[Westheim]

Raccoons (54-76) @ Aces (53-77) – August 30-September 1, 2032

At a combined 57 games out, these teams had nothing to hope for but mercy. Although the Aces actually ranked fifth in the South ahead of the atrocious Falcons, they had lost six straight with their combo of bah hitting and meh pitching; they ranked in the bottom four in both categories. The Raccoons, despite their own pitfalls and ineptitude, were 4-2 against them this season.

Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (6-10, 5.97 ERA) vs. Steve Carr (1-8, 3.81 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-4, 3.74 ERA) vs. Ronnie Buskirk (0-3, 9.60 ERA)
Dave Martinez (0-2, 4.50 ERA) vs. Jamie Klages (9-5, 4.23 ERA)

All of these were right-handers, with Buskirk a 26-year-old rookie and injury replacement who for a special move had walking a pair and giving up a 3-run dinger right afterwards. Carr had also started the season in AAA, and contrary to what we would always assume, his lone win had not come against the Coons. In fact, he had not faced us this season. The W had resulted from eight shutout innings against the Loggers, but then again our offense was terrible times three, so I wouldn’t put it beneath them to lose to a 1-8 pitcher, especially with Gurney going.

Game 1
POR: 2B Pinkerton – SS Stalker – RF Wallace – 1B Perkins – 1B Howden – CF Hooge – LF Hall – C Ross – P Gurney
LVA: CF Beckel – 3B Armfield – LF Montes – SS Baer – RF Crow – 1B Schlegelmilch – C R. Ortiz – 2B G. Reece – P Carr

…and I really didn’t like being right anymore; after two outs, Andy Montes hit a homer to right in a full count, to which Gurney’s reasoned reaction was to allow a single up the middle to Todd Baer, who stole second, and then strolled home on Andy Crow’s massive shot to right, 3-0. It was Crow’s ninth homer in over 700 career at-bats. While the Critters had two walks (Howden, Hooge) in the second as well as an inning-ending double play (Hall), Gurney continued to find trouble that resolved in weird ways and always seemed to involve Chad Armfield. The third baseman walked in the bottom of the third, but got picked off by Toby Ross on a 2-2 pitch to Montes. The next time Armfield was up, Danny Beckel was on first base with one out in the fifth after just having hit a single. The next hit was the batted ball into Beckel’s ankle, which rendered him out and also slightly hurt, although he continued in the game. Montes flew out easily to Nate Hall to end the fifth, still in a 3-0 score, with the Critters’ line on the scoreboard showing zeroes *all* the way across… Ross grounded out and both Gurney and Pinkerton fanned in the sixth, Stalker opened the seventh with a deep fly out to right, and then Wallace was walked. Perkins grounded out to Armfield, and Howden grounded out to Gavin Reece, who drew a 1-out walk in the bottom 7th, but was stranded on second after the pitcher’s bunt when Beckel struck out, only the second K victim for Gurney, who now generated value merely by saving the bullpen an unnecessary inning or two.

Carr’s no-hitter was broken up by Ed Hooge to begin the eighth with a deep fly to center that Beckel couldn’t get to. The ball fell for a double, and Carr was gone after just one more batter, a sharp groundout by Hall to Ted Schlegelmilch. Righty Nick Wright replaced the starter and gave up an RBI single to Toby Ross. Zitzner hit for Gurney, but flew out, but Wright then walked the bags full against Pinkerton and Stalker. Southpaw Nick Van Fossen appeared to face Jimmy Wallace, which was a sound move, especially with the Coons’ only other meaningful righty bat, Wilson Rodriguez, in a terminal slump that had lasted for most of the summer now. Wallace remained in the game with three on and two outs… and popped out on the first pitch. Those three left on base were the final runners of the game. 3-1 Aces.

(makes an especially bitter face)

Game 2
POR: 2B Pinkerton – SS Stalker – LF Wallace – 3B Perkins – 1B Howden – C James – CF Hooge – RF Rodriguez – P Chavez
LVA: 2B Sibley – RF Montes – 1B Jon Gonzalez – LF Orozco – 3B Armfield – C Motley – CF Crow – SS Baer – P Buskirk

Pinkerton opened the game with a walk and stole two bases on the way to coming across home plate on a Perkins groundout for something new – a first-inning run for Portland. Bernie Chavez also walked the first batter he got to face, Ross Sibley, and became him even less than Buskirk, with the first actual hit of the ballgame being a 2-run score-flipping bomb that brushed the left foul pole off Jon Gonzalez’ bat. It was the 10th bomb of the season for the ex-Coon, and his 50th RBI while batting .312… It also made him the seventh player between those two lineups with double-digit dingers, though perversely none of those seven had more than 12 homers (Josh Motley). Gonzalez continued to take it out on his former team with the help of Sibley, whom we doubled in with two outs in the bottom 3rd to run the score to 3-1.

