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NHL News
(Cue Doc Severinsen and the band, trumpet blares, Carson strolls out to applause)
JOHNNY CARSON:
Thank you, thank you very much! You're a lovely crowd... Either that, or you’re all Canadiens fans in shock. Heh heh heh...
Did you hear about this? The Montreal Canadiens — no, not the hockey team, apparently someone in the front office realized baseball exists too — have signed Jacopo Peterman to a two-year extension worth $35 million a year.
That’s right. Thirty-five million! A year! For two years! That’s not a contract, that’s a ransom demand!
(rimshot)
Now, Peterman — and this is true — has had a .388 career batting average, over 3,300 hits, and 1,177 home runs. I mean, forget Cooperstown, they’re clearing a spot on Mount Rushmore.
But here’s the catch — some fans are a little worried... about his age. Yeah. They’re saying he might be past his prime. In baseball terms, that means he’s got more cortisone in him than Gatorade.
(audience laughter)
Now, look, I don’t want to say he’s old, but when he started playing, the bases were still made of stone tablets.
(groans and laughs)
No, seriously — Peterman’s still got it. They say during batting practice, the balls leave the stadium so fast they have to warn low-flying satellites.
But hey, whether he delivers another MVP season or throws out his back swinging at a changeup — one thing’s for sure: at $35 million a year, he’s not the only one feeling the pinch.
(grins, points to Ed McMahon)
JOHNNY: Right, Ed?
ED MCMAHON: You are correct, sir!
JOHNNY: Hooo boy...
(theme music swells as Johnny straightens his tie)
Stick around, we’ve got a guy who once tried to charge $35 million for a hot dog. We’ll be right back!
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