Ahh, who am I kidding... who am I to think that I can simply avoid, nay, deny the centripetal force of the Strangeverse... if only for a day. Look, let’s be real friends, I’ve been a model of modern-day thanksgiving prep efficiency... the bird is in the oven, the guests are on their way, and, while my wife readies herself for the festivities, who am I to deny myself one of life’s great privileges?
2078 Season (9/15 – 9/18)
Los Angeles Kings (85-60, .586, 2nd NL West) @ San Francisco Seals (69-77, .473, 3rd NL West)
The NL West houses 4 teams with less than 70 wins. To put that into perspective, that’s twice as many as any other division in the Majors. Ours is a quality problem that extends from the field of play into the front office – the NL West is filled with charlatans… executives, talent evaluators, and owners who, despite their specialization in the sale of wolf tickets, really have no business earning a living in professional baseball. These guys & gals can’t even tank right. Let’s take the Seals for instance – here you have a roster that is built purposely wonky where anything beyond a cursory evaluation would reveal a club that has a very tenuous grip on what having real, major league worthy, talent looks like. Sure, they’ve busied themselves, somewhat, with the task of bolstering their development system and that effort has not gone on in vain – they have amassed enough raw talent in their minor league system to earn the #8 ranking, but, and this is important, they’ve done nothing to suggest that they know how to develop that talent, or even more importantly, hold on to it. They have a history, a recent one at least, of being on the losing end of trades, and, over the last 4 seasons, as a result of their player exchange buffoonery, have barely even sniffed .500 baseball. With that being said, however, playing the Seals is no walk in the park, especially in San Francisco where they are, surprisingly, pretty good. But, if it is true that timing is everything then we look to be set up for success over the next 4 games, and, as the winner of 7 straight are visiting a club that has gone 4-10 so far in September, I expect our sublime run of tip-top play to continue.
146 of 162: Newton Weiser (17-9, 3.69) @ Landon Sampson (14-7, 2.45)
Win, 5-0. Newton, in full command of his entire arsenal, gave us another complete game shutout and managed to strike 7 seals out for their failure to satisfactorily juggle for their adoring fans. Ethan scored twice and swiped two bags, we got doubles from Gay and Dom and did all of our damage late after San Francisco’s skipper removed Landon Sampson from the contest after 6 innings. Mario Marshburn, who got the start at SS today, played at that spot and 2B for a spell before injuring himself while running the base path – it didn’t appear to be too terribly serious, but you never know with these things, and the diagnosis, as always, is pending.
Notes: Mario will be out for a couple of weeks with knee tendinitis. He’s 26-years old. That’s too young to have dodgy knees. Also, we’ve secured our spot in the playoffs and still have a chance to wrestle the division out of Phoenix’s grasp.
147 of 162: Jonny Garcia (10-8, 3.08) @ Adam White (12-14, 4.44)
Loss, 6-1. So, let me get this straight – we win 8 in a row, earn a bid in the 2078 playoffs, and, to celebrate, take our foot off of the gas in the very next game as if to breathe a sigh of relief, as if to say, “we’ve fooled you, we’ve fooled you all”. Jonny didn’t have it, whatever ‘it’ is… what he had was a lack of control, arguments over pitch selection with Dom, and a hanging curveball that led to a Seals home run in the bottom of the 1st. And, outside of Ethan hitting his 27th two-bagger (he also got caught with his hand in the honey pot and was chased off the field holding his pants in one hand and his shoes in the other) and a Joseph Zody homer, we had enough miscues to fill a lowlight reel. We’ll chalk this one up to celebrating too hard after receiving the news that we earned a playoff bid and will look for our trainers to get some fluid into our boys intravenously prior to our next game.
