[jg2977]

DALLAS STARS AT CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS — OCTOBER 10, 2002
Written in the style of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys

Holy frigg boys, this one was a friggin’ barn burner right here, I tell ya! The Dallas Stars rolled into the United Center with their hockey bags packed with dynamite and kaboom, they blew the friggin’ doors off the Blackhawks in Game 5, 11 to friggin’ 5! That’s more goals—I mean runs, sorry, I keep forgettin’ this ain’t hockey—than I’ve got cats.

So Amenzu Jabiri, right? The dude’s friggin’ on fire, boys. I mean, this fella went 3-for-3, had a triple and a dinger, scored 3 times, walked twice, didn’t even strike out. That’s like playing the perfect game if you ask me. And get this—he’s batting friggin’ .489 in the playoffs. That’s not human, that’s like cyborg levels of awesome. He’s got 10 home runs now! TEN, boys! That’s more than Julian drinks a week! Well... maybe not more, but close.

The game was tighter than Lahey’s liquor stash until the 7th inning, right? Then Edgar “Don’t Call Me Eduardo” Casteneda put the ball in play and the Blackhawks made a big ol’ error, frigged it right up, and Dallas snuck in a run. After that it was like the floodgates opened and Dallas just kept pummelin’ ‘em, like Ricky on a vending machine that eats his loonie.

And holy frigg, Georgie Costanza—no relation to the fella from Seinfeld, I don’t think—but he went off too. 3-for-4, 2 RBI, a double, a homer... that’s Grade A baseballin’ right there. R. Grubin had 2 hits too, even though he struck out three times... which is friggin’ impressive in a weird way, kinda like when Julian drives with one hand and still holds his drink.

But the real story here, boys, was the Stars’ bats. I mean, they spanked that Chicago pitching staff like they stole somethin’. V. Sanchez gave up back-to-back bombs in the 8th—one to Montez and then right after to Jabiri. Like pow! pow! Right in the kisser! That poor guy probably wishes he was back in AAA right about now.

Kunisada got the win for Dallas, finally pitched decent—went over 7 innings, gave up 3 runs, struck out 7. Not bad for a guy who’s been kinda all over the place. I mean, his ERA still looks like the price of a medium pizza, but tonight? He held it down.

Chicago did have a few nice swings—Bedard had 3 hits, Foligno smoked one into the seats, even ol’ R. Sanchez and Hextall went deep in the 9th—but by then it was too late. Like trying to plug a leaky roof with duct tape, boys... it just wasn’t enough.

Now Dallas leads the series 3-2, and the next game’s back in Big D. Saturday night. American Airlines Center. It’s gonna be friggin’ wild, boys. If Jabiri keeps playing like friggin’ Babe Ruth with wheels, the Blackhawks might be packing their bags and heading home cryin’ to their moms.

Alright, I’m gonna go feed my kitties and try to calm down. My heart’s beatin’ like a jackhammer right now. Friggin’ great ball game.

Player of the Game: Amenzu "Friggin’ Beast Mode" Jabiri
Attendance: 41,950 crazy friggin’ fans
Weather: Cold enough to shrink yer nips off — 47°F, wind blowin’ in
Time: 3 hours and 34 friggin’ minutes of madness

Peace out, boys.