[Westheim]

Raccoons (61-88) vs. Condors (98-51) – September 20-22, 2032

For wicked reasons only known to a handful of the most sadistic of baseball gods, the Coons were 4-2 on the stomping Condors this season. On the other hand that meant that should we manage to get swept, we’d come up 4-5 against them for the fifth straight season, and wouldn’t that be some deflation after needing only one W for the most meaningless of season series triumphs? They were fourth in runs scored, second in runs allowed, and would seal their division as early as Monday with a magic number of two and the Bayhawks facing the Titans at the same time.

Projected matchups:
Steve Russell (2-2, 4.50 ERA) vs. Joe Perry (10-10, 3.83 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (10-13, 4.66 ERA) vs. Ethan Jordan (14-5, 3.45 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-7, 4.42 ERA) vs. Jeff Little (13-4, 1.98 ERA)

These were actually all of their southpaws. As usual, Perry and Little had very little stamina, 57 starts, and only 332 innings between them, so they were not likely to pitch deep into games.

Game 1
TIJ: C Zarate – SS C. Miller – 1B McGrath – 3B Sanks – LF W. Ojeda – CF C. Murphy – RF Camps – 2B Hughes – P Perry
POR: SS Ramos – CF Pinkerton – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – LF Wallace – RF Rodriguez – C Ross – P Russell

Portland scratched out an unearned run in the opening inning when Ramos reached on a Chris Miller error, advanced on two groundouts, and scored on a Perkins single past the disgusting, revolting skunk weasel Shane Sanks, who then turned around and hit a leadoff single in the second, but was stranded on a groundout and Russell ringing up the next two, Chris Murphy and Juan Camps. And that was it for goody goodness; Andy Hughes drew a leadoff walk in the third, Perry slapped a single rather than bunting, and Danny Zarate walked to load them up with zero outs. Chris Miller singled in a pair, so did the cursed Sanks, Willie Ojeda reached on an infield single, and Juan Camps hit a 2-out RBI single. That was the end for Russell, the useless sucker, who was yanked for Nick Derks. Hughes lined out to third base, ending a 5-run rush by the Condors that the Raccoons were not expected to recover from… but they did stock all the bases with one out in the bottom 5th on two singles (Pinkerton, Perkins) and a walk to Travis Zitzner. Jimmy Wallace hit a fly to deep center that was spoiled by Chris Murphy for a sac fly, but Rodriguez and Ross slapped 2-out singles to get a run in and reload the bags, respectively against a crowded Perry, who then faced Nate Hall pinch-hitting for Gurney (two outs without nasty incident in the top 5th!) with an increasingly narrowing 5-3 lead. Perry couldn’t find the zone, walked Hall to force home a run, and then Ramos spilled a grounder between everybody on the infield, and nobody made a play – the bases-loaded infield single plated Wilson Rodriguez and tied the score at five. It also knocked out Perry in favor of right-hander Robby Ciampa. We had Jarod Howden hit for Pinkerton, resulting in a first-pitch groundout to short and the end of the inning.

The tie was broken in the sixth, but not with Victor Anaya on the mound; the Coons righty retired the bottom of the order 1-2-3, including Ciampa, who was not hit for and continued pitching in the bottom 6th, serving up a leadoff jack to Tim Stalker to put the Critters on top, 6-5. Anaya also handled the seventh flawlessly, with Hennessy tacking on a 1-2-3 eighth as the Condors looked very, very beatable. The season series was right on the table! It would be Chris Wise against the bottom of the order, but of course the Condors still had a plethora of pinch-hitters available, with left-handed Ken Hess hitting for Camps to begin the ninth. He grounded out to short at 1-2. Hughes flew out to Nate Hall in center. Bobby Fernandez pinch-hit in the #9 hole, a left-handed late-season call-up with no career homers, which was crying out for trouble. Wise walked him, the first Condors runner in a while, but then prevailed against Danny Zarate, ending the game with a K. 6-5 Raccoons! Stalker 2-5, HR, 2B, RBI; Perkins 3-5, RBI; Wallace 2-3, RBI; Ross 2-4; Hall (PH) 0-1, BB, RBI; Anaya 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K, W (6-4);

That was the 30th save for Wise this season, but also the sixth win for Anaya, tying the relief man with Gurney for second on the team, and wasn’t that sad? The untouchable leader remained del Rio with 10 wins after starting the year in AAA, and he was up next.

