It’s been said that Seattle’s Trader Jerry has never seen a deal he didn’t like, that his goal in life, besides mindless disruption, is to pull off one big trade that would forever alter the landscape of the MLB and usher in an era of Mariner dominance. Thus far, any ill-gotten gains Jerry has produced haven’t had the desired effect – the Mariners are still bad, his ‘re-imagining’ effort hasn’t left the faithful with much to daydream about, and baseball in Seattle is on thin ice with the Kraken set to debut on the scene in 2021.
About that, though… Jerry, in his infinite wisdom, found a way to turn the Mariners into a powerhouse. Now, as you well know, finding a way to turn a major league ballclub into a perennial powerhouse and putting yourself on that path are two very different things… and this route to baseball badassery would not be easy to pull off. But, in attacking things with dogged determination and an unrealistic belief in his ability to do so, Trader Jerry and his merry men managed to pull off what some view as the baseball coup of the century.
After a series of backroom deals conducted in dimly lit rooms with some of the shadiest characters you’d ever care to meet, Trader Jerry took the Mariners charter and docked it in the Pacific League of [league redacted]. Well, I’ve oversimplified here a bit, what had happened was… Trader Jerry traded the Seattle Mariners to the *** for the Tohoku Rakuten Golden Eagles, who will, presumedly, ply their trade in the AL West of the MLB.
The reactions to this development, in and around the PNW, were, decidedly, mixed – but, one thing is clear… if there was one move that could result in a playoff bid and eventual championship for the hapless M’s, this was it. The M’s now have a chance – an opportunity to etch their names into the annuals of time – as they embark on their quest to be a winner, to run roughshod over the ***, and to, hopefully, go down as one of the greatest clubs to ever quest for the championship in Japan.
This, then, is the story of Seager-san, the Seattle Mariners, and their anthropomorphic moose laying it all on the line in the pursuit of their first-ever professional baseball championship.
Side note: After the club was officially moved to the ***, our previous owner sold it to a gentleman named Suzunosuke Watanabe, who, then turned around and hired me (my name, of course, is Max Dubois, pleased to meet you). Don’t worry, I kept Jerry in the fold – he’s my assistant now – we had to take his keys away, so he wouldn’t go trade crazy and mess this up for us.