[Westheim]

Raccoons (9-15) vs. Crusaders (11-13) – April 30-May 2, 2035

The last-place Critters (…) had their first dibs with the Crusaders, who they had beat 10 times out of 18 in the previous season. Right now, though, the Critters had lost 11 of their last 14 games, and had scored roundabout 14 runs doing so. New York was sixth in runs scored, second from the bottom in runs allowed, but they had real hope that their patented stale brand of baseball would play rally well in Portland…

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (2-2, 2.88 ERA) vs. Eddie Cannon (2-3, 4.00 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (2-3, 4.60 ERA) vs. Jamie O’Leary (0-1, 5.06 ERA)
Colt Willes (1-3, 3.73 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (1-3, 6.20 ERA)

Right, left, right. Jamie O’Leary was by now 31 years old and had a 4-11 record in six years as occasionally employed Crusaders swingman. He had needed only one season as a Coon to rack up a 2-11 record in ’29. Him and Yusneldan Delgadillo had amounted to Chris Wise back then, so that trade still looked kind of fresh.

Game 1
NYC: LF Saito – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – CF Veraart – SS J. Brown – P E. Cannon
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – CF Hall – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon

Superficially, the game started rather well with Gilberto Rendon facing the minimum while whiffing five the first time through. Danny Monge hit a single in the top 2nd, but was doubled off by Bill Moore, and the Coons took a 1-0 lead in the bottom of the inning on Avakian and Zeltser singles, and, well, Eddie Cannon’s wild pitch at one point helped them out, too. The Coons’ 3-4-5 batters all reached with two outs in the bottom 3rd, Manny singled home Wallace, and all seemed well. At least until Hirofumi Saito homered to start the fourth inning, indicating that Rendon was still mortal and had been direly mediocre for all of last season. As if we needed confirmation, Saito homered again his next time up, a 2-out, 2-run homer to right in the fifth that brought the Crusaders into the lead, 3-2.

A Ramos Special re-knotted the score at three in the bottom of the same inning. Berto singled to right, stole second after Stalker flew out, then came home on Jimmy Wallace’s single to center. Avakian also singled to center, and Manny found the gap between Ronnie Veraart and Vinny Chavira for an RBI double. Nate Hall cashed a pair and knocked out Cannon with a 2-run single to right before Zeltser hit into a double play against right-hander Keith Black. Ramos singled again and stole second base again off Black in the bottom 6th, but was stranded when Tim Stalker struck out. Those two turned a double play on Brown in the seventh to get Rendon through that inning, which was also his final – he finished with seven each in hits and strikeouts, too, having thrown 101 pitches. Mauricio Garavito, Dusty Kulp, and Ed Blair would finish the game without any silly accidents, and in fact without any silly base runners. 6-3 Coons. Ramos 2-5; Avakian 3-4; M. Fernandez 2-3, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Hall 2-4, 2 RBI; Zeltser 2-4, RBI; Rendon 7.0 IP, 7 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 0 BB, 7 K, W (3-2);

O’Leary was evacuated from the middle game; the Raccoons would face Joe Martin on short rest, which was certainly a wicked move.

Game 2
NYC: CF Sung – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – LF Damron – SS J. Brown – P J. Martin
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Chavez

Yeong-ha Sung singled, stole second and reached third when Kurt Wall’s throw hit him in the bum, and came home on Mario Hurtado’s sac fly to give the Crusaders a 1-0 lead in the first inning. That didn’t sound too bad; they were after all bringing a pitcher with an ERA over six, more walks than strikeouts, and on short rest – and that pitcher didn’t allow a hit the first time through the order, walked one, and fanned four. Bernie got bombed for 420 feet worth of Vinny Chavira to start the fourth inning, 2-0, and things were already drifting down the Willamette in my head. Their first base hit would be an Avakian double off the fence in leftfield with two gone in the bottom 4th and nobody out. Avakian was safe, also hurt, and was replaced by pinch-runner Hugo Salgado, who scored on Wall’s bloop single to shorten the gap to 2-1 before Zeltser popped out.

