Dr. Chung has begun to make subtle changes to the Raccoons’ diet, for example there will no longer be triple-fudge brownies in the dispenser in the clubhouse, and with dispenser I mean an industrial-size mixing bowl for bread dough with ladders leading up to the edge. Also – rigorous exercise! Turns out we had some weight lifting thing and some horrendous machine where you can walk in place … nobody knows what these things are actually called, and it looks like they’ve caught dust since the 1990s … Slappy! Slappy! Why is everything dirty and sticky in here??
Then we tried to work on Jimmy Wallace’s fielding in either corner of the outfield. During December there were several sessions of flyball shagging in order before snow would overcome us all. Wallace did his very best, and then our scout guy (Melendez? Papayez? What the **** do I know…) needed some comparison and so Maud, Chad, and Cristiano Carmona were recruited to also catch fly balls.
Turns out that while Wallace’s range is adjudged to be an 8 by our scout, he gave Cristiano, who complained that the wheels of his wheelchair kept getting stuck in ruts in the badly kempt outfield, a mere 5, and Chad got a 1 after being hit in the head by several balls shot from a pitching machine – at least the mascot head cushioned the impact. Maud turned out the winner, being rated 10, not too shabby for a no-longer-quite-middle-aged woman with an old lady skirt and shoes, bun, and mainly engaged in schmoozing up to sponsors rather than physical activity. Interesting, interesting.
Adam Braun returned to work in the middle of December, which in his case meant coming in, rummaging through everybody’s locker for edibles, and then sleep in somebody else’s favorite hammock. You knew he was here just from the way the bickering increased around the ballpark and the clubhouse in particular.
The Critters really wanted to get rid of him and his $3.28M contract (plus a worthless team option for ’34). We had picked him up in a retrospectively rather pointless transaction with the Titans exactly a year ago, leaving them with Matt Jamieson (who didn’t get much spotlight in Boston) for Braun, Justin Perkins and a truckload of cash. Perkins won a Gold Glove, the cash was gone, but Braun was still here and festering on the roster. The Critters had just added on Noel Ferrero and Billy Jennings in the outfield and since Jimmy Wallace was a given – the glove with the giant hole in it be damned – Braun really had to go. All we had to do was to find a team that was dumb enough (and had enough dosh) to take him on.
I know you thought “Loggers” at the first part, but then went “aww” on the second part.
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December 14 – Former Gold Sock Vinny Chavira (.268, 123 HR, 567 RBI) signs a 4-yr, $6.5M deal with the Stars.
December 14 – The Crusaders ink ex-RIC CL David Gerow (42-50, 4.19 ERA, 95 SV). The 31-year-old signs a 1-yr, $710k contract.
December 16 – The Tom Dunlap sweepstakes end with the 30-yr old outfielder signing with the Pacifics for 6 years and $26.52M. Dunlap is a .305 hitter with 76 homers and 387 RBI.
December 20 – The Raccoons announce the addition of 31-year-old former Crusader INF Tom Hawkins (.281, 35 HR, 319 RBI) on a 2-yr, $1M deal.
December 21 – In the second deal of the winter between the two teams, the Raccoons trade 34-yr old OF Adam Braun (.272, 115 HR, 623 RBI) and 27-yr old AAA MR Matt Stonecipher (4-3, 3.94 ERA) to the Canadiens for 30-yr old LF/RF Ivan Vega (.286, 34 HR, 279 RBI).
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Without a doubt, Braun will take out on us for the rest of his career, if not life. Good thing is, time’s in our favor, and he’ll be 35 in May. You know, unless he catches frostbite in the barren wastelands of Elkland and keels over.
There is zero intention to have Ivan Vega ever appear in a Raccoons uniform. He might be even worse on D than Wallace, and we can’t put up with two of the lot… He makes $890k this season; if nothing else he’ll get the door treatment, and at that point we still will have saved about $2.4M on the deal.
Stupid Elks!
Of course Hawkins is mostly remembered as a member of the Bayhawks, but has since tingled through most of the CL’s basement, but no tour of duty there would be complete without a trip to the ****ty Critters. Hawkins is a league-average hitter that is mostly here to replace one between Marsingill and Cass – and for team leadership. He’s a hard-nosed no-nonsense guy that knows how to be listened to.
Other Critters finding a safe hole in a tree: Lance Legleiter signed for $1.68M with the Indians; Jarod Howden, the dumb pig, got a 2-yr, $554k deal with the Pacifics;