[Westheim]

(deep sigh)

Alright.

(moves paws around purposelessly)

Well, you see, it is what it is. There is … it’s the Spilled Milk Principle. There is no point in lapping it up now. (pause) … (looks over the front edge of the desk) … I *said* – there is no point in lapping it up now!! (bangs fist on table, sends Ed Hooge scurrying out of the office)

The good news was that the nightmare was over and we could all delve into the offseason with high spirits. And all the key personnel would stay with Portland – Maud was going to continue to entertain sponsors and prevent me from sticking my head through a sling, Chad would continue to drive me up the wall by wiggling the antlers on his toy elk which I was totally going to shove into one of his body openings before Christmas, scout guy was gonna keep scouting guys, Slappy would be reliably found in the same spot, and Cristiano would – … what *are* you doing here, actually, Cristiano? – No, I don’t. – I’d say you sit around all day and do very little work, but that’s already Slappy’s job… (Slappy approvingly lifts his bottle, briefly)

There was ONE departure though; Dr. Chung handed in his resignation, declaring he had been recalled to Pyongyang to head the party’s medical research facility in a secret underground bunker. – What are you researching there, Dr. Chung? – A-ha. – A-ha. – So, so. – So you test that on animals? – No? On what then? – (turns pale)

Well, we were in the market for a new trainer. Maybe this time we’ll sign one that actually cares about the players.

There was also a new budget, with our stash of Monopoly money increased to $41M this season. That was only $500k more than last year, but we also hadn’t spent nearly all of it. $2.4M were left over, so Nick Valdes used that to argue that we had a $3M budget raise. Cunning logic. – Maud, are there any certified assassins on the personnel market? – Yes, please check.

The Raccoons remained 11th in terms of budget richness. The top teams in terms of ability to throw money around were the Capitals ($52M), Blue Sox ($48.5M), Condors ($47M), Warriors ($46M), and – tied for 5th – Titans and Cyclones ($45M each).

The bottom five consisted of the Indians ($31.5M), Falcons ($30.5M), Thunder ($29.4M), Loggers ($28.2M), and Rebels ($26.2M). The missing CL North teams sat in 9th (VAN, $42.5M) and t-15th (NYC, $35M).

The average budget was $38.6M, about $650k more than a year ago (just like last year). The median budget amounted to $39.75M, which was up a swift million bucks from last season.

+++

And with that, we were in the part of the early-day offseason where we’d talk about what did and didn’t work and why everything crashed and burned and what we were trying to fix to make it all whole next year. Like every year. Well, at least this time I had the cold comfort to have had a hunch before the season – the rotation wasn’t great, I said, or something. It was *good*.

Well, it ******* wasn’t that. The Raccoons’ rotation came in third from the bottom in the Continental League, because it fell apart with great noise, a spectacle that never really stopped being marvelous for six whole months. Going back to our Opening Day rotation, Josh Weeks was purged in May, Bernie Chavez tied his worst-ever qualifying ERA (with a good helping from the defense there…), and Jared Ottinger was sent to St. Petersburg in the summer, which helped not one bit. Raffaello Sabre was decent as usual but also up-and-down as usual, levelling out at a typical Raffaello Sabre result, ERA good bit under four and a losing record… The sole bright spot was Bryce Sparkes, who entertained triple crown thoughts in July before a mediocre last dozen starts took it all away and he didn’t even finish in the top three in any category. He still easily won the team triple crown, and there wasn’t much competition at all.

That Justin Fowler deal last winter was probably among the best ones this team made in recent years. Not only did we get fire off the bench in Brad Ledford, but also Steve Fidler, who was called up after starting the year in AAA and posted a 10-4 record with a 2.61 ERA in 138 innings. Don’t get excited – he’s already 27 and this will probably have been the best we’ll ever get out of him. At least he makes the minimum.

The bullpen was solid with the usual personnel, although we’ll get back to that in a second. The offense was of course a delight, scoring 758 runs, tied for second in the CL (with the Loggers) and the fifth-most in franchise history. All the top four seasons came during the 1989-1996 dynasty. How did Daniel Hall, Vern Kinnear, and Neil Reece stack up to Manny Fernandez, Jesus Maldonado, and Troy Greenway? Well, no one of the olden guys ever hit 42 bombs for sure. Neil Reece won three Gold Gloves in centerfield, and Jesus Maldonado might win one at some point if we stop playing him at short.

Speaking of short – Dave Myers executed his player option worth $1.8M for 2039, which was not exactly something that made me all giddy inside. The porous left side of the infield (not that the right side was much better) was a big reason for our pitchers’ struggles, and because Berto couldn’t play short anymore, Myers had played short, but that had not been all that productive (-2.4 ZR) and on top of that the usually reliable .270/.370/.370 hitter had flailed away for a .246/.320/.301 slash line. Paying $1.8M to him in ’39 was akin to burning it and the Raccoons had to work something out here.

Berto was of course a free agent. His batting had been below league average for three years, and his defense in the first half of last year had drawn reviews normally reserved for snuff movies. He cost 1.6 wins with his glove and was good for 2.0 wins with his stick, making him a $2.5M, half-a-WAR player.

Now, OPS+ was flawed in one way, namely it didn’t recognize stolen bases for any sort of value. Of course Berto had seen some 600 PA and had poked 141 hits, 128 of those singles. But he had also swiped 37 bases with a success rate of 77%. Say that 80% of those steals are probably going first-to-second with no other runner aboard, and now you have turned a single into a double. If he had hit 42 rather than 12 doubles, he’d have slugged 56 points higher, and would have come out at a .694 OPS – not quite league average, but almost. Also, he was always happy to draw a walk to get on base. Cristiano also bugs me that my analysis has flaws, including some fatal to the argument I am trying to make, but – shoo! – the adults are talking now!

The Raccoons should look into trading away Dave Myers if they decide to keep Alberto Ramos, because they really need a shortstop in there… That *could* be Maldonado, but then inevitably the outfield is out of shape because, while Manny Fernandez and Ed Hooge can play center without killing you, the gaps start to open with Maldonado at short.

Berto was also a type B free agent, so compensation was available for losing him. No compensation was offered for the other three players that were on expired contracts, all relievers. Ben Feist could go for all I cared, but between Mauricio Garavito and David Fernandez we’d lose a bit too much lefty relief for my taste.

Then there were also the arbitration candidates. These were led by first-time arbitration-eligible Yeom Soung, a tender 33, who’d be pretty damn expensive, well into the seven figures. The other guys were Tony Morales, Rich Vickers, Hoogey, Maldo, and Ledford. With the exception of Vickers, they’d surely been retained. Vickers was … well, he was a second baseman, and we had Cosmo Trevino (except at those times where the DL had Cosmo Trevino…), and with the exception of 2036, when everybody was injured with the exception of Rich Vickers and he collected 459 at-bats, batting .257 with 9 homers and a 91 OPS+, Vickers always hung around the bench accumulating service time for no greater gain. He did have a knack for dramatic extra-base hits, but he also had three straight seasons of failing to reach a .700 OPS. He was probably not even solid trade bait. He was 29, a meager defender, and had a .701 OPS across 1,502 PA. Nothing to write home about.

Since Elijah Williams was an integral part in the defensive replacement scheme should Berto stick around, that would already cover all the available backup infielder spots if Vickers hung around, too. So him and Myers were likely on the way out, if we could arrange that at all.

The outfield? No notes, they were all wonderful, I wish I could hug and kiss them more often.