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HARRY DOYLE STYLE (from Major League)
🎙️**"Hello everybody, Harry Doyle here coming to you live from Busch Stadium, where the St. Louis Cardinals' 1916 postseason run has officially flatlined faster than a rookie on his first trip to Vegas!"**
Ohhh mercy—what a meltdown. The reigning World Series champs—yes, those very same St. Louis Cardinals—have been bounced from the postseason by none other than the division-rival Cincinnati Reds, who came into town like a wrecking ball and took no prisoners.
Final score: Reds 11, Cardinals 3.
That sound you hear? That’s the last of the champagne bottles being quietly rolled back into storage.
It all started early, folks. Top of the first, Reds put up a crooked number—FOUR runs—before the peanut guy could get to section 203. Freddy Martinez ripped a double, Angelo Liotta followed with a triple, and by the time the Cardinals remembered what sport they were playing, it was already 4-0.
And how about Freddy Martinez, ladies and gentlemen? The kid hit .500 in the series, drove in four, scored four, and basically lived in scoring position. Series MVP? You bet your keister. The glue that held the team together? He was the whole hardware store.
Meanwhile, on the other side… the Cardinals looked like they were playing with oven mitts. Four errors. Count 'em—one, two, three, four! They kicked the ball around like it owed them money. The fielding was so bad, I thought I was watching Little League Night at the ballpark!
And the pitching? Oh, sweet saint of lost causes. Starter Denny Rady was yanked in the fourth inning after giving up five runs on eight hits. His ERA? Let’s just say it’s somewhere between his social security number and a lottery ticket. Covert didn’t help, and Mendez… well, Mendez was there. Not sure what he was doing, but he was there.
Meanwhile, Ben Barnard on the bump for Cincy went the distance. Nine full innings. No walks. One strikeout. Not exactly Nolan Ryan, but when your offense scores eleven, you just have to keep it between the lines and breathe through your nose.
And give it up for Pat Vinokur—four hits, two ribbies, and a permanent lease on first base. The guy was hotter than a jalapeño in a sauna.
So now, the Reds are off to face the San Francisco Giants in the Division Series, while the Cardinals are heading home—probably to a long winter of asking, “What just happened?”
For the fans in St. Louis, it’s heartbreak. For the Reds? Well, I hope they packed sunscreen, 'cause this October run just got a whole lot sunnier.
I’m Harry Doyle, saying “So long from Busch Stadium—where the beer’s cold, the defense is colder, and the Reds are movin’ on!”
🎙️**“And for the love of God, someone get a glove on the ball out there.”**
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