[Westheim]

Raccoons (35-33) vs. Titans (30-37) – June 17-19, 2041

The careening Raccoons traipsed home just for a 3-game set with Boston, who sat fifth in the North. They were second from the bottom in runs scored, at the very bottom in runs allowed, and yet still were ahead of the Raccoons this year, leading the season series 4-2. The Titans, unsurprisingly, remained – by a large margin! – the Continental League the Raccoons all-time had done the worst against. It didn’t matter how bad they were – they always found a way to whoop the Critters…!

Projected matchups:
Nelson Moreno (5-4, 4.02 ERA) vs. Eunice Suyumov (1-2, 5.89 ERA)
Josh Brown (6-2, 3.10 ERA) vs. Philip Wise (5-4, 5.66 ERA)
Drew Johnson (3-7, 3.90 ERA) vs. Rich Willett (5-2, 2.49 ERA)

The Titans had three lefties in the rotation, and somehow the Raccoons found a way to dance around two of them even then. Only Suyumov would encounter them with the left arm.

Boston had a flurry of injuries, too, missing almost an entire lineup full of major leaguers: Moises Avila, Jimmy Wallace, Antonio Gil – all out. Chris Joseph, too, as was Orlando Nieblas, and Juan Rodriguez … and Willie Vega felt queasy too as the week began.

Game 1
BOS: 3B Rangel – LF Rodela – CF Vermillion – 1B A. Zacarias – RF Beard – C Guadalupe – 2B Toney – SS Santillan – P Suyumov
POR: SS Hunter – CF Maldonado – LF Fernandez – C Kilmer – 1B Levis – 3B Trevino – 2B Lando – RF Reyna – P Moreno

The people that nobody knew ravaged Moreno for four runs in the opening inning, with Mark Vermillion and Mario Guadalupe both hitting 2-run jacks, one to right and one to left. That was basically the entire game. Moreno lingered into the fifth before getting knocked out with doubles by Jose Santillan and Suyumov (…), plus an RBI single by Ruben Rangel, all with nobody out. That made it a 6-1 game, and even the run scored by the rancid Raccoons had been a Titans run, their pitcher balking with Maldonado accidentally standing on third base. If a game ever loudly announced the end of contention with the loud bang of a door slamming shut, it was this breezy, moist Monday night in the middle of June, once again, completely defaced and humiliated by a Titans team that ranked at the bottom of everything, that had lost a bushel of major league hitters, and that still found a way to **** up the best the Raccoons could offer.

The Raccoons put Maldonado and Fernandez on the corners with one out in the bottom 5th. Kilmer struck out. Levis grounded out to Ruben Rangel. Instead, two runs fell out of Zabala in the seventh, a.k.a. a normal day at the office for a ****** pitcher. Maldonado and Kilmer each drove in a run to mildly taint Suyumov’s line in the same inning, not that anybody gave a **** about that anymore, given that they still remained down by a pawful. Even the weather and the umps had a field day, with the former letting it rain quite a bit in the eighth inning and the latter deciding to sit out an hourlong rain delay in an 8-3 bum rush. It only got better in the ninth, when Wyatt Hamill pitched a perfect ninth in a 5-run loss, because he had to pitch at SOME point and it wasn’t like the team was going to not lose another 93 games straight after this one, so what would we possibly save him up for? In the bottom of the inning, Nettles and Hunter had somehow wandered on base against Aaron Howell. With one out, Maldonado grounded at Mike Toney, who tried to turn two, but threw poorly and led Jose Santillan to fall onto the sliding Hunter, knocking him in the head, groin, knee, and shoulder all at once with various flailing body parts of his. Then Maldonado was picked off first, just when I thought he was the likable one. 8-3 Titans. Maldonado 2-4, 2B; Fernandez 2-4, 2B, RBI; Kilmer 2-4, RBI; Reyna 2-4;

No news on Hunter by Tuesday, except that he says that EVERYTHING hurts. That is not a good sign.

But, eh. Sometimes things are just that, broken. I think my resolve is, too.

