[Westheim]

Raccoons (9-16) @ Canadiens (14-9) – May 4-7, 2065

For some wicked reason, the baseball gods now favored the damn Elks again, who were second in the division and just half a game off the top spot despite being rather pedestrian in both runs scored and runs allowed. Speaking of pedestrian, the Raccoons would also compete in these games, so all bets were off. We had already lost 11 games to the damn Elks last year.

Projected matchups:
Chance Fox (1-2, 3.86 ERA) vs. Ken Nielsen (2-0, 2.37 ERA)
Josh Elling (2-2, 3.82 ERA) vs. Ed Nadeau (0-3, 4.30 ERA)
Shoma Nakayama (1-3, 4.83 ERA) vs. Johnny Doolin (2-2, 3.31 ERA)
Angel Alba (1-4, 4.64 ERA) vs. Martyn Polaco (1-2, 6.27 ERA)

Not one, but *two* southpaws (Nadeau, Polaco) in one series. Would wonders ever cease?

Game 1
POR: RF Corral – LF Spicer – 3B Morales – 2B Monck – C Burkart – CF Kozak – SS Aoki – 1B Colter – P Fox
VAN: SS C. Castro – C Varner – CF R. Atkins – 1B Whetstine – LF N. Vaughn – RF Lozada – 2B Yue – 3B Spalding – P Nielsen

What would really make everything even more miserable right from the start would be for Chance Fox to not retire ******* anybody, and he didn’t. Carlos Castro singled and stole second, Steve Varner walked, and then the Elks chopped him for another four hits and three runs before Hsi-chuen Yue’s also-run-scoring double-play grounder that ran the score to 4-0 in the first inning. Steven Spalding then grounded out to end the ******* inning. Fox never ******* got his **** together in this game and got further raped for three more runs in the bottom 3rd, allowing two hits to Chad Whetstine and Nick Vaughn, and after a Roberto Lozada double play grounder an RBI single to Yue and a Spalding homer. Seven runs in three innings was enough. Not that Jarod Morris was any less *****; starting with a single, walk, single sequence against the top of the order in the bottom 4th just like Fox had done in the first, and giving up another run for it. Spalding and Castro hits gave the Elks another run in the fifth, and Jamie Colter dropped a 2-out pop with runners on the corners to concede an unearned run – ooh, the excitement! – in the sixth inning. Carrillo got ****** apart for another three runs in the seventh, and that made it a 13-0 game and back home in Portland a GM with a very wet face by the time Jose Corral hit another absolutely ******* pointless home run in the eighth inning. 13-1, squee! Spicer hit his way on and the Raccoons then whacked left-hander Jeremy Garvey around for another two runs, not that it was gonna help in this bloody ballgame anymore. Pablo Novelo pitched a scoreless bottom 8th in his ongoing bid for the closer’s role. 13-3 Canadiens. Spicer 3-5, 2 2B; Morales 2-5, 2B;

Jarod Morris (1-1, 6.19 ERA) refused an assignment to AAA on Tuesday as the wheels kept falling off just 26 games into the season.

I hate their faces.

Game 2
POR: RF Spicer – 3B Morales – C Burkart – LF Kozak – 2B Monck – 1B Vargas – CF Garmon – SS Serrano – P Elling
VAN: SS C. Castro – RF B. Campbell – 1B Whetstine – CF R. Atkins – LF N. Vaughn – 2B A. Castillo – C Varner – 3B Spalding – P Nadeau

The Coons had Spicer on with a single in the first, Monck on with a double in the second, and Serrano on by virtue of getting hit by a pitch to begin the third inning, and then finally did something other than hitting into a double play (Burkart) or just making crap outs in sequence when Vic Morales lifted a 2-run homer to left for the first runs on Tuesday night.

Elling scattered four hits in the first three innings without allowing a run, then in the middle innings cranked up the strikeouts a bit, and the pitch count along with it. The Elks were still off the board, and Elling had seven strikeouts through six innings, but he was also already over 90 pitches. The Raccoons still held a 2-0 lead, most recently frittering away an invitation by Nadeau to obliterate him by walking the bases full in the top of the sixth, but Franklin Serrano popped out to leave Burkart, Monck, and Garmon stranded. Both teams had a runner (Spicer, Spalding) on base in the seventh, and both runners were caught stealing to accelerate proceedings; Elling was also finished after seven innings. McDaniel pitched a scoreless eighth before the Raccoons got Vargas and Garmon on the corners against ex-Coon Elijah LaBat in the ninth inning. Serrano’s fly to center was caught by Rick Atkins, who threw out Vargas at home to prevent any tack-on shenanigans, and so an innocent 2-0 lead went to McGinley, who immediately gave up a run on an Atkins double and Lozada RBI single before the Elks slowly filled up the bases with two outs and Spalding drawing a walk before Chris Richardson reached on an error by Burkart. Willie Villafan struck out for some reason to end the game. 2-1 Blighters. Spicer 2-4; Burkart 1-2, 2 BB; Garmon 0-1, 2 BB; Elling 7.0 IP, 6 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 7 K, W (3-2);

They can’t even *blow* a game when they try their darndest…!!

