[Westheim]

Three days after the end of the World Series, I was still rolled up in my corner on the trusty brown couch. The pillows were all wet still. Some had stains, usually from spilled booze. Some might be drool. I was also in my underwear. It was bad. It was so bad, even Slappy had moved to one seat further away.

12 losses in their last 15 games. Including the tie-breaker game.

Three percent my furry bum cheeks!!

No, Maud, I don’t feel like eating. Please remove your home-baked muffins from underneath my pokey black nose. – When did I last eat, Maud? When was the last time we were in first place? – Two days before that.

(sigh)

The wicked Raccoons would get through the offseason well enough without me. The last three winters I had had a game plan, and the season every time went completely off the rails and into the opposite direction:

2051: not gonna go anywhere – won the pennant
2052: contenders! – crashed into last place
2053: probably needs another year – well turns out that was not so far from the truth as I thought…

Besides the CL North tie-breaker game, the Raccoons lost head scout Pat Degenhardt, who was over 70 and went into retirement, and several minor league coaches. I wasn’t into doing much of a competition for replacements. I put Cristiano Carmona to work, he picked people, and I just put my paw print on the papers to sign off. Why can’t you lot just leave me alone?

Also not going to leave me alone any time soon was Nick Valdes, who had apparently traveled to Oklahoma City for the CLCS opener, only to find the Crusaders playing there. I wasn’t returning his calls.

Nevertheless, the explodable Raccoons got a new budget for the 2054 season, and it was going to be $53M, which was $2M more than last season. That didn’t improve our situation in comparison to the other teams. We had been 11th with the old budget of $51M, but now slid to a tie for 12th with the last-place Titans.

Top 5: Thunder ($74M), Gold Sox ($68M), Canadiens ($64M), Miners ($62M), Crusaders ($60M)
Bottom 5: Bayhawks ($41.5M), Warriors ($39.5M), Wolves ($39M), Aces ($33.5M), Loggers ($32M)

The division-winning Crusaders went up three spots and $6M there. The only other CL North team, the Indians, were on the short end of the list, sitting 19th with $42M.

The average budget for a team in the league rose to $51.08M, up $1M from last season, but the median team budget was $53M, jumping a whopping $4.75M compared with last season.

We’d go into salary arbitration and free agency soon (though the data would be below), even though, if I had my way, they could all go where the sun don’t shine. Speaking of which, Maud, would you kindly draw the blinds? I would like to lie and weep in utter darkness.