[Westheim]

No, Nick, I don’t know whether the team would hit more if we filled the field with lava during the bottom halves of innings. – That’s true, Nick, we haven’t *tried* that yet. – Where am I supposed to get 12,000 imperial gallons of lava from now??

Raccoons (15-16) vs. Stars (14-17) – May 12-14, 2037

The Stars had the best offense in the Federal League thanks at least in part to their shoebox of a ballpark. They were also giving up the very most runs with a rancid rotation and an outright obnoxious bullpen that was pushing hard at the 6 ERA mark. That was the worst mark in the majors; the rotation was third from the bottom in the FL. Contrary to popular opinion, the Stars were also strong stealing bases, leading the FL with 34 (Coons, somehow, 4th with 19), although the bases were only 72 feet apart in their park because it was a goddamn shoebox. This series was played in a standard-sized park though, with the mild problem that the home team played like they were trying to hit the baseball on Jupiter… We had last seen Dallas in 2035, then winning two out of three games.

Projected matchups:
Bryce Sparkes (4-1, 1.40 ERA) vs. Jong-hoo Cho (3-3, 3.34 ERA)
Josh Weeks (2-3, 3.32 ERA) vs. Mike Barnett (2-2, 3.60 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (1-0, 1.10 ERA) vs. Paul Metzler (1-2, 5.67 ERA)

Again, no southpaw to be seen. All the Stars’ starters were right-handers.

Game 1
DAL: 3B J. Ramos – CF Cassell – 2B H. Acosta – LF DeVita – RF Sagredo – 1B R. Morales – C Resendez – SS Riquenes – P Cho
POR: 2B Trevino – 3B Myers – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – 1B Stedham – SS A. Ramos – C Morales – LF Hooge – P Sparkes

Hugo Acosta singled and stole second base in the first inning, so that game WOULD be on in Portland regardless. When Trevino hit a 2-out single in the bottom 3rd, he was of course thrown out by Jorge Resendez, because we couldn’t have nice things and greed was not becoming us. Portland would not reach scoring position until the bottom 4th, too late for both Nick Valdes’ taste and mine. Dave Myers and Manny Fernandez (M! V! P!) reached the corners with leadoff singles, setting up Justin Fowler for - … a shallow fly to center that was no help whatsoever. Cho then actually balked in the game’s first run, which aligned well with my general philosophy of “whatever the **** works”. Berto would knock home Manny with two outs, giving Sparkes a 2-0 lead, with the right-hander then spontaneously walking two in the fifth inning, Roberto Morales (who was forced out by Resendez) and Sergio Riquenes. Cho then bunted into a double play and was by now close to being named Raccoons’ Guy of the Game.

The lead went bust in the sixth, in which Sparkes lost all cohesion, allowed a leadoff double to Jon Ramos, threw a wild pitch, and had his zero taken away by Acosta’s single. Acosta promptly stole his 18th base (getting close to the Coons’ team total), with another walk to Luis Sagredo (who was run for by John Pavel) coming. Roberto Morales lined an RBI single to shallow right-center to tie the game with two outs before Resendez grounded out. At least Sparkes was out of the inning, then was back in the lead posthumously with Manny Fernandez’ leadoff home run in the bottom 6th, 3-2. Fowler singled, was forced out by Jesse Stedham, and Berto walked, knocking out Cho. Tony Morales flew out against lefty Alexander Lewis, with Maldonado then batting for Hooge, but popping out at 1-2, stranding the runners. Come the seventh, Garavito allowed Riquenes on base by giving him a welt with a fastball. The Stars came awfully close to toppling the score when even after Prieto replaced Garavito, he still walked PH Luigi Banfi with two outs, putting two on for when Acosta, batting a mild .410, slapped a hard spiker at the first base bag that bounced only once – but right into Stedham’s glove as the Critters’ first baseman was in the process of falling onto said base. Acosta was out by 80 feet, and the Coons held on to a 3-2 lead for now. Prieto went on to fill the bases with two singles and a walk in the eighth inning, bringing up Kevin Harenberg, twice a Coon, with two outs and the bases loaded. David Fernandez would see to Harenberg, who flew out to Fowler, and the Raccoons pulled their stripey tails out of the door *again* as it was about so slam shut. The Raccoons also loaded them up in the bottom 8th – Fowler drew a 1-out walk off Adrian McQuinn, but Stedham popped out. Vickers then batted for David Fernandez (Berto had been removed in a double switch even earlier) and improved his .121 BABIP immediately with a single to left. Jeff Kilmer hit for Morales against the southpaw and was drilled, but that got us back to Maldonado and his .191 bat, and there was no improvement to that – he struck out. Soung would produce grounders to left in the ninth inning. Jon Ramos grounded out to Nickas at short. Luigi Banfi legged out an infield roller in Myers’ direction that died halfway up the third base line. Acosta however slapped a hard grounder to left, right at Nickas, and the Coons turned the 6-4-3 on it. 3-2 Critters. Myers 2-4; M. Fernandez 2-4, HR, RBI; Ramos 1-2, BB, RBI; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