Ed Hooge also rejoined the team off the DL, but wasn’t in the lineup against the southpaw.

Game 2
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – 1B McGrath – 3B Sanks – RF W. Ojeda – C Zarate – LF Sung – 2B Hughes – P E. Jordan
POR: SS Ramos – CF Pinkerton – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – LF Wallace – RF Rodriguez – C Thompson – P del Rio

The ****ing skunk weasel hit a 2-run homer off del Rio in the top 1st, giving him 34 dingers and 107 RBI on the season. Not that this was anywhere near the end of massive, wholesome contact where the Condors were concerned; Danny Zarate led off the second with a double to left, Yeong-ha Sung homered to right, 4-0, and Hughes again lined a double to left. Somehow that run stuck on base, but the prognosis on del Rio again wasn’t great. He plainly sucked. His day ended the next inning. Sanks hit a solo job, a 430-footer that got me looking for some flavor to put in the booze, and anything would do, up to and including the stuff Maud polished our trophies with. Zarate whacked a 2-out double to knock out del Rio, with Pinkerton hauling in Sung’s deep fly off Juan Barzaga to end the inning.

The next two frames saw Bryan Rabbitt having his intestines picked out for five hits and somehow only one run. The five hits put the Condors at a dozen through five frames, while the Coons had zero entering the bottom 5th, which also yielded nothing, and the bottom 6th, where Justin Marsingill flung a 1-out single past replacement shortstop Danny Lytle (Miller had left with forearm stiffness) to break up the no-hitter. Pinkerton tripled him in with two outs, scored on a Stalker single, and then Perkins ripped a homer to left, taking sole possession of the team lead with a mighty 13 dingers and narrowing the gap to 6-4 in a sudden meltdown by Ethan Jordan. Willie Ojeda robbed Zitzner in the gap to end the inning. The Condors came back with a run against the superfluous Jonathan Fleischer, who walked the skunk weasel to get going and also allowed a double to Zarate, then a pinch-hit single by Ken Hess off Garavito before Hughes hit into a 5-4-3 double play to keep the score at 7-4. Nick Bates was finally exploded for three runs in the ninth inning. He walked as many and sandwiched a Kevin McGrath single in between… 10-4 Condors. Marsingill (PH) 1-2;

Ah, there it was. The on-field celebration for a division title.

By the Condors of course, just in case you had not paid much attention the last six gruesome months.

Justin Perkins sat out the final game of the set with general soreness. He had participated in all but four games so far, starting 141 times.

Game 3
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – LF Sung – 1B McGrath – 3B Sanks – RF W. Ojeda – C Zarate – SS Lytle – 2B J. Solis – P Little
POR: SS Ramos – LF Hall – 2B Stalker – 1B Zitzner – CF Hooge – RF Rodriguez – 3B Marsingill – C James – P Chavez

McGrath hit a solo shot for #22 in the first, and the Coons put them on the corners and left them there in their half of the inning, courtesy of Ed Hooge hacking himself out. Top 2nd, Chavez started off by nailing Zarate with a 1-2 pitch before walking Lytle and allowing a single to Jesus Solis. Three on, no outs, and another meltdown was in progress until he out of the blue struck out the opposing hurler and Chris Murphy, and Sung grounded out to Stalker. Not that the trouble ended there – McGrath and Sanks slapped singles to begin the third, but again were stranded on three groundouts. Bottom 3rd, leadoff single by Bernie! Ramos singled, Hall whiffed, and Stalker got nailed, giving Zitzner three runners to play with and one out. He popped out ****tily, and Hooge got rung up again to increase his LOB tally in this game to a strong five.