…and the Coons did NOTHING against Buskirk. Through five innings, they had three base hits, all soft singles, two by Pinkerton and one by Giovanni James, and when Preston Pinkerton going unretired is the highlight of your game… Chavez only lasted into the bottom 5th before leaving the game with an injury, which was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to see anymore. (looks at scissors) Marvelous – I could poke out both my eyes at once and never have to see **** like that again. (opens scissors) Squeeee…! – Meanwhile the Sibley-Gonzalez love train kept rolling against David Fernandez, who as Chavez’ replacement allowed a single to Sibley right away, and after removal of Montes gave up a booming blast to Gonzalez, well outta here, to drop the Critters to 5-1. The first non-Gonzalez RBI for Vegas came in the same inning, courtesy of Fernandez not retiring another batter as he nailed Ruben Orozco and allowed singles to Armfield and Motley, the latter plating Orozco, 6-1. Anaya replaced him and got a foul pop from Andy Crow to end the ****-be-damned inning.

The Critters looked rightly beat, but would get a leadoff jack in the seventh off Ed Hooge’s bat, the second homer of his career (and wasn’t it about time?). Buskirk continued to yield hits, allowing singles to Rodriguez and Zitzner (inserted in a double switch), while Pinkerton lined out loudly to centerfielder Andy Crow. Here came the relief – right-hander J.J. Ringland resolved the situation with three pitches to Tim Stalker, who hit into a 6-4-3 double play, short-circuiting the cute attempt at a rally. Wallace opened the eighth with a single, was doubled up by Perkins, and Nate Hall’s pinch-hit homer still left them three short. That became six in the bottom 8th, in which the Aces made two outs before they put five straight men on base, including a pair of pinch-hitters being hit on consecutive pitches by different relievers – Bates and Hennessy doing the honors to Schlegelmilch and Ricky Ortiz. The first one loaded the bases, the second one pushed the first run across. Montes singled in two more, all going on Bates’ ledger. The Critters would load the bases in the ninth inning against Nick Wright only to bring up Wallace with two outs, and for the second time in the series Jimmy Wallace used a three on, two out spot to pop out to a middle infielder… 9-3 Aces. Pinkerton 3-4, BB, 2B; Wallace 2-4, BB; Hall (PH) 1-1, HR, RBI; Zitzner 1-1, BB;

And yes, this was the first career win for Ronnie Buskirk, and no, I was not surprised. How would anything like THIS still surprise me now…??

First of all though, September was here and with that the annual roster enlargement, which gave us the great opportunity to add more faces I couldn’t stand. But before we go there, the Druid came back with news that Bernie only had a mild abdominal strain and would be ready for his next start.

We then called up the “usual” compliment of players to begin September when not vying for anything, two relievers and two position players. The pitchers were lefty Steve Russell, the one-and-done waiver claim who had pitched two thirds of an inning for six earned runs in his only Coons appearance so far, and Nick Derks, one of the Brotherhood of Right-Handed Scrubs.

Elliott Thompson (.180) was brought back as third catcher (but would probably get a good chunk of the playing time again), plus 2005 Ugliest Baby Boy Sam Cass, who had the benefit of already being on the 40-man roster.

Game 3
POR: 2B Pinkerton – SS Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – C James – CF Hooge – LF Hall – P Martinez
LVA: CF C. Flores – LF Montes – 1B Jon Gonzalez – 3B Armfield – C Motley – 2B Sibley – SS G. Reece – RF Orozco – P Klages

Tim Stalker put the Coons up 1-0 in the first with a shot to left, and after Dave Martinez blew that on Reece and Orozco singles in the second, drove in Martinez himself with a groundout in the top 3rd to put Portland ahead again. That latter play came with one out and runners in scoring position after a Martinez single and a Pinkerton double to center, but Pinkerton was left on when Wallace flew out to left. Too bad the Jon Gonzalez rampage continued even with Sibley in a position where it was impossible for him to drive him home in this game – Jon knotted the score with a 2-out solo jack on an 0-2 pitch in the bottom 3rd, and how could you be mad at him when he slugged the Raccoons to a title six years ago? Be mad at the ****ing dunce offering the ****ing meatballs…! BOO, Martinez!! BOOOO!!!