The Crusaders hit four singles through the infield gaps to score two runs – RBIs for Hurtado and Chavira – in the fifth inning, burying the Coons even deeper. Bottom 5th, Barrios walked, was bunted to second base by Chavez, and … and that was the point where the Crusaders hauled in their pitcher after 4.1 winning innings. In came *O’Leary* and right away gave up a single to Berto and a close RBI double that dropped near Keith Damron, a player from the Jimmy Wallace School of Defense, and put the tying runs in scoring position for said Jimmy Wallace, who hacked his way to 0-2 before getting drilled right in the knee. He went to the ground at once and had to be walked off the field by an annoyed Dr. Chung, which took several minutes, because our trainer initially couldn’t be arsed to bother about another clearly simulating player and just casually kept smoking with one arm hanging over the dugout’s guard rail. The Coons moved Salgado to the outfield at this point, with Fernandez to leftfield, and brought in Vince Lutch as new first baseman, batting third. It was what it was…

O’Leary walked Fowler with the bases loaded, pushing home Berto with a run, 4-3. Salgado hit a sac fly to tie the game, but Wall struck out, stranding two. In turn, the flogging of Bernie Chavez continued, with Damron and Brown reaching base to begin the sixth inning. Saito and Sung had poor outs, but Johnny Lopez hit a 2-run single, then scored on Hurtado’s double to left, knocking out Chavez after 5.2 innings of 7-run (six earned) ball. Monge lined out against Chris Wise to finish the inning. Robby Ciampa would pitch the seventh through ninth innings without allowing a run, but the Raccoons also twice failed to turn a leadoff base runner into anything, arriving in the bottom 9th still three short. Berto would lead off against Mike Hugh, the rule 5 pick that wasn’t, grounded out, and only Fernandez reached via four balls. Lutch and Fowler both grounded out to third base. 7-4 Crusaders. M. Fernandez 2-3, BB, 2B, RBI; Avakian 1-2, 2B; Wall 2-3, BB, RBI; Scheffer (PH) 1-1; Ciampa 3.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 3 K;

Jimmy Wallace had a swollen knee that would likely render him out for the rest of the week, but probably not bad enough to DL him entirely. Dr. Chung could not yet be bothered with Avakian’s perceived ailments, so the Raccoons carried two immobile players on the roster for the rubber game, with only a 3-man bench available.

Game 3
NYC: CF Sung – 1B J. Lopez – 2B M. Hurtado – C Monge – RF Chavira – 3B B. Moore – LF Veraart – SS J. Brown – P Bedoya
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P Willes

Right-hander Sal Bedoya (2-1, 3.63 ERA) was spotted a 1-0 lead by means of three 2-out singles in the top 1st, which immediately got me into spin mode again. The team would never win another game! Bottom 3rd, Ramos walked, Salgado got nailed – which we did not appreciate at this point – and Fernandez walked on four pitches, giving the Coons three on and one out. Fowler snuck a 2-2 pitch up the middle for a 2-run single, putting him at 20 RBI for the season, and Kurt Wall hit an RBI single to left. Fernandez scoring was aided by an errant throw by Ronnie Veraart, and it definitely allowed Fowler and Wall to move into scoring position. Bedoya fed junk to Edgar Barrios until he walked him to get forces on all bases, then got Zeltser to fly out to shallow left, keeping all the runners at their stations. Vince Lutch was next, batting a mighty 2-for-18. Bedoya’s first pitch was wild, scoring Fowler to make it a 4-1 game. They then walked Lutch, bringing up Willes for the second time in the inning, and he made his second out, grounding out to Josh Brown.

Salgado doubled in the bottom 4th; with two outs Fowler dropped a single near the line in rightfield, getting Salgado around to score, 5-1. Wall singled, Barrios was hit, and if the Crusaders played beanball for much longer, Ronnie Veraart was the most likely candidate to have a fastball coming for the space between his eyes… For now, Zeltser flew out to center, stranding all the runners. Keith Damron’s pinch-hit homer in the #9 hole got the Crusaders back to 5-2 in the fifth, and then Willes’ pitch brushed Sung in chest region, but only caught the uniform. Sung stole second, and scored on Monge’s single with two outs. Warnings were issued when O’Leary (!) hit Lutch to begin the bottom 5th. Willes bunted him over, Berto walked, but was forced out on Salgado’s grounder to short. Runners on the corners with two out, O’Leary threw a wild pitch that plated Lutch, 6-3, then conceded Salgado’s run on a Manny single up the middle. Fernandez was then caught stealing to end the inning.

