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[Scene: A smoky Chicago sports bar, a big platter of sausages on the table. The “Superfans” are gathered around, decked out in Cubs and Bears gear.]
Bill Swerski:
“Alright, welcome back to ‘Cubs Talk with Da Bears Guys’ — I’m Bill Swerski, here with my good buddies, Carl, Todd, and Pat. And today, gentlemen… da Cubbies have done it!”
Carl:
“DA CUBS!”
Todd:
“DA CUBS!”
Pat:
“CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! They beat da Atlanta Braves, five to tree, takin’ da Wild Card series, movin’ on to face… da Pittsburgh Pirates.”
Bill:
“Now lemme tell ya somethin’, fellas. Evan Balliett — da kid was dealin’. Seven innings, four hits, two runs, no walks. Guy looked like a young Greg Maddux out dere. Except with more hair.”
Carl:
“Balliett was hittin’ spots like Ditka hittin’ a bratwurst buffet. Precision, poise, perfection.”
Todd:
“And don’t forget Esteban Rivera — da MVP of da series! Hit .500, couple’a doubles, a dinger, three ribbies. Dat’s what we call clutch. Like Walter Payton, but with a bat instead of a football.”
Pat:
“You know, I was a little worried in da eighth inning when da Braves’ catcher, Carranza, hits dat solo shot — boom! — and I’m thinkin’, ‘Uh-oh, da Cubbies are gonna Cub again.’ But nope. Zeitlin comes in, shuts da door. Lights out.”
Carl:
“Da Braves? Fuggedaboutit. They tried, but it’s da Cubs’ year, baby. Rain, wind blowin’ in, doesn’t matter. You can’t stop destiny — and you sure as heck can’t stop da Cubs when da sausage vibes are strong.”
Bill:
“Alright, let’s look ahead here. Next up — da Pirates. Now, historically, Cubs vs. Pirates is like Bears vs. Packers, except da Packers are… slightly less annoying.”
Todd:
“Prediction time, Bill. Cubs in four. Rivera hits two bombs. Balliett throws another gem. And Wrigley’s gonna be rockin’ so hard, it might tip over into da lake.”
Carl:
“I’ll go one better — Cubs sweep da Pirates, go on to da World Series, and finally… finally… we can all die happy, surrounded by Polish sausage and championship glory.”
Bill:
“Da Cubs… da Cubs… da Cubs!”
All together:
“DA CUBS!!!”
(They clink their beer mugs and take a massive bite of sausage as the camera pans out to a mural of Harry Caray and Mike Ditka high-fiving over Lake Michigan.)
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