Game 2
BOS: LF Liceaga – 1B A. Zacarias – CF Vermillion – 2B M. Hurtado – C Guadalupe – 3B Rangel – SS Toney – RF Beard – P P. Wise
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – LF Fernandez – CF Maldonado – C Morales – 1B Levis – RF Balaski – SS Trawick – P Brown

The Boston Unknowns took the lead with a Kyle Beard homer in the second inning on Tuesday. They had stranded two in the first, stranded another runner in the third, and went up 2-0 with another shot by Guadalupe in the fourth. I should also take more shots, either in terms of Capt’n Coma, or with the blunderbuss into my snout. The Raccoons had all of a Bill Balaski single in their first run through the lineup, upped that to two singles (Maldo, Morales) the second time through, and yet persistently didn’t score at all through five innings. Berto drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 6th, then reached third base on a Fernandez single, technically putting the go-ahead run in the box, but by now I was entirely too cynical to believe in any form of comeback or salvation. Maldonado struck an RBI single to right. Tony Morales ripped a 2-run double off the fence, also in right, giving the Coons the lead, 3-2. Oh, so what, Slappy? They’ll find another ****** way to lose! (throws empty Capt’n Coma bottle against the wall, where it shatters into a thousand bits) … No, Slappy, you don’t have to clean that up. Cristiano can do that.

Balaski hit a ball to I-405 to extend the lead to 5-2 in the same inning, with Brown returning for the seventh on 83 pitches. He allowed a single to Kyle Beard, but then got through the inning unharmed, meaning blowing the lead to bits would be left to the bullpen today. Good! I’m always for variety! Can’t have the starting pitchers blow every game to ******* hell! Alex Ramirez retired Boston in due order in the eighth, so perhaps it would be on Hamill to explode after being used pointlessly in Monday’s dousing loss. Hamill began the ninth by hitting Guadalupe – AND HERE WE GO!! It’s always … It’s always SOMETHING!! Guadalupe then took off for second, Morales threw the ball away, and the catcher reached third base. Rangel struck out, but Toney clipped a single, 5-3. Beard grounded out. Ernesto Huichapa popped out. Wait, what? Why are they all walking to the dugout? Did we win? Did we ACTUALLY win a ballgame?? 5-3 Coons. Maldonado 2-4, RBI; Morales 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI; Balaski 2-3, HR, 2 RBI; Brown 7.0 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 7 K, W (7-2);

I’m sure they will make up for this by losing the rubber game, badly.

We also have two second basemen now hitting under .100 for their last so-and-so at-bats. Nick Lando is 2-for-21. Worse yet, Cosmo Trevino is 4-for-43. In AAA, Jose Brito was hitting .225; Arturo Carreno wasn’t even breaking .200 and had just returned from a stint in Ham Lake…

By Wednesday, the Raccoons had to send Tony Hunter to the DL with a strained hammy though, which would take him out until the All Star Game, so there went the season for the umpteenth time. The Raccoons sighed and shrugged, then called up an old favorite – Steve Nickas, the career .204/.332/.247 hitter we were all longing for. At least he could play D.

Game 3
BOS: LF Liceaga – 1B A. Zacarias – CF Vermillion – RF Beard – 2B M. Hurtado – 3B Rangel – C Guadalupe – SS Santillan – P Willett
POR: 3B Ramos – RF Balaski – LF Fernandez – CF Maldonado – C Morales – 1B Levis – 2B Lando – SS Nickas – P Johnson

Neither team got a base hit until Alex Zacarias singled off Johnson to begin the fourth inning. He immediately walked Vermillion, too, and the Titans were on the corners after Beard hit a grounder to Lando for a force at second base. Crucially, Mario Hurtado struck out, allowing Johnson to escape unharmed when Rangel flew out to Maldonado. Rich Willett meanwhile didn’t even allow any base runner until he arrived at Doug Levis in the fifth inning and allowed a 2-out walk. Next went the no-hitter, Nick Lando legging out an infield single to make it to first base. And then Nickas popped out to strand them both, because Nickas was Nickas, and nobody oughta be surprised.