Back to .500!

I know, Nick, that’s not the goal this year. – Why would you bet a hundred million dollars on the Raccoons when they’re only 6-to-1???

Game 2
DAL: 3B J. Ramos – CF Cassell – 2B H. Acosta – RF DeVita – LF Madsen – C F. Garcia – 1B Resendez – SS Riquenes – P Barnett
POR: 2B Trevino – 3B Myers – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – 1B Stedham – SS A. Ramos – C Morales – RF Maldonado– P Weeks

With their owner either very committed or very insane, the Raccoons took a 1-0 lead in the bottom 1st on singles by their 2-3-4 batters before hitting two grounders to short to kill the inning, but Fernando Garcia annulled the lead with a solo homer in the following half-inning. While Berto stranded a pair in the first, he was up again with a pair (Fernandez, Fowler) aboard in the bottom 3rd and then didn’t disappoint, hitting a double up the leftfield line to the roar of the crowd. Both runners scored, and Berto scored on Tony Morales’ single right after.

The Raccoons seemed fine with scoring four runs, which was a worrying trend I tried to buck with extra candy for every run they scored in a game past the fifth. They were slimming down, though… The Stars were not seriously harassing Weeks until he put a pair on in the sixth, but then struck out Marc DeVita to bail out. Abel Madsen drew a leadoff walk in the seventh, but was doubled up by Garcia’s grounder to short. Things seemed fine until back-to-back 2-out doubles by the 7-8 batters scored a run after all, and while Weeks retired Banfi on a groundout when he pinch-hit for Barnett, he was also done after 104 pitches, not all of them great. Berto batted with two on (Myers, Fowler) and two outs for the third time in the bottom 7th, but grounded out against Jason Frank and his 8.49 ERA.

Top 8th, David Fernandez against the top of the order. Jon Ramos singled and advanced on a groundout, but Acosta was rung up, dropping to .400, the sucker. DeVita however poked a 2-2 up the middle past a diving Berto Ramos, allowing the other Ramos to make for home – where Fowler hammered him out with a top-notch throw! Portland tacked on a run in the bottom of the inning, which began with Morales and Maldonado hits, but didn’t lead further than a Trevino sac fly. Both Hooge, pinch-hitting, and Myers made poor outs against Frank. Chris Wise retired a bunch of right-handers in order to put the game away then. 5-2 Raccoons. Myers 2-5; Fowler 2-2, 2 BB, RBI; Morales 2-4, RBI; Weeks 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 4 K, W (3-3);

Winning record! Look, Nick! A winning record! We’re ahead of the Titans, too!

Still no fudge bars though.

It didn’t look like we’d see a southpaw on the weekend either, so we’d try to get everybody involved a bit against right-handed pitching. Maldonado and Pinkerton were both in the lineup on Thursday, and Vickers and Kilmer were pencilled in for Friday. – Who, Maud? – Who’s Steven Ickies?

