[Westheim]

All Star Game

The Warriors’ Mario Colon was named MVP in the Federal League’s 4-3 win over the Continental League in the 2032 All Star Game with a home run off Vancouver’s Steve Corcoran to his name. Ultimately, the game is decided in the 11th inning, with LAP Justin Fowler singling home NAS Jim Allen off NYC Mike Rutkowski for the deciding run.

John Hennessy pitched the fifth inning and allowed a run in the course of it.

Raccoons (35-54) vs. Canadiens (39-51) – July 15-18, 2032

Ugh. Those guys. Damn skunks. We had won three of four in Vancouver the week before the All Star Game and were now up 5-3 in the season series, which was probably the main thing to play for at this point. They ranked fourth in runs scored, second in runs allowed – each time from the bottom end of the talent pool – and were playing almost .500 ball ever since leaving a grim 6-17 April behind.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (1-1, 5.59 ERA) vs. Victor Govea (5-8, 4.66 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (4-5, 4.56 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (7-8, 4.98 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (5-9, 5.20 ERA) vs. Jeremy Truett (2-9, 6.11 ERA)
Jason Gurney (4-7, 6.23 ERA) vs. Steve Corcoran (10-5, 3.13 ERA)

Corcoran remains their only southpaw starter.

The Coons also made a roster change coming into the post-All Star Game part of the season. Chris Baldwin, 1-for-7, was sent back to AAA with Justin Marsingill coming off the DL.

Game 1
VAN: 2B LeJeune – SS Bennett – CF Wojnarowski – 1B D. Fisher – RF I. Vega – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – P Govea
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – CF Hooge – 1B Howden – C Thompson – LF Hall – P Chavez

Brian Wojnarowski, the disgusting creature, hit a first-frame jack off Bernie Chavez, who had been declared second-half ace by being assigned the first start out of the break. Bernie went on to retire a lineup’s worth of batters while allowing only an infield single to Jesse LeJeune after that, then got *bombed* by David Fisher in the fourth, another solo shot that was indeed outta here, no doubt, right off the stick. The Coons amounted to the minimum the first time through, with only a Justin Perkins single in their half of the box score, and then Ed Hooge right away hit into a 6-4-3 double play. Bottom 4th, Wallace walked with two outs, Perkins singled again, and Hooge grounded out to the other middle infielder. It really seemed like one of those games that absolutely didn’t seem like they were meant to be. Alex Torres hit a leadoff jack in the fifth, which made it 3-0 for the damn Elks, with four hits off Bernie, and three of them out of the park. Come the bottom 6th, a crucial David Fisher error took away a double play from Jimmy Wallace, put on two with Stalker to second (Stalker had forced out Berto), and when Perkins singled, the Critters had the tying runs on and Ed Hooge at the plate with one gone. Ed snuck a single past Matt Anton, much to my surprise, and the Coons got one run as everybody moved up 90 feet. Howden hit a sac fly, but that would be all, with Thompson flying out to center, and keeping the team 3-2 behind.

Chavez lasted seven, allowing only four hits, and when the pen took over the Elks quickly rapped out another two. Fernando Garcia singled off Bates, the only batter he faced, and Danny Tessmann doubled against Garavito, who then got two infield rollers that kept the runners pinned in scoring position until Donny van der Hout hit for Wojnarowski to counter the southpaw, a move we contered with Jared Stone, who got van der Hout to ground out to third. Come the bottom 8th, the Coons poked the not-so-well-aged Chris Sinkhorn to put Stalker and Wallace on the corners with nobody out. Right-hander Bob Kennedy (a reliever from the mold of Juan Barzaga) replaced him, surrendered the lead on a sac fly to Perkins, then got a force at second base from Hooge. Howden flew out to Pat Pohl. The Coons could not get ahead in regulation and the game went to extras. There, we planned with one inning from Wise, and then to send Travis Coffee, who would not get a start until next week. Wise put Torres and Fernando Garcia on to begin the 10th, somehow survived, Stalker hit a leadoff single off Raul de la Rosa in the bottom 10th, and Wallace doubled him off. To the 11th we went… amazingly, Coffee wasn’t drunk alive on the spot, but the Raccoons made nothing from a Howden double in the bottom of the inning, then when Coffee issued a leadoff walk to Torres in the 12th added a Stalker error to put two Elks on with nobody out, and Coffee didn’t get out of that one. Bobby Gonzales singled home a run, the Raccoons had nothing in the bottom of the inning, and opened the second half of the year with another sad and senseless loss. 4-3 Canadiens. Perkins 3-4, RBI;

Sad and senseless, slow and endless… there is, depressingly, another 72 games to this series, which probably means another 15 extra-inning losses.