Game 3
POR: RF Corral – LF Spicer – 3B Morales – 2B Monck – C Arellano – CF Kozak – SS Aoki – 1B Colter – P Nakayama
VAN: SS C. Castro – RF B. Campbell – 1B Whetstine – CF R. Atkins – 2B A. Castillo – C Varner – LF Lozada – 3B Spalding – P Doolin

Another day, another sucker was born, and this time it was Nakayama, tumbling out of the clubhouse with the plastic bag already over his head, and it unraveled from there. Castro singled, Brent Campbell walked, and Atkins doubled home the pair in the bottom 1st, and after that it was either a 3-ball count or a long fly to the outfield, and hardly anything in between for Nakayama the rest of the way. He needed a whopping 90 pitches through five innings, even without allowing another run. He came back for the sixth inning, then in a 2-1 score thanks to a Kozak homer in the top 6th after five innings of trying to exist in a vacuum for the Coons, gave up a 3-2 rocket to Atkins that was caught by Corral to begin the bottom 6th, allowed Alex Castillo on base, who was forced out by Varner, and Varner then tried to score on a double socked with two outs by Lozada, but he was thrown out at the plate to end the inning after a nice play by Corral.

That ended Nakayama’s troubles for the week, but the rest of the team still had sucks to give. Serrano and Vargas pinch-hit for the 8-9 batters to begin the top 7th, the latter doubling to right before being stranded when Corral whiffed and Spicer popped out. Dover held the Elks away in the bottom 7th before Monck’s double to left-center against Mike Perez put the tying run in scoring position again with one gone in the eighth. Arellano fanned and Kozak flew out to center to waste that one away. They were similarly listless in the ninth inning against LaBat, who walked two in Novelo and Vargas, but Burkart pinch-hit and bumbled into a double play in between, preventing any momentum from being gained. The game ended with Corral grounding out to Whetstine. 2-1 Canadiens. Morales 2-4; Vargas (PH) 1-1, BB, 2B;

(lies facedown in the cushions, moping)

Game 4
POR: RF Corral – 3B Morales – C Burkart – LF Kozak – 2B Monck – SS Novelo – 1B Vargas – CF Garmon – P Alba
VAN: SS C. Castro – RF B. Campbell – 1B Whetstine – CF R. Atkins – LF N. Vaughn – 2B A. Castillo – C Varner – 3B Spalding – P Polaco

Igor, the tiniest and nastiest of the baseball gods, had earlier divined that a FOURTH game to this series would be the greatest punishment they could possibly dole out, so here it was.

Corral was still far away from hitting .200, but opened the game with a double to right, moving up on a groundout and scoring on a wild pitch for the game’s first run. Angel Alba threw one pitch to blow the 1-0 lead with a Castro homer, then just a couple more to allow a triple to Campbell, who was not scored by Whetstine, who popped out, but Atkins and his groundout, and just like that it was 2-1 Elks again.

After a silent second, the Raccoons got a 1-out infield single from Corral in the top 3rd, then a Morales double to left. Polaco filled the bases with a walk to Burkart in a full count, continuing his career-long trend of walking more than he’d strike out. When Polaco fell to 3-0 against Kozak next, I yelled at the TV 300 miles away that he should ******* hold still – and he did, watching a ball roll over home plate for ball four and the game-tying run being forced in by it. Monck got a fat first pitch, but missed the sweet spot, hitting an RBI single, while Novelo lined out to short. Alex Vargas emptied the bases with a double to left, 6-2, but was thrown out himself at third base to end the inning, but that was after Monck had already crossed home plate.

Of course you couldn’t leave Angel Alba alone with a 6-2 lead either. He would put the leadoff man on base three innings out of the next four, and allowed six hits in total in those four innings. The Elks found a double play and stranded four batters, but did score a run in the bottom 5th when Nick Vaughn doubled home a run, 6-3. On the other side the Raccoons didn’t score in the middle innings; the top 7th saw Kozak reach on a 2-out error by Castro, then score on singles by Monck and Novelo. Vargas walked against Robbie Lingard, but Colter struck out when he batted for Garmon.

