[Westheim]

Raccoons (0-0) @ Canadiens (0-0) – April 3-4, 2035

Not the best way to start a season, right up in stinkin’ Elkland. They had lost 102 games last year, and while that was right where I liked to see them, I still didn’t like to see the team up there while I had to nurse my anxiety at home. At least it was only a season-opening 2-game set… The Raccoons had gone 12-6 against them for two straight years.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (0-0) vs. Josh Weeks (0-0)
Colt Willes (0-0) vs. Joe West (0-0)

Left, right, and outta there.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – C Wall – RF M. Fernandez – 3B Marsingill – P Chavez
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – 2B Morrow – CF Pohl – SS B. Gonzales – P Weeks

Alberto Ramos would get the first Coons hit of the season… in the third inning, legging out a 2-out infield single. He was left on base, with the game still scoreless. The Elks had gotten Eric Morrow and Pat Pohl into scoring position in the bottom 2nd on two base hits, but had also lost Pohl to a sore hammy on the play, replacing him with Micah Massey. The stupid Elks had three base hits off Chavez in the bottom of the third, with Jesse LeJeune hitting a soft 2-out single, stealing second, and coming home on Josh Stephenson’s single. Tomas Caraballo doubled past Manny Fernandez for another run, and the Coons were in a 2-0 hole to begin the year. Morrow flew out to Fowler to end the third. Portland followed on the board swiftly and in style – Adam Avakian jerked a leadoff jack off Weeks in the top 4th! Justin Fowler, the other huge offseason acquisition struck out before Wallace and Wall both reached and were stranded, but the fifth began with Chavez singling up the middle, and Berto coaxing a walk. Tim Stalker fanned, Avakian popped out, but now Fowler came through with a game-tying RBI single to right, and Jimmy Wallace slipped an RBI single up the middle to put the Critters ahead. Josh Weeks got carved up some more when Stephenson failed to reach Kurt Wall’s gapper that became a 2-out, 2-run double and extended the lead to 5-2! …and then 5-2 became 5-4 on Stephenson’s long homer in the bottom 5th, collecting Michael Duryea, too.

Tim Stalker would single home Marsingill in the top 6th, but that run would fall out of John Hennessy in the bottom 7th. Hennessy retired none of the three batters he faced; replacing Bernie Chavez with two outs in the bottom 6th he walked PH Nick Carpenter, who as caught stealing, and then walked D.J. Robinson and served up a double to Duryea in the seventh. Chris Wise staved off the worst upon replacing him, allowing a sac fly that cut the gap to 6-5 and getting a grounder and a K. The eighth inning was uneventful, but my jaws had yet to unclench, and the ninth inning would definitely not help with that. Bryce Sudar would face the Raccoons and served up a leadoff double off the wall to Justin Fowler… and Fowler pulled up lame at second base and had to be replaced. Nate Hall jogged in as pinch-runner while Fowler limped off with the trainer, and all of it unspooled in slow motion in front of my eyes aghast. The intentional walk to Wallace and Wall’s RBI double to left-center didn’t even register with me. Neither did the intentional walk to Fernandez, loading the sacks, the bases-loaded walk drawn by Bob Zeltser, and Edgar Barrios’ sac fly, all of which gave Portland a slam-sized lead. I still saw $14M worth of Justin Fowler limp off. I also didn’t see David Fernandez get chucked up for three hits and a run in the bottom 9th before Caraballo hit into a game-ending double play. I was still seeing Fowler limp off, and $14M in medical bills with him. 9-6 Coons. Ramos 2-4, 2 BB, 2B; Avakian 2-5, HR, RBI; Fowler 2-5, 2B, RBI; Wall 3-5, 2 2B, 3 RBI; Zeltser (PH) 0-0, BB, RBI;

I didn’t unfreeze until a rerun of Hunchback Judge in the middle of the night. I wept a little, then crawled into bed with Honeypaws.

The following day, Dr. Chung called from Elk City, complaining that his boss hadn’t given him any MEN to care for, just whiny little GIRLS, then hung up.

