[Westheim]

Raccoons (24-24) vs. Condors (31-18) – May 28-30, 2035

The Condors were once more in first place in the CL South and were looking really dangerous – not offensively, where they sat only seventh in runs scored (Coons: 8th), but their pitching allowed hardly any runs at all. They had conceded a league-best 159 runs, which was barely 3.2 runs per game. How and when the Raccoons were going to break through those fortifications was as of yet very much unknown. Tijuana had taken two of three in the first series of the season.

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (4-3, 4.01 ERA) vs. Juan Garcia (5-3, 2.47 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-5, 5.14 ERA) vs. Omar Uribe (1-2, 3.47 ERA)
Colt Willes (4-4, 3.27 ERA) vs. Jimmy Driver (4-3, 3.39 ERA)

Garcia looked like the only southpaw that would crop up here. The Condors also had nobody on the DL, so any sign of weakness by the Critters would probably be swiftly exploited.

Game 1
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – LF Palbes – SS Bunyon – P J. Garcia
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Salgado – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – LF Hall – P Rendon

Revolting skunk weasel Shane Sanks doubled home Jason Bensinger with a double off the fence in the first inning, so that was a great start to have… It didn’t get much better from there, either; the Coons would have two Ramos walks for offense in the first three innings, while Willie Ojeda homered top open the fourth for Tijuana. Sanks and Firmino Cambra both reached base after that, but were stranded, while Justin Fowler’s homer got the Critters at least on the board in the bottom 4th. Wall doubled and Hall was walked intentionally to bring up Rendon with two outs in the inning, but he clipped a 2-2 pitch past the reaching Bensinger for a game-tying RBI single. Garcia nicked Berto to load the bases, but Salgado grounded out poorly to strand three Critters. The game also didn’t stay tied at two for long, although it was not really Rendon’s fault, and then again, it was. He had Bensinger struck out to end a 1-2-3 top 5th, but Kurt Wall kicked the ball away. Bensinger reached, and promptly Ojeda hit his second bomb of the game, setting the Condors 4-2 ahead. Rendon lasted only two more batters, with Sanks grounding out to end the inning, but Jose Flores hit a leadoff double in the sixth and that got Rendon yanked. Garavito conceded the run on two deep fly outs, burying the Critters three deep.

Then the nibbling began. Stalker double and Hall RBI single in the sixth, one run nibbled off. In the seventh, Garcia leaked two hits and a walk to load the bases with two outs and the #8 slot up. The Coons sent Jimmy Wallace to hit for Hall, but of course Wallace struck out. Instead, Prieto was clobbered for three base hits and two runs by the Condors in the eighth inning. From the category of pointless heroics, Justin Fowler would hit another homer off Julio San Pedro to begin the bottom of the ninth. While that was his 10th and reason to celebrate, it merely brought closer Ray Andrews on in what was now a 3-run game. Two had to get on base before anything good could happen to the Critters, and Tim Stalker hit an infield single to at least get something going. Unfortunately, that was it – Andrews had already fanned Wall, and the same fate caught up with both Zeltser and Wallace. 7-4 Condors. Fowler 3-5, 2 HR, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-4, BB, 2B; Zeltser 2-5; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

Game 2
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – SS Bunyon – P Uribe
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Bernie Chavez again had the stripes ripped off his furry face right away. Bensinger hit a soft single, Willie Ojeda hit a Wallace-sponsored single in shallow left, and then the skunk weasel ripped a 3-run homer that went right to the loins. Third in ERA last year, Cristiano? – Are you sure? – From the top or from the bottom?? (makes bum-wiping motion)

The Raccoons stranded two in the first, one in the second, and none in the third because Berto was caught stealing after hitting a single. In the fourth, Fowler hit a double and scored on Zeltser’s 2-out single to get them on board in any capacity, but it was just no good, wasn’t it? The Condors got Bensinger on base via a Zeltser error, and long drives by Sanks and Justin Williams added runs in the inning; unearned as they were, they still opened a slam-sized lead for Tijuana, and who on this ramshackle team was supposed to hit a slam? Well, if anybody it would be Fowler, but what were the chances. Miraculously, the 1-2-3 batters all reached base after Chavez fanned to begin the bottom 5th. Uribe would face Fowler with the bases loaded! …and he popped him out on the infield. Adam Avakian, as useful as a ham nailed to a barn door in Palestine, grounded out to Bensinger, stranding all three runners.