Both teams had two singles in the sixth inning. While the Titans stopped there, the Raccoons added a Manny Fernandez walk to fill the bags with one out, adding to Johnson (!) and Balaski on the more advanced sacks. Willett also lost Maldo on balls, forcing in the game’s first run. Then Morales had to hit away at a borderline 3-2 and hit straight into a double play to kill the inning. Johnson lasted seven without giving up a run, after which the Raccoons bullpen had to get involved. Chuck Jones and Tim Zimmerman got through the top of the order with no more than a walk drawn by Zacarias in the eighth, while we preserved Lindstrom for the ninth, Hamill now being unavailable. Hurtado flew out to right, but Rangel walked, putting the tying run on base. Guadalupe singled up the middle on a 1-2 pitch, putting the tying run on third base. I sighed. Jose Santillan singled up the middle, putting the tying run in the dugout and the go-ahead run on third base. I drank, silently. Lindstrom then uncorked a wild pitch to score said go-ahead run, walked Alejandro Rodela, and was then told to go somewhere dank and hide under a blanket to hide his shame. Brent Clark inherited a bust of a game, had Santillan get caught stealing third base, then decided that pitching with two runners on was more fun and nailed Danny Liceaga, then walked the right-handed Zacarias. Lorenzo Celaya, was next, hitting all of .136 after a steep fall from grace. He hit a 2-run single, and the mud slide only stopped when Zacarias ran into an out at third base.

And yet it got worse in the bottom 9th, because of conundrum time. The Raccoons got Morales on base with a 2-out double, then had Gilberto Castillo nick Reyna, hitting for a decidedly unclutch Doug Levis. That brought up Lando. Oh, the urge to pinch-hit for Nick Lando…!! But, yet, we could not. He was not the winning run. And we had only two bats remaining, Kilmer and Nettles, and those would have to hit for Nickas and Clark if the inning dragged on. We ran the math, and Lando had more major league hits than the other two combined in this decade… He also grounded out to Zacarias, but what the **** do we know about baseball? 4-1 Titans. Johnson 7.0 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 5 K and 1-2;

If you carved me, fully conscious, up right now for my bacon, I would feel nothing.

I’m so dead inside.

Raccoons (36-35) @ Bayhawks (32-39) – June 21-23, 2041

The Raccoons couldn’t beat the bewilderingly bad Bostonians, so I had no expectation playing San Francisco, who were fourth in runs scored and at the bottom in runs allowed. Their run differential was -21, which was actually better than the stinkin’ Critters (-31). The Raccoons had swept the Baybirds the first time up this year, but that had been in the distant land of April, and April had long been torn off the calendar and tossed into the bin, just like these Raccoons.

Projected matchups:
Angelo Montano (2-3, 3.33 ERA) vs. Jose Moreno (4-5, 3.11 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (5-7, 4.63 ERA) vs. Rick Haugh (1-5, 4.76 ERA)
Nelson Moreno (5-5, 4.43 ERA) vs. Jeremy Truett (5-4, 4.39 ERA)

We’d expertly avoid their lefty, Noe Candeloro (4-6, 3.96 ERA). Because that is what we do.

San Fran also had a rush of injuries, but in their case it was mostly pitchers. Ryan Kinner, Tom Miller, Tim Thweatt, Garrett Sutherland… all on the DL, and some more.

We did not skip Montano on this off day, because why hurt him? It’s enough when my soul is stepped on with cleats. And it’s not like anybody dies to see the other two clowns we’d offer up…

Game 1
POR: 3B Ramos – RF Nettles – LF Fernandez – CF Maldonado – C Morales – 1B Levis – 2B Trevino – SS Nickas – P Montano
SFB: CF M. Hall – 3B Barcia – RF D. Martinez – 2B G. Ortiz – LF M. Castillo – 1B S. Ayala – C Canas – SS Clary – P J. Moreno

Montano had one of those days, putting the first two batters on in both of the first two innings. Somehow, the Bayhawks scored only a run in the second inning on a Rodrigo Canas single, while both times they smashed into a double play to kill their shot at turning Montano inside out. The first two Bayhawks were on AGAIN in the bottom 3rd, this time with Mike Hall reaching on a Montano error before he walked Sergio Barcia. Dave Martinez struck out, but Greg Ortiz whacked a home run to right that sent the score to 4-0 and led me to mark up a big fat L in the pocket schedule.

