[Westheim]

Raccoons (16-20) @ Indians (14-22) – May 15-17, 2035

The Coons could really use a sweep at this point (in their favor in case you weren’t sure). The Indians were a good candidate. No offense, little pitching, hardly any good luck. Their rotation was in the bottom three, too, and their defense was adjudged the worst in the CL. The Coons looked like a powerhouse against them. This was our first meeting in ’35, but last year we had dominated them, 14-4.

Projected matchups:
Colt Willes (2-3, 3.45 ERA) vs. Josh Walsh (2-2, 3.12 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (2-4, 4.20 ERA) vs. Arnie Terwilliger (0-5, 8.33 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (4-2, 2.98 ERA) vs. Mike Burris (0-0, 2.93 ERA)

Terwilliger, who looked like he merited drowning in a nearby pond, was the only southpaw they had. Since both teams started the week with an off day, he could easily be skipped.

The Indians would start the series without John Baron, who was nursing a sore hammy.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF J. Reyna – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B I. Pena – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P J. Walsh

Willes took the mound with a 2-0 lead after Berto singled and scored on Manny’s homer in the top 1st, and showed great composure with a leadoff walk to Dustin Acor, who was forced out Dan Schneller’s grounder, a Jonathan Reyna single, and a 2-out walk to Mike Plunkett. Ivan Pena popped out, stranding three, but… eh. It didn’t get much better with Willes, who conceded a run on a Juan Benito double and Josh Walsh’ RBI single with one out in the bottom 2nd…

The bases would be loaded in the top of the fourth, with nobody out and in unearned fashion after Benito’s throwing error had put Kurt Wall on second base to begin the inning. Zeltser was walked intentionally, Stalker singled, and that brought up… the pitcher. Willes however cracked the 0-1 pitch to right-center, Plunkett missed it, and Reyna played the ball deep enough for the Coons to come up with a 2-run double! Promptly, Berto and Manny came up with poor groundouts that advanced nobody, but Wallace rushed his first pitch through the hole between Schneller and Jose Jaramillo for a 2-out, 2-run single, stretching the score to 6-1. Benito committed another error on Fowler’s grounder, but Avakian grounded out anyway… We sure hoped, six runs would be enough for Willes not to lose, but … oh, boy. Bottom 5th, Acor led off with a single, Willes walked Schneller – the fifth free pass he issued – and Jonathan Reyna singled to right. Acor went around third base and scored, but also twisted his ankle as he banged into The Wall, and had to leave the game in favor of Luis Leija; the trailing runners, however, moved up and so it was a 6-2 game with runners on second and third and nobody out. On the very next pitch, Juan Herrera fired a rocket to right, but precisely at Manny Fernandez, who then cut down Dan Schneller at home in a 9-2 double play. Willes plunked Plunkett, then barely made the play on Ivan Pena’s grounder that stranded runners on the corners in a completely messed up inning…

Portland responded with Berto and Manny on base in the top 6th and Fowler knocking a 2-out, 2-run single off Ricardo Ordas to get them home, further extending the lead to 8-2. Stalker was on second base in the top 7th when Berto singled to right. Portland sent the runner anyway, but Plunkett also overran the ball for the by then fourth Indians error in the game. Nothing further came of it, while in the bottom of the inning Reyna singled and Juan Herrera homered off Mauricio Garavito to get the Indians back to within a pawful. That was the last out of the Indians, however; Hennessy and Wise would show them the door in the last two innings. 9-4 Coons. Ramos 2-5, BB, RBI; M. Fernandez 2-6, HR, 2 RBI; Fowler 3-5, 2 RBI; Stalker 3-4;

Game 2
POR: RF Salgado – SS Stalker – C Wall – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Vickers – LF Hall – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B I. Pena – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P Terwilliger

Under the threat of having their daily meals reduced from six to three if they didn’t beat Terwilliger, the Raccoons did precious little the first time through, although del Rio singled with one out in the top 3rd. Salgado singled, but was forced out by Stalker before Wall grounded to short with two outs. Jaramillo threw that one away, plating del Rio for the game’s first run. Fowler was walked half-arsedly with first base open, and Avakian struck out, stranding a full set. Del Rio responded by allowing three straight singles to begin the bottom 3rd, all to right, and by the 7-8-9 batters. Bags full, Acor tied the game with a sac fly, Schneller walked, Baron hacked himself out, and Herrera singled to left, where Nate Hall clumsily overran the ball for an extra base and extra run. Plunkett grounded out, but the damage was done, now down 3-1, one run on both sides unearned. Consecutive Tim Stalker errors (!) with two outs (!!) in the bottom 4th put Benito and Terwilliger (!!!) on base, but Acor grounded out to throw the opportunity away…

