[jaa36]

Arizona Diamondbacks: "I thought it would be fun to play in 105-degree heat."

Atlanta Braves: "Well, their previous general manager gave me an extra $10 million under the table, so... oh, wait, I don't think I was supposed to talk about that... can you forget I said that?"

Baltimore Orioles: "I actually thought it was kind of hot that they didn't want me. I mean, they were all like, no, we don't philosophically participate in the posting process. I don't know what that even means, but I knew I wanted to be a part of that team. And since day one, everyone on this team has given me the cold shoulder. The manager hasn't talked to me. The other players haven't talked to me. Philosophically, it's been great."

Boston Red Sox: "Is this not the most annoying thing you have ever seen? Ohtani on the Red Sox?"

Chicago Cubs: "I'm looking forward to helping end the over 100-year curse in which the Cubs have not won the World Series. That curse thing is still going on, right?"

Chicago White Sox: "In Japan, I played for a team that was named after a ham company. I thought I would try to top that by playing on a team that is named for the color of their sox. That's the plural for sock, right? Sox?"

Cincinnati Reds: "I'm thrilled to be here in Cleveland. Wait, this is Cincinnati?"

Cleveland Indians: "I'm thrilled to be here in Cincinnati. Wait, this is Cleveland? WHY DO ALL THE CITIES IN THIS STATE START WITH C?!? It's so confusing!"

Colorado Rockies: "Baseball is fun, but I thought, wouldn't it be even more fun a mile above sea level? By the way, I think I'm just going to do the hitting part for you guys. That's cool, right?"

Detroit Tigers: (gets out boombox) DUNH! DUNH-DUNH-DUNH!! DUNH-DUNH-DUNH! DUNH-DUNH-DUNH!!!!

"Risin' up, back on the streets! Did my time, took my chances! Went the distance, now I'm here in Detroit! Just a man and his will to survive!!! So many times, it happens so fast, you trade your passion for glory! Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive! It's Shohei on the Tigers, it's the thrill of the fight, risin' up to the challenge of our rival! And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night, and he's playin' for the team in Detroit! It's the Tigers!"

Houston Astros: "I thought it would be fun to play in 105-degree heat, with humidity, but within the safety of a retractable-roof stadium named after my favorite orange juice."

Kansas City Royals: "Oh man, that was a lot of cocaine I did last night. I'm really thrilled to be here in Los Angeles. Wait, this is where?"

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: "I thought it would be great to play with the best player in baseball, Mike Trout, and the withered husk of Albert Pujols. Albert, you don't mind if I make you play first base again, do you?"

Los Angeles Dodgers: "I don't know what the other 29 Ohtanis were thinking. This just seems like a good fit for me."

Miami Marlins: "I'm really looking forward to playing with the best young outfield in baseball. (pauses for a minute as Stanton, Ozuna, and Yelich are traded) Wait, what?"

Milwaukee Brewers: "Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans." (audience question: "In fact, isn't 'Milwaukee' an Indian name?") "Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced 'mill-e-wah-que,' which is Algonquin for 'the good land.'" (audience: "I was not aware of that.")

Minnesota Twins: "You guys play in Minnesota and you didn't even build a friggin roof for your stadium? That is so annoying."

New York Mets: "I look forward to tearing my UCL for you guys in the next few months, then getting rushed back too soon, getting a ton of negative publicity, and lots of conflict with your management. Should be good."

New York Yankees: "OK, seriously, did you guys think I would end up with anyone else?"

Oakland Athletics: "You know, I really wanted to be there for when they open that new stadium in 20 or 25 years."

Philadelphia Phillies: (fans boo mercilessly) "What the?!? I just got here! I haven't even played for you yet!" (leaves the stage as batteries and snowballs are thrown at him)

Pittsburgh Pirates: "Arrr!!! Shiver me timbers, I'll make ye walk the plank after I strike ye out!"

San Diego Padres: "I look forward to many years of mediocrity with your organization. I'm gonna hit the beach, is that cool?"

San Francisco Giants: "Yeah, so, I love riding dirt bikes on my days off, and I heard the Giants let you do that."

Seattle Mariners: "It's really exciting for me to join the organization that Japanese legend Ichiro Suzuki was a part of so many years ago. Wait, he's on the team again? He's going to be playing center field when I'm pitching? And he's 44? That's not good, is it?"

St. Louis Cardinals: "I hear you guys have the best fans in baseball, and when I hear things like that, I assume they are true without questioning them."

Tampa Bay Rays: "I thought it would be fun to play in 105-degree heat, with humidity, but within the safety of a soulless dome named after my second-favorite orange juice."

Texas Rangers: "It kind of started out as a joke, I would go around wearing a cowboy hat with my friends saying, howdy partner, I'm a Texas Ranger, and it just took off from there."

Toronto Blue Jays: "I wanted to play in the US, but then the whole Trump thing happened, and I thought, why not go to Canada?"

Washington Nationals: "My goal is to hit better than Harper and to pitch better than Strasburg."