[Westheim]

Raccoons (53-59) vs. Titans (51-60) – August 5-7, 2030

The Titans came in to feast on some corpses, and so did Nick Valdes, publicly wondering why I was a wheelchair with a broken leg, when he had been around during the incident a few weeks prior. Nice to see that some things around here never change, foremost the madness. The Druid explained to him that it was indeed a very bad fracture, oh yeah, and I had to be heavily drugged for the pain. I wondered which pain that was because I didn’t feel any, still. Maybe everybody else was hurting? Maybe everybody else was mad? Maybe this was all a dream? Nope, the Titans were definitely real; here was another team that had no other business than roaring past the beaten Critters. They were sixth in runs scored, eighth in runs allowed, with an unpretty -35 run differential, but, hey, that’s what we’re here for today, isn’t it? So far the Coons led the season series, 7-5, but the times they were a-changin’.

Projected matchups:
Tom Shumway (5-12, 4.05 ERA) vs. Dave Dyer (3-9, 6.63 ERA)
Juan Barzaga (1-1, 5.56 ERA) vs. Greg Gannon (11-8, 3.56 ERA)
Mark Roberts (11-5, 3.78 ERA) vs. Armando Gonzales (5-9, 5.13 ERA)

Three right-handers on paper; but the Titans had been rained out on Sunday and could bring in southpaw Dustin Wingo (11-10, 3.57 ERA) without issue, f.e. for Armando Gonzales or Dave Dyer, examples of right-handed derelicts that had not had a place in the majors ten years ago and didn’t have now, either, e.g. their version of Juan Barzaga.

Game 1
BOS: LF Acor – C Henley – RF M. Matias – 1B Uliasz – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – CF Reichardt – 3B Knudson – P Dyer
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – CF Allan – C Pizzo – P Shumway

Tom Shumway locked up his 13th loss of the season in quick and efficient fashion. While the Titans stranded a pair in the first inning, they got Adrian Reichardt on base in the second. The persistent coonskinner would be at second base with two outs when Dave Dyer lashed a single to center to put the first run on the board with the fleet Reichardt not stopping at third base. Shumway would go on to lose Dustin Acor on a single, “Hopalong” Henley on balls, and then Mike Matias on a 390-footer over the leftfield wall to explode the tally to 5-0. All the Raccoons would get from Tom Scumbag were 3.2 innings, in which he allowed seven runs before being yanked, beheaded, and having his numb skull put on a pike at the main entrance to warn current and future pitchers of turning against their team in his ways ever again. Keith Spataro knocked in a run with a 2-out single in the fourth; the last run actually scored when Chris Wise came on with two runners on and walked both Rhett West and Adrian Reichardt to push Justin Uliasz across. Dan Knudson struck out to end the inning. What ever happened to winning, our dear owner wondered. Losing builds character, I snapped, while dissolving a few pills from the Druid, and a few from my own stash, all in a glass of Capt’n Coma, the Raccoons’ trusted brain soother for decades.

Yet it was technically a close game; Dave Dyer was no less full o’ **** than ****way, allowed runs on RBI doubles to Pizzo in the second, Harenberg in the third, and had already allowed Pizzo and Gomez on base with 2-out singles in the fourth when Ramos plated the catcher with another single. Tim Stalker walked to fill the bases for Nunley, who was the tying run, but did not bring in another run … despite drawing a walk… how that? Dave Dyer (full o’ ****!) pulled a two-thirds-Diaz as we call it around here, threw not one, but TWO wild pitches in the Nunley at-bat, and thus there was ample space to walk Nunley into. That was all for Dyer, five runs and counting in 3.2 innings in a 7-5 game. Relief man Pat Selby was 0-2 on Harenberg, then nailed him, and then Jamieson grounded out to strand three. (turns around to Slappy) Do you remember when baseball was a game of beauty? – Ya, me neither. (empties his pill-booze cocktail in one gulp)