There was some serious consideration of whether the Coons should hit for Martinez in the fourth with three on and two outs – James single, Hooge on with an Armfield throwing error, and a free pass to Hall – but then again, who should actually get a run in amongst our bench dwellers? Howden, the dumb pig? (laughs) … (continues to laugh) … (slowly, tears start to mix in) … Martinez flew out to left, and that was that, then fell behind 4-2 by the magic of an Orozco homer in the bottom of the inning. That was Orozco’s 12th of the season, matching Motley and Gonzalez for the team lead, with the Coons enviously watching on. It wasn’t the end of the story yet, though. Klages would load the bases in the sixth with Zitzner, Hooge, and Hall (on a 1-out intentional walk), and this time Martinez got yanked… for Jarod Howden… who struck out. You dumb pig!! Klages’ next pitch however was cracked into the rightfield corner by Preston Pinkerton, resulting in a score-flipping, bases-clearing triple, so there was that… Stalker struck out, keeping it at 5-4, a lead that was almost immediately blown by the bullpen. Nick Derks walked the only batter he faced, Armfield, before Hennessy came on and allowed a double to Sibley and a 2-run single to Reece that turned out to be the nail that got hammered in for the sweep. The Raccoons could not get a paw on base again, and instead lost Ed Hooge to injury on a defensive play in the eighth. 6-5 Aces. Pinkerton 3-5, 3B, 2B, 3 RBI; Hall 0-1, 3 BB;

Despite the sweep of the bitterly pathetic Coons, the Aces were eliminated on Wednesday via a Condors win, the third team after the Scorpions and Falcons (both well on the way to maybe 110 losses) to have their lifeline cut this year.

The Druid says Hooge has a torn thumb ligament and will miss most of the month. So he was off to the DL and the Raccoons had to dig into the quagmire of desperation between their AAA outfielders. We resisted the urge to call up Manny Fernandez. Instead the nod went to blandly flavored Sean Catella again… he was a career .219 hitter in the majors.

Raccoons (54-79) vs. Indians (73-59) – September 3-5, 2032

No good things were expected to happen in this series, although the Indians only held a narrow 6-5 lead in the season series. But the Raccoons were dropping like a raccoon tossed off a cliff edge, and the Indians were a fairly decent team, although eight games out of the Titans and largely beaten. They really needed to sweep this set if they wanted to keep their pretend-chance. They were fifth in runs scored, seventh in runs allowed – also not a combo that cried out playoffs.

Projected matchups:
Travis Coffee (2-7, 5.52 ERA) vs. David Saccoccio (10-10, 4.12 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (9-12, 4.84 ERA) vs. John McInerney (11-9, 4.40 ERA)
Jason Gurney (6-11, 5.87 ERA) vs. Sal Bedoya (11-7, 3.55 ERA)

Their win totals dizzy me. McInerney would be their only left-handed starter on off- What is it, Maud? Nick Valdes just parked his carriage drawn by eight white horses in the parking lot?

Where can I go hide??

Game 1
IND: 1B Conner – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – RF Plunkett – LF Acor – C Kuhlmann – SS DiGiacomo – 3B de Luna – P Saccoccio
POR: CF Pinkerton – SS Stalker – RF Wallace – 1B Howden – LF Hall – 3B Marsingill – C Thompson – 2B Cass – P Coffee

The first few innings were not exactly material for an instructional video on hitting. Both teams landed only one base hit, despite some sound contact off Coffee, but that was more high than far and most of those balls were easily caught. It helped that the Arrowheads weren’t exactly patient, either. Dan Schneller ran a 3-0 count to begin the fourth, but poked and grounded out to Tim Stalker. Coffee went on to plunk Plunkett, which was not a word play that would get old any time soon, but by now Nick Valdes had been carried up the stairs by his loyal servants and appeared in my office, already plenty grumpy. He insisted that the Raccoons needed to start winning soon, else the fans would be unhappy! I looked out onto the stands that were visible from my office, then back at him and asked kindly to explain which fans he meant, because I sure saw none.

