Yes, Nick, total shambles. – Yes, an absolute digrace. – Yes, heads should roll. – Wait, Nick, you’re not talking about the players??
Raccoons (47-51) vs. Condors (46-53) – July 25-27, 2039
The Raccoons still had a positive run differential (+4), but another week of suck should take care of that. The Condors were also crummy throughout (-13 RD) and average to meh in many ways. I am probably selling short that we were still third in runs scored, but that, too, had a half-life measured in days rather than months now. The Coons led the season series, 2-1, alas …
Projected matchups:
Ryan Bedrosian (7-2, 3.66 ERA) vs. Bill Quintero (5-13, 4.61 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (9-5, 3.01 ERA) vs. Edward Flinn (7-8, 4.53 ERA)
Drew Johnson (7-6, 3.29 ERA) vs. Zach Warner (4-2, 3.27 ERA)
Only right-handers to contend with here. They had quite the DL with Ignacio del Rio, Dylan Ragsdale, Willie Ojeda, and a few more bits and pieces all on the shelf.
Don’t go on my nipples, Nick, I have photos. – Of your grandfather. – I HAVE PHOTOS!!
Game 1
TIJ: SS Strohm – 1B McGrath – CF Simmons – RF Dunlap – C Wall – 3B R. West – LF J. Williams – 2B Ferrero – P Quintero
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – LF M. Fernandez – RF Greenway – 1B Anderson – CF Maldonado – C Morales – SS E. Williams – P Bedrosian
Single, single, Noel Ferrero (ex-Coon!) error, and we had the bases loaded with nobody out in the bottom of the first. Portland scored all of one run from the chance – on a wild pitch. Greenway popped out, Anderson and Maldonado both whiffed, and I hated every second of my very existence, which included sitting between Slappy and Nick Valdes on the trusty brown couch. And Slappy was not the problem. Bedrosian countered the unexpected 1-0 lead with three walks and an RBI single allowed to Bill Quintero in the second inning, with Chris Strohm’s sac fly to Greenway in plenty deep right giving them a 2-1 lead before Kevin McGrath struck out to strand a pair. Like I said, I despised every fiber in my body – and the players’.
The players tied the game in the bottom 2nd on singles by Morales, Ramos, and Trevino. Manny Fernandez legged out an infield single before Troy Greenway hit a bases-clearing triple to right-center, then twisted his knee sliding around Rhett West and had to come out of the game in favor of Brad Ledford. Anderson grounded out to end the bottom 2nd, with Portland up 5-2. By the third, we got advance notice from Dr. Padilla that we’d have to get someone from AAA for Greenway, which was sweet. I liked how the Druid handled injuries back in the day – being zoomed out on shrooms for three days until you didn’t bother anymore and learning about this and that season-ending injury resulted in more of a ho-hum reaction.
While the Raccoons got a run balked in by a soon-departed Quintero in the fourth to add to their lead, 6-2, Bedrosian held out through seven after the dismal second inning, walking only one more batter and whiffing seven for a decent result. After he departed, Brad Ledford singled off Gabe McGill in the bottom 7th, stole a base, and came around to score with Maldonado singling and Morales grounding out. Justin Simmons and Tom Dunlap hit singles off Brent Clark in the eighth, but Kurt Wall (another ex-Coon!) hit into a double play to end the inning. There was markedly less success to Jared Ottinger’s outing in the ninth, with him walking Rhett West, throwing a wild pitch, and walking Noel Ferrero, too. Garavito replaced him, saw Chris Murphy reach on a Trevino error, a run scored, and then Strohm’s infield single loaded the bases. Exit Garavito, enter Campbell, with Tijuana going down on a McGrath K and a Simmons groundout to Joel Hernandez at the dicey corner. 7-3 Critters. Ramos 3-5; Trevino 3-4, BB, RBI; Greenway 1-2, 3B, 3 RBI; Bedrosian 7.0 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 4 BB, 7 K, W (8-2);
Roster move: Jared Ottinger (7.71 ERA) was banished to AAA again, and Troy Greenway was moved to the DL with a knee contusion that would take up to two weeks to heal. Cory Cronk, 2032 third-rounder, would come up and play some outfield for us. He had been in five games for the 2037 Critters, hitting nothing. He was .271 with 13 homers in AAA this year.
Nelson Fonseca meanwhile was promoted from St. Pete for the pen. The 25-year-old right-hander had been a scouting discovery almost a decade ago and had been in St. Pete since ’36 posting crummy results. He threw 99 and it had a tendency to land far away.
That’s the 2039 Coons. Everything’s crummy.