Elsewhere: Big Burt McEllheny secured his 23rd win of the season for the Vancouver Giants in a 3-2 win over the Golden State Warriors. Burt went 7.1 innings, gave up 6 hits and 2 earned runs, handed out a free pass to Livan Frias, and struck out 7. He now sits tied for 7th place on the single-season record book with 6 other pitchers, including, notably, Josiah Weber, who accomplished the feat during the 2070 season as a Pittsburgh Steeler. Barring any unforeseen shenanigans from Vancouver’s skipper, Burt should get his next crack at immortality on the 22nd at home against the Portland Timbers. In other news, the Phoenix Suns beat the Minnesota North Stars by a score of 21-3 today, and, in addition to padding their 2078 rDiff (now at a disgusting +159) have moved one step closer to securing the NL West title. Meanwhile, in the
CITY OF COMPTON, the Raiders, after a spectacularly poor performance from Orlando Vasquez, lost their 2078 IL Playoffs Play-In game against the Gwinnett Stripers by a score of 7-1.
148 of 162: Aiden Jensen (13-11, 3.84) @ Jan Hernandez (10-16, 4.11)
Loss, 5-4. Aiden was okay – when he left the game after the 8th we were locked in a taut, tight 4-4 contest with an opportunity to win. But, as is too often the case, Barbaccia, who can blow a good opportunity as well as anyone, gave up the ghost and, in the process, added his 2nd loss of the 2078 season to his permanent record. On a run-scoring single. Hit by a guy named Turner Williams, who shouldn’t even have a spot on a Major League roster. OH HONG, Daniels, and Bigham each K’d twice, Nolan hit into a double play, and we left 8 runners stranded as a team. It’s not that the wheels have come off, it’s that we’re driving our Shelby GT like it’s a lowered Dodge Neon with aftermarket ground FX and a Glasspack Muffler.
Elsewhere: Since blasting his 51st homer out of the park against the Philadelphia 76ers, Tom Franzone has played 5 straight games without a dinger. This is his second-longest stretch without a HR in 2078, with his longest coming in August and lasting for 9 straight games. He’s still trending to rewrite history, but, now with a predicted finish of 56 HRs is at least not expected to crack 60 jacks anymore.
149 of 162: Michael Brisk (8-7, 3.56) @ Gareth Bertrand (9-14, 5.11)
Win, 1-0. Brisky, after drinking from the fountain of youth (or maybe he’s just got himself a bottle of that really, really good tequila), has looked like the stud we signed to a hefty, if unfortunate, contract – here, your boy, the most eligible of eligible bachelors, gave us a complete game, 4-hit shutout to secure the split in San Francisco… with the complete game part of that being the most critical piece of information because, as has been well documented, if you keep Barbaccia out of the game he can’t ruin things for you. Zody brought Steffan in for our only run on a SAC FLY… so, yeah, we played some really fan-friendly & compelling baseball in the Bay Area tonight. You’re welcome.
Elsewhere: Make that 7 homer free games in a row for Mr. Franzone… the OOTP Gods shine down upon thee to keep your record books safe from harm… Jo Jo Jackson, of the Dallas Cowboys, went 2 for 3 with 2 HRs and 5 RBIs in an 8-5 win over the Seattle Sounders – Jo Jo has now hit 34 bombs in 2078 and is tied for 2nd in the league in that category while leading in K’s by an insurmountable 50 fans… that’s something special, folks… a double-outlier, like a double rainbow, is, truly, a sight to behold – also notable, and I probably should have led with this, he won the player of the week award in the AL while Tony Voorhis, the one that we dumped by text message but can’t stop thinking about, also took home that same honor in the National League. He’s put together a pretty nice campaign this season - .315/34/119… so yeah, he’s been working out, is looking good, and has put himself back out there – which, if my calculations are correct, just means that we are one or two drunk texts away from winning him back…
2078 Season (9/19 – 9/21)
Los Angeles Kings (87-62, .584, 2nd NL West) @ Houston Dynamo (71-79, .473, 3rd NL West)
We’ll continue our limp to the finish in Houston – the location of our last road games of the season – and will look to stay healthy, pick up a win or two, and finish this thing off in semi-spectacular fashion. And, if we’re lucky, Houston skipper, Cooper Schoenrock, will do us a solid and put Rudolf the Ruiner on the mound in a couple of these games, late, and in high leverage situations where, as you well know, he habitually faulters. For our part, none of the guys really want to play these ones out – they want to shut it down, heal up, and ready themselves for a playoff series against the Phoenix Suns, who, coincidentally, we will welcome to LA for a 3-game set after navigating this stretch in H-Town. Of note… our Skipper, Ryan Rudnick, at the prodding of our illustrious marketing department, is giving Rad Taylor the start tonight against his half-brother Pete Taylor… Rad, born 270 days after Pete, and, approximately 309 miles away is, it seems, the product of a tale as old as time – a traveling salesman and part-time beat poet, on the road for long stretches of time gets lonely and takes on a mistress… look, the math is easy here, so I will leave the rest up to your imagination. Let’s just say, we expect some fireworks in game one – there’s an unhealthy bit of bad blood between these two.