Montano got shanked for good in the fourth inning. Canas opened with a first-pitch groundout, and that was the last out Montano got. He walked Eric Clary on nine pitches, then mishandled Moreno’s bunt to add an extra runner. Hall hit an RBI single, and Barcia walked on four pitches to drive in the final nail. Zimmerman replaced Montano with one across, three on, and nobody out, and the team down by five already. Two pitches later, Dave Martinez hit a grand slam, 9-0.

After five innings of nothing, the Raccoons piled it on Moreno in the sixth inning, but even when they scored five runs in the inning, they were still behind by a slam (hah!). Nickas singled, was bunted to second, and Berto reached on an error. Nettles singled in a run, as did Manny, and Maldo hit an RBI double. Even Levis chipped something in, plating two runs with a single before the inning ended with Cosmo flying out to center. Three runs were unearned. Those were also the final runs in he game, with the Raccoons not reaching as much as second base from that point onwards and losing comfortably instead. 9-5 Bayhawks. Nettles 2-4, RBI; Maldonado 2-4, 2B, RBI; Trawick (PH) 1-1; Zabala 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

Game 2
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – LF Fernandez – CF Maldonado – C Morales – 1B Levis – RF Balaski – SS Trawick – P Chavez
SFB: CF M. Hall – 1B S. Ayala – C J. Davis – RF D. Martinez – 3B Barcia – LF M. Castillo – 2B G. Ortiz – SS Clary – P Haugh

While Bernie Chavez stranded one runner in the first, two in the second, three in the third, and I was worried how many more bases there could possibly be, the Raccoons had also tossed away a few early chances. In three innings, Berto hit a leadoff single twice, once in conjunction with Cosmo, and was never scored by the lame ducks behind him in the order. The scoring drought would finally be broken in the fifth inning with a longball, so of course it was the Bayhawks taking the lead on Boom-Boom Chavez, who gave up a solo bomb to Josh Davis. The Raccoons instantly responded by having Maldonado and Morales take the corners with a pair of 2-out singles in the sixth… and with Doug Levis striking out to leave them there. Bernie also managed to hit into a double play in the seventh, and left dangling from the hook after seven innings pitched and 109 baseballs thrown, down 1-0.

He didn’t remain there. Berto hit ANOTHER leadoff single off the first reliever up, Michael Zabek, and the rest of the bums finally woke up. Cosmo walked Josh Wilkes, and Maldonado knocked an RBI double off Trevor Corrigan to tie the game and place two 1-out runners in scoring position for Tony Morales. The Baybirds’ fourth pitcher of the inning, Tony Rivas, threw a wild pitch to put Portland ahead, 2-1, then gave up an RBI single to Morales. Then “Double Play” Levis douged into a Dougie play, ending the inning. Portland shrugged and used Chuck Jones and Alex Ramirez to cover the eighth at the cost of a single, but no runs, while in the top 9th they got singles from Balaski and Kilmer, and then a pinch-hit double play grounder by Lando. That still left a 3-1 lead to blow for Hamill, with Mel Castillo hitting a leadoff single right away. Alas, Greg Ortiz grounded at second base, and Lando started a 4-6-3 to get that pesky runner dealt with, too. Clary flew out to Fernandez, ending the game. 3-1 Blighters. Ramos 3-4; Maldonado 2-4, 2B, RBI; Morales 2-4, RBI; Kilmer (PH) 1-1; Chavez 7.0 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, W (6-7);

Oh, I have no doubts they’ll reach their goal of dropping under .500 sooner rather than later. Next chance will already be there on Monday at this rate.

Game 3
POR: 3B Ramos – RF Balaski – LF Fernandez – CF Maldonado – C Kilmer – 2B Trawick – 1B Reyna – SS Nickas – P N. Moreno
SFB: CF M. Hall – 1B S. Ayala – C J. Davis – RF D. Martinez – 3B Barcia – LF M. Castillo – 2B G. Ortiz – SS Clary – P Truett

Portland scored first for once, getting Berto on and developing a Ramos Special with a stolen base, a Balaski single, and a Manny Fernandez sac fly to get him across. Balaski would then score on a throwing error by Davis. Then the Bayhawks went to work on Moreno, who was whipped for three hits and two runs in the same inning. The runs were unearned thanks to a Berto error on Davis’ grounder. And that, kids, is what we call the circle of life.