Game 2
TIJ: SS Strohm – 1B McGrath – CF Simmons – RF Dunlap – C Wall – 3B R. West – LF C. Murphy – 2B Ferrero – P Flinn
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – C Kilmer – LF M. Fernandez – RF Cronk – CF Malonado – 1B Anderson – SS E. Williams – P Sabre
After a decent first, Sabre was lit up for a 3-spot in the second inning, which included Wall and Chris Murphy hitting sharp singles, and with the Condors already up 1-0 a long homer to left from Noel Ferrero. Of course, always the ex-Coon that never did a ******* thing in the brown shirt. – I know, Nick, you are incensed. Who isn’t.
Portland loaded the bases with nobody out in the bottom 2nd. Cory Cronk walked, Maldonado singled, and Anderson walked again. Flinn walked in a run against Elijah Williams before Sabre hit a sac fly. Berto struck out, Cosmo flew out to center, and the Raccoons remained 3-2 behind. That was still the score when an ineffective Sabre, held together by defense and duct tape, was yanked in the sixth after both Dunlap and West reached base. Two down, David Fernandez came in for Chris Murphy. He then fell to 3-0, but Murphy poked, grounding to the right side. Anderson with the ball, toss to Fernandez – and he dropped it!! FOR ****’S SAKE!!! … Bases loaded for the Condors, .213 slugger Noel Ferrero up, with one home run on the season (grumble). Fernandez walked him in a full count, 4-2, then somehow struck out Flinn to end the inning…
Edward Flinn walked six Raccoons in a horrendous start, but nevertheless maintained the lead through seven innings. They were stuck on four base hits through seven, and through eight, then brought the bottom of the order up against closer Steve Bailey in the bottom 9th. Oliver Anderson singled up the middle before advancing on a wild pitch. Bailey had Williams at 0-2, then walked him anyway, bringing up the winning run in PH Danny Monge, who masterfully hit into a double play. Berto grounded out to Ferrero at second base for the final howl in the game. 4-2 Condors. Maldonado 3-4; Williams 0-1, 3 BB, RBI; Miller 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 0 K;
Maud! – Maud! – Maud, did Nick Valdes say anything to you? – No, he just got up and walked out.
Game 3
TIJ: SS Strohm – 1B McGrath – CF Simmons – RF Dunlap – C Wall – 3B R. West – LF C. Murphy – 2B Ferrero – P Z. Warner
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – LF M. Fernandez – CF Maldonado – RF Cronk – C Morales – 1B Monge – SS E. Williams – P Johnson
Warner started with free passes to Berto and Cosmo, then threw a wild pitch. Manny Fernandez clipped a single to right for an instant 2-0 lead. A Ferrero error put Maldonado on, and Tony Morales drove in a run after Cronk’s strikeout and before Monge kept sabotaging every move we made. Williams popped out, stranding two in a 3-0 game. While Monge made a dumb error to allow Tom Dunlap to reach at the start of the top 2nd, Williams turned a 6-4-3 on Kurt Wall, then threw away a grounder by Rhett West for a 2-base error. – Slappy, I’ll have some One-Eyed Jack’s. The Special Edition with the warning label. – Thank you.
Tony Morales homered to right in the third inning, collecting Cory Cronk for a 5-0 lead that looked more comfy than it was because of no defense to speak of behind Drew Johnson, and he had also needed 49 pitches in just three innings, and walking Dunlap and Wall in long counts in the fourth was not exactly what we liked to see, either. He then hit a leadoff single off Warner to begin the bottom 4th. Berto walked, Cosmo singled, three on with nobody out again. Oh boy. Manny’s grounder and Maldo’s sac fly brought in a run each. Cory Cronk’s foul pop didn’t. Up by seven, Johnson finished six on exactly 100 pitches, which was all we’d gonna get from him. The Raccoons exploded for four runs on Dave Martinez in the bottom of the sixth, with a 3-run homer by Danny Monge that surprised everybody, even himself. The Raccoons tacked on two runs without doing anything but drawing walks off Omar Uribe in the bottom 8th; Uribe walked in a run, and plated another with a wild pitch. It was that sort of game. The Raccoons for once just had to stay still and win convincingly. 13-0 Raccoons!! Ramos 0-2, 4 BB; Maldonado 2-4, RBI; Morales 4-4, BB, HR, 2B, 4 RBI; Monge 2-3, 2 BB, HR, 3 RBI; Johnson 6.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 6 K, W (8-6) and 1-3; Fonseca 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;
Two scoreless for Nelson Fonseca in his major league debut!