Alba somehow managed to work through seven innings despite the constant on-base traffic and maintained the 7-3 lead. Madrid got the ball for the eighth and was taken deep by Atkins to create another ******* save opportunity / opportunity to create havoc for McGinley, although this time the Elks made two groundouts before Castro legged out a single that didn’t reach the outfield grass against Novelo. Campbell went down on strikes to end the series in an even split. 7-4 Raccoons. Corral 2-5, 2B; Monck 4-5, RBI; Novelo 2-5, 2B, RBI;

Raccoons (11-18) @ Cyclones (16-12) – May 8-10, 2065

It had been a rough two decades in Cincinnati, where a second-place finish in 2064 had been a rousing success after a full decade of getting beaten and beaten and beaten and almost exclusively finishes in the bottom two in the FL East. They were currently leading the division while scoring the second-most runs and allowing an average number of runs, although their rotation had an ERA over five. On offense they were striking homers, but had no speed, and defense was cruddy; also, Dallas Baker and Mel Avila were missing from the lineup with injuries. The Coons beat the Cyclones, two outta three, in the last meeting in ’63, and had won the last four series played between these teams.

Projected matchups:
Jeff Crowley (1-1, 4.34 ERA) vs. Edwin Moreno (1-2, 3.93 ERA)
Chance Fox (1-3, 5.65 ERA) vs. Blake Anderson (3-1, 3.06 ERA)
Josh Elling (3-2, 3.11 ERA) vs. Dan Albrecht (2-3, 5.30 ERA)

Another two southpaws to begin and end the series. Regrettably, we would be denied a face-to-face meeting with Randy Rautenstrauch (2-0, 6.10 ERA), who had gone on Wednesday.

Rich Monck got a day off on Friday.

Game 1
POR: RF Spicer – 3B Morales – C Burkart – LF Kozak – SS Novelo – 2B Serrano – 1B Vargas – CF Garmon – P Crowley
CIN: SS J. Munoz – LF R. Soto – C Heath – 1B S. Jordan – CF Valencia – 2B J. Hernandez – RF Wil Martinez – 3B Rising – P Edw. Moreno

Crowley remained useless and was swatted around in the bottom 2nd with leadoff hits for Steve Jordan, Rafael Valencia, and Jordan Hernandez, which already scored a run for Cincy, with more runs coming on Kevin Rising’s single and finally a ******* balk as the Coons were in a quick 3-0 hole again while wasting three singles the first time through the order themselves. Novelo and Serrano hit doubles to begin the fourth for a run, and Garmon singled home Serrano for a second run in the inning, but Garmon was left on base with the tying run. Jordan hit another leadoff single in the bottom 4th, was forced out, and the Cyclones didn’t score, either.

Catcher’s interference put Vic Morales on base to begin the fifth inning, and a Burkart double to left moved the tying and go-ahead runs into scoring position with nobody out. Kozak’s tame RBI single and a Serrano sac fly would flip the score, but the piece of **** in the brown cap just ****** it all away again in the bottom 5th. He nailed leadoff man Jorge Munoz, walked the bags full with Roberto Soto and Josh Heath, and then gave up without effort a 2-run double to Jordan. Valencia’s RBI groundout made it 6-4 and brought the bullpen into the game, but Dover couldn’t keep the ******* runner on base either and surrendered it right away with another single served up to Jordan Hernandez, 7-4.

The stupid Coons went on to waste pairs of singles by Colter and Spicer in the sixth, then Kozak and Serrano in the seventh inning without scoring anything; but Jarod Morris managed to **** two more runs onto the board with a single to Jordan, a walk to Valencia, and then John MacDonnell’s 2-run double. Top 8th, Garmon, Monck, and Spier hit straight singles against Jonathan Thomas for a run, and when Thomas was replaced with Kyle Houck, Morales hit another single and Burkart hit a sac fly, but the inning fizzled out with Kozak’s run-scoring groundout. Thanks to being FIVE RUNS DOWN AGAIN, the Raccoons’ scoring three wasn’t nearly enough, and Novelo’s groundout ended the inning, with the team still short by a pair, which didn’t change in the ninth inning. 9-7 Cyclones. Spicer 2-5, RBI; Burkart 2-4, 2B, RBI; Kozak 2-5, 2 RBI; Serrano 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI; Garmon 3-5, RBI; Colter (PH) 1-1; Monck (PH) 1-1;

Jarod Morris (1-1, 6.88 ERA) again refused an assignment to AAA and was then fired.