Five was also the limit for Chavez, and it was a ****ty five despite the superficially decent two runs he allowed, the latter on three 2-out singles in the fifth. He allowed seven hits, three walks, and nailed a pair – hardly Opening Day material. Pinkerton hit for him and singled in the bottom 5th, then was forced out by Ramos, who stole second and was brought around by Hall with a single to center, keeping the Condors one run away. Stalker struck out, Zitzner singled, and Hooge slapped away at the first pitch and came up with a game-tying RBI single...! Well, better lucky than nothing if you can’t be good…! Rodriguez’ foul pop ended the inning and left Chavez with a no-decision. From there, the pens doled it out for a few innings with little offensive results until Hooge hit a gapper for a 1-out triple in the bottom 8th against Jose Ornelas. Rodriguez popped out, but Marsingill lined into center and Murphy couldn’t reach it. That ball became the go-ahead RBI single. Giovanni James added a 2-out single and Jimmy Wallace hit for Hennessy, but struck out. It was back to Wise, then, with Juan Camps retired on a grounder to begin the ninth, and the same for Chris Murphy. PH Ken Hess was rung up. 3-2 Coons! Hooge 2-4, 3B, RBI; James 2-4;

…and now it’s also six wins for Hennessy. We’re gonna have a whole crowd there by the end of the year, I can feel it!

Ramos also got that 42nd bag, but by now Guillermo Obando had already moved on to 43, and his ramshackle Crusaders crew was our next opposition on a weekend trip to New York, New York.

Raccoons (63-89) @ Crusaders (74-79) – September 24-26, 2032

Long defeated, the Crusaders were only playing out the string and maybe vying for third place in the North. They had the fourth-fewest runs scored and the fifth-fewest runs allowed in the Continental League, with their rotation however third-best in ERA. They also led the season series, 8-7.

Projected matchups:
Darren Brown (0-0) vs. Jesse Wright (13-5, 3.06 ERA)
Dave Martinez (2-2, 3.15 ERA) vs. Philip Rogers (3-4, 4.96 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (10-14, 4.84 ERA) vs. Eddie Cannon (14-12, 3.27 ERA)

These would be three right-handers, but Cannon and southpaw Ramiro Benavides (9-14, 4.37 ERA) had both been involved in a double header on Tuesday, so things could swing out either way on Sunday.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 3B Perkins – CF Hooge – LF Hall – C Thompson – P Brown
NYC: RF Malo – 1B Elder – 2B M. Hurtado – CF Coca – SS Obando – C Dear – LF Cambra – 3B Ryder – P Wright

After the initial setback of Caleb Malo’s infield single, Brown had a clean first inning with two strikeouts against Jay Elder and Tony Coca, two of the CL North’s Elder statesmen, though frustration set in fast in the second with Matt Dear’s single and Firmino Cambra’s homer. Come the third, a Perkins error, a Coca single, and a walk to Guillermo Obando loaded the bases with one down, and Brown just kept disintegrating with a full-count walk to Dear. Cambra hit an RBI single, 4-0, with Zachary Ryder lining out and Wright popping out to end the inning. But my favorite inning turned out to be the fourth, which was also Brown’s last. He nailed both Elder and Mario Hurtado, somehow got Coca to whiff, then hung one for Obando that got belched over the fence, 7-0, on Obando’s first homer of the season. Unsurprisingly, that was the end of Darren Brown’s ****ty, horrendous, ****ed up, no good major league debut.