The Coons stranded two when Avakian grounded out in the fifth, then only got back on base with another Jaramillo error in the seventh, placing Hugo Salgado on second base with nobody out. Stalker popped out, but Kurt Wall FINALLY got a ball to drop in for an RBI single in left-center, getting Salgado in to score and Fowler came up with the go-ahead run, but popped out as well. Avakian dropped a bloop single, bringing in Vickers, who ran a full count in an exceedingly tense spot with the tying run on second base and the go-ahead run on first, before shooting a ball through Juan Benito and up the line, all the way into the leftfield corner. Both Critters scored, flipping the scoreboard to show 4-3 in our favor! Nate Hall added a sharp RBI single to center, 5-3, before Zeltser flew out to Baron in deep centerfield.

Del Rio got two more outs before walking Acor in the bottom 7th. He was yanked; with his spot leading off the following inning, the Coons wanted Berto in that #9 slot; he entered along with Dusty Kulp, with Vickers getting shafted a half-inning after his potentially game-winning double. Facing Schneller, Kulp got a grounder to Berto, and that ended the inning. Berto then reached on a Benito error in the eighth, but the Indians had brought in lefty Juan Melendrez, the death of all base stealers. Salgado’s grounder to second base wasn’t much better, wrapping up Ramos in a 4-6-3, and the Coons did nothing else of value in the inning. The 5-3 lead eventually arrived with Ed Blair in the bottom 9th. He walked Reyna, Benito singled, and there was nobody out when J.J. Henley pinch-hit and drove a ball to deep right. Manny Fernandez raced back and made a catch at the fence…! Reyna moved to third base, but the Coons kept the tying run, Benito’s, on first base, now with one out. One more pitch did end the game – but in the Coons’ favor! Acor grounded to short and Berto started a 6-4-3 soul-soother… 5-3 Coons. Wall 2-5, RBI; Vickers 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI;

One more left with Indy; can we make it a sweep, finally? It would be our first 3-game sweep of the year!

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Sabre
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – 1B I. Pena – RF Plunkett – SS Jaramillo – 3B Benito – P Burris

Portland started out with another 2-0 lead; Berto opened with a single, with Manny getting added to the bases on an Ivan Pena error. Fowler hit a single to center; Berto made a bid for home and beat Baron’s throw that also allowed the remaining runners to advance. Avakian landed an RBI single as well, but then Stalker got wrapped up in an inning-ending double play. That was a good start for Raffaello Sabre… who lasted two outs before leaving the game with an injury, blowing a six-foot hole into our sweep bid. The Raccoons had to scramble and sent Prieto to get some length, but ultimately we’d exploit the previous off day and Rendon was sent to the bullpen to get ready to follow after Prieto if necessary – and it would be necessary if Prieto didn’t go at least three innings.

He didn’t. 31 pitches barely got him through the second inning, and after two outs in the bottom 3rd had been logged, Prieto gave up a blast to John Baron. A walk to Herrera after that ended his day, and Gilberto Rendon appeared in relief. He walked Pena, gave up a single to Plunkett, and with the bags stuffed also a long fly to left to Jaramillo. Somehow Wallace managed to catch that one at the edge of the warning track, stranding all runners. Top 4th, the Coons got Avakian and Stalker on base; now the latter only reached on Benito’s throwing error on what could have been a 5-4-3, but don’t panic – we still found some mook to hit into that double play. After Zeltser fanned, Scheffer fed Schneller a 4-6-3 cookie…

While Rendon settled in a bit, the Coons had their first two batters on board again in the sixth, this time without an error involved. Wallace singled and Fowler walked against Burris, who fell to 3-0 to Avakian before our pretend-slugger actually swung. I screamed in horror, but the ball dropped into no man’s land in shallow center; the single loaded the bases with nobody out. Tim Stalker grounded sharply at Schneller, who elected a safe out at home rather than a wonky double play. Zeltser thus still had three on, grounded up the middle, and the Gold Glover Schneller missed that one for an RBI single. Burris was knocked out and replaced by Ricardo Ordas. The Coons brought on Hugo Salgado to hit for the generally lackluster Philip Scheffer, but Salgado flew out to Acor, and with the pitcher behind that, the Raccoons had to send Avakian from third base – he was thrown out, ending the inning in 7-2 fashion. In turn, the Indians ran into an inning-ending 9-2 double play in the bottom of the inning after Rendon had cluelessly shuffled Plunkett, Jaramillo, and Benito on base. Matt Owen pinch-hit and flew out to Manny Fernandez, who axed Plunkett at the plate. Wicked game!

