Philadelphia 76ers (58-75, .436, 5th NL East) @ Los Angeles Kings (74-57, 2nd NL West)
Sometimes, after a long and largely unsuccessful road trip, it’s good to head home – back amongst the things you’ve collected over the years in the only place that you can truly call your own. To step out of that ill-fitting suit that is the standard issued attire of a travelling salesman who, instead of opening his trench coat to reveal a loose collection of bootleg Rolex watches, peddles a child’s game as something of extreme civic importance in an attempt to trick the public into buying cheaply made hotdogs and overpriced beer. That we are scheduled to face the Philadelphia 76ers upon our return, a club whose compass was demagnetized sometime in 2077 and continues to confuse their front office by pointing in whatever direction it chooses as long as it’s not true north, is of no real consolation – they have the talent to embarrass anyone even if they aren’t stocked with enough of it to do that on a regular basis, and, we, given our poor form are perfectly suited to play the sucker in the long con of a baseball season. Palmer Parker, P-Squared, whose recent hip hop album was met with the opposite of rave reviews (derision, distaste, etc), has acquitted himself nicely on the field of play (and, has also had the presence of mind to dump his previous management team in an attempt to rebuild his public persona) and is hitting .354-17-73 so far in 2078, which, should be good for a few Boyce Rigg votes. It goes downhill fast from there, however, as their pitching staff has adopted the habit of serving up more meatballs than an Italian deli to opposing offenses. It’s been said that all cheesesteaks are not created equal and, when you compare this club to the one they fielded during the Tricentennial campaign, one can easily discern the difference of authenticity and some haphazardly constructed sandwich that is heavy on the Velveeta and light on the brotherly love.
132 of 162: Leonard Baker (0-2, 6.20) @ Jonny Garcia (7-8, 3.57)
Win, 8-2. Jonny delivered a 2-run, complete game and helped ensure that our bullpen got some much-needed rest after Phoenix put them through their paces, and Dick McTaggart went 2 for 4 with a HR, 2 RBIs, and a run. Palmer Parker was a non-factor (0 for 4), Ethan hit his 13th bomb, Rajkumar put his 36th double on the board, and Dom ran his RBI total up to 44 after driving 3 runs in. Our return to the friendly confines of the Los Angeles Municipal Stadium was a success – two wins in a row under the balmy 77-degrees and 9 MPH ocean breeze.
Elsewhere: Tom Franzone, the Strangeverse’s record books worst enemy, hit HRs # 47 & 48 in Pittsburgh’s 4-2 win over the St. Louis Rams. He’s now ranked 4th all-time on the single-season HR table and is only 4 jacks away from claiming the top spot… with a bit over 1-month left in the season. When he is done, and his playing days are behind him, I expect that the citizenry of Pittsburgh will demand that the team construct a Rocky-Esque statue in his honor and prominently display it at the entrance to their ballpark… Hee-Seong Lee, of the San Jose Sharks (an Oakland Warriors affiliate), pitched 10.1 innings and allowed the only run that mattered in a 1-0 loss at the hands of the Nashville Picks – Pitching Coach, Jeff Mouton, who should probably get fired, is said to have fallen asleep during the game. I’m going to have to keep my eyes on Lee – he’s got the look of a soon-to-be Mississippi Hound Dog if I ever manage to get my Bush League club stood up…
133 of 162: PJ Street (6-7, 3.32) @ Aiden Jensen (11-10, 3.79)
Win, 7-3. Mullens ran things for us in this one – 2 for 4, 2 jacks, 4 RBI, 3 runs, and a walk – and Aiden Jensen kept the bullpen on ice for the entirety of his CG, 7-hit, 3-run performance. P-Squared wasn’t completely ineffectual – he went 2 for 3 with a run – but it was our 2 doubles (Dom & Nolan), 2 HRs (Ethan & Ethan), yo-yo double play, and 2 outfield assists (Ethan & Rajkumar) that would rule the day. And just like that we’ve strung a 3-game winning streak together, have left all our recent transgressions in the past, and have been absolved of all our sins.
Elsewhere: The Dallas Cowboys have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and are officially the first casualty of the 2078 season.
134 of 162: Vin Uhlman (8-14, 4.88) @ Michael Brisk (7-6, 3.69)
Loss, 4-2. When he’s not busying himself by avoiding calls from the Phoenix areas best-known meteorologist, April DeMartino, Brisky spends his evenings giving up 3 runs over 7.1 innings of work and losing ball games. Norris Flaherty came out from under Palmer’s shadow and went 3 for 5 with 2 HRs (one courtesy of Brisky, the other Barbaccia), and 3 RBIs – while our team didn’t really bring much of note to the table outside of a couple of 2-baggers (Rake & Dontrell) and a stolen bag (Dick). I’m not 100% on this – but, since we rewarded your boy Brisky with a puffed-up contract, he seems to have become more aloof in the clubhouse… this sort of behavior doesn’t necessarily inspire greatness out of your peers. Also, it’d help if he threw the ball better too.
Elsewhere: The San Diego Chargers have joined the Dallas Cowboys on the island of misfit toys who just weren’t built well enough to sustain the interest of the baseball gods. They can now busy themselves with determining offseason vacation plans given that they don’t have to worry about buying a corsage for the dance.
135 of 162: Grimm McGowan (9-5, 3.18) @ Trevor Dotson (9-10, 4.51)
Loss, 2-1. Grimm dealt some grizzly blows in an 8.1 inning, 2-hit, 1-run performance, and Dotson, who was bringing his A-game as well, left after 4 innings of 1-run ball due to an undisclosed injury. Diagnosis, as always, is pending… As a team, we didn’t do much – Grimm was masterful in both control and pitch selection and managed to keep our guys off-balance all night. And, just like that, our 3-game winning streak becomes a 2-game losing streak and any good vibes we were feeling have been boxed out like they were Anthony Mason in a Knicks uniform.
Elsewhere: We’re
5 games off the pace now – so that’s cool – and Phoenix is 8-2 over their last 10 games… just laying waste to any club that comes into their path. We’ll welcome Orlando City to town next, who, if their record is to be believed should offer very little in the way of resistance. Not that it matters, we’re very, very beatable right now, so they might as well continue what Philly started.