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“OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS — DALLAS JUST GOT TOTALLY CRUSHED!”
By Eric Cartman, Genius Sports Analyst and Snack Aficionado
Okay, okay okay okay… SIT DOWN, BUTTERS! Because I’m about to tell you what happened today in Vegas and it was freakin' RIDICULOUS.
The Dallas Stars walked into T-Mobile Arena all like, “Hurr durr, we’re gonna SWEEP Vegas!” And then the Golden Knights were like, “NO YOU’RE NOT, FATASS!” And then they exploded in the first inning like a bag of flaming Cheetos — SEVEN RUNS! SEVEN! It was like a home run parade and Dallas was just standing there looking stupid like, “Whuhhh?”
AND THEN — you ready for this? You better be, Kyle — Lançarote Golfin (I don’t even know where that name came from, probably Portugal or something awesome) HITS THREE HOME RUNS. THREE. That's right, Trey bombs, b**ch! He goes kaboom, kaboom, ka-FREAKING-BOOM. That dude wrecked Dallas harder than my mom wrecked the PTA bake sale.
AND JOSE CASTILLO? Oh my God. GRAND SLAM in the first inning. That’s four runs, Kenny! FOUR! I haven’t seen that many Stars explode since I microwaved a bag of Pop Rocks.
Let’s look at the Dallas “pitching,” and I use that word VERY loosely, m’kay? Francisco Cespedes? That guy gave up 7 runs in two-thirds of an inning. That ERA is so high it needs oxygen. Like, dude, maybe try throwing strikes instead of meatballs, okay? Lame.
Oh, and their bullpen? It was like watching a bunch of 4th graders try to put out a grease fire with Capri Sun. They gave up bombs to Golfin, Barbashev, Tiller — EVERYONE. Even the freakin' bat boy was probably warming up to go yard.
Meanwhile, Dallas? Yeah, sure, they hit a couple dingers — Jabiri had a solo shot, Thien hit a 3-run homer. WHO CARES? You scored 7, they scored 16. You got rekt. You got stomped. You got Vegas'd.
Final score: Vegas 16, Dallas 7. Vegas lives to fight another day. And Dallas? You better go home and rethink your life, 'cause you just got PWNED.
Next game’s in Dallas on Friday, and if I were the Stars, I’d be worried. Real worried. ‘Cause Golfin’s coming to town and he’s bringing HELL WITH HIM.
Respect my authoritah.
–Eric Cartman
Playoff Coverage, Tacos & Vengeance Division
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