That was all for Rendon. Vickers walked in his place to begin the seventh, but never got off first base. Wise got through the seventh, but Hennessy retired nobody in the eighth; Pena and Plunkett singled, and Ed Blair came on in some desperate move that couldn’t possibly work out. Jaramillo promptly shot an RBI single to left, moving the tying run to second base. Benito bunted, badly, and got that tying run forced out at third base, but that still left two on base with one out. J.J. Henley pinch-hit and fanned, but Acor hit a grounder to left. Zeltser BARELY got paws on it and threw to second base from his bum, where Edgar Barrios barely caught the ball ahead of the sliding Benito, ending the bottom 8th…!

After singles by Barrios and Ramos put two on with one out against Tim Thweatt in the ninth inning, Manny grounded to third base. Benito made the force play there, but couldn’t toss to first base on time. Wallace however beat Plunkett for an RBI double for a precious insurance run before Fowler fanned to strand two; but that still meant that Ed Blair had to hold up for another inning. Schneller grounded out to short. Baron singled to right. Herrera flew out to Fernandez. That left Ivan Pena, who poked the first pitch for a comebacker, and Blair gladly took that one and lobbed it to first base to seal the deal on the Indians…! 4-2 Critters! Ramos 2-4, BB; Wallace 2-5, 2B, RBI; Avakian 2-3, BB, RBI; Barrios 1-1; Rendon 3.1 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 1 K; Blair 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K, SV (8);

I am sort of worried about the huge hole that an injury to Raffaello Sabre would tear into the rotation… Dr. Chung, any good news? Any good news?? - … He just walked away after snorting and rolling his eyes.

Raccoons (19-20) vs. Aces (22-18) – May 18-20, 2035

A winter removed from a 7-2 performance against the Aces in 2034, the Raccoons hoped to keep winning and extend their 7-1 string of games. Vegas had dropped five in a row after a strong start to the season, but they were first in runs scored in the CL. Unfortunately their pitching was nowhere near that good. Their rotation was average, and their pen was getting the brains beaten in on a daily basis.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (2-4, 5.40 ERA) vs. John Jackson (1-4, 4.21 ERA)
Colt Willes (3-3, 3.35 ERA) vs. Jamie Klages (2-3, 3.02 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (3-4, 4.18 ERA) vs. Antonio Vega (5-1, 3.09 ERA)

All right-handers in this series.

Game 1
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – LF Salto – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – RF J. Nelson – 3B Carman – SS Schneider – P J. Jackson
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Justin Simmons singled, Adam Horner homered, and Bernie Chavez looked like a total fraud once more, and that was even before Brent Rempfer doubled and scored on Justin Nelson’s single. All those hits were hard, and sad, too. He gave up a triple to the opposing pitcher in the second, then nailed Simmons, and finally came out of the game with back tightness, which served to completely derail all pitching plans for good. Dusty Kulp would be entered for long relief and found his way out of the inning without deepening the 3-0 chasm, but morale had found a new low in my office.

Compounding factors included the Coons getting no hits the first time through, and then adding idiocy to the mix. Manny Fernandez ran a 3-0 count to begin the bottom 4th, then poked and popped out. Kulp lasted the Critters through the fifth inning, surrendering a run on three hits, a pair of 2-out doubles by Graciano Salto and Mario Briones in the top 5th. The Coons finally got a base hit with a Kurt Wall single in the bottom 5th, but that was it for offense. David Fernandez logged five outs in the sixth and seventh before putting four straight Aces on base and getting chased off the mound after a bases-loaded walk to Justin Nelson that got the Aces to 5-0. Chris Wise replaced him and struck out Vince Carman, but who cared at this point…? The Aces stranded another three in the eighth inning, and those had mostly also reached with two outs. Wise gave up a single to Brian Schneider, then was replaced by Hennessy after Simmons struck out. Hennessy nailed Horner, walked Salto, and somehow Briones popped out foul before waiting for what other inept move Hennessy had up his sleeves… Hennessy ****ed up another two walks, leading off the ninth, and a Bob Cruz RBI single after that, but again, who was even counting at this stage…? 6-0 Aces. Wall 1-2, BB; Salgado 1-1;

Panic mode engaged? Never mind the $14m fed to a 5.77 ERA pitcher that now seems to have back issues, but everything is coming apart yet again, just when I thought the team had found the rally button.