Game 2
VAN: 2B LeJeune – SS Bennett – CF Wojnarowski – 1B D. Fisher – RF I. Vega – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – C F. Garcia – P J. Martin
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – CF Hooge – 1B Howden – C Thompson – LF Hall – P Sabre

Sabre got slapped with the rolled-up Agitator by the pitching coach after only 11 pitches, which had yielded three first-pitch singles (LeJeune, T.J. Bennett, Ivan Vega), a fly to right by Wojnarowski that nevertheless scored a run on a throwing error by the defensively atrocious Jimmy Wallace, and a walk issued to David Fisher; Vega’s single in fact made it 2-0. Anton grounded out and Torres flew out to left, ending another early horror inning. The damn Elks scored another run in the second on two sharp singles and Bennett’s RBI groundout. Sabre wild-pitched LeJeune to third base with two outs, walked Wojnarowski, then somehow got David Fisher drooling and striking out in his despicable greed – nevertheless, Sabre pitched like arse, and it showed on the scoreboard, five hits, two walks, and three runs in two innings. It only got worse, with Ivan Vega’s leadoff double in the third. He was scored on two groundouts, 4-0, after which the Elks got sloppier on offense and stopped getting the leadoff man on after two strikes in almost every ****ing inning. Not that it helped the Critters’ offense any, with Joe Martin pitching like the new Jonny Toner and allowing one hit through six innings, an Ed Hooge single in the second. Hooge would land his second base knock in the bottom 7th, with two outs and Wallace (walk) and Perkins (single) already on base. This loaded the plates for Jarod Howden, who was now the tying run, and struck out. The dumb pig. Top 8th, Anaya got a K on Alex Torres to begin the inning. Torres vividly disagreed and was ejected and replaced by catcher/leftfielder Donny van der Hout. Joe Martin left in the same inning with an injury while still forging a 3-hit shutout, which the bullpen then completed. Only one more Coon reached base – Ramos drawing a leadoff walk from Sinkhorn in the ninth – and that one dissolved in a Stalker double play. 4-0 Canadiens. Hooge 2-3;

The best news is – Dead Cow BBQ’s spokesperson and beloved ex-Coon Matt Nunley sent a few barbeque grills over and Slappy actually jumped into action and is going to prepare some steaks for the Saturday afternoon game.

But, Slappy… (tries to wave swaths of smoke away) do you have to operate the barbeque … IN my office?? – Okay, well, I assume you could not sit on the couch while doing it outside… Fair point. I understand.

Game 3
VAN: 2B LeJeune – SS Bennett – CF Wojnarowski – 1B D. Fisher – RF I. Vega – 3B Anton – LF Tessmann – C F. Garcia – P Truett
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 3B Perkins – CF Hooge – 1B Howden – RF Rodriguez – C James – P del Rio

For a change, the Raccoons put up a crooked number in the first inning; while LeJeune hit a leadoff single for the damn Elks, he got doubled off by Bennett and no ills happened on Ignacio in the first. Ramos reached on a ****ty little fister, then strolled home on Tim Stalker’s third homer of the year. Wallace and Hooge hit doubles for the third run, and Howden dropped an RBI single near the rightfield line to get Hooge around, too, 4-0, before Wilson Rodriguez hit a 6-4-3 inning-ender. The damn Elks would find ways to be annoying before long, though. Del Rio got another double play for assistance in the second, then nailed Tessmann to begin the third. The runner was on second with two outs before LeJeune’s double and a Bennett single each scored a run, it was 4-2, and all of a sudden uncomfortable again. At least Slappy flung me a plate with a burger – nothing fancy, just beef and bun, as advertised in the Dead Cow BBQ Manual. It needed just one more thing… (sprinkles a bit of Capt’n Coma on top of the beef, on top of the bun, then takes a healthy sip right from the bottle)

By the sixth, Wojnarowski hit a leadoff single, stole second (will Giovanni James ever throw out a runner?), but del Rio went on to load the bases anyway with free passes to Anton and Tessmann with two outs. That brought up Fernando Garcia with three on and two away, and he took a huge rip at the very first pitch… and chunked it into the ground in front of home plate. The out, 2-3, was casual, and the runner beaten by 60 feet, and the score only changed in the bottom of the inning with Perkins’ leadoff jack off Truett, 5-2. Top 7th, Alex Torres pinch-hit, singled to left with two strikes (…), then stole second (…!). Del Rio dug a deeper trench on the mound, got strike three past a so far unretired LeJeune, then got Rodriguez to catch a Bennett fly without breaking neck or leg against the sidewall in rightfield. But on 99 pitches and with Wojnarowski up, the Coons went to the pen and straight for their All Star, John Hennessy, for his first action since his appropriate representation of the team on the national stage. He struck out the batter, the only one he faced in this game. That was the final at-bat with a damn Elk in scoring position in the game. Stone and Wise got the next five outs before Bill McWhirter landed a pinch-hit single with two outs in the ninth. LeJeune grounded out to Stalker to end the contest. 5-2 Coons. Hooge 2-3, 2B, RBI;