Credit, even if very little, where it’s due – after the initial onslaught Bernie Chavez pitched seven full innings without allowing another earned run and ended his day with a K to Shane Sanks on pitch #109. Salgado then led off the bottom 7th in his spot and hit a double in the left-center gap. Berto flew out, but Manny Fernandez singled to right to get the run home, and then Jimmy Wallace hit a homer that went about 430 feet to center – all of a sudden it was a 5-4 ballgame. Unfazed, Uribe fanned Fowler, then also had Avakian at 0-2 for a sorta-decent finish of his own… and then he hung one and even a bat as blind as Avakian could hit that one – right down the line, barely 340 feet, but over the fence it was all the same and tied the contest at five. Needing stingy relief and a scoreless eighth, the Coons sent for David Fernandez and looked like they’d get neither. Williams led off with a single, Jose Flores walked, and there was nobody out. Cambra popped out, but Andy Hughes pinch-hitting prompted a move to a righty. Chris Wise got two groundouts from Hughes and Juan Palbes to get out of that Fernandez-sized mess. The Coons would hit three 2-out singles in the bottom 8th with Vickers, Ramos, and Fernandez. The first runner was sent on the latter runner’s single to right, but was thrown out at home plate by Ojeda.

Ed Blair walked both Chris Murphy and the skunk weasel in the ninth and somehow wasn’t murdered by anybody for it. Williams flew out to strand the runners on the corners. Jimmy Wallace then hit a leadoff single off Josh Heckman – the tying run was on base. Fowler’s fly to shallow right-center was taken by Ojeda, but he couldn’t get Avakian’s soft line deeper in the gap, although he did get close enough to prevent any aspirations by Jimmy Wallace to reach for home plate. The Raccoons DID however have the winning run on third base, with Avakian at second, and one out for Bob Zeltser, who was walked intentionally. Stalker batted for Scheffer, up the middle, into the maws of Andy Hughes, and Wallace was cut down at home plate. Barrios then struck out in a full count, stranding ANOTHER three and rendering the whole exercise meaningless. Then came the top of the 10th, and the most ****ed-up display of baseball anyone had seen in a while. Blair was still around, but issued a leadoff single to Flores. When Cambra hit a comebacker, Blair threw it away, adding a second runner. Hughes singled to load the bases. PH Ken Hess grounded to Stalker, who had his feed to second dropped by Ramos for another error. Blair was then yanked for Garavito, who had Murphy at 2-2 before drilling him, pushing home another run. Bensinger hit into a 6-4-3 double play, plating another run, and Ojeda grounded out. All in all, the Condors had scored three free runs. As I was casually donning an oxygen mask to recline on the coach with that, Nate Hall drew a leadoff walk in the #9 hole against San Pedro in he bottom 10th. Ramos flew out to center and Fernandez hit into a fielder’s choice, but when Wallace dropped a blooper for a single, the Coons brought up Fowler with the tying run. He struck out. 8-5 Condors. Ramos 2-5, BB; M. Fernandez 3-5, BB, RBI; Wallace 5-6, HR, 2 RBI; Avakian 2-5, HR, 2B, RBI; Salgado (PH) 1-1, 2B; Vickers (PH) 1-1;

So Fowler hit two dingers in a loss on Monday, and Wallace landed five hits in a loss on Tuesday. What next? A Willes no-hitter that six errors turn into a 4-0 loss?

Can it get that bad??

Game 3
TIJ: C. Murphy – 2B Bensinger – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Cambra – 2B Bunyon – P Driver
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes

How about a 5-spot in he first inning? Murphy walked, then advanced on a wild pitch. Bensinger hit an RBI single, Ojeda grounded out, and Sanks hit another RBI single, so far so terrible. Williams walked, there was ANOTHER wild pitch, Flores homered, and it was already 5-0. After that colossal toss-up, Willes remained in the game merely as punishment. In the end the Condors ****ed him for another four in the third inning because he was such a waste of oxygen. The ****ing skunk weasel singled. Flores singled. Run-scoring wild pitch! …bleeding into a Cambra single. 2-out RBI double from Bunyon, and a 2-run single through Avakian, the stupid ****ter, by the opposing tosser. Jason Gurney entered, walked Murphy, and somehow got an inning-ending groundout from Bensinger.