Mike Plunkett was stranded to end the fourth, and while Joe DiGiacomo hit a single off Coffee in the fifth, he got doubled off. Instead, the Raccoons took a 1-0 lead on an unlikely yet welcome homer by Elliott Thompson in the bottom 5th. Remarkably Coffee held up through six, a leadoff single to Dustin Acor in the seventh, too, when Morgan Kuhlmann hit into a double play, and then even overcame a DiGiacomo double and a walk to PH Brad Gore when the Indians mindbogglingly did NOT hit for Saccoccio. Well, arrows in the brain – it’s not good for judgment! Coffee K’ed Saccoccio to end the inning and his day on account of 107 pitches and a close 1-0 game. Stone walked Josh Conner to begin the eighth but retired the next three, and then in the bottom 8th the Coons had three on and no outs against Saccoccio, who allowed a leadoff walk to Thompson, then pinch-hit singles to Perkins and Zitzner. What a chance for a knockout blow! Remarkably, the Indians would stick to Saccoccio until four runs had scored in the inning; he walked Pinkerton to force one in, and Stalker hit an RBI single. After a K to Wallace, Howden hit a sac fly, and Hall landed an RBI single. Only then was Saccoccio sacked, and Marsingill lined out to Schneller against ex-Coon Dan McLin. Bates and Fernandez dealt with the ninth inning, putting this one in the win column. 5-0 Raccoons. Stalker 2-4, RBI; Thompson 1-2, BB, HR, RBI; Perkins (PH) 1-1; Zitzner (PH) 1-1; Coffee 7.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 5 K, W (3-7);

Congratulations from Nick Valdes were profuse after the game, and then he asked me to make sure that we’d win another one like that tomorrow, because he had sponsors and business partners in and he required that they be entertained with some good whooping of the Indians.

Sure, I shrugged. I’ll tell them not to suck for another day. They’re such good listeners.

Does he know *anything* about baseball?? But there was no explaining anything to Valdes, who was already on the phone, answering it with “Yes, Mr. President?”, before wiggling his head from side to side twice and nodding while correcting himself, “Okay – Yes, Biebs!” …

Game 2
IND: SS Eisenberg – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – RF Plunkett – LF Acor – C Kuhlmann – 1B Conner – 3B de Luna – P McInerney
POR: CF Pinkerton – SS Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 3B Perkins – RF Rodriguez – 2B Marsingill – C Ross – P del Rio

Little was I prepared, nor informed, that Nick Valdes not only hosted guests, but also intended to parade them into my office, which was normally off limits. Well, except to all the people constantly coming in and drinking my booze away. So when in the third inning of a scoreless game – although del Rio had certainly begged for it with three walks in the first inning – the door flung open and Valdes poked his head in, he caught me fraternizing with Slappy on the brown couch as both of us had just unscrewed an Oreo cookie and were licking the white part off one of the covers, with the other half soaking in a glass of booze. Valdes was irritated but was soon shoved to the side by the guest, loudly demanding entry. Valdes was knocked away from the door by a shiny black walking cane with what looked like a solid gold tip at the bottom that was held in a pretty lardy and hairy hand by its eagle head-shaped ebony grip. “To the side!”, the visitor demanded, before squeezing through the door. A female voice that I vaguely recognized as Toots DeVilane’s asked whether the servant should butter the door frame, but the widely-spaced visitor loudly cried bollocks just as his girth became unlodged from the frame. There he stood in the middle of my office, bending down, huffing and puffing, on that walking cane while Toots took the long way around the bald, moustached old man and tugged his gray designer suit with tails back into shape and reached down for his dangling monocle and wedged it back between his nose and right eyebrow. – This had to be him: Roger Hotchkiss “Bud” DeVilane II.