Game 4
VAN: CF LeJeune – LF A. Torres – RF Wojnarowski – 1B D. Fisher – SS Bennett – 3B Anton – 2B B. Gonzales – C F. Garcia – P Corcoran
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – LF Hooge – RF Rodriguez – C Thompson – CF Pinkerton – P Gurney

Agony spread in the second inning when Bobby Gonzales chucked a single to left, stole second, and with two outs the usual dilemma involved whether or not to walk the #8 hitter. We didn’t so as to not reward the damn Elks or our ****ty battery, and Fernando Garcia promptly hit an RBI single, the first marker on the board. Gurney then walked Corcoran on four pitches, which was frankly bizarre, before Stalker reached wide and made a marvelous play on a 3-1 spiker hit by LeJeune that seemed destined to bring in another run, but ended the inning instead. Top 3rd, leadoff walk to Torres, who stole second (GODDAMNIT!!!) and scored on two outs before Bennett ripped a mighty double to left anyway, but was stranded with Anton’s fly out to Rodriguez. On to the fourth, walk to Garcia, Corcoran single (!!!), LeJeune single – three on, one out. More yelling on the mound, and as that Stalker and Perkins getting into each other’s fur and one knocking the other’s cap off? Things were going well for sure. After the lengthy mound conference, Gurney walked in a run, then gave up a sac fly to Wojnarowski, 4-0, before Fisher popped out over the infield and broke his bat in a fit of rage as the inning ended. No, the Critters had no offense early on; only in the bottom 4th did Stalker reach on an infield single and the first baseman du jour zitzed a homer to right to cut the gap in half.

Their stellar starter loaded the bags AGAIN on a single and two walks (six total, and 51 in 108 innings) in the fifth, then came up on Corcoran with one out. The opposing pitcher, in a cynically funny way unretired in the game, was probably Gurney’s last man anyway with three aboard, and hit into a double play to do away with the threat. Not that going to the pen helped with anything. Fernandez was scratched for a run in the sixth, and Nick Bates walked the ****ing opposing pitcher in the seventh, but didn’t incur actual damage. The Coons had the tying run at the plate with no outs in the bottom 7th after Hooge and Rodriguez opened with clean singles. Thompson whiffed. Pinkerton dropped a single between Gonzales and Wojnarowski to load the bags. Jimmy Wallace hit for Bates and kept the line moving with another single to Wojnarowski’s feet, 5-3, and Berto tied up the score with a single to left. The onslaught was sudden enough that the Elks had not been warming up a reliever until it was all too late. They only got a fresh arm in there after Tim Stalker’s first-pitch RBI double a fraction past the glove of Jesse LeJeune. With Logan Bessey in, Perkins struck out for the second retirement of the inning. Zitzner was walked intentionally to get to Hooge’s lefty bat, but Ed found the space between LeJeune and Wojnarowski for an RBI single. Stalker was waved around, Wojnarowski’s throw was wild, and the Stalker scored, with the other runners moving up into scoring position in an 8-5 game. Rodriguez was walked with intent now to get the next lefty bat up, Thompson’s. The knockout blow would be nice, but I wasn’t sure he could deliver it, batting a paltry .205, but then we were up by three already and would maybe even hold on to that. He got to bat, ran a full count, and grounded out to Bobby Gonzales, concluding a 6-run seventh!