The madness continued relentlessly; Bryan Rabbitt and his 18 ERA were picked for long relief, resulting in Acor and Henley singles, and wild pitch, and then somehow inning-ending K’s to Matias and Uliasz in the fifth. Harenberg would double in Ramos in the sixth inning to creep within a run, but Kevin Surginer surrendered line drive base hits in the seventh to Knudson and PH Justin Quinn to give it right back to where it came from. In the bottom 8th, Portland had Ramos and Harenberg (nailed again) on base with two outs against Tim Zimmerman, then had to send Tovias (over Magallanes) to bat for Garavito as a result of an earlier double switch to get two innings out of Rabbitt. The plot backfired *now* when Tovias haplessly struck out. Jonathan Snyder, former Furball, came into the ninth inning with a 1.42 ERA, allowed a leadoff double to Hereford to bring up the tying run again, the runner moved up on a Ryan Allan groundout, then scored on a wild pitch, but that still left the Coons a run short. Pizzo struck out. And Rafael Gomez, who somehow had turned a bench assignment into four at-bats in the #9 hole… struck out. 8-7 Titans. Ramos 2-3, 2 BB, RBI; Harenberg 2-3, 2 2B, 2 RBI; Hereford 2-5, 2B; Pizzo 2-5, 2B, RBI; Rabbitt 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

S-ss-SSSSlappy, I… I… Ifoundoutabousomething! When you … When you –hcks!– … when you drink out the new Capt’n Coma bottle… sssse new lady nexxx to ze Capt’n oh- … oh- … oh-nly wears underwear anymooore.

–hcks!–

Game 2
BOS: LF Acor – C Henley – 1B Uliasz – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – CF Reichardt – RF Quinn – 3B M. Matias – P Gannon
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – CF Allan – C Pizzo – P Shumway

Harenberg hit into a double play to end the first, then committed a throwing error on a Reichardt grounder in the top 2nd that put him and Rhett West into scoring position with one down. Justin Quinn flew to deep right, Hereford could not reach it, and it was 2-0 on a double. Two more runs scored in the third on three straight singles by the 4-5-6 batters, then a double by Quinn. Just like that, 4-0 again. Not that the Titans stopped there – Spataro singled home Uliasz in the fourth inning with two down. The inning would have been over if not for a catastrophic throwing error by Alberto Ramos that place Uliasz in scoring position without any merit.

The Raccoons technically still took part, but were no factor until the bottom of the fourth when Nunley and Harenberg were on after leadoff singles. Jamieson popped out, but Hereford hit an RBI single, 5-1, and the runners moved up on a throw to home plate. Allan used that for a 2-run single of his own, and ALSO moved up to second base on the throw to home plate. The inning, however, fizzled out after that, and Barzaga retired nobody in the fifth before the Titans caved in his skull on a Reichardt double, a balk (…), a Quinn RBI double, and a walk drawn by Matias. Both inherited runners scored against Fleischer, who leaked a single … and a 2-out, run-scoring wild pitch before whiffing Uliasz, escalating the tally to 8-3. Tim Stalker shortened that to 8-5 off Gannon in the bottom 5th, homering to left with Ramos on first and nobody out. Nunley doubled to right, which was the end of Gannon, and would score on a single hit to leftfield by Matt Jamieson, who was then picked off first by Tim Zimmerman to slowly bring that inning to an unhappy end. Stalker drove in another one in the sixth, cashing Ryan Allan with two down, but they stopped hitting when it was a 1-run game. On to the bottom 8th, where right-hander Jermaine Campbell and his 5.79 ERA was the Titans’ chosen line of defense – there were more than one team in this park that had run over its best-before date for sure… Allan singled to lead off, stole second, and Pizzo also singled, putting the tying and go-ahead runs on the corners. Magallanes was already batting ninth after an outfield shuffle that had put Sean Rigg into Jamieson’s spot. He tied the game with a sac fly, but the Critters failed to get Pizzo around, too. Ramos flew out to left, Stalker popped out. Sean Rigg remained in for the ninth and suffered mild impalement. West singled, Reichardt singled; Quinn bunted them over, Matias hit a 2-run singled, Brett Judkins smacked an RBI single. Somehow Acor made an out, but Rigg walked Henley, and then Uliasz put the finishing touches on the dismantling with a 3-run homer to left-center. 14-8 Titans. Ramos 2-5; Stalker 3-5, HR, 3 RBI; Nunley 3-4, BB, 2B; Allan 3-3, BB, 2 RBI;

That is the fifth double-digit rout since the All Star break, and the second at the hammers of the Titans.

Sean Rigg (4.89 ERA) was sent back to the Alley Cats after the game (he was exhausted anyway), along with Barzaga (7.63 ERA). The Coons would have off days on Thursday AND Monday, and did not need a fifth starter until next weekend. As any old arm would do at this point, Steve Costilow was recalled. We also brought back Sean Catella to play center for a few days (and only this would balance our roster again), and Abel Mora was out for at least another two weeks anyway.

