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Baltimore Orioles: 6th ALCS appearance
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[In the unmistakable, exasperated-yet-smug voice of Elaine Benes, fresh off waving her Orioles cap in the Yankees’ owners box... again:]
Well, well, well... look who’s going home early... again.
The mighty New York Yankees—all that pinstripe pride, all that tradition, all that "27 rings" talk... and here come the Baltimore Orioles, swooping into Yankee Stadium like a flock of smug, playoff-tested birds, and sweeping the whole series like they’re cleaning up after a parade that never happened.
Yankees? Eliminated.
Orioles? ALCS bound, baby. For the SIXTH time.
And me? Sitting in Steinbrenner’s luxury box, wearing my Orioles cap like a crown of truth. TAKE THAT, STEINBRENNER!
Let’s talk about Kazuhito Kawakami—this guy was everywhere. He hits .583 in the series like it’s no big deal, gets on base more than a turnstile at Grand Central, and oh yeah—he hits a home run in the first inning of the clincher. I mean, if this guy were a sandwich, he’d be a footlong with extra MVP sauce. They gave him the series MVP, which is nice, but I say build the man a statue in Camden Yards yesterday.
And that pitching—hello, Albert Garay! Seven innings, one run, just totally silencing the Yankee bats like a librarian with a grudge. You wanna know how many runs the Yankees scored in this game? One. In an elimination game. At home. That’s not October baseball, that’s like... mid-April in Tampa Bay baseball.
Meanwhile, the Orioles? All business. Kawakami with the blast. Hemphill with a clutch RBI. And in the ninth? Alfonso doubles, Kawakami walks—because he’s a gentleman—and Hemphill drives him in. It’s a 2-1 game and Baltimore says, “Thanks for playing, now show us the way to the ALCS.”
And let’s just take a moment for that Yankee crowd... 42,997 fans sitting in that cold Bronx wind, bundled up in their Judge hoodies and Jeter nostalgia, watching their season end with a double play and a shrug. It was like watching someone realize their Uber rating dropped—just total devastation.
So here we are. Yankees out. Orioles marching on. And me?
I’m gonna wear this Orioles cap all the way to the ALCS. Maybe even to the grocery store. Maybe even to a Yankee Tavern. What are they gonna do—throw me out?
Because this isn't just baseball...
This is justice.
This is poetic.
This is... BALTIMORE, BABY!
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go call Jerry and scream "SWEEEEEEEEP!" into the phone.
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