Not that the rest of the crew was ANY better. Barzaga replaced Brown and give up another bomb to Matt Dear, 8-0, and the Coons’ offense was on one hit at that point… That wasn’t going to get better, while the bottom 5th saw Barzaga give up two hits and two walks for one out before being replaced by Nick Bates, who walked in a run against Coca, allowed an RBI single to Obando, then had Dear slap another 2-run single into right-center. At that point it was 13-0 and I had no will to live, but two pesky ushers kept pulling me off the railing in the upper deck. Steve Russell was tossed into the shark pool and got out of the inning. And things just kept getting better…: Elliott Thompson led off the sixth with a single to center, but considered himself quick enough for two bases. Tony Coca disagreed, and Thompson was out by a country mile, the little idiot… Berto hit a 2-out single, but became the second Critter in the inning to make an out on the bases, being caught stealing by Dear. Fleischer was slapped for a run in the sixth, and another one in the seventh, both with two outs, and when Wright shoveled the bags full in the eighth with nobody out, Elliott Thompson DID get a run in, but OF COURSE by hitting into a double play. Stalker hit a 1-out triple in the ninth, but Wallace hit a comebacker to ex-Coon Billy Brotman and Howden, hitting for Zitzner, struck out, the dumb pig. 15-1 Crusaders. Stalker 2-4, 3B;

Preston Pinkerton pitched a scoreless eighth, automatically earning team MVP honors.

What do you mean, Mena, they don’t sell Capt’n Coma in New York state? Do I need to cross into Jersey, or is that the entire Puritan Northeast??

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – CF Hooge – 1B Howden – LF Hall – C Thompson – P Martinez
NYC: RF Malo – 1B Elder – 2B M. Hurtado – CF Coca – SS Obando – C Dear – LF Reardon – 3B Ryder – P Rogers

Surrounded by idiots – that’s how I felt. Stalker was hit in the top 1st and caught stealing, while the bottom 1st saw Elder and Hurtado hit singles, with a stupid throw by Jimmy Wallace allowing both into scoring position. Martinez threw a wild pitch, walked Obando with two outs, and Obando briskly stole second, with Elliott Thompson never getting a throw off, and increasing Ramos’ gap to the stolen base title to two. That was the only run in the inning, although Martinez also walked Dear, but I was already as mad as I had been after 15 runs on Friday night. Martinez fittingly exploded for a 3-spot started by Rogers’ single in the bottom 2nd, with the 1-2-3 batters in the order hitting for a triple, double, and single, all with an RBI, to sink the Raccoons early on once more.

Martinez would barely last five innings on 118 pitches (not like we cared about him…), and charged with five runs, four earned. The Coons had actually scored, too, one run each in the fourth and fifth, both involving fluke occurrences, a Jimmy Wallace triple and an Elliott Thompson jack, respectively. Two runs then fell out of Bryan Rabbitt in the bottom 6th, courtesy of Malo’s leadoff dinger and a flurry of singles after that. Thompson returned to the plate for a second thumper off Rogers in the seventh – what a shame it was all in vain. Same for Nick Derks’ 2-inning, 4-strikeout appearance. …and then the Critters did get the tying run to the plate in the ninth, and right out of the blue. Perkins socked a homer off Brotman to get to 7-4, and Casey Moore upon replacing him fanned Hooge but walked Howden and Hall. Thompson batted for himself, because how can you lift a guy with two dingers on the night? Moore lost him in a full count, bringing up Zitzner as pinch-hitter with three on and one gone. He struck out, and Ramos flew out to Coca. 7-4 Crusaders. Wallace 2-4, 3B; Howden 1-2, 2 BB; Thompson 2-2, 2 BB, 2 HR, 2 RBI; Derks 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K;

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – CF Hall – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – LF Wallace – RF Rodriguez – 2B Marsingill – C Ross – P del Rio
NYC: RF Malo – 1B Elder – 2B M. Hurtado – CF Coca – SS Obando – C Dear – LF J. Lopez – 3B Ryder – P Benavides

Berto opened the game with a triple and almost got stranded for two grounders to third base and a comebacker that Benavides fumbled into an “infield single” and an RBI for Travis Zitzner. That was also the end of the Coons’ offensive ambitions apparently, because they pretty much didn’t do anything after that for an hour or two or six. The best thing that could be said about del Rio was that he didn’t turn into jello at first sight and got through three innings on two hits and without blowing the lead, but the Crusaders got to him eventually. Hurtado hit a soft leadoff single to left, a ball that might have been caught by an actual defender, was doubled in by Tony Coca with his 105th RBI to tie the game, and then Dear hit a ground-rule double over the leftfield fence to put New York ahead again, 2-1.