Game 3
BOS: LF Acor – C Henley – RF M. Matias – 1B Uliasz – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – CF Reichardt – 3B Knudson – P Wingo
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Gomez – CF Catella – C Tovias – P Roberts

Roberts gave up merely a pair in the second, walking Spataro and allowing hits to West and Reichardt, followed by another walk drawn by Knudson. In the third, a Mike Matias homer made it 3-0. Say, Mr. Valdes, why do they keep repeating the same old boring shows? – Funny how you wanted to ask me the same thing right now, isn’t it? – No, it’s not.

Roberts expended 102 pitches through six innings of 3-run ball before we had to go to the miserable bullpen again. It was also still a 3-0 game because the Raccoons just couldn’t be arsed and had only two hits through six against Wingo. Bitterly, the Raccoons got scoreless relief from Rabbitt in the seventh, then Steve Costilow for two innings. The Coons still trailed so badly that Wingo batted for himself with Rhett West on first base in the ninth inning and made the final out, a K, against Costilow. The Critters amounted to a pinch-hit, 2-out double by Allan in the ninth, but that was it. They lost swiftly and crisply this time around. 3-0 Titans. Allan (PH) 1-1, 2B; Magallanes 1-1; Costilow 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K;

Raccoons (53-62) @ Wolves (65-50) – August 9-11, 2030

This was not the right time to be heading to Salem for an Oregon Brawl. Since we didn’t have to fly, I was even packed up and taken along despite the leg cast and the wheelchair. They just tossed me in the trunk of one of the vans we drove down in. They were not scoring all that many runs (second from the bottom in the FL), and fifth in runs allowed. Despite them sitting 15 games over .500, they were 21 under .500 when it came to their run differential. This was the first meeting between the two teams since 2027, and the Coons had dropped two of three in each of the last two meetings.

Projected matchups:
Dave Martinez (10-8, 4.20 ERA) vs. Steve Younts (6-11, 6.29 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (5-8, 4.70 ERA) vs. Lance Legleiter (5-4, 3.40 ERA)
Tom Shumway (5-13, 4.39 ERA) vs. Mario Alva (11-8, 3.78 ERA)

All righties coming up here. Also: Jing-quo Liu, our former Taiwanese backup catcher disaster. He still has that deaf interpreter!

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – CF Catella – C Pizzo – P Martinez
SAL: CF Stedham – 3B M. Lewis – RF Banfi – SS Ferrero – 1B Rempfer – LF Condulmaro – 2B J. Perez – C Liu – P Younts

After a sad top of the first, the Coons put Jesse Stedham on base when Ramos’ throw popped out of Harenberg’s glove for an error, then also Milt Lewis when Martinez threw away his comebacker. Two errors in two plays – the joys of being around this team! And yet, somehow, the Wolves would not score. Luigi Banfi singled to right, but Hereford threw out Stedham at the plate, and a K to Noel Ferrero and a grounder to short off the bat of Brent Rempfer ended the inning. Come the third, the Coons TOOK A LEAD on back-to-back doubles by Catella and Pizzo, and then we forewent the bunt with Martinez and he swung away and hit another double just past the glove of Fontana Condulmaro to extend the gap to 2-0. That was it for the offense, but at least Martinez held the door closed on the Wolves for now. He allowed three hits through five innings, including a single to Liu, who struggled to reach the .200 mark with the stick.

Top 6th, Stalker opened with a double to center. Nunley flew out, and Harenberg was walked intentionally, but Younts could not get Jamieson out. Matt singled to shallow right, Luigi Banfi was not anywhere near the ball and Stalker was sent around and scored ahead of the throw that allowed the trailing runners to move up, too. Hereford was now walked intentionally, too, setting up Catella with three on and one out. For a cardinal sin, he popped out on a 3-1 pitch. Pizzo went down on strikes. Oh well, it was 3-0 for Martinez anyway and he kept maneuvering forwards. He hit Jon Perez with one out in the seventh, but Liu hit into a double play. Kyle Weinstein pinch-hit and singled in the eighth, but Milt Lewis hit into a double play. The Coons did not get the pen up as the ninth inning came around. Martinez, on 91 pitches, looked like he really had this. Luigi Banfi told him, no you don’t, doubled on the first pitch of the inning, and Martinez didn’t finish the game. Ferrero popped out, Rempfer whiffed, but Condulmaro doubled to center, getting the Wolves on the board and also brought up the tying run in Perez. Ohl came on, conceded a single to Perez, 3-2, then another one to Liu (…!) that sent the tying run to third base. When left-handed batter Jeff Rinehart approached in the #9 hole, the Coons went to Billy Brotman. The count ran full, Rinehart struck out, and the Coons had ACTUALLY won a game. 3-2 Coons. Stalker 2-4, 2 2B; Pizzo 2-4, 2B, RBI; Martinez 8.2 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 BB, 8 K, W (11-8) and 1-4, 2B, RBI;