It was 9-0, the fans were openly rooting for the Condors at this point. It took Gurney six batters to throw a wild pitch, which was remarkable, but it also led to a run in the fifth, giving Flores an extra base to be singled home by Donovan Bunyon. A Chris Murphy triple would add another run in the inning, 11-0. When Jimmy Wallace singled home a run in the bottom 6th, it was unearned for a Bensinger error. The second baseman made it up to his team in the top 7th, dinging Prieto with a 2-out RBI single that plate Bunyon. Some of the mooks in the feces-colored shirts cobbled together an EARNED run in the bottom 9th, but hardly anybody was left to witness it. I for sure had long passed out at that point, with splatters of Capt’n Coma mixed with tears all over my shirt. 12-2 Condors. Zeltser 3-3, RBI; Vickers (PH) 2-3; D. Fernandez 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

There were still positives to the situation. First, Thursday was off. I was at the park only briefly, went into the team store and took a jigsaw puzzle of 1,000 pieces depicting Kevin Harenberg’s breaking into the trot upon firing the ultimately game-winning homer in Game 2 of the 2028 World Series. I wanted to remember the good times. And the young lady at the checkout wanted me to pay. I argued that I ran the whole stint here, and when she insisted, I hissed. And then I pad the 45 bucks after she called in security to molest me.

Even better yet – the team was going to be out of my side on the weekend, being sent north of the border as punishment for their naughty behavior.

Raccoons (24-27) @ Canadiens (29-24) – June 1-3, 2035

Seventh in runs scored and second in runs allowed, the damn Elks offered much the same mix as the Condors had, and how well had that gone? Both earlier series between these two teams had been sweeps; we had taken two from them in Elk City to start the season, then had been swept for three at home.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (4-4, 3.80 ERA) vs. Josh Weeks (3-6, 4.54 ERA)
Darren Brown (2-0, 0.66 ERA) vs. Joe West (5-3, 2.81 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (4-4, 4.13 ERA) vs. Steve Corcoran (3-3, 3.68 ERA)

Left, right, left. The Elks had pitchers Felipe Delgado and Denny Marsh, plus infielder D.J. Robinson on the DL.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 1B Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – RF Hall – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Massey – SS E. Serrano – P Weeks

Freshly-anointed CL Hitter of the Month Justin Fowler hit an RBI double that plated Salgado in the first inning, giving del Rio a quick 1-0 lead, but before long the offensive results were less rousing. Tim Stalker hit a leadoff double in the second inning, with Nate Hall walking after that, but despite a guy at second with nobody out the Raccoons failed to score in the inning thanks to two K and a pop. That was also their last runner in scoring position until Fowler hit another double with one out in the SIXTH. Kurt Wall was walked intentionally and Stalker flew out easily, but Nate Hall landed an RBI single in centerfield, pushing the score to 2-0. Zeltser then flew out to Will Korecky in deep right. The damn Elks were still mostly idle at this point, having gotten only one base hit off del Rio through five innings, but del Rio had issued two leadoff walks. Bottom 6th, Josh Weeks hit a leadoff double around Jimmy Wallace, and del Rio walked Bobby Gonzales. Doom, palpable, testable doom. I could feel it – but I was mistaken. Michael Duryea and Jesse LeJeune both grounded out to Berto, who turned two on the catcher and needed only one more on the outfielder. Weeks was stranded at third base, but kept holding the Coons short, and the bottom 7th saw Korecky and Tomas Caraballo with leadoff singles to right. Ramon Cabral bunted, and del Rio couldn’t pull that one out of his bum either, Cabral legged out the play, and the bags were loaded with stupid Elks and with nobody out. Del Rio faced the .133 batter Micah Massey, had him at 1-2, then allowed an RBI single to left, and then was yanked. Not that this was a mess that could be saved, with the tying run scoring on Edgar Serrano’s grounder to second base, that was only good for one out. Fernando Garcia’s pinch-hit grounder was good for two, but del Rio’s lead was gone in a 2-2 game that the team was now destined to lose horribly.

Top 8th, Jordan Calderon, a rookie southpaw with more walks than innings pitched, loaded the bases with one out. Fowler walked, Wall singled, Stalker walked, and here was Nate Hall again. Hitting Rich Vickers in this spot was just too tempting. He ran a full count, struck out, and Zeltser struck out well before reaching a full count. All runners were stranded once more. The ****ing Elks scored a off Chris Wise on a simple double-double effort by Duryea and Korecky, both past Hugo Salgado in rightfield, and there it was. Doom. Down 3-2, the Raccoons faced Bryce Sudar and his 7.36 ERA in the ninth inning. That hadn’t helped us last time round in Portland and probably wouldn’t help us here, either. Adam Avakian opened in the #9 hole and singled to left. Berto doubled to right, putting the tying and go-ahead runs in scoring position. Ah, the baseball gods were lining up the most grim outcome. Probably an intentional walk next? No, Salgado walked because Sudar couldn’t find the zone while trying. Three on, no outs for Wallace, who hit a sac fly to center, but then Fowler struck out and Wall grounded out to Gonzales to strand Ramos on third base. Why… just … why… why can’t I find the fourth corner piece of this jigsaw puzzle?? Honeypaws – are you sitting on it?? … Not sitting on a W were the miserable Raccoons on the field in Elktown. Garavito staved off a loss in the bottom of the ninth, but extra innings saw Jason Gurney interact with the damn Elks in an unfavorable manner in the bottom 10th. Nick Carpenter hit a leadoff single, and after two valid tries by Bobby Gonzales and Michael Duryea to walk off the team with liners, Jesse LeJeune hit a 3-2 pitch over the wall in rightfield. 5-3 Canadiens. Fowler 2-4, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Hall 1-2, BB, RBI; Avakian 1-1;