The Raccoons brought up Nick Walla, who had made one spot start for the Raccoons last season and who was 3-2 with a 2.09 ERA in AAA this year, and who was expected to find a hole in the rotation in some way or other. This happened quicker than any Chance Fox fans (stranger things exist) might have liked, since Fox was voided from his Saturday start and the 24-year-old Walla inserted instead. It was his regular day to pitch after having gone on Monday.

Game 2
POR: RF Corral – LF Spicer – 3B Morales – 2B Monck – C Arellano – CF Kozak – SS Aoki – 1B Vargas – P Walla
CIN: SS J. Munoz – LF R. Soto – RF MacDonnell – 1B S. Jordan – CF Valencia – 2B J. Hernandez – C J. Contreras – 3B Rising – P B. Anderson

Walla struck out four batters the first time through, which was one shy of Anderson’s five, as offense was absolutely at a premium in the early innings. The Raccoons still managed to waste three singles, because they were really good at that, before Monck reached on an error by Jordan to begin the top 4th. Arellano singled, and a Kozak grounder moved them into scoring position. Yukio Aoki raked a double to right to drive in the game’s first two runs. While Anderson got Vargas on strikes, he failed against Walla, who clipped a 2-out RBI single to give himself a 3-0 lead before the inning ended with Corral, still not hitting .200…

Walla looked fine through four innings, but we can’t have fine here, so he had to get his snout beaten in before long. Jonathan Contreras, hitting all of .130, homered to begin the bottom 5th, and from there Rising, Munoz, and MacDonnell all smacked singles off Walla to get the game tied. Walla went on to pitch six and two thirds in the 3-3 tie without regaining the lead, and was knocked out by Munoz’ 2-out single in the bottom 7th. Tyson replaced him, allowed another single to Soto, but then got MacDonnell to ground out to Monck, leaving Walla with the no-decision.

Rich Monck technically still existed and while he didn’t get the ball over the wall, he at least managed to come up with an RBI double in the gap after Morales’ shy leadoff single in the eighth, which made it a 4-3 lead still against Blake Anderson, who struck out the next two on his way out of the inning without allowing Monck’s run. Tyson then faced Steve Jordan to begin the bottom 8th, got a comebacker and threw it away for two bases, then got beaten out of the game. Carrillo then somehow retired Valencia, Wil Martinez, and Contreras in order on a groundout and two pops on the infield without allowing that unearned tying run.

Spicer and Morales had 2-out singles off John Faughnan in the ninth, but Monck couldn’t come through with another hit and the runners were stranded. That left a 4-3 lead at the mercy of Jon McGinley, which could hardly end well. Danny Moraida opened the bottom 9th with a single from the #8 hole before Josh Heath struck out against the southpaw. McGinley then allowed a screamer to center to Munoz, who settled for a double while the runner Moraida settled for getting thrown out at the plate by Kozak, which made for *some* sort of second out. Soto fell to 1-2 before hitting a high foul pop near the rightfield line. Corral went over there, reached, ****** it, and the batter got another shot in the box when the ******* game should have ENDED. He then grounded out to Monck. 4-3 Blighters. Spicer 2-5; Morales 2-5; Arellano 2-4; Aoki 3-4, 2B, 2 RBI; Walla 6.2 IP, 8 H, 3 R, 2 ER, 0 BB, 8 K and 1-3, RBI;

These Portland Panics are killing me…

No, Chance, I didn’t say “picnic”! – What are you doing here anyway, don’t you have sitting in the pen and hanging your head in shame to do??

Game 3
POR: RF Spicer – 3B Morales – C Burkart – LF Kozak – 2B Monck – SS Serrano – 1B Vargas – CF Garmon – P Elling
CIN: SS J. Munoz – 2B J. Hernandez – RF MacDonnell – 1B S. Jordan – CF R. Valencia – LF Wil Martinez – C J. Contreras – 3B Rising – P Albrecht

The Coons went up 1-0 in the first on Sunday when Spicer singled, stole second, and scored on a Burkart knock. Before anybody else scored, the two teams combined for three double plays in the next four half-innings, then. The Coons did it twice, in case you weren’t sure. Elling held the Cyclones to two hits in four innings before leading off the fifth with a single to center. He was then almost overtaken when Spicer bashed a ball into the left-center gap for extra bases. Elling thought he’d go to third base on a double, but found the third base coach to windmill him on since there was no way Spicer was gonna stop at second base on a ball to the fence. The Cyclones played the ball inefficiently, which was all that allowed a puffing Elling to score on the triple, 2-0. Morales and Burkart then made ***** outs on the infield for two dumb outs, but Kozak clipped a 2-out RBI single, and Monck hit another single, but those two were stranded by Serrano grounding out to short. Spicer drove in another run his next time up, though, plating Corey Garmon with a 2-out RBI single in the sixth.