Yes, that actually happened. It was not pretty, it was by the skin o’ their pokey teeth, but sometimes a ****ing win is a ****ing win is a ****ing win…

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – CF Allan – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – 2B Baldwin – C Pizzo – P Gutierrez
SAL: LF Ferrero – 2B J. Perez – RF Banfi – C D. Hill – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – CF N. Colon – SS Tabata – P Legleiter

Jamieson struck out to strand Allan and Harenberg on the corners in the first inning, and Gutierrez allowed a 3-1 leadoff single to Ferrero, threw a wild pitch, but then bailed out on three consecutive pops over the infield. But don’t you worry about any other team not getting their turn against Rico Gutierrez’ corpse – the Wolves got Nelson Colon aboard with a 2-out walk in the bottom 2nd, and then Yachi Tabata hit a booming homer to left to give the home team a 2-0 lead. The following inning, Ferrero and Banfi hit singles, Dean Hill hit a 2-run double, and with two outs Gutierrez walked three straight batters in full counts to push another run across on the walk to Tabata. That brought up Lance Legleiter. SURELY Gutierrez would be able to retire Lance Legleiter! The former Coons hurler whacked a single to right, two runs scored, and the Coons were down 7-0. Gutierrez was yanked, beaten with soap blocks in socks by some angry staff as he entered the shower, and the Wolves stranded two when Ferrero grounded out to Nunley against Jonathan Fleischer.

That was, for all intents and purposes, the end of the game. The Coons laid down and took it like … roadkill. The Wolves didn’t even tack on… no need to tear out a limb here. The Coons had just enough base runners to hit into double plays in three straight innings from the fourth through the sixth, and Legleiter pitched into the eighth, charged with a lone run that was the result of a Ramos Special in that eighth inning. Alberto led of with a single, swiped second, and scored on two groundouts, giving Nunley his first RBI in over a week. They added another run on Miguel Salazar in the ninth, Pizzo singling in Hereford, who had doubled, but, eh, who was even counting runs anymore when the losses were piling up so rapidly? 7-2 Wolves. Ramos 2-5; Hereford 2-4, 2 2B; Pizzo 2-4, 2B, RBI; Catella (PH) 1-1; Stalker (PH) 1-1;

And bidding for a series win in the rubber game would be … ah, **** it, Tom Scumbag. Ah, maybe next week.

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – 1B Harenberg – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – CF Catella – C Pizzo – P Shumway
SAL: LF Ferrero – CF Condulmaro – RF Banfi – C D. Hill – 1B Rempfer – 3B Stedham – 2B J. Perez – SS Tabata – P Alva

Sean Catella legged out the return throw on his grounder to short with Jamieson and Hereford on the corners to break up the potentially inning-ending double play, allowing Jamieson to score, and that made it 1-0 Coons in the game and the first career RBI for Catella in 33 PA split between multiple cups of coffee. We made it 2-0 when Ramos tripled and scored on a Stalker sac fly in the third, but this was still Tom Scumbag pitching… and the Wolves rallied in the fourth. Luigi Banfi led off with a double in the gap, Dean Hill hit an RBI single, Rempfer singled, too, and then the Coons failed to turn two on a Stedham grounder. Jon Perez came up with runners on the corners, hit a soft fly to shallow center, and Catella BARELY got paws on the ball before it could drop in, ending the inning with a 2-1 score. SOMEHOW nailing Mario Alva with an 0-2 pitch in the bottom 5th did not lead to immediate annihilation either…

