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Dallas Stars: 9th Stanley Cup Finals berth
1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1997 1998 2000 2002
DALLAS STARS AT CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS — OCTOBER 14, 2002
Written in the style of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys
Alright boys, lemme tell ya what the frigg just happened ‘cause this was one of the craziest hockey–I mean baseball–games I’ve seen in my life. Stars and Blackhawks, Game frickin’ 7. Winner goes to the Stanley Cup Finals or whatever they call it in baseball... but it’s still called hockey for me, so I’m callin’ it that.
Dallas wins the goddamn thing, 12 to 7. BOOM.
I mean holy frick, boys, the Stars came out swingin’ harder than I did at the guy who stole my smokes that one time behind the bowling alley. They scored 5 runs in the first inning! FIRST FRIGGIN’ INNING! Chicago starts some jabroni named Bautista, and Dallas just lit him up like a grow-op on Christmas Eve. Guy pitched less than a whole inning and gave up 5 runs and 2 frickin’ homers. What a mess.
And Brayden Friggin’ Grubin, man... this guy's playin’ like he’s got frickin’ superpowers or somethin’. Two more homers tonight, drove in 3, went 3-for-5. I mean, they gave him MVP for the series and that’s a no-brainer. He hit .407, launched 8 bombs, and scored 12 times. That’s not baseball. That’s like some cheat-code video game bullcrap, boys.
Also gotta give props to his brother R. Grubin—3 more hits, scored twice, stole a base. Dude’s fast as frick. Probably coulda outrun Randy after eatin’ a dozen cheeseburgers. And Jabiri and Costanza both launched one too. Costanza’s hittin’ .400-something like it’s easy. It’s not easy! I tried tee-ball once, got smoked in the nuts.
And Chicago, they didn’t totally sh*t the bed. I mean Bedard tried to save their arses—3 hits, a homer, 2 RBIs. Dude’s been tearin’ it up all playoffs. I’d put him on my team any day. Foligno and Read each had bombs too, but their pitching was worse than Lahey on a Sunday bender. Total garbage.
They went through four pitchers, gave up six homers. SIX. That’s not how you win Game 7s, boys, that’s how you end up in the offseason early, sittin’ at home eatin’ pizza rolls watchin’ reruns of Knight Rider.
So now the Stars move on to face the New York Rangers in the Finals. It’s a rematch of a couple years ago when Dallas beat ‘em, and I hope they do it again. I like their style. Just go out, smoke a bunch of bombs, try not to frick up too much. Real greasy hockey—er, baseball.
Final Thoughts from Ricky:
Player of the Game: Brayden "Frig Off I’m a Machine" Grubin
Game Length: 3 hours and 55 frickin’ minutes. That’s longer than most of my court appearances.
Attendance: 41,527 people got their frickin’ money’s worth.
Next Stop: Stanley Friggin’ Cup... wait, I mean World Series or whatever. Doesn’t matter. Dallas is movin’ on and that’s what counts.
Alright boys, I gotta roll up a celebratory joint and maybe throw a party in the shed. Stars are goin’ to the dance, and I’m not missin’ it.
Let’s go Stars, frick yeah!
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