Bernie Chavez will be fine to pitch his next turn in the rotation. No word on Sabre. I asked Dr. Chung, and he just spat on the ground and stomped away.

No roster move as of Saturday, but we had to get our **** in a row and our ducks cleaned up by now…!

Game 2
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – LF Salto – RF E. Martin – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – SS B. Cruz – P Klages
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – P Willes

Another first inning, another homer, this time by Graciano Salto. At least it counted only for one run, but in exchange it was almost deep for two, easily clearing the batter’s eye in centerfield. Berto walked and was caught stealing in the bottom 1st, but the bottom 2nd began with walks to Avakian and Wall, then a bases-filling single by Bob Zeltser, who lifted his average to an inspiring .216 with those heroics. Stalker had three on and no out, and for a moment showed how he had survived in the majors for almost 15 years, tripling into the rightfield corner on a 1-2 pitch to give Portland a 3-1 lead. Willes scored him with a single, got forced on Ramos’ grounder, and then Berto was caught stealing again. Brilliant! Berto was then on the long end of a leadoff error by the Coons in the third, when he fed a fine throw to Avakian off Bob Cruz’ grounder, but Avakian had it bounce in and out of his glove and eventually to the ground. Cruz was then caught stealing. – Yeah, making a call here … those teams won’t meet in the CLCS …!

Over the next few innings there were only singular heroics; Justin Fowler hit a solo homer in the third inning, and the Aces clawed back on Jesse Stedham’s Wallace-sponsored single, then a Cruz double in the gap and Vince Carman’s pinch-hit sac fly in the top 5th. Steve Carr pitched in the bottom 5th but arrived at the same spot that Klages had found himself in in the second inning: Avakian, Wall, Zeltser aboard, Stalker up, nobody out. That count reached 1-2, too. And that pitcher didn’t beat Stalker either, not with his 71mph curve – GRAAAAAAAND SLAAAAAAAAAAMMM!!!!

With the game about over in a 9-2 score, it was mostly about how far the Coons could push Willes without calamity occurring, given that the team had twice lost starters in the first two innings in the last few days, and the pen was aching and screaking. Willes was almost at 100 pitches after seven fine but unspectacular innings. He went out for the eighth, but only caused mayhem; Simmons hit a leadoff single, Willes threw a wild pitch, then walked Horner, and was summarily yanked after that. Prieto got a double play grounder from Salto, then a grounder to end the inning from Evan Martin. Then came the ninth, and Garavito. He allowed a single to Briones, a single to Rempfer, another one to Stedham, and another one to Cruz, then was chased into the tunnel to the clubhouse by the pitching coach, swinging a bat laced with nails. Wise entered, allowed a 2-run double to Tony Salinas, and was also yanked. Ed Blair entered in a save situation – always dandy after having been up by A ****ING SEVEN RUNS – and got Simmons to line out to Stalker. Moreover, Salinas was doubled off second base. Horner grounded out, ending the damn game. 9-5 Coons. Zeltser 3-4; Stalker 2-4, HR, 3B, 7 RBI; Willes 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W (4-3) and 1-3, RBI;

By Sunday, there WAS a roster move. Dr. Chung announced that Sabre had a forearm strain and had to be shut down for a month. So off to the DL with the 26-year-old.

Hul-lo, Darren Brown…

Game 3
LVA: CF Simmons – C Horner – RF E. Martin – 2B Briones – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – LF J. Nelson – SS McNatt – P Crowell
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P del Rio

The righty Chris Crowell (4-1, 3.77 ERA) saw runners in scoring position both in the first (Wallace, Fowler) and second (Zeltser, Scheffer) innings, and neither time surrendered a run with Avakian and Ramos grounding out harmlessly both times. The game was still scoreless when an hourlong rain delay continued the constant Coons pen sabotage in the fourth inning. del Rio would be closely watched after having tossed 44 pitches for 3.1 innings prior to the interruption, but continued as normal afterwards, retiring the next five Aces in order to complete five innings. He was sent to bat, leading off the bottom 5th, popped out, then saw Ramos single, but that was all the offense the Critters mustered in the inning.