The game was an unabated mess at this point and my only hope was that we’d get through nine without Berto taking one in the kisser. The sixth and top 7th were uneventful, while lefty Bill Herrmann gave up a leadoff single to Zeltser in the bottom 7th. Zeltser ran with Lutch down 0-2, upon which the replacement corner infielder unexpectedly hit a ball over the leftfield fence for his first career home run. The Crusaders scratched out a run in the eighth; Danny Monge reached on an uncaught third strike issued by Antonio Prieto, and when David Fernandez replaced him he allowed singles to Chavira and Moore to get that runner around. Veraart and Brown both flew out to end the inning. The Raccoons got the run back with three hits off various relievers in the bottom 8th; Nate Hall hit an RBI double to score Kurt Wall. That was the final run in a complete whirlwind of a contest, with the Raccoons prevailing by six once Chris Wise kept the Crusaders quiet in the ninth. 10-4 Raccoons. Fowler 3-4, BB, 3 RBI; Wall 2-5, RBI; Barrios 2-3, BB; Hall (PH) 1-1, 2B, RBI; Lutch 1-2, 2 BB, HR, 2 RBI;

By Thursday, the conundrum got more puzzling when Dr. Chung reported that the weakling Adam Avakian was out with “hand soreness”, and that he suggested a firing squad for treatment. I declined on the grounds that we’d never get Slappy to clean up the mess afterwards.

We were however hampered with a 3-man bench. Neither Avakian nor Wallace figured to miss even close to 15 days, with Jimmy perhaps ready to attack again on the weekend. Avakian’s timetable read about a week, maybe less. Stripping out a reliever and going with a short pen and a short bench sounded inconvenient just the same; so the Raccoons would travel to Pittsburgh with that 3-man bench…

Raccoons (11-16) @ Miners (9-19) – May 4-6, 2035

Miners baseball entailed scoring little, and giving up lots of runs. They had a -29 run differential with the eighth-best offense and second-worst pitching. The rotation was especially morbid, but it was also suffering from the worst defense in the league. They were hitting homers – Danny Santillano led the league with eight and Jake Trawick had seven – but that was about it. The Raccoons had last faced the Miners in 2033, winning two of three games after losing the three series prior to that.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (1-3, 5.16 ERA) vs. Jon Bleich (2-2, 6.00 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (2-2, 3.86 ERA) vs. Guillermo Regalado (0-5, 6.98 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (3-2, 3.09 ERA) vs. Jonas Mejia (2-3, 6.48 ERA)

We’d get all the stinkers in their rotation while missing the solid Julio Palomo (1-2, 3.32 ERA) and Roberto Pruneda (0-2, 3.38 ERA). All five were right-handers.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P del Rio
PIT: CF C. Russell – LF Burgos – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – 2B Trawick – RF Bonaccorsi – P Bleich

.091 batter Bryant Raymond took del Rio deep to center to put the Miners up 1-0 in the bottom 2nd, so this was to be another game where we’d be behind early, in the middle, and late. Berto drew a 2-out walk with nobody aboard in the top 3rd, stole second, reached third on a wild pitch, and then Salgado missed a 2-2 pitch… except that Raymond got called out for interference, sending Salgado to first base. Oh, not to worry, Miners – Manny Fernandez rolled over to Jake Trawick to end the inning anyway. The Coons had only one base hit through four innings, which was the usual modus operandum against any pitcher with an ERA north of six, so I wasn’t even surprised anymore… only dead inside. Then Zeltser and Lutch flicked soft singles to begin the top 5th, so at least something was moving. Enter del Rio, bunting the ball back to Bleich with juice, and Bleich couldn’t be more happy about it – that **** show gave the Miners a 1-5-3 double play. Ramos slid a single past Omar Lastrade to score Vince Lutch and tie the game, but that was all the Critters got… and then del Rio gave up a home run to Trawick in the bottom of the inning, and it just pain these days…

It was 3-1 after Danny Santillano singled home Chris Russell with two outs in the sixth; Russell would be in scoring position in the eighth with Dusty Kulp pitching and Santillano striding up with two outs, eager to cash an insurance run. The Coons had none of it; Santillano was walked intentionally to bring up Raymond, the crowd booed intensely, Raymond fell to 1-2, then hit a deep fly to center. Fowler kept up with it and the inning ended, after which Fowler drew a leadoff walk from Robbie Peel to bring the tying run to the plate in the ninth. Wall singled, but Stalker popped out and Zeltser whiffed. Nate Hall hit for Vince Lutch, which was a .182 batter one way or another but was also all the super-short bench would give. Hall slapped a 2-out RBI single, the tying run went to third base, Philip Scheffer batted for Kulp, popped out, and the Raccoons died another anemic death. 3-2 Miners. Zeltser 2-4; Hall (PH) 1-1, RBI;