The Coons were at least still breathing. Top 6th, Ramos got on, Stalker was hit with a 1-2 pitch, and aggravated they pulled off a double steal. Nunley hit a sac fly, 3-1, and Hereford singled in Stalker with two outs, 4-1. The Wolves were not idle, and Shumway still was no good; they had two base hits in the bottom 6th and a Perez sac fly to immediately pull one run back from the Critters, but Shumway added a scoreless seventh before retiring with a half-hearted pat on the bum, having maintained a 4-2 lead. Come the eighth, came Surginer. Luigi Banfi hit a leadoff jack off the righty, his 20th homer of the season, and all the cushion was now gone. Surginer got Hill and Rempfer, then was removed for Brotman against Jesse Stedham, who walked, and Perez, who walked. Ricky Ohl was thrown into the game next, Tabata grounded to short, Ramos with the fumble… and the bases were loaded with two down. Weinstein pinch-hit in the #9 hole. The #3 pick in the 2027 draft was batting .222 in an only recently started career. He hit a hard grounder to third base, Hereford had replaced Nunley in a shuffle switch in this inning, and he made the play, going the short way to second base to end the inning. Ayyyye…….

That left one inning in the game, maybe, and the Coons did precious little against John Fees in the top half. That left Ohl to his own devices in the bottom 9th, facing the top of the order. Ferrero slowly grounded out to Stalker, Condulmaro flew out to deep to Gomez in right, and then Ramos handled Banfi’s grounder to end the game. 4-3 Coons. Hereford 2-4;

In other news

August 5 – After a season of losing, DAL SP Matt Diduch (4-11, 5.67 ERA) is lost for the season with shoulder inflammation.
August 6 – SAC LF/RF Doug Stross (.313, 4 HR, 40 RBI) extends a hitting streak to 20 games with one knock in a 3-2 loss to the Wolves.
August 6 – The Thunder beat the Bayhawks, 17-16 in 15 innings. The Thunder blow three leads in the game, the Bayhawks blow two, including one in the 11th when they score a run in the top of the inning, but can’t hold the 16-15 lead. SFB Victor Ayala (.265, 9 HR, 46 RBI) knocks in eight runs in a 4-hit performance, including a 3-run home run and a bases-loaded double. The Thunder use three starting pitchers in the game, with Zach Warner (11-4, 3.57 ERA) pitching the last five innings for the win.
August 7 – The Thunder lose 7-6 to the Bayhawks despite smashing five home runs, two of those by 2B/SS Alex Serrato (.312, 22 HR, 78 RBI), who drives in three runs in the defeat.
August 8 – The Wolves chill SAC LF/RF Doug Stross’ (.313, 4 HR, 41 RBI) hitting streak at 21 games, holding him dry in a 5-2 Wolves win.
August 10 – TOP SP Nick Danieley (11-4, 3.56 ERA) 3-hits the Aces in a 3-0 shutout. Danieley whiffs eight.
August 11 – TIJ 3B/SS Shane Sanks (.302, 12 HR, 69 RBI) drives in six runs in a 15-1 thrashing of the Rebels.

Complaints and stuff

Amazingly, despite going 3-10 in the last two weeks, we are still only 5 1/2 games out of first. Oh what could have been… well, yeah, a lobotomy without anesthesia at the claws and beaks of the Condors, but … ah…

Say, they can cure cancer these days, but why can’t science find us a starting pitcher or a slugger that doesn’t catch mold after two, three years? Mena – your assignment! I expect your report on Wednesday!

Daily now I have my people confirm to me that Rico Gutierrez won the ERA title just TWO years ago, that Mark Roberts once was a Triple Crown winner, that Tom Shumway pitched a no-hitter THIS YEAR, and that some of those bats were actually smoking hot on a regular basis only one or two years ago. Like Hereford’s. Reminder? 32 homers, 140 RBI in *2028*.

Yes, Maud, it still happened? – Yes? – Promise? – Okay.

The IFA period concluded when the Raccoons snatched up middle infielder Jose Agosto for $170k this week. It took a while! Overall we spent $348k on Caribbean teen boys this year, well under the soft cap.
2B/SS Jose Agosto - $170,000 - SIGNED
C Tony Morales - $95,000 - SIGNED
2B Jose Brito - $76,000 - SIGNED
OF Jose Pena - $7,000 - SIGNED

Fun Fact: Alberto Ramos is only six bases away from setting a new franchise steals record. He currently jointly holds the record with his 2028 season, which tied Yoshi Yamada’s 54 bases in 2005.

The ABL record of 74 might be out of reach this season. Enrique Trevino set that in 2027. But the CL record is “only” 62 and might be up for grabs. Alex Torres of the damn Elks set that mark in ’22.

Hah, the we-don’t-give-****s-anymore Double Yoshi middle infield in 2005, Yamada’s only full season anywhere. That was also the last time the Raccoons finished in sixth place in the North!

Those are lows we’re going back to, by the way.