The huffing and puffing continued for a bit while Slappy and me didn’t really know what to do and just kept ourselves busy with the cookies. Toots advised her father to sit down on the couch, but he refused, claiming he would never get back up, and he could not use the chair I offered, since it had armrests and would hardly fit one of his pig-sized thighs. Toots hollered in Spanish to somebody still in Maud’s room outside that they needed the chair, leading to two Latin servants in white suits, hats, and gloves, to noisily maneuver a *huge* chair – probably made specifically for the customer – that would comfortably fit both me and Slappy through the door, hitting either frame multiple times while doing so before “Bud” could drop down on his chair a full inning later. The resulting shockwaves upset the ballpark in general and Mike Plunkett in particular so badly that Plunkett misrouted his way to a Marsingill fly in the bottom 4th that fell for a 2-out RBI double, plating Rodriguez with the first run of the game. It remained the only one while DeVilane kept exhaling large quantities of foul-smelling air and finally asked Toots for his notes, which she then produced from a pocket on the front of his tent-sized shirt. He then began by explaining how that guy other there - Valdes - kept pestering him for sponsorship and that he was indeed willing to start advertising his toxic waste dump in Des Moines on the outfield walls starting in 2033. But he had this weird habit of talking to people himself before signing contracts with them, and by the way, did we have more of those cookies? I sent for Maud and another pack of cookies, which when they arrived via one of the DeVilane’s white-dressed servants were given by Toots to Valdes while she asked him whether he minded. Of course not, Valdes insisted, opened the pack, unscrewed the first cookie and then – to mine and Slappy’s great horror – dragged it repeatedly with the creamy side over “Bud”’s tongue that he let loosely hang from his XXL-sized mouth. I felt my stomach getting upset, but that was enough for Slappy – he bailed along with his mop and bucket standing in the corner in pretend fashion, decorated with some cobwebs.

On the field, del Rio pitched seven scoreless in brisk fashion while expending 105 pitches for all those damn walks. Toby Ross’ homer in the sixth had made it 2-0 Coons, but I felt like in a 13-0 rout with Pinkerton pitching while watching the spectacle between Valdes and DeVilane, who before long complained of sore feet, which led to two of the servants removing his shoes and socks to massage said fat feet. When Toots remarked that his toe nails needed clipping, both of the servants immediately produced a nail clipper from one of their pockets and started to clip away. Oh, the horrors! The horrors! And that while the Coons had the bags full in the bottom 7th against Tim Thweatt, who had walked Pinkerton, intentionally walked Wallace, and had allowed a single to Zitzner and was now facing Perkins with three on and one out. Perkins popped out. Howden hit for Rodriguez – and flew out to Dustin Acor. We needed to score more runs to win more, “Bud” complained, so that more people would watch the games. Wasn’t it great to always be explained things you already knew…?

With his stomach and feet competently serviced – I was surprised Valdes hadn’t accidentally choked him with a whole cookie – “Bud” remarked how he appreciated a well-pitched game, and, leaning forward to me while supported by his cane, confided to me that he had been a fairly good pitcher in high school himself. But in college he had realized that while there was much money to be made in baseball, much more money was to be made by exploiting nature and people for the ruthless pursuit of profit and thus had gotten into the sludge dump management business. I nodded in dumbfounded amazement while Preston Pinkerton doubled home Sam Cass, pinch-runner for Giovanni James, pinch-hitter for Justin Marsingill, in the bottom of the eighth. With a team so well managed, “Bud” declared, we would indeed love to do business, and he asked Toots to give me the contract while Chris Wise was coming in for the ninth inning. Josh Conner hit a 2-out single – that was all. The Coons had a win, and a new sponsor, too! 3-0 Critters. Pinkerton 2-4, BB, 2B, RBI; James (PH) 0-0, BB; Ross 1-1, 2 BB, HR, RBI; del Rio 7.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 4 BB, 3 K, W (10-12);

After I signed the deal and the servants – six of them! – almost broke their backs and my door frame carrying “Bud” back out of here in his chair, Valdes shook my hand with energy and thanked me for my silver tongue with the players, who as we all knew weren’t worth a dime he was paying them.

What a day.

On the way home, I strolled past one of the rooms on the ground floor, behind the door of which the noises of a TV could be heard. I knocked and told Slappy he could stop to pretend to be cleaning things now. Everybody had gone home.

Game 3
IND: 2B Schneller – RF Plunkett – CF Baron – LF Acor – C Kuhlmann – SS Eisenberg – 3B de Luna – 1B Conner – P Bedoya
POR: CF Pinkerton – SS Stalker – RF Wallace – 1B Howden – LF Hall – C James – 3B Marsingill – 2B Baldwin – P Gurney

The dredge was back with Gurney on the mound, who allowed singles to Plunkett and Baron in the first, then followed that splendid work with a supercharged homer hit by Dustin Acor outta leftfield. The Raccoons got Pinkerton and Stalker on base with singles to begin the bottom 1st, with the runner advancing on Wallace’s groundout. Howden hit an RBI single, with Stalker sent from second, but not only thrown out by Mike Plunkett, but also hurt with a knock on the shin. He had to leave the game, to be replaced by Sean Catella. Next guy to leave would be Gurney, who lasted 3.2 innings and was shelled for a run on three hits in the second, then a 2-run homer by Plunkett in the fourth, and continued to basically be unbearable.

