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[Scene: The SNL “Superfans” are at their table in Chicago, chompin’ on Polish sausages and washing it down with a couple’a cold ones.]
Bill Swerski:
Alright, gentlemen — today’s topic: Da Cubbies vs Da Pirates — Game One o’ da Division Series. Cubs fall 6–5 in a heartbreaker at PNC Park. Tough one, fellas. Tough one.
Todd O’Connor:
Yeah, Bill, dat one hurt more than da time I got my mustache caught in da deep fryer.
Carl Wollarski:
Now don’t get me wrong — Cubbies hit da ball pretty good. Fourteen hits! But you can’t leave eleven guys on base, Bill. Eleven! That’s not baseball — that’s a buffet line!
Pat Arnold:
And dat Pittsburgh guy — what’s his name? Croak?
Bill:
Croke. Matt Croke.
Pat:
Yeah, him! He went three-for-four, homer, double, three runs scored — guy’s playin’ like he’s Honus Wagner after eatin’ a kielbasa sandwich.
Todd:
I tell ya, Croke’s hittin’ everything in sight. Meanwhile, our guy Tommy Fleming’s out there throwin’ meatballs like it’s the Italian Fest in Wrigleyville.
Carl:
Hey, hey, respect da man — he gave up six runs but at least he didn’t walk da bases loaded like da Bears do every offensive possession.
All together:
Da Bears!
Bill:
Now lemme say dis — Esteban Rivera? Da kid’s got pop! Two-for-five, another dinger in da ninth. He’s hittin’ .471 this postseason! You give him a sausage and a lawn chair, he’s Babe Ruth!
Pat:
Yeah but it’s like dis, Bill — da Cubbies always tease ya. They get close, they get ya heart racin’, then BOOM — Pirates score two in da seventh and next thing ya know, you’re drownin’ your sorrows in a bucket o’ cheese fries.
Todd:
I’m still confident, though. I got Cubbies in four. Da Pirates are due for a collapse. You can’t spell “Pittsburgh” without “burp,” Bill.
Bill:
Good point, Todd. And da weather in Pittsburgh? Forty-eight degrees, wind blowin’ left to right. Dat’s practically tropical for a Chicago boy!
Carl:
Loder got da win for da Pirates, but let’s be honest — guy threw ninety pitches like he was tryin’ to hail a cab in rush hour.
Pat:
Hey, as long as da Cubs bring da bats tomorrow and somebody tells Fleming to stop servin’ up softballs, we’ll be fine.
Bill (raising his beer):
Here’s to Game Two, boys. Cubbies bounce back, Rivera goes deep again, and we even it up before headin’ back to da Friendly Confines.
All together (chanting):
Da Cubbies! Da Cubbies! Da Cubbies!
Todd:
Prediction time, Bill — Cubs win 9–3. Rivera hits two bombs, Padillo drives in four, and Matt Croke goes back to workin’ at Primanti Bros. where he belongs.
Bill (nodding):
I like it. Cubbies in four. And if not… well, at least we still got—
All together, triumphantly:
DA BEARS!
(camera zooms out as the Superfans continue eating sausages and arguing over which Chicago team would win in a cage match with Mike Ditka.)
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