Fowler wasn’t in the lineup on Wednesday afternoon, so I assumed he had already been sent to some gulag in the mountains.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P Willes
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – C Duryea – LF LeJeune – RF Stephenson – 1B Caraballo – 2B Morrow – CF Massey – SS B. Gonzales – P J. West

The first five Critters in the game all reached, even though not all did so under their own power. Berto walked to begin the game, Zeltser singled, and Wallace cranked a 3-piece to right-center. Avakian reached on an error, Salgado singled, and then the inning quickly fizzled out. Then came Willes’ Coons debut, an infield single for Robinson and a 2-run homer by Duryea. Oh dear. Willes would bleed another pair of hits in both of the next two innings, but those were all singles and paid them Elks no runs. Portland added an unearned run in the third inning, when Avakian reached on an error yet again. Tim Stalker would end up plating him to make it 4-2.

While Willes was shaky just like Bernie had been, which filled me with foreboding, the Raccoons got more chances to score. They loaded the bags in the fifth, with Willes’ bases-filling 2-out single bringing up Berto, who flew out to Massey to strand three. Three more were on in the sixth with Zeltser, Avakian, and Salgado all reaching. Manny Fernandez hit into a double play to kill that attempt…

Like Bernie, Willes lasted only 5.2 innings and was yanked after two singles had made it a 4-3 game with Bobby Gonzales at first base and Nick Carpenter again pinch-hitting in the #9 hole. Garavito came on, nailed Carpenter, then rung up Robinson, which at least ended the inning. The Critters’ offense seemed to have gone home at this point, while the pen kept scrambling. Dusty Kulp did the seventh well enough, but Hennessy walked Stephenson to begin the eighth, again the only guy he faced, and the only out he had logged had been a CS for Kurt Wall. Antonio Prieto got around the bottom of the order without accident to protect the 4-3 lead for Ed Blair, should it come to that in the ninth. It did come to that – but in a 6-3 game. Fernando Nora bled four straight 2-out base hits in the Critters’ half of the ninth, starting with a Manny Fernandez double to right and progressing through singles by Stalker, Wall, and Hall before Massey caught a Ramos fly in shallow center to strand a pair. Blair allowed a single to Robinson but also struck out two in a 20-inning, scoreless affair, and the Coons left Elk City unbeaten. 6-3 Raccoons. Salgado 2-4, BB; M. Fernandez 2-5, 2B; Stalker 2-5, 2 RBI; Hall (PH) 1-1, RBI;

Justin Fowler, to my great relief, did not come back in a box, but was walking unaided when the team arrived on Wednesday night. He did however have a groin strain that would hobble him at least for the weekend set with Atlanta. He was expected to be back at full strength early next week, but we thought he would be available to pinch-hit if needed.

The three unused starters aside, only Philip Scheffer had yet to get into a game; all relievers had been used (and some twice) in the two games in Elk City.

Raccoons (2-0) vs. Knights (0-3) – April 6-8, 2035

The Knights had been swept to begin the year, bleeding 22 runs in three games, but then again they had faced the Condors, and the Condors were potent. At least they didn’t have to worry about injuries… We had won five of nine from them last season.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (0-0) vs. Drew Johnson (0-0)
Ignacio del Rio (0-0) vs. Chris Cooper (0-0)
Gilberto Rendon (0-0) vs. Chris Inderrieden (0-0, 3.86 ERA)

Cooper would be another southpaw to contend with. The others were right-handed.

At the start of play on Friday, we were the only unbeaten team in the CL North.

Game 1
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Greene – P D. Johnson
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P Sabre

Travis Zitzner, the devil, hit an RBI single to score Roy Pincus and his 2-out double right in the first inning, which justifiably evoked boos from the crowd during this home opener. A Ramos Special got the Coons even in the bottom 1st; Berto singled, stole second, and came around on Zeltser’s single to center. Juan Muro’s weak throw home allowed Zeltser into second base, and he would score from there on Avakian’s single to put the Raccoons up 2-1. Neither team managed more than three hits through four innings before Sabre came apart in the fifth. Chris Maneke led off with a double to right, and while Drews Greene and Johnson amounted to nothing, starting with the ball the Juan Muro dropped in front of meandering Jimmy Wallace the Knights rapped off four straight 2-out singles to batter Sabre for three runs and a 4-2 deficit before Keith Thompson grounded out to the right side.

