[Westheim]

Alright, something has gone terribly wrong here… From time to time I like a shot of coffee in my booze, but this concoction tastes just terrible. It’s not the Capt’n Coma, that one is totally fine, and it’s also not the splash of wheel rim cleanse or half the Tide pod drifting in the mug. All of those taste like usual. Something’s up with the coffee, and for once I don’t even mean Travis Coffee! – Maud! – Maud! – The coffee taste like stale butt! – What do you mean Steve from Accounting has slashed the budget for refreshments and we can only afford the basic ground coffee anymore??

Things are terrible!! – “Terrible” is also one of those words that loses all meaning after you cry it twenty times every day.

By the second day of the offseason Maud informed me that we had already sold over 200 season tickets for 2033, which caused me even more frustration. Now we had to pay for ushers, too! Great!

As far as issues with playing personnel were concerned, the Raccoons quickly signed 1-year extensions with Justin Perkins ($350k) and Travis Zitzner ($450k) for 2033.

All other players were non-tendered and let go without offering arbitration (except for Giovanni James because of draft pick compensation); this included the dumb pig, Jarod Howden, who was offered a $300k contract for 2033, refused the offer, then was offered $310k and refused that too with the addendum that if we didn’t want to make a proper bid we should not make any bid and he’d seek his luck with the arbitrator. But if the Raccoons are good at one thing, then it’s knowing their way around garbage, and Jarod Howden had played like it for sure for the last two years – the following day we notified the arbitrator that Howden would be non-tendered, adding him to the free agency pool by the time mid-November will arrive.

This followed shopping Howden three times between the World Series and him and the team falling out, with no interest from any team. So if we had resigned him we would have been stuck with him and after one year I was already plenty tired of the platoon at first base. Zitzner had thus won the job by virtue of Howden being obstinate… and a DUMB PIG.

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October 21 – The Rebels trade INF Elijah Williams (.272, 3 HR, 142 RBI) to the Cyclones for 3B/RF/2B Steve Sierra (.249, 5 HR, 64 RBI) and #95 prospect INF/RF Josh Troxel.

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The Raccoons also welcome a new team trainer, who emerged as the most convincing candidate from a final round of three applicants for the job, beating out a 42-year-old insanely smart guy with nimble fingers and degrees in medicine from three Ivy League schools as well as a professional witch of undetermined age with a shiny pendulum.

Although he has never worked with a professional baseball team before, he has 20 years of experience as a medical professional as certified by former employers, without exception state agencies. He fluently speaks English, Spanish, German, Russian, Chinese, and Korean, and has a reputation of possessing great people skills. Please let’s hand a warm welcome to new Raccoons head trainer Dr. Hyung-gook Chung!

Wait a minute… (looks from Slappy on the brown couch to Chad in the full costume to Cristiano in his wheelchair to Honeypaws on a fluffy silk pillow) … why are all these state agencies listed with addresses in Pyongyang, PRK??

Okay, who ****ed this one up!?

(Chad starts to show off his dance moves)

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2032 ABL AWARDS

Players of the Year: PIT 1B Danny Santillano (.347, 30 HR, 87 RBI) and TIJ 3B Shane Sanks (.297, 37 HR, 115 RBI)
Pitchers of the Year: SAL SP Phil Harrington (16-7, 2.14 ERA) and TIJ Jeff Little (14-4, 1.93 ERA)
Rookies of the Year: CIN OF/1B Dick Oshiita (.315, 20 HR, 72 RBI) and CHA C Ernesto Huichapa (.256, 19 HR, 68 RBI)
Relievers of the Year: LAP CL Chun-yeong Chah (10-6, 2.64 ERA, 48 SV) and TIJ CL Ray Andrews (9-2, 2.23 ERA, 47 SV)
Platinum Sticks (FL): P LAP Dave Christiansen – C LAP J.J. Henley – 1B PIT Danny Santillano – 2B PIT Jim McKenzie – 3B NAS Jim Allen – SS SAL Jose Castro – LF SAL Kyle Weinstein – CF LAP Justin Fowler – RF CIN Dick Oshiita
Platinum Sticks (CL): P VAN Joe Martin – C TIJ Danny Zarate – 1B OCT Danny Cruz – 2B IND Dan Schneller – 3B TIJ Shane Sanks – SS BOS Keith Spataro – LF BOS Willie Vega – CF NYC Tony Coca – RF IND Mike Plunkett
Gold Gloves (FL): P CIN Geoff Whitehouse – C SAL Taylor Canody – 1B TOP Matt Barber – 2B NAS Billy Bouldin – 3B NAS Jim Allen – SS SAL Jose Castro – LF RIC Kevin Clark – CF SFW Pedro Cisneros – RF LAP Oscar Mendoza
Gold Gloves (CL): P VAN Victor Govea – C OCT Mike Burgess – 1B ATL Kevin Harenberg – 2B POR Tim Stalker – 3B POR Justin Perkins – SS VAN T.J. Bennett – LF BOS Willie Vega – CF MIL Gabe Creech – RF MIL Josh Stephenson

For Tim Stalker this is his sixth Gold Glove, three at short and three at second base. He will turn 35 in July, so there’s that, and I would juts love to see him actually put up an offensive season of any sort once again… Perkins won his first Glove in his age 31 season, which is not surprising given that he was never a starter with the Titans. He came to Portland, posted a mediocre offensive season, and still somehow was one of the “best” players on the team.

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Note that the FL Rookie of the Year is only written with one I actually, but the forum censorship bots will not allow me to post the name unless written with two. Please spell [oh-sheeda] regardless of presentation.

And now excuse me, I have to go barfing for the CL MVP …