Elling, despite going the extra mile on the base paths, held the Cyclones off the board until Vic Morales chimed in with an error in the bottom 6th, putting Hernandez on base. MacDonnell then walked and Elling gave up an unearned run on Valencia’s 2-out RBI single before ringing up Wil Martinez. Top 7th, the Coons had a Burkart single and Kozak double to begin the inning, putting a pair in scoring position for Monck against Albrecht. The slugger again settled for an RBI single, 5-1, while Albrecht was yanked after walking Serrano. Vargas hit a sac fly against a new lefty, Mike Gunter, who allowed a single to Garmon to load the bases again, and then another single to Elling to drive in two more runs. An unretired Spicer singled, loading the bases once more, and the Cyclones couldn’t turn two on Morales’ grounder to short, as the Coons got another run on the fielder’s choice. One final run scored on a wild pitch by Gunter, 10-1. Singles in the eighth by Monck, Vargas, and Garmon against Kyle Houck added another run to the board, while Elling was done after seven innings. What was more surprising? That the Coons won by ten runs, or that they did so despite sending in Cruz Madrid for two innings…? 11-1 Raccoons. Spicer 4-5, 3B, 2 RBI; Burkart 3-6, RBI; Kozak 2-5, 2B, RBI; Monck 3-4, BB, RBI; Garmon 3-5, RBI; Elling 7.0 P, 5 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W (4-2) and 2-4, 2 RBI; Madrid 2.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 0 K;

In other news

May 4 – Aces SP Dan Graham (2-1, 1.56 ERA) shines with a 3-hit shutout in beating the Bayhawks, 6-0.
May 6 – Rebels OF Jeremy Jenkins (.351, 3 HR, 13 RBI) hits for the cycle in a 12-4 loss to the Buffaloes.
May 6 – SFW SP Phil Baker (3-1, 3.18 ERA) and CL Lorenzo Lucatero (1-2, 4.60 ERA, 6 SV) pitch a combined 1-hitter in a 4-1 win against the Pacifics, who are held hitless save for an eighth-inning leadoff double by 1B/CF/RF Jared Allen (.241, 3 HR, 11 RBI), who goes on to score L.A.’s only run.
May 7 – Condors SP Jose Lugo (2-0, 2.41, 1 SV) throws a 3-hit shutout to beat the Knights, 7-0.
May 8 – Crusaders SP Ben Seiter (3-2, 1.50 ERA) puts together a 2-hit shutout against the Scorpions, claiming a 5-0 win.
May 9 – BOS 1B Bill Joyner (.277, 4 HR, 20 RBI) has five hits wit a homer, a double, and six RBI in an 18-3 rout of the Capitals.
May 10 – SFW 1B Miguel Medina (.339, 11 HR, 30 RBI) romps three home runs for five RBI and otherwise walks three times in a 17-13 win against the Falcons. This is the second 3-homer game in Medina’s career, who previously achieved the feat against the Scorpions.

FL Player of the Week: RIC OF Jeremy Jenkins (.357, 4 HR, 15 RBI), batting .500 (13-26) with 2 HR, 4 RBI
CL Player of the Week: BOS LF/CF Eddie Marcotte (.280, 6 HR, 18 RBI), poking .440 (11-25) with 2 HR, 6 RBI

Complaints and stuff

The majority of the pen was put on the trading block this week, surely coaxing some giggles out of the majority of league GM’s.

Chance Fox’ dismissal from the rotation might not be permanent. Alba, Nakayama, and Crowley have been just as awful. He had the misfortune to align with Nick Walla, though, who was the only sensible choice to call up from the AAA rotation to at least try and get some change going.

The offense rallied to tie for fifth place in runs scored this week. The absolutely rancid staff still makes for a -25 run differential and the worst pen outright, but, hey, a winning week! Barely!

The Coons will be home for three days, hosting the Stars, and then embark on another rough 4-city road trip to Milwaukee, New York, Tijuana, and Vegas.

Fun Fact: This year it’s been 20 years since the Cyclones made the postseason.

In that time they finished last a striking eight times and fifth another five times, so it’s not been a pleasant time in Cincinnati. They ended with a single-game deficit to first place just *once* in 2051.

Prior to going 80-82 for second place last season, 14 games out, they had not finished in the top division *or* within this many games or fewer since 2053, when a 76-86 campaign was good enough for third place in the FL East.