Losing four in a row… (pieces together Kevin Harenberg’s right leg) … to the damn Elks … (bangs pieces on the table with fists to make them fit) … would never have happened with you Kevin. But this team ain’t got no … (turns the foot piece 180 degrees and it miraculously fits) … guts.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Brown
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Pohl – SS E. Serrano – P J. West

Another game, another first-inning, 2-out, extra-base, RBI knock by Justin Fowler, who reached 45 RBI by game 53 with an RBI triple cashing Jimmy Wallace, before Avakian dumbly struck out. The damn Elks started slow, but got Serrano and Gonzales to the corners before Duryea whiffed his way out to strand them in the bottom 3rd, and with the Raccoons absolutely not tacking on, I had little doubt that by the middle innings Darren Brown would be turned into dog food. As if on command, the bags were full in the bottom 4th, two outs, and Brown dropped to 3-1 on Serrano. Given his lifelong walk issues, I was dead certain he’d walk Serrano to tie the game, then West to give them an edge. Then likely a slam. Serrano flew out to Fernandez at 3-1, and the inning ended, Coons still up 1-0. Would this be the one? The game where not EVERYTHING would turn up ASS?

No. Bottom 5th, West hit a leadoff single, putting the tying run on base again, and then Kurt Wall fired Gonzales’ roller over the head of Avakian, putting the tying run on third base with nobody out. Duryea hit score-knotting sac fly, and LeJeune popped out at 3-2. Then Wall lost hold of the 2-2 to Korecky and Gonzales scored on the passed ball, solidifying my desire to be reborn as dung beetle the next time round, because I could stomach having senses any longer. Korecky walked, but was left on when Caraballo grounded out, while Manny Fernandez reached base to begin the sixth inning, but was doubled up by Wallace. That looked like it would be it. Kurt Wall was on and stranded in the seventh, and I regretted deeply that he was in Elkland and the blunderbuss was in the ballpark and I couldn’t even shoot my TV. Fowler struck out to strand Fernandez in the eighth. The ninth began with Sudar and another leadoff single by Avakian, and there was the tying run again. Wall, until then unretired with the stick, struck out. Zeltser struck out. Barrios hit for Stalker and … flew out to centerfielder Nick Carpenter. 2-1 Canadiens. Brown 6.0 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 0 ER, 4 BB, 6 K, L (2-1);

I wonder whether this jigsaw puzzle can even be finished. None of the pieces looks remotely like a snippet of the picture on the box. This one has an ice cream cone on it. I can’t find any ice cream cone in the picture on the box!!

None of this fits together, none of this makes sense.

Game 3
POR: 3B Salgado – 2B Vickers – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – SS Stalker – 1B Avakian – RF Hall – C Scheffer – P Rendon
VAN: 3B B. Gonzales – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – 1B Caraballo – 2B Cabral – CF Pohl – SS E. Serrano – P Corcoran

Justin Fowler did not make it a 1-0 game in the first inning. He made it a 1-0 game in the third inning. Vickers doubled, Wallace singled, and the 1-out string of base knocks continued with an RBI single to right by the big winter addition that didn’t stink of socks worn six weeks straight. Stalker struck out, bringing up the winter addition that did stink of socks worn six weeks straight, and that guy grounded out easily to Cabral to end the inning. And Michael Duryea made it a tie with a simple solo homer in the bottom of the inning.

When Avakian did hit a 2-out single with two Coons aboard in the fifth inning, it bounced right into Pat Pohl’s mitten and made an attempt by Fowler to score from second base too bold a move. Instead Nate Hall inherited bases loaded and bounced out to Gonzales on the first pitch, stranding another three. The Elks also wasted two singles by their battery in the bottom 5th, but the thing that piqued my interest more was why there seemed to be one puzzle piece of the side wall behind Harenberg missing.