Game 3
DAL: 3B J. Ramos – CF Cassell – 2B H. Acosta – LF DeVita – RF Sagredo – 1B R. Morales – C Resendez – SS Riquenes – P Metzler
POR: 2B Trevino – 3B Myers – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – SS A. Ramos – 1B Maldonado – C Morales – RF Pinkerton – P Sabre

Jon Ramos opened the game with a triple and scored on Acosta’s sac fly, giving Dallas the early edge, but the Critters were on the corners with two singles to begin their offensive day, and kept going with Manny’s RBI single through the left side, tying the score. Then Myers was caught stealing third, Fowler whiffed, and Berto grounded out. Oh boy. Sabre was then taken apart in the third inning, which began with a lamentable Paul Metzler single, and before long the bases were full thanks to a pair of walks. Acosta hit a run-scoring groundout, DeVita ripped an RBI single that Pinkerton just narrowly kept from going for extra bases, and then another walk to Luis Sagredo filled the bags again in a game that was already 3-1 and getting away fast. Roberto Morales’ grounder to right was good for only one out and yet another run. Resendez whiffed, keeping two runners in scoring position in a 4-1 game… Remember, boys! There’s fudge if you score more than five runs!!

The fudge was maybe safe, though. Manny singled in the bottom 3rd, gained a base on DeVita’s error handling the ball, and Fowler reached on an outright error by Riquenes, but after RBI singles by Berto and Maldonado the inning fizzled out fast against the bottom of the order. Or maybe the Stars would continue to make errors – Acosta’s 2-base throwing error on Trevino’s grounder in the bottom 4th was their *fourth* error in the game, but the Raccoons still couldn’t buy a major knock… Myers walked, but Fernandez and Fowler made poor outs, with Berto batting with the runners in scoring position and grounding to Riquenes – who botched the ball. That was FIVE errors, and the tying run coming across, tying the score at four. It was 5-4 Coons when Myers scored on a wild pitch, but that would be all for the time being.

Sabre hung on to dear life for six innings of thoroughly muddled baseball, after which the Raccoons moved to Gene Tennis in relief against the 8-9-1 batters. He struck out Riquenes before gradually becoming a problem, walking Jon Ramos with two outs and also putting PH Luigi Banfi on base with a single. Acosta, a switch-hitter that was better against right-handers, fell to 0-2, then flew out to center. Garavito and Kulp held the Stars away in the eighth, and with the offense obviously being done and having no interest in fudge bars, the ninth began with a Riquenes double off “The Warden” Soung. Fernando Garcia grounded out to short, keeping the tying run at second base at least, but we had surely enjoyed the 2036 Yeom Soung more. He had Jon Ramos at 0-2, but ended up walking him, then gave up a LOUD fly to John Pavel to center that nevertheless Fowler remained master of. Acosta was back, now batting .392 with runners on the corners at this point, hit a liner well over Ramos, and there was Manny Fernandez racing in, sliding – and he made the catch!!! Ballgame!! 5-4 Raccoons!! Trevino 2-5; Myers 2-4, BB; M. Fernandez 2-5, RBI; Pinkerton 1-2, 2 BB;

(tries to keep Myers, Manny, and Maldonado out of the fudge bars) No! NO!! You didn’t score more than five runs!! – Stop growling at me!! – Jesus, I will roll up a newspaper if you don’t let go!!

There, they scurry off, moping. – Yes, Nick, you can have a fudge bar. – (Valdes grins like a little kid)

Raccoons (18-16) @ Loggers (13-21) – May 15-17, 2037

The Loggers were quite terrible, sitting in last place in the North and also dropping steeply, with only three wins in their last 11 games. They were second from the bottom in offense in the CL with 113 runs scored (Coons: 10th, 117), and their pitching was not much better, them allowing the third-most runs and already having a -38 run differential, on pace for a 181-run deficit. They were however up 2-1 on the Coons this season.

Projected matchups:
Jared Ottinger (3-1, 2.29 ERA) vs. Vinny Olguin (0-7, 5.59 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-4, 5.05 ERA) vs. Sal Chavez (1-0, 3.18 ERA)
Bryce Sparkes (5-1, 1.61 ERA) vs. Tommy Iezzi (3-2, 2.79 ERA)

All southpaws in this set!