(buries face in paws)

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Wall – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – 1B Lutch – P Sabre
PIT: 2B McKenzie – LF Burgos – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – CF Trawick – RF M. Mendoza – P Regalado

Berto, Manny, and Fowler hit singles in the first for one run, then Wall hit into a 6-4-3 to end the inning. Santillano hit into a double play in the bottom 1st ,and Zeltser joined the club of shame in the following half-inning. With Neil Clark on second base and two outs, the Coons walked Mario Mendoza and his .383 bat intentionally, bringing up Regalado, who OF COURSE singled to right past Vince Lutch to score Clark and tie the game. Jim McKenzie then struck out.

Portland poured out four singles in the third inning, amounting to a total of one run, which was Fowler singling home Fernandez. Wall and Stalker also hit singles, but Zeltser flew out to Trawick in center to strand three. That was a 2-1 lead in the middle of the third inning, with Portland on NINE hits… and they STILL couldn’t just flatout WIN a ****ing game…!! While Sabre almost walked Regalado in the bottom 4th – the offending pitcher flew out in a 3-0 count ultimately – the Raccoons got Fernandez to second base with nobody out in the fifth thanks to a throwing error by Neil Clark… and left him on base. Wallace popped out, Fowler was walked intentionally after getting all the Critters’ RBI in the game, and Wall hit into another double play. While Sabre kept somehow holding on despite being behind against almost every batter, the Raccoons got ANOTHER unearned runner in scoring position on a 2-base throwing error to begin an inning, with McKenzie’s airmailed toss putting Berto on second base in the top 7th. Comebacker, groundout, lineout – Ramos trudged back to the dugout from third base. Sabre lasted seven, the final out being Regalado grounding out on a 3-1 pitch… and I was close to not understanding anything about baseball anymore.

While Regalado lasted eight without allowing any more runs, the Raccoons sent Garavito for a scoreless 8-pitch eighth inning. Hugo Salgado pinch-hit for Garavito to begin the ninth, singled, stole second, and was stranded when right-hander Matt Brost got three pathetic outs from the 1-2-3 batters. Enter Ed Blair into the game and two groundouts into the scorecard before Clark singled to right. Yvon Bonaccorsi batted for Trawick mostly for matchup reasons, ran a full count, but fanned. 2-1 Blighters. M. Fernandez 2-5; Fowler 2-3, BB, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-4; Lutch 2-4; Salgado 1-1; Sabre 7.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 3 K, W (3-2);

It takes some sort of talent to land 12 hits, all singles, and score only two runs with them…

It is not a GOOD talent to have, just like it is not a good talent to remain undetected for years while murdering hookers in the general vicinity of he ballpark. I hear the Rose City Ripper slew another victim last night; I wish he’d slay a few of these players…

How to make Avakian wear a pink skirt…

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Salgado – 2B Barrios – 3B Zeltser – C Scheffer – P Rendon
PIT: CF C. Russell – 2B McKenzie – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – C Raymond – SS N. Clark – LF Trawick – RF Bonaccorsi – P J. Mejia

The Raccoons scattered three hits as badly as possible the first time through while Rendon retired the Miners in order in the first two innings before Trawick and Bonaccorsi reached the corners on a pair of sharp singles to begin the bottom 3rd. Mejia’s bunt was bad and had Bonaccorsi forced out at second base, but Russell also popped out, so maybe for once it would not all come crash- … and then it all came crashing down with a McKenzie homer to right. 3-0 at once, the game was lost, I declared and resorted to drinking whatever I could find, parading the concourse from the third base side counter-clockwise with the sole intent of getting as hammered as Rendon.