The damn Elks had Caraballo at second base with two outs when Pat Pohl singled to right, sharply, on the first pitch he got in the bottom 6th. Nate Hall got the ball on two bounces, but the damn Elks did send Caraballo from second base – and Hall threw him out at the plate, keeping the game tied and delaying inevitable defeat to a later point. For the time being and some false, foolish hope, Justin Fowler delivers his FOURTH go-ahead base hit of the series in the seventh inning, a solo homer off Corcoran that went outta leftfield. Avakian with two outs lifted a ball to the fence in left, but of course he was a weak of both body and soul and only made it to the warning track and bedeviled LeJeune’s mitten.

Rendon got stuck in the bottom 7th with Serrano’s leadoff single and a wild pitch that moved the tying run to second base. Garcia and Gonzales both made unhelpful outs, but Rendon lost Duryea on balls and then was lifted against the left-handed LeJeune. Garavito would see after him, entering in a double switch that replaced Stalker with Ramos at short. LeJeune fell to 1-2, then popped out. The Coons replaced Wallace with Fernandez (entering into rightfield) after the top 8th, but Nate Hall’s defensive impact was limited when Will Korecky hit a clean homer to left off Garavito, tying the game at two. The next two batters made outs before the Raccoons went back to a right-hander. Chris Wise saw Pohl ground to third base where Salgado ****ed the baseball in unspeakable ways and put the go-ahead run with the error. Pohl stole second, then scored on Serrano’s ****ty single to left. Carpenter struck out. Too little, too late. Left-hander Sean LaRue got Vickers to pop out, but Manny Fernandez hit a 1-out double in the ninth. Fowler was up next, but his fly was caught by Pohl, the disgusting little swamp rat. Kurt Wall hit for Wise. He grounded out to Cabra. 3-2 Canadiens. Vickers 2-5, 2B; Wallace 2-4; M. Fernandez 1-1, 2B; Fowler 3-5, HR, 2 RBI; Hall 2-4;

In other news

May 29 – The Indians pick up outfielder Josh Garbinski (.356, 7 HR, 18 RBI) from the Falcons, parting with CF/RF Jonathan Reyna (.408, 0 HR, 2 RBI) and a prospect.
May 30 – SFW LF/RF Doug Stross (.330, 2 HR, 7 RBI) will be out four weeks with a strained hamstring.
May 31 – WAS SP Lorenzo Viamontes (8-3, 4.06 ERA) 2-hits the Scorpions in an 8-0 shutout, and whiffs ten Sacramento players.
June 1 – The season of DEN SP Carlos Marron (0-0, 3.00 ERA) had barely begun, but now he is shut down for the year with bone chips in his elbow. The 39-year-old right-hander had signed only a week earlier with the Gold Sox.
June 1 – LAP SP Andy Palomares (3-6, 4.23 ERA) will be out for a full year with elbow ligament damage.

Complaints and stuff

$14m man Justin Fowler notched Player of the Month honors while batting .294 with 6 HR and 26 RBI. Not shabby, not shabby – especially given the personnel around him…

This week John Hennessy’s season ended with shoulder inflammation. He looked **** all year long, and maybe that was it.

That was it for the Coons at least. Another season in the bin.

Oh well. Spilled milk. Not done with the jigsaw puzzle either, but then again it’s only been a (long, dreadful) weekend (with lots of crying), and on the box it says that it takes three years and up to complete it, so I feel pretty good about myself right now.

I got bits of the fans behind Harenberg in the good seats on the sideline pieced together and there’s one that has caught my eye and that is not releasing it again. It’s a young boy of about 10, fully decked out in Raccoons gear. Cap, uniform with #42 on the chest for Matt Nunley, a glove with a Raccoons logo on his right hand. He’s in the first row and has jumped up after Harenberg has hit the go-ahead homer in Game 2 in ’28. His left fist is tightly clenched, eyes wide open, and his mouth has that “whooo!!” shape. Yes! We’re winning that game! We’re gonna be up 2-0 in the series! We’re gonna beat the Buffos! Life is good!

The Raccoons did not win a game all week long. They were outscored 37-17. They barely showed up. We’re seven off the goddamn ****ing Elks. Life is not good. That boy’s gotta be about 17 now. Does he still care? Does he still find the Raccoons “whooo!!” …?

Does anybody still find the Raccoons “whoooo!!”?

Fun Fact: The Raccoons are 0-3 in extra-inning games and 4-9 in one-run games.

I think that should imply that we’re some sort of unlucky, but I disagree. We’re ****. We’re completely, fully, and abysmally ****. Imagine the offense without Justin Fowler.

Yeah, that’s right. ****.