Hennessy retired the 2-3-4 batters with two strikeouts in the top half of the eighth, after which the Coons tacked on against Bessey. James reached on a pinch-hit floating single, advanced on a wild pitch, and then was accompanied intentionally by Ramos with first base open. Stalker made the second out, but Perkins rammed a gapper with some anger over an 0-for-4 day so far, plating both runners. There was another intentional walk to Zitzner to get to Hooge, who sent a fly to deep left, and the few people at the park already rose, but it dropped down into Torres’ glove about six feet from the wall. What a shame. With the extra runs, though, Anaya got the call over Wise in the ninth and retired the damn Elks in order to split the series. 10-5 Critters. Ramos 2-4, BB, 2 RBI; Stalker 2-5, 2B, RBI; Zitzner 1-2, 3 BB, HR, 2 RBI; Hooge 2-5, 2 RBI; Pinkerton 2-4; Wallace (PH) 1-1, RBI; James (PH) 1-1;

In other news

July 12 – The Cyclones trade LF/RF Kelvin Winborn (.250, 6 HR, 35 RBI) to the Miners for four prospects, all of them rather dim even for lottery tickets.
July 13 – The Bayhawks pick up 1B/2B Ricky Tello (.246, 3 HR, 12 RBI) from the Cyclones in exchange for outfielder Vincent Pacheco (.396, 1 HR, 10 RBI).
July 16 – The Cyclones keep trading around the league, acquiring 1B Tomas Caraballo (.328, 4 HR, 26 RBI) from the Bayhawks for MR Jorge Farinas (2-4, 4.93 ERA) and one of the meh prospects they had just picked up.
July 16 – The Stars trade veteran 3B Bobby Marshall (.341, 1 HR, 31 RBI) and an interesting but unranked catching prospect, Samuel Vercesi, to the Gold Sox for OF Nick Baker (.279, 1 HR, 19 RBI).
July 17 – The Indians trade 1B Greg Regan (.301, 7 HR, 38 RBI) to the Buffaloes for MR Adam Rosenwald (2-4, 3.54 ERA), #54 prospect INF/CF Rich Arvizu, and cash.
July 18 – The leader of the batting title race in the Federal League, NAS INF Billy Bouldin (.348, 1 HR, 49 RBI), could be out well into September with a broken hand.

Complaints and stuff

(is hardly visible in the thick smoke in the office) Okay, new house rule. The next ****ing turd to walk the opposing pitcher is instantly released. But before he’s released, he’s tarred, feathered, and then slowly roasted for six hours in one of Matt Nunley’s barbecue grills. They make … (burps) … delicious food.

Slappy, maybe we should still carry the couch outside, what do you think? – Well, if it rains, we bring it back inside. – Cristiano will help you.

Nick Bates got the win on Sunday after the raucous comeback, his first in the majors in 44 attempts. Actually, his first decision of any sort, which happens when a guy can only be trusted with garbage innings. His career ERA is 3.30 now. I still don’t see him as any sort of asset given his 6.8 BB/9 for his career, and the fact that this number was actually going UP.

That bickering you’re hearing comes from the clubhouse. There is a bit of blaming and shaming going on. And just wait until I get involved. Then the shaving will start. I’m gonna shave ALL of them!

Meanwhile we’ve hit a snag in the pursuit of international free agent Ernie Quintero. Basically, we’ve run out of cash (and cash is what we’re bidding with). The math is quick and ugly. We have made these offers:

SP Ernie Quintero - $700,000
CF Jesus Maldonado - $466,000 – SIGNED
1B Damian Salazar - $22,000 – SIGNED
SP Fiorenzo DeSanctis - $15,000 – SIGNED
SP Alex Vazquez - $8,000 – SIGNED

TOTAL – $1,211,000 OFFERED – $511,000 SIGNED

The soft cap is $478k, and every dime over that is taxed with 100%. So by signing players for $511k, we have already committed $544k (and will be able to sign only one player for more than about $80k next season with a tier 1 penalty), but the Quintero bid of $700k would incur *another* $700k in tax, so the final bill would be $1,944,000 – that is, if we get Quintero to sign for that. It doesn’t look like it, and all the money Steve from Accounting could find in the budget and the extra cash (the best thing coming out of the Adam Braun trade) amount to … $1,944,828.

Meanwhile we have nothing to trade away, at least not in terms of salaries. We have only five players left that make more than $550k, of which two are on the DL and can’t be traded (Braun, Gutierrez), one is not worth skinning for a lottery ticket (Berto), one has a contract so horrendous it can’t be moved, but moves you to tears (Stalker), and one who actually got at least the Gold Sox talking (James), but only if they could dump an equally useless and expensive player on us.

Why is Justin Perkins looking so miffed…?

Fun Fact: All five guys in our current rotation are pitching for the minimum.

Also for their bare lives and skin. They’re a third-rounder (Coffee), a fourth-rounder (Chavez, by the Gold Sox), an 11th-rounder (Nick Brown Memorial pick Jason Gurney), and two July international free agent teen stars that cost a total of $180k, 90% of those going to Sabre.

Add to that four current relievers on the minimum. The only hurlers making dough of any sort above the league poverty line were Stone, Garavito, and Anaya.