Drew Johnson’s 2-out single in the sixth moved Maneke (infield single) to second base and knocked out Sabre, who had thus gotten just as far and had been just as **** as the first two guys to take the baseball. Garavito replaced him and got his furry skull parted with an axe just the same. He walked Muro in a full count, then allowed sharp base hits to Luis Inoa and Roy Pincus to concede another three runs to bury the Raccoons five deep. A ****ty home opener would cruelly offer a last glimpse of hope when the Raccoons unfurled their own 3-run frame in the bottom 6th, piling on Thompson with four base hits, including 2-out extra-base RBI knocks by both Stalker and Wall, but when Fowler hit for the ghastly Garavito, he grounded out to end the inning.

While David Fernandez walked two and whiffed five in two scoreless innings, the bottom 8th saw Atlanta’s Brad Santry walk Avakian and allow a double to Hugo Salgado to get the inning underway. Those were the tying runs in scoring position with nobody out! Southpaw Tony Cash replaced Santry, walked Manny Fernandez, then was yanked for right-hander Terry Garrigan. The Coons batted Barrios for Stalker, which netted them a K, Wall hit a sac fly, and Nate Hall pinch-hit and flew out to Luis Inoa. Way to squander the comeback, boys… Way to squander. The tying run reached base with Berto’s leadoff single off Marcus Goode, a righty up against a lot of left-handed bats in the bottom 9th. Zeltser dropped a 2-1 pitch near the rightfield line. Pincus managed to cut the ball off, but the Coons still reached scoring position on the double; tying run at third, winning run at second for the middle of the order! Jimmy Wallace whacked a pitch … right into Goode’s glove. Avakian lined the baseball … right at Thomson. Hugo Salgado … grounded out to Thomson to end the game. 7-6 Knights. Ramos 2-4, BB; Zeltser 2-5, 2B, RBI; Stalker 1-2, BB, 3B, RBI; D. Fernandez 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 4 K;

It’s three games and it feels like thirty. The pitching is absolutely catastrophic. At least the lack of clutch hitting is the same as ever… We do like consistency.

Game 2
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P C. Cooper
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 1B Avakian – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – C Wall – CF M. Fernandez – 3B Marsingill – P del Rio

There was absolutely no offense to write home about all the way into the middle innings, which at least meant that del Rio perhaps had a chance to see his way through the sixth inning… oh well, the baseball gods put the fifth before the sixth, nastily enough, and del Rio got flogged in that. Leadoff walk to Maneke, a Sergio Ibarra single, dark clouds circling over my head, and after a bunt by Cooper, Juan Muro singled home a pair with a liner to center. Fernandez stupidly threw home, allowing Muro into second base, but not that it mattered, considering Luis Inoa’s mile-long home run blast to rightfield that put the Knights up 4-0 at once. When the Raccoons somehow loaded the bases in the bottom 5th on an infield single and two walks, the Critters had to hit for del Rio with three on and one gone. Fowler grabbed the bat again, struck out, and Ramos flew out to Muro.

Hennessy finally retired a ****ing batter in the sixth (but also nailed Paul Kuehn…), pitching the entire inning without making everything worse. That was a temporary thing though with the bullpen not accelerating the rate of scoring for the opposition. Come the eighth, we had Prieto on the mound, and he walked right-handed batters Pincus and Zitzner to begin the inning, then gave up a 3-run homer to Maneke before long. Not that it made a difference in the game. The Raccoons had not scored until then and they wouldn’t get remotely close to scoring from here on out. Chris Cooper pitched a 5-hit shutout to keep them winless at home. 7-0 Knights. Wallace 3-4; Hennessy 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

We are also allowing runs at a sixth-place team’s pace.