Raccoons (49-52) vs. Bayhawks (53-48) – July 29-31, 2039
We were, inexplicably, 6-0 against the Baybirds in 2039, which was the only crimp in their year. They were leading the South and could be more convincingly doing so without the Coons stumbling from win to win to win against them. They were second in runs scored, but in the bottom three in runs allowed, hinting subtly at some issues with roster construction, as was the CL-worst rotation by ERA.
Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (5-8, 3.79 ERA) vs. Josh Long (13-4, 3.01 ERA)
Steve Fidler (2-5, 4.09 ERA) vs. Rick Haugh (4-6, 4.66 ERA)
Ryan Bedrosian (8-2, 3.60 ERA) vs. Noe Candeloro (1-5, 5.50 ERA)
Southpaw on Sunday – unless they utilized their off day to skip Jose Moreno (5-9, 4.69 ERA) into the set. Why would they, though?
Amazingly, they were second in runs scored with the third-worst batting average. Homers galore, plus drawing a great many walks. Maybe we should put Bernie in protective foil or something. You know, Maud, the sort with the little air bubbles that you can pop.
Game 1
SFB: CF M. Hall – 2B Schneller – 1B Oshiita – RF D. Martinez – SS Greer – C Sailas – 3B Barcia – LF Calderon – P Long
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – LF M. Fernandez – CF Maldonado – RF Ledford – 1B Anderson – SS Williams – C Morales – P Chavez
Berto singled, Cosmo was nicked, and Manny homered to right-center – another 3-0 lead in the first inning! Tony Morales added a solo bomb in the second, while only Sergio Barcia challenged either Bernie Chavez or the Raccoons defense the first time through, flying out to Manny at the fence in the third inning. Bernie retired 11 in a row, then allowed singles to Dick Oshiita and Dave Martinez before hitting Marshall Greer. Uh-oh, Cristiano, I hear a giant gong tolling to announce impending doom. – Didn’t you hear it, too? – You must booze more. – (Slappy nods approvingly) … Robbie Sailas hit a sharp 2-out grounder to the right side, but Cosmo remained on it and played it to first to end the inning before it could all fall apart once more.
Back-to-back doubles by Williams and Morales tacked on another run in the fourth inning, and the 5-0 lead remained true into the late innings, with the Bayhawks not reaching scoring position anymore as long as Bernie Chavez was on the mound. Unfortunately, he ran out of pitches before ending the game. Dan Schneller hit a 2-out single in the eighth on his 112th pitch, and that was deemed enough. Garavito replaced him and retired nobody, walking Dick Oshiita, allowing an RBI single to Dave Martinez, hit Marshall Greer, and allowed two runs to a Robbie Sailas single with the bases loaded. Enter Prieto, Barcia grounder to short, inning over. Portland countered with a run made out of a Maldonado double and an Anderson single off Jon Salls in the bottom 8th, then sent Jermaine Campbell, who allowed singles to Oscar Calderon and Mike Hall… and then somehow got a double play grounder from famed and fabled coonskinner Dan Schneller to end the game. 6-3 Coons. M. Fernandez 2-4, HR, 3 RBI; Anderson 2-4, RBI; Morales 2-3, HR, 2B, 2 RBI; Chavez 7.2 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 8 K, W (6-8);
Starting to think the 2-year deal with Mauricio Garavito was a hit too enthusiastic……
7-0 and hopefully counting!
Game 2
SFB: CF M. Hall – 2B Schneller – 1B Oshiita – RF D. Martinez – SS Greer – C Sailas – 3B Barcia – LF Calderon – P Haugh
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – CF Maldonado – LF M. Fernandez – RF Ledford – C Morales – SS Williams – 1B Monge – P Fidler
While Fidler faced the minimum the first time through, with one hit and a double play in the box scored, the Raccoons had three hits, two double plays, and nothing to show for but another broken bottle on the ground in my office. Top 4th, Mike Hall singled, Dan Schneller homered to dead-center, I sighed. Bottom 4th, leadoff double by Maldonado. He scored on two groundouts, but the Raccoons kept going, putting Tony Morales, suddenly red hot, on with a single, and then Elijah Williams went well yard to left, flipping the score in the Raccoons’ favor, 3-2.
While Fidler allowed three hits and one walk through six innings, the Raccoons had Maldonado on base with a leadoff single in the bottom 6th. He stole second, then advanced on Manny’s groundout again. Ledford however struck out, and Morales flew out, stranding him there. Fidler was gone with two outs in the seventh after Marshall Greer had made it to second base after another Elijah Williams error. Crucially, left-hander Vinny Chavira pinch-hit for Barcia, and the Raccoons went to David Fernandez. He went into Ledford’s slot, Cory Cronk taking over rightfield in the double switch. The ploy worked, with Chavira striking out, stranding the tying run in scoring position, but Cronk hit into a double play after Monge’s 1-out single off Haugh in the bottom of the inning… Fernandez got one more out before being relieved by Prieto. Eduardo Umanzor hit a pinch-hit single. Dan Schneller hit another 2-piece, flipping the score again… SIGH.