While Gurney had ruined one side of the box score, the other half was ruined by Stalker’s replacement Catella in the bottom 5th, just after the Coons had put PH Sam Cass and Pinkerton on base with nobody out. Catella hit into a double play, Wallace had an RBI single, but the inning fizzled out after that with the Critters still down by a slam, 6-2. Actually, make that six. Derks came on for the sixth inning, walked Dan Schneller, then gave up ANOTHER 2-piece to Plunkett, who reached 25 on the season with that particular misshapen baseball. Derks hung around til the eighth, where he put the first two batters on base, which would be de Luna and Conner. Victor Anaya did little, if anything, to stop the beating and conceded the runs on a walk and a base hit. So the Indians made up all the runs they didn’t get the last two days, and the Raccoons saw some of that despicable pitching they had seen way too much of already this season… 10-2 Indians. Wallace 2-4, RBI; Howden 2-3, BB, RBI;

In other news

August 30 – The Warriors’ 14-inning, 8-7 win over the Blue Sox sees the mother of all walkoff wins, with NAS MR Kevin Stice (1-3, 5.47 ERA) walking, in succession, Nick Rozenboom, Justin McAllester, Mike Chaplin, and Rich Hereford to get the winning run on, around, and across.
September 1 – OCT C Mike Burgess (.301, 16 HR, 57 RBI) ends the Thunder’s game against the Indians with a walkoff grand slam off IND SP/MR Lance Legleiter (10-11, 4.32 ERA, 1 SV), giving Oklahoma a 10-6 victory.
September 2 – VAN SP Steve Corcoran (13-10, 4.46 ERA) is out for the season with a herniated disc.
September 2 – WAS C Nate Evans (.317, 5 HR, 56 RBI) goes 5-for-5 with 5 RBI in the Capitals’ 10-1 rout of the Cyclones.
September 3 – The Bayhawks unpack 15 runs and 24 hits in a 15-2 knocking of the Knights. SFB LF/RF/1B Doug Levis (.625, 1 HR, 5 RBI), in his second career game, lands four hits and drives in five runs.

Complaints and stuff

Despite the shutout win on Saturday, the Coons were nevertheless eliminated on the same day thanks to a Titans win over the damn Elks by the same 3-0 score. Oh, and we’ll be in Boston on Tuesday. That’s gonna be fun.

Tim Stalker is iffy with a shin bruise. We have Monday off, but I don’t think that will be enough to get him back into on-field condition. He is listed as day-to-day for the time being. Berto should also rejoin the team soon; he will travel to Boston with the rest of the bunch.

There’s no dignity left after the sweep against the Aces this week, which led to us dropping the season series and ending the last streak of any sort we had of taking the season series against a particular opponent, in Vegas’ case that having been six years.

Manny Fernandez has batted .115 with two homers in his first week in AAA. I will reserve judgment for when he no longer has a BABIP of .067 with the Alley Cats.

Minor league seasons will end about ten days from now. The Panthers still have a chance to make the AA playoffs, currently 3 1/2 behind Waterville. The Sky Sox are the Bayhawks’ affiliate.

Fun Fact: If Jason Gurney manages to pitch another five innings without being beaten to death, he will be the worst qualifying starting pitcher by ERA the Raccoons have ever had.

The list goes… in fact, here are ALL the qualifying starting pitchers in franchise history with an ERA of 4.50 or worse:

1st – 2015 Bill Conway – 5.15
2nd – 1979 Jerry Morris – 5.04
3rd – 1997 Scott Wade – 4.98
4th – 2000 Miguel Lopez – 4.89
5th – 2002 Randy Farley – 4.88
t-6th – 2007 Raul Fuentes – 4.78
t-6th – 2000 Scott Wade – 4.78
8th – 2000 Ralph Ford – 4.77
9th – 2001 Randy Farley – 4.74
10th – 1981 Gary Simmons – 4.60
11th – 2004 Randy Farley – 4.58
12th – 2005 Felipe Garcia – 4.57
13th – 1994 Jason Turner – 4.54
14th – 1988 Alejandro Venegas – 4.52

There was only one guy in the last 30 years, and he was the worst ever, but Jason Gurney would *shatter* the record. Heck, even del Rio, the only other qualifying starter for us this year, will make the list.