Game 3
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Kuehn – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P Inderrieden
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Avakian – RF M. Fernandez – CF Hall – 2B Barrios – C Scheffer – P Rendon

I had my snacks carefully prepared for this game: a bottle of Capt’n Coma, three containers of pills of unknown provenance, a half-empty bottle of bleech, and finally a bowl with random glass shards – I was ready for everything the brown-clad team would fling at me now. Maybe with the exception of Rendon hitting Muro only two pitches in… but the next three Knights made outs, so the game could still go either way. The Coons scored first instead, getting a run in the bottom 1st on a Ramos single, Wallace’s double to right, and Adam Avakian’s sac fly. Rendon took very good care of the 1-0 lead spotted to him, nailing Ibarra to begin the third inning, and that runner too was left stranded on a bunt and two groundouts. Rendon also drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 3rd (…!), but even with Zeltser coaxing another walk from Inderrieden the Raccoons couldn’t score. Berto flew out to right, Wallace hit into a fielder’s choice, and Avakian grounded out to Maneke.

Rendon stayed 1-0 ahead right up to that magical 5.2 innings mark that had already broken three starters this opening week. Roy Pincus homered on a 1-2 pitch with two outs in the sixth, and that tied the game at one. Whiffing Zitzner after that made Rendon the best starting pitcher on the roster by default. Or so we thought. Maneke doubled with two outs in the seventh, Matt Dear’s pinch-hit single put the Knights in front, and then Rendon walked Inderrieden. Funny how these things sometimes go. (pours Capt’n Coma over the glass shards in the bowl) No, Honeypaws, this ain’t for you, this is only for daddy… Mauricio Garavito replaced Rendon to face Muro, who was hit for by right-handed scrub Eric Martins, who hit Garavito’s first pitch over the fence in centerfield, and that was pretty much ballgame. The Raccoons remained mostly hit- and largely clueless and didn’t reach the previous day’s paltry output of hits only when they were down to their final out in the ninth inning. Brad Santry had nailed Barrios with one out; Scheffer flew out, and Tim Stalker singled in place of the pitcher to get them to a lofty five base hits. That brought on Goode as their closer, and Ramos grounded out on a 3-1 pitch to cap off an absolutely dismal first week. 5-1 Knights. Stalker (PH) 1-1;

In other news

April 4 – After 10 scoreless innings, the Capitals beat the Miners, 3-1, with all runs coming in the 11th inning. Veteran Alex Torres (.500, 1 HR, 3 RBI) comes up with a pinch-hit, 3-run homer off PIT MR Jorge Farinas (0-1, 16.20 ERA) for the winning runs in the top of the 11th.
April 4 – PIT OF Ozzie Burgos (.364, 0 HR, 1 RBI) will miss most or all of April with a broken rib.
April 5 – 39 hits, five lead changes, and lots of crying pitchers are the final tally in the Thunder’s 16-15 regulation win over the Bayhawks. OCT Luis Sagredo (.538, 2 HR, 9 RBI) has six RBI, and his team mate Andy Schmit (.400, 2 HR, 7 RBI) and San Fran’s Kenny Elder (.348, 1 HR, 5 RBI) both have five. The game ends on a walkoff triple by OCT INF/RF Ben Riffer (.278, 0 HR, 1 RBI).
April 6 – VAN 2B/OF Eric Morrow (.273, 0 HR, 6 RBI) drives in six runs on two base hits (including a bases-clearing triple) in the Canadiens’ 15-0 bleaching of the Aces.
April 7 – The Miners also lose 1B Danny Santillano (.250, 2 HR, 5 RBI) for at least a week with a mild groin strain.

Complaints and stuff

Dismal. Everything. Horrendous. Atrocious. I’ve seen slasher movies in my youth that were less of a farce.

With no pitching and meager offense, I wonder what happens once we play an actual team with real ambitions…

(stirs the booze-bleach-shards concoction in the bowl)

Fun Fact: The Raccoons are largely on pace to have the worst pitching staff in the league!

I didn’t need any stats for that (though stats support the claim) because the eyeball test spoke for itself. Speaking of eyeballs, I was going to drink myself blind…