — Cubs in five!
BOB:
Cubs in five!
BOTH:
DA CUBSSSS!!!
(Cue polka music and a slow zoom on a half-eaten sausage as they chant “Cubbies, Cubbies, Cubbies”)
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