Crowell hit a leadoff single in the sixth, sending the Coons’ pen stirring, but del Rio held on one more time, retiring the next three batters on grounders. Briones then drew a leadoff walk in the seventh, followed by Brent Rempfer singling through Avakian. Manny Fernandez was on the ball quickly and threw out Briones trying to reach third base, but the Coons had seen enough of del Rio now, who was lifted for David Fernandez. The Aces sent Salinas to hit for Stedham on those grounds, seeking the platoon advantage. Fernandez walked Salinas, rung up Nelson, then conceded the first run of the game, an RBI single by PH Vince Carman. Salinas was slain in a rundown on the play, but only after the runner scored, ending the inning. Portland made two outs in the bottom 7th before Vickers singled out of the #9 hole, followed by Crowell melting with a walk to Berto, followed by Manny Fernandez’ RBI single. Wallace flew out to center, keeping the game tied, though.

Top 8th, Antonio Prieto allowed a 1-out single to Simmons, then was hung with the loss when Hennessy came on and retired nobody once more. Simmons stole second, but Hennessy walked Horner on four pitches anyway. Evan Martin’s RBI double made it 2-1 Aces, and then Hennessy walked Briones onto the open base like a real ***hole. He was yanked for Dusty Kulp, who gave up a 2-run single to Bob Cruz, an RBI single to Brian Schneider, who stole second base, and then a sac fly to Nelson. Carman grounded out, concluding a 5-run massacre that sealed the game pretty much watertight. 6-1 Aces. Vickers (PH) 1-1; del Rio 6.1 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K;

In other news

May 15 – The Blue Sox beat the Rebels, 9-8 in 11 innings. Two Sox have 5-hit games, with Billy Bouldin (.345, 0 HR, 15 RBI) hitting for four singles and a double without even one RBI, while Raul Sanchez (.343, 7 HR, 19 RBI) lands a homer, two doubles, and two singles, and drives in just the one RBI.
May 15 – The Gold Sox out-hit the Wolves 15-8, yet lose 10-5 in a wicked game in Salem. The Wolves score all their runs in the first three innings and strand only three runners, while the Gold Sox leave 14 runners on base.
May 16 – In what could have been The Day for Warriors SP Mike Ibarra (5-1, 3.14 ERA), he pitches a no-hitter into the ninth inning before coming apart violently for a single, three walks, and after two relievers are done finishing the collapse, three runs. DAL SS Jon Ramos (.289, 0 HR, 16 RBI) gets that crucial first base hit in. The Stars score four runs total in the inning, but still lose, 6-4. Ibarra allowed neither a hit nor a walk prior to the ninth inning, but DAL C Giovanni James (.245, 0 HR, 8 RBI) reached base on an uncaught third strike in the third inning.
May 16 – The Canadiens lose SP Felipe Delgado (4-3, 3.72 ERA) for the season with a partially torn UCL.
May 17 – SAC SS/3B Adam Downs (.261, 3 HR, 15 RBI) is lost for the season with a torn posterior cruciate ligament.
May 18 – The Indians pick up 41-year-old RF Pablo Sanchez (.366, 2 HR, 16 RBI) from the Buffaloes, parting with MR Ricardo Ordas (0-1, 6.23 ERA) and two prospects. The package includes #77 prospect CL Charlie James.
May 18 – SFB SP Jose Lerma (3-2, 5.37 ERA) holds the Crusaders at bay for a 3-hit shutout in a 5-0 San Francisco victory.
May 18 – LAP 2B/SS Alex Serrato (.319, 5 HR, 26 RBI) has four hits and plates six runs in the Pacifics’ 16-2 wonking of the Rebels.
May 20 – NYC SP Eddie Cannon (6-4, 2.95 ERA) fires a 3-hit shutout against the Bayhawks, returning the favor from Friday. The Crusaders win 5-0.