Bottom 8th, Cosmo singled to left, then stole second base, his 26th of the year. That was with one out and Maldo up. Two groundouts stranded him at third base, which was such a delight. Prieto and Brent Clark held out in the ninth, after which we faced Tim Thweatt for the 6,000th time. The #5 slot led off, thus we’d open with a pinch-hitter, Ed Hooge, who flew out to center. Tony Morales, very much white hot now, staved off defeat with a homer to right! Tied score, all at four! Williams singled, and Anderson hit for Monge and walked in a full count, which meant 0-for-19 (in his career) Cory Cronk was next. Well, at least he was fast and wouldn’t hit into a double play. He struck out, Berto flew out to center, and the game went to extras.
There, Jermaine Campbell sucked, allowed a single to Oscar Calderon AGAIN, then walked the bags full with Hall and Schneller. While Justin Uliasz whiffed for the second out, Dave Martinez zinged a 2-out, 2-run single to break the tie against the Critters. Greer flew out to left, and the Raccoons choked in the bottom of the 10th against nothing-righty Josh Wilkes. 6-4 Bayhawks. Maldonado 2-5, 2B; Morales 3-4, HR, RBI; Williams 2-4, HR, 2 RBI; Monge 2-3;
I can’t have anything nice.
Ever.
(Honeypaws stares blankly into the distance out of his googly black glass eyes)
Game 3
SFB: CF M. Hall – 2B Schneller – 1B Oshiita – RF D. Martinez – SS Greer – C Sailas – 3B Barcia – LF Dahlman – P J. Moreno
POR: 3B Ramos – 2B Trevino – SS Maldonado – LF M. Fernandez – C Kilmer – CF Hooge – 1B Monge – RF Cronk – P Bedrosian
The southpaw didn’t materialize, so the Raccoons had an all-righty week for their opposition. Dave Martinez also doubled home Mike Hall in the first, giving Jose Moreno a lead as he took the baseball. Cory Cronk had his first major league hit, a 2-out single in the bottom 2nd that sent Danny Monge to third base and set up Bedrosian, who tied the game with another single up the middle before Berto popped out. Moreno tried to make a comeback with a leadoff single off Bedrosian in the third, but was doubled up by Hall, and instead Cosmo hit a leadoff single, stole second base, and scored on Manny’s base hit to right in the bottom 3rd, giving Portland the lead. Hoogey added an RBI double with two outs before Monge flew out to center, and we were up 3-1 through three.
While Bedrosian flirted with disaster, stranding the tying runs on the corners in the fourth, he also hit another single to right in the bottom of the inning. That one chased Cory Cronk from first to third, and once Martinez threw the ball away allowed the rookie to score, 4-1. Then the Bayhawks ripped into him anyway. Josh Dahlman double, Mike Hall triple, a Schneller sac fly, and the lead was whittled down to 4-3 in the top of the fifth. What an acquisition this Ryan Bedrosian was… He walked two in the sixth before being yanked. Chris Miller cleaned up behind him – barely.
The Raccoons lingered with their tiny lead; David Fernandez put Oshiita on base in the seventh, but got a double play grounder from Martinez. Fonseca allowed a walk to Sailas in the eighth before Garavito got a double play grounder from PH Vinny Chavira. We were however stuck with Garavito for the ninth, too; Prieto and Campbell had both been out two days in a row, with long outings on Saturday. The only other reliever remaining was Brent Clark. Josh Dahlman struck out to begin the ninth. Umanzor grounded out to Berto. Hall singled to left. Schneller singled to center. Mound conference! At least Oshiita was up, a left-hander, but somehow Garavito’s eyes were filled with foreboding. He knew he had no idea how to get him out. After 803 apperances in the Bigs you just know, I guess. Oshiita snapped a grounder right at Cosmo, who remained in control of the play, and zinged the ball to first base to end the game. 4-3 Coons. Trevino 2-4, 2B; Cronk 2-4;
In other news
July 25 – The Falcons get offensive help with 38-year-old LF/RF Ken Gibbs (.304, 3 HR, 20 RBI). The Cyclones receive two prospects in exchange, including #70 CL Pedro de Leon.
July 26 – Vancouver INF Ramon Cabral (.243, 6 HR, 41 RBI) drives in six runs from the #8 hole in a 14-3 rush of the Bayhawks.