The Coons got him another lead in the second with Miguel Reyna’s leadoff triple and Nickas’ run-scoring grounder, but that, too, was transient. Moreno allowed another two hard hits, with Mike Hall singling home Eric Clary in the bottom 2nd, tying the game at three. Barcia and Castillo were in scoring position with two outs in the bottom 3rd. The Raccoons elected to walk Clary intentionally, so the pitcher would come up. Well, the pitcher whipped a ******* 2-run single, Hall knocked an RBI single to right, 6-3, and Moreno was yanked before even completing three innings this time. Brent Clark got the final out instead, then actually hit a 2-out single with nobody on (and nobody following on either) in the fourth inning. The Raccoons didn’t get another hit until Cosmo slapped a 2-run single that was overran / fallen on by Dave Martinez for an extra base in the seventh, leading to an unearned run that narrowed the score to 6-4 (not that it did not still FEEL like 10 runs difference). Trawick hit a 2-out double in the eighth, but for a lack of support that, too, dissipated into nothingness. The ninth saw the Raccoons still down by two after some stubborn refusal to yield by Zimmerman, Lindstrom, and Jones through the innings. They faced right-hander Jon Salls. Nettles hit for Nickas to begin the inning, but made a soft out. Cosmo was still in the #9 hole (with Berto gone) and singled. Tony Morales batted for Chuck Jones in the #1 slot, struck out, and a wild pitch moved the count on Balaski to 3-1 and Cosmo to second base, but Cosmo’s run didn’t count – Balaski was the tying run. The count ran full, and then Balaski slapped a grounder through the right side. Cosmo came around to score, 6-5, and Manny now could do some actual damage. Instead, he grounded out. 6-5 Bayhawks. Ramos 2-3, BB, RBI; Balaski 2-5, RBI; Trevino (PH) 2-2; Zimmerman 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K;

In other news

June 18 – Four Thunder – Jesus Adames (.280, 8 HR, 22 RBI), Danny Cruz (.304, 15 HR, 39 RBI), John Marz (.241, 7 HR, 29 RBI), and Jesse Stedham (.264, 2 HR, 13 RBI) – pound out four base hits each and drive in nine runs between them in the Thunder’s 12-11 squeeze win in 10 innings over the Aces.
June 19 – The Buffaloes celebrate a 10th-inning walkoff win, 2-1, over the Rebels when RIC MR Jose Colon (2-3, 4.88 ERA) issues them three walks in the inning before third-string backstop Dan Sarro (.328, 0 HR, 7 RBI) loses another offering for a passed ball that allows the winning run to score.
June 22 – Nashville’s SP Matt Hose (8-6, 4.14 ERA) and CL Alex Banderas (2-6, 5.40 ERA, 20 SV) pitch a combined 1-hitter for a 3-1 win over the Gold Sox. Denver’s only hit is a single by C/1B Jeff Wilson (.259, 8 HR, 41 RBI) and their only run is unearned.
June 23 – NAS 3B/2B Jim “Mastodon” Allen (.316, 6 HR, 29 RBI) drives in six runs on three hits in a 12-8 shootout win over the Gold Sox.

FL Player of the Week: LAP INF/CF Brian Bowman (.341, 9 HR, 50 RBI), hitting .444 (12-27) with 2 HR, 7 RBI
CL Player of the Week: VAN LF/RF Justin Becker (.295, 3 HR, 22 RBI), batting .435 (10-23) with 2 HR, 5 RBI

Complaints and stuff

I feel nothing.

Reportedly, Juan Zabala also feels nothing in his throwing arm and Dr. Padilla is investigating. Oh no, how would we live without the backbone of our league-worst bullpen??

Steve Nickas got a new number, sporting #36 now. He used to wear #26, which has since gone to Bill Balaski.

We will face some actual winning teams next week (Falcons, Loggers), so I have zero doubt that we will reach that losing record next week, and then there’ll be no stopping them in a race for 100 losses. Maybe even 110, who knows!

Something for the soul? Ed Hooge hit a walkoff homer for the Stars this week, a come-from-behind 2-piece to beat the Warriors on Tuesday. He is batting .277 with three homers in the same part-time role he always had in Portland.

Fun Fact: No CL North team has ever lost 110 games in a season.

WELL, SOMEBODY’S ALWAYS THE FIRST!!