When Obando grounded out to Ramos to begin the sixth inning, del Rio became the first and only Critters starter to get any out at all in the sixth inning this week. He actually made it all the way through SEVEN – otherwise this team’s answer of how many losses they could fit in a week – but that still didn’t make him a winner, for the offense specialized in that awful trick where they’d get a single per inning and then nothing more. Also, Ramos drew a leadoff walk and was caught stealing by the Crusaders yet again, depressingly not gaining ground on Obando. Top 8th, Wallace led off with a triple off ex-Coon Jamie O’Leary, and NOW we were talking…! That was the tying run on base, with Mike Hugh – a paper Raccoon, rule 5 pick sent back before the start of the season – walking Rodriguez, then nailing Marsingill. Three on, no outs for the Critters, who sent Hooge to bat for Toby Ross, resulting in a sharp score-flipping 2-run single to center! Carlos Marron replaced Hugh and whiffed Elliott Thompson and Ramos, but Nate Hall found a hole for an RBI single before Perkins was fanned. Obando hit a 2-out triple against Jared Stone in the bottom 8th, but Garavito rang up PH Firmino Cambra to get out of the inning. The game ended with Wise retiring the bottom of the order on a Jorge Lopez single, Zachary Ryder’s double play grounder, and then a groundout from Ryan Hurley. 4-2 Coons. Hall 3-5, RBI; Zitzner 3-5, RBI; Wallace 3-5, 3B, 2B; Ross 1-2, BB; Hooge (PH) 1-1, 2 RBI; del Rio 7.0 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, W (11-14);

In other news

September 21 – Topeka loses CL Jonathan Snyder (3-3, 2.31 ERA, 23 SV) for the season with a case of shoulder inflammation.
September 22 – The defending champions Titans’ 6-5 win over the Bayhawks sees them lock up the CL North for the 16th time and the eight time in the last 11 years.
September 23 – The Capitals trade INF/LF Jay Green (.261, 7 HR, 47 RBI) to the Falcons for OF Nate Nelson (.212, 13 HR, 60 RBI).
September 24 – The Titans hand the Loggers a 17-3 bruising, with BOS C David Lessman (.319, 7 HR, 40 RBI) chipping in four hits (including a homer) and five RBI.
September 25 – Indians and Canadiens play a whopping 15 scoreless innings before the Indians break through with a 2-spot in the top of the 16th, the runs plated by C Edgar Paiz (.236, 6 HR, 38 RBI) in his fourth attempt from the #9 spot. The Canadiens have no answer and fall 2-0 in a 16-inning, 9-hit combined shutout by five Indians pitchers.
September 25 – DAL OF Sergio Riquenes (.267, 3 HR, 56 RBI) has four singles and five RBI in an 11-3 knockoff of the Gold Sox.

Complaints and stuff

…and here is everybody’s highlight, the Coons’ starting pitcher rankings for this week!

Del Rio – 7.0 IP – 2 R – 2 ER – W
Chavez – 5.0 IP – 2 R – 2 ER
Martinez – 5.0 IP – 5 R – 4 ER – L
Brown – 3.2 IP – 7 R – 6 ER – L
Russell – 2.2 IP – 5 R – 5 ER
Del Rio – 2.2 IP – 5 R – 5 ER – L

This chart shows you as well that there is no hope that anything will be better in 2033. Yeah, we’ll have Sabre and Gutierrez back. Ha-hah! Two more pitchers that on a good day will allow four runs in six innings.

And yes, our 15-1 bloodletting on Friday was not even the worst shellacking on that day, with the Titans touching the Loggers (we’ll see both at home next week) for 17 runs on the same day.

What relief!

91 losses is the most the Coons have dropped since 2022 (71-91). You have to go back to 2005 to find a Coons team that lost more: 70-92. I doubt we’ll stop there, but the next-worst record is already out of reach, 2000’s highly offending 63-99 outfit.

Fun Fact: All the Coons’ six wins against the Condors this season were by one or two runs.

Yeah, but they count anyway!