Top 4th, Jimmy Wallace opened with a single to right and Fowler walked. That brought up the tying run with nobody out, but unfortunately those two were the only two batters no in some sort of funk. Salgado was hitting .296, but it was a weak .296 and he only had 3 RBI. What a waste of everybody’s time. He nubbed a ball through the left side, loading the bags on a single, and all that did was entice the corps of despicables to do horrendous things to our chances. A run scored with Edgar Barrios waving his bat, but he also grounded into a 4-6-3 double play. Zeltser somehow walked, but Scheffer reliably grounded out to short; it was that or whiffing with him. The ****show continued with a Neil Clark double with one out in the bottom 4th. Trawick flew out, advancing the runner, and the Coons had no part of Bonaccorsi and his .350 average. With two outs he was put on intentionally. Jonas Meija thus turned a 1-2 pitch into an RBI single to center. RENDON!! YOU ****ING ***HOLE!! (several children in the vicinity start to cry)

Rendon and Ramos opened the fifth on base, but Fernandez hit into a double play. Wallace’s RBI double was followed by a Fowler strikeout, and the Coons remained behind by two, until they were behind three again on Chris Russell’s sac fly in the bottom 6th, plating Trawick, who along with Bonaccorsi had opened the inning with base hits off the useless pushover soiling the brown shirt. David Fernandez and Robby Ciampa would pitch the required innings to end the game in a Miners win and held the score at 5-2, with Robbie Peel back on the mound for the ninth. Tim Stalker hit for Ciampa in the #7 hole and doubled to right. Kurt Wall hit for Scheffer against the lefty closer, but grounded out. Lutch fanned, Raymond fumbled a pitch for a run-scoring passed ball, and Berto blooped a single on a 1-2 pitch to extend the game long enough to bring the tying run to the plate. It was an 0-for-4 Manny Fernandez, but only Nate Hall was left on the bench, and … Fernandez struck out. 5-3 Miners. Ramos 2-5; Wallace 3-4, 2B, RBI; Salgado 2-4; Stalker (PH) 1-1, 2B;

In other news

April 30 – The Condors take 12 innings to beat the Thunder in walkoff fashion, 1-0, after a OF Justin Williams (.245, 2 HR, 14 RBI) single, a misplayed bunt, a 4-pitch walk, and finally a sac fly by 2B/SS Andy Hughes (.275, 0 HR, 8 RBI).
May 1 – NAS SP Sean Fowler (0-4, 8.42 ERA) will have season-ending surgery for a torn rotator cuff, which is probably for the better.
May 2 – DAL SP Logan Bessey (1-2, 2.73 ERA) is expected to miss four months with bone chips in his elbow.
May 3 – With the Titans’ 6-3 lead already whittled down to 6-5, the Canadiens have Tomas Caraballo (.268, 2 HR, 16 RBI) and D.J. Robinson (.265, 0 HR, 8 RBI) at the corners with one out in the bottom of the ninth. A passed ball ties the game before Robinson sets off to steal third base in a 2-2 count to Nick Carpenter. BOS C Jim Young (.309, 4 HR, 9 RBI) throws wildly to third base, allowing Robinson to make for home and score the winning run in a 7-6 walkoff win.
May 5 – TOP SP Andy Geiser (4-2, 3.00 ERA) 1-hits the Falcons in a 5-0 Buffos win while they also lose CF/RF Tony Coca (.212, 4 HR, 15 RBI) for a month. The 34-year-old is out with a quad strain.
May 6 – Salem’s SP Brandon Nickerson (2-1, 1.51 ERA) 3-hits the Knights in a 5-0 Wolves win.
May 6 – SAC CF Mark Vermillion (.324, 6 HR, 17 RBI) has a 20-game hitting streak after landing a pair of doubles in the Scorpions’ 9-3 win over the Bayhawks.

Complaints and stuff

Not a losing week! Progress, ya-hay …! (hits head on desk repeatedly)

Kurt Wall wants to bat in the middle of the order, Dusty Kulp wants to the closer, Jimmy Wallace wants more meat for breakfast, and I want these diarrhea pills to adversely react with the bottle of rim cleaner I just mixed with orange juice and half a bar of soap, but nothing is working and nobody is happy!

(sighs) … Can this team be turned around in any way? (shakes magic 8-ball) … (peeks in the hole) … (shoulders sag) … (turns to Honeypaws) Don’t you bicker at me! – Well, then you try it. (rolls ball into the stuffed toy coon’s nose)

Vermillion’s Scorpions come to Portland starting on Monday. That will be a series without Avakian. He may come back on the weekend on a trip to the Great Lakes region.

Fun Fact: Alberto Ramos has 479 career stolen bases, fourth all-time and just six off Moromao Hino’s total of 485.

After that it’s Guillermo Obando (561) and Pablo Sanchez (687), although both of these are still active.

That aside, fun’s pretty much dead ‘round here…