150 of 162: Rad Taylor (0-0, 0.00) @ Pete Taylor (12-14, 4.57)
Win, 3-1. Rad, trotted out to the mound by our overzealous marketing department’s unquenchable thirst for a salacious headline, acquitted himself, and his mom, quite nicely in this one – 7 innings of 5-hit baseball from our Spicoli reincarnate with just one earned run and 3 K’s – let’s not worry about those 5 free passes he handed out tonight, it runs in the family… Barbaccia picked up his 44th Save, Rudolf the Ruiner took the loss for Houston, and in the process helped Pete Taylor save some face… Dontrell Gay earned a 4-game suspension when he led our loose collection of ruffians into a donnybrook when Rudolf put one in on his hands in the top of the 7th after he hit a solo HR against Pete Taylor in the 4th and made a show of it as he ran the bases. I got to hand it to them, this one was fun and, despite the deep-seated familial pain we uprooted here, they were right – we’ll be on the cover of every sports page tomorrow.
151 of 162: Riley Valentine (1-0, 2.59) @ Abe Meinecke (15-13, 4.37)
Win, 4-3. Riley lasted 6 innings, gave up a couple, Barbaccia was sharp in picking up his 5th win, and Rajkumar made some noise in a 2 for 5, 2-double, 2 RBI performance that propelled up to the extra-inning win. Also, Nolan Steffan, the guy that Megan traded for much to my chagrin, picked up his 3000th career hit in this one… quite an accomplishment. Our Skipper played 19 position players in this one – if you were in the dugout for this game and didn’t hear your name called then my recommendation would be to take a good, long look in the mirror and reevaluate your life choices… stat.
152 of 162: Newton Weiser (18-9, 3.54) @ Mark Borello (5-6, 5.65)
Win, 4-3. More late-game heroics from Rajkumar in a 4 for 5 performance that saw him hit 2 two-baggers, and score twice… Mullens hit his 19th jack, Newton gave up 3 runs over 7.1 innings of work, Barbaccia stayed sharp in his 45th save, and we got SAC FLY’s from Nolan “Mr. 3000” Steffan and OH HONG. And with that, we’ve secured another sweep on our last road trip of the 2078 campaign – ours is a blessed existence where everything is glitter, and rainbows, and unrequited love… until the day after tomorrow at least. Everything could come right back off the rails when Phoenix comes to town.
Elsewhere: With Tom Franzone in the midst of a 9-game HR free streak in Pittsburgh, we turn our attention now to Big Burt and his quest for pitching immortality… and, well, it was fun while it lasted as McElheny took the loss against the Portland Timbers largely due to the efforts of failed night club owner, former LA Laker, and one of my all-time favorites,
PEPPER GRANT, who finished the game at 1 for 4 with a 2-run homer off of Burt and 2 runs. Given that the all-time record of 26 wins is in no danger of being eclipsed, we can now hope that Big Burt can manage to pass up Josiah Weber’s 24-win season in his two remaining starts.
Okay, for real this time... enjoy the time with your family and friends, folks!