Game 1
POR: 3B Trevino – SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – 1B Stedham – 2B Vickers – LF Hooge – C Kilmer – P Ottinger
MIL: LF T. Romero – SS Del Vecchio – 2B McWhirter – 3B Conner – RF Valenzuela – C M. Cooper – 1B S. Ayala – CF Prestwood – P Olguin

Ottie hadn’t gotten the memo and gave up a run in the first inning, walking Tony Romero, giving up a single to Ted Del Vecchio, and then Bill McWhirter was on call with a run-scoring groundout. Rain in the forecast became an early, though infrequent drizzle, but the Raccoons at least tied the game on hits by Fowler and Hooge in the second, then took the lead with a Trevino leadoff triple and a groundout in the third inning. Cosmo Trevino did himself one better the next time around, hitting a solo homer in the fifth inning for a 3-1 lead.

There was a very brief rain delay in the bottom 5th, when there was no hope of snatching a rain-shortened W anyway since it was too early with the Loggers trailing. Play resumed after barely a quarter of an hour, however, and both pitchers seemed to still be in full juice. Or at least it appeared so. While the Raccoons were still having to fight for every single, Ottinger melted away in the bottom 6th. Bill McWhirter walked, and then Danny Valenzuela, who had already singled to extend a hitting streak to 17 games, hit a single to left. When zombie-paced Matt Cooper legged out an infield single on Kilmer, the bags were full with one out and the Raccoons longed for a new pitcher. Garavito came on for Salvador Ayala only, with Wise lining up to face Tyler Prestwood after that, but Garavito got a double play grounder to Vickers, and 4-6-3 went the Loggers. (blows with full cheeks and anxiously vibrating whiskers)

Ed Hooge gave the Critters more length with a leadoff jack to right in the seventh inning, extending the score to 4-1, still two runs short of FUDGE BARS!! Jeff Kilmer singled after that, but was ignored by Myers, Trevino, and Ramos, and instead Dusty Kulp coughed up three singles and a run – RBI to McWhirter – in the bottom 7th, narrowing the gap to 4-2 again. Top 8th, another leadoff jack, this time Magic Manny, taking the team lead with eight. The Loggers then crumbled to put Fowler and Hooge on base, and Kilmer singled through the right side for an RBI single, and that was 6-2, and that was fudge bars for everybody! Hooray!! The Loggers were so demoralized because nobody would promise them fudge bars for anything that they would not reach base again facing Tennis and Prieto in the final innings. 6-2 Raccoons! Trevino 2-5, HR, 3B, RBI; Fowler 2-4; Hooge 3-4, HR, 2 RBI; Kilmer 2-3, BB, RBI;

(stands in the midst of 25 Raccoons covered in fudge and making awful smacking noises) Totally worth it.

Game 2
POR: 2B Trevino – 3B Myers – RF M. Fernandez – 1B Stedham – C Morales – SS Ramos – CF Maldonado – LF Hooge – P B. Chavez
MIL: LF T. Romero – SS Del Vecchio – 2B McWhirter – 3B Conner – RF Valenzuela – C M. Cooper – 1B S. Ayala – CF Prestwood – P S. Chavez

Up 1-0 and with three on and two outs, Maldonado fell to 0-2 and then popped out to end the top of the first, which didn’t improve his position on the team one bit. Trevino however had singled, stolen a base, and come home on a Fernandez sac fly, so was that a Cosmo Special? The Raccoons went on to strand Hooge on third base in the second, Fernandez on second base in the third, and then apparently went to bed. Bernie had Romero on in the first, then Valenzuela in the second, but he was caught trying to steal third base.