July 27 – The Falcons acquire 1B Justin LeClerc (.313, 8 HR, 48 RBI) from the Knights for LF/RF/1B Graciano Salto (.279, 5 HR, 35 RBI); they further trade SP Keith Black (6-10, 3.79 ERA) and cash to the Pacifics for 1B Mike Taylor, who had been in AAA all year, and a prospect.
July 27 – VAN MR Raymond Pearce (0-1, 11.57 ERA) has already walked the bases full, then strikes the Bayhawks’ Vinny Chavira (.243, 5 HR, 22 RBI) with an 0-2 pitch to hand a 4-3 walkoff win to San Francisco.
July 28 – CHA SP Jose Lerma (6-9, 3.49 ERA) goes eight innings for the win in a 5-3 victory over the Crusaders, sealing his 250th major league win. The 40-year-old Lerma, the 2023 FL Pitcher of the Year, is 250-226 with a 3.44 ERA and 3,597 strikeouts in his 20-year career.
July 28 – The Titans’ SP Rich Willett (11-5, 3.06 ERA) 3-hits the Thunder in a 5-0 shutout. Willett walks nobody and strikes out nine.
July 28 – Shoulder inflammation ends the season of NAS SP Geoff Whitehouse (7-1, 3.81 ERA). The Blue Sox hurriedly trade for Dallas’ SP/MR Tim Hale (11-5, 4.10 ERA), parting with two prospects.
July 29 – The Falcons send SP/MR Lorenzo Campos (7-4, 4.25 ERA) to the Cyclones for #21 prospect C David Pinedo.
July 30 – The Loggers get blitzed on three hits by OCT SP Chris Inderrieden (10-9, 3.00 ERA) in an 11-0 Thunder shutout.
July 31 – The Loggers walk off on the Thunder, 1-0 in ten innings, when infielder Ted Del Vecchio (.295, 8 HR, 50 RBI) draws a bases-loaded walk off Oklahoma’s Jake Bonnie (5-5, 4.47 ERA, 9 SV) in the bottom 10th.
FL Player of the Week: PIT 1B Danny Santillano (.348, 28 HR, 84 RBI), hitting .435 (10-23) with 4 HR, 7 RBI
CL Player of the Week: POR C Tony Morales (.280, 8 HR, 30 RBI), batting .667 (10-15) with 3 HR, 8 RBI
FL Hitter of the Month: PIT 1B Danny Santillano (.348, 28 HR, 84 RBI), swatting .427 with 10 HR, 24 RBI
CL Hitter of the Month: CHA INF/LF/RF Jose Farfan (.309, 13 HR, 63 RBI), poking .340 with 7 HR, 22 RBI
FL Pitcher of the Month: PIT SP Roberto Pruneda (9-11, 3.25 ERA), rallying at 5-1, 1.62 ERA, 34 K
CL Pitcher of the Month: VAN SP Matt Sealock (13-3, 3.12 ERA), lucking out with 5-0, 3.14 ERA, 33 K
FL Rookie of the Month: DEN 1B Mark Cahill (.295, 11 HR, 55 RBI), hitting .292 with 2 HR, 13 RBI
CL Rookie of the Month: IND OF David Gonzales (.301, 9 HR, 27 RBI), batting .346 with 3 HR, 7 RBI
Complaints and stuff
Should have traded with the Falcons. They have no clue what the **** they’re doing.
In the end, no trades were made. I couldn’t get the high-ranking prospects I thought we deserved. Things will have to develop in the winter. I doubt we will have the money needed to get all the pitching required to turn this one into a winner again.
Tony Morales has a 12-game hitting streak. The Raccoons also somehow posted a winning week despite being consistently crummy.
None of it matters. The season is in the bin, next year is a mystery, and there’s a guy standing in the door to Maud’s room, saying Nick Valdes has appointed him as the new GM. I’ll have to sort that one out. (coolly reveals the blunderbuss previously hidden under the desk)
(just as the new GM turns to flee, he stares into Maud’s ebony-handled XS-size revolver)
(Cristiano Carmona races towards him, screaming, with rotating scythe blades protruding from both of his rear wheels)
Fun Fact: The Raccoons previously went 8-1 against the Bayhawks three times.
1986, 2018, 2024 – all not exactly seasons to remember. Only once did we make the playoffs in a year we beat the Bayhawks eight times (2018), and then also fell short in the CLCS.
+++
Service announcement: Don’t wait for an update tomorrow. Colorado comes out for American Truck Simulator, and I need to chase down I-84 and I-70 from Portland to check it out 