Complaints and stuff

There is two options to go with the bullpen. They will either be the death of me, or I will be the death of every single one of them. What a ****ing collection of clowns. And not the funny ones. The ones that climb into your children’s bedrooms at night… (slams fists on the desk)

Then there was this number – the Raccoons have the second-worst defensive efficiency in the CL. Now, this is out of the ordinary, and I know that we’re playing the odd defensive dud wearing #5 day in, day out, but we have always been a strong defensive outfit. I suspected Fowler might have something to do with it, but not so; he has a +2.2 ZR. Berto is under zero, but just barely, and he’s never really been far above it, at least not since his age 22 season. Avakian does not help a great deal at first base; at least in that regard Travis Zitzner was not a complete chance killer.

Maybe I shouldn’t have mocked the baseball gods? Oh yeah, about that…

Darren Brown’s regular turn would be Monday, but we are off on Monday. Nevertheless I plan to send him out the first chance I get on Tuesday in Oklahoma, which is also in the spot occupied by Sabre.

Is there a worse position to be in than Rich Vickers? By all accounts he is a pretty decent second baseman. He is more than a decade younger than Tim Stalker. And yet, whenever it looks like the tooth of time has finally chewed up Tim Stalker, he wins a game all by himself like on Saturday. Rich Vickers will never get a fair shot on this team, not as long good ol’ Timmyboy’s still alive.

Fun Fact: The Raccoons have gone through 16 different team leaders in starts at first base since Tetsu Osanai’s demise in 1993.

This includes the odd weird assignment like Matt Higgins (in 1993, when we were simply not prepared) and Shane Walter (in 2023). But mostly it is one alleged slugger after another that was imported for precious coin or prospects and then turned out to be completely useless. The exception were the 15 seasons from 2000 through 2014 when Al Martin and Adrian Quebell held the fort after moving up through our system. And even then I was only happy with one of them…

Raccoons Leaders in GS @ 1B by Year, with total offensive output for team (includes games at other positions; *denotes Hall of Fame player):

Matt Higgins (1993) – 1,043 G, .258, 36 HR, 392 RBI, 17.3 WAR
Esteban Baldivía (1994-95) – 337 G, .284, 18 HR, 135 RBI, 3.8 WAR
Liam Wedemeyer (1996-98) – 388 G, .246, 69 HR, 235 RBI, 3.3 WAR
César Gonzalez (1999) – 245 G, .243, 27 HR, 128 RBI, 3.9 WAR
Albert Martin (2000-05) – 928 G, .284, 142 HR, 518 RBI, 15.4 WAR
Adrian Quebell (2006-14) – 1,369 G, .291, 129 HR, 675 RBI, 30.9 WAR
Stanley Murphy* (2015) – 218 G, .258, 22 HR, 93 RBI, 1.9 WAR
Adam Young (2016-17) – 287 G, .280, 15 HR, 119 RBI, 2.4 WAR
Hugo Mendoza* (2018-21) – 785 G, .296, 144 HR, 551 RBI, 25.7 WAR
Gil Rockwell (2022) – 149 G, .238, 19 HR, 68 RBI, 1.0 WAR
Shane Walter (2023) – 812 G, .306, 34 HR, 348 RBI, 20.4 WAR
Jon Gonzalez (2024-26) – 380 G, .274, 55 HR, 220 RBI, 6.9 WAR
Kevin Harenberg (2027-30) – 688 G, .287, 99 HR, 414 RBI, 16.3 WAR
Jarod Howden (2031) – 283 G, .234, 29 HR, 114 RBI, 0.7 WAR
Travis Zitzner (2032-34) – 452 G, .269, 51 HR, 201 RBI, 6.5 WAR
Adam Avakian (2035) – 33 G, .261, 1 HR, 7 RBI, -0.2 WAR

And now, by WAR per 100 games! Total science, baby!

Hugo Mendoza* (2018-21) – 3.27
Shane Walter (2023) – 2.51
Kevin Harenberg (2027-30) – 2.37
Adrian Quebell (2006-14) – 2.26
Jon Gonzalez (2024-26) – 1.82
Albert Martin (2000-05) – 1.66
Matt Higgins (1993) – 1.66
César Gonzalez (1999) – 1.59
Travis Zitzner (2032-34) – 1.44
Esteban Baldivía (1994-95) – 1.13
Stanley Murphy* (2015) – 0.87
Liam Wedemeyer (1996-98) – 0.85
Adam Young (2016-17) – 0.84
Gil Rockwell (2022) – 0.67
Jarod Howden (2031) – 0.25
Adam Avakian (2035) – –0.61

Worse than the dumb pig…!?