Come the fifth, Dave Myers was on second base with two outs. When Morales singled to center, Myers was waved around and thrown out at home plate by Prestwood. Berto was on base to begin the sixth, but was doubled up by Maldonado before he could even try to make a move on Sal Chavez. While Bernie Chavez was serviceable on the mound, allowing two hits and two walks through six innings, but not getting many strikeouts at all in a 1-0 game, he also drew a leadoff walk in the top 7th, but had to stop at third base on Cosmo’s wallbanger that followed. Runners in scoring position, no outs – but now, boys! Now! Dave Myers slapped a single to right and a bit up the line on the very next pitch for a 2-run single, and there was the breathing space, 3-0! Sal Chavez allowed an infield single to Manny, then nailed Stedham, giving Morales three on and no outs. He struck out, but Berto found a place to roll a grounder where the Loggers wouldn’t turn two, bringing in a run while being retired nonetheless. That brought up Maldonado again, down 0-for-3 with a double play and batting only .190. He had to at least make good contact here. He HAD to. And he did – winning the team fudge in the process with a 2-out, 2-run triple over the head of Prestwood, extending the lead to 6-0! Hooge grounded out, but 6-0 should be enough for Bernie on 75 pitches to either finish himself, or at least spare the pen major efforts. He retired the Loggers’ 4-5-6 in order in the bottom 7th before batting for himself (and popping out). Valenzuela was still dry, putting his 17-game hitting streak in danger unless Milwaukee would carry the stick back around to him – and they would, with two singles off Bernie in the bottom 8th, yet no runs. Bernie was on 101 pitches entering the ninth, but he’d at least get the chance for the shutout – McWhirter immediately singled to left, but Josh Conner popped out. That brought back Valenzuela, who flew easily to Maldonado on the first pitch, killing the streak for good. Bernie however walked Cooper, and that put him at 113 pitches. Sal Ayala would be his final batter, the pitching coach made abundantly clear in not so many words. Ayala popped out at 1-1, and Bernie had a complete-game 5-hitter! 6-0 Furballs! Trevino 2-5, 2B; Myers 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI; M. Fernandez 1-2, 2 BB, RBI; Morales 2-4, 2B; Ramos 2-4, RBI; Hooge 2-5; Chavez 9.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 4 K, W (3-4) and 0-1, BB;

Alright boys, one more to have a sweep week!

Preston, don’t choke on the fudge. – You have to… - No. – Don’t…! – Dr. Chung! Dr. Chung! Or anybody! Can anybody hear apply the Heimlich maneuver??

The Raccoons were going to send out a conventional lineup for Sunday … but the game was rained out. Preston Pinkerton wouldn’t have played, but at least didn’t choke to death.

In other news

May 11 – A pretty severe hamstring strain will put BOS OF/2B Moises Avila (.273, 0 HR, 12 RBI) on the shelf for at least two months, dampening the Titans’ joy over a 15-inning, 9-8 win over the Gold Sox.
May 13 – More bad news in Boston – SP Andy Bressner (1-2, 5.30 ERA) is out for about four months with a partially torn labrum.
May 16 – The Bayhawks rush the Thunder, 11-4, with LF/RF Edwin Rendon (.333, 2 HR, 9 RBI) chipping in a pinch-hit grand slam.
May 16 – The Falcons reach the .250 mark with a 16-4 blowout of the Condors. Every Falcons player in the lineup has at least one hit and scores at least one run. Six of them have RBIs. CHA SP Chris Turner (4-2, 2.06 ERA) pitches six innings of 2-run ball and knocks out four base hits with 2 RBI.

FL Player of the Week: NAS OF Raul Sanchez (.353, 2 HR, 15 RBI) hitting .647 (11-17) with 1 HR, 8 RBI
CL Player of the Week: CHA C Ernesto Huichapa (.266, 4 HR, 22 RBI) batting .423 (11-26) with 2 HR, 8 RBI

Complaints and stuff

Sunday’s rainout has been postponed until June, giving the Critters two days off in a row now and then a double-header in the final series of a 20-day string without an off day. Brilliant! We’ll cuss more about this once we get there.

The Raccoons have won nine in a row, but the Indians have won seven in a row, including a sweep of the crumbling Titans this weekend. Like us, Indy does it with pitching.

The Coons’ run differential is now +10, with the fewest runs allowed (3.3) and the second-fewest runs scored (3.5) per game. At least the latter number is slowly traipsing up. This week we scored five runs per game (and allowed just two).

Bernie had his third career shutout on Saturday, and the second against the Loggers. He 4-hit them last September. His best effort was a 2-hitter against the damn Elks last April.

Fun Fact: Thursday’s lucky win over the Stars put the Raccoons at 5,028-4,728 all time, the first time they reached the mark of +300 in regular season competition.

That is a .515 mark and not entirely shabby for a franchise. In fact, only six ABL teams had that high an all-time winning percentage. Besides Portland those were the Thunder (.515), Capitals (.517), Condors (.519), Warriors (.527), and Titans (.527).